---

 

---

Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-02. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

---

 
 
Chapter 9
 
 
I stood there for a moment not knowing what to say. Eventually I found my voice and spoke softly, "Yes Claire, it's me."

She looked puzzled, amazed, disconcerted, incredulous and various combinations of the above. "But what...? I mean you look... you sound... What's going on?"

I smiled, "Can I come in Claire?"

She half-frowned but then nodded, "Of course, come in and tell me what in heaven's name this is all about."

I set my suitcase down in her hallway, slipped off my coat hung it on a hook and made my way into her sitting room and plonked my tired body down on a comfy chair. Claire sat down opposite me but looked far from comfortable. She was sitting on the edge of her chair, her hands clasped together.

I took a deep breath, "Claire, I know this must look and sound strange to you." The raised eyebrow look she gave me confirmed this as a major understatement. I continued, "This isn't easy for me either. But as you can see, there have been some fairly major changes in my life recently. I mean, what do you think when you look at me?"

She looked at me without speaking for a moment and then replied slowly, "I see my brother looking and talking like a woman. What is going on Nick?"

I nodded slowly, "I don't know how to say this, but I think from what you see you can work out what I'm doing. I know this is hard for you to take in and I'm really sorry for springing it on you like this. I couldn't think of any other way to do it though."

She slowly shook her head and raised a hand to her eyes and rubbed them slowly, before fixing me in her gaze, "You're living as a woman." It was a statement. She shook her head again and spoke intently her voice rising in intensity, "You couldn't think of any other way of doing it? Nick, for heaven's sake didn't you think of talking to me? Didn't you think of mentioning this? Discussing it? I'm your sister. We don't live a million miles away, we do have telephones."

I shrugged awkwardly, "I know. You may be right, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about this on the phone." I paused for a moment, "If I had discussed this with you, what would you have said?"

She looked at me thoughtfully and spoke with honesty, "I'd probably have told you to catch yourself on and to think about what you were doing. I mean are you throwing your whole life away? On what? A whim? A fantasy? Nick I don't know why you are doing this."

I couldn't help but give an ironic little smile and my reply came with a little more forcefulness than I had intended, "Throwing my whole life away? And tell me what was so good about my life? What would you miss? What would I miss? Being a failure? Being the only one in the family not earning an honest living? Being a macho stud? Perhaps you didn't realise it Claire, but I didn't have much of a life. My life sucked!"

She came right back at me sardonically, "And what now? Are you happy? Does this make you feel whole or something?"

I paused. I nodded slowly and again spoke softly, "Yes. Yes Claire it does. You have no idea how I feel now. I know it sounds corny but it's as if someone has flipped the lights on. This is me. This is who I am. I wasn't sure at the start, but for a long time I've known I was looking for something more in life. I thought it was just waiting for my big break to come or something like that. But I've now realised even that would have been selling myself short. I can't pretend to fully understand, I don't expect you to understand at all really." I paused, "All I can hope for is that you will accept me and not turn me away."

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes. She looked away for a moment before turning back to me, "You're right. I don't understand and honestly I'm not sure I want to." She shook her head and narrowed her eyes, "I'm not going to turn you away, you're still my brother."

I don't think she realised what she just said until I gave a little smile and raised an eyebrow. She couldn't help it and she smiled and then stopped herself, "Nick! You know what I meant. You see how complicated this is? I mean have you thought of what others will think...oh goodness - Mum and Dad! What are they going to say? Have they any idea?"

I winced, "No, they have no idea. What do you think they will say?"

Claire shook her head and looked at me knowingly, "They're gonna flip."

I nodded and looked at the floor and murmured softly, "Yeah, you're probably right."

Claire continued softly, "It's not that they won't love you or something like that. But they're going to take something like this very hard. They'll think it's their fault - it'll hurt them, they'll think perhaps it reflects on how they brought you up or something."

I looked up and nodded, "I don't mean to hurt anyone Claire. But try and understand, I now realise that each day I was dying inside. I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. Life was drab, empty and pretty miserable. I didn't like who I was. Things are so different now. All that has changed. You wouldn't understand. You've always been so focussed and successful all the way."

Claire nodded, "It's not as if I don't have any problems Nick. You're not the only one who has ever had difficulties."

I raised my hands, "OK, I didn't mean it like that. But I'm just trying to make you see something of why I'm doing what I'm doing."

"That's fine, but I'm just trying to think out what the implications of your actions will be. Have you thought through the consequences? I mean what are you going to do for a living?"

I sighed, "Believe me, I've thought long and hard about what I'm doing. I've thought about the consequences. There hasn't been a day when I haven't thought about you and Mum and Dad. But I have to do this."

"And a job?" she prompted.

I grinned, "I've got on OK so far without a proper job."

She wouldn't be deflected, "Yes but you were telling me how miserable that was. Seriously have you thought about it?"

"Yes Claire, I've thought about it. I have a few plans, a few options. I'll see what works out." For some reason I didn't want to tell her about the recording contract just yet. I felt that she had to accept who I was first before I was prepared to tell her what I was going to do. It would be too much all at once.

It seemed to put her off that track, but she moved on, "Well what do other people think?"

I hesitated, "Well not that many people know."

She wrinkled her brow, "What do you mean? I doubt people could fail to notice the change in your appearance. Heavens above, I'm your sister and I could barely recognise you at first."

I shrugged, "I haven't told many people. Only a few people know."

Claire was not being put off this time, "Who?"

"Julie, her sister. My doctor."

Claire repeated, "Your doctor." She paused and made the connection, "You're taking hormones." A statement.

I gave her a weak smile. She shook her head slowly again and rubbed her eyes. She looked at me thoughtfully and spoke in a measured tone, "You're completely serious about this aren't you?"

I nodded and in an even tone replied, "Totally Claire. More serious about this than I have been about almost anything in my life."

"There's nothing I can say or do that is going to make you reconsider this is there?" I shook my head and she continued, "I guess that must be the case if you are thinking of telling Mum and Dad all this. But seriously, how come no-one else has noticed?"

I sighed, "You don't give up do you? For the last four weeks I have been down in Devon at Julie's family home. That's why no one else is really aware of it. That's where I well sort of changed to what you see now. This is sort of a secret, in that I don't want it being broadcast."

Claire rolled her eyes again, and half-sarcastically asked, "What you're going to start some new life or something and hope no one realises?"

I nodded, and softly said, "Yes something like that."

She gave a hollow laugh, "Oh come on Nick, how are you going to do that? Why? I mean why not be open about it?"

I sighed, "Look Claire, trust me on this. I've got it in hand. I'll explain more tomorrow. I'm sure I've given you enough to take in tonight already."

"You can say that again. So what part did Julie play in all this?"

I shrugged, "She's been a good help, a support."

Claire nodded and looked a little sceptical, "This isn't some sort of joke? Some sort of bet or dare or something stupid like that."

I was getting weary, I inclined my head and looked at Claire, "You might think I'm crazy with all this, but I am not stupid."

She nodded and raised her hands, "OK OK, I'm sorry. Just checking."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was too tired to try to think of anything else to say and just waited for her to speak again. Claire looked deep in thought and after a while she looked at me again. "What do you call yourself?"

I didn't quite know what she meant. Did she mean my name? Or was she talking about the terminology of what I was becoming? I didn't know how to answer the latter myself so I went with the former, "Umm, Cara Malone."

She wrinkled her forehead, "Cara Malone? Where did you get that from? Why on earth make up a totally new name?" My sister Claire wasn't stupid, far from it and after a brief pause she fixed me in her gaze, "Alright Nick or Cara or whatever you want to call yourself, what is going on here?"

I tried to act confused, "What do you mean? I've explained already."

She shook her head, "No. There's more. OK, so you want to be a woman - we've covered that ground. But there's something else - you are keeping this a secret, you have hardly told anyone and you've totally changed your name. Are you in some kind of trouble or something?"

I sighed. Even in our younger days I was never able to keep a secret from Claire. She was too clever and shrewd. She got the brains and I got the artistic talent I always reckoned. Claire had a little musical ability, but that was about the only area where I knew I surpassed my sister. "OK," I began slowly, "You're right. There is more to it. I'm not in trouble though. It all relates to what I'm going to do from here on." I paused. If I was going to have to tell her, I was at least going to keep her in suspense for a few moments more. It worked.

"Oh for goodness sake Nick, out with it!" she said impatiently.

I grinned, "OK. Well let's just say I've sort of got a record deal."

She blinked a few times and her expression clouded as she processed the information. She frowned a little and then began to think aloud, "You have a record deal. As a woman. So you don't want people to know you are really Nick Evans. Scandal, not good for business - well for an unknown anyway. So the secrecy and the name change." She nodded to herself satisfied that she now had the full story. She slowly shook her head, "OK, granted you look like a woman and talk like a woman - but how on earth are you going to manage to sing as a woman?"

I smiled at her, put my finger to my lips to silence her. Claire had a cheap electric piano in her living room. She liked to tinkle and potter around on it for relaxation. I went over to it and switched it on. After a few quick chords to get the feel I started into "Nine years old again." I gave her a good rousing performance and when I finished I saw the same wide-eyed stare on her face that I had seen with both Jools and Beth when they first heard 'Cara' perform. I said nothing, but got up from the piano stool and sat back down on the chair. I smiled and raised an eyebrow at her.

She exhaled slowly, "Heavens above! Alright, well I guess that answers that question. Gee, well I can see how you've finally got the big one. No offence, but anything I've ever heard you do before doesn't compare to that."

I nodded and shrugged, "I know."

I could see the cogs of her mind turning again, she began slowly, "Alright - one more question - so what came first: the record deal as Cara or wanting to live your life as Cara?"

Damn, but she was good. I steeled myself and prepared to try and fudge this issue. I was going to have to be convincing to pull the wool over her eyes. I nodded and sighed, "You think I'd change my sex, live as a woman, face you and the rest of the family just to get a record deal?" I stared hard at her.

She sat back a little and her posture became a little defensive, "Look Nick...Cara...I'm sorry, but I just want to be sure of what you are doing." She paused, "You didn't answer my question..."

I nodded and with a quiet intensity replied, "I'm not going to answer a question like that. But let me say this, and perhaps this will put such a crazy notion out of your mind: if you gave me the choice of being Nick and having the most successful music career in the history of rock and roll, or the choice of being Cara and never having one ounce of success - then I choose Cara." I inclined my head somewhat defiantly and looked her in the eyes. She nodded. I had got away with it. And the reason was that what I had just said was the complete truth. I did mean it. But I only realised this now. I had a new perspective.

"I'm sorry Nick...Cara....oh for goodness sake this is ridiculous," she said with exasperation.

"What is?" I asked puzzledly.

She shook her head, "I know why you've changed your name and all that, but there is no way that you can expect us, your family, to suddenly change what we call you. I mean OK so maybe you are going to be some big hotshot star with a new stage name, lots of stars do it - but they still all have real names and I bet Elton John's mother still calls him Reg!"

"Umm, I think his mother's dead Claire."

"Oh don't be facetious - you know what I mean."

I nodded, "Yes OK, I get your point. Well what do you suggest?"

She shrugged, "I think we should call you Nic."

I blinked, "Huh? But that's like my name anyway?"

She sighed, "Nic, n-i-c, short for Nicola. It's close enough to remember. Even Cara Malone had to be someone normal when she wasn't famous," there was a touch of irony in her voice, "and before she was a big star she was plain old Nicola Evans."

I chewed my lower lip and thought about it. It did make sense. "OK, well that could work I guess. And I think it would probably be easier on Mum and Dad rather than me telling them I have changed my name to Cara Malone."

Claire snorted with laughter, "Oh it'll make all the difference. You're changing to live as a woman, but as long as you call yourself Nicola they'll totally understand."

I think she spotted the pained look on my face and her expression softened, "Nic-ola, I'm sorry. It seemed funny but I guess it's not. No you are right, it will be one less thing for them to come to terms with."

I nodded to myself, "Alright. I'm Nicola Evans then for the time being. But I'm going to have to tell Mum and Dad what I'm planning to do."

Claire nodded, "Yes but this way you can do it a little more gently." She paused, "Heck, didn't you think of making yourself look a little less female before coming to see me. It might have made things easier on me Nic..ola."

I laughed. Claire looked puzzled, "Did I say something funny?"

I grinned, "Claire. That's exactly what I did."

"What? Well you didn't try too hard from what I can see."

I raised an eyebrow and sat up straight, "This was the best I could do. You should see me in all my finery!"

Now Claire was the one to raise an eyebrow, "Is that so? Well then, less talk and more action. If you're such a diva, let's see you in all this so-called finery."

I groaned, "Claire it's past eleven and I'm bushed, can't you wait 'til tomorrow?"

She shook her head, "No way bro....sister. Put up or shut up time."

I nodded, "Alright then. But don't say I didn't warn you. You may be shocked."

She smiled, "Do your worst."
 

*          *          *
 
I had taken my case to the spare room and undressed. I was determined to make her eat her words and I was going to give it my all despite my tiredness. I had pulled my corset on tight and slipped my breast forms into the cups of it. Putting on a stretchy black top and my black and white check miniskirt, sheer black stockings and my knee-high black leather boots made me feel strangely more comfortable. I applied my foundation, quick coat of mascara, a dab of eye shadow and rouge and a light coat of lipstick. I released my hair from its ponytail and brushed it out and added some hairspray for extra body. I removed the light flesh-pink nail varnish that had covered the deep red-brown nails underneath. I slipped on a necklace, bracelet and my rings. I popped my hoop earrings into the lower holes in my earlobes and simple studs into the upper holes. I looked in the mirror at my appearance and smiled. It was me again.

I tentatively opened the door and called down the stairs, "Are you ready Claire?"

She called back, "Anytime."

I slowly walked down the stairs and into the sitting room. She was slouched in the same chair but when she saw me she jumped to her feet and her mouth did that O-shaped fish impression thing. I put a hand on my hip, raised an eyebrow and gave her my best pout. I saw her go visibly pale and for a moment I worried that I had gone too far and that she would faint or something. But Claire was made of stronger stuff than that. She just looked at me and said nothing.

I felt uncomfortable, "Umm Claire, aren't you going to say anything?"

She took a deep breath and sat down in her chair again. I sat down opposite her, being careful to smooth my skirt underneath me. She noticed. I looked at her with concern, "Are you OK?"

She nodded slowly and croaked, "Yes." She nodded more resolutely, "Yes I'm fine. I'm just a little taken aback. I didn't expect you to be so... so..." Her voice trailed off.

"So?" I prompted.

She gave me a wan smile, "So beautiful." We sat in silence for a moment again before she continued, "I can't believe it. I really can't. I see what you mean now about having made an effort to soften the blow for me." She shook her head and grimaced.

"What's wrong Claire?"

"You! It's not good for my self esteem when my brother is prettier than I am!"

We both laughed and as we were exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, we decided it was time for bed. I didn't think that somehow Claire totally accepted everything but there was something different now in her attitude to me. I think that having seen me fully as Cara she now understood, if not everything, at least a whole lot more than she had earlier.
 

*          *          *
 
The next morning, although I was tired from the previous day's stress and hadn't got into bed 'til after midnight, I woke early at around 7:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After ten minutes of lying in bed I decided to give up and got up. I guess it must have been habit, but I had this urge to go for a run. Beth would have been proud of me. I changed into my tracksuit, pulled my hair into a scrunchie and quietly let myself out of the house. It was a dull grey morning and it had been raining overnight. It threatened further rain and there were a few spittles of moisture in the air. It was Christmas Eve and all seemed quiet. I drew in a few lungfuls of the clear air and, after stretching and limbering up, set off for a brisk run. I didn't really know the area but after running down a few streets I came across a park. It was more of a recreation area but it was green, there were trees and an artificial lake. I ran a few circuits of the park and when my lungs started to burn, I turned and headed back to Claire's house hoping that I could remember the way. I could and did. On the way I called in at a home bakery that was just opening and bought some fresh croissants. Back at Claire's, I slipped into the house and all was still quiet. Claire didn't have to go to work today and showed no sign of getting up yet.

I hit the shower and revelled in the warm jets of water as they beat my body and massaged my pleasantly aching muscles. I was quite amazed at how good exercise actually made me feel. I felt healthy and more energised and resolved to keep it up now that I was away from Beth's persistent influence. After towelling and moisturising, I went back to my bedroom and sat on the bed as I tried to decide what to wear. I was going to see my parents today. My stomach churned.

I had decided that I was going as Cara, well Nicola and as my full feminine self. I wanted them to be in no doubt as to what I was doing and how well I was going to do it. I slipped on my gaff and panties and then wrapped my corset around me before pulling it in tighter and tighter. I popped the breast forms into the cups. I was going to be decent, but I wasn't going to hide who I had become. I eventually decided on a simple white blouse, a long narrow black pencil skirt which came down to mid calf, black pantyhose and my black suede boots. I applied a light coating of foundation and some subtle eye shadow, mascara, rouge and reddish-brown lipstick. I went with the hoops and studs in my ears again.

Although there was still no sound of any stirring from the direction of Claire's room, I had to dry my hair. After blow drying it and giving it some style, I was ready. I could now hear the sounds of movement from Claire's room so I decided to go downstairs and get breakfast under way. I had some porridge cooking in the microwave, some croissants heating under the grill and a fresh pot of coffee percolating. Claire came into the kitchen in her dressing gown and yawned.

"What time is it?" she murmured as she rubbed her eyes.

"Breakfast time," I said brightly, "which is about quarter to nine."

She looked at me and snorted, "You know I don't believe this. If I remember correctly, you rarely surface before lunchtime and look like you've been dragged through a hedge. You don't eat properly and don't look after yourself. But here you are looking fresh and beautiful, up early and cooking breakfast." She broke off and sniffed the air, "Do I smell croissants?"

I grinned, "Fresh from the bakery. I called in on the way back from my run."

"Your run?" she said incredulously. She shook her head, "You have totally changed haven't you?" She sat down at the table and I served us coffee, porridge and laid the plate of warm croissants down in the middle.

I grinned and winked, "I'm a new person."

She laughed and mused, "You know, I think you really are. Don't get me wrong. If I had my choice I'd have my brother Nick back here. I was sort of quite fond of him - probably since I'd known him for so many years." She looked at me seriously.

I paused with the spoon of porridge halfway to my mouth. "Claire," I said in a pained tone, "I'm still here. Yes I'm different, but what's inside is still the same person."

She raised an eyebrow, "Perhaps. But this is going to take some getting used to. I don't know what it is like to have a sister. This is weird Nicola."

I shrugged, "I know. It's weird even to me, but I know it's right. Doesn't mean I'm not adjusting too though."

We ate most of the rest of breakfast in silence. Not a particularly awkward or tense silence. Just peaceful. I sensed that there was something else eating Claire. She knew me well and I knew her well too and could tell when something was bothering her.

"OK, out with it, what's on your mind?"

Claire looked at me guiltily, "Look I know it's none of my business really, but I can't help wondering just how far you are going to go with this."

I had a right idea, but I asked anyway, "What do you mean?"

She looked really uncomfortable, "Well I was just wondering like, had you any plans for well...you know...surgery?"

I grinned, "Do you mean have I thought about getting my dick cut off?"

Claire looked shocked, which was the response I was fishing for, "Nic...ola!!"

I shrugged, "Well isn't that what you were asking?"

She blushed, "Well, perhaps...I guess. But not in those sorts of terms - word of advice, don't talk like that with Mum and Dad."

I nodded, "I know, I wouldn't. To answer your question, I haven't really given it much thought. Surgery is sort of scary. I'll address that maybe someday, but not now."

We refilled our coffee cups and carried them through to the sitting room and made ourselves comfortable. Claire still looked preoccupied, "Another thing Nicola?"

"Yes?"

"Well, what way are you...I mean, are you attracted to women or men?"

I paused and nodded. It was a fair question. I just wished I really knew the answer. I thought for a moment, "To be honest, Claire I don't really know. I'm sort of mixed up in that regard. Let me be clear, I was not gay, I didn't have any attraction to or thoughts of men before all this. I still find women attractive. I'm just not sure about how I feel about guys." My voice tailed off and I looked out the window. I was thinking about Paul.

She nodded and prompted softly, "Well why don't you tell me about him then?"

I snapped my gaze back to her. "Hey look - get out of my mind would you?" I forced a smile and tried to make a joke of it. As usual, she would not be deterred.

"Well come on, tell me," she persisted.

I sighed and over the next hour or so related the happenings of the last four weeks or so to her. I started from the beginning and worked my way through it telling her about almost everything that had taken place. I figured it was time to come clean and I should be open and honest with her. I needed all the friends I could get. I told her about Paul, the dancing, how I had enjoyed it. I told her about my confusion, him kissing me, meeting his parents and all. She was enthralled and drank in every word. Extremely unusually for Claire, she rarely interrupted but just let me tell the story. I told her about the meeting with Sony and going to see Dr. Carson. One thing I didn't tell her was the discussion I had had with Dr. Carson about getting breast implants. I wasn't ready to share that yet.

"Well, there we are," I said with a deep breath, "I guess that brings you up to speed."

Claire raised her eyebrows, "Quite a story. Are you planning on telling Mum and Dad all this?"

"No!" I replied emphatically, "Well not all of it. Not Paul, not the dancing. I'll tell them about Sony and the doctor after a day or two. Not at the start."

Claire nodded, and stretched, "Well, I think I can say I understand more. I just wish you had talked to me about it before now. Promise you won't keep me in the dark in future?"

I nodded, "I promise. I'm sorry Claire. But tell me, after all you've seen and heard now, with hindsight, had I told you about all this earlier, would you still have tried to talk me out of it?"

She screwed up her face and didn't seem to know what to say. "Umm, I don't know. I really don't. I mean I look at you now and you look so perfect, so well, so healthy and happy I guess. I don't know." She paused, "I'm still not overly thrilled about all this, but I guess I'm not totally opposed." She spread her hands, "That's all I can say right now."

I nodded and smiled, "That's more than I could have hoped for." I hesitated.

She noticed, "What is it Nicola?"

I smiled sheepishly, "When we get to Mum and Dad's today, will you....I mean would you mind..."

She interrupted and rolled her eyes, "Would I go in first and soften the blow and tell them what is going on?"

I nodded and smiled and she sighed, "Well I sort of expected it. Yes I will fill them in. But I'm not going to fight the whole battle for you. I'll give them the facts and then you'll have to face them, OK?"

"Thanks Claire. It's a real load off my mind now that you know everything."

She waved a hand at me, "Hey well what are sisters for? Now because of you I've got a hard task to face now."

I wrinkled my brow, "What's that?"

She grinned, "I've to go shower and dress and somehow try to make myself look somewhere near as good as my newfound sister."

We laughed.

---