“Ok, Blubber Buttocks, prepare yourself for a new world record. You do realise that you have now achieved the weight of a moderate sized killer whale?”

“God I hate smart arsed technology, and if I get any more lip from you you bloody sanctimonious speak your weight set of bathroom scales just because I’ve put on three pounds you’ll be trying to measure the weight of a swinging fourteen pound sledge hammer.”

“Tut, tut, tut. You are in a bad mood aren’t you, it must be due to the fat deposits. Fancy arguing with in inanimate piece of bathroom equipment!”

“Enough is enough.” I threw the scales out of the window, they’d only cost me a quid.

I live on the fourteenth floor and I must admit I was surprised to hear the scale cursing and saying, “I’ll make sure you regret this you fat slob.”

I thought I’d got a good deal when I bought the very expensive looking bathroom scales from the decidedly pointy nosed, shrivelled and hunch-backed, old woman on the car boot street market for £1. She’d been asking £5, but I’d knocked her down. As I left she had said, “Galatians six seven. Be not deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Crazy old witch.

The girls came round later that afternoon, it was my turn to have them. Now don’t get me wrong I love my daughters, and I really enjoy our Sunday activities, but I do find the three hour Saturday afternoon Monopoly sessions rather dull. This week was different. The girls had a new set. New to them anyway.

“We found it in a charity shop, Dad, it was only fifty pence,” Pauline explained. “The scary old lady in the shop said it was a bit different from the usual set. Then she wanted to know if we wanted to buy some bathroom scales, weird or what?”

I didn’t think about what the girls said about the charity shop or the old lady for a good while but that Monopoly set was certainly different!

No train stations, they were replaced by two fitness gyms and two weight loss clinics.

Community chest produced, amongst other things. You pay £2000 for Harley street surgical fat removal. You get diabetes from being over weight pay the specialist £300.

Similarly, Take a chance produced, again amongst other things. You pay forty times your dice score for lipo-suction. Emergency crash diet required costing £1000 in special food. Surgical appliances required due to excess weight you pay £550.

And so it went on and on and on,

Water company replaced by, Purchase of shares in no added sugar bottled spring water drinks company pay £1000.

Electricity company replaced by, Electro-weight loss therapy pay £1200.

Going past go gave me a 20,000 calories loss, and instead of go to jail I had to stay in high security calorie loss clinic till I threw a double, or achieved a ten pound (35,000 calories) weight loss. I never got the get out of clinic with the 35,000 calories loss card from either community chest or take a chance.

Only I got the weight related ones, not the girls. Inanimate bathroom equipment my, now thinner, backside! But then the make had been Diablo.

I’ve often wondered about the old woman. I invested in an Xbox and some games suitable for the girls, and I’ve never played Monopoly since. I also keep a very tight rein on my weight.