Jamie felt bad that she had displeased her Mom and Dad by taking the birth control pills. She even thought of running away as she got depressed. James had done what he did, feeling he hadn’t appreciated his Mom. And now that he does, he feels guilty about some feelings Jamie has that he had not felt before. Not that he was always good, but James usually knew in time he'd be forgiven for his mistakes. Jamie didn't, she was afraid it might lead to him being forced back to being James. Just as she had permission to be herself.

Being Jamie brought a new awareness to feelings, especially the feelings of others. She came to like her caring about others. Even the feelings Jamie felt when he danced with Kevin felt strangely good. It was like someone like him romantically. When he was with Marie, Rose’s daughter at the mother/daughter event he enjoyed that as well as that Friday night when the four of them dressed up and went to dinner and a Broadway play, Marcy and Monica and their moms. Jamie was accepted by his female cousins was the icing on top of it all.

Jamie had taken a bus and two gift cards from his grandma and his great-grandmother and went to the mall. Jamie was feeling down and wanted to see if retail therapy could lift her spirits. She had been through half a dozen stores and had already decided to try two or three more and go home disappointed.

Color My World was a boutique for teens and young women. DeeDee a salesgirl not much older than her cheerfully said, “I haven’t seen many girls shopping who looked as sad as you. What can I do to help you?”

Jamie said, “If you can’t tell, I’m not much of a girl. I came shopping to be happy, but it hasn’t happened.”

DeeDee said, “Where are your friends; they didn’t leave you alone did they?”

I looked up, “No, I came on my own. I wanted to try to find something on my own. I guess that was a bad idea.”

“Why did you say you’re not much of a girl? You are dressed very nicely and you are an attractive girl. Did I miss something obvious?”

“Yes, I’m a boy who tried to be a daughter for Mother’s Day. I did something I shouldn’t and I disappointed my mother.”

DeeDee smiled, “You’re not that boy from the next town over that I heard about, are you? I thought your mother was tickled pink.”

“She was,” I said, “She even gave me permission to continue to be a girl, but I think she’s had second thoughts about it.”

DeeDee turned to the saleswoman who seemed in charge, “Mom can I take fifteen minutes with Jamie? She could use a friend before she resumes shopping.” With her mother’s permission, we go to the food court and both get an ice cream cone.

DeeDee listened as I talked and then asked, “Is your mother really upset with you and wants you to stop, or did she care about you?”

“My Mom cares about me, but I did something dumb, and I’m afraid she won’t trust me again. I don’t know how to undo things and make things right.”

I had finished my cone and realized we had been there for over fifteen minutes. I looked at my watch and wiped my mouth. Dee said, “Sit, you need more time. I thank you for trusting me… Do you think it would be a big stretch to trust your mother more than hold your mistake against you? My relationship with my mother would be beyond repair except that most mother’s hearts are bigger than we usually think.”

I began to cry, but they were happy tears. I dabbed my eyes before I wrecked my makeup. DeeDee invited me back to the boutique to wash up and check my makeup.

When I came out from the washroom in the back, I was all repaired and looking good; Dee asked, “Is there something I could interest you in, or do you want to go looking elsewhere?”

I said, “I would like to find a nice skirt outfit for the warmer days that are coming. But I don’t have a good idea of what I’m looking for.”

DeeDee said, “How about we try to put together three different outfits and see if that gives us some direction?”

I had seen a skirt I liked but not a top to go with it, and I saw a top I liked, but it didn’t work with the skirt. DeeDee picked out a coral skirt suggesting we look for something to compliment it. It wasn’t three minutes that Dee had two possibilities for my skirt and my blouse. I found a lightweight multicolor top that would look great over a white top.

I was ready to go with that one but I was having trouble in putting the others back. DeeDee suggested I try on all three outfits before I decided.

Not only did I enjoy trying all three on, but it was now more difficult to choose between them. Dee asked how much my gift cards were for. I hadn’t remembered, but I feared twenty-five dollars each. That is as much as I had gotten before. Grandma’s turned out to be for fifty dollars. And then I remembered that Great-Grandmothers was larger but I didn’t know the amount. My first choice cost $55.00 and my second choice cost $69.00, both before sales tax.

Dee’s mother said buying the two outfits came with a 15 % discount. Needless to say, I become one happy customer. Mrs. Sylvan suggested I call someone to give me a ride.

I was afraid to call my mother, but I knew I should call her first. Mom was happy to get my call and even happier to hear I was more cheerful. It was a good ride home. That evening my mother suggested I write a favorable review for Color My World Boutique.

It was a very nice review if I do say so myself. I put it on my Facebook page and theirs and got numerous likes.

After my Mother picked me up at the mall and drove us home. She had me try on my two outfits and model them for her and my father. He said they were nice, while my mother took more time to say why she liked them on me. She commented on how they looked and the woman I would become if I so chose to do so.

“Jamie, after you went shopping,” she said, “I called the park commission and asked about their summer program for tennis. They said that they only had two openings yet for teens and young women wanting to learn and enjoy tennis. I reserved a spot for you, and if you wouldn’t be interested, I am supposed to let them know come Monday.” Mom continued, “I thought it would be a good way for you to learn graceful movement as well as to provide you with a good way to burn some calories.”

I paused to think and appreciated her giving me time and silence to consider it. We discussed that it was for recreational tennis and not for competition unless I chose to make it such. It was to be Monday evenings for June. It sounded good and I chose to accept the opportunity.

That evening I talked to Marcy and told her what I did during the day and that I also decided to do the women’s summer tennis program through the park commission. While we were talking she went on the Park Commission’s website and saw there was one more spot still open. She made an application and hoped no one else had done it.

She giggled and I joined in as it would be something new for the both of us that we could do together. We continued to talk, but I fell asleep during our conversation. She later told me that was confirmation that I wasn’t fully a girl yet. I guess her thought was a girl wouldn't fall asleep during a conversation.

I enjoyed the last two weeks of going to school as Jamie. It wasn’t all fun as there was more teasing and trouble I had with more students and a few teachers. But in that time, I’ve come to learn to focus on developing friendships with those I identify well with.

Memorial Day weekend, I talked my parents into taking me to see Mom’s grandmother. Great-Grandma asked me to call her Beth and told me about her being a young girl in England and coming at the age of ten first to Canada and then to the United States just before the Great Depression.

Because they were not citizens they did not receive some of the support given to others. Beth’s father was a steel worker; but was also a good gardener. He bartered with new friends trading vegetables and helping to restore things for other things they needed. One of Beth’s favorites was when the got some cloth with which her mother made her a dress. She had several pictures that she said I had been shown before. Now I would remember them because I appreciated her in a new way. She asked my father to take a picture of her my mother and me. He took the picture and went to Walgreens and came back with two pictures of us, one for her and one for us.

The first Monday of June, Marcy drove us to the park and tennis courts where our lessons were. Nancy Court, my mother’s age, and Cindy Meyers, twenty-something, were our instructors. Nancy made it known, we were to listen and follow their instructions with no rudeness to be put up with. My biggest surprise the first night was that DeeDee Silvan was also a participant. I introduced her to Marcy and she introduced us to Bree a friend of hers.

We jogged two laps around the tennis courts and did some stretches. She strongly recommended two nutrition supplements for women, saying our bodies would be taxed in our two-and-a-half-hour sessions. We learned how to hold a tennis racket, and suggested we have our racket by the following week. We focused the first week on our service and being able to hit the ball back over the net when it was hit over the net to us. The force of our services not how hard we hit it back was not as important the first two weeks.

DeeDee said, “I was here last year and it helped me too in becoming more graceful like a girl. I think you’ll find it helpful.” I wanted to ask if she meant that she hadn’t been a girl. Looking at her, I knew she was fully a girl.

When I got home and gave my mother a note about the nutrition supplements that I would be taking. Mom surprised me by saying we needed to get them, as well as a proper set of tennis shoes, a racket, and two tennis outfits. My mother did sit me down and told me that there was to be no misuse of my nutrition supplements. I was also informed it might bring about a greater change in my complexion and the muscle groups they would give support to.

Marcy, Dee, Bree, and I would meet on Thursday evenings to practice tennis and would usually eat together before or after our practice.

Come the second week of June, I had a job with Mrs. Walker. She ran a daycare service. I initially protested, but my mother said I needed to relate to children and be more nurturing. I commented that was her stereotyping the kind of girl I was to be. She said. “No, it is addressing an area that you are weak in.”

During June, I would work six hours five days a week. Come July, I agreed to work eight hours each day Wednesday through Friday. I learned to work with all the children, but I found seven that sought me out to help them. And as my mother would say, ‘I was hooked’ Caring was now a part of who I am. One Thursday, I was at the daycare fifteen minutes before my work ended. Another worker had to leave early and Mrs. Walker had two sets of parents who called her that they would be over thirty minutes late. That meant two more diapers needed to be changed and I needed to stay late. Dee was there and she could watch the children, but hands-on things like diaper changes and stopping Caleb from biting Mary fell to me. Little Toni grabbed for DeeDee insisting she pick her up, which Dee did. The time ended even later than the parents promised they’d be there.

Mrs. Walker thanked us. Told me I had earned some overtime, and gave each of us Dairy Queen gift cards that were usually for students. Dee was already in her tennis outfit which the girls thought was neat, Caleb kept trying to tug on her short skirt.

I used the women’s room to change into my outfit once the children were gone and put my hair into a ponytail as Dee drove us to the park. The highlight of the practice for me was when I ran to backhand a shot back over the net. I would have been finished on the next shot when Dee hit it where I wasn’t. Unfortunately for her, she slammed it down so hard and it bounced so high into the air that I was able to retrieve it and hit a solid shot down the line for a point. It didn’t decide the game, but it was a sign of what I had learned and that I was becoming a fair tennis player. Marcy even cheered and jumped up and down celebrating what I had done.

James had made some good plays in baseball, but this was a sign of Jamie’s growth. Marcy had videoed it on her phone, and I was moved to hear my voice as Jamie. I heard and saw myself as a girl.

It was the last Monday practice of June and our lesson included hitting the serve with force, a double-handed backhand hit, and rejoicing as competitors when we had a volley no matter who hit the final winning shot.

The days were at their longest, and the shadows we cast as the four of us walked off the courts were of four girls. It was not a big thing but I was proud of who I was becoming.

My family rarely used the Country Club of our community, but this year we were guests of the Evans; Marcy, her mother Evelyn, and older sister Tonya. There was golf and tennis, a cookout, fireworks, and a dance to end the evening.

Since Marcy, Tonya, and I had played some tennis; I with the others needed to use the women’s locker room and showers. Fortunately, I only had one complainer, and since I had used a gaff, the complaint was about my budding breasts, which my mother said should have been a compliment.

I didn’t realize during the cookout that Kevin from Union High School was there. He had kept himself out of my line of vision until the dance. He soon came over to our table, introduced himself to my parents, and asked me for a dance. I was both embarrassed and excited. We had one dance and then he took me for a walk. We enjoyed bringing each other up to date with what we had been doing.

Marie Giuliano had informed Kevin I was continuing as a girl. He was playing summer baseball and had a game earlier in the day and again tomorrow. He confessed to being gay and that he liked girly boys like myself. Let’s just suffice to say he pressed upon me with more than a kiss that we should be affectionate with one another. I was also sure, brushing up against me he knew my breast had formed some.

I couldn’t promise to be at his ballgame the next day, though I would try. We arranged for a date Friday or Saturday saying I’d get my parents’ approval. We were back on the dance floor hopefully before my parents

To be continued…