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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-17. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

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Chapter 24
 
 
The next day it was back to business at usual in the studio. It was the same the following day and the one after that. Soon it almost settled down to be routine. It was hard work interspersed with periods of little to do as the others took their turns to do their bits. I was increasingly impressed with the knowledge and skills that Steve and Tom displayed. Their humour, strange though it may be, did make the process a little more bearable. As they got to know us better, and we them, they were able to give more specific feedback and constructive criticism. Steve now had no qualms about almost literally hauling me from the vocals booth when he had decided that enough was enough. I would offer a token protest that I could still do it better, but he was having none of it. It was quite a male dominated environment and I did feel a little isolated as the only woman. I almost did a double take when I realised that that thought came into my mind without seeming incongruous.

I sought solace in seeking out Laura in her quiet moments and dragging her away for a coffee and chat. She seemed only too glad to have another woman to chat to. We were fast becoming friends and each day would try to grab a moment for a gossip. She was easygoing and seemed quite shy at first, but when you got to know her it was obvious that she was intelligent and certainly knew her own mind. She was 28 and had a business degree. She had been working for Air Studios for just over a year now and didn't view it as her final career. She had ambitions to get a foothold in a major company somewhere and probably start as a P.A. and try to work her way up. She had broken up with her latest boyfriend about six weeks back and did not seem too cut up about it. It was amazing how much you got to know about someone when you spent time with them each day. The same was probably true in reverse and I occasionally had to watch what I said. As I became more relaxed in her company, I still had to ensure that I didn't say anything about myself that would be suspicious.

At the end of that week, Herby and his entourage had invaded the studio which rankled Steve a little, but he held his tongue. A projector was set up in the artists' lounge and Herby gave a little dramatic speech. You would have thought he was an Oscar nominated director introducing his epic masterpiece. Having said that, the video was very impressive even though I say so myself. Herby's concept had worked: from the initial awkwardness of our arrival to the club to my dramatic exit from the dressing room to the stage performance. I had to look twice as I found it hard to believe the woman on the screen was actually me. The finale brought the song to a dramatic climax of on stage energy and it finished on a definite high. There was a stunned silence in the room when it finished.

"Well?" asked Herby like a proud father.

Kevin was the first to find his tongue, "Bloody brilliant!"

There was a general buzz of comments in a similar vein and Herby just beamed as he basked in the glow of the compliments. He drew everyone's attention to me, "And how does the star of the show feel about it?"

I was a little taken aback as I found myself the centre of attention, "Erm, it's great. I do feel a little self conscious about it all, but you've done a fantastic job." Everyone took the opportunity to grab some celebratory refreshments. I was sitting between Jon and Brian.

"Do you think it is OK?" I asked them tentatively.

Brian grinned at me, "It's fabulous and you looked incredible."

"You really think so?" I asked.

"Of course, didn't you see yourself there? Wasn't she amazing Jon?"

Jon laughed and nodded, "Oh yes. Cara, see those gobsmacked expressions on our face in the video when you came out the door? We weren't acting. Breathtaking."

I laughed and felt embarrassed. "Thanks guys," I murmured.

"I was wondering," Jon began with a glint in his eye, "that body jewellery you were sporting, was it for real?"

I laughed again and focussed my gaze on him, "What Jon Peters, you want me to lift up my top and let you look at my tummy?"

He snorted as he chuckled, "Well, that's not exactly what I was asking..."

I interrupted primly, "I guess you'll just have to be more observant in future and work it out for yourself." The expression on his face was priceless. He did not know what to say.

We were interrupted by Simon who had arrived just before the video showing. "Cara, fantastic! The video looks magnificent."

I shrugged, "Thanks. Herby does a good job."

He nodded, "That he does. So did Rod your photographer."

I raised an eyebrow, "You have the photos?"

He grinned and nodded, "Why? Do you want to see them?"

I laughed, "No teasing, let me see."

He opened a folder and let me flick through them. There was a wide range of shots from sweet and pretty to more sensual and even raunchy.

"The artwork for the cover and inlay of the single is being printed as we speak," he informed me.

"Which photo did you use for it?" I asked with interest.

He smiled and picked one out, "This one."

I groaned, "Seriously?" It was one of the last ones taken. I was wearing the black corselette top and it was a shot of me with my head back, hair swirling around my head. It wasn't that it looked bad.

"Simon," I protested, "my breasts are almost...well...popping out of my top in this one."

He raised an eyebrow and tried to look me in the eye, "Are they? I hadn't noticed."

Jon and Brian took a look at the photo and had a good snigger to themselves. "Have a good laugh at my expense boys," I said. I wasn't really upset. It didn't bother me too much truth be told. However I was now increasingly aware that a time was coming when I was going to have a high public profile. I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I was very apprehensive, but on the other there was a certain building excitement.
 

*          *          *
 
The next week, the single was distributed to the radio stations and it was Tuesday when Laura burst in to the control room where we were listening to what we had got so far for 'Nine Years Old Again'.

"Listen," she said breathlessly, "It's Capital Radio!" From the handheld radio she was holding came the unmistakable sounds of 'No Half Measures'. There was a lot of whooping and cheering and then we all sat quietly to listen to it. We had all heard it so many times before, but this time it was different. This time, someone else was playing our song. This time, as we listened, we were listening with thousands of others and my heart was in my mouth. It was irrational, it was weird, it was great. When it finished we listened closely to the DJ, "...yes the debut single of a brand new talent, up and coming singer songwriter Cara Malone. We like it and if you do, it's going on sale under a fortnight. Now coming up on the show..." His words were drowned by another round of cheers and shouts. There was a certain amount of high-fiving amongst the guys. Laura and I hugged and she squeezed my arms, "I'm so excited for you."

After a few minutes, Steve brought us down to earth with a gentle smile saying, "One single does not an album make..." We laughed and tried to focus on what we were doing. It was Jon's turn to do his lead guitar track. Brian, Kevin and Noel were so hyper that Steve banished them to the artists' lounge to cool off and calm down. Laura and I sat in the back of the control room and watched through the glass as Jon launched himself into his part. I was almost mesmerised as I watched him. He was truly gifted.

Laura nudged me and whispered, "You're crazy about him aren't you?"

My heart almost stopped and I whipped my head around to her and hissed, "What? What did you say?"

She smiled and put a hand on my arm, "Easy. I didn't mean to startle you. It's just that I've seen the way you look at him. I know that look. Don't worry, I'm sure none of the Mr. Insensitives have noticed."

I was quite flustered and wasn't sure what to say, "Erm Laura. I think you may be mistaken. Jon and I are old friends from way back. Really good friends, that's all." As I said the words, I knew how clichéd they sounded and had I been in Laura's place, I probably wouldn't have believed me. As it was, I wasn't sure whether I fully believed myself anyway.

Laura gave me the look I was expecting, "Look Cara, don't worry. I'm not going to go round shouting about it, but give me some credit please."

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I looked at her and replied with frankness, "Laura, I'm sorry for sounding off." I looked away for a moment, "I don't really know how I feel. I guess...I guess...there may be something in what you say. But I don't know if I'm ready to admit it to myself. And as I said, to him I'm just a good friend so it's really quite irrelevant in any case."

Laura smothered a laugh with her hand. I looked at her quizzically, and she contained herself as best she could. "What is it?" I asked.

"Oh my God," she whispered, "have you not seen the way he looks at you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She smiled at me, "Cara honey, the guy is so obviously besotted with you."

"No!" I exclaimed as I screwed up my face, "I don't believe it. He can't be."

She nodded knowledgeably, "Believe it. I know what I've observed. Trust me on this. Look I'm not prying, I don't mean to upset you, but I just wanted to let you know what I've noticed. And what do you mean he can't be? You're practically every guy's fantasy girl."

I murmured, "Oh I doubt that." If only she knew, but I didn't dwell on that, "Umm, if what you say is right, do you think anyone else has noticed?"

Laura chuckled, "If it can't be tuned, recorded, twiddled or fiddled it won't be noticed around here. Rest assured the inhabitants of 'little boy land' haven't spotted anything."

I laughed. She winked at me and almost with a hint of envy said, "You've good taste I have to admit. He is most definitely cute and what a great ass!"

I was shocked, "Laura!"

She laughed, "Do you disagree?"

I looked back at Jon, who was lost in the throes of his guitar solo. I don't know that I had specifically thought about it consciously. He was good looking. I knew I had known that as he never had any trouble attracting women. However now as I appraised him, I could almost begin to recognise the features that made him attractive. His sandy fair hair which was just a little on the longish side on top fell down over his clear blue eyes. I took a little look at the aforementioned ass and found that my eyes were drawn to the outline of his firm buttocks. I shook my head. What was I thinking? I turned back to Laura and grinned, "I guess you've got a point."

Then something struck me. I had noticed it almost subconsciously. "What do you think of our Brian, Laura? I've seen you and him chatting a fair bit."

I saw her redden and knew that I had hit the target. She laughed nervously, "I don't know what you mean?"

I returned the disbelieving look which she had so recently sent my way and she giggled. "He is so sweet isn't he? He's gentle and really quite handsome."

I chuckled, "So it would be fair to say that you have a degree of interest. Is it reciprocated?"

She flushed again and licked her lips as a smile formed at the corners of her mouth, "Well I'm not saying it's much...but he asked me if I wanted to go out for some drinks this Friday night."

I smirked at her and squeezed her arm, "Hey, sounds promising. Brian's a really nice guy. You go for it girl."

She laughed, "I'll certainly try."
 

*          *          *
 
Recording was hard work. Days could pass without me feeling I had really contributed much. There were low points when it seemed we just couldn't get a song right. Steve would eventually wisely step in and suggest we leave it for a few days and work on something else. Slowly but surely, we were getting there. In the midst of the routine humdrum of laying down tracks, there were the occasional notable moments. We had been working on getting 'Simply Say' down. It just was not happening. We had all done our bits. A session musician had been brought in to do the sax part and he was great. The individual parts were fine, but when it was all played back, it sounded lifeless. It had lost the laidback, mellow feeling which made the song special. Despite trying to redo a few tracks and despite all the wizardry on the desk from Steve and Tom, it still just was not happening. We were all frustrated.

"Right, let's scrap it," Steve said.

"Scrap it?" I exclaimed, "No way, it's a fantastic song."

He laughed, "I didn't mean scrap the song. I meant, let's wipe what we have done already and start again."

I relaxed a little, "How is it going to be any different next time?"

He grinned, "We're going to try it live."

So we all made our way into the studio and got to our respective stations. This was very different to how we had done the songs up until now. After a bit of sound checking, Tom nodded to Steve to indicate that he was happy. We were ready and we gave it a whirl. Now I'm not saying that it was perfect first time, but the energy and mood were back. It took about five takes before we had it right. It was a good feeling. We had almost forgotten what it felt like to play as a band. As Steve played the final version back over the studio speakers we couldn't stop smiling at each other. Although I like to be modest most of the time, I have to say that it sounded fantastic. When it finished we were on a bit of a high. Steve and Tom were still fiddling on the desk to tweak a few more things here and there.

What happened next was predictable. Stick a bunch of would be rock stars in a room and give them a musical instrument each, leave them to their own devices and you are guaranteed a jamming session. Kevin started it. Well to be fair, he rarely ever stopped playing when he was at his drum kit. Jon began to jam along. I had to visit the bathroom and when I came back in, Jon grinned at me.

"Cara, we've got a new song. Let's do it."

I laughed, "Catch yourself on. Where's the words? What's the music?"

He laughed, "Just do it!"

He turned to the guys and counted in. It was a fast bluesy riff and he shouted into his mike, "Cara! Sing!"

I laughed and shrugged, I grabbed the mike and just let myself go. It was one of those indescribable moments. It can't be planned. It can't be repeated. Fuelled by the adrenaline of our success in getting the last song done, the guys were belting it out so I thought I'd humour them. I had no idea what I was doing, but it came out from somewhere.
 
 

"I'm not gonna sing your song,  I'm not gonna sing your song,  If you ask me, it's already gone on far too long,  And I'm not gonna sing your song."

 
 
I saw Jon grinning at me and nodding as I let them run through their chords again before I joined in again.
 
 

"I'm not gonna dance to your tune,  I'm not gonna dance to your tune,  Even if you promise me the sun, stars and moon,  I'm not gonna dance to your tune."

 
 
The guys were all smirking and trying not to laugh. I shrugged and pulled the mike from its stand and taking it in my hand I walked back towards Kevin.
 
 

"Kevin...  I'm not gonna jump to your beat,  I'm not gonna jump to your beat,  Get off your knees and get back on your feet,  Cos I'm not gonna jump to your beat."

 
 
Kevin predictably went wild on the drums and inflicted major damage on them as he winked at me. I walked over to Noel next.
 
 

"Noel...  I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs,  I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs,  I'm not gonna budge, I'm'a stickin' to my guns,  As I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs."

 
 
He blew me a kiss and hammed it up for all he was worth. I laughed and pointed at Brian as I walked over to him.
 
 

"Brian...  I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass,  I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass,  So you can dry your eyes and take that look off your face,  For I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass."

 
 
He managed to keep a straight face as he slid his hand up and down the bass, thumping and thumb striking the strings as he slapped it out. I winked at him and turned to face Jon.
 
 

"And last but not least...Jon...  I'm not moved by your slick little riffs,  I'm not moved by your slick little riffs,  So throw a tantrum and go into one of your tiffs  I said, I'm not moved by your slick little riffs."

 
 
He shook his head at me and laughed as he launched into a squealing howling solo. They all joined in and then I gestured for them to take it down a little.
 
 

"You've tricked me into singing your song,  You've tricked me into singing your song,  I thought it was crap but I guess I was wrong,  You win, You've tricked me into singing your song."

 
 
They brought it to a crescendo finale and I raised my hand and as I dropped it I shouted, "Enough!" and they hit a perfect tight finish. As the last notes died away, we laughed and whooped. I turned to see what Steve and Tom were doing and I happened to notice the red recording light just go off. Steve gave me a wink and the thumbs up.

"You were recording?" I asked through the glass.

We all piled into the control room and I repeated my question, "You were recording?"

He leaned back languidly in his chair and laughed, "When you've been in the business as long as I have, you sometimes get a sixth sense that something is happening."

He played it back. It was fantastic. It was rough and raw, but it was real. It was the sort of song that you couldn't listen to without it bringing a smile to your face. Jon put his hands on my shoulder from behind me and said, "Masterful improvisation Cara."

I laughed and shrugged, "I just went with the flow."

"What you going to call it?" Tom asked.

I laughed, "I'm not gonna sing your song?"

We all nodded and that day certainly finished on a high.
 

*          *          *
 
Things continued to progress well and as the week came to a close we had got all of the songs recorded except for 'Not Dancing, But Flying' and 'I Just Wanna Be Me'. Simon Andrews had been in and was quite anxious that we take a break from recording soon as he wanted to focus on promotion of the first single. It was being released Monday week and towards the end of the next week, he wanted me to be available to start doing radio interviews and then the next week, the whole band could be required as he hoped to see about starting to get some TV slots organised. It was all becoming very real as he talked about this matter-of-factly. We agreed we would record Monday and Tuesday and then take a few weeks break. The time would also be useful to try and get a couple more songs. At present we were looking at ten songs. Certainly in days gone by, this would have been more than acceptable for an album, but in today's terms it would be viewed as stingy. Steve reckoned that twelve good songs on a debut album were more than enough. By that reckoning, we were still two short.

As we were wrapping up mid afternoon on Friday, Brian came over to where Jon and I were talking. "Guys, fancy getting together for a few drinks tonight, relax a bit?"

I shrugged, "Sure, sounds good to me." Jon agreed. Brian called over to Kevin who promptly agreed. Noel however had already arranged to meet up with some of his mates. I didn't feel too sorry about that.
 

*          *          *
 
I knew it was only a casual night out with friends, but it was Friday night and I found now that I needed very little excuse to get dressed up nice. I sniggered to myself as I did my make up. I looked at myself in the mirror and winked, "You spent the first 23 years of your life trying to be more macho, and look at you now." My inner self swelled proudly as if to say, "You bet, just look at me now!" I went for a simple white blouse and short black skirt. I was just about ready when the taxi that I had booked tooted its horn outside. I grabbed my jacket, blew a kiss at Jools and made my exit.

We were meeting at a trendy wine bar in the West End and when I walked in I spotted Brian and Laura with him. They waved at me and I weaved my way between the tables to where they sat. "Hi Laura, fancy seeing you here," I said with a grin on my face and a twinkle in my eye. She laughed and I saw Brian redden a little.

"So where's everyone else?" I asked brightly.

I saw the look that passed between Brian and Laura and was immediately suspicious. Brian looked a little uncomfortable, "Umm well, Jon's not here yet." He paused, "And Kevin had to cry off at the last minute. Something came up I think."

I looked him in the face, "Oh really?" I nodded slowly to myself and then turned to Laura, "Where is the ladies' room? Oh why don't you come with me and show me?"

Once inside I turned to her, "OK, is this a set up or what?"

"What do you mean?" she protested but she couldn't keep a straight face. I looked at her pointedly. "Alright," she said resignedly, "I can see how it might look that way. Honestly, after asking you all Brian just told Kevin that I was coming too and he sort of worked out that he might feel like the odd one out."

"And why on earth would he feel like that?"

She smiled and put a hand on my arm, "C'mon Cara. Loosen up. Look on this as an opportunity."

I sighed. She was only trying to help me as she saw it. "Laura, listen thanks for trying. But seriously, there isn't a future for Jon and I."

She shook her head, "Why on earth not? You two are made for each other. I see the way you look at each other, the furtive glances, the shy smiles. I'd stake a year's salary to bet that you both have feelings for each other."

What could I say? I couldn't explain the real problem to her. "I'm not denying that what you say may be true. There's just too much history between us."

"Did you go out with each other before?"

I really wasn't explaining myself well. I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought, "Oh no. I just don't want to risk a good friendship. Especially as it's sort of important that we work well together."

She nodded but didn't look overly convinced, "OK, well if that's how you feel. I still say nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'll not play cupid any more if that's how you feel."

"You? It was you who set all this up? I thought it was Brian's idea."

"Oops!" she raised a hand to her mouth and grinned guiltily.

I shook my head and laughed, "You're worth a watching you are."

When we got back to the table, Jon was there and from his slightly uptight posture, I reckoned that he had worked out the numerical situation and the probable implication. However it wasn't long before everyone relaxed and the conversation flowed freely. We laughed over the occurrences of the past few weeks. I teased Jon about behaving like a little boy in a sweet shop each time he got into the recording studio. I also received my fair share of teasing about the 'sex kitten' I had become for the video. It was all good natured and we enjoyed each other's company.

Brian and Laura made a good couple. They were both on the quieter end of the spectrum, yet each of them had an inner strength that was not overtly apparent when you first met them. As I watched them interact with each other, it was obvious that their feelings for one another were growing and I did feel a sudden pang of envy.

My life had been such a whirlwind of change and activity over the last few months that I hadn't had time to really feel lonely. Or to desire the company of another in the closer sense. Another? Even the way I phrased it in my own mind was ambiguous. Although I was sitting there with good friends and outwardly enjoying myself, inside I really felt quite alone.

It often is the way with life. You think that if you achieve your next goal that everything will be perfect and you will be happy. I had thought that musical success would do it for me. I had already learnt that the person I was becoming was more important than that. Perhaps though I was also starting to realise that as settled as I might become with who I was, there was still going to be a yearning for more. For someone else? It was like climbing a mountain. You think the peak in front of you is the summit, only to reach it and see another one stretching up in front of you. Where does it all end?

At the end of the evening, we were going our separate ways and I was going to hail a cab. Jon had driven in to the city and insisted on dropping me home. I made a token protest that it was well out of his way, but he dismissed it. On the drive back, he made some comment about asking where Kevin had got to and I made a noncommittal response about not knowing. I think we both had a fair idea, but it seemed to suit us better to pretend otherwise. When we got back to Jools' place, Jon turned off the engine and I was about to get out of the car when he stopped me, "Cara, wait a moment."

"Mmm? What?"

He paused and began hesitantly, "Listen, I've something to tell you. It's probably a little unexpected, but I think you should know..."

I was in a bit of a quandary. What was he going to say? My heart was beating wildly and my mind was racing with possibilities. Possibilities that I wasn't sure I could dare to dream of, and at the same time possibilities that I was almost too afraid to consider. What came next certainly was not on my list of possibilities.

He smiled ruefully, "Erm, I'm seeing someone new."

I didn't know how to react. I didn't know why I was feeling what I was feeling. I didn't even know how to describe what it was that I was feeling. I knew I had to make some sort of response though.

I forced a smile and replied as brightly as I could, "Really? Guess it was only a matter of time before you got your touch back. Who is it?"

He grinned, "She's called Tanya. She's the sister of Gary who lives with me. We've been sort of getting to know each other the past few weeks."

I tried to show casual interest, "So tell me about her then."

"Well, she's an estate agent. Not the most interesting of jobs granted, but she's fun. I really like her. She's pretty - not as pretty as you actually, but then not many are." I don't know why, but I took a certain satisfaction in that last statement. I guess I was developing my bitchy side nicely.

"Great," I nodded, "I'll have to meet her and give her the low-down on Jon Peters then."

He laughed, "You're OK about this?"

I looked at him, "Why on earth would I not be OK about it?" Was I daring him to come up with reasons, or was I challenging myself to think of them?

He shrugged and frowned, "Yeah. Good point, forget it."

I forced another smile, "Thanks for the lift Jon; I'll see you on Monday."

When I got inside, Jools was still up and she took one look at my face and said, "Whatever's the matter Cara?"

I tried to brush her off as I headed towards my room, "Nothing, I'm fine." When I got to my room though, I realised that Jools was right on my heels and she followed me in.

"No seriously," she persisted, "you look as if someone's died."

I sighed. What could I say? Could I just tell her what I was feeling? I suddenly realised that that was exactly what I should do. I needed to talk to someone and who better than Jools? My façade cracked and I wilted as I sat on the bed.

"Oh Jools, you are going to think I am a silly little girl."

"Of course I won't, what is it?" She sat down and put an arm around my shoulders.

I shook my head, "I'm not sure, but I think I'm developing feelings for someone that I shouldn't have feelings for."

She squeezed my shoulder, "Jon?"

I looked at her, "How did you know?"

She smiled sympathetically, "You don't have to be clairvoyant to see the way you two get on."

I laughed mirthlessly, "Yeah, people keep saying that. Amazing how wrong you can be."

I told her about Jon's revelation and how confused it made me feel. Jools again proved she was worth her weight in gold as she let me unburden myself and try to talk through the confused mess that was my feelings. At the end of it, I wasn't sure I knew any better how I felt or why I felt that way, but it did seem to help to talk about it. Jools gave me a bear hug.

"Cara, I don't know how things will work out, or why things happen the way they do. But I do believe things will work out the way they are meant to in the end. Look at all that has happened to you in the last five months and how things have fallen into place."

I managed a grin, "I guess you're right. Now get out of my room so I can let my troubled mind try to get some rest."
 

*          *          *
 
I tried to busy myself as much as possible at the weekend to take my mind off the troubling thoughts and feelings that lurked just beneath the surface of my consciousness. Jools and I had a leisurely lunch and did a bit of shopping on Saturday afternoon and in the evening I had met up with Kate and we had gone to 'Les Miserables'. I had seen it countless times before but it never ceased to move me. Kate had never been before and she was entranced by it. We enjoyed a late night coffee afterwards and I was happy to let her chat away about what was going on in her life. Things were more relaxed between us and I valued the friendship that was continuing to develop.

On Sunday I decided to go to Church. I wasn't quite sure why, but again it did pass the time. I dragged Jools with me and we went for a quiet Sunday dinner in Marnies' Café in Notting Hill. It was the first time we had been back there since I had become Cara. It was a strange feeling, but I soon realised that none of the staff seemed to have any intention of jumping out at me and asking if I used to be a man.

Monday saw us back in the studio and we began work on 'Not Dancing, But Flying'. I played the piano part myself and Noel added some strings on the keyboard. Kevin got his drum track down without too much difficulty. It wasn't the most rhythmic of tracks and he really only contributed significantly when it came to the last chorus. Brian laid his bass track down on one take and Jon didn't require more than three goes. He added a wistful sounding lead guitar part which was understated through most of the song and built up a little towards the end. I was actually happy with the vocals after a few goes myself. I didn't require anyone to drag me from the booth this time either. All in all, we seemed to be getting more professional at this recording lark. Despite this, I wasn't happy with the finished product. All the parts were fine, but something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"What about some backing vocals?" Jon suggested.

And so we hammered out a harmony line and I sent Jon into the booth to deliver it. It did not sound right at all.

"I think the backing vocals need to be female," Steve thought out loud.

Before long, I found myself back in the booth singing my own harmony line. I listened to it afterwards and screwed up my face, "It sounds too like me, if you know what I mean. Too similar to the lead vocals."

"Try making your voice more breathy, wispy even," Tom suggested.

I did that and it was a good suggestion. It sounded good. Despite this, there was still something missing. Steve and Tom twiddled and fiddled for an hour or two with me breathing down their necks, but still it wasn't right.

"Don't you see what I mean?" I asked.

Steve nodded, "It sounds fine, but I think I see what you are getting at."

They tried a few more things, but with no great improvement. "Oh, this is SO frustrating!" I said.

Steve grinned, stood up and put his arm around my shoulders and began to lead me out of the control room.

"What are you doing?" I protested.

"Time out. For both of us. Come on." He led me out of the control room and out of the Studio 1 area. He walked me through into the Lyndhurst Hall complex.

I grinned, "Trying to see if these grand surroundings will give us inspiration?"

He shrugged and chuckled, "Not really, I just thought we needed a little space to allow us to stand back from it and see where we are."

I stood in the middle of the hall and spun myself around. "If only," I murmured.

"What?" said Steve.

"Hmm? Oh nothing," I grinned ruefully, "I was just imagining a full orchestral backing being recorded here for the song. Maybe that would give it what it's missing."

He looked at me strangely.

"Hey I'm only dreaming, don't worry," I reassured him.

"No wait. You know, I think you might be right," he said slowly and thoughtfully.

I laughed, "As right as I may be, what are you going to do? Ring 0800-Rent-an-Orchestra?"

He winked, "Maybe." He thought for a moment, "Right, this could be tight. Just say I could get an orchestra in here tomorrow. Could you get parts written for it before then?"

I wasn't sure if he was being serious, but I thought about it. In school I had done a bit of conducting. Not much and I knew it wasn't my thing. However I had spent more time on musical arrangements and although I had not done it for a few years, it had been something I enjoyed and prided myself on being reasonably good at. I exhaled slowly, "It would be a late nighter, but if needed, I'm sure I could come up with something. But we are still short an orchestra."

Steve chuckled, "Have you ever heard the London Philharmonic? Would they be good enough?"

Now I knew he was just winding me up, "Hey stop teasing me. It was just an idea."

"No seriously, answer me."

I shrugged, "Of course they would be good enough. Yes I've heard them. What are you going to do, phone them up and get them to drop everything and come over here tomorrow?"

"Who's the current conductor of the Phil?" he asked.

"I've no idea," I admitted.

"I do. Guy called Jeremy Yarwood." He grinned and waited for me to make the connection. Which I did before too long.

"Yarwood? Let me guess, he wouldn't happen to be a relative of yours?"

He laughed, "I'm not the only musical Yarwood. My brother Jeremy likes to think he is the purist of the musicians in our family, but I know he's a mere technician. Whereas, what I do..."

I interrupted, "Hey less of the sibling rivalry. What are you saying? You think you're going to be able to get them here?"

He shrugged, "I was talking to Jer at the weekend and they've nothing on their schedule for the next fortnight. Shall I give him a ring?"

And so Steve got on the phone and after exchanging a few jibes with his brother he got down to business. We listened to his side of the conversation.

"So do you think you could get your folks together over here tomorrow morning?" "Yes I know it's short notice, yes I know you are a thorough professional who likes to be completely prepared, yada yada yada, answer the question Jer." "Is she good looking? What's that got to do with it?" He rolled his eyes at me, "Jer, she is the most stunningly gorgeous and fantastically talented artist I've ever had the privilege of working with." He laughed at whatever his brother said in response. He covered the mouthpiece and spoke to us, "He says in that case, he'll be here with his troupe in less than an hour." He spoke back into the phone, "Nine o'clock tomorrow morning will do. You'd better get your secretary on the phone to your team pronto. See you then bro."

I was excited, "So it's a go then? And you didn't have to over exaggerate so much about me though. It's embarrassing."

He nodded, "You're absolutely right. It's just as well I told him nothing but the truth then."

I looked at him closely to see if he was teasing, but he seemed sincere. This embarrassed me all the more and I looked away, unsure of what to say. He laughed and squeezed my shoulder, "Now my dear, it is half past three. I suggest you get yourself home and get your manuscript paper out and get scribbling as you will have one of the premier professional orchestras in the country here tomorrow morning looking to you for what they should be playing. And their conductor? He makes me look like a little pussy cat."

I saw my opportunity for revenge and smiled sweetly as I reached up to tickle Steve under the chin, "But that's exactly the way I think about you anyway." He nearly choked and I laughed at his response.
 

*          *          *
 
Thankfully I didn't have to scribble on manuscript paper literally. My computer sequencer software had a music annotation component. Nonetheless it was a busy afternoon, evening and night. It was midnight before I knew it and I had only done the first and second violins, violas, cellos and double bass. Although my musical arrangement skills were coming back to me, it was slow. Jools to her credit had kept a steady flow of coffee coming and had tactfully kept out of my way otherwise. Had I been scribbling on manuscript paper, there would have been a growing pile of crumpled pages on the floor beside me. It took a long time to get things the way I wanted. At least with the sequencer I had the advantage over the composers of yesteryear in that I could instantly hear how my parts sounded together. Having completed the string section, I moved on to woodwind and brass. It was coming faster now and eventually just before three a.m. I was done with those sections. I decided that the harpist, if there was one, and the percussionists would have to fend for themselves.

I listened to it one more time and imagined it alongside the song. It sounded OK to me and it would have to do as I needed a few hours sleep before having to stand before the London Phil. The thought was almost enough to keep me awake in a cold sweat. Almost, but not quite enough.
 

*          *          *
 
The next morning Lyndhurst Hall was a hive of activity as musicians milled around everywhere and got their places and seats sorted out. The adrenaline pumping through my veins made me forget about my tiredness. Steve introduced me to his brother Jeremy. Jeremy Yarwood was older than Steve. Early forties I reckoned. He was as tall as Steve, but was not as heavyset. He was thin and angular. He had the same quirky smile and sense of humour it seemed.

"Cara Malone," he said with largesse as he took my hand. He sighed and shook his head, "I see my little brother once again has lied to me to get me to do what he wants." I wasn't quite sure how to respond. He went on, "Telling me you were gorgeous." He rolled his eyes, "Such little words do not even begin to do justice to your extraordinary beauty and delightful visage."

I permitted myself a wry smile, "And I see that my life is going to be even more difficult with not one but two Yarwood jokers. As if I were not wound up enough, I have to deal with this?"

He laughed and winked, "Well, just remember, we brothers may have the same sense of humour, but I'm the good looking one."

I sat down at a desk and started to show him the parts I had written. Before I got very far, he stopped me and said he would like to hear me play and sing the song for him. So we went back into Studio 1 and I sat at the piano and did as he asked. When I was finished, I looked up at him nervously.

"Beautiful!" he said with admiration. "And so was the song."

I sighed, "Oh come on, please. I'm nervous enough."

He laughed, "No seriously, it's a lovely song."

We then headed into the control room and Steve let him hear the already recorded tracks. Jeremy nodded thoughtfully, "I think you are right Cara. It does need just a little something extra. Now let's go and see what you have got in the way of extras."

We sat down and looked through the parts as the orchestra were tuning up. Jeremy made a few notes here and there and made some changes. I was quite impressed. He didn't need to hear the parts played. He just made changes in his mind. I commented on this. He laughed again, "I've been doing this for so long that I don't need the orchestra to let me know what it should sound like. I've an orchestra in my head that never stops playing." He smiled modestly, "Although granted the real live orchestra does come in useful when I want to let others hear what is going on in my head."

After half an hour of working through the parts he seemed satisfied. I mentioned to him about the lack of percussion and harp parts. He shrugged and agreed that they would have to perform a professional real time interpretation. When I asked what that was, he laughed and said it meant that they would just have to 'wing it'. He assured me that as they were all consummate professionals, this should not be a problem. Jon and the rest of the guys had arrived and finding that they had nothing to do, had taken up seats near the back of the hall and just watched all that was going on.

Jeremy took his copy of the score and went to the podium. It was strange to see an orchestra in everyday casual dress. I don't know why, but I had imagined they would be here in their evening dress as that was all I had ever seen an orchestra wear. I realised this was silly - why on earth would they dress up for this? Jeremy got their attention, "Ladies, gentlemen...and percussionists." He was rewarded with a 'boom boom ching' from the latter's corner for his attempted humour. "This young lady is Cara Malone. My brother assures me she is the next biggest young rock star about to hit the big time. I fear he may have been swept away by her charms and good looks. However, as I have also been swept away by the same, we find ourselves here to help her out. She has written a delectable song which we are going to enhance even further. You should now have your parts in front of you."

Laura had been busy photocopying the amended parts for each musician and had distributed them. Jeremy got Steve to play the song back to the orchestra through the speakers of the Lyndhurst studio. I sat there as if on eggs as it was playing and scanned the faces of the musicians to gauge their reactions. It seemed to be generally favourable. Then Jeremy led them through it. He did it section by section until he was happy with each group's contribution. Then he took them through a few practice run throughs all together.

It sounded fantastic to my ears, but not good enough for Jeremy. He berated a few players, encouraged others and added comments for almost each instrument as to how he wanted it. He knew his orchestra well and they knew him as they responded to his leading. It sounded even better the next few times. Jeremy nodded and turned to Steve, "I think we are ready to give it a go."

During all this practising, Tom and a few other drafted in sound engineers had been running around adjusting microphone positions and then checking levels with Steve before making even more adjustments. Tom wanted to make some more changes, so everyone broke for lunch. Sandwiches were brought in and everyone milled around. I got chatting to a few of the musicians and several complimented me on the song. I, in return, complimented them for the improvements they were making to it.

I was wondering how on earth a full symphony orchestra was going to be synchronised with what we had already recorded, but this was not a new venture for Steve or Jeremy. Steve had added a strong metronome track to the song to guide Jeremy and dropped out all other tracks bar the piano and vocals. Jeremy had a pair of headphones on and, after gathering his troops together and calling for silence in the hall, nodded to Steve. No-one but Jeremy could hear anything of the song. The first verse and chorus did not have any orchestral component so Jeremy was just counting out the bars with his baton. Then the gradual build up began as the strings entered the fray in the second verse. I was mesmerised to watch the energy and enthusiasm that Jeremy put into it and to see this reflected in the response from the orchestra. He built them up to a crescendo climax at the end of the last chorus and stopped them dramatically as I knew the last two lines would be repeated with only piano and vocal as the song closed. He turned to Steve, the red lights went off and they nodded to each other. Steve played it back and all the way through was adjusting the balance between the various instruments. I closed my eyes as I listened to it and it was amazing to hear the song come to life. Predictably though, Jeremy wasn't completely happy. At the third attempt, he was satisfied. It didn't sound much different from the first two attempts to me, but I was delighted with the outcome. I made a point of thanking the orchestra for all they had done and I gave Jeremy a hug and told him I thought he was amazing. He grinned at me and told me that it was just as well he was not twenty years younger. I returned the wink and said it was a pity.

And so we wrapped up our first stint in the studio with nine songs recorded. 'I Just Wanna Be Me' would have to wait for our next session and I'd have to try and find a couple more songs for then too. We planned to come back to the studio in about three weeks time after the single had been promoted, released and for the most part done whatever it was going to do. At that time, none of us were to know that it would be almost twice as long before we were back here again.
 

*          *          *
 
Wednesday was a stressful day of a different kind. I spent it at Sony in the PR department. I was coached and instructed in how to give a good interview, what to say and what not to say. I thought some of it was a bit artificial, but there were a lot of good tips as well. Some things were obvious like never argue with your interviewer, smile a lot, laugh at their jokes and so on. On Thursday morning I got to put it into practice as there were several interviews lined up with local FM stations across London. The first was Heat 102.6 FM. It was very close by in the Notting Hill area. Simon Andrews was picking us up at six a.m. as we were being interviewed on their Breakfast Show. Jools was coming with me at my insistence. We were up at five a.m. and I decided to wear my low cut lilac top and a black skirt. We were both surprised to see a large black limousine pull up outside for us. When we got in and remarked to Simon about the choice of car, he laughed. "Image, image, image. Make people believe you are a big star, and they will make you into that star."

Heat FM was a small friendly outfit and they had been playing our song for over a week. George Tomason was the D.J. and he welcomed us in and made us feel at home. The interview was short and friendly. It was over before I knew it. A few questions about the song, about my music. A few questions about who I was and where I came from. It was all very superficial. As we left to head to our next appointment, I commented about how straightforward it was. Again Simon had wise words on this subject, "At the moment, no-one knows you. So yes the questions will be easy. It's all about information at the moment. Once you have a higher profile, the questions get tougher as people want to dig deeper. Think of the megastars, the press and media put them under a microscope. They know the basic facts, what they want is the juicy stuff."

I shuddered a little, "Well, I'm happy to stick with 'get-to-know-me' questions for now then."

The rest of the day was made up with similar little sound bites from me. It was very repetitive and I soon realised that, with a few little variations, most radio stations were very similar. I had to concentrate to remember which one I was speaking on at times. Friday was much the same and the only thing that was different was when we were at Capital FM, one of London's biggest commercial stations. After the interview, the D.J. brought me back to one of their sound studios as they were keen for me to record a little jingle for them. Simon was keen for me to do it. In his opinion, it was all publicity. It wasn't anything complex: there was a musical jingle, and I basically spoke over it. It was corny, but fairly typical of most jingles: "Hi, I'm Cara Malone. If you want No Half Measures, you want Capital FM!" I did it a couple of times until they were happy and we were off again.

Monday was very similar except for the fact that we had flown up to Manchester where a limo was waiting for us and we did the rounds of the local stations. That evening we flew up to Edinburgh in Scotland where we were spending the night. As we were walking through the airport to where a car would be waiting for us, Jools squealed, "Cara look!"

She dragged me into a music store and pointed at the new releases section. There I was, on the front of multiple CD single covers. I felt my heart pound and could hear the blood rushing in my ears. "Wow," I murmured. I had dreamt about this moment so many times in the past few years. I had known the single was being released, but there was something about seeing it for real with your very own eyes that could not be adequately described in words.

The next day, we did the rounds of the Scottish stations and the questions were again variations on a theme of what had gone before. I would love to tell you about each person that I met and what each station was like, but truth be told, they were all merging into one. The next morning we were on the first flight out of Edinburgh to Cardiff.

This part of the trip was more notable as it was almost like coming home. It was my native Wales, and although Cardiff wasn't home, it was strange to be coming to my parents' home city in my current capacity. I had no thoughts of dropping in on them as I wasn't keen on attracting any publicity to my family. The D.J.s in the local stations seemed friendlier. Perhaps it was because they could sell it as 'local girl makes good' or the like. Correspondingly however, the questions were a bit more detailed. Where did I grow up? Where did I go to school? I answered them as briefly and simply as I could without going into too much detail. At the end of the day, we caught the last flight back to London. Jools and I were utterly exhausted and it was good to be back in our own beds.
 

*          *          *
 
Simon phoned the next morning to apologise that he had not managed to get anything lined up for that day or Friday. I was quite glad and told him not to beat himself up about it. I think he read between the lines and reminded me to make sure to listen to the Chart Show on Radio 1 on Sunday night. As if I would miss it! I had heard 'No Half Measures' being played several times on different stations, and the single was in evidence in most record shops, but I had no idea how well it would be selling. I got a shock on Friday when I popped into the city centre to do some casual shopping. I was standing on the escalator up from the Tube line to Oxford Circus station when some of the posters that line the walls beside the escalators caught my eye. It was me! It was a blown up version of the single cover and the details of the new release emblazoned all over them. I looked around nervously in case anyone would be pointing at me, but thankfully as per usual the occupants of the London Underground were travelling on mindless autopilot.

I couldn't relax on Sunday at all and was pacing up and down. The Chart Show began at five p.m. and Jools and I were tuned in. Jon rang just before it started to wish ourselves luck. I felt like I was going to be sick. Simon had called earlier to say that sales had been pretty good, but he couldn't give an indication of what might happen. There were 7 new entries this week in the Top 40. Would we be one of them? The show dragged its way from 40 to 20 and there was no mention of us. I began to get worried. What if we wouldn't make an appearance at all? With all the publicity, hype and promotion, this would be a very bad sign. Would my career be over even before it had begun? Jools tried to reassure me. I got so edgy that I couldn't even sit still. The countdown went on.

Then it happened. A new entry at number 14, Cara Malone! The strains of 'No Half Measures' began. Jools and I screamed and we hugged and jumped up and down together all the way through the song. A top 20 record! I couldn't believe it. The phone began to ring. It was Claire first. I squealed down the phone at her and she squealed back. She congratulated me and said she couldn't wait to see me on Top of the Pops. I told her that I didn't think we would get a play for number 14. Then it was each of the band in turn. We were all delighted. Eventually a rather grumpy Simon got through. I think he was miffed at it having taken him so long to get through to me. However he soon mellowed and offered his congratulations too. He said that it should be easy to line up a few more radio slots this week, maybe even a signing opportunity in one of the main record stores. I went to bed that evening feeling even more exhausted than after our travels this past week. It wasn't physical tiredness, it was more that I felt emotionally drained. It felt good though.
 

*          *          *
 
The week was another blur of being driven from place to place and being asked the same questions in each location. I was not so nervous about it now and was getting used to it. I had my little answers imprinted in my mind so I could almost do it on autopilot. The Top of the Pops line-up is decided on a Monday night and as I expected, we weren't featuring.

Wednesday brought something quite different. Virgin Megastore not only wanted me to come for a signing session of the new single, but they wanted us to play the song live in the store. This was something they often did as a publicity measure. And so we found ourselves in the Oxford Street store early on Wednesday evening. The guys were quite excited by all this and as usual had pulled out all the stops on the image and outfit department. Not! I had spent a fair part of the afternoon getting myself ready. After chatting with Jools, we decided we should try and do something close to the look I wore in the video. Only not quite as explicit. Anyway, I didn't own a white leather bustiere. I wore a cropped white T-shirt that exposed my lower abdomen and new body jewellery, my short black leather skirt, stockings and black boots. I put myself through the tedium of using the hair straighteners again and spent an inordinate amount of time on my makeup. Simon had wanted me to come to the makeup and wardrobe department at Sony to prepare, but I was adamant that I could dress myself and do my own makeup. I figured that the sooner he figured this out, the sooner I would be left alone. I was quite pleased with the overall effect.

The joy of being the so-called star is that I didn't have to turn up earlier with the guys and make sure the equipment was set up alright and check the sound on the P.A. Instead I got to make an entrance in the standard black limo. There was a small crowd on the pavement and in the store. I did not really think they were all diehard fans. These sorts of events drew interest no matter who it was that was turning up to play. However it was very strange and quite exciting to have all these people cheer as I got out of the car. I smiled and waved as I was ushered into the store.

As I stepped up onto the little stage, I winked at the boys and then whispered to Jon, "I know we're only supposed to do 'No Half Measures', but what you say we give them an extra treat? How about we throw in 'Simply Say' too?" He grinned and nodded. As I turned to the microphone, Jon leaned back to Kevin who then passed the word on to Noel and then Brian.

"Good evening Oxford Street!" I called out. More cheers. "My name is Cara Malone and I reckon you're thinking 'Cara who?'. No matter. I hope to give you something to remember me by. This is my first single. It's called 'No Half Measures'."

And so we did it. It was almost effortless as we knew it back to front, yet we had the edge of the live performance giving it that extra little something. I was certainly nervous and I was sure the rest of the guys must have been too. It was smooth and slick and we had no sooner finished than Jon counted us in again. The bass and drums started off and then Noel did the sax line on the keyboard as Jon entered the fray. I had set my guitar down and took the mike in my hand. I could see some of the Virgin staff looking a little perturbed. This was not part of the plan.

I smiled as I started to sing and I let myself go and enjoyed the feel of this song as much then as I had when I had first sung it.
 
 

"To call you up, and ask you now  If you know why I feel this way  It feels both wrong and right somehow  And I just don't know how to say  The words I'm feeling in my heart  But am afraid to believe they're true  To open up and make a start,  And simply say that I love you."

 
 
As the last chorus finished the guys ended on a jazzy 7th chord and the crowd's cheers soon drowned the fading notes from our instruments.

"Thank you so much. We'd love to stay and play all night, but I'm getting dirty looks from the manager. Good night!"

We stepped off the stage and the manager instead of giving the aforementioned dirty looks came over and laughed as he shook my hand. He complimented me on our performance and led me over to the table where I was to do the signing. A queue was already forming. Record signing sessions are a symbiotic affair which benefits the artist and the store in obvious ways. I was surprised by the amount of people wanting not only to buy the single, but wanting my autograph. I tried to find something to say to each of them. Most had something to say to me. The girls were more effusive. Most of the younger guys seemed a bit tongue-tied I thought. After about an hour, the line finished and I was glad as I was getting cramp in my hand. I walked back over to the rest of the guys, "It's OK for you lot. You get to hang out and chat to the fans. I get to do all the dirty work."

Jon laughed, "It's you they came to see anyway, not us. Some of those boys were practically drooling."

I grinned, "I did notice the way a few of the girls were getting these dreamy looks on their face when they looked at you too."

He flushed a little and couldn't stop himself from giving a little smile.
 

*          *          *
 
Although Jools and I sat and watched Top of the Pops on Friday night, I only featured in the countdown as our new entry at 14 was announced with my promotional picture on screen. "Look, you're on TV!" Jools teased. I didn't rise to it.

Sunday evening was a different kettle of fish. I had been tense all day long and even a little irritable. Whilst I was thrilled with getting a Top 20 single, I was heart scared of it dropping like a stone this week. We switched on the radio at five and each number counted down was reassuring as we didn't make an appearance. When the countdown had moved from 40 to 30, I had a terrible thought. "What if we've dropped out of the Top 40 altogether?"

"Rubbish!" Jools said emphatically, "That's not going to happen."

Time seemed to slow down as I willed the countdown to move faster. It reached number 20 and still we hadn't been mentioned. Each place counted now seemed to take an eternity. It came to 14 and it wasn't us! I looked at Jools, "Either we've dropped like a lead balloon...or we've moved up."

We weren't at 13, or 12 or 11. My breathing was shallow and my heart beat was almost drowning out the radio as it moved into the Top 10. We weren't at 10 or 9 and then at number 8, "Moving up 6 places is the debut single from Cara Malone, 'No Half Measures'". They didn't play the song this week, but I didn't care. "Top 10, Top 10!" Jools was shouting and I laughed and felt moisture running down my cheeks.

I laughed, "Darn it, look at me, I'm crying." The phone then did not stop ringing for the rest of the evening. I talked a bit longer to Claire this time.

"Do Mum and Dad know?" I asked.

"Have you told them?"

"Umm, no."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I don't know. Will they be interested?"

Claire laughed, "Of course they are. I was on the phone to them just before calling you. Although they won't admit as much, I think deep down they are proud. I'm not saying that all their hang ups are gone. Not by a long shot, but they do care. You really should keep in touch with them more. It's the only way to improve things."

"Yes miss," I said meekly.

She laughed and chided me and then we chatted on for a while longer. After chatting to most of the rest of the guys, the consensus was that we would have a fair shot at getting a play on this week's Top of the Pops. The next evening Simon phoned and it seemed we were right. It wasn't a live performance, but they wanted to play the video. Simon was delighted as he said it would increase my exposure. I quipped that having seen the video, I could assure him that I didn't feel I could increase my exposure any further. He also thought that MTV might add the video to their playlist this week which would do our cause no harm either.

The ensuing week was fairly hectic and was basically more rounds of radio slots. We were in Birmingham one day, Newcastle upon Tyne the next and Bristol the day after. It was getting a little tedious and I asked Simon if I had to this over and over again with each single. I was quite relieved when he said it would not be as intense with subsequent releases. The first single was very important. Once I was better known, the incessant round of personal interviews would not be as vital.

Jools had decided we would have a 'Top of the Pops' party at her place on Friday night. Who was I to stand in her way when she had a plan? She invited the entire band and told them to feel free to bring someone if they wanted. Brian of course was going to bring Laura which I was delighted about. Jon was going to bring Tanya, which I was less than delighted about. However, as Jools pointed out, it would be interesting to meet her. I remained to be convinced.
 

*          *          *
 
By Friday our place was coming down with snacks, nibbles and a not insignificant amount of alcohol. Neither of us were up to much in the culinary department so we were sticking to simple freezer-to-microwave-to-plate options. We had told everyone to come at seven p.m. so that we should all be ready for Top of the Pops starting at seven thirty. Simon had phoned the previous day and had wanted me to do yet another radio slot on Friday afternoon and I had refused. He seemed put out and wanted to know why not. I told him about the party and that I would need the time on Friday afternoon to get ready. With a degree of incredulity he said he couldn't believe that amount of time would be required. I smirked to myself and asked if he thought I would need to take Friday morning off as well to be sure. He persisted and I eventually had to tell him I had a doctor's appointment just after lunch anyway. Which was true.

"Oh," he paused, "err, is everything OK?"

I grinned at my end of the phone and used the line that was guaranteed to bring the questioning to a halt, "Oh yes, just women's problems you know."

He didn't know and he didn't want to. Being honest, I still didn't really know what women meant when they used that line, but I was beginning to suspect that it might not have any specific meaning and was solely used to shut enquiring males up. Whatever the truth of the matter, it worked in my favour. There was no more talk of radio slots on Friday afternoon.

Just after lunch on Friday, Dr. Carson called me into her rooms. "Hello Cara, you're looking well."

"Hi Dr. Carson, I'm feeling pretty good."

She laughed, "I can imagine why. I'm not quite too old to stop following what goes on the current music scene. Congratulations!"

I grinned, "Thanks." We chatted a little about the recording, the single and all that had been going on. She asked if I had been having any problems with the hormones or anything else. I made a little quip about moodiness but then shook my head and assured that everything was fine.

She hesitated and looked down at my chart sitting in front of her, "Cara, I do have some blood results which I think are important."

"Oh heavens," I blurted, "don't tell me my HIV test was positive."

Dr. Carson shook her head emphatically, "Oh no Cara. Not at all. Forgive me, I didn't think. No, your test was negative as expected. I would have contacted you sooner otherwise."

I felt foolish and grinned ruefully, "Sorry, guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Go on with what you were saying."

She nodded, "It was about your baseline hormone profile tests I took. I repeated them the last time you were here as well just to be sure."

I was quite apprehensive and interrupted, "Is everything OK?"

"Yes, what I'm about to tell you is not a problem in your case, but it is very enlightening. Have you ever heard of a condition called Testicular Feminisation? Otherwise known as Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome?" The blank look on my face gave her the answer. "No I didn't think you would have. Basically, in its full blown form, the patient appears to be a girl, but is genetically male. The body doesn't respond to the testosterone produced and the body's own natural oestrogens cause them to develop more as a female. With me so far?"

I nodded slowly, "I think so."

She continued, "There is variable penetrance though, I mean it can vary in how severe its effects are. I believe you have Incomplete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. Your blood tests in keeping with other things suggest so: a raised testosterone level, raised oestradiol level and increased pituitary gonadotrophic hormones. Sorry, I know that may not mean much to you."

I was baffled and finding it hard to process all of this, "Umm, but didn't you say the patient appears to be a girl in this condition? I am, I mean I was a man."

She nodded and explained carefully, "Yes. But that's why I think you have an incomplete version of the syndrome." She paused and chose her words carefully, "I'm imagining that you were never the most...manliest of men? Not too much body hair. And, sorry to say this, I know you are not overdeveloped in the lower regions."

I grinned wryly, "You're right on all counts." I rubbed my forehead, "Take me through this again, does this mean I'm really a girl?"

She looked at me, "I presume you mean genetically? No, you are genetically male. But what it does explain is how sensitive you were to the initial hormone dosage and the development that just seemed to explode after you started taking them. Your body's own male hormones were ineffective and so the large dose of female hormone was completely unopposed. It also explains perhaps how you come to look as lovely as you do today. Your features were probably fairly androgynous before you began your transition."

It did make a lot of sense to me and I thought it also explained my strong female voice. "Is this a problem Doctor?"

She smiled, "Normally it could be a problem. However in your case, I think this is more of a blessing, wouldn't you agree?"

I grinned and shrugged, "I suppose as I sit here today in front of you as I am, I am living proof of that fact."

Dr. Carson smiled and nodded, "I think it has made your path a lot easier than it could have been. Normally in transitions like yours we have to prescribe an androgen blocker, but you have no need of it."

"How did I get this?"

"It's a rare genetic condition, X-linked. Which means you inherited a recessive, or dormant, gene from your mother."

I chuckled, "I sort of look like my mother now, so I guess I have her to thank for my looks in more ways than one."

We chatted about a few other things and Dr. Carson told me that I should get appointments to see the psychologist and psychiatrist in the coming weeks. Not something to look forward to in my opinion. As she was very satisfied with my current situation, she said I should make an appointment to come back in about four months.
 

*          *          *
 
Jools and I fought over bathroom rights that afternoon as both of us were trying to get ready at the same time. We were so focussed that I even forgot to fill her in on the news I had got from Dr. Carson. I really wanted to make myself look extra special for the evening. I told myself it was because it was expected of me in my newfound successful role. However, I didn't believe that for a minute. My real motive was baser and I was a little ashamed to think about it. I was amazed at how good a luxurious bath, hair wash and leg shaving session can make you feel. To think I had missed out on all this for so long? However, I was also amazed at how long it now took me to get ready for anything. Every silver lining has a cloud I reckoned. I shimmied into a strapless little black dress that I had bought the previous week and checked out my appearance. It looked good on me, but I thought I could do better. So I slipped out of it and reached into my closet to bring out my old friend, the corset. I had not worn it for some time and it took bit of getting used to again. I laced it tighter and tighter over the course of the next half hour as I did my make up. I did not cut any corners in that department either. Not too tarty, not too much, but certainly noticeable.

When I reached the compromise point between having as narrow a waist as possible and retaining the ability to entrain enough air with each breath to remain conscious, I slipped the dress back on. It made a definite difference. Almost too much and I considered taking the corset off again. Not only was my waist pencil thin, but my breasts were lifted up even further and more cleavage than ever before was displayed. I wavered with indecision and looked at myself this way and that before eventually deciding that I looked good and there was nothing indecent about my appearance. I loved the look of the strapless dress although it felt so strange to have nothing covering my arms or shoulders at all. Sheer black silk stockings and a pair of five inch heels completed the outfit. Well almost. A fine silver chain with a tiny heart-shaped pendant, matching bracelet and drop pendant earrings and I was done. I stood in front of the mirror and was quite stunned at the overall effect. I smirked to myself as I muttered, "See what you're missing..." I shook my head and berated myself. I was going to have to make a conscious effort to have a better attitude.

It was not helped by Jools. When she saw me, she grinned lasciviously and raised her eyebrows, "Well well, I see someone is out to reclaim the lost ground tonight. The opposition doesn't stand a chance."

"Jools!" I protested, "I'm trying not to think about it like that."

She gave me that knowing look, "Could have fooled me."

I tried to change the subject, "I doubt anyone could do that, and what about you? Out to impress if I am not mistaken?"

She looked very well. A low cut black satin blouse with a white leather skirt. I did not think such an outfit would look good on me at all. However Jools was different in so many ways and on her it looked great. She could carry anything off if she put her mind to it.

She laughed, "Always be prepared for you never know what opportunities might present tonight."

It was just before six p.m. and we did a last tidy up and then got the plates and glasses out, and got the oven on to heat up the snacks.
 

*          *          *
 
Brian and Laura were the first to arrive just before seven. We hugged and exchanged greetings. Laura looked fabulous. She was wearing a short white dress.

"You look wonderful," I said as I took her coat from her.

She grinned and flushed a little, "Thanks. But hey, look at you." She took me aside and whispered, "Guaranteed to catch the attention."

I sighed and rolled my eyes and couldn't help but smile, "Not you as well."

Kevin arrived by himself looking, well looking exactly as he always did. "Hey no-one said this was a dressy affair," he complained.

Noel was hot on his heels and had a girl with him. "Umm everyone this is Karin." He did the reciprocal introductions. Karin was tall and thin. Blonde haired, not natural I thought. She seemed a little aloof and I found it hard to warm to her. I didn't know that Noel was seeing anyone, but to be honest I would be glad if he was. I was too often aware of his eyes on me when he thought I was not looking.

Just before half past seven Jon and a girl whom I presumed was Tanya arrived. I opened the door and smiled, "Hi, thought you weren't coming."

He grinned, "Wouldn't miss it." He awkwardly gave me a little hug and stepped back, "Cara this is Tanya Redwood. Tanya, Cara Malone."

She was just a little smaller than I was; she was slim and had mousy brown shoulder length hair. She was pretty. Not as good looking as I was, I thought. Damn! I pushed my bitchy side back down inside myself. Such a lack of modesty was not a becoming feature either I told myself.

I smiled warmly and gave her a little hug, "Hi Tanya, delighted to meet you. Come on in. I would love to say that Jon has told me so much about you, but he hasn't. It's great to finally meet you and we'll have to get to know each other tonight."

She seemed a little overwhelmed as I brought her in and did a quick round of introductions. There was no time for any further conversation and Jools hushed everyone as Top of the Pops was starting. She turned down the lights and turned up the sound. I squeezed onto the sofa between Laura and Kevin. I knew we wouldn't be on for a while and I tried to stop myself from fidgeting impatiently. I think Laura noticed as she reached over and giggled, "Can't wait to see yourself on TV?" I laughed and reddened.

Just before they did the final Top 10 countdown it was our song! The Radio 1 D.J. introduced it, "Moving up 6 places from number 14 to number 8 is the debut single from newcomer Cara Malone. This is 'No Half Measures' and I'm sure you'll agree that the title is fitting when you see the video..." The video rolled. I had seen it before, but it was a scary feeling that across the nation people were watching me on TV. It was professionally done and I was proud of it. However I did feel a little self conscious as the moment approached for me to come strutting out of the dressing room. As the video showed this, I heard a few whistles around the room.

"Alright, alright, keep your hats on," I muttered in a feigned tone of annoyance. I got a few jeers for my trouble. It was Jools' voice that I picked out the most clearly too! When it finished the D.J. wiped his brow, "Phew! Follow that! I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Cara Malone...if that is possible." My face was bright scarlet as he did the final rundown before the number one single was introduced.

We didn't even listen to it. Jools turned up the lights and switched off the TV. She stood and applauded me and everyone else joined in. I laughed and stood up and did a mock curtsey.

"Seriously, that's enough. I don't deserve it all. You guys are the best and I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for a lot of what you all have done. Now as much as I am supposed to love the limelight, I don't really, so let's eat!"

That certainly met with general approval and we brought out the eats and the guys started serving some drinks. I found a glass of wine in my hand which got filled again too soon after I finished the first glass. The atmosphere was relaxed and everyone seemed glad to be able to wind down. Jon was chatting animatedly to Noel about something or other. Karin listened in, looking bored out of her skull. I suspected they were talking about recording nuances as Jon and Noel definitely won the prize for techno trivia. If that was the case, I actually felt sympathy for cool Karin as I had been subjected to many an involved technical discussion over the past number of weeks. Laura and Brian predictably had eyes only for each other. I smiled as I watched them. They were really good together and I hoped things would work out for them. Kevin was laughing at something Jools was telling him. He made a good audience and that was something Jools always liked.

I noticed Tanya come back from the bathroom and she looked a little lost. I knew I should make the effort. Truth be told, she did seem like a nice girl, my irrational prejudices aside. "Tanya, over here," I waved.

She smiled gratefully and sat down beside me. I grinned, "A bit overwhelming isn't it? I'm afraid with all the time cooped up in a recording studio over the last few weeks, we can seem a little cliquish."

She nodded, "Everyone's very friendly though. By the way, I do love your song. I think it's great and I'm not just saying that."

I waved a hand, "Thanks, I appreciate it."

She raised her eyebrows, "And that video? You looked absolutely fantastic in it."

I laughed and shrugged, "You're saying all the right things, but enough about me, tell me about yourself."

She was a bit self-conscious, but started to tell me about herself. She was indeed an estate agent, as Jon had said. She apologised for this and said she knew how boring that must be compared to what we did. I laughed and told her she should have seen how bored I was at many times in the past month. We got on to the subject that we had in common, Jon. I didn't bring him up, honest. She asked me how long we had known one another and I talked a bit about school and then the past few years. Of course, I omitted the inconsequential fact that we had been friends as two males.

I asked her how long they had been seeing each other and she smiled embarrassedly and told me it was about a month now. I could see that she was very taken with him and she would keep casting little glances his way. Despite all my previous ambivalence, I found that I warmed to her. I actually liked her and I could see what Jon saw in her. As I realised this, I did feel a little sorrowful self pity. I mentally shook myself. Here I was, enjoying success with friends. This wasn't a time to be maudlin. I would be proven so wrong sooner than I could possibly have known.

I got up to get another drink and as I was pouring a glass of mineral water, having already had 3 glasses of wine, Jon came to get a glass of water too.

"Thanks," he said softly.

"Mmm? What for?"

He shrugged, "For being nice to Tanya and chatting to her. It means a lot to me that you both get along. I was worried that..." He trailed off.

"Worried that what?"

He laughed, "What with coming here tonight, Tanya was feeling a little overawed. Meeting you in particular."

I patted him on the arm, "We've had a good girl talk session and I've filled her in on all the dirt on you, so don't worry. We'll get along fine."

The look on his face was priceless as he tried to work out if I was winding him up, but we were interrupted by Jools shouting.

"For heavens sakes turn the music off, the phone's ringing."

Someone obliged as Jools grabbed the cordless receiver. Of course, she now had all the attention.

"Hello?" "No this is Jools." "Oh hi Claire," Jools nodded to me. "What? Yes she's here, I'll just get..."

The smile fled from Jools' face and I could see her visibly pale. "Yes Claire, I understand, I'll get her for you now."

She walked over to me with a pained look in her eyes, "Cara, come with me and we'll take this in your room." She held onto the receiver and took a firm hold of my arm.

"What is it?" I asked with growing concern as she led me away.

Jools swallowed and hesitated, "It's your mother..."

---