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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-17. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

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Chapter 21
 
 
I slept in the next morning and I think it was about 11 a.m. when I dragged my sleepy form out of my bedroom in search of the elixir of caffeine. I was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and half eaten piece of toast for company when Jools came in from outside. She'd been shopping for some groceries and greeted me cheerily, "Morning Cara, good night last night?"

I forced a smile, "Yes, not bad." I swirled the remaining contents of my coffee mug and contemplated whether or not to grab a second cup.

"Are you listening to me?" Jools asked pointedly.

"Huh?" I said, which probably answered her question clearly enough.

She sighed, "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?"

I grinned apologetically, "Umm, I guess not."

She sat down opposite me, "OK, out with it."

"Out with what?"

"What is eating you?"

I shrugged, "Nothing really, just tired."

She gave me the 'don't give me that crap' look and I sighed. "OK, well it's sort of awkward..." I paused. I didn't really know what to say or how to say it, but I related the events of the previous night to her and told her something about my equivocal feelings. Jools for all her dynamism and energy was actually a very good listener when she had to be. I suppose it came with the job as she had to massage the egos of her clients and be sympathetic to their various tales of woe.

"How do you feel now?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and downed the last dregs of my coffee before replying. "Confused. Puzzled. Afraid?"

Jools shimmied her chair round closer to mine and put a hand on my shoulder, "Afraid? Whatever for?"

I shrugged and somehow the tears switch was flipped. I don't know where it came from because I never used to have such a switch, but now it seemed that at random and unexpected times this switch, wherever it was, would be flipped and the tears would start immediately. Jools hugged me and reached for a tissue for me. I wiped my eyes and tried to regain control of myself. "I don't know what's wrong with me," I said. "I just feel all mixed up." I looked up at her and dabbed my eyes again, "I just worry about where I fit in and how things will end up."

Jools sat there holding me for a few minutes before saying anything. Then she turned me towards herself and made me look at her. She spoke gently but with purpose, "Listen to me Cara Malone. You are on a journey of self-discovery. I don't know where it will end and you don't know. But one thing I know is that you are a beautiful and talented young woman who has the world at her feet. I know that is frightening, but this is life. None of us know what the future holds, it is scary. Granted, you have had a more marked period of change recently, but do you doubt who you are?"

I thought about her words. Who am I? She was right. I smiled at her, "I know who I am, I'm Cara Malone."

Jools paused again before asking another question, "Would you want to be anyone else?"

I shook my head, and tried to lighten the mood, "Hell no!"

We smiled and hugged and she whispered in my ear, "Be who you are and let the future work itself out around you."

I sat back and began awkwardly, "Jools, listen thanks..."

She interrupted me with a chuckle, "No no no. Don't do this. I don't want to join you in hormone driven tearful land." We laughed and hugged again. I felt a little more relaxed and we sat and chatted about the band. I expressed some of my frustrations to Jools and the worries I had about getting the energy from the music that it needed. We talked about the different band members and their strengths and weaknesses. Jools looked thoughtful and she was getting that dreaded look in her eyes.

"Uh oh, Jools what are you thinking?"

She smiled at me, "Oh, I was just thinking of an idea to help you all focus on getting the energy right and the like."

"What is it Jools?" I asked as I started to get worried.

"Don't worry, let me think this through and see what I can do."

Now I was very worried indeed, but no amount of pushing or prodding her would make her open up and tell me what she was scheming.
 

*          *          *
 
We had been practising for about an hour or so on Monday morning before Jools interrupted us. I was grateful for the interlude as things were moving on very slowly and painfully. After what had seemed like some progress at the end of the previous week, it was as if we were back to square one.

"How goes the music making?" Jools asked brightly.

None of the others, except Jon, really knew Jools that well and so to them she was 'the manager'. And they responded like school children caught by the teacher.

"Pretty good," Kevin nodded enthusiastically from behind his drum kit. "Yeah, grand," offered Noel as he slouched over his keyboard. "Umm, OK," said Brian. Jools looked at me and with my back to the band, I rolled my eyes at the responses from the others, "Hey Jools."

She smiled, "Hi Cara." She returned her attention to the whole group, "I'm glad practising is going well, that's just what I needed to hear..." She let her statement hang there in the air, like a juicy worm on the hook at the end of a line. I made like a fish and took the bait.

"And why is that Jools?" I barely managed to veil the concern in my voice.

She grinned at us all and clapped her hands, "Because Friday night you have your first gig in 'The Den'." She looked around as if for applause. None was forthcoming. I knew 'The Den'; it was a mid sized club in the East End. They quite often had bands in on the weekend and whilst they didn't have the most discerning audience in the world, the standard was usually fairly good.

"Jools!" I protested, "What on earth do you think you are doing?"

She blinked as if surprised, "Why, I'm doing my job. That's what managers do."

I walked over and taking her by the arm, walked her out of the room, and when we were out of earshot hissed, "What are you playing at? There's no way we are anywhere nearly ready to play a gig. We suck, and I mean really suck. Didn't I just tell you all about this like two only days ago? Are you out of your mind?"

She smiled at me and I began to wonder if she really was losing it. She shook her head, "No I'm perfectly sane and rational. I heard what you said about things not coming together and I thought that you just needed a focus to help refine your talents."

"And this is your solution?" I asked with a degree of exasperation.

She grinned, "Neat, isn't it?"

I sighed, "Tell me you are joking. Tell me that it's all a ruse so that we pull our socks up. I'll go in there and maintain the pretence and see if it helps."

She laughed and shook her head, "Oh it's no joke. Cara Malone is taking the stage at nine o'clock this Friday night for a one hour set."

"I really can't believe you have done this Jools." I stormed off back into the room in a foul mood and from the looks on the guys' faces when I entered, I was not doing a good job of hiding it.

"Right," I said tersely, "she's not joking. And I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we suck. I don't know why the hell we do as we are all talented musicians. But we are going on stage this Friday night and I sure as hell don't want to make a fool of myself. And I don't want anyone else making a fool of me either. So we need to wise up and get our act together. From now on, no messing around, no fouling up, we get it right and double fast. We need to play every song as if we had an audience of thousands watching. Anyone got any questions?" I put my hands on my hips and dared them to ask. No-one did.

We rearranged the room a little at Jon's tentative suggestion to make it more like a stage setting. The way he offered his suggestion to me almost made me laugh as it looked as if he was afraid to open his mouth. We had Kevin at the back of the room with Noel and his keyboards just in front. I was centre 'stage' with my guitar and mike, Brian to my left with his bass and Jon on the right with guitar. I got him to set up a mike stand for himself despite his protests. "It's time for vocal harmony," I said abruptly, "and I know you can sing, so you're elected." I turned and fixed my eye on Brian, "Can you sing?"

He looked like the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights and didn't answer for a moment. I was running low on patience and prompted, "Well? Can you?"

He shifted uncomfortably and began hesitantly, "Well, maybe a little, but I don't know about..."

I interrupted, "Good enough for me, grab a mike and stand for yourself too and let's see what we can do." He looked as if he was going to protest but it died in his throat before ever being vocalised. He duly set up another mike and stand.

I turned round to face them all, "Alright, no messing about. Let's do it and the first one to mess up has to answer to me. Got it?" The nods from the rest of the room indicated that they had. "Good. No Half Measures, from the top: one, two, three, four." And so we kicked into it. At first I thought it was sounding pretty good, but as we moved into the first chorus I realised I had been wrong.

It sounded damn good! Whereas before it was lifeless and anaemic, now it was vibrant, passionate and gripping. I know I put more into my rhythm guitar and belted out the vocals as if my life depended on it. Jon went for it in the guitar solo and slightly overdid it as he hit a few bum notes. He saw my baleful eye fixed on him and mouthed 'Sorry' at me. I couldn't help but grin and turned back to sing the last chorus. We brought the song to a close on its final power chord and it was inch perfect. There was a brief moment of silence

"Was that cool or what," Kevin enthused.

Noel swore in agreement, "Bloody right!"

I turned round, "Gentlemen, one song doesn't make a set. Or an album; we've a long way to go." They murmured sheepish apologies. I didn't really want to dampen their enthusiasm, but I didn't want us to lose the edge that we had had for the first song, so I maintained the outward impression of 'aloof bitch' as Jools was later to christen it.

We ran through the rest of the songs and although we weren't note perfect, we had an energy that we had not had before. I felt the buzz of playing live music that had been absent for most of our time together. The others felt it too. We took a very short break for lunch as we were all keen to maximise the time we had. We worked on some vocal harmonies for part of the afternoon. 'You make my skin crawl', 'Not dancing, but flying', 'Coming home' and 'I just wanna be me' didn't require any backing vocals we decided. So we focussed on 'No half measures', 'Living life in colour' and 'Nine years old again'. Brian and Jon both had decent voices and as they both had a good ear for a melody, it wasn't too difficult. We did take some time with me on the piano and them standing round to fine tune the backing vocal lines. Before breaking for the day, we did one last run through of the songs from start to finish. It was tight, it was exhilarating, and it was exciting.

When we were done, I turned round and smiled, "Thanks guys, good work today. Sorry for being a bit sharp earlier. I think we did good today." They all shrugged off my earlier attitude and the day ended on a much higher and happier note than the one on which it had began. As usual, Jon was the last to leave.

"Was I too harsh earlier?" I asked with concern.

He laughed, "Nah. It was what we needed. A good kick up the backside and it seemed to do the trick. You should do it more often. You know..."

He looked like he had been about to say something else so I pressed him, "What were you going to say?"

He shrugged, "Oh nothing."

"No go on."

He laughed self-consciously, "I was just going to say that you should be careful when you get into that forceful 'take-no-crap' mood."

"Why?" I asked.

He grinned awkwardly, "You have no idea how attractive you appear when you are angry." He winked.

I laughed and blushed all at the same time. I was a little thrown by his comment and tried to recover, "Oh and I thought you were immune to my charms."

He nodded, "Yeah that's right, I was forgetting that. It's the other guys I was worried about."

Later that evening I buttonholed Jools. "That was your intention all along wasn't it? Put the fear of God into us and hope it did the trick?"

She laughed, "That just about sums it up yes."

"So is there really a gig?"

She smiled, "Yes there is, it had to be real to work. I thought about just bluffing you, but decided it had to be real."

I grinned, "You're something else! What if it doesn't work? What if we make a hash of it on Friday?"

"Oh I don't think you could let that happen, do you?"

She was right. I hadn't been as fired up on adrenaline for a long time. In a sense, landing the record deal had taken a lot of pressure off. Yes we were going to have to go and record in the studio, but that didn't create an immediate stress. Jools was a lot smarter than a lot of people gave her credit for. I knew how to play the music, but she knew how to play the people.
 

*          *          *
 
The practising continued to be fruitful over the next few days and we were definitely beginning to play like a band rather than a group of disjointed musicians. The empathy that Jon and I had enjoyed seemed to spread to the whole group. There was that sense of anticipated knowledge where we knew where each of us was going and where any of us would be at any one time. More to the point, we were enjoying the music which was a relatively new experience for us all.

I did find that things seemed to move along better if I maintained a little aloofness and created the impression that I would be none too impressed with any messing up. From the way Brian and Kevin tiptoed around me, I almost began to think they were afraid of me. Noel was a different kettle of fish: he was brash, confident and little seemed to faze him. At times I nearly lost my façade as I would spot Jon out of the corner of my eye grinning at me and giving a sly wink when I launched on a mini tirade. I think he knew I was playing it up, but he didn't give me away.

Not only did we get the songs I had written practised to perfection, but we worked on a few cover versions to add to the set for Friday night: 'Show me heaven', Sheryl Crow's 'All I wanna do' and Nina Simone's 'My baby just cares for me'. I loved the jazziness of the latter and we really were beginning to get a good sound going.

On top of that, we actually got a few new songs underway. It was funny the way it happened. Jon told me to go take a break for a while on Wednesday afternoon. My voice was croaking a little and despite my protests, he insisted. Truth be told, I was happy to go upstairs and grab a drink and lie down for a few moments. Of course I fell fast asleep on the sofa. I don't know how long I was asleep for, but I awoke as I felt someone touch my hand. I blinked and looked up. It was Jon. He was sitting on the edge of the sofa.

"Sorry," he said, "you looked so peaceful there. I almost didn't want to disturb you."

I blinked a few more times and sat up, "It's OK, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

He grinned, "I was wondering since you were doing the sleeping beauty thing if I was going to have to kiss you to wake you up."

I laughed, "Yeah, but that would only work if you were Prince Charming."

He held his other hand to his chest, "Ouch!"

I chuckled, "Come on, help me up." He pulled me to my feet and we headed downstairs. Before we entered the room where the band was, we could overhear some of the exchange taking place therein.

"Come on, he's so got the hots for her," Kevin's voice.

"I dunno guys, I hear they've just been friends for a while," added Brian.

"How could he not have the hots for her? I mean come on, open your eyes and look at her," obviously Noel.

I shared a rueful grin with Jon and he just rolled his eyes as he led the way into the room. "Hope we're not interrupting anything important," he said with a sardonic tone. Kevin looked around guiltily, Brian shrugged and Noel smiled at us both, "Not at all, just waiting for our beautiful leader." He winked at me and I forced a smile.

"Sorry guys," I apologised, "I'm afraid I fell asleep up there."

"No problem Cara, you've earned it," said Kevin sincerely, his usual bounce and nervous energy now restored after the initial awkwardness of our entrance passed.

"Anyway," said Jon with a grin, "while you were sleeping, we were slaving away down here and we may have come up with a new song."

I gave him a poke, "Hey, I resent your implication. But go on, tell me more."

He shrugged, "I had a little riff I have been playing with the past few days and we sort of threw it around and toyed with it. Sounds pretty good. Want to hear it?"

"Sure I do!" I sat myself down on a chair as they assumed their positions.

Jon counted them in and it started with a mellow bass line, syncopated drumbeat and Noel playing a sax solo line on the keyboard. After a few bars, Jon joined in with sharp short chirpy chords on the guitar. He had a lot of chorus effect on it and it added to the overall mellowness of the sound. They ran through what was obviously the verse and then moved into a faster moving chord progression that I presumed was the chorus. I sat and enjoyed the sound. My foot was tapping away and I couldn't help but smile. There was a real soulful R & B feel to it and I liked it. It was a happy sound. Noel was playing a sweet Hammond organ line with his other hand and the occasional sax burst on the other keyboard. Jon led into a jazzy solo and Noel reprised it on the sax before they led the song up a key for the final chorus. They finished on a slow drawn out 7th chord.

"Well?" asked Jon expectantly. All eyes in the room were on me.

I forced a straight face and nodded nonchalantly, "Yeah I guess it sounds OK." I could see Jon's mouth beginning to open and I knew he was about to sound forth so I continued, "OK OK, I love it, it sounds great!" I winked at him and he threw his plectrum at me in mock anger.

"No seriously guys, I love the whole sound. It's a real feel good sound and I'm very impressed. How did you come up with it?"

Kevin shrugged, "Jon played the chords, I added the drums and everyone sort of added in their bit."

Jon nodded, "Yeah, I mean it sounds way different to what I had originally thought, but far better too."

"Great," I said, "so where are my words and what's the melody?"

Jon laughed, "Hey you have to do some of the work."

I grinned. I had thought as much. So I asked them to play through it again and again so I could really listen to it and see if anything came to me. They did so. I had the feeling of a song being just out of reach but the substance of it eluded me. After they had played it through several times, I stopped them and apologised. "Sorry, there's just nothing coming at the moment. I'll get the chords and work on it."
 

*          *          *
 
The next day started bright and clear and I met up with Kate as usual in the park for our morning ritual. Things had been a little uncomfortable at the start of the week after what had happened between us the previous Friday night. However I felt that we were getting back to normal and I was glad. I didn't want to lose one of the few new friends I had made. I think she felt the same way. After our run, we were chatting as usual.

"You OK?" she asked.

"Sure, I'm fine."

She looked away for a moment before looking back at me, "I mean about last week and all."

I smiled at her, "Kate, to be honest, I'm really flattered and in a way I'm sort of sorry I don't feel differently. I really value your friendship and don't want to lose it."

She sighed, "Thank heavens. I really thought I'd blown it. I was cursing myself all weekend and was hoping you would still show up this week. I just thought you seemed a little preoccupied this morning."

I nodded, "I guess I am. We've got our first gig tomorrow night and I'm a little nervous."

"Oh where is it?"

"Why?" I asked cautiously.

"'Cause I want to come and see you in action."

"No you don't. Now you are making me really nervous."

"No seriously, tell me. I'd really like to come."

I sighed, "OK. It's at 'The Den', in the East End. We're on about nine or so."

"I'll see you there."

"I hope you won't be disappointed."
 

*          *          *
 
Thursday's practice was uneventful, but productive. I really did think we were ready to go on stage and it was almost miraculous as I wouldn't have put any money on that bet at the start of the week. However as ready as I thought we were, I was still quite uptight at the prospect.

I couldn't sleep. I sighed as I watched two a.m. roll round on my bedside clock. I threw back the bedcovers and pushed my hair back from my eyes. I wandered over to the window and opened the curtains and sat down on the wide windowsill to look out over the city. I don't know if you have ever experienced it, but there is something strange about being up at night when most of the rest of the world around you is sleeping. It's almost as if you share a secret with the night that no-one else is in on. I don't quite know how my train of thought meandered on its way, but I got to thinking. That sort of deep and meaningful thinking that the busyness of the daily routine rarely affords you time for.

Things in my life had changed so much. Here I was sitting in a black silk nightie, aware of my breasts rising and falling with every breath I took, my silky smooth legs curled up under me and my long black hair tickling the bare skin at the top of my back. How had I got here? Did it really matter? I supposed not. What counted was that as I sat there looking out over the city lights that winked back at me, as I followed the tail lights of the occasional night driver on the road below, I felt at peace with myself. I think it was Marvin Gaye who said, "If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else." I believed he was right. The last few years I had been searching for peace outside of myself. I had been looking for it in outward circumstances and in what I wanted to happen. Now, it was different. I was happy with who I was. I had self worth and didn't need external things to validate who I was.

Despite all this though, there were things that were still unknown. Such is the nature of life. As my mind wandered on, it turned to thoughts of love. The craving of the human being for love is a mysterious urge. Some would say it is what sets us apart from animals. I wondered about what love I could find. I thought about Kate and what had taken place between us. I was sure that what I had done was right, yet my confidence was tinged with regret. I thought about Paul and the time we had spent together before Christmas, but I had to admit that although I had some feelings for him, it wasn't love. There was another thought beginning to surface in the recesses of my mind, but it was too painful or difficult for me to allow it to grow any further. For now, at least.

And just like that it can happen. Sometimes you can't force it, but it comes when you least expect it. And so I scrabbled around and found a pen and a scrap of paper. In the reflected glow from the streetlights outside I wrote as the feelings flowed into words on the page. When I was finished, I was almost shaking. It comes like that at times. I didn't know where it came from and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I wasn't sure that I could understand where it was coming from, but it had come nonetheless. Quietly in the semi-darkness, I sang through the words. I heard the chords of the new song in my head and the words meshed with them effortlessly.
 
 

"It's two o'clock in the morning, as I stare through the glass,  As the world outside goes to sleep, save for my thoughts I'm all alone,  I think if I sit here long enough, perhaps the feeling might just pass,  But in my heart of hearts I know it won't, and I reach for the phone:      To call you up, and ask you now  If you know why I feel this way  It feels both wrong and right somehow  And I just don't know how to say  The words I'm feeling in my heart  But am afraid to believe they're true  To open up and make a start,  And simply say that I need you.      Yet again I set it down, too afraid to make the call,  I sit and ponder what might be, until my mind goes numb,  Don't know what's the greatest fear: to fly high or low to fall,  But I feel it growing deep within, and know the time will come:      To call you up, and ask you now  If you know why I feel this way  It feels both wrong and right somehow  And I just don't know how to say  The words I'm feeling in my heart  But am afraid to believe they're true  To open up and make a start,  And simply say that I want you.      I wonder is a love so real, if it's never really voiced,  Yet inside my head the voices grow, 'til it sounds like a choir,  Demanding that I soon must act, I feel my eyes grow moist,  Steadily growing deep within, it's a never fading desire:      To call you up, and ask you now  If you know why I feel this way  It feels both wrong and right somehow  And I just don't know how to say  The words I'm feeling in my heart  But am afraid to believe they're true  To open up and make a start,  And simply say that I love you."

 
 
Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion of writing, the energy involved in the creative process and all that. Perhaps it was the reluctance to think through where what I had written had come from. Either way, I padded back to bed and fell into a deep sleep.
 

*          *          *
 
We had agreed to do one final run through on Friday morning and when everyone arrived, it was obvious that we were all a little keyed up, myself included. We got on with it though and did a straight run through our proposed set. We were going to open with 'No half measures' and close with 'I just wanna be me'. Things went fairly smoothly with only the odd little minor slip from someone here or there. When we were done we broke for coffee.

Jon sat down beside me and took a sip from his coffee, "So, any inspiration yet Cara?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the song we did the other day. Got any words for it yet?"

"Err yes, I guess so."

"Well why didn't you say so?" he asked.

"I didn't want to distract you all from the practice for tonight." This was only half the truth. I wasn't prepared to acknowledge the other half.

"Guys," Jon called, "Cara has got words for our song."

There was a general consensus that they definitely wanted to hear it so after we finished our coffees we headed back to our positions. I felt strangely nervous. It was almost like that feeling in your dreams of finding yourself in school wearing nothing but your underpants. I made a mental note that I would have to adjust that dream to wearing a bra and panties. It was the feeling of being open and exposed and I guess that comes with writing personal lyrics. "Now, I haven't really practised this much," I said, "so I don't know how it will sound. Go easy on me, OK?" They all promised so to do and Jon counted us in.

I sang tentatively at first, but as the song progressed I closed my eyes and poured my emotions and feelings into it. It felt and sounded good to me, but I didn't know how they would receive it. When we finished there was silence and nobody said anything. I wasn't sure what that meant. Did they think it was soppy tripe? Did they like it?

I laughed nervously, "OK somebody say something. I'm getting paranoid here."

Strangely it was Brian who was the first to find his voice, "That's amazing Cara. Really moving."

Kevin now found his voice and bounced on his stool, "Bloody brilliant Cara, really like you know."

Noel nodded and gave me the thumbs up, "Just the ticket honey."

I looked at Jon and raised an eyebrow, "Well Jon, you are the writer of the music, do the lyrics fit in OK?"

He tutted and shook his head, "Now you've given us a real problem."

I felt concerned and it must have shown. His face broke into a grin, "Because for a cracker song like this we are going to have to make room for it in our set tonight and get it better practised."

I pouted at him, "Jon Peters, you are going to pay for that."

He winked, "Whatever the price, it was worth it to see the look on your face."

We played it through several times and it just got better and better. We talked about it and decided that it would be a better song to finish with as it had a real 'end of the night' type feel to it. The combination of the feel good music and the emotional longing of the lyrics seemed to work. It was early afternoon and we called it a day. We were as ready as we were going to be.

"Thank goodness we are done," I said, "Gives me plenty of time to get ready for tonight."

"What do you mean?" puffed Kevin as he carried out his floor tom.

"It takes time for a girl to make herself look good...and to decide on what she is going to wear."

"Pfah!" said Noel, "You'd look fantastic in anything."

I smiled and reddened a little, "Thanks, but I'll make the effort nonetheless. Have you guys all put a little thought into your look and outfit for tonight?"

The shared guilty looks that passed amongst them answered my question for me. I sighed, "You guys have it easy."

Brian smiled, "No-one will be looking at us Cara; we're just content to stand in your shadow."

I rolled my eyes, "Typical men."

Brian had a small van and all the equipment was packed into it. The guys were going to get down early to get set up. I offered to help but was immediately told I would only be in the way. I was quite relieved. I never liked the equipment lugging part. Jon again was the last to leave.

"You OK?" he asked.

"Yep, I'm fine."

"Ready for tonight?"

"I'm a little nervous. You know, sort of first time on stage performing for real as, well you know, Cara."

He smiled, "You'll do great."

"Thanks. Couldn't do it without you all."

"Listen, about that song?"

"'Simply Say'?"

"Yeah, I mean how do you write that stuff?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's powerful, where do you get it from? You never wrote like that before."

I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess as clichéd as it sounds, I'm more in touch with my feelings now. I just sort of tap into what I feel inside and let it out."

"So where did this one come from? Who's it about?"

I laughed self-consciously, "Oh nothing or no-one in particular really. It's the product of a late night insomnia session and thinking too deeply about things."

"Well keep it up, it's fantastic."

"Thanks," I smiled broadly.

He reached down and gave me a quick hug that took me by surprise. "What's that for?"

He shrugged and picked up his guitar case, "It's a good luck hug for tonight. See you later."
 

*          *          *
 
When I went upstairs to the apartment I got a big surprise.

"Beth!" I squealed.

"Cara!" she squealed back and ran at me. We embraced warmly for a minute or so.

"It's so good to see you," I beamed at her.

"And you too! Let me look at you." She stood back and appraised me. "Girl you look fantastic, you really do."

I blushed and waved a hand at her, "Oh now, you have to say that. But what are you doing here?"

She grinned, "I heard that a certain young up and coming superstar was playing her first real gig tonight and I wasn't going to miss it. So I thought I'd pop up to the big smoke for the weekend."

I laughed, "Well, I'm not too sure about your reasons, but it's great to see you."

She grinned coyly, "And I hear you've ditched those expensive breast forms I went to all the trouble to get for you? Something you have to tell me eh?"

I laughed and we spent about an hour chatting and catching up as I told her all about what had been happening. She knew most of it as she and Jools were in touch regularly. That was one of the things I had learnt: when girls talked it wasn't just about the transfer of information like it was with guys. The talking itself and the communication were the important things, the factual content was secondary. Jools came in and found us giggling together like two schoolgirls.

"Surprised you have the time for such frivolity," she said with a wink, "I'd have thought you'd be up to your eyes getting yourself ready for tonight."

She was right. We had lost track of time. As it was dinner time, we grabbed a quick bite to eat before I began the process of preparing myself. In my case it was a very quick bite as I had no appetite whatsoever. I excused myself from the table and went to soak in the bath. I washed my hair and was heading back to my room wrapped in a towel when Beth called out, "Want any help Cara?"

"Do I ever! Thanks, yes Beth."

When we got into my room, I turned to her, "Hey, this is just an excuse to see my new breasts isn't it?"

Beth laughed and reddened a little, "Well now that you come to mention it...."

I sighed theatrically and grinned as I lowered my towel. Beth gasped, "Oh my goodness Cara, they're beautiful. So realistic."

I laughed, "They are real, believe me the pain was only too real."

She grinned, "You know what I mean. Is there even any scar?"

I bashfully lifted one of my breasts up, "It's supposed to be underneath it."

Beth inspected closely, "I'll be darned if I can see it. Good workmanship."

"Didn't come cheap," I said dryly.

"I can imagine. So, on to business. What are you going to wear?" Beth asked.

I groaned. We looked through my wardrobe and after a fair amount of discussion, we settled on a little black dress. Just off the shoulder, fairly low cut, figure hugging and above knee-length.

"Are you sure?" I murmured. "I mean it's very...."

"Very what?" Beth asked with a cheeky grin on her face.

"It's very sexy."

She laughed, "Then it matches well with the wearer. Sweetheart, you aren't going out there to look like a sack of potatoes."

I grinned ruefully, "I guess."

We decided to go all out, so it was corset time again. I hadn't been wearing it much recently as I had a fairly natural narrow waistline now. Well if hormone enhanced can be called natural that is. Beth tightened it viciously.

"Gah, I don't know if I'll have the breath to sing Beth if you tighten it much more."

She laughed, "You're out of practice; you'll have to wear it more often."

I slipped a pair of sheer black stockings onto my legs and attached them to the suspender belt. I pulled the dress on over my head and arranged it on my figure. Beth gave a low whistle, "Looking good."

She blow dried my hair for me and helped me style it. It looked really good, shiny and vibrant with a lot of body to it. I let her do my makeup for me. Why would I do it myself when I had a professional here in my room? As it was a night time outing and especially as I was going to be performing on stage, she didn't hold back at all. My eyes were neatly outlined with black eyeliner, she seemed to have used a whole tube of mascara on my lashes and my lips were ruby red. When she was finished, my nails matched my lips. I put my drop earrings into the lower holes in my ears and medium sized hoops in the upper holes. A pendant necklace that nestled in my bosom completed the ensemble. For shoes, we decided it had to be heels. I went with my five-inch heels. I wasn't planning on doing much dancing on stage. I wasn't planning on doing any actually.

I looked at myself in the mirror and could barely catch my breath. It had been a while since I had done myself up like this and Beth's help had certainly made a difference. I still couldn't get over how beautiful I looked.

"Well, happy?" Beth prompted gently.

I smiled tentatively, "Oh yes. Thank you so much."

Beth looked at me strangely, "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but Cara Malone - you were born to be a woman. When I look at you like this, I have no doubt of that fact."

I felt a strange mixture of emotion at her words, but the main one was pride. "Thanks," I murmured and made every conscious effort to keep my eyes dry.

We went out to the living room and Jools nearly dropped to the floor when she saw me, "My goodness Cara, look - at - you!" She sighed, "I knew I forgot something."

"What?" I asked.

She grinned, "The troupe of bodyguards to keep all the males in the audience away from you."

I stuck out my tongue at her and we all laughed.

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