“Do you want to come over and watch a movie this weekend?”

I look up from my books and raise an eyebrow at the lump of boyhood disturbing my homework session that Tuesday in the library.

I’ve been back at school a week since Taytlorgate and our relationship has managed to survive going to school together so far. It’s been a little awkward at times, especially when he wants to express affection if we’re alone. For him, all he sees is Holly cosplaying as a boy, so he doesn’t care. Me? It’s my brain worms and social hangups at play. It leaves me feeling weird about being in ‘boy mode’ and interacting with him that way. Screw it; I’ll survive, I guess. The less said about West’s the better.

“Just a movie, huh?”

Rick grins down at me and shrugs. I might not have a ton of experience as a girl, but I’m pretty sure that as a teen boy, he’s got bigger plans than cinematic appreciation. Then again, I’m a teenage girl and we are not exempt, we just like some warning.

“Maybe,” he grins shyly, “if you want to?”

I find it adorable that this big, gorgeous, intelligent guy is acting nervous and shy around me; it’s so sweet. I give him a little smile, “I’d like that.”

“Whatcha doing?” He asks dropping into the seat next to mine. I realize suddenly that arranging a date isn’t his entire plan and my homework will sadly be getting done at home.

I show him the textbook cover, “Finishing Geography so I don’t have to take it home with me.”

“Want a ride?”

“Sure,” I roll my eyes. “You broke my concentration anyway.”

School is starting to let out as we make our way toward the parking lot. Walking with Rick still feels a little awkward, and I’m not particularly talkative. I know that to all the world we appear no different than before; just the unlikely friendship of a nerdy runt and a football hero, but inside, I’m just terrified they can see through the flimsy disguise that I put up. I'm sure they can see how much I like him.

Fear had been such a controlling factor in my life that shutting it down was incredibly difficult. I know that most people wouldn’t begin to think that we were dating, but I dreaded them making the assumption. It took a great deal of strength to resist the urge to reach out for his fingers whenever his hand brushed near, or to kiss him whenever he smiled at me.

To me, that relationship was an equal part of the Alex disguise that I wore at school. Rick didn’t date Alex; he was dating Holly. I know how bipolar that sounds, but it helped me to separate the two personalities and keep things in one piece as my divergent lives progressed. Alex was still the loner; still the single depressed nerdy kid that was somehow friends with the popular jock. A terrible tired trope, I know, but nobody seemed any the wiser.

Once safely in the cab of Rick’s truck, I cast off as much of my Alex costume as possible while remaining decent and stole his sweatshirt. It was massive on me and it smelled of him; perfect combination in my eyes. It seems stupid, but I felt a lot better like this. Even in this halfway house, I was more Holly than Alex and in my head, I could be his girlfriend now. Now, I wasn’t reminding him that I had been born a boy.

I’m curled up in the passenger seat of the truck, watching Rick as we drive. He’s listening to music on the stereo and watching the traffic ahead. I don’t think that he’s aware that I’m studying him so intently. I gaze at the lips that have kissed me and the hands that have held me and feel my tummy flutter. Who would have possibly imagined that my wildest dreams might actually come true?

“What are you thinking about?”

“Huh?”

Rick glances over as he drives and nods in my direction. “You; you’ve got this super intense look on your face. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute as hell, but you look like you’re deep in thought.”

Ok, I’ve never been called cute before, but I could totally get used to it. I do turn a little red, but I catch myself pretty quickly. “Just life, I guess. Getting used to the new normal.”

Rick nods to himself, “I can understand that; you’ve got a lot going on and it’s bound to weigh heavy on you. It’s not long until we break up for the holidays though, right?”

“Four weeks left,” I sigh. “Three, if you don’t count the trip.”

A strong hand reaches over and squeezes my shoulder. “You got this,” he murmurs. “Four weeks, and it’s all over.”

“I still can’t wrap my head around how you’re so good with all of this,” I sigh. “Every day at school, you’re reminded of what I really am. This… us, it might be a secret for now, but once I come back to school it will be all out in the open. If you still want to be with me, they’ll come for you too. I don’t think you’re quite prepared for what that means. You see what they do to me when they have no idea.”

Rick looks across and his hand reaches down and grasps my own. God, my hand looks so small in his; so delicate. Holding his hand makes my heart clench, why the hell do I work so hard to push him back, to remind him what I am?

“I’ll tell you a million times, Holly,” he asserts firmly. “I don’t give a good goddamn what anyone else thinks. Hell, the only reason I don’t show how much you mean to me in school is because you don’t want me to. Fuck them, who gives a shit?”

I gaze out of the window and watch the traffic flow past for a moment in silence. “I’m not embarrassed.”

“I know you’re not.”

“I don’t act like it,” I murmur.

“I get it,” he admits. “You might not think I do, but I got a fair idea. You, Holly Winters are my girlfriend. That Alex kid? while he’s a good friend, we’re not dating. He’s just a front you put on to keep people at bay until you’re out of this place.”

“Pretty astute,” I smile/

“Do you remember what I said the other week? That all I see is a girl playing dress up? A girl in a costume? Yeah, well I figure a costume can’t date, so why would Alex date anyone?”

Surprisingly he’s hit the nail entirely on the head. Why does he have to be so… logical?

“Basically,” I concede. “I’m sorry for being weird about stuff.”

Rick laughs, “Mom always told me to listen to a girl and make damn sure I understand what she’s saying before I open my mouth if I want a happy life.”

I screw my face up and give him a dirty look. I want to give him a slap for a remark like that, but It’s also one of the most damn affirming things anyone’s ever said to me; I guess he skates on this one.

Fifteen minutes later, we rolled to a stop outside my house. He’s all forgiven now and I’m snuggled up beside him on the front bench. If you’ve never had that experience, trust me, it’s very high on the contentment list. Reluctantly, I detangle myself and get ready to head inside.

“So, you’re coming over this weekend right?” Rick asks, looking a little uncertain. God, I cannot fathom how Mister Confident is always so shy where I’m concerned, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll say no; like that would happen!

I nod, reluctantly grabbing my bag and belongings. “Sure, Rick, I’d love to.”

He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss that curls my toes like the binding on my notebook. After a few heavenly moments, I reluctantly pull back and straighten myself up. Mom will kill me if I spend the evening making out in full view of the neighbors, regardless of gender.

Rick gives me a happy little grin and he looks so boyishly handsome right there I almost feel willing to defy my Mother. “Look, I don’t know if you guys are doing anything for Thanksgiving, but… I thought maybe I could invite you over. I want you to, obviously,” he stumbles. “Mom asked me to ask as well.”

“I don’t think we’ve got any plans,” I shrug. “Chrissie is home for the week, but that’s it.”

“Come over to ours and celebrate with my parents, it’s just going to be the three of us.”

Meet the parents… do the whole family thing, sure I already met the parents, but formally? Oh god, they also think I’m called Alex. Oh boy, I’m not done with the critical comings out, am I?

“I think I need to talk to your Mom first,” I reply hesitantly. “You know, the whole Alex and Holly thing might be a little relevant.”

“That’s not her problem,” Rick shrugs.

“Isn’t she going to wonder why your tomboy girlfriend, Alex, suddenly became a girly girl called Holly?”

Rick frowns, “I didn’t really think about that. Yeah, maybe you should. I could talk to her if you want me to?”

I shake my head, “No. That’s for me to do, but thank you. I think I need to talk to her woman to woman; she’d probably appreciate it more.”

“Knowing my Mom, yeah, she would,” he admits with a chuckle. “Though, if you get her on side, Dad won’t be a problem. He does whatever she says.”

I smile, I know my Dad is exactly the same way. Don't get me wrong, he’s not whipped or weak, but he loves Mom and they see eye to eye on most things. It’s a partnership and not a power dynamic. If one of them makes a call, they both respect it because they know how the other thinks. Can I handle this? Can I come out to Rick’s parents?

I’m going to have to do it eventually, whether I want to or not. The big unknown will be whether it blows up in my face or not. His parents seem nice, but that doesn’t exactly account for diddly squat when it comes to the big T topic. It can turn the nicest people into utter monsters that can’t stand the look of you.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

 

 

I drove the racket hard, throwing all of my energy behind the strike. The projectile screamed across the court like a ballistic… is this too much? Yeah, I was playing Badminton, I wanted to make it sound far more exciting than it actually was. Sexing up any game with a piece called a shuttlecock is unsurprisingly rather difficult.

My epic drive was easily returned by Megan and our volley lasted a surprisingly long time before we finally conceded the point, the final one of the game. Obviously, I was extremely disappointed as I’m pretty sure I was meant to win, biological advantage, right?

“Good game guys,” Tina called, drowning herself in her water bottle. “I’m freaking done.”

“That was a really long game,” Meg agreed, wrapping her towel around her neck. “Showers and home?”

“Not rushing off to text my brother?” I teased, dodging a towel whip with a giggle.

It’s been three weeks since Holly first made an appearance here at the Gym and I’ve thankfully lost a lot of the anxiety that I had over being recognized. In total trans stereotype, I do a quick superhero change in a gas station bathroom down the road and spend the rest of my afternoons as Holly. Once I’m out of the hated suit, I’m able to come and go without anyone noticing anything wrong.

I pluck at my sweaty tank top and make a face, “Yeah, I think I’m in need of a good shower too.”

Yeah, I’ve gotten over that as well. Other than keeping my underwear on to prevent any mishaps, I’m pretty sure now that I’ve nothing that would worry anyone in the changing rooms. It doesn’t mean I walk around topless or anything, but I’m more than comfortable changing. It’s weird how you mentally adjust, isn’t it?

We make our way back in from the courts and head for the locker rooms. This has rapidly become one of my favorite times of the week. I get to hang out with my friends and be taken as exactly what I am; Holly, a girl. It’s funny how you start to enjoy life more when it’s the right one, finally.

I’m not sure how I feel about Tina. She’s a great girl and I really like her perky, oddball personality. It feels a little unfair that both Megan and Kara know about me, but Tina doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a proponent of telling everyone I’m trans or anything daft like that, but with this being such a major part of my life currently, I feel like I’m lying to her, which I am.

I do in fact go to the same school, but not the same division. I am having to actively conceal that I got to school still as Alex. Hiding is hard work, and it wears you out having to keep your guard up constantly.

Sure, all these delightful trans-fictions make it seem so very easy; the protagonist passes as female, nay, she fails to pass as male most of the time. That means that when presenting as female, it’s easy right? Wrong.

There’s stuff you can’t talk about around those who don’t know about you, and you have to actively conceal who you go to places with. Most of your time is made up ensuring that people don’t make the connection or find out and it’s quite exhausting. As comfortable as I’m feeling now that I get to be myself that I have at least one friend who has no idea about Alex, and it’s tough to balance the two.

Sorry, a boringly realistic moment there where I have to remind you that even in the best of circumstances and a dream situation for some, it has its risks and difficulties. Yeah, that’s me, the Grinch of trans drama, sorry not sorry.

I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel before heading back to the locker room. I’ve already pulled on dry underwear, so I’m not particularly worried about being detected. Lil Alex isn’t much in the grand scheme of things and taking care of that is… not something I’m going to describe here. It’s safe to say he doesn’t make an appearance.

Finding my locker, I grab my gym bag and pull out my clothes before starting to get dressed. Today, that’s Jeans, nice ankle boots, and a cute top and jacket. The temperature has fallen somewhat, so It's starting to really feel like the approach of winter. Out here, that rarely drops below the low sixties, but that’s pretty cold for us!

“You guys doing anything for Thanksgiving?” Meg asks as she dries off her hair.

“Grandparents, in San Diego,” Tina shrugs. “A Long ass road trip and big arguments; I can’t wait.”

“We’re just staying home like always,” Megan shrugs. “Mostly lots of rels coming over and Gary annoying everyone. What about you Hol, any plans this year, considering?”

“Considering what?” Tina asks raising an eyebrow.

“Considering her sister is home from college finally, she’s not seen her in months,” Kara interjects, eying her sister. “Right?”

“That, I guess,” I concede, “although my boyfriend did just invite us all over to his parent's place for the holiday so… I’m considering it.”

“Wait, he did?” she balks, “Like that’s a big step right?”

“I guess, but I think I want to talk to his Mom first,” I offer cryptically, making an eye gesture. “Make sure she’s cool with the five of us, you know?”

“Right,” Kara agrees catching my point. “That’s probably a really good idea for place settings and stuff.”

Tina eyes us curiously but remains quiet. I’m positive she’s unaware of the reality of that conversation, but at the same time, I hate having to use code in front of my friends. This split life crap is exhausting and I want it to be over.

Megan joins me in the bathrooms where I’m fixing my face before we leave. “What did your parents say about you getting your ass kicked?”

What? You thought I wouldn’t tell them about that?

I sighed and shrugged at my reflection as I applied mascara. “They weren’t pleased, but what can they really do? They already laid down the law with the school and it’s easier to just avoid drama till I’m done. Nobody knows the truth, so it’s best if it just stays that way.”

“What truth?”

I jump as Tina appears behind me with makeup bag in hand. She has a quizzical expression on her face.

Megan points at my cheek, “She got in a fight at school and her parents lost their shit.”

Tina’s frown lessens and she nods, “That why you’re transferring?”

“Yeah,” I shrug. “I just… don’t belong there.”

“Wild,” she shrugs and takes up a mirror next to me. “You seem alright to me, even if you are friends with these two.”

“I can hear, you know.” Megan huffs.

Tina chuckled darkly, “That was the point. “Seriously though, you seem like a great girl. Who hit you?”

“Just some asshole,” I sigh. “They think it’s hilarious to pick on me.”

Tina turns to me and touches my arm. “You mean to tell me some guy did this to you? And the school did nothing? You got beaten up by a boy and that’s avoiding drama?”

Shit, that does make things a bit weird to explain. I decide to go for a new angle. “Uh, I got…” I do my best to look dejected. “I really don’t like talking about it; some bad stuff, you know?”

Tina smiles sympathetically and gives me a sideways half-hug. “I get it, I won’t pry, but that sucks. Roll on January, huh?”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Indeed.”

 

 

The bus dropped me on the quiet main street of Johnson Creek a little after five that evening. Back when I first saw the place, I thought it a dreary and dead little strip of nothing, but now it seemed a little more quaint and idyllic. I would still struggle to want to live here, but it certainly looked a lot more welcoming than I remembered.

I was casually dressed, but very much Holly this time. I was wearing an ankle-length black denim skirt with a warm pair of cozy tights and a white long-sleeved T-shirt. Coupled with my ankle boots and a cute grey wool coat, I felt comfortable yet casually stylish. Probably not country-appropriate, but I am, after all, a city girl.

There was no game tonight, but the coach had still kept the team back for extra practice. That meant that I had extra time to head home and make myself pretty before catching the bus out here to wait for Rick to come through on his way home; all perfectly timed.

What, you thought I’d ask my dad to take his new daughter out to her boyfriend’s place this soon into the gig? Do you think I’m crazy? I know he accepts me, but I’m a little reluctant to force this element down his throat too quickly. I love my father, but after the earful I got for being bullied by boys, kissing them might be a hill too far.

The truth of the matter is that I had not originally planned to even bring dating into the picture until very much later, once everyone became more settled with the idea of Holly the girl. When do any of my plans ever work out as intended, you ask? Mom had sussed me pretty quickly but seemed more than comfortable with the idea. Rob and Dad? I was taking things a bit more slowly. Boys can get weird and I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable.

It was for that very reason that I planned to handle tonight the way I did, but could I even manage that the way I wanted to? Of course not.

“Alex? Is that you honey?”

Guh?

I glance up from my thoughts and spot the one and only, Mrs Taylor, coming out of the grocery store with arms full of bags.

Without thinking I hopped up from my perch on a low railing and rushed over to grab a bag to ease her load. What can I say? Perpetually helpful sort, that’s me.

“I know Ricky said you were coming over tonight but he hadn’t said you’d be waiting out here on your own honey. How long did that boy say he would be?”

“Uh,” I checked my watch. “Thirty minutes, Ma’am.”

“It’s Rebecca, remember?” she chides playfully. “I won’t have any Ma’am’s or Mrs Taylor’s, do you understand?”

“Yes, Ma’... Rebecca.” I grinned. “I had no idea you were going to be out here.”

“I just popped in for some bits and pieces for dinner,” she shrugged as we walked over to the BMW I had seen parked in their yard. She popped the trunk and started depositing her bags. “Did my son tell you to wait out here all on your own for him? For shame, I’ll be having words with that boy when I get home,” she frowned.

“It was my idea, honestly,” I replied quickly. “I told him that I would take the bus rather than wait for his practice to be over.” I offered, hoping to protect Rick from a maternal beating. “I didn’t mind waiting, honestly.”

“Still,” she wagged a finger. “A gentleman would have timed it so that he was waiting to collect you. Rick should be a proper gentleman, especially leaving a lovely young thing like you sitting around in the middle of nowhere.”

I didn’t reply, I wasn’t sure I was going to convince his Mom that I was totally cool with this arrangement. Rebecca instead offered me a ride back to the ranch with her to wait in their home, rather than out her by the side of the road. Who am I to argue? Well, that was my mistake.

For the record, Rebecca Taylor drives like a harpie with a firecracker up her butt. Within two blocks I was hanging onto the edge of my seat with a death grip as she flung the European sedan out of town and onto the main road. What had been a fifteen-minute drive with Rick behind the wheel of his truck, was barely ten with Rebecca Waltrip up on the wheel.

“Best let that son of mine know to come straight home,” Rebecca ordered, pulling into the yard beside their home with a spray of gravel as she shut off the engine. “You can come on in and give me a hand with all this before they get home if you like.”

Well, that was me told. I fired off a quick text to Rick and grabbed a bag before following his mother into the house. Who knew that Rick’s Mom and my own had so very much in common?

I dropped the groceries on the counter and stood patiently, waiting for Mrs Taylor to give me an instruction. She seemed like a nice woman from the few times we had met, but I truly didn’t know her that well.

Admittedly, the first time we met, I was convinced that she saw me as Alex, a male friend of her son, however, time and context clues made me realize that she saw me as not just a girl, but the presumptive girlfriend of her son. The second time, I absolutely knew she saw me as her son’s romantic interest.

Here we are in her kitchen, unpacking groceries before I spend the evening watching movies with her son. It’s all so very domestic, and yet, I’m practically shaking, knowing what I have to tell her.

“What’s got you all tied up honey?”

“Hmm?” I murmur intelligently. “I’m sorry, I was caught in my head.”

“I noticed, Hon,” Mrs Taylor chuckled softly as she began washing vegetables. “Anything I can help with?”

Well, this would be the time, wouldn’t it? I have two things to break to her, and neither is ideal.

“Rick invited my family and me to your Thanksgiving celebration this year Ma…Rebecca. I want to tell you I’m really honored by the offer…”

“It’s ok if you’ve already got plans,” she shrugged. “I just wanted to extend the offer, what with you and Rick being a couple. It would be lovely to spend some more time together and meet your parents.”

“We only recently became a couple,” I admit. “We were friends for quite a while.”

Rebecca smiles at me. “You might have thought that you were just friends honey, but I could see it the first time you came over here. You and Rick had a real connection; those are rare.”

Ugh, now I feel pretty awful about what I have to say because she’s so very nice, and right.

“I’m afraid I cannot accept the invitation. It’s not because we have plans, but because It wouldn’t be right of me, Ma’am.”

Rebecca Taylor dries her hands and turns to face me with a curious expression on her face. “And why would that be?”

Le gulp.

“I um, my name isn’t really Alex… well it is, um but…”

Rebecca crossed the kitchen and took my hands in hers. “It’s ok, sweetheart, you can talk to me, what’s going on?”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you, I… it wasn’t meant to happen like this. It wasn’t meant to happen at all... When I was here the first time, youkindaassumedandIddidn’twanttocorrectyou.”

“Slow down sugar, it’s alright, what did I assume?”

“That I, um, that I was a girl.”

“You’re not?” She raised an eyebrow. “You look like one to me.”

“I’m, ah…” My mouth is dry and this feels worse than telling my parents. At least the telling part was taken out of my hands. Plus I’m pretty sure this woman could bury me in the hills and nobody would ever know, if she wanted to.

“I’m transgender,” I practically whisper, staring at the floor. “I’m… I wasn’t born like this.”

Rebecca inclined her head and seemed to look at me more carefully. “I like to think I’m a pretty smart woman, but you have me a little confused honey. Is that why you were wearing boys' clothes last time you were here and hiding your breasts?”

I nod slowly and cautiously. “Yes, Ma’am.”

“I see, and Rick knows about this?”

“He does Ma’am.”

“It’s Rebecca, honey, I told you.” she pauses and frowns. “I don’t pretend to understand, but if you want to be a boy, why are you wearing a skirt now? Not that you don’t look pre… I probably shouldn’t say that.”

“I….”

Wait a second.

“Want to be a boy?”

Mrs Taylor slaps herself on the leg and sighs. “Oh gosh, I must have really offended you by offering you my Anna’s things after you ended up in the creek, I’m sorry.”

The penny finally drops and I realize what she’s thinking.

“Oh, gosh no! No, I want to be a girl… well, I am one, I mean, I should be one.”

Rebecca Taylor’s face goes through a few quick emotions as she processes what I’m telling her. I’m almost starting to get used to the mental gymnastics people do when I explain what I am to them, I think it hurts their brains.

Finally, she reaches a decision and smiles kindly. “I think I’m going to make us some coffee and you’re going to explain this whole thing to me from the beginning.”

Oh boy, did I start from the beginning…

Sitting in the family room with Rick’s Mom, I laid it all out to her as plain as day. Every moment, from my first knowledge of my sense of gender to the present moment sitting there in her home. I admit, I spent most of the time hoping that she wasn’t going to leave my corpse in the hills but I’m being overdramatic. It was evident fairly quickly that she wasn’t deathly afraid of the cursed creature before her and was more than willing to hear me out.

“So that first time… you were just friends and even he… really? He didn’t see it?”

“People who knew Alex always tended to see Alex, despite the obvious reality. Anyone who didn’t know me, well they saw more of Holly.” I admit.

“I saw a whole lot of Holly when I came bursting into the bathroom,” Rebecca chuckled. “My gosh, I must have given you a real fright, honey.”

“I appreciated the dry clothes, but it did make me panic a little.”

“You two made a cute couple, even then,” Rebecca smiles warmly. “I was telling my Tom later that night that you two riding in across the pasture reminded me of when we first started dating ourselves.”

I hesitate for a moment. “So, you don’t mind me and Rick seeing each other, considering everything you know now?”

Rebecca stood and came over before sitting down beside me on the sofa. She picked up my hands in hers and smiled reassuringly. “Holly, I may not fully understand the how or the why you find yourself in this situation, but I would have to be blind and dumb to see you as anything but an intelligent and pretty young woman. My son would be lucky to have a woman like you.”

And just like that, I burst into tears. Big fat ugly tears of relief, happiness, and shame. Having someone accept you and truly see you as your real authentic self is an emotional floodgate. All the tension and stress I’d held about Rick and his family came flooding out like the Rhur Valley in the 1940s.

It was in this sobbing state that Rick found me in a short while later. I looked up from my tissues and spotted him loitering by the door looking too terrified to step into the room, lest he was struck down with a violent case of the feels.

“How long,” *sniff* “have you been there?” I ask croakily.

“Uh, a few minutes, are you guys ok?” he asked hesitantly, glancing between myself and his mother.

“We’re fine honey,” his Mother replied. “Go pop the oven on for me, would you?”

Rick gave me an uncertain look before my smile reassured him enough for him to leave. Behind me, Rebecca chuckled softly.

“What?”

“You saw that, didn’t you?”

“I don’t follow,” I frown.

“I told him to turn the oven on and he waited for you to tell him you were ok before he left. That’s love, sweetheart.”

I couldn’t help but smile; the thought made my heart lurch with that happy squiggle it does. “I love him too,” I admit, finally realizing it. “He’s been so kind, so caring. Above all else, he gave a damn about me when nobody else did.”

Rebecca smiled and squeezed my shoulder. “Go upstairs and fix your face, honey, then you can join me in the kitchen, ok?”

 

 

Makeup is a miracle, because when I came back down to join the Taylors for dinner, it was far less obvious that I had been sobbing on their sofa only fifteen minutes prior. Of course, Rick treated me like I was made of fine china the entire time, but I can’t blame the boy for caring.

Both Rebecca and her husband Tom were great people, and for the first time, I felt truly relaxed sitting there at the table with them. Unlike my own family who, let’s be real, had a whole familial stake in my existence, they did not. To know that Rebecca had given me her blessing and her acceptance helped to wash away a great deal of my nerves.

After dinner, Rick’s parents beat an expedient yet polite retreat, leaving the two of us to watch our movie in peace. It was funny, I‘m pretty sure I can still remember us making out on this very sofa only a couple of weeks ago, but now, I suddenly feel like a bundle of nerves.

Rick dropped down beside me with a bowl of popcorn and flipped on the TV. I had left a little room between us, and I wasn’t entirely sure how to go about doing the whole casual romance thing.

Rick glanced over and slid up the sofa until he was beside me. “Is this ok?”

I nodded nervously. “Sure.”

“Would it be ok if I put my arm around you?” He asks uncertainly. “I don’t want to, like, assume or anything.”

I gave him a reassuring smile and slid closer until we were just about touching. His body felt incredibly warm against my side and my heart was thumping within my chest. When he placed his arm around my shoulders and snugged me in beside him, the butterflies in my stomach lept.

Look, I know this isn’t the first time we did anything romantic, but it’s the first time we did it intentionally knowing that more would come from it. To me, a girl who has literally no romantic experience and is still working out how she ought to respond to a boy, that’s very different to spontaneous shenanigans.

“Are you ok?” Rick asks as the movie starts playing. “You’re shaking.”

For the first time, I realize that I am. I’m a huge knotted-up bundle of nerves and I have no idea why. Trust me to fuck up cuddling on the sofa, right?

“I just don’t want to do anything wrong, you know? You’re the first boy I’ve ever been close to like this,” I admit shyly, blushing furiously.

Rick squeezes me and leans down before gently kissing the top of my head. “I won’t push you to do anything, but I do like this.”

Just admitting that I’m nervous seems to have dispelled quite a few of them. “It’s not bad,” I concede with a little smile.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Rick asks, his fingertips playing with my hair in a way that makes me almost shiver with sensation.

“Sure.”

“This is the first time I’ve done this too.”

I turn and look at him properly. “What do you mean?”

“You’re my first girlfriend and… I guess the first girl that I kissed.”

“I don’t really believe that, you must have.” I insist. “Right?”

Rick shakes his head and blushes himself. “No, honestly, it’s the truth. Remember how I told you I only really became popular this last year or two? That and being in all boys' school somewhat stunts your opportunities to mix.”

I grinned slyly, “What are the chances huh? You found the one girl in the entire place.”

“Yeah, I lucked out there, didn’t I?” he replies, lifting my chin with a finger. “Want to help me practice?”

My heart skips a beat. Ok, so I know that’s not what happens but it sounds so deliciously romantic. It’s far more reader-friendly than discussing the relative behavior of adrenaline and endocrine responses to emotional stimuli, but I digress.

I cannot find words at the moment, but I just about manage to nod my agreement. Slowly, Rick turns his body towards me and lowers his face to my own. I close my eyes as our lips meet and it feels as wonderful as every other time before. Now, however, I don’t feel quite as shy anymore.

We kissed tentatively for a few moments, exploring each other’s lips. The sensations are heady and exotic, taking me to a new world of sensation. While I’m certainly no expert myself, mister first girlfriend is doing a fine job, he must be a natural talent.

After a few moments, I feel Rick’s hands come around and grasp me by the torso. His hands feel huge as they hold onto me as firmly as a rock. For a brief moment, my memory flashes back to him catching me on the sidewalk when I slipped. Yeah, it really does feel as good as I had imagined it might.

I feel a hand slide down and gently squeeze my butt. It’s a new sensation but not entirely an unwelcome one. In response, I nibble at Rick’s lip, which seems to excite him even further.
“Holly,” he growls, “God, you’re hot.”

I feel myself roll and slide until I’m lying underneath him on the sofa, his body above me as we embrace. Right now, literally and emotionally, he’s my entire world and I could want for nothing at all. I reach up and pull my top off, casting it aside with abandon. Feeling his hands on my bare skin feels like delicious electric shocks.

I’m starting to feel extremely worked up in a way I have never experienced before. My body exerts an unexplainable yearning, a demand for more. As someone who grew up, isolated from sexual desire and feeling, it was both terrifying and intoxicating.

With a little shyness, I guided Rick’s hands to my chest and gasped as I felt his gentle touch on my breasts. The sensation was unusual but extremely pleasurable, somewhere in my head, my brain was screaming for more though. Reaching up, I pull one of the straps off my shoulder and slowly take his hand.

Rick looked nervous, almost terrified as I encouraged his fingers into my bra and onto the bare flesh of my left breast. After he became accustomed to the touch, I felt his fingers graze against my erect nipple. The sensation is like an electric jolt that runs down the length of my spine to somewhere within my abdomen.

Somehow, this moment feels like the most important exchange of our nascent relationship. In the back of my mind, I know how I was born, and I know how the world sees me. I know what I have downstairs, and I have no intention of ever using that thing for evil. Right now, however, my boyfriend has his hand on my breast, my very female, organically grown, farm-to-table, breast.

I could ruin this moment with the sociology of secondary sexual characteristics and their intrinsic meaning to us as human beings. All that I care about is that my breast is in the hand of a boy who sees me as his girlfriend; this moment, to me, feels like a confirmation that I am woman enough for him. My proof is evident, even if I am imperfect.

I never said my shitty little warped brain was particularly logical, but in my hormone-ravaged mind, I was proving to RIck that I was a girl, that I wasn’t a fraud. That as much as I was broken, I could be enough. Trust me to overthink romance, huh?

We continued to fool around on the sofa until the movie was over. I never even really paid it any attention, so I can’t actually remember what it was that we watched. Funny that, huh? Thankfully, we managed to pull ourselves together and redress long before his parents reappeared.

We never ventured further than our above-the-waist explorations and for that,` I was somewhat glad. Sure, I’d had Rick’s hands on my butt through my skirt and mine had certainly been on his, but neither of us had ventured south in any meaningful way. At the moment, I wasn’t comfortable going there, and I wasn’t sure when I might be.

The idea of giving Rick pleasure was both a terrifying and intriguing prospect. Believe me, I’m a teenager, I’m well aware of the multitude of ways to work with that equipment; remember I got to an all-boys school, and they talk far too much.

The truth was, while I felt comfortable considering approaching that idea, I was afraid of him wanting more from me. Would I even be willing to consider… that? Sex? I had no idea what I was getting into regarding intimacy, but my hormone-charged heart was trying to lead my emotionally damaged brain. An imperfect girl and an imperfect body are an awful combination when her body and mind are raved by estrogen’s sweet grasp.

Her heart wants what it cannot have, and yet, her brain fights the neurosis and the shame of what she knows she really is. Romance and sex as a transgender girl are a layer of shame and embarrassment on top of teenage fears regarding sex.

I know some people hold no similar concerns and they live largely unashamed or concerned by their bodies and I do not mean to suggest that they are, in some way, imperfect. What I need you to understand is that I, Holly Winters, found my own body humiliating. The more feminine I appeared, the more it hurt to be this way. That imperfection burned my soul, and it left me carrying a great deal of shame that I desperately wished to overlook.

Why did I have to be transgender?

 

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