In which Aunt Rachel tells all and then some and where Bill hears about it from his wife and daughter. In which he looks for more memories
Who Was I
By: Annette MacGregor
"WHAT? Are you saying this went on for that long and nobody knew?"
"Ummm"
"DAD. Someone knew didn't they?"
"Uhuh."

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Part 22   Sunday afternoon (12-Nov-06)

Last time, Bill had just told his Aunt Rachel about the dream with the two of them and responded with.

"Well young man..." stated Aunt Rachel

---

"Well young man that was some dream you had. The stranger thing is that everything actually happened just the way you described them. Well, I can't speak for what you were feeling before I opened the door on you, but you certainly appeared happy enough until I suggested we go see your parents. And, no, we didn't leave the room that day."

I looked up at that. "That day?"

"Why yes dear boy. That was only the first of many. Well, the first I was aware of. Though, to be honest, I suspected at the time that you'd tried that dress on a time or two before at least. I remember, like it was yesterday, when I did that quick hem. The bottom of the dress was a bit dirty from walking if I were to guess." I sat there stunned. Not only was the dream true, it wasn't an isolated event.

"Aunt Rachel, was Bill the sister you occasionally alluded to over the years?"

"Yes Rebecca. I had wondered what had happened to the happy child Les had been. As Bill, he became a much more serious boy. So, I said that as a hint, to see if he would ask or talk to me about it. I'd about given up on you young man. Having a dream prompt the trip is not what I expected. Why didn't you come sooner, and why did you change?"

"I don't know on the latter Aunt Rachel. And as far as the first, I had no idea what you were talking about when you mentioned a sister. There are no pictures of a sister in my mom's photo albums. I'm afraid I put it off as a slip of the tongue by an older person."

"I'll have you know..." She started. "Wait, you said you had no idea? How could that be? We were playing those games for a few years." I don't know about Becky, but my head popped up at that.

"Years? When did that dream happen?"

"Let's see, it must have been the summer of '64. Yes, that's it, because it was the summer after Kennedy was assassinated."

"That would have been before First Grade. Was this only in the summer's Aunt Rachel?

"Goodness no. After that first summer, it seemed every holiday we were both at my brother's house you wanted to play. It became a game to see what we could do. Now, I want you to know one thing. If it had gone on another year, I would have had to tell your parents. I almost did several times over the years. But, you begged me not to, and I couldn't see the harm for a kid to see how others lived."

"Wow. I think I agree with that. Though, I think I'd like to know if my son or daughter were doing this, even with a close friend or relative." Becky interposed. "I mean, if Bill had been caught, he would have had a very embarrassing experience that might have scarred him. I don't think his parents would have been that bad there in the house. Wait, you took him out too didn't you?"

"Well, of course. In the summers, he was staying there and I was taking care of him sort of as a summer camp. A growing child needs to get out." I was getting hit with one thing after another here.

"Aunt Rachel, did I ever go out as a boy after that?"

"What, oh, yes, of course. That's why I came up with the fiction of your sister. When you went out as a boy, you were Les, and as a girl, you were Lee. You thought that was ever so much fun. We did spend most of our time around the house, and in the evenings when your grandparents were home, you were always Les. But, we went to the zoo, and shopping and lots of things."

"So nobody ever knew about this except you and me?"

"Well, not until that last summer." I heard Becky's indrawn breath, and I know I was a bit tense.

"What happened then?" Maybe this was the trauma that made me forget everything.

"That's the summer you were finally able to get your two friends to join you at your grandmother's house. It was a few months after my brother had passed away, and apparently you and your friends were so inseparable that they felt sending you somewhere together would be the best. I volunteered, because I enjoyed seeing you so much, and it gave me something to do with myself."

"So, I and two girls came and spent the summer with you? Were we okay, and how did they find out?"

"Oh, you three were perfect angels. And, as to finding out there was nothing to find out. They were clamoring to see you dressed up more even than you were to get changed. My only guess was that you'd told them. We did have a very good summer. If memory serves, you were only Les once the entire summer, except when your grandmother was home, or the times I took the three of you to the public pool. You were even Lee when we went out to the lake."

"Wait, the lake? That must be the lake we went swimming as a family every summer until Grandma died too."

"Probably. It was really nice for swimming. It had a nice floating dock with a diving board a ways out from the shore.

"That's the one. I remember my brother and me swimming all the way across a few times."

"We used to as children as well Leslie, but I didn't let the three of you go beyond the doc and board. You were just not that strong as swimmers yet. But, you were fine staying together."

"So, there weren't any problems that summer?" It was beginning to sound as if my hope for finding a traumatic even were dieing."

"No, well, unless you count saying good bye when you three had to go home and get ready for school. You were all taking about doing it again the next summer; it was like three little magpies planning. I knew then that I'd have to tell your folks if it kept up, and there was no indication that things would be any different the next summer. So, I resolved to tell them at Thanksgiving. But when Thanksgiving came, you seemed different. Grown up isn’t' the right word but distant anyway. You never came to play the game. So I figured you'd somehow out grown it. You also didn't talk about the girls at all. Since it stopped, I didn't mention it to your parents that trip. And, by Christmas you were only answering to Bill." She took a breath, and sat for a moment. "That's why every now and again over the years I've made references to your sister. To see if you'd ever explain to me what happened to her."

"Aunt Rachel, I don't know. I don't remember ANY of this stuff you're telling me." She looked saddened to hear this.

"To loose so many happy years of your life. Well, did you at least keep in touch with those two lovely ladies?" At my look, she continued. "You forgot them too didn't you Bill?" At my nod, she asked. "How much did you forget?"

"Aunt Rachel, almost all of it. My memories before fifth grade are few, and very far between. I don't recall people or places. I look at my mom's photo album, and I see things I don't know." I took a breath. This trip, is a partially in hope of jarring a few missing memories loose. I'm also seeing a therapist who may be able to help me find out what blocked off all these memories. You've at least given me a smaller window of time where this would likely have happened. Thank you for telling me all of this, I think."

She laughed at this last bit, and then we went on to discuss things of little import.

# - # - # - # - #

On the way home

"That was fascinating Bill!"

"I don't know if I'd use that term for it. But, and we have no reason to doubt her."

"I wish she'd taken pictures. I'd have loved to see them."

"I guess. I'm more concerned about what she said about me changing. It sounds like I was not the same person back then. How did it change so suddenly?"

"I think we're getting closer Bill. And, it sound to me like you're much the same person Aunt Rachel described. You're fun, and fun to be around. At most you spend more time analyzing things than most people. In any event, I don't see you as overly serious. I wonder what your friends Stacy & Karen will have to say about it."

"Thanks Becky. I think I need to hear that. I'm a little concerned and confused right about now."

"We'll get through this Bill. I feel we're getting closer all the time. I bet we're laughing about these memories twenty years from now! Though, we may not tell our grandkids about all of it if you don't want." I could hear the joking in her voice and it lightened the load I was feeling about then.

"Right and they'll believe their grandpa used to run around in dresses. No, don't push it now! If she says I did, I'll accept that for now."

"Bill, I think you should ask Dr. Wong about the selective memories as well."

"Selective memories?"

"You know, like forgetting all the times you and your friends must have interacted throughout school."

"Oh, yea. Maybe that's a good idea, since we're talking memories there."

# - # - # - # - #

Monday morning

"Thanks again for helping Ruth."

"Enough Dad. By the way, what did Aunt Rachel have to say about the dream?" I was quit at that. "Dad?"

"Umm. She confirmed everything the way I dreamed it."

"So, you didn't have a sister?"

"No. Wait, how'd you get that?"

She laughed “Well, I'm guessing you were your own sister, and that grandma and grandpa never knew. Otherwise they'd have had a picture or said something, at least once over the years."

"Kid, you're too smart for your own good sometimes."

She laughed out load at that. "Okay dad. How many times did she help you cross dress?"

"What makes you think she did?"

"Dad, if it were just the once, you'd not be beating around the bush so much. Come on, come clean."

I sighed. "Okay. About four years."

"WHAT? Are you saying this went on for that long and nobody knew?"

"Ummm"

"DAD. Someone knew didn't they?"

"Uhuh."

"Come on dad. This playing interrogator is getting old. I actually need to know, in case it comes up in one of these sessions. I don't need to be interrupting something real, because I don't believe it. Nor do I need to be shocked and maybe react."

She had a point there. "Okay, Apparently I spent summers with Aunt Rachel at my grandparent’s house, rather than going to summer school. The summer before fourth grade was the last of those, and two friends stayed as well. I was apparently dressing all of those summers when it was just me and Aunt Rachel. Aunt Rachel said that my two friends already knew about it and were part of the dressing that last summer. That was the end of it though. She said by Thanksgiving I apparently gave it up and never mentioned it again. Well, until yesterday. And the hints about a sister were her way to ask if I wanted to talk about it."

"Wow dad. That's amazing. It probably tells us that your dressing had nothing to do with the memory loss. And, I'm hypothesizing that the event occurred some time before Thanksgiving. I bet you stopped ‘cause you didn't remember it!"

"Enough speculating young lady! We're here now."

After we got up there, Dr. Wong was waiting. "Hello Mr. Wyman, Miss Wyman is there anything we need to discuss before heading back?"

"Actually, I guess so." She looked at me, I guess seeing something there.

"Well, why don't we use the sitting room? Should you daughter be involved in this as well?"

"Probably she should. She knows most of it and can prompt me if I'm leaving something out." I went through my dream, and confirmation of the dream. I mentioned the time frame window as well. At Ruth's prompting, I also mentioned the bits of selective missing memory. Dr. Wong looked surprised and concerned about that piece.

"Mr. Wyman, that's actually disturbing. It's part of a pattern that I hope we can break. It'll take a number of sessions to find it anyway. Perhaps something will come up that we can use to disprove us of that."

"What Dr. Wong?"

"I'm sorry. I'd prefer to not tell you right now, as it might be self fulfilling. No, that's not a good term. It's more that it's very unlikely and I'd rather look to find something more likely to meet what we know. And while I'll check the literature, we may also be able to find the answers tucked away in the corners of your brain."

"Oh okay. What do we do today?"

"Excuse me; mom suggested trying to find out about the event behind your teacher's 3rd grade picture dad."

"Fine by me." I pulled out my notebook where I had a print of the picture. "Dr. Wong, this is what she's referring to. I met my third grade teacher last Thursday. She recalled me, and showed me this picture she'd drawn of me and two friends."

"Well, it's an interesting target. Are you able to confirm what we learn from this?"

"Maybe, Becky's looking for them, and if we find something today and they're willing to talk after we find them, we may be able to confirm it with them."

"Okay then. Anything before we go?" When neither of us said anything, we headed to THE ROOM, as I was beginning to think of it. We all took our usual positions and I relaxed. "You're walking through the woods toward your peaceful glade."

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To Be Continued… Did Bill actually live as a girl as much as his Aunt Rachel said? What happened to change things? Will Becky be able to contact the two classmates? What will they remember and will they even be willing to talk? Was the memory behind the picture as innocent as the picture made it look?
 
Author’s Note: Thanks for all of your comments! They really help me, and encourage me to keep going on this story.