John had gone to a Halloween party at the Blue Swan, dressed as Little Bo Peep. He found himself in bed with another man the next morning. He had not only become the object of Matthias' affection the previous night. That morning he soon became engaged to Matthias. There was a glow about him that others were happy about. But how could he respond so quickly to Matthias' proposal and become the woman beneath the costume?

Matthias, since he was ten knew he liked other boys, but this man he called Jeanne was more like a woman. Yet Matthias swept him/her off his feet and quickly knew he was in love forever. Really? Those who knew either one wondered if it came too fast and if I was for real. Though most usually said little to nothing negative to either of them.

Part of contacting Psychologist Dr. Maggie Moritz was to appease friends or family who had been questioning John/Jeanne and her engagement to Mathias. Much of the decision came from talking with John's Mom, sister and his own desire to confirm the decision. He knew there was more behind it. It felt so right though even he accepted it seemed a bit crazy.

It was the third and fourth visits that Maggie helped Jeanne get a handle on things. Maggie observed, “When you talk about going to the conference there are pauses when the focus goes to Matthias. What’s in those gaps?” Jeanne tried to remain quiet, but she noticed a change in Maggie’s facial expression. She remained quiet, yet gently looked for Jeanne to speak.

Jeanne had some thoughts pertaining to Mathias had continued since the conference. The question that remained, was why John was so determined and went over to meet Mathias at the conference? Jeanne had started to give Maggie the same simple answers she had been giving everyone. Then she pauses.

She asked, “What were those feelings that caused you to pause?”

Jeanne said, “It’s silly but I guess I’m safe telling you?” I pause knowing I was catching my breath and working up the courage to say what I really wanted too.

“I had conveniently forgotten what had driven me at a conference but it was to meet Mathias personally. Several women were talking and one said that he was good at investing. Another woman said, “He could invest in her.” And the other woman softly spoke, “I hear he’s more likely to invest in another man.”

She told, Maggie, “It wasn’t why I went over to say hello and meet him, but part of me had jumped to the fact I found him attractive.”

She wasn’t thinking or worried about what she was saying, “There was a time years ago, I wondered if I might be gay because I thought it would be neat to be a girl. But that was when I was young and I was teased because I was more like my sister than my brother and dad. However I never felt attracted to a boy, so I knew I wasn’t. That was until that conference.”

Maggie says, “So you found yourself attracted to Matthias, how so?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that but I did think he’s attractive in a way a girl sees him. He’s manly and strong but not like a Neanderthal. He’s intelligent and he listens like he values what a person might have to say. I had purchased his booklet, ‘Investing for Today and Tomorrow’. And he signed it for me.”

Maggie asked, “When you were younger what made you like the thought of being a girl?”

I say, “When the boys chose teams I wasn’t always chosen so I played with the girls and younger boys. They made me feel welcome. I often played with Jayne, Darlene and then the Cline girls after their dad built a house across the street. Their Mom always made Cathy, Mary and Sally wear skirts or dresses, even when they played.”

Maggie came back to things like this my next visit. “My sister Sheila teased me and once suggested I wear one of her old skirts. After I didn’t say ‘No’ she insisted I wear one in her room. Once, she did that and my Mom caught me and made me go out and play dressed in the skirt. Luckily the Clines had us play in their backyard and it was just girls.”

He said, “They agreed with me girl clothes were more colorful. Jayne’s cousin was visiting and she used makeup on me. I didn’t really mind though as a boy it was embarrassing. I stopped that when I was in sixth grade.”

Maggie asked, “Did you continue to cross dress after that?”

“I told you, I stopped it then?”

She said, “Does that mean you didn’t do it when you were alone?” Jeanne had become silent and knew somehow she knew he hadn’t.

Jeanne asked, “Did my sister or Mommy tell you? I thought my sister had never talked to you and I didn’t think my Mommy knew.”

Maggie said they hadn’t, “It is up to you to tell me if you did and what motivated you?” I'm embarrassed as Jeanne and she somehow knew that I had given it away.

“I really did stop for a long time. Then once I was home sick and my Mom had to leave and do something. That was when my desire again became too strong to resist. My sister had worn a real pretty outfit the day before and I knew it was in the laundry. It was big on me but it still looked real nice. Since then I did it now and then.”

Maggie pauses, “Did you ever imagine when you were dressed up that a boy found you to be a pretty girl?”

“I told you, I never saw a boy I was attracted to.” She asked, “But did you ever imagine that it happened?” She was quiet until Jeanne, I, acknowledged, “Yes, but I would feel bad about it later. I knew my thoughts weren’t right for a boy.”

“What did the girl, you imagined to be, thinking?”

I told her, “She liked it. She tried to convince me she’s really me. I liked it a lot until when I imagine it something happened and well the feeling in my body became too much. I couldn’t imagine I’d find a guy I was attracted to and that he found me as his love.”

Maggie asked, “What was the girl’s name or what did you call her?”

Jeanne said, “Even then I liked being called Jeanne. I was always her but no one needed to know.”

It was near the end of that visit Maggie asks, “What did you think when you woke up in bed with Matthias?”

“I was very happy though it was hard to believe I actually did it. I was tired of hiding and I had wondered if I would ever have the nerve to do it. I was happy that night that I followed my heart. I had felt attracted to him when I saw him at the conference. Then I recognized him at the Halloween party, his costume was simple. We danced earlier in the night. When we danced again he seemed to know me. He treated me like the woman I wanted to be with him. I needed a drink to keep my courage. But I was not fighting Mathias, I was fighting my fears.”

“When I woke up in the morning and Matthias got up over me. I was sure the night before was real and not a dream. I couldn’t believe I had actually followed through.”

I pause wondering if Maggie was repulsed or wanted to question me about what had happened. Jeanne continued to tell Maggie, “It was then my sister came in his room and I did not shrink from being me that I felt real good that she had seen me and not laughed. When my sister stepped out to wait for us. I was not sure what would happen. I was surprised that he proposed to me. I told him, ‘Jeanne says, I love you to.’ He left no doubt Jeanne was being proposed to.”

“When Matthias proposed, it was like everything was out of control. I said yes because I wanted too, but I didn’t know how to tell others, especially those important to me. They wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to argue with people, so I just acted like I had changed for no known reason.”

“When people saw me happy and relaxed; it was like they saw another side of me. They thought it was sudden, but they liked Jeanne, as I did. That whole day was wondrous and things kept going and changing. It might have been too fast, but things kept falling in place. It seemed better to take each step than risk it would stop and not be.”

Finally the time with Maggie that session only stopped because she had another client.

Jeanne had agreed to meet Jenn and Cara from work after my session and their work day. Jenn and Cara complimented how sharply Jeanne was dressed. She had a simple shirt-like blouse but I was showing some cleavage."

Jenn said, “You have grown so much in a short time. I can tell you’re thinking more as one of us.”

Jenn was becoming a regular girl friend. Cara was still a friend but Jeanne could tell she still saw him as Jeanne in a way she was not open to tell him. Jeanne waited until Cara left before she was comfortable talking about her visit with Dr. Maggie. Jenn, “Thank you for trusting me like a best girlfriend. You seem to know as Jeanne, it is good not to just trust anyone.”

Mathias was worried Jeanne might be down after her counselling session and planned a quiet dinner out to start the evening. She enjoyed getting back to her apartment. She had a relaxing shower, changed her cosmetics to be more colorful and her outfit was warmer as well as fancier. Red tights to show off her legs above her heeled boots and under the seasonably short skirt. She was sure they would go over to the Blue Swan before returning to the apartment of one or the other. We decided come April we would share the new apartment that Mathias had rented.

Jeanne was glad that he allowed her to help make it our apartment beginning in March.

They were not sharing their journeys, including the insights Jeanne gained through counseling. Family was relieved somehow knowing they had begun to think things through more thoroughly. Even the guys who had vied for Matt’s attention were more relaxed. Those who wanted be friends stayed around, others moved on. Jeanne knew that Matthias had kept some friends who had been very close, though she was not sure if they were any longer intimate.

Mathias’ sister Rebecca was happy that they would put off our marriage, first until September or October. Finally they set the date for an April wedding of the following year. It would give Rebecca time for her wedding and coming marriage to be celebrated, center stage with nothing looming before or closely after their wedding.

She was happy and took Jeanne to one of her fittings and she showed me her gown and all that was distinctively, beautifully hers. When Jeanne asked if it was satin and lace. Rebecca had her feel the material before she said, “It is all silk and beautifully adorned with real precious stones.” That stopped Jeanne from asking if they were rhinestones on the gown. Someone mentioned they were not all diamonds. Jeanne could tell the dark blue stones were sapphires but she did not know that jade from Thailand was special.

Mother Strass was proud that Jeanne took time to listen. “Young lady, you are on a big learning curve. I appreciate you being here and not worrying about all that you might or might not know. I know Mathias who usually doesn’t care about these things, appreciates that you are growing as a woman as well as the love in his life.”

Rebecca squeezed my hand as she said, “My Mom is taken with you. We would like to know if you are open to being fitted with for a Bridesmaids gown and acting as my sister and being part of my bridal party?”

Jeanne teared up, “These are tears of joy. Yes, I would be overwhelmed to be asked. And yes, I welcome the idea of becoming your sister. Mother Strass, I know you hoped I would just smile and say yes.”

Jeanne was given the jade green gown that could easily be worn for an evening out among society, to the opera or as Ma Strass suggested an evening in Washington, D.C. or the Lincoln Center in New York. Jeanne was slipping into the gown as she noticed someone was entering. She turned to see her mother. Mrs. Strass spoke to Mrs. Hulme, “I invited you to come see how your daughter will look as a bridesmaid.”

My Mom’s hands came up to my face as she mouthed, “O my you are beautiful darling.” Though Jeanne had not heard her, she said, “Thanks Mom, I appreciate that.” Mrs. Strass explained that two bridesmaids would wear the jade green gowns, two would wear the sapphire blue gowns and two would have ruby red gowns. Somehow their colors were special for Rebecca.

The seamstress measured Jeanne and fitted her then but requested me come back to be fitted again two weeks before the wedding. “I have seen a picture of you from last November or December. You're a maturing young woman. I want to encourage that transformation without you worrying about the gown for Rebecca’s wedding. I suspect you will be about five to seven pounds lighter and proportioned more like the woman you are growing to be.”

My Mom stepped forward, “She is doing you a favor.” The two hold hands as her Mom gazes at me and I could not help but feel special like I'm Rebecca's sister. “Thanks Mom, I find myself needing you in ways I had only dreamed of but never thought would happen.”

Sheila and Jeanne were to go out to dinner, but Sheila said she had a message to stop at Jenn’s place before they went to dinner. Jenn welcomed them in and when Sheila quickly took off her coat and became comfortable, Jeanne knew something was up.

Cheese, wine and bread were on Jenn’s table.

Jenn said and Sheila shook her head in affirmation, “You’ve talked to both of us about your future and you have consistently talked about what Matthias wants. We would like to talk about what you would like. You have talked about your becoming a woman and that Mathias wants you to keep your male side. We’re not experts about men loving each other and you do not owe us to explain things. We are concerned about you wrestling through what you want as a young woman.”

Jeanne sighs in relief, she gets infrequent opportunities apart from Dr. Maggie to focus on herself. She walks over to pour a red wine, and to pick out a piece of cheese and bread. It had become one of her favorite combinations of comfort food. She steps out of her heels as she relaxes in a chair with her knees together and her feet curled under her. She said to them, “You knew I would have stewed about this if I knew beforehand. Thanks.”

Jenn and Sheila sighed in relief. “While I think I’d like to fully embrace my female identity as Jeanne in time. I’m in no hurry. I want to remain as I am and become comfortable with me as I am now first. And yes, I know it is as Mathias likes me.”

Sheila spoke up, “We’re worried that the longer you put off speaking up, the less likely it will ever happen. That your identity as a couple will always be what Matthias wants.”

“You were right earlier, you don’t know what men together want, nor do you know what a gay man and a transgendered woman want. We do talk like other lovers or couples and don’t feel a need to explain that. But you’re close to being a sister and my best girlfriend, so I don’t mind talking some about me.”

Jeanne said, “Matt, from what I gather, is not the average guy. While he likes his way, he’s sensitive; we’re both growing and changing. Some of my changes are more physically obvious. I’m not sure you want to get into the hygiene aspects or how it is sexually.”

I say, “Someday, I think I’d like to outwardly appear completely female, but if it doesn’t happen it would probably be that I’ve fallen in love with how I am and decide to stay this way. Truth is, I do love being this way with our relationship as it is.”

Jeanne focuses on them, “I also love my girl times with you two. You’re my role models as Jeanne, and talking and just being with you is important as it is for any woman. Probably more so, because as Jeanne I didn’t really grow up and gain an understanding of what it is being me.”

She said, “You both know I’m on a hormone regimen and I’m changing. I don’t think male wise it is likely I would develop beyond where I am. More likely as I mature as a woman my maleness will likely continue to diminish. Where I’m at in that or expect to be down the road, I’d rather not tell you. That is between Matthias and me.”

During the evening and as they talked about their guys, Jeanne heated up like they did. Her breasts became very warm and her nipples became aroused as did her sister’s and Jenn’s as they thought of sensual times with their men.

Jeanne liked the change of conversation as it turned to how Sheila was the one who allowed Zach to stay away from commitment and she stayed in a relationship contrary to her wishes. It turned out that someone else was growing more important in her life. As well as Jenn and Jeanne’s influence on her.

Because of Jeanne, Jenn acknowledge she had wrestled with the possibility of her being attracted to women. She was at least thankful she had wrestled through that. As Jeanne knew she has a few guys she likes, but has no desire at this time of getting serious, male or female.

Jeanne said as the night ended, “As John I could never have gone the night without eating or calling bread, cheese and wine a meal or this an evening. I am glad I have you two. My life has changed even apart from Matthias.”

The first time I went to New York City was interesting as Becky was always Rebecca and Jeanne became Jeannette. One new credit card already had her name as Jeannette Strass. Another as Jeanne Hulme as Jeanne already had changed her identification to Jeanne Hulme before the turn of the year.

Ma Strass wants Jeanne to have a small wardrobe befitting Society that was the main reason for the trip to Madison Avenue. That meant no less than six dresses to get her through winter, a minimum of six evening dresses for spring. The fitting for foundation garments came early. Jeanne loved them as they allowed her to embrace her female image more easily as she tried on new clothes.

Matthias would enjoy talking her out of anything she’d wear. Though he became more discrete and private on how he did that, they remained warm and passionate toward one another.

Having a nice selection of delicates became a joy as Jeanne had been severely bitten by the shopping bug. Wearing a dress a second time is something Jeanne would do, but not usually within a few weeks of the last time. It provided reason for Jeanne to go shopping for something new.

It was an evening in January when Mathias took Jeanne to Sisters in Philadelphia; being fairly sure she would be invited to dance by another woman. Jeanne was ready to decline the invite, when Mathias suggested she might want to. Though Jeanne’s body had started to appear more feminine Leia greeted Jeanne, “Please come back here if you become too much of a woman for Matt. But don’t let him fool you, he too can be a softy.” When asked about that Leia gave a grin and offered, “We didn’t think he would have offered that side of him yet.” Conversation ended.

More important for Jeanne’s growth was she had now been brought deeper into the LGBT community by experience as well as thought. Leia was more basic that Jeanne’s sister in helping her to know her own pleasure areas.

It was several visits with her mother, Marie Hulme that was a catharsis for them both. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. Marie had invited her new daughter over for a time just between Marie and Jeanne, mom and daughter. She was mostly listening when she brought herself to ask about a time in the past. “Jeanne this probably sound ludicrous but do you remember a time when you were about ten and I found you up to…” Jeanne interrupted, “When you came into my room and I was surprised. Neither of us said anything as I pushed something under my covers.”

Mom says, “Yes, I was going to tell you, your TV program was on. That was shortly after I knew someone had been into my clothes. I thought it had been your sister and it was unthinkable to me that it was you. I didn’t need to know what you were hiding. I saw signs of makeup, maybe an earring.” She paused, “I hoped it scared you enough that we wouldn’t have to talk about it. I convinced myself you wouldn’t dare do it again.”

Jeanne, “I was sure you were going to make me talk about it. Then I wondered how could you miss the signs. You became stern with me. It sent the message you didn’t like me like it.” His Mom took his hands as they were talking. “I had hoped you would say something and we’d begin talking even if you were angry with me. It would have been better than the silence and how you looked.”

“I often tried to hide things, yet I wished I would get caught or the courage to speak up. Even when I was ten you’d take me to your friend’s store. They had the women’s store with panties, bras and slips mostly. I acted respectfully when I was there, usually like a well behaved boy being where he wasn’t comfortable. Truth was I wanted to try things and I think Ma Hammond knew it.”

His Mom told him, “Mrs. Hammond told me you wanted to try women’s delicates, but were afraid. She told me I should leave you there sometime and leave for fifteen minutes.” Mom said, “One of the next times I did, but Mama Hammond wasn’t there so the chance to try something wasn’t offered to you.”

Jeanne remembered a time his mother had left, but the exceptionally attractive daughter of the owner had come in to try some lingerie. The changing room curtain had a gap that John had been able to see through. He remembered he had seen Frieda when she was down to her panty and ready to put the piece she was trying on. Frieda and John’s eyes caught one another. She had smiled at him and even waved him to come in.

Jeanne was thinking of the times there when his mother interrupted his daydreaming. Marie interrupted, “There was another time, but it wasn’t planned. By then I thought you had moved on. Your sister has told me it is something a TG girl doesn’t outgrow the desire, but I didn’t know or think it was possible that you were like that. That I should have known. Did you really see yourself as Jeanne growing up?”

Jeanne acknowledged, “I had small amounts of girl stuff several times. I knew I was a girl but again and again I fought it and purged my girl things and stuffed any thought of being a girl deep down. One problem was I would get samples because my name was Jean, I got things that were totally girl. I even got a request for a dating service that only would allow me to register as a girl.”

Once Mom asked, “Was it true that you went out in college as a girl once? Sheila was sure she saw you.” Jeanne wondered how to answer, not knowing the time Sheila had seen her. John had a precious friend, Katie. She had been a year ahead of him in college but they had lived in the same building, though different suites. Kate knew of Jeanne and because of that had actually proposed to him/her before she graduated. But Jeanne would have had to come out to others and Jeanne would need to finish her education with Kate as she had a job in another state.

Kate had cut-off their relationship and moved on and for two years had been gone form Jeanne’s life. Jeanne wasn’t going to share all this, but she knew now was the time to be open. Her Mom was surprised during their visits about the son/daughter she had not really known.

It was the second visit, Mom had a gift wrapped in a wrapping that had the appearance that it had aged. It was tall, maybe twenty inches. “This was purchased for you, and I was going to give it to you, if and when I could confirm you liked girl things.” She had pushed it closer to Jeanne until she took it and lifted it in her lap. Jeanne had a guess but was sure it could not be. She took off the ribbon and drew the bow to her chest as if it were a treasure. She slipped her hand under the edges of the wrapping where it had been taped. Soon she could see as the paper lifted away the most beautiful doll she had ever seen. She had seen it before, but wasn’t that when she/he was ten or eleven.

Mom teared as Jeanne opened the box and held the doll in her arms. Jeanne kissed her Mom on the cheek expressing thanks. Jeanne felt her eyelashes were wet when they brushed her mother’s face.

“You know Grandma Gernay is still waiting for a visit from you. She loves to do something special for each of her granddaughter.” Grandma would make quilts, or crocheted blankets for each of her granddaughters. She also desires to teach them to cross-stitch but all that was when they were younger.

Come Rebecca’s wedding as Jeanette walked down aisle in the eloquent gown; no doubt was left in the thought of family and friends: Jeanne was Matthias’ love. To what extent female as she appeared or the male as Matt like that had become much less important to most.

(Halloween Engagement is important in appreciating this story.)

Characters:
Jean (John)/ Jeanne Hulme
Mr. & Mrs. Louis & Marie Hulme Jean/Jeanne’s parents
Sheila Hulme - Sister
Matthias Strass
Mr. & Mrs. Henri & Ruth Strass
Rebecca (Becky) Strass
Joe and Claudette (Claudia) Strass
Joey and Lynne
Jenn, Tess and Cara – Work friends of John’s now Jeanne’s