Totally Insane 28–Fulminations.
by Angharad

For Trish, Happy Fourteenth Birthday, Sweetheart.

*****

Later that evening after we’d eaten the dinner I’d practically cooked for everyone, Auntie Em came around. I was upstairs copying some CDs onto my MP3 so I didn’t hear the doorbell.

“Kylie,” called my mother but I was oblivious, my ears filled with the latest album by the Manics.

“I’d get downstairs quick if I was you,” sneered Brian, “sounds like you’re in deep doo-doo.” He finished this with what could only be described as a cackle. I’d try and look for a broomstick later.

“KYLIE,” my mother gave vent to her years of screeching at primary school kids.

“I’m coming, Mummy,” it sounded serious. I raced into the lounge and saw Auntie Em. “Oh!”

“Oh yes, madam, why didn’t you tell me about the burst pipe?”

“Um, I forgot.”

“You nearly get drowned or concussed or both, and you forgot. Maybe the bang on the head affected your memory?”

“No, Mummy, I wasn’t hurt and neither was baby Sarah, and Auntie Em said she was coming to see you. I was too busy making the dinner, and Brian was still trying to work out which setting to put his jeans on in the washing machine.”

“I take it you didn’t help him?” questioned my mum.

“Why should I? He tried to make me do it for him.”

“What do you mean; he tried to make you do it?”

“He tried to hand me his bundle of filth and told me to wash it.”

“But you refused?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t touching his clothing, eewww, I might catch something.”

“Like what?” my mother went bug eyed.

“I don’t know, who knows what strange life forms inhabit planet Brian? Cooties, I think the ‘Mericans call them.” I shrugged.

“They’re head lice, aren’t they?” suggested Mummy.

“I think they are,” agreed Auntie Em.

“Ugh, he hasn’t got those has he,” I said, scratching my own head which had suddenly started to itch.

“I hope not,” said my mother firmly.

“Anyway, I came over to see how you were, Kylie, and make sure you hadn’t suffered any ill-effects from your bump this afternoon. I just opened the door and there was this scream and a thump of a large amount of water hitting the kitchen floor with Kylie underneath it.”

“Oh my goodness, you didn’t say anything about it, why ever not?” My mother complained.

“What was there to say? I saw the ceiling explode in Auntie Em’s kitchen and got very wet. I came home showered and dried and washed my clothes, then got dinner. Then you lot came in and we ate.”

“I see, so you didn’t think I might be interested in learning about this incident?”

“Not really, Mummy, it’s Auntie Em’s ceiling not ours.”

“The fact that you were involved, I think, suggests you might have told me, Kylie.” She wittered on and I simply shrugged, what could she have done about it? Not a lot, so why bother telling her, besides–and a big besides at that–she might stop me doing it in future and I really like sitting with Sarah.

“I have to go, Kylie, I brought you this for your help this afternoon and my apologies, once more, that my house tried to kill you.”

“Thanks, Auntie Em, I’m not worried and will baby-sit any time you want me to.” I took the proffered gift, which was wrapped up in fancy paper and tied with a big bow.

“Well, that was something I was going to ask your mum–we have the builders in tomorrow, so I wondered if perhaps you could take Sarah out while they’re hammering and bashing things?”

“Oh yes, may I, Mummy?”

“I don’t know, Kylie, only if you promise there’ll be no more incidents?”

“But, Mummmmeeee, I didn’t do anything last time.”

“She didn’t, Rose, honestly, it was just one of those things.”

“Okay, what time do you want her?”

“They’ll be there at about nine, so any time after that.”

“You can always come in here if you need to get away from the noise and dust.”

“That’s very kind of you, Rose. I can see where Kylie gets her generosity.”

“From her father,” said my mother blushing.

“I doubt that, Rose, I think it’s probably from both of you and her modesty from you.” Me modest? Am I? I’d never noticed before. Generous, yeah, okay. Looks like I’m just plain wonderful–but then we all knew that already.

“Look, your kitchen will be out of action tomorrow, why not come here to make lunch and the three of you come over for dinner tomorrow evening.”

“Rose, that is so generous of you, but you don’t have time to cook dinner, you’re working.”

“I am, but our little cook isn’t,” she glanced at me and I swallowed hard.

“Yes, why don’t you, Auntie Em?”

“Okay, you’ve got a deal.” She left shortly afterwards and I went back to the kitchen with my mother who was dashing about the place and looking in cupboards and fridges.

“If we get up early enough, Kylie, we can do a quick shop at Tesco, they open all night. Then you can do the preparation in the afternoon and perhaps put the stuff on for when I come home.” She looked at her watch. “Hmmm, I think I’ll dash around there now, can you put the vacuum cleaner around and then mop the kitchen floor while I’m away?”

So that’s what I did. Of course Brian had to walk across my wet floor until I threatened to beat him with the mop, then he ran upstairs and I cleaned up his muddy hoof-prints. The boy belongs in a zoo, somewhere.

While I was waiting, I wiped down the worktops and the cooker, Mummy came in as I was finishing and after putting down the groceries, looked around and smiled, then she hugged me. “Thank you, darling, you are such a help. So much more than Kyle would ever have been. I’m so glad I have such a helpful and loving daughter.”

“Kyle used to help too, Mummy, but you never really encouraged him like you do me.”

“I know sweetheart, it just seems so natural to do things with my daughter, especially with the previous model being Brian, who does the minimum of anything he can avoid–typical boy: so you see, even before you were different, I just don’t know how I missed it.”

“I did too, Mummy.” I hugged her back then put the kettle on.

The next day, all the others left by half past eight. I was still upstairs dressing when our tame troll departed the premises. This time I was a picture in pink, pink top with butterflies in sparkly stuff on the front, pink cut offs and some pink Crocs, which hid my pink painted toenails. I also had tied back my hair in a ponytail with a pink ribbon and wore a pink bangle. Sadly, I don’t have a pink watch, but maybe that’s just as well, however, my earrings, matched my bangle and my lippy and nail varnish matched each other too.

I’d set the oven to come on at twelve, inside it were half a dozen of those half cooked rolls, so they’d be ready by half past and Mummy had helped me make some fresh soup to eat with them. We even had some fresh cream cakes in the fridge–if Brian hadn’t found them. I checked quickly; he hadn’t.

At ten past nine, I picked up my backpack and went across the road. Auntie Em was changing Sarah after feeding her, so Uncle Kit, let me in. “You’ve caught me napping, Kylie. The builders have just arrived and they’re going to rip out the rest of the ceiling and then put new board up, then tomorrow, they hope to skim it.”

“Skim it? What does that mean Auntie Em?” I had never heard the term in relation to ceilings, milk, stones, even bank accounts, but never ceilings.

“Once they’ve got all the damaged boards down, they put up new plaster boards, then once that is done and the edges taped over–at least that’s what Kit was telling me–they skim a thin layer of plaster over it all to make it look smooth. Finally they put the cornice around again and in a few weeks when it’s all dry, we can paint it.”

“Gosh, it sounds very complicated, I think I’ll stick to knitting, Auntie Em.”

“I would, Kylie, plaster and cement tend to dry your skin.”

“Ugh, I don’t want horrible dry hands, can’t they wear rubber gloves?”

“Well, Kylie, that sounds like a sensible thing to do, but these are men, and they don’t look after themselves like we girls do.” I thought about the men I lived with. Daddy kept himself clean and tidy, his hair was always neat and his hands were always clean, his nails short and so on, but he said his job in healthcare, meant he needed to appear clean and tidy. Especially if he was wanting his staff to be the same. Brian–now there was something else. If he was going out with his mates, he looked like a walking swamp creature–not that we get too many of them around here for comparison. If he was going out with a girl, he still looked like swamp creature, but one that had showered and sprayed so much antiperspirant all over himself, there was a danger to the ozone layer over our street. I chuckled to myself, it was my fault that he went out smelling like a chemical factory, he’d sprayed half a can of the stuff over himself and I said he still ronked like a sewer rat. So he went and did some more. I could smell his deodorant ten minutes before he appeared, but told him it was an improvement. Unless his girlfriend had a cold, she’d never be able to sit or stand within ten feet of him.

“There you are, ready to go out with your Auntie Kylie,” Auntie Em said to Sarah who laughed and wriggled. She put the baby in the pram and I was offered the handles. I pushed it out through the door and after collecting a drink for Sarah, pushed the pram off down the street.

“Good morning,” I said cheerily to the builders as they unloaded big sheets of something from the back of their van.

“’Ello darlin’,” they called back which made me feel good as I walked down the road. We went past the corner shop and passed a few minutes talking with Mr Papogopolis, who gave me a chocolate bar to eat.

I offered him the money, but he said, it was a retainer in case he needed a locksmith again. I’m not sure what that meant, but it was rather nice, one with bits of fruit and nuts in.

I glanced at my watch and we’d been out about twenty minutes. The sky looked clear and no rain was forecast, so we headed for the park. I walked around the path twice, at one end the area has some playing fields, some of which are football pitches. I stood and watched some schoolboys playing soccer. One or two had a better idea than the others, not that I’d ever been much good at it.

We watched–rather I watched, Sarah was asleep–a couple of goals being scored. Then after a ferocious tackle on the touch line, the ball came bouncing towards us. I was frightened it could hit the pram, and was ready to move it quickly. Instead the ball came to a halt by my feet. Two boys came running to collect it.

“Hiya,” said the first, “doin’ anythin’ tonight?”

“What d’you want with a teenage mother?” asked the second.

“Well it shows she knows what to do, dunnit? And the chances are she’ll be desperate for it. They always are, innit?”

“I never fought a that, you’re a geni-arse, Coll.”

“Yeah, I know.” Coll, who I presume is named Collin, came up to me, and looked in the pram as he picked up the ball. He towered over me, and was clearly two or three years older than I was. “Ah, she looks like her mum, all pretty in pink. Wait till the end kiddo and we can arrange a date. See ya.” With that he and the other boy wrestled for the ball as they went back to the pitch. As soon as they started playing again, I made a tactical withdrawal–a fast walk back to our street.

I was going past the builders van when one of them was coming out with a pot of something. “Oh, hi again,” he stopped for a moment, then said, “You live around ‘ere don’t you?”

“Yes, across the road.” I nodded towards our house.

“My lad said there’s some kid up here who used to be a boy, but changed sex. Is it true?”

I blushed and stuttered, “N-n-not as far as I know.” I pushed past him and into the house. He laughed and I felt myself very vulnerable.

“What’s the matter, Kylie,” asked Auntie Em, as I went in.

“Nothing,” I said as I sniffed back a tear.

“Yes there is; now sit down and tell me.” I was more upset than I thought and cried as I told her first about being mistaken for a teenage mum, then what the builder had said. She smiled at the encounter with the footballers until I told her what the one had said about being desperate for it. Her expression changed dramatically. “I’d keep away from that sort if I were you, otherwise you could end up as a teenage mum.”

“I don’t think so,” I said and it took her a moment to appreciate what I’d said.

“Oh, Kylie, I keep doing this to you, don’t I? I am sorry, I forget you’re a special girl.”

She hugged me and I felt a bit better. When we got to the bit with the builders, she looked quite angry. “Wait here,” she went out and spoke with Uncle Kit, who came in.

“Just what did the builder say to you?” So I repeated it as best I could. “Right, we’ll see about that,” and before I could say anything, he stormed out of the room and raised voices were heard, although we couldn’t hear what was said. I hugged Auntie Em, afraid of what would happen when I went past them again.

A few moments later, Uncle Kit came back in, “Kylie, can you come with me a moment.” I rose on trembling legs and he held out his hand to me, “Don’t worry, girl, it’ll be alright.” I took his hand and we went out to the kitchen.

The builder who’d laughed at me was standing by his mate and looking very embarrassed. “I’m sorry I laughed at you, darlin’. Mr Johnson explained it was all a medical thing and you was really a girl all the time. So I’m sorry, like.”

Uncle Kit squeezed my hand. “I hope you accept Mr Trent’s apology.”

“Yes, thank you, Uncle Kit. Thank you, Mr Trent.”

“’S’alright luvvie, I can see you’re really a girl anyway, no boy could be as pretty as you.” I felt myself growing hot and wanting to leave this horrid man as quickly as possible. Uncle Kit took me back to Auntie Em. I noticed the time and saw that it was nearly midday.

“Mummy and I made soup last night for lunch, and I have rolls in the oven. I must go and warm the soup, so can you please come over at half past.”

The builders were hammering again, and Sarah tossed and turned in her pram. “I’ll come over with you, Kylie, the noise is getting on my nerves and Sarah will wake early if we stay here. See you in half an hour, darling,” she kissed Uncle Kit, and we walked over to my house, me still pushing the pram.

“Oh, peace and quiet,” she said as we shut the door. “Is there anything you’d like me to do?”

“No, I can manage, thank you Auntie Em.” I stirred the soup and put it on a low gas. Then I laid the table, we usually eat in our kitchen as it’s quite a big room. I also put the kettle on and got some cups and saucers ready, then put some milk in a jug from the plastic bottle it comes in. Next I had to dash back and stir the soup, it smelt really good.

The oven timer pinged and I checked the rolls, Mummy had told me to tap them, if they sounded hollow, they were cooked. They did and they were HOT, ouch, I sucked my finger. Uncle Kit arrived and I let Auntie Em dish up the soup, she was better with a ladle, and she also got the rolls out of the oven whilst I got the butter dish out of the fridge.

“Gosh this is a delicious lunch, home made soup and fresh baked rolls, umm, absolutely delicious.” Uncle Kit was effusive in his praise. “And you made all this?”

“Not quite, Mummy supervised and told me what to do.” I felt myself swelling with pride under his compliments.

“Still, you’re going to make some chap a wonderful wife, Kylie. How could that stupid builder chappie think you were a boy.”

“ ‘Cos he’s dickhead?” I postulated and Uncle Kit, snorted soup all over the table.

Auntie Em and I cleared up after lunch, we had a cake and a cuppa after the soup. Uncle Kit went to check on the builders, he was still a bit cross with them.

Auntie Em fed Sarah from her breast and allowed me to watch. I was so jealous. It was lovely to watch and Sarah clamped on to her boob, like a limpet. “I wish I could do that, Auntie Em,” I sighed.

“Not at your age, girl, or your boobs would be down to your ankles by the time you were thirty.”

“At least I’d have boobs,” I sighed again.

“I’m sure you’ll have some when you’re a little older. I didn’t have much at all until I was thirteen or fourteen, I was like you, very skinny.”

“They’re lovely now,” I said blushing.

“They’re bigger than they’ve ever been since I’ve been feeding. It’s bit of a mixed blessing, when you start leaking like a dripping tap. It tends to make my clothes wet at times, too.”

“I thought you could get pads for that?” what did I know other than what I’d seen in Boots the Chemist.

“Oh yes, I couldn’t be without those, but when I’m really full, it comes through them. Still I think she’s worth it, don’t you?” She looked down at the feeding baby, who was actually starting to nod off to sleep.

“Does it hurt, her sucking on your um…”

“My nipple? Not really, it did a little at first but after that it felt quite nice and it’s the most pleasant way to ease the pressure in them. It also means I don’t need to sterilise bottles and so on. So it’s convenient as well, and they say it’s better for the baby.”

I watched her feed Sarah for about twenty minutes, I was totally rapt with it and felt totally inadequate. I wondered if I could grow nice boobs like hers, and will they find some way of making them make milk, like Auntie Em’s do? I did hope so.

The builder’s van went off about three, and Auntie Em took Sarah back soon after. I tidied up the kitchen and was putting the dishes away when Brian arrived home.

“What can I smell?” he said sniffing like a bloodhound with hay fever.

“Apart from yourself?” I asked innocently.

“Watch it girly, or I’ll save the surgeon a job. What have you been eating?”

“Only soup and rolls, I gave the Johnsons some for lunch.”

“Any left?”

I looked in the saucepan, “Yeah, a plateful and there’s two rolls left as well.”

“Warm it up will ya,” as this was polite for him, I did so. He went upstairs to change into his jeans. He came down just as the soup was up to temperature. I poured it into a dish and handed it and the rolls to him. He tucked in and smiled. “Did you make this?”

“Yeah, Mummy and I made it last night.”

“It’s good,” he said smacking his lips. He regarded me over his meal. “You wear those things all day?”

I looked down at my top and cut off trousers, “Yeah, why?”

“You weren’t out with the Johnson’s baby, were you?”

“Yes, I took her around the park.”

“Shite, it was you–I’ll kill that swine Collin Matthews.”

“Who’s he?”

“The rat-faced toad who was talking to you, he did speak to you, didn’t he?”

“Yes, the ball came over where I was standing watching them.”

“He said he saw a teen mum with her baby and she was acting like she was wanting a good seeing to.”

“I wasn’t, I was just watching the football. I didn’t say anything to him.”

“I will though, if he thinks my sister is a pushover.” He looked quite angry.

“Please don’t say anything, I won’t go down there again.”

“Why not? It’s a free bloody country. You should be able to push a pram anywhere you like, without some dickhead like Matthews pestering you.”

“I know, but I don’t want you to get into trouble over me again.”

“I won’t, I’ll just tell him to keep away from you.”

“I’d rather you didn’t, Bri.”

“Oh okay, Sis. That was very tasty.” He wiped his mouth on the napkin. Then looking at me again, he said, ”You look tidy today…” and I nearly fainted on the spot.

Thanks to Gabi for super fast editing - just shows you can improve on perfection :)