CHAPTER 53
Alec didn’t bat an eyelid when I walked in. One small remark, that was it.

“I was wondering how long it would take you”

He was, if anything, looking shabbier than he had before Christmas, and I had to ask myself how he had managed during the holiday period. That was a time that had always hit Mam hard, and I could tell Alec was no different. He made a short note, then looked up as I took my seat.

“How far out are you now, Jill? Work?”

“No, not yet. That is one I will have to think about, and, no, I have done nothing with the banks and stuff, my name, all that. Just…looks like Larinda is accepting me this way, and I‘ve had the last week and a bit to get out and around, like. Starting to feel more normal than, well, ‘;normal’, if you see what I mean”

“Seeing what you mean is what I get paid for”

Was that a joke? Perhaps there was a little life left in him after all. He continued with a few soft questions about the season’s events, and when I described the snogging session he almost smiled..

“A man, Jill? Why would that be?”

“I tried to explain that to the others, my friends, like, but I suppose it all came down to just being a woman on a night out”

“Validation? Having a man fancying you, makes you feel more real?”

I thought about that one for a few seconds. “No, Alec. I don’t really think so. What I am is in me, it’s what I’ve always known, aye? What I am wearing, they aren’t clothes to make me feel more girly, they are things to give a clue to other people. I am still me whatever I wear. That kissing, that man, that’s just what women do, Look…all I can say is that you have actions and reactions, like, and if we say that an action is done to get a result, while a reaction is done because of what you are, then it was all reaction, aye? Not making an active choice to show how female I am, just doing what comes naturally”

He was nodding at that, making his little notes.

“You know what must come next, Jill, don’t you?”

“The real life test? Yes”

“I always prefer the term ‘experience’ rather than ‘test’. It gives a better description of how I see the whole thing. It’s one thing dipping your toe into the water, but the whole thing is a different stripe of lobster. Gives you the chance to back out before, you know”

I looked at Alec in a little surprise at that. He wasn’t normally quite so forthcoming with the humour and flippant remarks, and with what I knew of his background…some time later, as our session came to its end, I had to find out.

“Alec, can I ask you a question?”

“What about?”

“It’s…well, Larinda, my partner, she works with Lee, so…”

“Ah. What do you want to ask me, Jill? Oh”

He smiled ruefully. “I see what you are wondering. This physician can’t heal himself, but he knows a pharmacist who can help. I started on happy pills last week, low dose, just enough to…just enough to let me sleep a little. I know what your experience of them was, but I still have to work”

He started to laugh. ”I don’t know how ethical it is, but I am seeing Sally when I ‘m not seeing my own patients. Odd thing: I think it gives me more empathy”

He looked away through the window for a few long seconds, and then turned back to me.

“Decision time, Jill. We have bounced round this from all angles, and it was clear to me from very early that you more than tick the boxes. Now, once again unethically or not, and I don’t really care for meaningless rules, I have a proposal for you. Firstly, we need some decent blood work done on you, and then I shall write a report for your GP. The next question is a formal one. I can refer you to the GID clinic at Charing Cross today, if you want me to”

I thought about that one for a couple of minutes, and Alec just waited quietly.

“Alec, can I please confirm that one with Larinda? It’s not just me, aye?”

There was genuine warmth in his smile then. “I would have expected nothing less of the woman I have come to know”

Shit. Tears, tissues…I had to ask.

“And this woman…once you do that thing, does that mean you stop being my whatsit, my doctor?”

“Sort of”

“Then please, if you have the time, we would like to have you round for dinner, aye?”

Again, that wistful smile. “Not likely to be good company just now, Ms Carter”

“Let us be the judge of that. We’ll probably have a couple of other friends about, and none of us is actually free from our own problems, like. Just one thing…”

“Yes?”

“No bloody cardigans or holey elbows, aye?”

The laugh was rather stronger that time. “Jill Carter, you are such a bloody woman!”

I grinned back. “Funnily enough, that was exactly what I have always wanted to hear. But if you are worth your salt, you already knew that. That your formal diagnosis, then?”

“How is it you would put it? Bugger a hell, aye”

I hugged him. He didn’t mind.

That night, wrapped in my lover, I talked it through, and I could tell the pain was rising in her, but she was straightforward in her answers even though her body seemed to have reservations.

“It’s a simple choice, lover, isn’t it? I either have the girl I love, alive and well, and in our bed, or the man I love goes into a hole in the ground. That’s about it, isn’t it?”

I snuggled into her breasts. “You make it sound like blackmail, love”

“Not meant that way, not at all. Just, facts, yeah, got to face them. There ain’t really no choice, yeah? So…if that’s going, let’s see if I can’t do it by bloody erosion. Roll over…”

A few days later, I rang home.

“Mam…I’ve got the go ahead to see the proper clinic up that London, aye?”

“Aye; you happy about that?”

“I think you know the answer to that one”

“Well…then you do what you have to do and I will be there, aye? But, Gillian Carter, there is one thing I would like”

“Aye?”

“I would like to see a picture of my daughter. Mothers do, it sort of goes with the job, like”

I smiled down the phone, as if she could see. “Aye, old woman, I’ll get Larinda to take some shots and mail them to you”

“Less of the old woman, young woman! Want a word with your brother? He’s beside us now”

“Aye, gan on”

“How, Jill?”

“Hiya Nelly. Mam passed you the word?”

“Wrote it down for us as you spoke, aye. What does all this add up to?”

“Well, Alec sends us to a blood doctor, for some more checks, like, and then I go and see the specialists up in London. They do their bit, I get a second opinion from another one, and then I am off on the RLE”

“Pardon?”

“Real life experience. At least a year living full time, then we see if I want to go for, you know”

“Nip and tuck?”

“Aye, basically. Some of us never go for that. Enough to be seen as what they are, like”

“And you?”

“Ach shite, Neil, I really don’t know. If I was on my own, like, it would be a no-brainer, I’ve never wanted those bits, but with Larinda, aye? Not an easy one. We’ll just have to see how we go, is all I can say. Look…what are you up to in a fortnight? Fancy paying us a visit?”

“That Will be there?”

“Ah!”

“Don’t be so daft, he’s far too young for me. I just feel…I feel a bit like an uncle with him, aye, or mebbes an older brother. Just be nice to help him avoid some of the crap that’s waiting for him, and if he’s coming up here in the Autumn, then I want to know him a bit better beforehand, like”

“I’ll let him know, kid. As long as he can make an excuse for his mam, that is”

“Fine. I’ll look at train times, aye? Here’s your Mam back”

“Gillian Carter, you invite your brother down and you don’t ask me? I think some priorities need addressing, aye?”

That warmed me. All the time I had been in the South, she had never visited me. Partly it was because of the distance, and then Dad’s health began to fail, and then it was her health as my excuse and my slow suicide as the real reason.

“Nelly to carry all your bags then?”

“Er…”

What was she hesitating for? “Er…Raafie will help with them”

“Norma Carter, you naughty girl!”

“Whey, neither of us is getting any younger, like, and, well, he’s a canny man and…”

Her voice trailed off for a second or two. “And he has a lot of your Dad in him, and about him, like, and I’ve been very lonely since…”

Neil came on the line again. “Give her a minute, lass. Now, I suppose you’d want Jim down too? He’s pining already”

I smiled. My little dinner party was getting out of hand. “Look, I’ll ask Rachel, aye, but I think we know the answer. With all of this lot coming down, I think we’ll have to eat out, and I’m going to have to think about sleeping arrangements, aye? You got any others to add?”

He laughed. “A bit daft, mebbes, but how about Jim’s brother?”

I returned the laughter. “Look, why not just put up a poster in the Nev and invite the lot?”

“No. This is a celebration, aye, almost a birthday. Birthdays should have enough people to make it special but those that come should be close enough to keep it that way. Now, I’m going to take a little old lady–OW!---and make her a cuppa, aye? Let us know when you want us down”

“Will do. Love you…”

“And we love you too, just try remembering that next time you feel stupid”

I hung up, and then dialled another number. Answering machine.

“Alec, it’s Jill Carter. About that meal…”