Chapter Twenty-Four - Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving, while it stems from the time of the pilgrims, really has a unique meaning to each and every family that celebrates it. I know for many, it means arguments and distant relatives. For my family, however, it was always a happy experience. Perhaps it was because we got on well with each other or because we weren’t a particularly large family. I know that unlike many, I always found it to be an exciting time of year. Obviously, this year I had a great deal to be thankful for, can you guess what? I digress.

I got out of the Gym on Wednesday afternoon and bid the girls a happy holiday before racing out to the parking lot to join Mom. Today was special; today I was going to meet my sister for the very first time in my (new) life.

I sound melodramatic, I’ve obviously met my sister Chrissie before. In its own way, this was as much a reunion as it was a first meeting as sisters. I remembered our games as kids; we would play with her fashion dolls and build vet’s surgeries and offices out of cardboard boxes, or the times we would host tea parties for her doll collection. I cherished those moments, but when Chrissie grew up, she became too cool to play with her little brother.

Over time, we grew apart, even as we remained close. In hindsight, I know it was the dawn of her puberty; her first period, her first bra. Chrissie became a young woman and it separated us. I could only hope that now I was following the same path it might bring us closer together once more.

We pulled into the short-stay parking lot at the airport and made our way into the arrivals lounge of the terminal. I’d be lying if I wasn’t extremely nervous about this meeting. Chrissie wasn’t home for long, not until Christmas, but our parents had got her a return flight so that she could be here; for all of us, it was a pretty special year.

“What time does her flight get in?” I asked, scanning the sea of passengers flowing out of baggage claim.

“Not for a little while,” Mom observed, reading the arrivals board above us. “Let’s get coffee, huh?”

We made our way over to one of the extremely overpriced coffee outlets in the terminal designed specifically to fleece waiting families out of their hard-earned Dollars. According to the board, we still had twenty minutes before Chrissie landed. Being a domestic flight and lacking check baggage, we’d probably see her in close to thirty or forty if TSA weren’t being particularly frisky today..

“Nervous?” Mom asks as we sit down with our beverages.

I make a face halfway between indigestion and uncertainty. “Yeah, I think so. I know she said she was cool when we spoke on the phone, but meeting her for the first time? Little scary.”

Mom smiles and nods, “It will be, but she does love you, honey. You’re going to get on just great, I promise, you’ll have no issue with Chrissie.”

“I hope so,” I sigh, watching the travelers passing by. “I’ve never been very thankful before. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for this year. I’d really love it if I could share that with my entire family.”

Mom smiles and squeezes my hand and we sit in companionable silence. I say silence, it’s an airport coffee shop. It’s packed and loud and honestly, not the place for a big deep discussion on childhood dysphoria, depression, or even the weather.

I’m pretty confident Chrissie will be awesome about everything. We had spoken on the phone a few times since my grand reveal and she was still the sister I remembered from so very long ago. I still had a little worry, but that’s brain worms for you. Not just residents of demented politicians dumping bear carcasses in public parks, but often residents of our own heads.

As the time approached, we made our way back out into the arrivals area and waited by the railing for Chrissie’s plane to unload. I had been a little torn about how to dress to meet my sister for the first time as my real self. A part of me wanted to dress down to ease the blow, but another told me that I ought to go over the top to assert my femininity; to prove that I really was a girl. Why can’t things be simple?

In the end, my solution was simple; fuck it. She’s going to love me no matter what, so be Holly and not anyone else. I don’t have anything left to prove and I shouldn’t start with my own sister. It was late November, so practicality had won out over fashion to a greater extent and I was wearing jeans, a pair of knee-high leather boots, and a chunky cream sweater under my coat. My hair was down but clipped back behind my ears with a pair of barrettes. I was wearing my usual fairly light makeup; some eyeliner, mascara, and a swipe of lip gloss. In all, I think I looked suitable for a little sister collecting her big sister from the airport.

Makeup was one thing that I was starting to have fun experimenting with. I was getting considerably better at it too, if I do say so myself. Practicing alone or with Kara and Meg had really upped my skills, although it still sometimes took Mother Dearest to bring me back down to earth. Look, I’m pretty sure every teenage girl gets told she looks like a hooker occasionally by her mother. Hindsight would prove her correct on more than one occasion. Sorry, Mom!

I caught sight of my sister before Mom as she exited baggage claim with the sea of warmly bundled passengers from her Chicago flight. Her Blonde hair was up in a messy bun and she was wearing jeans and a University of Chicago sweater as she wheeled her bag along behind her. There she was; an average college girl coming home for the holidays in a sea of holiday traffic. This college girl was my big sister and I recognized her instantly.

“Chrissie!”

My yell caught her attention but she wasn’t quite sure who the short brunette girl was. I saw her spot, Mom, then look back at me before her look of confusion changed to one of the broadest smiles I had ever seen on my sister’s face.

I had planned to be coy, I had even planned to be demure. Heck, I had been really nervous right up until the very moment that I caught sight of her. The look I shared with my sister in the arrivals lounge of the airport that day changed our relationship on the very spot. I ran to my sister and hugged her fiercely. I wasn’t particularly coherent, but I knew at that very moment that she loved me.

Emotional reunions in arrivals are nothing new, so people moved around us to get on with their own business without paying us any real attention. If only they had known the significance of our embrace.

Chrissie pulled back from our hug after a few moments and regarded me with a soft smile, “It’s good to finally meet you, sis.”

“It feels good to hear you say that,” I grin, wiping my very soggy eyes. “I’ve missed you… I guess a lot has happened since you went back to school.”

“You don’t say,” she laughed, brushing the hair from my eyes. “You look good, you look really happy.”

“She looked a lot better before she sobbed all over you,” Mom observes dryly, hugging her returning daughter, “hello, Darling, welcome home.”

“Hey Mom, have you guys been waiting for me a long time?”

“No, maybe thirty minutes. Are you ready to get home?”

Chrissie gives an exasperated sigh and nods gratefully, “After that ride in a packed tin can? Absolutely. I got a date with a sofa, some cocoa, and this little lady.” she gestures at me. “Lead on, Mother!”

I’d tell you all about our return to the car and our grand adventures trying to escape the airport parking structures and connective roads, but I’m sure you’ve all been there before. It’s unpleasant, complicated, and utterly confusing. No time for complex gender discussions here, all three of us were scanning for signs and offramps until we finally made it to the freeway.

Once we were safely on a less complicated road, Chrissie wasted little time in starting off the conversation.

“I can’t believe how much like Mom you look,” she opined from the front seat. My sister had evicted me from my prime spot by privilege of age. Admittedly, just this once, it was a concession I was willing to make.

“She always took after me, but even your father was saying the same thing,” Mom replied. “Though she does have your spending habits.”

“She really must be my sister,” Chrissie giggled. “Seriously Holly, you look incredible. I knew you looked super girly this summer but wow, you’ve like, totally blossomed.”

I color up like a firetruck. Having my physical appearance discussed is a little uncomfortable for me still, even if it is complimentary. “Uh, thanks, I guess. My plans to keep all this under wraps until I got to college kinda fell flat on their face.”

“I have no idea how you were going to manage that, sis, I saw your boobs this summer.”

“What?” I blurt, “You did? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did,” Chrissie admits sheepishly. “I told Mom what I’d seen and what I suspected. You were reaching for a shelf in the pantry and your shirt kinda pulled tight. They were small, but it wasn’t puppy fat, girl.”

“This was back when I was just starting to realize what might be going on with you myself, darling,” Mom admits with an apologetic smile in the mirror. “Chrissie brought her suspicions to me and with what I had observed, it made us seek out Doctor Ward’s professional opinion.”

“I really was the last to know,” I complained sourly, slumping back in my seat. “I really thought I was keeping a better lid on things.”

“Maybe for people at school, baby, but not from your own mother and sister. We’re a lot closer to you than they are.”

“I should have been more careful,” I groan. “What if I’d let someone at school see? I could have ruined everything”

“Whether you realized it or not,” Chrissie points out. “I think, on a subconscious level, you felt a little safer around us. It meant you subconsciously let your guard down, even if it was just a crack. From what it sounds like, you were working so hard to keep up the act, you had to rest at some point.”

“Maybe,” I concede. “I just feel like I should have done better. I really did make a mess of all of this.”

Chrissie reaches back and squeezes my knee reassuringly. “Don’t think of it as screwing up, sis. It just proves you couldn’t hide who you really were.”

“I have to still, for a few more weeks,” I grimace, watching the traffic flow past the window. “I’ve got two weeks of school and one international field trip then I’m done with Alex forever.”

“I have no idea how she manages to still pretend to be a boy, Mom.” Chrissie opines, gesturing vaguely in my direction. “I remember seeing her in the summer and she’s just… she isn’t… not anymore. When I first saw you guys in the terminal it took me a second to recognize her. I know it’s only been two or three months, but it’s like a night-and-day difference. When I left, she was super feminine, but now? She’s just a girl, there’s no two ways about it.”

“Welcome to puberty,” Mom chuckles. “Even when it’s medically induced, it’s like a wildfire on a teenager.”

She’s not wrong. I have changed since she went back to college. Hell, I’ve changed since the semester started. Hearing her opinion with a few months of separation really brings it home though. I only have to survive for a couple more weeks and it’s all over; no more hiding, no more Alex. It’s always darkest before the dawn…

 

 

“Hey Kid, you in there?”

I was on my bed reading when Chrissie’s knock snapped me from the world of superheroes and crime. “Yeah? what’s up?”

My sister slid into my room, grinning like a cat. “I wanted to spend some time with my baby sister, is that such a bad reason?”

Comic returned to my night stand, I sat up. “It’s not, I just figured you’d be busy.”

Chrissie joins me on the bed and pats my leg fondly. “I’m really sorry that I excluded you as we grew older. I had no idea how you really felt and I want you to understand that. I know we still got on, but… you and I had something special when we were small.”

“I get it, it’s not your fault,” I shrug. “You started changing, life changed, boys and girls are different.”

Chrissie frowned sadly and squeezed me tightly. “They are, but you weren’t. You never were, kiddo. This entire time you’ve just been, well, you. I shouldn’t have put you in that box and made distance between us. The truth is, when I had my first period, I felt different from you and Rob suddenly. A little ashamed and unclean if I’m honest. At that moment, it was me that was the odd one out, so I separated off and spent more time with Mom and my friends. I felt like I was cut off from you guys”

For a few years I was so confused; I had no idea what I had done wrong,” I admit with a sardonic chuckle. “I had always blamed myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Chrissie sniffs. “Please forgive me?”

I turn and hug my big sister, “I forgave you the second you said my real name.”

“I have a little sister,” Chrissie smiles, wiping a tear from her eye. “I always wanted one, you know? There were times that I pretended that you were her.”

“Wishes come true?” I smirk playfully. “Seriously, what’s prompted the late visit?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“No,” I admit, feeling a little silly, “just curious.”

“You’ve probably not had a sleepover yet, have you?”

“I’m a little old for that, maybe,” I shrug, feeling a little embarrassed.

“Nu huh, no way sister,” Chrissie grins. “I’ll be back.”

With that, the bustier version of Arnold Schwarzenegger scampered out of my room and off into the bowels of the house. What she was up to exactly, I had no idea, but it likely wouldn’t be particularly good for me. You just develop that sixth sense with siblings.

About ten minutes and one chapter of my graphic novel later, Chrissie returned without bothering to knock; yup, definitely my sister.

“Right, up, and you need to get changed, missy.”

“It’s late,” I complain, glancing down at my baggy T-shirt and shorts. “And what’s wrong with my Pajamas?”

“No way,” Sister One shakes her head, “change now. Where are your PJs?”

“Top drawer,” I wave generally in the direction of the closet. “What is going on?”

“Got a surprise for you, and you need something nicer than that ratty lot. Here, catch,” Chrissie tossed me a ball of silk and stepped back, a grin plastered on her face.

Unfurling the clothing, I recognized it as the pale pink silk shorty PJ set I had bought with Mom that first trip. It consisted of a pair of scandalously short… well, shorts, trimmed in white lace, with a matching camisole with adjustable straps. It really left little to the imagination and It was something I saved for when I felt super girly.

Chrissie stood there, hands on hips, and watched me. “Are you not getting changed?”

Fine sister; you asked for this…

I shrugged and pulled my shirt over my head and wiggled out of my shorts. Other than my panties, I was stark naked. I had obviously changed around my friends before, so I wasn’t shy about changing around other girls. The truth was, this was the first time anyone other than Mom had truly seen me, and I think it was the first time that I saw Chrissie truly lost for words.

“Holy shit,” she breathed eventually, her eyes like saucers. “I had no idea.”

Feeling slightly self-conscious at her gawking I slipped into the PJs and adjusted myself. “Yeah, I’ve kinda changed a little.”

“No kidding,” she shook her head. “Holly, I knew you… but I… wow.”

“Real me.”

“It does suit you,” she smiles softly, reaching out and squeezing my hand. Her soft smile shifts to a grin and she gestures over her shoulder at the door. “Right, come on missy, let's get on with this, no dawdling by flashing your tits again.”

I feel so cheap!

Realizing I had little choice but to comply, I grabbed my fluffy white robe and slippers before following her out into the corridor. “Where exactly are we going?”

“Downstairs, now don’t ask questions.”

I petulantly rolled my eyes behind her back and followed her down the stairs. Chrissie led me through to the living room and deposited me on the sofa before vanishing off to conduct more suspicious activity.

A few minutes later she returned with mugs and a bag of something under her arm.

“What are we doing?”

Chrissie deposited two steaming mugs of what I could now smell was hot chocolate on the coffee table and plopped down beside me. “Little sister, we are having a sleepover.”

“But we both live here,” I pointed out.

“That doesn’t stop it being a sleepover,” she pouted. “We’re going to watch movies, cuddle up under a blanket and talk.” Her expression changes and she looks almost regretful. “It’s what I wanted to do with a sister if I had… if I had known that I had one.”

I squeeze Chrissie tightly. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes as my throat catches. I want to say so much to her at that moment, but I cannot find the words. Somehow, it’s everything I wanted too. Every hope I ever had is right there and possible suddenly.

I let the tears fall as I hold onto Chrissie. This is healing; it’s repairing us both and we need it. Over her shoulder, I spot movement in the doorway. Mom smiles and steps back into the hallway without a word. She knows we both need this; that we need some sister time to bond. I don’t deserve to be this lucky.

“Tell me about this boy,” Chrissie asked with faux casualness as we finally collected ourselves.

I turned pink. “Well… I, uh. He goes to my school.”

Big sister rolled her eyes. “I know that; Mom told me already. I want details girl.”

“Well,” I admit. “We sort of became friends at the start of the semester. He’s on the team with Rob so I saw him at games. After a while our hanging out stopped feeling quite so much like being, well, friends.”

Chrissie eyed me, “you started to develop feelings for him?”

I nod and chuckle slightly, sipping my chocolate. “I denied it for so long, resisted the idea. Oh, not the idea of liking boys. I accepted that over the summer.” I admit. “Rather, him specifically. I told myself that it was impossible, unattainable and to allow myself to dream would get me outed or beaten if I made a mistake.”

“How did you two end up all lovey-dovey then?”

I smile, “I confused him.”

Chrissie raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“He started to have feelings for me too. I guess he saw more of Holly than I had intended. It gave him a bit of an identity crisis and… one day it became too much. The poor guy came out to me and professed his feelings.”

Chrissie shook her head and grinned, “My little sister the siren.”

“You make me sound awful,” I cringed.

“Not at all,” Chrissie smiled. “I’m sure he’s not alone though. I bet far more guys see more girl than they realize.”

I thought about Carson’s behavior and other guys at school. “Some do, and then get pissed and beat my ass… others are acting weirder and weirder.”

“How so?”

“Some guys… treat me like a girl without even noticing; they hold doors, move out of my way, or tell me stuff that they would never tell other guys. Hell, the Football team considers me some sort of good luck charm at games and they have no idea why they do it. Somehow I’m just, their friend.

Chrissie chuckled and shook her head. “You’ve got those boys real confused.”

I made a face and nodded in agreement. The truth was, that I didn’t particularly feel like correcting them either. I enjoyed that they treated me more like a girl than a boy. Even the ones that bullied me, in a way, affirmed me. They told me that I was categorically not like them: I was no boy.

Did we have a sleepover? I suppose you could call it that, even if it was in our humble living room. We chatted about our lives and our friends, Chrissie caught me up on college life and I filled her in on my friendship with the sisters. Between the chats, cuddles, and watching cheesy movies with hot chocolate and snacks, it was one of the best nights of my life and a formative memory for me going forward.

It was a night that showed me that Chrissie was still the same girl that I had once played with as a young child. The girl I had always felt so close to, the girl that I had mourned the loss of as we grew older. We had been separated by gender and by my own struggles with being her brother. The truth was, as sisters, we fitted together perfectly.

Just as being Rob’s sister seemed to make sense, being Chrissie’s felt natural and easy. We had so much in common, and I still had so very much to learn.

 

 

“Are you two waking up, or do I have to come in there and start yanking on blankets?”

I cracked an eye and stared bleerily out from my fluffy warm cocoon. Mom was standing with hands on her hips in the doorway of the living room, a less-than-impressed look on her face.

“Comfy,” I mumbled sleepily, snuggling in tighter. “Ten more minutes.”

“As adorable as the sight of my darling girls curled up together on the sofa is, it’s time to get up. It’s after ten on Thanksgiving and we’ve got work to do.”

I shifted and poked a boob that wasn’t my own. My sleep-addled mind registered that the blonde head nestled into my shoulder belonged to my sister. The head stirred upon boob pokage. “Five more minutes Mom,” Chrissie grumbled.

Both of us yelped as the room became exponentially colder when our blanket was cruelly snatched away by an unimpressed parent. You’ve all been there; suddenly you’re freezing cold and your brain takes a few seconds to catch up to the shock.

“Upstairs, shower and get dressed. I want you both down here for breakfast in fifteen minutes so we can get started on dinner.”

“Ugh, yes Mom,” I groan, scratching a boob in an extremely unladylike manner. “I don’t remember falling asleep.”

“Me either,” Chrissie shrugs, adjusting her pajamas. “Come on kiddo, let’s go before we anger the dragon.”

“I heard that!”

Before we could further irritate Mother, we complied with her orders and scarpered off upstairs to wake up properly. Sleeping on the sofa isn’t particularly comfortable, but the shower managed to soothe my aching muscles after the cozy yet uncomfortable night’s sleep. Dressing more comfortably in some sweats and a T-shirt, I was back downstairs, bright-ish-eyed and sort of bushy pony-tailed.

“That’s better,” Mother observed as we slunk into the kitchen, still yawning. “Coffee pot is full, and there’s breakfast waiting. Eat up and we can get started.”

“I came home for a vacation,” Chrissie grumbled, filling her mug. “How come I gotta work?”

“It’s not work, we always make dinner together.”

She has a point; we always have. I never particularly had an interest in watching football unless someone I liked was playing in the game. That meant that I never bothered watching the big game with Rob and Dad. Offering to help was an excuse then and a sneaky opportunity to be with Mom and my sister; now, Im actually a little excited to be part of the team.

Sure, you can make feminist jibes about the girls doing the cooking, but our family has its balance. Dad does a lot of the weeknight cooking and a ton of the cleaning because of Mom’s schedule. Mom actually loves to cook and so do I. Admittedly, Chrissie often got roped in to ‘prepare her for life as an adult’ but it was never particularly a woman thing.

The truth is that Chrissie is often relegated to pealing veg and prep jobs because she’s literally dangerous with anything that involves actual cooking. It may well be a scheme, but she hasn’t starved at college, so who knows?

It feels a little wrong, as a proud independent woman, but deep down I feel a little bit of girlish pride to be here cooking with my Mom. Doing the ‘girl’ job still feels exciting to my dysphoric young mind, but it’s more than that, it’s sharing an experience with two people I love.

After we gobbled up our breakfast and managed to caffeinate ourselves back into some semblance of consciousness, Mom set Chrissie and me to pealing various vegetables while she got the turkey going. Dad’s a decent cook, and I’ll never knock his dishes, but Mom is truly an artist.

While we work, we chat about Chrissie’s time in Chicago and Mom’s work. I even get to offer my thoughts about school and life. The funny part is, my being trans is never once mentioned. Today I feel normal; a regular girl with a regular life and it feels so utterly right that I want to sing with joy… If I could hold a note without instantly dropping it down a mineshaft that is.

“I tell you what,” Chrissie opines. “I think I should move back home; Holly has a boyfriend, Rob is grunting on about some girl and me? I’m still freaking single! You’d think at college that I could find a decent guy, but no. I am destined to be an old spinster.”

“You’ve not been on any dates?” I ask cautiously. Obviously, my relationship with Chrissie has changed, but I still feel a little uncertain about where the new lines lie when it comes to ‘sharing our love lives.

“Plenty,” she sighed. “The problem is that none of them are keepers. Before you say it, no Mom, I’m not letting my schoolwork slip.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less from you,” Mom chuckles. “Nobody catch your eye?”

“One, but he’s focused on his work too,” she admits. “I really just… I want to get a little romance and scratch that itch, you know?”

“Your sister has been making up for lost time herself,” Mom offers casually, a sly grin reminiscent of Megan crossing her lips. “She came home the other night with a hickey on her neck.

I turn, not just red, but full-on crimson. “I uh… I… bu…I… had my hair down.”

Chrissie grins like a shark and points the potato peeler at me. “Dear sister, are you getting your oats sowed already? You work fast my girl!.”

I am struggling to process this level of casual openness between the Winters women (God, I love that expression)

“I… buh… no?” I spluttered, uncertain how to even respond to such an accusation. As you can imagine I am the color of a firetruck, in a volcano, on Mars.

“Leave her alone Christine,” Mom chided. “She’s not doing anything of the sort, I would hope. But that doesn’t mean a mother doesn’t notice the evidence of a little heavy petting.”

“That sounds positively puritanical,” I grumble. “We’ve kissed a couple of times, ok? I have not had sex with anyone,” I point out more firmly than I feel, shooting my grinning sister a death stare.

“And what’s it like? kissing boys?”

I shuffle awkwardly. “Dunno, I don’t exactly have anything to compare it to.”

Chrissie frowns. “You never?”

I shook my head shyly. “No, not really. I… I guess I wasn’t interested in anyone until, well. Hormones.”

Chrissie nodded knowingly, “One day you saw a boy and… boom, holy shit, am I right?”

I glance between my mother and sister and shrug, “Kinda, I suppose. Sorry; I feel kinda weird talking about this stuff.”

Mom reaches out and touches my hand and smiles kindly. “It’s ok, Darling; we’ve all been there and you’re no different from any other girl. I know you feel awkward because of how you got here, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter. You can tell us anything and you can be honest about how you feel. I’ve always encouraged Chrissie to be open with me because it’s healthy.

I want her to learn that there is nothing wrong with her body or her feelings. Women have desires too, no matter what society tells us and I want my girls to have a healthy relationship with themselves and their sexuality.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to my Mom after her declaration. I was genuinely speechless at her statement; I knew that girls and women wanted to do stuff like that; hell, I had learned enough from the Sisters and Tina to know that girls were just as horny as guys. Talking about it with my sister and mother, however, was a different topic entirely.

I returned to dicing carrots to distract myself from her words. I wanted to share with them, but I also felt quite embarrassed. The closeness that Mom and Chrissie clearly shared was wild to me. That I was being offered inclusion made me feel both nervous and yet filled me with joy to be seen as their equal.

Fuck it.

“We’ve kissed a bit, but I don’t really want to rush; I’m… I don’t want to do… that... until I’m correct… down there.”

“Correct?” Chrissie asked then her eyes widened. “Oh, shit. I didn’t think about that.”

“That can’t happen until you’re eighteen, Honey,” Mom reminded me gently, stroking my back. “I know you want it, but it’s the rules.”

What a tragedy, no lunch break vaginoplasty for me on the taxpayer, whatever is America coming to.

“I know,” I sigh. “I just don’t wanna even think about that kind of thing while I’m… you know.”

“Not the worst thing in the world to keep your virginity until you know yourself and the world a little better honey.” Mom

“Yeah I can imagine,” Chrissie admitted making a face. “Tough break, sis. Still, you’re not missing out on much. Trust me; men are nothing but problems.”

“Your father isn’t a problem, is he?” Mom counters.

“Mostly,” Chrissie grimaces before smirking.

 

 

Sitting down to dinner with my family that Thanksgiving Thursday afternoon was an incredible experience that I will never forget; Mom, Dad, Rob, Chrissie, and I were finally a whole family. It truly meant the world to me that I was able to finally sit alongside them as Holly Juliette Winters. I was finally the person I was meant to be and my family loved me.

I won’t spoil you with an entire breakdown of the meal or how hard it was to drag Rob and Dad away from the TV, but I will share one moment with you. Like so very much in this odyssey of idiocy I call a book, It matters.

“I would like to make a toast,” I point out, wiggling my wine glass. (Look, our parents are decent human beans and we get a glass on holidays.)

“Go ahead honey,” Mom smiles.

I stand. We aren’t really a standing-to-toast sort of family, but it feels like a standing moment and I’m pretty sure they know what I’m going to say, but I do it anyway. It matters that I say this.

“This Thanksgiving is very special for me in so many ways. It was only last year that I was so very depressed; lost within myself and within the world. The truth is that this is, in many ways, the first real Thanksgiving of my life. I owe it all to you guys. Dad, Mom, Rob, Chrissie. Each of you has, in your own way, changed my life for the better.”

“Mom and Dad; you loved me unconditionally. I’m a little cranky that you knew for so long and didn’t tell me sooner, but…” I sighed. “That’s on me too. Thank you for loving me.”

I turned to Rob and smiled at my big brother. “Robert, you’ve always looked out for me and protected me; you’ve been there, no matter what. When I needed you most, you answered and I couldn’t be more proud of the guy you’ve become. You’re the best big brother I could ask for.”

I turned finally to my sister, Christine. “Chrissie, you were my idol when we were growing up. I wanted to be like you before I really understood what that meant. Now, you’ve welcomed me into your heart as your sister and I couldn’t feel more love.”

Chrissie smiled, Rob smiled, and our parents smiled. At that moment I felt such incredible love. I felt seen finally as the real me, the girl I had always known was in there.

I couldn’t possibly comprehend last year while I sat quietly at the table, performing family, that I would be here as my real authentic self.

Truth be told, it was kinda kickass to be me. That sounds egotistical if you haven’t had to fight for that very basic human feeling.

“I want to say something,” Rob offers, standing. I take my seat and give him a grin.

Rob returns the smile with warmth and raises his glass toward me. “Holly, you kinda came out of left field this year, but at the same time, it’s like you’ve always been here. The more I think back, the more I realize we always had this big bro, little sister thing going on; I just never saw it clearly.”

He shrugged and looked a little darker suddenly. “I’m thankful that you’re still alive. I know you dodged around saying it directly, but I’m really freaking happy that… well, you know. I can’t imagine how bad it’s been, but I’m glad you came out the far side. This you is pretty cool.”

“Seconded,” Chrissie offered raising her glass. “To the little sister we always had, but never really saw. I’m glad we get to know her now.”

Mom cleared her throat and glanced at Dad before taking her turn. “Your father and I are thankful for our amazing children. “Robert; a wonderful young man with a heart of gold and the spirit of a lion. You look out for your siblings and protect those that are weaker. You’re so very much like your father.”

Rob had the good grace to blush at that remark. I know he idolizes Dad.

“Christine,” Dad took over. “You’re doing us all proud at college and I couldn’t be prouder to have such a beautiful and intelligent daughter.”

Mom turns to me last and I melt under the warmth of her love. “Holly, darling. You have been through so many difficulties, but perhaps none as trying as this year. You tools us your truth and threw yourself on our acceptance. You’re a brave and courageous young woman that reminds me so very much of myself. Despite all your troubles, you’ve managed to maintain an excellent record at school. We’re both so very proud of you.”

She glanced at Rob and Chrissie. “Both of you accepted your sister without question and have stood by her. Your father and I are so very proud that we raised such wonderful children. All of you make me so very thankful to have my family happy and whole this year.”

 

 

Modern-Day Holly Here: Thanksgiving; it’s a weird holiday. For some, it’s a time of family, joy, and celebration. For others, it is an obligation and a time of arguments and awkwardness. Sure, I could go into the history of the pilgrims and our first celebrations as a fledgling nation, but you all know that one. What exactly Thanksgiving means today, is very different.

We’re a fractured people, probably more so now than we were back then when I shared that first real Thanksgiving with my family as Holly. That one event will never leave my memory, even as I now celebrate even more joyful family holidays.

I am thankful because I have a chance to live authentically; not something that everyone gets to say, trans or not. I am thankful because I get to share my love with my family, old and new. I wrote this chapter a few weeks before Thanksgiving so very far in the future that little Holly has no idea where she will be one day.

Now, on top of being a daughter, I too am a wife and a mother; how life sneaks up on you, eh? I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Coming home to celebrate this holiday feels so magical with a house full of family; Rob and Chrissie’s kids all get on great with mine, and Mom and Dad love being doting Grandparents.

We are lucky that we have a good life and a good family, not everyone does. To me, Thanksgiving started that year, back in 2004. That was the first year of my life in many ways, and I have never looked back.

Take the opportunity, if you can, to tell someone you love them. Share your feelings and be kind. Life can be cruel sometimes and we don’t even know it. We become numb to pain and we let it soak into our bones until we know nothing else.

I would be remiss to not point out that today, we need to be thinking of others more than ever before. The world is an intolerant place. Not because people are intolerant, but because those in power want to keep us divided. Don’t push people away; look past the hate and try to see the person. Life is far too short to be tribal.

I know you’re scared, I am too. The truth is that this too will pass, we can and will outlast it. I prescribe hope at this time of thanks and love; hope for a future where we can all live in freedom. Hope that one day, we throw off the yoke of the fascists and that justice will prevail. Hope that one day a worm doesn’t dictate medical policy.

I swear to God, you couldn’t write a comedy about this shit, nobody would believe the setup.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends (And those that celebrate it) This is a tough year for many of us. Keep your chins up, there is plenty to be thankful for, even if it isn't immediately obvious. Stay strong and be yourselves. The night is always darkest before the dawn.

 

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