“This sure beats dodgeball or running around the gym like idiots.” Andy opines as we walk into the lobby of the Skyline Fitness complex early on Wednesday afternoon.

We left shortly after lunch and made the ten-minute walk the handful of blocks down to the sports center for our first session replacing our regular gym class. According to Mr Carstairs, we treat it like a regular gym; walk up, present your card, and get admitted. We’re able to leave directly from here without returning to school but they will be checking our check-in/checkout times to ensure we are actually going. Fancy eh?

I haven’t ever really described where I go to school, have I? It’s an expensive school in an expensive part of town situated on a big broad leafy boulevard. About half a mile down the same road is Skyline Fitness’s complex which covers most of a city block. It’s a huge sports facility catering to those expensive homes and clients. From school, it's a leisurely walk along the treelined sidewalk and we’re outside the place in no time at all.

We walk up to the counter and approach the attendant. I let Andy do the talking just to prevent things from being weird with pronouns. I had wanted to come earlier and on my own to avoid this, but he insisted on coming with me. Friends; can’t stand them!

“Hey, welcome to Skyline Fitness! Are you members?”

Andy answers in the affirmative and we both hand over our cards. He swipes Andy’s before handing it back to him, no problem at all. When he runs mine through the machine he glances back at me for a second before frowning at his screen. I’ve seen this before; this is the double take where they’re trying to work out if their eyes or their information is correct. I smile casually like nothing is wrong. The man seems to mentally shrug and hands me my card without further comment. “Changing rooms through on the left, enjoy your time with us.”

As we walk through the main atrium area beyond the reception there are big glass windows showing various activity spaces currently in use. The place seems busy and extremely high-end for kids like us. This isn’t some grotty gym in a warehouse; it’s one of those snazzy private facilities that cater to the young and beautiful; Mineral water fountains-R-us.

At the end of the corridor are the changing rooms. One Male and one Female. It shouldn’t be complicated but you know this story already means that’s a total joke. I follow Andy inside and hope nobody makes a stink about my appearance.

The place is nothing like the school’s facilities; it’s clean and tidy and it smells extremely fresh. There’s still this indescribable tang just behind the cleaning products; like fresh balls on a summer morning. The walls are sparklingly white and there’s soft music playing over hidden speakers. There are long wooden benches along the rows of lockers and what appears to be, thankfully, about half a dozen changing cubicles. It’s not perfect but given my options, it’s better than nothing. Without waiting for Andy to decide, I make a beeline for one and lock myself inside before I see anyone else. My goal? Become a changing ninja.

I’ve probably over-prepared for today; I change out of my school uniform and into my workout gear. My plan for this first day is just to check the place over, explore a little, and work out a little while I decide what I want to do with my time. Will I likely get involved in more interesting activities like Badminton later? Sure… but not today.

I pull on my shorts and sneakers followed by my T-shirt and an oversized sweater. It’s a bit much maybe, but I’m trying to bulk myself up a little. The bra is doing a great job of flattening things down up front and I’m even able to stand up straight without it showing. If I’m honest with myself, I might need to see if Megan can get me some more of these things, they’re fantastic.

I’m a little nervous that people will see the outline through my clothes. I know it’s unlikely, but I made sure to wear a thicker shirt and specifically dark colors; nobody gonna catch this girl slipping on a wardrobe malfunction. I tuck my hair into my sweater and make sure things look nice and boring. I look scrawny, but from what I can see, I look like a young boy. This should do just the trick.

Venturing out of the cubicle, I find the locker room now quite a bit busier with guys all over the place. Not everyone from my year chose this option but there are perhaps a dozen guys I can recognize in various stages of undress. I keep my eyes to myself and lock my belongings away before heading out to the Gym proper where I can cease blushing quite so furiously.

So far nobody’s said anything to me, and none of the public members of the gym seem to have noticed anything off. You think I’m obsessed with how people see me? Try living this dual life. It’s exhausting.

“You didn’t hang around,” Andy observes as he joins me outside the changing rooms. “What do you fancy doing?”

I shrug. “Maybe check out the machines, fancy having a look around at what’s on offer?”

“Sounds good,” he shrugs. “Although I do kinda fancy checking out the pool maybe. It would be good for my leg.”

“I er, I'll pass.” I grimace.

We start wandering the lanes of the gym space. To give you a visual representation of the space we’re in. The changing rooms let out into the main fitness area of the center. Around us are all sorts of torture machines and weights designed to abuse your body to the maximum. Being quite an upmarket joint, there are TVs everywhere playing MTV and other channels for the bored exerciser to enjoy. On the far side, there’s a glass wall looking out over the pool, and other rooms that branch off each side hosting things like yoga, pilates, and other group classes. From what I know of the map in the entrance lobby, there are dozens of rooms and spaces for every sport imaginable. To top it off? There are also outside and indoor courts for Tennis and Badminton.

“Now come on, I’m the deformed one, why are you suddenly so bashful?” Andy asks, reaching out towards a convoluted-looking weight machine before rapidly changing his mind.

“Just not a big swimmer and I really don’t react well to all the chlorine,” I admit with a shrug.

Andy looks unconvinced but drops it. “Man, this sure as heck beats rainy soccer or athletics. I can finally feel my gym bag drying out.”

“Changing room’s not bad. Doesn’t stink like school.”

Andy looks confused. “I never really thought they smelled of anything. Maybe wet kit sometimes, but never particularly strong.”

I grimace, “ew.”

He gives me a funny look but says nothing.

Honestly, I’m a little intimidated. “I think I’ll start small today.” I offer, making my way over and claiming a static bike. “This feels more my speed than anything that’s going to rip my arms off.”

Andy chuckles and joins me as we start a relaxed cycle through the nowhere.

“I don’t think I imagined this year going like this,” he admits as we spin our pedals lazily.

“What, riding a bike or going nowhere?”

He shakes his head. “Them treating us like adults and letting us choose this rather than forcing us to be bad at various sports they decided we should play.”

I get his point. Andy has an abnormality that means one leg is shorter than the other. He’s had surgeries to try to lengthen his left leg, but nothing takes very well. It’s meant that he’s always been slower and less capable athletically. It’s never stopped him, but it did make him a target for the bullies. It’s something I can relate to; something about you just being wrong according to everyone else.

“Yeah, not sure I could have survived another year of regular old gym class.”

“Thanks, Alex.” He blurts suddenly. “I mean it.”

I frown at him, “What for?”

“You know; being my friend.”

“I should be thanking you.” I chuckle, “I’m not exactly rolling in friends.”

“You seem to be doing ok this year.” He points out.

I make a face, “That’s not the point and it’s kinda an exception. It’s just random chance luck.”

“So you’re not in tight with the football team and hanging out with loads of girls now?”

“Only the Byrne sisters because we live near to each other. As for the football guys, I don’t think having met a few of them once really counts.”

“I’m just glad, that’s all.” Andy offers giving me a meaningful look. “There was a point last year when I was pretty convinced you were going to do something stupid. Things seemed to start improving so I didn’t say anything. I’m just glad to see you come back from summer almost a new person.”

Shit, for a teenage boy he’s insightful as hell. I should be more concerned with how visible my depression was that others at school saw it, but Andy’s always been pretty in touch with stuff like that. Shut up, no he’s not Trans too.

“Kinda,” I offer tentatively. I don’t want to give him too much to work with. Do I feel bad lying to people? Absolutely, but it's for their safety and mine. If I don’t tell people the truth, they can’t reveal that they hate who I really am. Shrodinger’s asshole is my theory. Somehow it hurts less to pretend that they’d be your friend still.

“I’m going to go try something lower impact,” Andy offers. “Leg’s bothering me.”

As he wanders off I consider what he was saying. To me, my experiences are the worst in the world. My problems are the greatest and most traumatizing of all bar none. I never stop to think that to others, their problems are just as profoundly difficult for them. Others must also struggle with their inner voices. It might not tell them the same things as mine, but surely, words don’t need to be the same to hurt as much.

“Anyone using this machine?”

“Oh, no, sorry.” I snap out of my reverie and look over at the owner of the voice.

The guy grins and hops onto the bike and fiddles with the settings before starting off. “I’m Chris.”

“Alex,” I offer.

“You looked like you were really deep in thought.”

“Uh, I guess, just something a friend said,” I admit. The guy’s pretty athletic, and I don’t think he’s a high school student, at least not one I’ve seen.

“Oh, that must have been really profound then. What was it about?”

I think about how to phrase it. “How your problems seem like the worst possible thing in the world till you meet someone else the same thing, then you realize that to each of us, our worst problem is the end of the world.”

He chuckles, “Yeah actually that is kinda deep. Kinda heavy lifting for even a gym.”

That one makes me smile. “I should keep my thoughts light, maybe it would make the workout easier.”

“So what do you do when you’re not pondering the universe on an exercise bike?”

I wonder about that for a moment, what do I do? “I like to read and watch movies. Getting lost in a good story is honestly so fulfilling.”

“Not bad,” Chris grins. “So, you wouldn’t want to ca…”

“Hey, Alex!”

The interruption surprises me, but I spot Kara and Megan bounding over. “Hey girl, come on, you going to join us for that yoga class? We’re gonna be late!”

What the fuck, is wrong, with her…

I stare daggers at her but she just beams broadly. “Come on silly!!”

I turn back to Chris and smile apologetically. “Sorry, friends, huh?”

He grins and nods, “See you around Alex.”

As we’re walking away I angry whisper in Megan’s ear. “What the fuck was that about? Why the hell are you calling me girl in front of other people?”

Megan smirks. “I didn’t think you’d want me saying “‘Hey bro’ in front of the guy that was hitting on you.”

I stop walking and stare at her. “What?”

“Honey, you’re not exactly Mister Macho right now.” Kara giggles. “You were all smiles and head tilts and he was lapping it up like Sunday dinner.”

“He thought… I was… oh jeez.” I groan, quite literally facepalming. “What the heck.”

I follow the girls over to a corner of the gym and join them in doing some stretches.

“Is it really that bad?”

Meg shrugs whilst doing a splits I can only dream of. “I mean, he was cute, so you do the math.”

“Great.” I huff, attempting to reach my toes. “I was aiming for cute when I got up this morning. Kinda falls short of ‘guy’ though."

I think back to what Andy said earlier. “Am I that different now? Compared to like last year, I mean.”

Meg thinks for a moment before nodding nods. “Yes, and more than just physically.” she grins. “You were there but you were kinda distant. It was like you were disconnected from everything and no matter how much you performed ‘friend’, you didn’t really believe it yourself.”

I chew on the idea for a moment. “This year?”

“I knew something was up that first morning.” Meg opines. “You were far happier but you were absolutely hiding something.”

“That obvious huh?”

“Do you think Gary has any idea?” Kara asks.

“He hasn’t acted weirdly about anything.” I shrug. “I know he’s suspicious as to why we’re suddenly besties.”

Megan grins. “Yeah, we’re the regular ol’ three musketeers now.”

That makes me smile and in turn, the others do too. Holy crap, this feels so good. I don’t try to hide the tear that’s forming in the corner of my eye, instead, I just feel glad. For the first time in my life, I feel glad to simply exist. I’m glad that I have friends that know the real me and I’m glad that I’m at least making the right steps to see a future for myself. I’m especially glad that I get to at least share a tiny tiny slice of teenage girlhood, even if it is deep undercover.

We hang around for another hour trying various machines before we finally get bored. I’m happy to see that Bike Guy heads for the lockers long before we finish our workout so I won’t have an awkward reunion later. We didn’t get past the gym itself, instead mostly talking as we worked our way around the less scary equipment.

I think I’ll enjoy this place, given enough time. I will probably need to reevaluate how I participate going forward, but for now, that’s manageable. The ice I’m skating on is extremely thin and if today is any example, I'm in line for a dunking sooner than later.

I hunch up and gruff my body language up as much as possible before heading back into the locker room once we’re finished. It’s not very occupied, so I can grab my stuff and change without any major problems. I have to say, I do feel more awkward here than I do in the lockers or bathrooms at school. Here, there are members of the public, people who don’t EXPECT a boy when they see me. It makes the risk of detection so much higher.

I escape back out to the lobby with only one or two weird looks from gym patrons before I’m waiting for the girls outside. Thankfully Attendant man is gone from the front desk so I didn’t have to deal with any more weird looks.

“So what do you wanna do? We’re a bit earlier than normal.” I ask when they finally arrive.

Meg shrugs, “We could head into the city for a bit. If we hung around long enough we could try and beg a ride off our Dad?”

I’m not opposed to the idea. The bus sucks, even if it is cheap. I’m more surprised that the idea of socializing is actually exciting for me now Who even am I these days?

The weather at the end of September is still pretty decent, so it’s quite pleasant as we make our way into the city center. It feels good to just exist for once without the pressure of pretending to be someone I’m not. I wish I was walking with them as just another girl, but for now, its a darn good second best.

We head into a couple of stores and I won’t lie, I find it a little uncomfortable. I know my appearance is somewhat mixed, but I still have this mental image of myself as being seen as a boy. A boy being in women's clothing stores is bad and I’m scared someone is going to rush up to me and yell “Pervert!”

It’s dumb, and I don’t need to worry because I’m way more feminine than my stupid fish brain will recognize, but it's also unfamiliarity. I should be super excited to be here, but Im too scared of being seen as not belonging to enjoy it.

Kara is the first to notice and drops back from the whirling shopping dervish that is Megan Byrne.

“You ok?” she asks, falling in alongside me.

“Kinda the first time I’ve been in girls' stores,” I admit sheepishly, fighting the furious blush.

“Ah, I did forget about that,” she grins. “Even dressed like that I kinda forget you’re doing ‘boy’.

She looks at me for a moment and frowns. “You know, we could make things a bit more ambiguous and let people make their own minds up. Nothing crazy ok?”

“I don’t know about that, it feels a little like inviting trouble.”

Kara waves her hand dismissively. “Come on, I got this. I won’t embarrass you I promise!”

She doesn’t wait for my reply before she drags me off towards the changing rooms at the back of the store. There’s no attendant, so she drags me straight inside and secures us behind the curtain.

“Ok, off with the jacket, hoodie, and shirt, come on.”

I roll my eyes and start removing layers. Honestly, I’m starting to get to a point where I don’t question these two; it’s part trust and another part resignation.

When I’m down to my trousers and tee, Kara eyeballs me seriously for a moment before going in without warning and unfastening my belt, and hiking my pants higher.

“What are you doing?” I blurt, surprised at her forwardness.

She ignores me and finishes what she’s doing and steps back to take a look. “Hmm, better, but not quite there yet…” She dives into her bag and starts sorting through things. A few moments later she stands up and hands me a light grey hooded sweatshirt. “Right, lose the tee and put this on.”

I do as she asks and pull the hoodie on after removing my own T-shirt. Kara quickly removes my hair from the neck and pulls the tie out before re-tying it slightly higher in the middle of my head. She pulls a few hairs loose in strategic places and seems satisfied. Digging into her purse, she whips out lipgloss and a mascara tube before giving me a quick touchup.

“Right, take a look,” she says turning me towards the mirror in the cubicle.

I look at the mirror, skeptical of what she’s done until I catch my own reflection. Looking back at me is a plain dressed-down teenage girl. My black pants pulled higher make my thighs look more shapely and longer. The light grey hoodie is from Kara’s gym kit and it’s oversized and comes down past my crotch, somehow making me look tiny in it. My hair is still back in a ponytail, but it’s out of my clothes and over one shoulder. The whisps and the super subtle makeup almost make me look a little cute if I dare say so myself.

This is no pretty princess transformation but I appear undeniably more female now. After gym girl, or going to the store girl. I think deep down, I imagined people meeting Holly in a pretty dress, but I’m far happier that my best friends are meeting regular girl Holly first; this is the real me.

“Wow,” is all I can think to utter, unable to snap my eyes away from the mirror.

“Does the job huh?” Kara grins over my shoulder. “It’s just little things to nudge you over the line, but if we have to, you can pull the pants back down and tuck your hair away and you’re good… well as good as normal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She shoves me out of the cubicle while I hastily stuff my clothes into my backpack. “Normal for you sweetie, is a girl trying really bad to pretend to be a boy. Now go on, git!”

We make our way back to Megan who is decimating a discount rack like a Racoon in a trashcan.

“Where did you two get…wow.” she gawps. “Oh, we’re doing this now are we?”

I shrug and grin sheepishly. “I guess I am, blame Kara.”
Meg smiles at me and leans in for a quick hug. “Not bad for dressed down girly. One day we’ll do the works on you, ya hear?”

Kara paused suddenly, as though struck by a thought “What do we call you? Do we still call you Alex or something else? I can’t believe I never asked before now.”

I look at my friends and smile. “My name is Holly.”

Meg grins, “It suits you, girl.”

“Can we get on with shopping now without you being all miserable and weird?” Kara asks. “If you’re lucky we can actually get you some more of your own bras.”

I hadn’t considered getting them myself, but with these girls by my side, I feel brave enough.

We go from shop to shop just browsing. Occasionally one of the girls will try something on but I’m not quite ready to do that myself. Kara is right though, I feel far more comfortable like this. Now I know everyone sees three girls I don’t feel any awkwardness at all.

“You know, I don’t even know what my style would be,” I admit. “There’s so many things I want to try, but I really don’t know what I like.”

Meg nods. “Yeah, it takes years to establish a style, but there’s plenty of staples you’ll want anyway; jeans, tees, skirts; stuff you can mix and match. Any kinda more specific style is totally on top of that.”

“Oh, over here, they have a sports section.” Kara gestures dragging me by the arm. “We can get you some bras of your own.”

“Nothing super feminine, and preferably something people won’t feel through my clothes.” I insist. “I’m pretty sure I’ve had a few close calls already.”

“Short of using a sports bandage for an excuse, you’re going to just have to be more careful. We can get some less visible colors though so things shouldn’t show through your clothes.”

The store thankfully has a pretty broad selection of sports bras varying from ones designed to be worn on their own as a top, to ones that are more subtle for under your clothing. Between the girls and I, we managed to select four that should do a fair job at controlling the twins. I’d love to describe them to you in delicious feminine detail but they’re basic sports bras; there’s no lace, no pushups, just nice comfortable compression. These are to keep my girls in order, not put them up as the headline act.

I have a feeling that I won’t be able to stay out of that kind of underwear for long with these two idiots helping me; given half the chance they’ll have me dressed up like a frilly Barbie doll. Will I let them? Probably. I just have to avoid any permanent changes like piercings, plucking, or cuttings and I’m gold. Come on, those are the number one mistakes in trans fiction; our heroine gets her eyebrows done, or ears pierced when she’s not paying attention and the jig is up.

There’s not really a ton of exciting trans drama to this trip; I don’t try on pretty dresses or get a makeover. We enjoy browsing and chatting away and It feels so normal that I’m in heaven. I look forward to this being my typical shopping experience. One day Holly… one day. For now, I just have to take what little joy I can find, and by gosh I do.

“Here you go girls, enjoy.”

I take my coffee from the Barista while Megan and Kara grab their cups of caffeinated goodness. So far, not a single person has considered me anything other than another girl this afternoon and I’m well aware that I have to put this back in the box shortly. If I’m honest, I’m considering flights to Azerbaijan so that I don’t have to.

“Dad will be here in twenty,” Meg tells us sadly, checking her text messages. “Might want to neutralize Holly before he gets here.”

“God, I wish I didn’t have to go,” I admit quietly.

“I’m going to have to be so careful going forward to call you Alex,” she admits smiling forlornly. “It feels so fake now.”

Kara squeezes me in a friendly side hug. “Girl, if we weren’t already convinced that this is the real you, today would have just cemented that. You might have to pretend to be Alex for a while but our BFF Holly will always be just behind the surface.”

BFF… blub.

As I return myself to the neutral boy mode mess that is Alex, I can’t help but feel quite hollow now. This was the first time I really outwardly presented as female to the world at large with intent and it would change me forever. Seems silly that a half-assed makeover and shopping with my best friends was so monumental, but it felt like vindication after twenty years behind bars.

In those early days, even little experiences like this one felt amazing, and going back to full boy mode always stung. It wasn’t hard, being Alex. He was a good kid and he had a decent life. The truth was that it just wasn’t who I was.

Today had caused a problem; a little Holly had reached the surface and now she was gasping for air. The can of worms was opened, the signal beacons were lit and the cat was out of the bag. Keeping myself hidden behind Alex was now a countdown timer.

I suck at counting.

 

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