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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-02-02. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

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Chapter 8
 
 
I woke some time after 11a.m. the next morning and, after languishing on in bed for a while, got up and had a relaxing shower. When I came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, I went into my bedroom and dropped the towel. I surveyed my body in the full length mirror. Over the past week or so, I had thought I had noticed some changes and I was right.

My skin did seem noticeably softer. Whether that was just the good care I was taking of it with the moisturising, or whether it was the hormones I didn't know. But more than that, my figure had changed. I had put on a little weight. This was not a bad thing given how scrawny I had been. I put that down to the good healthy eating over the last month. And my muscles were better toned which was undoubtedly a result of the exercise program that Beth had ruthlessly inflicted on us.

Also I had a really nice all over tan now and I had very visible tan lines which would not be going away in a hurry. I think I looked healthier than I had ever looked in my life. I certainly felt that way. But there were more changes. I wasn't wearing my corset yet I could see the definite shaping of a more feminine waistline and I wasn't sure if it was my paranoia, but I think my hips and bottom were fuller also. Another thing I had noticed was some discomfort under my breast forms. If I pressed the forms tighter against my skin, it was quite tender. I made a mental note to mention this to Beth or Jools.

I decided to try a more casual look that day. I dressed in a bra, no corset today, a simple white blouse and my pair of denim jeans over brown ankle boots. I kept my makeup simple and understated. I brushed my hair and tied it behind my head in a ponytail.

I surveyed my appearance in the mirror. I was very pleased. I had been worried that I had to dress ultra-feminine in skirts and dresses with lots of makeup in order to convincingly appear as a woman. But looking back at me in the mirror was evidently a pretty girl. The jeans were quite tight-fitting with some flaring at the bottoms of the legs. They looked very fetching. Whilst the crotch looked flat, it did feel a little uncomfortable, even though I was wearing my gaff to keep my privates out of harm's way. I popped my hoop earrings into my ears and the little diamond studs that Paul had given me into the other holes.

I went down to the kitchen to find Jools and Beth chatting over a cup of coffee. "Well at last the party girl decides to join us," Jools quipped.

I stuck my tongue out at her, "I need some coffee."

Beth poured me a cup and commented, "That's the first time I've seen you wearing your jeans. You know you look really good in them."

"Thanks," I replied with a smile as I eagerly took the proffered coffee from her. Still standing before them I continued, "Notice anything else different about me?"

Beth wrinkled her brow, "Oh new earrings?" She came over and looked at the diamond studs, "Very nice."

I nodded, "Well yes. Not what I meant but yes. Paul gave them to me as a present." As the whistles and comments started up I held up my hand, "Now leave that for a moment, all in good time. But do you notice anything else different about me? My figure?"

Jools shook her head, "No you look great as always. What are you getting at?"

I smiled, "I'm not wearing a corset today."

They both raised their eyebrows and Beth grinned, "Well where did you get that waist from then honey?"

I shrugged, "Well, I guess it's the hormones."

They both wanted to see. So although it was a little undignified, I unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them down my hips a little and lifted up my blouse. "My oh my," mused Jools, "you do indeed have your own waist now. Any other effects you've noticed?"

I explained about my skin being softer and that I thought my hips and bottom were fuller. They agreed but emphasised that they were by no means too big. I also mentioned about being a little tender under my breast forms. Jools nodded, "Hmm, well you have had them on for about a month now. It probably is time to remove the adhesive and give your skin a breather and we can check you out. Do that tonight?" I nodded my assent.

I sat down and helped myself to a croissant as I sipped my coffee. Then the inquisition began and my two interrogators made me recount every detail of the previous night. They roared with laughter as I told them about Paul's mother and her comments. And they smirked when I told them about all the men dancing with me. I became more hesitant as I came towards the details of the end of the evening.

"Well?" Jools prompted.

"Well what?" I replied.

She sighed, "Well, did he kiss you? Or do you want to keep such details to yourself."

I grinned and they both nodded. "He did kiss you," said Beth.

I nodded slowly, "Yes, he did. I sang one of my new songs for him and afterwards he kissed me."

Jools smiled and probed gently, "How did you feel about it?"

I shrugged and answered honestly, "Confused mainly. I mean I guess it was nice. It was exciting and I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest." I paused, "Yet I felt uncomfortable. It felt strange, sort of wrong. I don't think it felt right overall."

Beth nodded sympathetically, "Well it was sort of your first real kiss. Well as a girl anyway. Maybe it's just because it's so new."

I nodded, "Perhaps, but I don't think so. I think I need to be careful."

Jools nodded too and laid a hand on my arm, "You're right of course. You have to be very aware of the effect you will have on men. In their eyes you are extremely desirable and if you are uncomfortable with physical contact, I think you are wise to be cautious." She paused, "I mean you know better than either of us how a man thinks, but a lot of men are going to want to do more than kiss you." She gave me a knowing look.

I swallowed and nodded. I understood her perfectly and I resolved to be far more careful. I was going to have to make sure I didn't lead men on, as I wasn't prepared to go where they might think I was leading.

Beth cocked her head, "Which song did you sing him out of interest?"

I paused, "Err 'Not dancing, but flying'."

Jools perked up, "'Not dancing, but flying'? I haven't heard that one yet. Come on, drink up your coffee and let us hear it."

I did as instructed but as we made our way to the music room and as I sat down at the piano, I felt a certain reluctance. It was an intense song and as they heard it, they may think it contradicted some of the words I had just shared with them at the table. Nonetheless, I played it for them and didn't hold back on the emotion.

"Wow," said Beth, "It's no wonder he kissed you. In fact, I'm surprised he didn't ask you to marry him!"

Jools looked at me appraisingly, "Is that song, really an expression of how you feel?"

"Well yes. And no," I replied hesitantly. "I don't really know. The song seems right, the reality is a little hazier. It's confusing, but heck, irrespective of how I feel about real life, does this sort of sentiment seem wrong for me to convey as a singer and an artist? If you can follow what I mean?"

Jools nodded slowly, "I think I get you. Looking and listening to you, the song seems perfectly understandable."

I wanted to change the subject, "Moving on -- one thing Paul's gift reminded me about was that it is Christmas in like four days time and I haven't bought my family any presents. So how about a little shopping trip?" This met with all round approval.
 

*          *          *
 
We certainly did shop! Town was very busy, but we battled on manfully. No that sounds wrong. OK, we battled on womanfully. I eventually got the presents sorted out. And of course, we did happen to drift into a few clothes stores and yes, I did get tempted and give in and buy more clothes. I bought a narrow black below-knee length skirt and a cuddly chunky red roll-neck jumper. I wanted to expand my range of 'not-too-sexy' clothes. Perhaps it was the buying of presents for my family that had put me into this frame of mind again.

When we got back, we were all exhausted and after vegging out in front of the TV for a while, I decided to get an early night as I was still tired from the previous night out.

When I got up on Sunday morning, I was very aware that this was my last day at Silsbury Manor. Jools and I were planning to leave for the drive back up to London around tea-time. I went to Church with the girls as usual and felt much more at home and relaxed this time.

Mabel made a delicious Sunday lunch and afterwards, as we were all reeling from having eaten too much, I handed out some Christmas presents. I gave Mabel some perfume, conservative of course, and Sam a bottle of aftershave. Mabel clucked and fussed and with a lot of 'thank you me dear's and 'you shouldn't have's gave me a big hug and told me she would miss having me around. Sam gave me a peck on the cheek and thanked me.

I then gave the girls their presents. They opened them after some token scolds that I shouldn't have gone to such trouble. There were a lot of gasps as they opened them. Jools held up the fine gold chain and exclaimed how much she adored it. Beth slipped on her bracelet and pronounced similar sentiments. There was a lot of hugging and it did seem like it was the end of an era. There were a few tears all round, mine included.

They helped me pack, thankfully. I borrowed a large and a small suitcase and we managed to get my now extensive wardrobe packed into them. What with all my clothes, shoes, boots, cosmetics, jewellery, hair brush and hair dryer, I was leaving Silsbury Manor a lot more heavy laden than when I had arrived just over a month before. It was surprising given that when I had arrived, I had nothing more than the clothes I was wearing. And my music equipment! I had to get it all packed up too. Fitting everything into Jools' car was a tight squeeze but we managed it. After a quick bite to eat and with a lot more hugging and a few more tears, Jools and I said our goodbyes to Beth.

Beth wiped a few tears from her eyes. "You take care of yourself Cara Malone," she said tenderly as she hugged me, "Just remember that you are beautiful and charming. You're a lovely woman and to be honest, it doesn't matter whether you are successful or not, because that won't change the person you've become."
 

*          *          *
 
Neither Jools nor I said much for the early part of our journey. Beth's parting words to me had certainly struck home with me. I had started to think she was right. It was terrifying but also liberating. I had been fearful of not getting the record deal and having gone through everything over the last four weeks for nothing. But I realised that Beth was right. It would not be for nothing. To say that would be to cheapen all that we had done and achieved, all the good times we had enjoyed.

I couldn't remember a time before in my life when I felt as good about myself as I did now. This was liberating in that I could go to Sony tomorrow and if I was rejected so be it. For the first time in my inauspicious career to date I didn't have the gut wrenching fear of being turned down yet again. But on the other hand, this was also quite terrifying. Because the thoughts that had been crystallising in my mind were now quite clear.

What would I do if we didn't land the big deal? Give up and go back to being Nick? I now knew that I didn't want to do that. Well not at the moment anyway. For now I wanted to be Cara, I liked who I was and I loved the music I was making. If we failed tomorrow, we would try again; Cara would try again.

This brought its own difficulties. I now accepted that no matter what happened the next day at Sony, within three days I was going to have to face my family and somehow try to explain things to them. I had no idea what I was going to say and the thought of it sent a freezing chill through my body. I must have shuddered outwardly because Jools noticed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked.

"Mmm?" I murmured coming back to the present, "Oh right yes." I shrugged, "Oh you know, I was just thinking about telling my family about all this." I gestured to myself.

Jools nodded, "Well don't worry about it yet. I mean, depending on tomorrow, if things don't go too well, which I'm sure they will though, but if they didn't, you wouldn't have to tell them."

I looked at her and gave a wry smile, "Jools, tell me do you honestly think that if things go badly tomorrow that I can just switch back to being Nick within 48 hours? Seriously, do you think I can make myself look masculine again just like that?" Before she got a chance I cut in again, "Alright before you say it, I guess I never really looked masculine, but what I'm saying is, I think I'd find it hard to convince people I was really a man, don't you?"

Jools smiled, "You may be right, but we could work something out, don't worry about it."

I gave a little laugh, "Jools, I'm not worried about going back to being Nick." I hesitated, "Well because I don't think it's on the agenda whatever happens."

She nearly swerved the car into the roadside verge. I think I must have caught her off guard, "Cara, what are you saying? Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

I nodded, "Yes. It's taken me a while to realise it, but even if things don't work out tomorrow, I still want to be Cara. For the meantime anyway."

"Wow," she said her eyes agog, "this is a biggie!"

I nodded and tried to explain to her the way I had been feeling over the past few weeks and how happy I had been and was still. I think she understood. Explaining it to someone else helped me work through it too. However I doubted other people, namely my family, would be as understanding.

We chatted amiably for the rest of the journey and it was about 9 p.m. when we eventually arrived back at Jool's apartment. The unpacking and lugging in of all our stuff was painful and tedious. At last we got all the stuff in. I now filled the wardrobe in the spare room which I was occupying. I knew all my 'Nick' stuff was in one of the storerooms downstairs, but there was nothing there I could think of that I wanted.

After we had settled down and had a cup of tea, I reminded Jools that we were going to sort out my breast forms. I had been too tired the previous evening to be bothered. I slipped off my blouse and bra and Jools eased the adhesive solvent under the edges of the breast forms. She gently worked it in and slowly bit by bit, we managed to lift the forms off. To say it was a weight off my shoulders would be a terrible pun, but also true. However I felt strange and unbalanced without the now familiar weight of my breasts on my chest.

As Jools put the solvent away, I inspected myself. "Err Jools?" I called, "Come and have a look."

She turned around, looked over at me and her eyebrows shot up, "Wow, no wonder you have been a little uncomfortable and tender."

As I looked down I nodded, "Yes I guess this explains it." As I looked down I could see two fairly prominent mounds on my chest. Where before I had been flat, I now had developing breasts and my nipples were much larger. And very sensitive as I discovered when I gently rubbed them. "I guess these hormones really are doing their business on me," I mused.

Jools put a hand on my arm tentatively, "Cara, well are you OK? I mean to be honest, I didn't think the hormones would work this much in this time. I don't know if you are particularly sensitive to them or something. Do you like what you see?"

I looked up at Jools. I was amused at her concern, "No, I'm not quite happy Jools." I saw the growing concern in her eyes. I winked, "They're not really big enough for me yet."

She looked at me for a moment before smiling and slapping me lightly on the arm, "Are you sure? I mean this is serious."

I thought for a moment and nodded slowly, "After what we talked about in the car, I can't help but be happy with how things are going. I mean if I say I am committed, I'm going to have to back up my words with actions." I think this was the first point that a certain idea came to me. Something I would have to pursue and think about. But more of that later.

I slipped my blouse on, and said my goodnights to Jools. In my room, I gently rubbed some moisturiser cream into my breasts. My breasts. Strange. But nice. I slipped on my nightdress and shivered at the sensations of the silky material caressing my sensitive nipples. It had been an exhausting day and I didn't lose any sleep over the thought of the meeting the next morning.
 

*          *          *
 
I woke early the next morning in anticipation of the day ahead. It was just before 7 a.m. I got up quietly and headed into the bathroom and had a relaxing foamy bath and washed and conditioned my hair. I dried off and wrapping a towel round me, headed back to my room. I met a bleary-eyed Jools on her way to the bathroom. She gave me a sleepy hug and asked me if I needed any help getting ready. I shook my head and assured her I would be OK but that I would appreciate her opinion on the final look.

Back in my room, I began to get dressed. Although I was pleased with my new-found natural waistline, I decided I would go for the full enhanced look and put on my corset, slipping my breast forms into the cups. I tightened the corset viciously to get my waist as narrow as possible.

I was determined that today Mr. Simon Andrews was going to see as 'marketable' an image as he had ever seen in his life to date. I slipped on a pair of black silk patterned stockings and attached them to the suspenders on my corset. I revelled in the lovely sensation of wearing stockings. As strange as it had been at first, I had quickly grown to love the feeling. I could understand why women would say they feel sexier when wearing stockings. There is something deliciously sexy about it and I was going for unashamedly sexy today. I pulled on my black Lycra body top. I clipped the bodysuit buttons closed under my crotch.

It defined my 'enhanced' features perfectly and clung to my body. It had long sleeves and a polo neck top. I pulled on my black and white checked miniskirt. It was short. Mid-thigh. Of course it had to be my black suede knee-length high heeled boots.

I sat down at the dressing table and blow-dried my hair. I added a lot of hairspray and tried to give my hair as much body as possible. My hair was fuller and thicker and was growing. Although it was lengthened by the hair extensions Beth had given me, I figured that my own natural hair was probably now coming to just below my shoulder blades. After a lot of brushing, I was happy with my hair and moved to concentrate on my makeup.

I carefully applied the foundation and setting powder. I delicately outlined my eyes with a kohl pencil. I was going for a slightly heavier appearance than my normal daytime makeup. After eye shadow and giving my lashes a luscious coat of black mascara, I highlighted my cheekbones with rouge. Next lipstick. I outlined my lips with a red lip pencil. Then as Beth had taught me, I painted my lips with red lipstick. I blotted and then added a final coat of gloss.

I had plenty of time so I took the time to carefully paint my nails the same shade of red as my lipstick. I added some Obsession perfume, a chunky silver chain over my black polo neck top, matching silver bracelet on my right wrist and my long silver pendant earrings. I added a pair of medium sized hoop earrings into my other holes and decided that I was probably done.

I stood up, took a deep breath and turned to check myself out in the full length mirror. I was amazed at how my appearance could continue to surprise me time and time again. There was no doubt about it. I looked hot. I struck a few poses and made a few pouts. I felt very sexy and looking in the mirror, I knew I looked every bit as sexy as I felt. I felt good. Watch out Sony, here I come.

Jools was already sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. She was smartly dressed in a navy pinstripe jacket and trouser suit over a white blouse. Her hair was pulled back from her face and her makeup was neat and understated. She smiled at me as I walked in. "My goodness, who has taken my Cara and replaced her with this sex kitten?"

I laughed and purred at her. Then more seriously, "Do I look OK?"

"OK?" she exclaimed, "You look one hundred percent drop dead sexy gorgeous."

I laughed again. "It's not too much is it? Over the top?"

She paused and shook her head, "Not at all. To be honest, Miss Cara-gonna-be-a-rock-star I doubt that you could look too sexy. Nothing would be too much. Well perhaps except full frontal nudity."

I grinned and playfully swatted her, "You look great too. Every bit the business executive."

She smiled and straightened her jacket, "One of us has to look respectable. I'm the cool-headed on-the-level agent. You're the stroppy tarty rock star."

I pouted and chuckled, "I'm not a stroppy tart."

Jools raised an eyebrow as if to say 'yeah sure', but what she said was, "Want any breakfast?"

I made a face, "Ugh no. All I think I can face is a cup of coffee."

Jools nodded, "Yes me too. I know how you feel."

After our coffee, we got ready to leave. It was now just after 9 a.m. and we had to meet Simon Andrews at the Sony building at 10. Jools had booked a taxi as she didn't want us to have to face the hassle of taking the tube this morning. And of course since we had some degree of sanity, driving ourselves into central London was totally out of the question. As a car horn honked outside, I pulled on my cropped black jacket. Jools had her 'I'm-an-executive' navy leather briefcase under her arm. We both checked our appearance in the hall mirror.

"Dressed to kill?" I murmured.

Jools sniggered, "Well I know I am, but you? More like dressed to thrill!" We grinned at each other, hugged and went out.

I was very aware of the eyes of the taxi driver moving up and down my body as we came out and got into the back of the taxi. I was fairly careful to smooth my skirt down as I got in, but not overly careful. Heck, I felt sexy. I looked good and today was all about flaunting the good about myself. I gave the driver a shy smile and had to hide my smirk as I saw him flush.

Jools nudged me and hissed softly, "Stop that you!" She winked, "Save it for later." She gave the driver his instructions and he drove off.
 

*          *          *
 
As we walked into the Sony building, I felt my mouth grow dry and I began to get more nervous. What if Simon Andrews recognised me? What if they laughed at me? "Are you sure they are expecting us Jools?" I murmured.

"Of course they are. I telephoned on Friday past to confirm and I was put straight through to Simon Andrews. He remembered. He hadn't forgotten and said he was looking forward to meeting this mystery woman. I told him you were called Cara Malone. You'll do fine. And I'll handle the business side of things."

I sighed and swallowed. From the main reception, we were directed up to the 4th floor offices. Unlike my last visit here, there wasn't long to wait. We had barely sat down, before Simon Andrews came bounding out of his office. He came over to us and we stood up. He smiled and held out his hand to me, "Miss Malone, I presume. Simon Andrews. A pleasure to meet you."

I was tempted to tell him we'd already met but refrained. Instead I smiled demurely, "Mr. Andrews, so good to meet you at last."

He turned to Jools and shook her hand again, "And good to see you again Miss Carstairs."

I was aware of his eyes looking me up and down. 'Take a good look buster,' I thought. He showed us into his office and made a show of pulling out the seats from the round table for us. No formally sitting behind his desk this time. He sat down beside me and laid his hands on the table. He smiled again. I thought that his jaw was going to fall off if he smiled any wider.

"Well Miss Malone, I have to say it's good to meet the mystery singer behind the disk we heard some weeks back. We were quite impressed and were keen to see if you lived up to your promise in the flesh."

I smiled back at him through half closed eyelids, "Oh Mr. Andrews, I can assure you that I can live up to my promise. But as for my flesh? I'm flattered by your interest, but I thought I was here to talk about my singing?"

Jools gave a half cough, half choke. Simon Andrews went beet red and looked a little flustered, "Ah well, I mean, that's not what I was saying." He looked away and then looked back, "It was just a turn of phrase..." He saw the amused smile on my face and said, "You're teasing me."

I gave a little laugh, "I would never presume to tease someone as important as you."

He regained his composure and the smile returned, "Ah now you're flattering me. Now, where were we? Ah yes. Your demo was very interesting and we would be keen to consider possibilities. On the demo you were singing cover versions. Certainly the vocal performance was very good as was the instrumentation, but we were wondering whether you perform original material or whether you would be considering trying some songs written by others?"

I nodded, "Oh I would plan on singing my own material. I've written several songs."

His smile grew wider, "Really? Well this is promising. Now of course, I'd be very keen to hear some of the material and to hear you sing in the...to sing live I mean, but we can proceed to that shortly."

He sat back and paused for a moment before smiling expansively, "Miss Malone, I have to be honest and say that I think that based on what we have heard of your talent thus far, we would probably be in a position to consider offering you a recording contract. Subject to hearing you perform for us of course. What would you say to that?"

I smiled and in a measured tone replied, "Well Mr. Andrews, that's what I'm here for and certainly subject to mutual agreement of the details, it sounds like good news."

He nodded enthusiastically, "Well obviously, you'll want to consider the details in depth, but I have here the outline summary of the deal we have on the table." He handed us each a sheet of paper with several points on it. We both began to scan down it. I noticed Jools nodding at points and I tried to take it in.

Jools spoke, "Mr. Andrews, it seems like most of the details are reasonable and it looks like a fairly standard contract..."

"Hold on Jools," I interrupted gently, "I'm not sure I'm totally happy with all of it." Jools fired me a glance as if to say 'what are you doing?' but I gave her the 'trust me' glance in return.

Simon Andrews smiled beneficently at me and in an almost patronising tone asked, "What seems to be the problem Miss Malone?"

I smiled sweetly at him, "Well certainly it appears fine in most details, but this is only a deal for one album and then to be renegotiated thereafter. I really am looking for a longer-term outlook. Now if it could be amended to a deal for at least two albums it would be much more acceptable." I sensed Jools shifting in her seat but ignored it as I focussed my attention on Simon Andrews.

He smiled, "Now Miss Malone, unfortunately for a new artist with an unknown pedigree, this would be the standard deal in most circumstances."

"In most circumstances?" I pressed.

"Well yes. Occasionally there might be an exception and a longer deal offered at the outset."

"Why would such exceptions be made?"

He looked a little uncomfortable, "Well if we felt the artist showed exceptional talent and we were keen to ensure a mutually profitable long term relationship with the artist, I guess we might make such an offer."

I smiled again and softly, "So if the artist showed exceptional talent such a deal could be offered?" I raised an eyebrow. Jools looked like she was going to swallow her tongue, but to her credit she tried to remain outwardly composed. I knew she was going to roast me afterwards though.

Simon Andrews laughed a little nervously, "Oh Miss Malone, I don't doubt you have exceptional talent. Let me say that your talent is as yet unproven. Unfortunately this is the deal that I am authorised to offer you."

I nodded, "Ah. So you would need someone else to authorise the deal I am seeking? I don't mean to pressure you Mr. Andrews but I am determined to aim for long-term success and I'm afraid I'm going to have to be insistent on this point."

He forced a smile, "Alright. Look, let me go and talk to someone and I'll see what I can do for you." He stood up and went into an anteroom just off his office. He left the door ajar.

"What are you playing at?" Jools hissed. "Are you trying to blow the deal?"

"No," I hissed back, "But for all I have gone through for this and am going to have to go through, we're going to get it right or not do it at all. If it doesn't work out, we can try elsewhere. Now shush, let's see if we can hear what he is saying."

Jools threw her hands up and nodded, "OK."

We listened carefully: he was on the phone. "Ah yes, Mr. Johnston. I've got Cara Malone here with me." "Yes, she is keen, but is asking for more than the standard deal." "No I haven't heard her sing yet, but we were getting to that." "Yes she writes her own songs apparently." "How does she look? Well let's say, there are no problems whatsoever in that department. She would make the PR department's day, if not their year." "OK, well that's probably not necessary..." "Right, we'll wait for you. Good-bye."

We heard him set the phone down and after a brief moment, he re-entered the room and sat down at the table again. He smiled, "Well Miss Malone, it seems you are to be favoured with meeting Mr. Johnston. He's on his way down to meet you and wants to hear you sing for him."

I raised an eyebrow, "Mr. Johnston, should I know him?"

"Ken Johnston, he's one of the senior executives. My boss I guess."

A few minutes later there was a little knock at the door and a slightly balding man in his late fifties entered. He had a ruddy complexion with a lot of laughter lines around the eyes. He walked over to the table. He acknowledged Simon with a wave and a nod. Turning his attention to us, he smiled expansively, "Well ladies, good to meet you, I'm Ken Johnston." He held out his hand to Jools, "Ms. Carstairs I presume."

Jools shook his hand and inclined her head, "Mr. Johnston, nice to meet you."

He turned to me and smiled, "And this must be the delightful Miss Malone that Simon here has been raving about to me." He extended his hand.

I cast a quick glance to Simon Andrews who looked as if he was about to protest but he didn't say anything. I delicately held out my hand and shook his hand, and in a soft voice, "Mr. Johnston, it's a pleasure."

He raised an eyebrow, "Ah, you're Welsh I take it from your accent?"

"I am indeed." I immediately took a liking to this man. He was sincere and had a warmth about him.

Mr. Johnston clapped his hands together, "Now what's say we go up to one of the studios on the 10th floor and get you to put your Welsh voice into action?"

We agreed and he held the door open for us. He led us to the elevators with Simon Andrews in tow. On the tenth floor we entered a small studio which had a piano, keyboard, various guitars, a drum kit, microphone and small P.A. system. It was obviously a performance studio rather than a recording studio. There was no recording equipment to be seen.

"Now," Mr. Johnston said enthusiastically, "Why don't you just fire ahead and play us some songs. We'll just sit over here by the side and listen."

I nodded and smiled nervously, "Umm alright." I went to the piano and adjusted a microphone to the right height. I made sure the P.A. was on and tested the sound level of the microphone and added a little reverb to the vocal channel. I sat down at the piano and played a few test chords to get the feel of the keyboard's action. It was a delightful Yamaha baby grand piano with a good action and lovely tones.

For a moment I almost had a blank, as I didn't know what song to play. I took a deep breath, and started into 'Nine years old again'. I used the nervousness and adrenaline to my best advantage and tried to deliver the best performance I could. I didn't look at my audience. I just focussed on the music, the song, the moment. I gave it a good shot and I think I did all right. But I wanted to keep going with the adrenaline flow so without looking over at the three seated at the edge of the room, I started straight into 'I just wanna be me'. I was beginning to feel a little more at ease and relaxed as I played the by now familiar jazzy chords. I started to look over at my 'audience' more and try to engage them in the performance. The lyrics of the song lent themselves to this and I would smile, cock my head, even pout at times:
 
 

"I'm dreamin' my own dreams, not fulfilling yours,  I'm throwing off the bonds, I'm gonna be free,  I'm releasing my true spirit, a spirit that endures  Cos I just wanna be me."

 
 
I finished and stared straight ahead of myself for a moment or two before looking over at Jools and the two men. Jools smiled me an encouraging smile and I smiled back at her. The two men were smiling too. Mr. Johnston got up and walked over to me. He put a gentle hand on my left shoulder and said, "Well Miss Malone, you have a great voice and I thoroughly enjoyed those songs. I think you show a lot of promise. Would you mind indulging me some though? Do you have any other songs you could play for us? Maybe two more?"

I smiled and nodded, "Certainly Mr. Johnston." He smiled and returned to his seat. I paused for a moment to compose myself and began the introduction of 'Not dancing, but flying'. I was beginning to love this song. Yes it was essentially a soft romantic ballad, but I knew it was a darn good one.

"And whenever I will think or dream of you, We're not dancing, but flying." I stopped, looked over at them and smiled.

I thought they looked impressed, or rather I was hoping they were. I cleared my throat, "For the next song, I think I'll need to play it on the guitar." I selected the timeless Fender Stratocaster and adjusted the strap. I checked the amplifier and played a few test chords. On the effects rack, I added a mild distortion and a little chorus effect. Happy with the sound, I started into the rocky chords of 'No half measures'. With guitar in hand, microphone in front of me, I felt the buzz of live performance come over me. I really began to enjoy myself as I let rip with all I had for the final chorus:
 
 

"For when you feel it's over and there's no point going on,  Is when you realise what is chaff and what're your treasures,  But if there's half a chance of making it, join me in this song,  Let's kick down the ever-closing doors -- no half measures!"

 
 
I finished on the requisite power chord and allowed the sound to gradually diminish in a distorted haze. I stood up, smiled and winked at my audience and said, "Thank you and good night."

Mr. Johnston laughed and got to his feet and applauded, "My dear, you are extremely talented and I'm sure Simon here will be able to work out a mutually acceptable deal with you both. I think you have a great future here and I'm already looking forward to hearing your first album. But I have one question for you."

"Sure," I said almost breathlessly, "ask away."

He winked, "Where have you been all these years up to now?"

I grinned and furiously thought how to answer. The truth wouldn't do: well Ken, I used to be a guy but wasn't getting anywhere. I smiled at him and winked back, "Where have I been? Waiting for this moment Mr. Johnston is the answer."

He laughed and didn't ask anything further. He and Simon led the way back to the elevator. Jools nudged me and whispered, "You were awesome! And you should have heard what they said about you."

"What did they say?" I whispered back.

She grinned, "Ken lent over to Simon and said 'She's gorgeous, she's sexy, she's a fantastic singer and the songs are damn good. Sign her up OK?'"

I chewed my lip and stifled a little gasp and hissed, "They really said that?"

Jools giggled softly, "No, they said you're boot ugly and couldn't sing to save your life." She saw my feigned pout, "Seriously, straight up, they loved you."

Mr. Johnston left us at the elevator after shaking our hands again. Back in Simon Andrew's office, we sat down again at the round table. He smiled, "Well Miss Malone, Miss Carstairs. I've managed to persuade Mr. Johnston that we should make an exception for you with the contract offer. I'm now in a position to amend the deal for at least two albums. How's that?"

Whilst I'm sure both we all knew that it wasn't really his decision, it seemed prudent to appear grateful. Jools nodded and smiled, "Thank you Mr. Andrews, we appreciate your efforts on our behalf. We're sure you won't be disappointed."

He nodded and smiled, "From what I've heard this morning, I share your hopes Miss Carstairs. Now I'm presuming that you will want some time to peruse the finer details of the contract. One thing to clarify though: will you be requiring session musicians or do you have your own band?"

Jools fired a questioning glance at me. I nodded and paused briefly before speaking, "Err well I'm in the middle of putting my own band together at the moment."

He nodded, "OK, so will the contract be with yourself as the solo artist or with a band?"

Jools took over, "The contract will be with Cara Malone and we will sort out the sub-contractual details with the band."

He nodded again, "That should be fine. Assuming completion of the contract, our standard advance against the first album would be  £100,000 with some expenses for music equipment on top of that. Would that be satisfactory?"

I tried to keep my composure and tried to stop my eyes popping out of my head. I calmly nodded and Jools did the same as she replied, "That should be adequate." Adequate? One hundred grand? I could hardly believe it. It brought the pressure to succeed back into focus.

"One more question for now," Simon Andrews continued, "If we could meet early in the new year to try to finalise the contract, how long after that do you think it would be before you would be ready to enter the studio?"

I chewed my lower lip. I needed to give myself time to find my currently non-existent band. I replied hesitantly, "I think about three months to be honest. I want to have the band well practised and rehearsed and work on some more material." I paused briefly and came up with a further reason that I though would appeal to him more, "After all, I don't want to waste expensive recording time on practising or writing new material." That did the trick as he nodded in agreement.

"Well then," he said with a smile and extending his hand to me again, "Here's to a long and successful relationship."

I smiled and shook his hand as did Jools. He ushered us out and wished us a Merry Christmas and told Jools to ring his secretary after Christmas to arrange an appointment to finalise the contract.

It wasn't until Jools and I hit the street outside and walked a few hundred yards away that we let our guard down. She turned to me and grinned before hugging me in a big bear hug and squealed, "We did it, oh my but we have done it!"

I laughed and hugged her back as the tension began to fade, "I know, I can hardly believe it. Is it real?"

"It most definitely is. I have the papers in my case to prove it. And the promise of a hundred grand!"

I smiled and we paused on the pavement, I mused, "I don't think he suspected anything, I mean I don't think he made the connection between Cara and Nick."

Jools laughed, "Oh you connected with him all right I'd say, but not in that way."

We walked on and tried to find somewhere for lunch. I had an appointment with Dr. Carson that afternoon. Just as I relaxed from one ordeal, I had another trial to face.
 

*          *          *
 
Dr. Janice Carson's consulting rooms were in Harley Street of course. As we walked up the steps to the classically stylish Georgian town house I murmured to Jools, "This isn't going to be cheap is it?"

She grinned at me, "Well no, but it'll not put too much of a dent in a hundred grand."

I gave the receptionist my name and after about 10 minutes sitting in the waiting room, a well dressed lady in a white coat came out. She looked to be in her late forties, but had obviously kept herself in good shape. She came over to us and we stood up. She hugged Jools, "Julie, so good to see you again. And this must be your friend Cara." She turned to me and smiled as we shook hands. She turned to Jools and raised her eyebrows, before turning back to address me, "Well Cara, why don't you come on in. Julie you don't mind waiting here do you? I think it would be more appropriate."

Jools shrugged and nodded but looked a little ill at ease, "Uhh sure Dr. Carson."

She led me into her consulting room. It was spacious, well lit and tastefully furnished. She indicated a seat on one side of her desk and she sat down opposite me. She looked intently at me and then smiled and shook her head before speaking, "You know, if I wasn't aware of the nature of your referral here, I have to say, I wouldn't suspect a thing. Are you sure Julie has your details correct? This isn't a little joke of hers is it?"

I laughed, "It's not a joke and I'm flattered, thank you. But she was correct, I am...or rather I guess I was...well I don't know really." I paused and tried again, "I used to be Nick and now I'm Cara." I shrugged, "It's sort of complicated."

She nodded sympathetically, "I understand. Do you want to tell me about yourself?"

And so I began to tell her about myself. I had decided that the bare bones truth was not going to be good enough any more. So I told her about growing up, being teased, called pretty boy. I told her about how I didn't seem to fit in with most of my male peers and how I was often a little isolated. This was true, but a lot of it was self-imposed as I was so absorbed in my music. She asked about my family. I assured her I had a good relationship with my family and there were no problems there. Although when she asked if they knew about the changes taking place in my life, I guess I was obviously uncomfortable. She sensitively moved on and said we could talk about that later.

I moved on to tell her about the recent years living in London and struggling to make it as a musician. I told her about my lack of fulfilment and my discontent with my life. She asked about relationships. I told her that I hadn't had many and to be honest had only had one girlfriend. She gently asked if I had any experiences with men. I was quite hesitant, but told her that I had not had any before I was Cara but had kept company with a man in recent weeks. But I tried to tell her I wasn't quite clear on my feelings about that at the moment.

She asked me about what had prompted me to pursue this change in my life. I explained that it was a combination of everything that had happened so far and how Jools and I had chatted one day and she had persuaded me to let her try something new. I told her about how she had helped me dress and did my make up. She asked how I felt when I saw myself in the mirror. I paused. I told her I felt enthralled. This was true. However I also added more, probably reading back my current feelings more into that day and told her that I felt whole and more complete than I had ever been. I said it felt like a light had been switched on in a dark room and as Jools and I had chatted about it, I knew I had to try living as a woman to explore this more.

This was an embellishment of the truth, but I knew that if I was going to proceed down this line, I had to be convincing. Jools and I hadn't talked about this. I think Jools felt that this all had to come from me. In a sense, I knew that what I had said was true, but I don't think I really realised this until more recently.

Dr. Carson nodded and had been taking some notes, "Well Cara, I think I can understand what you have been telling me. You certainly seem to have thought about what you are doing and seem to be sure about this path you have started on. And whilst it has been a relatively short time that you have been exploring this, I have to say that as I look and listen to you I have little doubt that you are correct. May I perform a brief physical examination?"

I nodded and she led me to a couch, she handed me a blue gown and asked me to remove all my clothes and cover myself with the gown. She pulled a curtain around me and gave me a few moments. I made myself comfortable on the couch and she came back round the curtain and began. She took a lot of basic measurements first: temperature, pulse, blood pressure and weight. She then listened to my heart and lungs. She seemed a little taken aback as she looked at my developing breasts (I had removed the breast forms when I got changed).

"Well, things have been changing here! Are you sure you only took the prescribed dose of hormones and no other hormones?"

"Yes, I had the booster shot and then one tablet a day for about the last four weeks. They just finished this morning."

She raised her eyebrows, "You do seem sensitive to the effects. Usually I would not expect this degree of feminisation after this short a period of time." She paused and looked at me with some concern, "When I gave the hormones to Julie, reluctantly I must admit and due to her persuasion, I at least took some comfort in the fact of there being little significant change and none that would be irreversible. However, you have progressed somewhat beyond that. How does that make you feel?"

I could sense she was worried about how I would react. I answered truthfully, "Dr. Carson, I'm quite happy with the changes for the most part."

"Go on," she encouraged.

I swallowed and figured I had better be truthful, "Well I'm happy with the changes so far and I was surprised by the development in my breasts, but I guess it just sort of made me wish for more changes."

Dr. Carson looked a little relieved and smiled. "I see. Now do you mind if I examine you down below?"

I shook my head and she gently lifted my gown and donning a pair of gloves inspected my groin and privates. It took a bit of self-control to prevent me from embarrassing myself but I managed it. She replaced the gown and nodded. "Awkward questions time," she smiled ruefully, "Do you still get erections? And sorry to have to ask, but can you still climax?"

I think I blushed a little, "Erm, yes and yes."

She nodded, "OK. Well there seems to have been a little atrophy there, but not very significant. If you want to get dressed and come on out and take a seat again, we'll talk about the future."

I dressed quickly and took my seat again. She set her pen down and looked closely at me again. She smiled, "You know, if I hadn't seen what I've just seen behind the curtain, I have to say, I don't think I'd believe the truth. How does that make you feel?"

I laughed nervously and shrugged, "Well I don't know -- pleased. Happy I guess." I paused, "I really like the way I look, it has been amazing and surprising to me, but to be sort of attractive and to look the way I do...I guess it should disturb me, but it doesn't really. Not now."

Dr. Carson arched an eyebrow, "You think you look sort of attractive?"

I blushed, "Oh I'm sorry. I'm being immodest...well I meant to look like a woman I guess."

Dr. Carson laughed, "Cara my dear, I didn't mean that you weren't attractive, what I meant was that you were kind of totally understating the truth."

I blushed further but smiled and softly said, "Oh I see...thanks."

"Now let's think about a few things. One: do you envisage yourself returning to your male identity?"

There it was. The question was posed. It almost seemed to hang there in the air before me. I paused, not because I didn't know how to answer or what the answer would be, but more because I knew the significance of my answer. "No," I simply replied.

"Are you sure?" she pressed.

"Absolutely," I affirmed.

She nodded, "Alright. Two: do you want to continue with feminisation or are you happy at how things are at present?"

Again I knew my answer, "I want to continue."

"Three: have you thought about how you want to continue?"

"Well, I sort of presumed that I would take more hormones?"

Dr. Carson nodded, "Yes that is certainly part of what I was thinking about, but I want to raise a few other specific items. Firstly, have you considered breast augmentation surgery?" She paused and then added, "As in breast implants you know."

I felt my mouth grow dry. I had thought about it a few times over the last week or so. I wasn't sure if it would have been a possibility, but I had certainly given it some consideration. I hadn't mentioned this to Jools or Beth though. "Well, yes I have thought about it."

"And?" she asked gently.

I swallowed, "I have thought quite a lot about it recently and...," I paused and then with a sort of inward 'what the hell' continued, "and to be honest, I really want my own breasts." There I said it. I had been skirting around the issue in my mind, but I knew this was the truth.

She nodded, "And would you want to go through such surgery?"

"Do you think it would be possible in my case?"

Dr. Carson smiled kindly, "Yes I do. You have shown a remarkable response to the hormones so far and will likely continue to show further response. If you wanted to proceed I would recommend that I see you in another month and reassess you then and if you still wanted to go ahead, I would refer you to an excellent surgeon."

I nodded, "That sounds good."

She grimaced slightly, "Now I'm afraid, he's not cheap."

I shook my head, "That's not a problem. But to be honest, I have to say that discretion and personal privacy is one of my highest priorities. I don't know what Jools has told you, but I am pursuing a career that may lead to me being in the public spotlight."

She nodded, "This surgeon has operated on many high profile individuals. He does an operating list in Belgium once a month at a discreet private clinic so privacy shouldn't be a problem." She paused again, "From the breast forms you wear, I see you have gone for a large bust size, D cup would I be right?" I nodded and she went on, "Would that be the size you would be aiming for?"

I shrugged and felt very embarrassed, "Well I suppose, I don't know. I guess I quite like that size."

She nodded, "To be honest, I think it suits you very well. For your height and figure it is not out of proportion at all and assuming you have some more development in response to the hormones, I don't think it would be a problem. Now let me move on to the second other item to consider." She paused again and I knew what it was going to be before she spoke, "Have you thought about gender reassignment surgery? Do you know what that is?"

My throat was really dry now. "Yes I know what that is. I have had an occasional thought about it, but I haven't given it serious consideration. I just don't know what I think about that right now and don't even know if I want to give it much thought at the moment. Sorry."

"No don't apologise at all. I'd rather you were measured and considered in your approach. I just wanted to know. I will not ask you any further about this matter but feel free to bring it up with me at any time in future."

I nodded, "Thanks."

She smiled, "Well nearly done now. Hormones. I'm assuming you want to continue on them. My suggestion would be another intramuscular depot injection today supplemented with a slightly higher dose of tablets each day. How do you feel about that?"

I nodded, "I'd like that."

Once again I found myself up on the couch, this time lying face down and my skirt raised. Dr. Carson gently pulled my panties to one side and I felt the sharp sting of the needle in my buttock followed by the dull ache of the injection. When I had got myself together again, she handed me a little white bag with a bottle of tablets in it, "Take one a day. It's another month's supply and I want to see you at the end of the month if that's OK. Also I'd like to take a blood sample before you go to check your body's own hormone profile."

One blood sample later, I was ready to go. I thanked Dr. Carson for her help and went out to the waiting area again. I made an appointment with the receptionist for another month and then headed out with Jools.

"Well?" she asked, "How did it go?"

"Dr. Carson is really nice," I replied.

"I know that," she said with amusement, "So what happened?"

I shrugged, "She asked me loads of questions and seemed happy with what I told her. I got another hormone shot, more tablets, a blood test and an appointment in another month." I decided not to tell her about the other discussions regarding breast and gender reassignment surgery. Some things are still private no matter how much we had been through together. Jools didn't push it any further and as it was now mid afternoon, we hailed a cab and headed back to Jools' apartment.
 

*          *          *
 
Back at Jools' place I began to pack for my trip home for Christmas. It felt sort of unreal, but I knew that this evening I was going to have to face my sister and tomorrow, Christmas Eve, face my parents. I still wasn't quite sure what I was going to say. Although I feared my parents' reaction more, I wasn't quite sure how well my sister would take it either. She was quite conservative. It was the way we were brought up.

Heaven knows, I actually was quite conservative. Except for turning into a woman that is. I didn't drink to excess, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs. I had only ever had one sexual partner, Jools, and I even had felt a little guilty about that at the time. My parents didn't know about that for sure. They had suspected and had even asked, but I hadn't told them.

I thought long and hard about what way would be best to meet my sister. I was going to stay at her house in Bristol. She assumed I was driving up. But as Jools and I had discussed, that was out of the question. The chance of getting stopped by the police was slight, but if I did and all I had was Nick Evans' driving licence, the cat would be out of the bag. In fact, we had decided to sell my car. To cover the trail, I had signed the car over to Jools and she was going to sell it.

We hadn't figured out what to do about my ID and we were both going to give it some thought over the holiday period. So Jools was going to leave me to the National Express bus station and I would get the 2 hour express bus leaving at 6:30pm. I was then planning on a short taxi ride to my sister Claire's house. How would it be best to look for the initial meeting?

Although it might be easier to actually appear as Nick, both Jools and I knew that would not be possible. And I decided that, even were it possible, it would not be the best thing. I would be tempted to wimp out and not tell Claire or my parents. I knew I had to though. I also decided that turning up as the sex kitten was not the best idea too. A compromise was called for.

I removed the corset and breast forms and put on an A-cup bra that Jools had dug out of the deepest recesses of her wardrobe. I dressed in a white polo neck top, my slim fitting jeans and brown boots. I removed my earrings and brushed my hair back into a simple ponytail. I removed the bright red nail varnish and coated the red-brown nails with a light pink more flesh-like colour of varnish. I removed the heavy makeup from earlier and decided to forgo wearing any makeup at all. I removed the rest of my jewellery and then checked out my appearance in the mirror.

Still girl. Despite it all, I didn't really even look androgynous. My skin was too soft, my hair was too shiny and glossy and my figure still said 'woman'. I had a small but noticeable bust line, a narrow waist and slim long legs. With my long nails, my hands still looked slender and feminine. Plus after the last 4 weeks, all my mannerisms and gestures were feminine and to speak in a voice resembling 'Nick's' voice took all my concentration.

"Cara?" Jools interrupted my thoughts.

"Mmm?" I said still looking at my reflection.

"Do you think it is a good idea to remove your breast forms?"

"Why? It's not as if I don't look like a woman without them."

"I know, but well, I was just thinking, if you are going to run with the larger bust line, will it not be strange if people meet you over Christmas as you are now and then in future meet you with your swollen assets?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I know what you mean. I hadn't planned on not wearing them really. But I need to soften the blow for Claire at least."

Jools wrinkled her nose, "And you don't need to soften the blow for your parents?"

I nodded, "I do. But I'm hoping that Claire will go ahead of me to forewarn them."

That seemed to satisfy her. I packed my things. I didn't travel as light as I once had. Clothes, cosmetics, jewellery and hairdryer -- I had soon filled a medium sized case and I was only going to be away for about 10 days. Stretching out in front of me it seemed like a life sentence and I had a certain feeling of apprehension mixed with doom. I had packed the more conservative side of my wardrobe with mostly longer skirts. But I packed some of the shorter stuff too as I figured I was going to have to try and gradually introduce my family to the person I had become.

It was time to go. My feet were leaden as I put my case in the boot of Jools' car beside hers. After dropping me off she was planning to head on down to Silsbury Manor for the holidays. How I longed to tell her to drive past the bus station and take me with her, but I knew this was something I was going to have to do.

At the bus station, I paused before getting out of the car. Jools reached over and gave me a bear hug. She held on to me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I'll be thinking about you Cara. Make sure and phone me any time you want to talk. Love you."

I murmured back, "Thanks, love you too." I eventually got out of the car and carried my case to the ticket desk.

"Where to love?" the clerk asked.

"Single express to Bristol please."

"There you go, twelve pounds fifty."

I took my ticket and found the right bus. The driver loaded my case and I climbed on and found a seat by myself. The bus was half empty and I had plenty of time to think about what I might say and how things might go. It seemed that every mile that brought me closer to Bristol made my heart speed up and I felt a growing sense of nausea. I had to fight the seemingly irresistible urge to stand up and shout to the driver to stop and let me off. Which wouldn't have been the best idea given that we were halfway down the M4.
 

*          *          *
 
The taxi driver dropped me off a few houses down from my sister's townhouse at my request. I stood there on the pavement for a few minutes breathing in the chill night air. The sky was clear and the pinprick stars were winking at me. With a resolute sigh, I picked up my suitcase and walked the hundred yards to Claire's house. I climbed the front steps and rang the doorbell. I felt more nervous than I think I had ever felt in my whole life. Meeting the folks at Sony and meeting Dr. Carson paled into insignificance compared to how I felt at that moment.

I caught my reflection in the glass pane beside the front door. I sighed again. I didn't resemble my former self much. A pretty girl, tired looking, but pretty stared back at me. The door opened and my sister Claire smiled curiously at me, "Hello?"

She didn't seem to recognise me. I tried to find some words to say but nothing came. I just stood there looking at her as I chewed my lower lip.

She looked puzzled, "I'm sorry, can I help you?"

I forced a smile, "Hello sis."

She leaned forward looked at me closely and wrinkled her brow, "I beg your pardon..." She cut off abruptly and, with a sharp intake of breath, her hand flew to her mouth, "Oh my god! Nick?"

---