There they lie, gold, silver and copper, the result of a couple of hundred years of intensive research effort on my part, but it was worth it. They look glossy like inch thick, wax crayons with locating notches on each end, but why did I spend so much time and effort to produce articles in these shapes and in those colours? Actually, it’s not so much the objects that are required rather it’s the metallic elements they contain which are required for priming the stator in a door. In a word they are keys. The shape is just a convenience for their manufacture.

Now, when I say a door I mean a modern door, one of my doors, a door from several millennia in your future, through which one can walk from anywhere to anywhere else, that requires the copper, also from anywhen to anywhen else which requires the silver. What I hear you ask then is purpose of the gold? Well that is for going to both nowhere and nowhen. Actually that is not quite true the copper and the silver will take you there and then, but the gold is necessary to be able to return.

Who am I? Everyone and no-one and I exist simultaneously in every place and every time that I choose to. I am the source of all those legends concerning gneetches. The beings you see moving out of the corner of your eye but when you look there’s no one there. If there is it’s obviously not a gneetch. You can’t see more than a flicker of a gneetch in your time and place. Actually you can’t see more than a flicker of the Gneech. There’s only one of me, and I am the inventor of the modern door. Though with my recent developments in the manufacture of keys, the copper, silver and gold ones are hardly ever used now.

I invented doors because I rather enjoy the pleasures of the flesh and it was all getting a bit much. You know just having warmed up and ready for a serious bout of pleasure and then hearing the turning latch key in the closure, I refuse to call it a door, of a returning spouse. Something had to be done. After a couple of centuries of research I had it. When I need satisfaction I create a door at the home of who ever is my current interest to my own abode, and give them a once only palladium key. Palladium is a shiny and silvery-white metal, but the keys have a hint of blue. The key is to be used at their convenience. Well they think it’s at their convenience. Naturally I return them home myself after…, well just after.

The hint of blue is due to the stabilised astatine 210 isotope, which is done using traces of certain lanthanide and actinide elements with much longer half lives. Those traces when combined with the right words can produce remarkable physical changes in primitive humans as they passage the door. The combination also ensures compliance with my every whim.

You would probably call it all magic, witchcraft or some such nonsense, but that’s due to the primitive nature of your science which is millennia behind mine. A side effect of the words is time can be expanded so a month or so, or longer if I find some one particularly pleasing and they can take it, can happen at my home in a microsecond at the home of my interest, who naturally has no awareness of the time we have been spending together. I usually keep a pet for six weeks before returning them to the wild, after that they start to lose muscle tone. Sex a dozen times a day does that to humans no matter how well you feed them.

But I weary of explanations, so my delicious and magnificently bosomed, thighed and glutealed Mistress Caruthers just slip that ravishing lingerie off, and shew me yet again your stallion like new attributes and what you can do to me with them before you think you have to get back to that tedious little man you married who if you but knew it was barely worth that month of my time, despite his impressive breasts and vulva and vice like vagina.