There is a Word Usage Key is at the end.

I had always thought of myself as a killer. Putting meat on My Lord Robert Montsleigh’s table has long been my daily duty, which is strange considering the tale I am relating which would seem to indicate that my view of myself is in error, and in fact nothing could be further from the truth despite me being Gervaise, Lord Montsleigh’s huntsman and land agent.

I’ve been having strange dreams of late. My Lord pays a bounty on every proven wolf kill. The right ear is what the Master of his coffers pays two pieces of silver for. In my first such dream I had an arrow nocked and the bow string drawn with a wolf in my sights. That was when I noticed it was a nursing bitch. Now I may be a killer, but I’m no monster. All mothers have the right to rear their offspring, and it’s not in me to leave a litter of pups to die from cold and hunger. There have to be some wolves to maintain the health of the deer herds and ensure they don’t overgraze their range and subsequently starve, and in the process harm many of of the plants and other animals that share their estate. I eased the tension on my bow and put my arrow back in my quiver. I heard a woman’s voice behind me say “Thank you, Gervaise,” but when I turned there was no one there.

I’ve done that sort of thing often. My Lord knows, for I’ve told him of it. He also knows I won’t take a stag in his prime, for I deem it better that he sires more fawns than he graces My Lord’s table. My Lord approves of my management of the game and the land, for unlike some of his neighbours we have never run short of meat, fowl, fish or foods from the fields since he promoted me to my post. Even in the hardest of winters followed by the latest of springs in living memory, which was the year before last, his board(1) was plentiful. Most considered I was over young for the post at just short of fourteen and approved not of my practice deeming it a sentimental boyish fancy and lacking a man’s appreciation of reality. That his board had been lean enough to allow hunger to occur before I took the post and never since he says merely proves his ability to select his retainers, and he will brook no criticism of my practice, for he takes it as a criticism of his Lordship. Any who do that must seek a home elsewhere, and he only had to banish two renowned malcontents before the discord ceased. Tis true the game take some of the field crops, but tis only a small amount, and the birds I encourage with seed more than make up for it with the insects they eat. Too the kale doth attract the doves in the winter when meat is sought and they are easy to take and sweet to the tooth. With My Lord’s approval in hard winters I have hay left for the deer and other game and grain and seeds for the fowl.

I have had tenant cottages rethatched and repaired as the funds at my disposal permitted starting with those in the worst condition. The very worst I had demolished and replaced, for folk that live dry and warm thrive and are not averse to helping maintain the estate even when tis not strictly their trade. They will oblige me, for I treat them well and reward their help. My Lord thinks well of this, for he says it makes the estate of greater value. I won’t permit My Lord’s tenant farmers to use fire to clear the ground afore ploughing, for it kills every creature and seed in its path. The freeholders I have no direct control over, but if their farming practice is what I insist the tenants follow, like the tenants I gift them a brace of geese each moon that the geese are with us. I only permit folk to take what eel they need for their immediate use when they are making their yearly journey cross the land to the rivers, for in other places where folk took all the eel they could they no longer have eel. I likewise limit the haaf netters’(2) salmon catch when they are running to spawn and we have abundant salmon. I understand not how it is not seen that to have next year's harvest this year’s stock must be left in peace to be able to breed the next generation, for tis not a difficult thing to comprehend.

I will allow no clear felling of woodland, for there must be enough cover left for our meat supply to shelter from the weather and nesting sites for the birds. Too, the roots bind the soil tightly and prevent the storms from washing all away leaving bare and barren land that will support neither plant not beast. Gifting the odd coney or a quarter hare, even geese over winter ensures my wishes are complied with. None go gainst my wishes, and My Lord approves of my gifting of the geese and game for tis his belief cooperation is easier on his soldiery than enforcing his will or punishing those who break it. Four years ago the rains were light and the harvest lighter. Before hunger had its bite on the folk, My Lord ordered that flour and else from the castle stores be doled out to all according to their needs, including balm(3) from the kitchens for those who had lost theirs through lack of flour to bake and keep it quick.(4) He ordered me to provide meat for the butchers to apportion to our folk too. He can be no easy man to deal with, and his yoke lies heavy on the idle and the shiftless, but he is a popular Lord, for he is generous with pensions for loyal workers in their eld,(5) and alike with widows and orphans, and those hurt in their labours. The folk appreciate his strength, for in it lies their protection in times good and poor alike.

My mother was a beautiful tirewoman(6) of My Lord’s mother, and I was sired upon her by My Lord afore he married My Lady. He treated her gey(7) well, and till her death from natural causes she was almost a guest in the Castle living in a spacious and well appointed set of chambers with her own maid, and at meals was seated at My Lord’s table well above the salt. I was reared as the son of a senior retainer on the Castle’s staff would have been and when it was realised I had keen eyes and was fair set to become My Lord’s best archer he ordered that I be trained for my present position.

My Lady has no children and there is a lot of speculation as to whether My Lord is prepared to name his natural son as his heir, for tis known to all he has no desire for any of his two brothers’ sons to succeed him, for they all see Lordship as a right to live over well at the expense of the folk and the land. My Lord’s brothers are Lords too with estates adjoining My Lord’s, but their folk are destitute. Many of their folk die of starvation every winter, and their impoverished lands scarce support his brothers’ families. They no longer have an adequate number of folk to farm the land tightly(8) and they are envious of My Lord casting greedy eyes this way. My Lady is kind and gentle and she stood in my mother’s shoes after her death vanya(9) ten years ago. She would mother me yet were I not turned twenty.

But back to my dreams. After several such dreams, ones where the woman spake unto me with gratitude, I realised she sounded like my mother. Whether she gradually came so to do, or whether she had all along and I just hadn’t realised it I know not. She’d explained she was the guardian of the land and all that it nurtured. I’d not had converse with her, for I’d not been able to speak, but she said one who only killed when necessary and looked after the plants and creatures of the land as I had always done was of the land too, but in ways I was not yet ready to understand.

I am not made as others, for though I have the parts of a man they are small and neath all I have the parts of a woman too that have monthly courses.(10) I cannot release my stream as a man for it issues forth from where it does on a woman. None know of this, not even My Lord, and for fear of what may happen should it become known I have never known a woman, nor a man, though strangely from time to time I have greatly desired to take or be taken by one or the other.

A recent dream has disturbed me greatly. I was deep in the forest at a deep and still pool known well to me. I had undressed and was bathing when the urge to be satisfied overtook me. That has happened there before, though I knew it was not a previous happening I was watching. With a hand to each of my parts I relieved the aches I had burning deep in my being. Satisfied and relieved, but not entirely so, for I still yearnt to be taken and bear a child as much as I yearnt to take a woman and father one, I waded out of the pool to dress. There for the first time I saw her. She was naked, and she was my mother. She was built as I, both man and woman, but with substantial hips and breasts too, whereas I have narrow hips and merely have large nipples, a woman’s nipples.

“Come to me, Dearest, and take me as I shall take you. We shall carry the seed of each other’s young till we are ready to nurture them. Your name, Gervaise, is that of both women and men, and when you are ready you will live with me and join me in the dreams of humans. Till then our seed in each other’s wombs will lie dormant whilst you take Lord Robert’s place for half a hundred years or so. You will father sons and daughters and his line will continue. Then you will come to look as I with milk filled breasts to nurture your daughter.” When we joined, our parts enlarged to fill each other, and I knew if that was to be my only such experience in my life it would be enough. I lost consciousness at the sweet ending.

When I returned all was misty and she was gone. I returned to the pool to wash and noticed though my feminine parts had become much smaller my manhood remained as it had been whilst filling her. After dressing and mounting my horse the dream faded.

A few days later I had my courses, but I barely lost any blood at all. Whilst tending to myself I noticed two things. My manhood had become as large as in my dream, and my female parts were now completely hidden though still there. My manhood though larger was no more demanding than before, and my womanhood though smaller was still just as demanding and sensitive enough to require attention from time to time. At supper in front of all My Lord confirmed me as his heir and later in private told me he’d arranged a match for me with a neighbouring lord’s pretty daughter who would be fourteen next month. She’d said she was delighted that she would be a lord’s lady and was keen and ready for her bedding and the getting of young.

That night I dreamt I was watching my child wade into the pool and pleasure both natures, before coupling with myself. It was the same dream in content but a different event, and I was not myself but my mother, and the child was myself.

It has been arranged that my bride will arrive at the castle for the wedding next month. Tis a long journey for a wedding procession, so they will set out the eve before as soon as the full moon arises so as to arrive in the late afternoon. Three days later the wedding will be held. I’m told my bride will be at the appropriate part of her cycle to conceive on our wedding night. It’s ironic but so too shall I, though if already pregnant perhaps not. I wonder if my courses will eventually cease due to being pregnant, for I know some women’s do not.

My Lord says I need to be learning Lordship, so by the time I am thirty I shall be able to take all off his hands, but he being Lord will stay his brothers’ hands till I can deal with them myself. He will appreciate the respite in his eld, and when his passing comes his brothers and nephews will not even consider trying to take what will by then be my lands and folk. He opined we had to do it this way, for it would take either of them no more than two years to reduce our bountiful lands to the state that theirs are in now. He has already started my studies with the Master of his coffers. I had no idea we were so beforehand with the world. My Lord has explained to me that over the years he has been quietly buying freehold land and concerns like mills in his brothers’ estates. It is his intent to buy out their lands when his nephews have reduced them to absolute penury and they are worth little for only then will our lands and folk be safeguarded gainst their rapacity. He doubts soldiery will be required for aught other than escorting his erstwhile family off his newly acquired lands. Given my oversight of the land management and his feeding of the folk when necessary he opines after the first winter our new folk will be so glad of the change that his brothers would get no support from the commons if they tried to return by force.

He opines in ten to fifteen years it will be all over, and is of the belief that he has three fifths of the gold in his coffers needed to complete the matter. Not even the Master of his coffers knows of his intent, and he said he only told me because it is as a result of my management that half of that gold is there. “You deserve to be my heir and you deserve to know what we are doing, for much of our day to day prosperity too is as a result of your dealings. I admit I was a little doubtful to begin with, but I understood your intent and believed not that you could make things worse. The folk work more willingly, better and harder for being better fed and housed and all think well enough of you to tell me so. I am proud of you, Gervaise, my son.” He had never acknowledged me like that before, and I was overcome when he gave me the father’s kiss of blessing.

He said I needed to be giving some thought to appointing a huntsman and land agent in my stead. He has heard good things of a cousin of my bride, and said he has views similar to mine as to the pregnant game, the males in their prime and the husbandry of the land, but he is being ignored as a dreamer by his Lord, so I’ve invited him to attend the wedding mentioning my need for a man such as he. If he is as My Lord has heard, and his reply to my invitation indicates he is and more, as his first task I would have him oversee the replanting of the woodland that suffered the lightning blast fire three years ago, with a view to providing cover for the game whilst the trees grow. I have heard of a channel built by the side of the mill pool at Long Grangely, which is four counties over, that enables the salmon to pass upriver without having to leap the pool dam. Tis said to be of cunning construction and I would like him to visit and learn of it’s function with a view to creating similar on our salmon rivers, for I have not the time for such travel.

When I was a child I enjoyed the spring well dressing, the summer turning, the autumn harvest and the winter Yule, as well as the other holidays too, which My Lord has always insisted all folk take time from working to celebrate, for he said folk needed the respite from toil to celebrate life. He maintained if folk had a day to look forward to their work was less onerous, and he enjoyed his time drinking and eating with the folk too, for he was not so high in the instep as to shun rubbing shoulders with them. However, I’ve never been one for superstition or religion, which is just another name for superstition, but I’m very open minded now and wonder what the future will bring. I haven’t had a dream since the one in which I was my mother looking at myself, but I have every reason to believe I shall be Lord Montsleigh one day which the dream predicted. I also believe I’m pregnant with a daughter and shan’t give birth for at least half a century, but time alone will tell, and in the meanwhile pregnant or no I have a family to engender to ensure our lands and folk, which will be far more extensive in the future, continue to be properly cared to. My Lord is already seeking tutors for my sons to be, and My Lady similar for my daughters, but I’m hoping for some guidance from my dreams as to how to live as a man and then subsequently as a woman.

Word Usage Key

1 Board, table.
2 Haaf netting is an ancient type of salmon and sea trout fishing. The technique involves fishermen standing chest-deep in the sea and using large submerged framed nets to scoop up fish that swim towards them.
2 Balm, yeast.
3 Quick, alive.
4 Eld, age.
5 Tirewoman, lady in waiting.
6 Gey, very or exceedingly.
7 Tightly, properly, adequately.
8 Vanya, nearly or almost.
9 Monthly courses, menstruation.