This chapter is dedicated to a 60 years old female doctor psychologist, who revealed me that I am a sfenist, around 2003. She opened my eyes and helped me rebuild my life in a new way. And not only me. Many people were helped by her over time. She died around 2016. May peace be upon her soul.

The author

The airplane arrives in Land Of Ice, early in morning, at dawn. In the civilized world, it's the day of Christmas. However, the Eastern Orthodox Christmas will be many days after now. We head back to the cheap motel and pick-up back our luggage. Now, Atan becomes again Alia. We looks almost the same. We both have green hair (even if his is shorter). We have a green winter coat, a green sweater and a green skirt. The only difference is at our feet. I have black tights and above them a second layer of green pantyhose, with green shoes. Alia has boots and green pantyhose. Anyone who will spot us will say that we are two girls and not what we really are.

"I am very sorry I've got you into this", says Alia - Atan. "I regret what my parents did to you".

"Well, if we have an extra free day", I say, "why not spend it here in the city?"

Well, we go to a small place near the University, where we eat something. Then, we make a break for smoking. Then, I come with an idea. We go to a distant part of the city, a quiet residential area. It is a street with concrete blocks of apartments. Everything looks just as it did in the old times. There, in one of those blocks, lives the person that made me realize I am a sfenist. I take him there. I am sure she will not be upset to see him, a man dressed as a woman. After all, I've seen even gay people visiting her. All come here for help. So, we get up to the 5th floor, where we ring at the door.

"Here lives the person that told me everything, that helped me recover my life. She is the only friend I have. Don't lie to her. Tell her everything", I say to him.

An old woman comes and opens the door. When she sees me, she immediately smiles:

"Nicotiana, what a pleasant surprise! And you've grown! And who is this one?"

"This one, is Alia or Atan, depending on how you want to call him", I answer. "He is my future husband, a transgender and also a sfenist".

"How happy I am to see that!" she says, with a big smile. "Come in, you too! I am so happy with you. Sfenist couples are extremely rare".

She invites us in her apartment. Almost nothing has changed around. Everything is as it was. She lives alone for a long time. She puts a big ashtray on the table.

"I know you are a convinced smoker", she says, laughing. "And I bet you are a smoker too, you have no idea how many people has she convinced to smoke. I hate alcohol. I had to divorce from my husband because he used to come drunk and beat me. My father ended in a mental institution because alcohol destroyed his brain. And my son is just a pathetic alcoholic, sleeping on the street. Smoking is much safer. But, Nicotiana, excess smoking is not good. I am approaching 70 and my body feels the effect of long term smoking. But still, smoking a cigarette with you is worth the consequences".

We start talking. First, I tell her about what happen these days: how I found Alia - Atan, how I made him smoke, how we shocked the whole village as he worn woman clothes and all that happen these days. Then, Atan tells her his personal life. Everything. She has the style to make you speak. She tries to be a friend and works with you from the inside.

<>.

Well, Alia, or Atan, as you want me to call you, I am the one that helped Nicotiana a long time ago. I recognize a sfenist from a big distance. And I am here to help you understand what you are. She must have told you by now that a sfenist is a psychological impotent, a person that has the capability to have sex, but is unable, because of a trauma. Sfenists never appear without a trauma. Yes, you might tell me about celibacy, as found in monasteries, but that is completely different. It is your own wish. Sfenists are always made against their own will. I have found many by now, majority of them being women. Male sfenists are more rare, but they do exist.

You both are sfenists because a violent incident, more exactly a rape. But there are many sfenists that became like you after something else. I know a 50 years old woman that became sfenist when her husband abandoned her. He realized that he is gay. I know a man that became sfenist after the death of his wife. And of course, there are many sfenists that became like you because their parents had a very powerful authority and truncated their personality. There are also other factors, all of them meaning something violent, a trauma that cannot be repaired ever.

Not everyone becomes a sfenist after a violent incident. I made a study on my own and found out that after a rape, more then half women return to a normal life and are able to support sexual relations. I found out that among those who don't recover, at least half become insane and a significant part become sexual addicted. Many cases of whores and prostitutes are in fact results of sexual abuse in early part of the life. The percent of women that became sfenists is small, but still notable.

If the victim immediately asks for a psychological treatment, it is possible to undo the damage and you might not become a sfenist. But, the recover will never be complete. In many cases, it is too late or it is impossible to do much. Here comes the catch. Since recovery is not always possible, many people will be able to have sex, but not as a pleasure. It will be a bit of pleasure, but there will also be suffering. Will there be more pleasure or more pain? Unfortunately, I have no answer to this.

Which people become sfenists? Many people recover without problems. I found out that majority of sfenists are lonely people, introverted, people with their own world. Also, people that trust others and who never ever experienced something violent in their life. Well, such people have a predisposition, but it is not a law. As far, I don't know exactly.

What is a sfenist? A sexual minority. And what is a sexual minority? Actually, an anomaly. Not a disease (even if some sexual minorities can be considered as diseases), but an anomaly. Now, what is an anomaly? People might say: 'an anomaly is something that is not normal'. In that case, you have to define what is normal and what not. The word 'normal' comes from the word 'norm' and all depends what you fix as norms. From a strict biological point of view, sex exists for a single reason: to reproduce. Animals have sex in order to breed. So, an anomaly can be defined any situation that prevents breeding from happening or any situation that sex occurs not for breeding. If we look at things like this, we see anomalies also at animals. How is that? Animals do masturbate and homosexual manifestations are well known. This is found more often at males and more rare at females. The answer is that males are always ready to mate, while females will only mate when they can get pregnant. For males, masturbation and homosexuality occurs when there is no female to mate. Also, as seen in cows and female pigs, that, when there is no male around, females will try to copulate with each other. But. all these manifestations disappear when classic sex is possible.

In case of humans, everything is far more different. You can say that humans are the most pervert species of all. Humans have sex almost only for pleasure and rarely to breed. Even more, we see a lot of unusual practices connected to sexual life. Masturbation occurs at almost everyone and in most cases continue the whole life. And we also see chastity in humans, which is impossible for animals. So, if we talk about humans, we see many sexual behaviors.

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1. So, let's classify sexual orientations:

In a classical point of view, adults able to breed are divided in heterosexuals (the vast majority), homosexuals (roughly 2.5% of population), with bisexuals (a group between them). But there also are asexuals, which compose of maybe up to 10% (but only 1% declare themselves so). Now, children and aged persons also fit as asexuals, so the number is much higher.

There are also other categories, much more rare: people that are in love with animals (zoophiles), people in love with objects (trees, statues and many others, known as panophiles) or people in love with love and not a real creature (known as eterophiles). In recent years, virtual sex has increased, as people got in love with computer avatars, virtual characters, drawings, hentai characters and other staff (virtualophiles). So, now you see how complex everything actually is. And even more, there are people belonging to multiple categories, like bisexuals.

Ok. Where do we put sfenists in these categories? Yes, sfenists fit well among the asexuals, but I also have meet homosexual sfenists and virtualophiles among sfenists. How do you classify that? Well, trying to do so, everything becomes even more complicated. Sexual orientation exists among the asexuals. Majority are heterosexuals, but not only. So, only a tiny part of the asexuals really are asexuals, the rest of them show some degree of sexual orientation.

2. Let's talk about sexual stability:

Now, once we classified sexual orientations, we need to classify sexual stability (how often you change partners). It is also very complex. Here, we see from people who have a sexual orientation but never have sex or even don't masturbate (like those who live in chastity), to those who go to sexual abuse (like those who practice rape). Based on sexual behavior, we see different minorities. Swingers are an example. They form couples, but from time to time, they 'swing', or change partners for a short period of time. We see that majority form couples (be them heterosexual or homosexual), but polygamy (a man with more women) or polyandry (a woman with more men) also exist. The most interesting thing is if you go to Tibet. There, it is common and natural for a man to have more women or a woman to have more men. Jealousy doesn't exist in Tibet. They solved all in an interesting way: When a woman dates more men, if one man is at her home, he drops his shoes at the door, so other men will not enter.

Where do sfenists fit in this? Well, majority of them live a lonely life. There are a few that have sex to make their partners happy, but also, rare sfenist couples. From what I've seen, sfenist couples are extremely stable. I've never seen a sfenist to cheat its partner, ever.

3. The third thing is sexual behavior.

Here, we have many interesting things. In many cases, people just have sex and that's it. But here we see a lot of minorities. Fetishists are attracted by something. In your case, Alia - Atan, that thing is pantyhose fetish, which is a subcategory of foot fetish, which is very common. There are many kinds of fetishes. There are even more rare sexual minorities, like vampires. They use blades, to make their partner lose a few drops of blood, before having sex. Other unusual minorities are attracted by excrements or flowers or... whatever you might imagine.

The BDSM people are considered a sexual minority. They can be heterosexual, homosexual or belong to any sexual orientation. They like to restrain their partners with bondage tape, ropes and even torture them.

Where do sfenists fit in this classification? At level 1. They would never hurt or force their partners.

4. Sexual identity.

We like to take things straight: a person is a man or a woman. Well, there are many degrees of freedom between these two and that's when you become a transgender. It starts with little imagination (dreaming like what if I were a girl when I am a boy). A second stage means playing with a character of an opposite gender (for example if you are a woman, choosing a male character in computer games, writing a novel with male characters, drawing mostly men). A third level appears when you start in secret to wear clothes or make-up of the opposite gender. The 4th level appears when you become a cross-dresser on the street. The 5-th level is different: when you identify yourself as having the opposite sex. Level 6 comes to the use of hormones and limited surgery, while level 7 comes with surgery of your genitals and you become the opposite gender.

Well, here we have a few interesting things to note. The term 'transgender' is most used in North America and Western Europe, where they exist and have a strong community. There are many distinct transgender minorities in the world, like the Hijra in India or the Fa'fine in Polynesia. They are linked to specific cultures.

Where do we put sfenists among sexual identities? Anywhere. They are found in any group.

Ok for now!

I have a questionnaire with seven questions, each one with seven answers. So, there are 49 positions. If you complete it, you get close to your real sexual identity.

I: What is your sexual orientation?

1 - asexual, 2 - heterosexual, 3 - homosexual, 4 - virtualophily, 5 - zoophily, 6 - panophily, 7 - eterophily

II: How stable are you in your relationships?

1 - a single person whole life, 7 - never with the same person

III: What is your sexual behavior?

1 - don't touch (platonic), 7 - extremely violent (rape)

IV: What is your sexual identity?

1 - natural (male/female), 7 - complete transformation to opposite sex

V: How frequent do you have sexual activities?

1 - never (not even masturbate), 7 - many times a day

VI: How much time of your life is dedicated to sex-related themes?

1 - zero, 7 - all time when I am awake

VII: How far are you from your ideal model?

1 - perfect, 7 - none.

For questions 2...7, you pick-up only one answer. For question 1, for each answer, you give a note between 1 and 7, where 1 means 'no' and 7 means 'yes'.

What is interesting about this test is that it helps the patient to discover who really is. The doctor does not give it a score. Please complete if for yourself and you will have a clear image of what you really are. You see, many people fit into a certain point for a question, but it really is amazing to see how diverse results are. On rare occasions you see two people giving identical answers.

Now, let's get more into sfenists. As one can see, they tend to have some certain scores among the table. At question 1, they tend to write answers 1 and 2, in a similar percentage with other people. At question 2, they write answer 1. At question 3, they write answer 1 or rarely 2. At question 4, they write answer 1 or 2, in the same percent with other people. At 5, they write 1 or 2. At 6, they tend to write 3, which is a bit lower then average. Finally, at question 7, they go directly to extremes, 1 or 7, while in average people go to middle values.

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How frequent are sfenists?

To answer this question, it is hard. The hardest part is that they are not recognized as a sexual minority, even if it is clear that they are. Sfenists are described in various Psychology books and studies, but usually associated with other terms. In most cases, they are described as people with a sexual disorder. One important disadvantage is that psychologists have different methods and different concepts in various parts of the world and this makes any research extremely difficult.

Because they are not recognized as a sexual minority, there is no worldwide research to see how many actually are. I tried on my own to find an answer. If you ask them the proper questions, you will find them. And I did find sfenists wherefer I could send the tests: in North and South America, in West and East Europe, in the Muslim World, Japan and in India. They are found worldwide, but not in the same percents.

As an average, I would say one person in 3000 is a sfenist. Still, this is not a rule. My results found they can be more often, up to one in 500 in certain areas, like at the border between Europe and Asia (and this is where the word 'sfenist' actually exist and is often used). It is clear that they do exist and nobody talks about them.

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How sfenists are, as people?

Sometimes, you don't realize you are a sfenist until you try to have sex. At that point, you realize something is going on. But in most cases, the wounds in your soul are so deep, that you struggle for years only to have a normal life.

From what I've learned is that sfenists behave a bit different. They seem to have personality problems, but not always. They sometimes tend to have another identity. They sometimes try to change their life, try to build a new 'you'. I found cases when they become more violent or they just stop and swallow anything you throw into them. It varies. But, if you do a close analyse, you see their personality is somehow altered.

What remains, usually for the whole life, is the fact that they tend to avoid certain things, places, kinds of people or objects. It all depends to what made them suffer. In many cases of sexual abuse, I found out some key points. For example, they don't allow you to touch them in certain areas (where they had a knife or a wound). They might not support the smell of sweat or to see people naked. In some rare cases, they tend to stay inside and avoid people around them.

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You two must realize that the chance for two sfenists to meet and form a couple is extremely rare. As only one in 3000 is sfenist, the chance to see such a couple is:

3000 X 3000 = 9000000 or one in nine million.

In my whole life, I've seen only two sfenist families. You are the third. And it is your only chance. Your new life is born from pain and nobody else can answer this but yourselves.

A sfenist couple is very difficult to form. It needs time and you must look at things in a completely different way. It is by far not good to look into sex for a lengthy period of time. What will happen, is that you will find far more affection. Sfenist couples are far more powerful and far more united then any other couple. Affection builds-up because of the hormones that exist in each of us. But, in a sfenist couple, there is no way these hormonal tensions can drop through sex. So, they transform into affection. And the affection rises up to incredible levels. You will see. I already see that you try to copy the other one. And this is how it happens. I don't know why, but in every couple, partners try to copy one each other. They end-up having the same gestures, speaking the same, walking with the same steps, wearing similar clothes (as much as possible), trying to copy the other one in any way.

The affection increases to a level where the dominant thing in your life is your partner. You try the best to make it happy. And this incredibly strong affection makes you tolerate everything at your partner. I might say that sfenist love is in fact perfect love.

A sfenist relation can be divided into five steps.

1. At first, the two partners will try to approach each other, but will find that their wounds will act as strong barriers. they try to touch, to love and maybe even to have sex, only to realize this is not the way. Usually, this lasts for a few weeks or months. You were smart and did not try this step.

2. The second step is a lengthy period, lasting from weeks to over an year. In this time, the affection grows beyond that of a classical relationship. I have seen that, during this phase, they might only kiss or hug when they meet, without much more. And you directly entered this period.

3. As time goes, they start to make what limited love is possible. Now, they start touching, exploring the other's body. It is not sex, nor the way lovers do. Each sfenist has certain areas of its body that doesn't want to be touched and refuses to go beyond that. Well, this will also last a few months. What amazes me is that, while they do this, they show a higher amount of affection. They are more happy with this then people in other forms of relationships when having complete sex.

4. The last stage is when they find a way of sex, even if it is different. The best way to do this is mutual masturbation. Well, sfenists have hormones as we all do. Masturbation is common in sfenist couples, but for the first steps, it goes unnoticed. In this stage, they start to talk about it. At first, they will masturbate at the same moment of day, but in different places, without seeing one each other. then, it will happen in the same room. Then, it happens in as one can see the other. It all continues and in some cases, it can go to the point where they touch each other. This phase can also take months to go pass.

5. The final step of a sfenist relation, which occurs even later, is when the strong affection apparently drops a bit. At that point, they are a mature couple, much stronger tied then any other couple. They are one, so united that this scares other people. I've seen it. Well, at this phase, it is time to try to make a child. At this phase, if all worked fine, it might be possible to have limited sex (only if this is possible). Children can be also made artificial. In this case, the man produces some sperm and the woman inserts it. At previous stages, this is not possible or it is very painful.

What is essential is that sfenists will never betray their partners, they will show an incredible level of affection and devotion and that they will try to imitate each other. And also, it is important to note that sfenist relations are not like platonic relations. They are different.

The biggest error sfenists will do is in the first phase, when they will try to touch each other and even to have sex, without realizing that this is impossible. If you manage to get pass it, you will have the most united family in the world.

<>

"I must thank you", says Alia. "Thank you for making me understand who I am".

"You're welcome", she says. "When I look into your eyes I see the eyes of a cornered rabbit, waiting to be eaten by wolves. It is time to realize that you have only one friend in this world and that friend is Nicotiana. Your parents will never accept you as you are. Think what would happen if they know you wear pantyhose and now you sit near me dressed as a woman".

"I do", he says.

"And you, Nicotiana, your eyes looked like a wounded dog when we first meet. Always looking for a place to hide and ready to bite if necessary".

"I remember when you said that".

"Now, you look more like willing to help, but beware. Your wounds are still there and they will never heal. Now, I wish you all the good in the world. God bless you both!"

We leave her apartment and head to the railway station. This was the last time in my life that I've seen her. She is the one that helped me recover and rebuild my life.