Matthias and Jeanne are planning on going to the Blue Swan for Halloween again this year. It will be a celebration for them of where they met and fell in love one year ago. Jeanne’s even planning to go once again in the Little Bo Peep costume that Jean wore last year. There are to be some differences but that’s only known to Jeanne and her friend Jenn so far.

It’s the week before, Matthias and I are cuddling up around our drinks with some friends. When an adult woman walks over to us with a teenage boy/girl. She looks at me as she asks, “My Norm wants to dress like the girl he says he is. I was wondering, if you could help us in getting a nice costume as well as the beginning of a new wardrobe?”

Matthias kisses in the ear, whispering, “Jean...ne, I think they are wanting you.”

I unwind myself out of Matthias’ arms asking, “Are you seeing yourself as a young woman 24/7? You have oodles of possibility for Halloween; it depends on what you’re wanting. ...And if I’m helping you in being a woman, I need to hear from you?”

Norm looks shy and is looking around as we separate from others. We’re in a club in York not known by most. I suspect Norma’s been here, at least with others in our community. I am glowing with empathy, I suspect the girl in Norm is working up the courage to talk to me.

“I… I’m Lydi. I haven’t had the chance but I think I want to be a girl all the time. I mean I am a girl, but I haven’t had the opportunity. I’m almost eighteen and Mom knows I’m intending to liberate myself. She wants me to get traditional help, but I want someone who knows what it feels like.”

I look back from where we came to Matthias, “I hope you will take some time in finding yourself.” (Unlike I did.) I try to take Lydi by the hands. She decides to hug me. There is more to her chest then the regular boy. There is a tenderness her voice and arms that says she has experience being Lydi.

We sit down around a small table: Lydia's weeks away from being 18 and started experimenting in dressing up when Norm was 10. As early five, Lydi remembers taking interest in his Mom’s things with a mixture of joy and guilt. It was then Norm began playing with Karyn. She moved next door. She introduced him to dolls, playing house and helping her mom.

I ask if he gave being a boy a chance. He had a detailed list starting peewee league baseball, basketball and later football and soccer. He took interests in other boys come fifth grade when he liked being among the girls when they talked about boys. Lydi looks towards her mom, “Billy first kissed me when I was twelve and he was in the grade ahead of me. He too saw me as a girl and we kinda got closer.” Her eyes glanced at her mom, I suspect this is news to her.

We agree to meet the next day, Norm will have changed afterschool. I wonder if Lydi will present better as a girl; maybe she’ll be comfortable as she is tonight.

I rejoin Matthias and the group that has gathered, an evening show of various performers. It amazes me the talent of the people who come here, most are in the LGBT community. It is not a karaoke night as a pianist or two play for several singers. It is an enjoyable night of being entertained with some people of talent.

When a woman with a guitar and banjo goes up on stage, some anticipate what is coming is low-grade hillbilly country. She does have a very relaxed and unkempt look about her. Those of us who had already heard Julie before know better. With pictures timed to one of her instrumentals and great control and clarity to her playing, she quickly wins over everyone.

Her guy sat with us and took an interest in Matthias. I became uncomfortable with his presence. I subtly made my presence and relation to Matt known. There came a strain or hurt when Matt told him, “She’s been more pussy than a guy; it leaves one wanting.”

The truth was over the last two months the differences of me being transwoman verses a feminine gay man began playing on our relationship. “But Matthias, I thought you were having plenty of opportunities to have me as you like?”

Matthias says, “You don’t realize how much I’ve adjusted my life for you. Plus my sisters and Mother treat you like one of them, instead of you being more like me.”

I stumble on a heel as I get up and it makes me appear drunk or at least having too much to drink. I sometimes do when we are out like this. I say, “But you are the one who proposed to me. I thought we’ve been doing well. How are you expecting me to carry and birth a baby if I’m not a woman?”

Things went downhill from there and I walk out of the club. I call my Mom asking to stay there a night. I didn’t expect it to escalate. I tell her what’s happened and she calmly says, “You need to work it through. It is not that big a deal.”

Well I am back to the apartment and we are talking to each other, but neither of us is talking about the incident.

This year for Halloween Little Bo Peep will have clear glass/plastic heels and I will have a professional theater and costume makeup artist help me with a surprise. I have my face made up in a practice session. It will be hard for people to figure out why my face is made up the way it will be until they see the transformation. The difference in my eyes will be noticeable but most won’t guess why.

My friend Jenn will be helping me and Matt is getting grouchy about the time I’m spending with her.

I have fun meeting with Lydi and her Mom as we go shopping. I say, "High school students usually don't go Trick or Treating."

Lydi says, "Cindy a girl I know is having a Halloween party with people to come in costume. She knows who I am."

She's wanting to be a young Princess Laiah, and I remember wanting to be her when I was younger. We are able to find an adult size costume but decide later to buy a white satin skirt and blouse that she'll be able to wear for a night out. Norm, Lydi is enjoying herself shopping for a wardrobe. She's able to buy a dress and another outfit and accessories along with the satin skirt and blouse.

When I say, "A girl needs at least three to four outfits and another nice bra."

Her mother looks despondent, "It's not that I'm against it. We just don't have it in our finances. I set some money aside so we could do this. He's been to other places and has some things girls have discarded."

I ask, "Would you mind if I paid for two more everyday outfits for Lydi?" The Mom and Lydi both smiled.

Lydi says, "But we can't ask that of you. You have helped much already. We didn't ask you to help with that purpose."

I said, "I understand, but it is part of what I want to do. I like having casual clothes that I can wear every day. I suspect you will enjoy having that too. I thought I saw one outfit you were wanting that I now believe you had to choose not to get." Indeed I had as she quickly goes to the checked skirt of many colors. I insist she gets two tops that will go with it.

She is looking for a granny style dress with lacework and finds it. Needless to say, it is not what granny would have chosen, but it looks very special on Lydi. It is not on sale and she feels a need to put it back. "I can't afford to wear that as an everyday dress as I'd want."

I say, "You and I know it is an everyday dress. I think you will like it and we all agree you look very chick in it." "That said we need to pay for everything and go to dinner so we can chat about it. That's the girl thing to do."

Her mom says, "I love that idea. Maybe my daughter can learn to talk to me about things like this."

Come Saturday night we have our first Halloween party and Matt and I are both stunning. He is done up well as Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind with extra tight pants showing his beautiful physique with a blouse like a shirt showing off his chest. Bo Peep is again the adult version and I am sexy hot. Even with the fluffy gown, I can feel Matt’s hardness pressing against me, when we dance. Finally, at 10:30 at the Blue Swan, the Stripper begins to play for any of us transforming from one costume to another.

I have recently lost some more weight that I’ve been hiding to reveal tonight. My hips are filling out, though my waist has shrunk. My legs have lost an inch and a half around my thighs. While my breasts have continued to grow and I am showing off my breasts overflowing a tight C-cup bra without being indecent.

They show nicely through a special black and white bodysuit designed to show me off as a Cat. I and most people think I am looking very good, a beautiful feline cat. My glass shoes and toenails painted red to make my feet and toes look realistically like a cat on its toes with claws showing.

Matt looks at my puffy pussy and I anticipate he will be very happy. Instead, he’s turning beet red. He’s angrier than embarrassed I can tell. I ask, “What’s the problem?”

He says, “I thought you were to be a horny Tomcat.” I begin to cry as he says, “You are a disappointment.”

Tonight I did not leave and I quickly shut down my tears. Randy plays up to Matthias while I turn cold to Ginger. I dance some with Matthias, once with Randy as well as a couple of times with Ginger. Dancing with them has begun to feel dirty to me. I am wanting Matthias exclusively. Our appearance to others is that we’re having a good time.

I did have fun visiting with other friends especially my friends Jenn and Clara.

When we get home Matthias drops me there and says he’s heading for the carriage house. He does call once he’s there, saying he already misses me. I drive in the morning to Philly and we going to a Halloween celebration at a place there. My Little Bo Peep costume is enough for there. Matthias and I kiss and makeup, but it still feels unsettled.

It is good making out with Mathias so I guess it doesn’t matter that I see me as a woman and he sees me as a feminine man. We have fun making up as usual. He asks me, “Jeanne is it alright to call you Jean when I want?”

I am positioned below him with his eyes looking into mine. This is a beautiful picture burned into my mind. It is a passionate kiss with both of us trying to swallow, sucking in the tongue of the other. Our passion runs deep.

After I am dressed as Bo Peep, Mathias comes behind me and has his way one more time. The warm cream inside of me feels good. A light panty shield will stop any mess.

It is okay with me that he’s calling me Jean most of the night. Lola is the one who remarks, “Matthias says, you are going to wear a long pant skirt when you two marry in the spring. I thought you said you already had some gowns you’re looking at. When did you change your mind?”

I like telling her, “I have thought about it, but I’m still leaning towards one of the beautiful gowns I’ve seen. My Mom says, she or my Dad will escort me down the aisle.”

Seemingly Mathias even said it was possibly being here. I am a more than a little upset that Mathias might be talking about us, apart from me. I hope I’m wrong.

It’s near the witching hour of midnight and Matthias turns to me with a set of vampire’s teeth, saying, “Bite me.”

I joke saying, “I think you have that turned around, you should be biting me.”

Mathias is saying, “I’m big and hard; you don’t have to bite me, but I want you to take me one way or another.” He lifts up the skirt of the tablecloth. I look under the table and he is pressing against his trousers.

I say, “If you’re meaning here now, there better be a dark corner available.” There are plenty of them here; side tables with poor lighting and glass bead curtains. We find an area meeting our needs and I escort Matthias to the lair. The high bar table makes it easier to go under and undo his trousers and pull them partly down.

I giggle as he springs out like a soldier waiting for an order. My eyes look up to Mathias as my lips kiss his head. I move to wet his shaft and tongue and kiss his head again. Holding his rod I kiss and swallow his head. I can feel his veins throbbing. I am down and upon him. And hear him whispering, “Can you swallow me?” It is hard to do in this position, but I strain his rod in position to make it possible.

I begin to take more of him in, he’s now at the back of my throat. My gag reflux strains to relax and I’m breathing through my nose. I want so badly as Jeanne to please him. It takes a second effort but he’s now slipping down my throat. I pull back a little but I don’t want to lose having him down that far. I know he’s getting even more excited as he continues to swell inside of me. Finally, I need to pull out and catch my breath before I can start again.

I look up, he’s only casually smiling; I take a deep breath and begin again. I hear a sigh of relief as I’m taking him in. I take time to increase his pleasure by sucking and teasing him. He is close to exploding when I focus on taking him deeper into my throat. I am planning to ride him. Taking some of him deep in my throat and to continue swallowing the best I can. I pull him out and fill myself with his warm goo. He begins to explode and groan as he does. It takes until his head is up in my mouth that I get the taste of his buttery cream filling me. I swallow and continue to do so as he continues to gush more and more. I am good and do not let much ooze. I have fun sucking and getting him to release as much as possible.

Matt has asked me to stop, but I love the loud groaning he is doing. I am sure someone must here us. I know it’s Marv who says, “Oh baby quit moaning and just enjoy what she’s doing.”

I reach into his pocket for his handkerchief, using it to wipe the little I am unable to swallow. Coming back out from under the table, I feel a cold, uninvited hand touch my ass. I turn around confirming who I thought was doing it. It is my strong slap that hits Mack fully across the face. Then I push him away, saying, “You better get out of here before I scratch the living s… out of you!”

Mack steps back, “I was just going to say you make a better sweet boy than I thought.”

Matt is zipping himself up before standing. “Get away from here Mack. It’s been through with us for more than a year. Jean is my love.”

Mack mutters and whispers as he walks away, though it is painstakingly slow for my liking. But his words remind me about what I heard earlier. I sit and cuddle with Matthias. And we’re good until Matt asks, “What’s bothering you? It’s been a great evening.” I try to be quiet and enjoy being together. Entertainment has begun, but Matt asks again about what is bothering me. I guess my hurt feelings are more obvious than I realize. Matt pulls back and takes hold of my hands.

I tell him, “Matthias, someone told me that you told them I’m wearing slacks like a skirt and the wedding is to be here.”

Matthias takes an added breath, “I might have said, we’re talking about it. Don’t take it seriously; it’s between you and me not them.”

“How could you Matt; we haven’t talked about it. It’s not their damn business. You know it is to be at your folks' place outside. I have already begun looking at wedding gowns, you know that. If that were to change you should have been talking to me first. Your mother, sister and I have already started making plans.”

Matthias says, “You’re beautiful Jean and you know I love you. A wedding gown only shows you as a woman. You look beautiful but I also love you as a man.”

I am upset and standing with my hands on my hips. “You also talked about me having a baby. Do you expect Jean to do that? I am happy to be Jean for you, but…”

I search my purse for car keys, “I will be waiting near the door, I want to go home.”

Matt says, “Take the car, we both have a lot to think about.”

My eyes are tearful as I move near the entrance; I need to wait before leaving. I’m praying Matthias comes before I leave. I waited and once saw him but he turned around. The drive to the coach house feels terribly lonely.

I need to talk to someone, but who? It’s between my sister Sheila or Jenn, Jennifer Jones. I text both asking “If you can talk, please call me, I need a shoulder to cry on.”

It is Jenn who texts first, “I will call you in ten minutes.” Sheila calls and begins talking. Hearing Jenn is going to call me back she says, “I’ll see you in an hour and a half.” She’s hung up on me before I could try to talk her out of it.

Jenn calls me and we spend the next hour talking, mostly me talking. She is a good listener and her encouragement is good. The bell for the gate for the coach house buzzes, I press and tell Sis to come in. Jenn says, “Good your sister is there. I would have come if needed. Maybe tomorrow I will come.”

Sheila comes in and I begin relating what happened again. I’m not thinking neither of them might like hearing this coming from a GT couple. I did not include everything when I spoke, thankfully. I find myself in my Sis’s arms; her shoulder and top are soon wet from my crying. “I am so angry with him Sheila, but I love him and don’t want to lose him.”

Sheila says, “I don’t think you’re going to lose him, but you two do need to talk this out, maybe with a counselor.”

“And who does a couple like us turn to for counseling,” I ask?

“A good counselor worth their salt. They’ll tell you if they can do it or not.”

The sun is up and we’re too filled with caffeine to sleep. The phone rings, “I see your lights are still on, they’ve been on all night... Matthias has already called me. You and your sister or friend should come up to the big house so we can talk.”

I know I can’t, won’t sleep. I’m ready to cry when Sheila takes the phone. “Let me push her into the shower and change and we’ll be up. Is he going to be here?” It used to be that would take me five to ten minutes to get ready, now it’s well over half an hour.

Ruth is up and dressed, Becky is home and wrapped in a fluffy robe. Her husband Richard Hamilton is sleeping in. Mom Strass has pastry waiting for us and the cook if we desire will make more.

We take most of the morning talking, Mom Strass won’t say much about Matthias, except he’s foolish but it’s his decision and he’ll take his time. “If it’s going to work out and I think it will. Both of you may need to have some restless nights to realize what you have.”

I say, “But for me too?”

She says and Becky and Sheila are affirming her, “You need to realize like him what you have. What you’re willing to do. You know there will be times like this that it might not be easy again.”

Sheila asks, “If you have too, will you go back to being Jean?”

I don’t answer quickly, though I already know part of the answer. If I have to go on without Matthias that would be terrible. My heart would be broken for a long time. But, I would continue as Jeanne, possibly fulltime. I am no longer Jean, except for Matthias.

It is over two weeks and I’m at our apartment in York. I spend time working for Ruth, Becky and me. I haven’t but I might need to have Jenn, my friend, take time off to look for another job.

I am missing Matthias terribly. And when I go to the Blue Swan I know others are torn between Matt and me. Some have said they’re going to be his friend as well as mine. Some won’t say how he’s going and other times they say he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.

I’m at the Blue Swan the following Wednesday when Matthias come through the door. This time instead of walking out, he sits at the bar away from me. We do see each other eye to eye. I walk over near him and sit down sipping my wine, but it’s empty.

Matthias tells, “Joc give her another glass of wine and pour one for me.” Joc pours the glasses and Matthias takes them. “Let’s go over here and sit.” He sets my glass across from him not next to him as usual.

Before I will sit and talk, I give Matthias a big hug holding him next to me. And I give him a not so big kiss on the cheek. We talk and obviously, he’s missing me like I’m missing him. He says, “I told my Mom there’s no one like you. I’ll be honest I’ve kissed and been with a guy. But I realized, I am not like I was.” We continue to talk and I have shared that I can’t go back to just being a guy. “I doubt, I’m going to find anyone else. I’ll probably die an old maid.” We both halfheartedly laugh.

We agree that we still need some time apart and counseling. Matt wants to dance, I do too, but I’m afraid I won’t let go. We kiss and dance and sure enough, I ride with Matthias back to our house. I change and I’m saying I shouldn’t all the way into bed and after we’re there. I am smothering him with kisses and once my right leg wraps around him the evening has been decided.

It is 9:00 a.m. when I push myself out of the bed to answer my phone. Jenn speaks, “Would you know where Matthias is? He’s to meet with his father before they meet with RayCo at noon.”

I hand my phone to Matthias and soon he’s saying, “I have more important business here. If he really needs me I could be there by three, not before.”

I have two estrogen tablets on my tongue as I’m sitting next to him in bed. Matthias says, “Drink them down. You know you don’t want to stop.”

It is three hours later and Ma Strass calls. “Your Father says, he’ll need your signature as it’s your division who’s making the contract… How are you doing there?”

He says, “Neither of us can live without the other and I don’t want to.”

“Why don’t you bring her back with you? I have Joey and Lynn all day, and until tomorrow I could use her help.”

We have made out enough that I know I’ll be sore, but I’m up and packing. Matthias, you take the first shower. I’ll need to do my hair and makeup when I finish my shower.”

I had already found a counselor in York. And she will be mine if we both don’t see her together.

I have out my long sequin dress wrapped in clear plastic dress bag. Mathias asks, “Does that mean I’m taking you out tonight?”

“No, you can decide if it’ll be tomorrow or Saturday night at Caulley’s.”

He says, “Getting in Caulley’s with short notice can be hard if not impossible.”

I smile, “It might cost you, but I’m sure if we pay enough. We can get a good table one night or the other.” I have a pair of lace leggings to go with the gown that Matthias will enjoy talking me out of at the end of the evening.

I call back to Dr. Denise Loggins on our way to Philadelphia and schedule our first counseling session on the way. We are not home free, but we are in agreement we love each other enough to make it work.

Mathias and I talk; one being gay and the other being a transwoman is different. I guess once upon a time I would have seen being gay, a crossdresser or Trans as the same. Even two gay people aren’t the same.

Jenn and I are close friends and once we wondered about the other but neither of us was in love with each other. I guess the Halloween Engagement has fooled everyone. But I’m glad I had the time to realize what we have and the work it will take.