CHAPTER 26
That had been a hard one. Alec was clearly switched on, which I had expected, but it had come almost as a shock to realise how much he actually cared. I had expected the usual NHS assembly line treatment, where all the right things are said from a mask of compassion put on for each patient in turn, but he had made me realise how lucky I really was.

Rachel, Larinda, Alec…each of them had their own darkness, their own ghosts haunting the shadows of their memory, and there I was reflecting them. Alec had used the word ‘tells’, and they were there, in his own face, when he spoke of the poor dead girl.

He cared, Karen and Rachel cared, Larinda cared; how could I really go wrong? And Mam, Neil…I had been on a roller-coaster, I realised, up, down, up, but always, in the end, down, and for the first time it was looking as if I could step off.

I caught my reflection in a shop window as I paused at some lights, and there it was: ugly. For a moment, I almost slipped back into my rut, and then I forced myself to look around, at the pedestrians clogging the footpath or crossing at the lights. That old lady; her beard was almost as thick as mine; that munter eating the burger as she walked, she was fatter than me, surely?

Alec had given me a bundle of forms and leaflets to go with the stuff I had been posted, and there were support groups, forums, all sorts of shit that made it clear how unalone I actually was, but then I had never actually been alone, not once I accepted that there were real people out there who had real feelings, that really cared.

I was actually singing as I went in the front door, but as it was ‘Born to Go’ and my voice is crap it was nothing for public consumption, and there was Larinda, sitting on the sofa.

“Somebody’s happy! ‘We were born to go, as far as we can fly’, yeah? Tell, go on!”

“Ach, not a huge story, but he was very, very nice”

She gave me a Paddington stare.

“Now, you aren’t going straight, are you?”

“No, I mean he was just, you know, someone who obviously wasn’t doing it by the numbers, aye? Really seemed to care, round peg, round hole, like”

That was when her comment sank in.

“You said ‘straight’, love…”

She looked away, mouth working as she sought the words she needed. It took a while, but I waited, as I had to.

“Rob…Jill, it’s hard, yeah? We’ve had all the chats, we’ve tried the games, the dressing up, and I have been struggling to get my head clear on all this shit, but…look, you’ve come in here, you are singing some shit song I’ve never heard before, and you are happy, bouncing, yeah? And I can see it, REALLY see it, it’s like the first time. Even with you dressed like that, I can see YOU, and it’s what I saw that first meeting, at work…shit, you know, when I thought you were gay?”

“I remember…”

“But it’s different this time. Jill, I can see you, right through the mask, yeah? And…oh fuck, I can see this woman, and I still love her, yeah? How bloody weird is that?”

I stared for an instant, as she cocked her head to one side.

“Jill…this is the bit where we snog, yeah? It’s sort of traditional”

It was different, somehow, tentative, slow, as our lips met, and retreated, and she looked me in the eye just for an instant, as she pulled back.

“I have no fucking idea how to handle this, but I love you, whichever you it turns out to be, and…oh shit, just kiss me, yeah?”

So I did, which was when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Rob? It’s William”

Von’s eldest. “This is a surprise…”

“Yeah, sorry, Mam won’t be happy, so don’t tell her, yeah? It’s…look, is it true what she said? That you are, you know, queer?”

I had wondered what Von would tell her family, but after her Dad’s text I had simply assumed it would be something about kiddy fiddling.

“What did she tell you, son?”

There was a long pause at the other end, and I used it to write down who it was, for Larinda’s benefit.

“She said…she said that you were a homosexual, who liked little boys”

Bang on the money, then. “Ah, shit–sorry, Will. Look, there’s no easy way of doing this, yeah, but life can be complicated. Here’s your exam question, and it’s the same sort of joke thing I have used on other people, aye? What does it mean if I say that yes, I am absolutely gay, but add that it means I fancy only women?”

“Then…but…oh, Rob, shit, you really have it bad. Fuck”

“William…”

“Sorry, Rob, but I am seventeen, and, well, shit!”

“Will…what is it that you wanted? I am not trying to get rid of you, like, just puzzled that you are calling me. I assume that Von doesn’t know”

“No, Rob, she’d kill me. Oh hell, she’d kill me anyway, if she knew…look, I just needed someone to talk to, and after what she said, look, you’ve always talked straight to me, about everything, not like Dad, yeah?”

Oh hell indeed. “Are you trying to tell me you are gay yourself, Will?”

I made the question as soft as I could, and Larinda started up from beside me. At the other end, I heard a catch in his throat, and when he spoke again he was clearly in tears.

“Yes…”

“Where are you now?”

“I am out in Portsmouth, bunked off college for the day. Just too much shit, yeah?”

“I can understand, son. Look…want to meet up at Gun Wharf? Don’t know what time the trains get in”

Larinda mouthed ‘got my car’ and the decision was made.

“See you as soon as I get down, yeah? Have a coffee, have a chat, see what we can sort out, aye? Just remember one thing, Will: whatever anyone says, all you are is a normal human being. No Satan, no evil, no perversion, just a boy…I love as a son, yeah? Now clean up, and I’ll be there as quick as I can”

The tears were there, still.

“What am I going to do, Rob?”

“Talk to me, that’s all, and then we will find a way, OK?”

“OK. See you in a bit, then”

“Mexican food?”

“Fuck, yeah!”

“That’s better, Will, but a bit less on the language front would probably ease things along. Laters!”

Did I just say ‘laters’? Larinda had spotted it, and she was giggling.

“See how I grow on people? Get right under the skin, just like a verruca”

She dropped her grin. “Seventeen, and trying to come out? Poor little sod. Scuppers my chances of seducing you, doesn’t it?”

“Laters…?”

And the grin flashed on once more. “Bloody hell, aye! Look, sort out what you need, and we’ll get on the road”

It took over an hour to get down to Pompey, but I took her down the Arun valley once more, to get away from the bustle of the A23 and the coast road, so it was only the stretch through the roundabouts by Chichester that held us up. William was waiting by the escalators for us, and I got a very searching look as he spotted Larinda.

“Will, this is Larinda. She sort of stepped in when my little problem blew up, and so far, she is doing a hell of a lot better than your Mam could, so, well, if it causes a problem…”

He shook his head. “Considering what Mam would say to me, well, no, not my business”

Larinda looked up at his six-foot-plus of height, grinned that grin, and just said “What a waste! Sure you’re gay?”

Will flashed me a hard look, and I shrugged.

“Larinda is very direct, Will”

She nodded. “And not at all someone to worry about, kid. My way of ice breaking. Look, just to mix up all the metawhatsits, I don’t sit around ignoring elephants in rooms, I go up and give them a poke. If Jill here says you are worth knowing, then that’s all I need”

“Jill? Oh, yeah, right. Jill…”

I needed to get things on track, before he ran out of time.

“Will, is there someone else involved?”

He blushed, and Larinda chuckled. “If there isn’t yet, he’s hoping”

My Paddington was met with a raised eyebrow.

“So it’s normal, innit? Will, I tease, yeah, I tease a lot, but what I try not to do is judge. As far as I am concerned, this is all normal, no nasty disease. Why would I be anti-gay? I mean, I wouldn’t have this one if she weren’t that way, yeah?”

He was shaking his head. “This is all too weird, you talking about…her as if she, he, arse, you know what I mean”

Larinda was more serious. “Sort of happened today, yeah. She comes back from the shrink’s, all happy, and it was the first time, I mean, I knew, she’d told me, and I was trying to get my head round it, like, but there she is, and suddenly I can SEE her, yeah? So it sort of fucks me up a bit, cause, well, I am straight, I don’t fancy women, and yet…there’s this one, and it’s not that I fancy her, it’s that I am in love with her, yeah, so that makes three of us who are a bit screwed. Well, not yet, but later, I hope”

Will had a hand up. “Too much information!”

That cheeky grin, once more, the grin I was in love with, that suddenly seemed to be making sense of my life.

“Whatever. Now, someone said Mexican? I want fajitas!”