“Hey honey, how’s the trip going?”

“Hey Mom,” I smiled as I held the phone to my ear. I was picturing her sitting on the sofa back at home in our living room. It felt like an age since I had seen her and yet, it had only been four long days. They do say that time flies when you’re having fun… I suppose the same applies to chaos.

“It’s… well, it’s been quite busy, I guess.”

This was quite categorically the understatement of the century. It was in fact, somewhat akin to implying that the First World War was a minor disagreement over personal space. While I dive into explaining things to Mom, I should probably take a step back and explain what happened in Sarah and Tina’s room, right? I suspect that you’re quite keen to follow on from chapter twenty-nine. Gosh, I’m such a tease.

The girl’s eyes narrowed and she grabbed a handful of chest.

“Youch! Hands off,” I squealed, pushing her back and realizing immediately that she knew.

“You’ve got boobs!”

Oh dear.

“I… uh… so do you!”

Yup, I said that. That was the smartest shit that I’ve ever said in my life. Even smarter than anything I ever said during or after medical school. Quite possibly the most mature and well-considered defeat of an argument that ever took place. Admittedly, the US Supreme Court has me beat with their Conservative majority opinion of “Nuh-uh, your face!”

The girl looked confused for a moment and I questioned whether or not I had sufficiently broken her brain. “But you’re a… boy,” she pointed out falteringly. “Aren’t you?”

Between the struggles of the last few months and the strange mental clarity of a near-death experience, I was running out of reasons to hide myself. In my head, today had been a watershed moment in my career as fuck-farmer. This season’s crop had been too low and I had to admit defeat and declare bankruptcy; there were no fucks left to give. There was a point of no return and a decision was laid out before me. Two buttons, and I had full control over which I wanted to press.

Ending up in the dress was the awkward result of my appearance and circumstances. I doubt the boat crew would have ever suggested such a thing to someone they saw as a boy. They did not… and as such, the conundrum, the escapade, the shenanigan was established.

My classmates saw Alex in a dress; it was funny to them, no matter how confusing I clearly was. I looked like I belonged like this, and that seemed to press some sort of button for them. They did not consciously realize it, but it seemed to be resonating somewhere in their little monkey brains.

I didn’t want to be Alex in a dress. I wanted to be Holly.

Fuck it.

“I’m not a boy,” I told her flatly, “I never was.”

“But you’re in the boys' school, right? I don’t get it.”

“I’m trans,” I sighed. “Born a boy, not a boy, don’t want to be one.”

She blinked at me for a moment, “Oh, really?”

I guess that explains why she looks like us,” the other girl pointed out from the bed. “Why didn’t you say that earlier?”

Whadafuq?!

“Huh?”

“On the boat,” she explained. “The whole ‘I’ve got to do this because it’s all they had,’ routine?”

“It was all they had… or all they brought me.”

“So why not just say you were a girl?”

“Because I was trying to hide it,” I sighed.

“Not very well if you’re wearing a dress,” she countered.

I mean, she has a point, but still.

“I’m Kelly and this is Jenny.” She offered, gesturing at her friend, Grabby McTits.

“Holly,” I replied, giving a small embarrassed wave and pointing at myself, “my real name.”

She smiled, and I felt instantly disarmed. Fuck this, fuck hiding, I’m done.

“Sarah, can I steal a top? I want to get out of this getup.”

Sarah seemed to snap out of her moment and nodded. “I got something that would look good on you, but are you sure though?”

“I’m done hiding,” I sighed, plucking at my skirts. “I nearly died today, they can’t make me feel any worse. Holly is here for the rest of this damn trip.”

She grinned, and at that moment I knew that she had my back. Almost at the same moment, the lock cycled and the door swung open as Tina returned from whatever she was up to. She spotted me, Sarah, and the other girls at the same moment, and her eyes went wide. “Is everything ok?”

I shrugged and nodded, “We’re cool.”

She glanced between us and gave me a look, “Shouldn’t we get you out of that thing and back into your normal clothes, Alex?”

“Holly,” I corrected, “they already know.”

“Aw fuck,” she sagged. “Did I miss the existential moment?”

“Yes and no” I rolled my eyes. “That comes later.”

“You mean?”

“Holly is coming to dinner.”

Tina beamed. “I knew this was going to be fun.”

 

 

“Are you telling me that you fell into the river Rhine… you fell off a ship, into the river, fudging, Rhine?”

I held the phone away from my ear and grimaced as Mother Dearest bellowed into the other end. I waited for her to quieten down before putting it back to my ear. “Kinda?”

“What do you mean, ‘kinda’, Holly Juliette Winters?”

Uh oh, Sunday names.

“I got pushed, some drunk guys slipped. It was a huge accident. One minute I was standing there with the girls, the next, I was already falling.”

“And you’re ok?” she asked more calmly, the tone of her voice almost anguished now. “You’re not… hurt?”

“A little superficial frostbite, but nothing lasting. The doctor who saw me said I didn’t even need to go to the emergency room.”

“A doctor?”

“A Dutch lady that was on holiday,” I explained. “She examined me and told me I had a mild case of superficial frostbite, but it was only very minor. Otherwise, I was a little mildly hypothermic but I would recover just fine by staying warm.”

“I wish I was there,” she sighed. “I’m going to call your teacher and see what she has to say. This sort of thing is highly irregular, honey.”

“I know Mom, it… wasn’t planned.”

“I hope not,” she sighed. I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was running her hand through her hair from the rustling sound over the phone.

There was a moment of silence on the line before I plucked up the courage to make my final statement. “I don’t think Alex is coming home.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, after all the confusion this week, the dress today, people… my whole near-death thing. I’m done, Mom.”

“Are you sure it wouldn’t be sensible to wait until you’re back home? There’s only one more week, honey.”

I stared up at the ceiling as I lay back on my bed. “No; I’m done, Mom. I’ve given all that I can give, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be him any longer or it will drive me insane. Today also made me realize that I don’t want to experience something so formative, such a big deal like this trip, as someone that I’m not.”

Did I tell her that I nearly died and I couldn’t stand the idea of being buried as Alex? No; she didn’t need to hear that. I know my family would never have buried me as a boy, I wasn’t their son anymore and I trusted them with that. They loved me as their daughter. The problem was I was legally Alex, a boy, and the idea of dying with that uncorrected felt like the greatest lie in history.

There was quiet for a moment on the line, only the static of the international connection. “I understand,” she replied simply. “I’ll speak to Mrs Whistler when I get off the phone with you sweetheart. I’ll… we’ll deal with this, ok?”

“I’m sorry Mom. I just couldn’t make it.”

“Don’t ever be sorry for being yourself, Holly. Just make sure you’re safe and well, ok?”

I smiled. “I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

I hung up the phone and padded through to my bathroom. The girl in the mirror looked exhausted, but after the day she had experienced, she had seriously earned it.

I brushed my hair, washed my face, and regarded myself again. I looked a little less exhausted, but I wasn’t going to win any beauty contests. My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I felt pretty hungry. There wasn’t much putting off what was coming so I walked back through to the bedroom to get dressed.

I had borrowed a couple of bits from some of the gang as I had nothing Holly with me. As you can imagine I wasn’t wearing anything of Tina’s any time soon, but then again, she shopped in the little kids section. The girls had all contributed a few items to the cause. It was going to enable me to make what was going to either be a huge mistake or the best decision of the rest of my life.

I had a cute white slouchy top with a scoop neck layered over a black camisole that let me show off that I had boobs without getting me in any trouble. I got a pair of black skinny jeans from Emma and some fleece boots from Chloe and I thought I looked pretty good.

No skirt you say? But how do I spinny? Dear reader, it is December in Germany and I was recently swimming in ice water. I am not wearing a damn skirt, deal with it.

Returning to the bathroom, I fixed my hair and fastened my snowflake necklace, this time, allowing it to sit proudly against my skin where it could be seen by all. Holly Winters looked back at me, and she looked pretty decent if I do say so myself. It wasn’t perfect, and I was pretty tired, but the important thing was that it was Holly who looked back at me.

There was a knock at the door that tore me away from my moment of self-reflection. Wandering through, I opened the door to find the rest of the gang waiting just outside. Their smiles told me that this had been the right call. Their smiles told me that I had friends by my side no matter what went down tonight.

“Thought you might want this,” Chloe grinned, holding out a small brown leather handbag. “I brought a spare for different outfits… you can keep this one.”

“You sure?” I asked, clutching the purse in my hands.

“Can’t have a girlfriend in need, can I?” she smiled.

I hugged her and quickly transferred my bits and pieces to the bag.

“No makeup?” Emma queried, looking at my naked face.

I smirked, “I don’t exactly have any with me for this trip, but I think I’ll be ok.”

She shook her head. “No way; you’re not making your big debut looking like you just got dragged out of the water.”

“They did,” point out dryly.

“Bathroom,” Sarah ordered, hefting her makeup bag and grinning like a hyena.

Fifteen minutes later, I joined the rest of the gang in the elevator. My hair was flowing freely but clipped behind my right ear with a barrette and I had a decent but subtle makeup job courtesy of Sarah’s talented claws. I looked considerably less corpsey, which was a major bonus.

I won’t lie, my stomach was in my mouth as we descended, and it wasn’t entirely the fault of the elevator. I knew Mom had likely spoken to Frau Whistler, so the adults were hopefully on the same page with me. Everyone else was a huge question mark, however.

The other kids were easier to handle when they were making fun of a male classmate because he wasn’t really me. There was a layer of separation between Alex taking a social hit and Holly. What would happen when I told them that I wasn’t him, would that change? The elevator came to a stop on the ground floor and the doors slipped open. Well, here goes nothing.

I followed the girls through to the dining room and passed a couple of our classmates along the way. At first, nobody seemed to notice anything different. One or two boys even checked us out in their not-so-subtle attempt to be subtle. Thankfully nobody seemed to react negatively yet. Either I had always somewhat blended in with the other girls or they hadn’t realized it was me.

I was listening to Emma telling a story about a summer camp she had attended when I caught sight of the first people looking our way and whispering. It didn’t bother me too much as I had been waiting for it. The Dirndl had an explanation, but Holly didn’t yet have one.

“I think the jig is up,” Tina smirked, sipping her water as she followed my gaze.

One of the boys' tables was staring quite openly in my direction. They were laughing together about something but as yet had not engaged further. Thankfully our teacher’s arrival managed to curb any further shenanigans.

“Can I have everyone’s attention?” Herr Norton called out to the assembled teens. “We’re about to have dinner after a very eventful day and I want everyone to focus on that for the time being. Afterward, I’d like you all to come straight through to the hotel’s function room. We have a brief matter to address and then your evening will be yours.”

Well, that was us told. I’m pretty certain now that Mom has gotten through to them.

“You ok?” Sarah asked as our soup was brought out.

I shrugged, “Probably, but I’m pretty sure we’ll find out shortly.”

“Have they said anything to you?” Emma queried.

“No,” I admitted. “That’s likely more positive than not. I think they’d have cornered me if they were against it. They both already knew anyway.”

“Worst kept secret of the trip,” she snickered.

She wasn’t wrong.

After dinner, we made our way through to the hotel’s function room. It was a pretty generic space that I expect was usually used to host conferences for depressed businessmen in cheap suits selling tile. Right now, however, it was plainly obvious that I was the center of attention.

“Are we all here?” Frau Whistler called, drawing everyone’s attention. “Excellent. Now I want all of you to listen to what I have to say. Listen clearly and without interruption or you will be removed from the room. We will take questions afterward if they are sensible and considerate.”

She looked around and nodded to herself before continuing. “I think you’ve all noticed that one of our students appears a little different at the moment.”

“Not that much,” a boy’s voice sniggered.

Frau Whistler’s glare silenced the comment almost immediately. “As you know, our school has a zero-tolerance policy against harassment of GLBT students and as such, bullying people for being part of said group is a serious offense. This will result in the most severe punishments up to and including expulsion, is that clear?”

There was a murmur of assent from the assembled teens.

“This is going to be a little complicated when it comes to names and pronouns, so please bear with me, ok? They may seem confusing but I promise it will make sense in the end.”

“When someone is transgendered it means that their sense of self, their identity doesn’t match with how they were born. It’s easy to jump to daytime TV shows and film tropes but the reality is far more simple.”

She looked over at me and I knew it was coming. “I’m sure you all know Alex Winters. As you can currently see, she doesn’t look much like an Alex. This is because her preferred name is Holly and she is transgender.”

She smiled at me, “Holly has been in medical treatment for some time. The school and her family are aware and both are fully supportive. It was intended that, at the end of the semester, she would leave the Boys’ Division and transfer across to the Girls’ to continue her education. This has not happened quite to plan, as you can tell. If anyone has any questions, they can direct them to Holly, if she wants to come over here?”

I sheepishly walked over to Frau Whistler trying my best not to return my dinner and emulate that movie with the catholic priests and the head spinning. I smiled weakly at the crowd, publicity isn’t my favorite adventure as you can imagine, and waited for the hammer to drop.

One girl raised a hand and Frau Whistler nodded. “Is h…is she moving rooms?”

“No,” Frau Whistler shook her head. “Holly already had a single room because of this, we didn’t think it appropriate that she share with any boys given her… status.”

Yeah, like the fact that I’ve got boobies.

Another hand went up. “ Are you getting a sex change?”

“You don’t have to answer that,” Frau Whistler pointed out to me.

I shrugged, “It’s a little more complicated than that but in really basic terms, yeah, I guess I am.”

“What bathroom are you going to use?”

“Uh, a free one?” I’m a comedian, I am.

The questions went on along the expected pathways so I won’t bore you with the monotony of the dumb shit people ask transgender people. Genuinely, you would be surprised how few boundaries people think exist when it comes to the sordid world of human sex and gender.

Eventually, people exhausted their questions and the teachers dismissed the now far less interested teenagers. The looks hadn’t changed, but they had at least reduced in frequency. I was pretty sure I was going to have to get used to that for a while.

“Holly?”

I glanced over my shoulder at Frau Whistler. Tina and the others continued on a short way before pausing to wait just out of earshot.

“This caught us a little out of the blue, but I think it was going to become inevitable at some point.”

I nodded, “I agree, but I am sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she smiled. “I think they’ll get used to you quite quickly. Truth be told, this should have been the way the entire time; get a smaller group used to the idea so that when you return to the pond, the shine has worn off somewhat.”

“Far more thought out than reality I guess.”

She smiled and pointed at the girls waiting by the door. “Go on and get off with you. You need some serious rest after your day. Those girls are good friends, Holly.”

I caught up to the gang and we made our way back out toward the lounge area. While our teachers didn’t permit us alcohol on the trip, we were allowed to use the area for coffee and soft drinks. At this point, I needed a good coffee really badly.

“That went better than I think I expected,” Tina offered, dropping heavily onto a cozy sofa.

“Nobody wanted to burn the witch, so I think that’s progress,” I agreed. “This wasn’t my plan, you need to know that.”

Chloe put a hand on my leg and squeezed. “I think it was gonna happen sooner than later, you weren’t fooling many people.”

“Uh, hey?”

I turned towards the sound of the voice. Three girls were stood a little awkwardly by our encampment, all of them not so subtly looking in my direction.

“Oh, hi?”

“Can we join you guys?”

“The more the merrier,” Sarah shrugged, waving toward the empty seats.

“Are you ok?” One asked, after sitting across from me. She was a shorter Asian girl, I think her name was Amy.

I smiled, “I’m a lot better, thanks. A lot more emotional trauma than physical, but I’m going to be a bit gun-shy around water for a while.”

“I can imagine,” she agreed readily. “I’m really glad you’re not hurt.”

“That’s the first time that someone’s asked about my health today,” I smirked.

“I figured you’d had enough of other questions.”

“Are those yours?” One of the others asked shyly, gesturing at my chest.

“Oh they’re all her,” Tina laughed. “I’ve seen them at the gym.”

“Huh?”

“Her bazongas, norks, titties, fun bags, breasticles,” Tina mimed big boobs with her hands. “I’ve seen ‘em; all her.”

“I don’t know how someone so small manages to be so crass,” I cringe.

“You should have seen her in sex ed.” The other girl chimed in with a giggle.

I gave Tina a pointed look, “I can barely imagine.”

“You know, I had been wondering all week what your deal was,” the third girl opined. She was a tall blonde with quite Nordic facial features, heck, she made me feel positively short.

“My deal?”

“I mean, you looked like a girl but you weren’t in our class. You only hung out with these guys.” she gestured at my friends. “We weren’t really sure what to think.”

“Yeah, I really suck at the whole guy thing.”

“How exactly do you feel like a girl?” Amy asked.

That really was the number one question, wasn’t it? How does anyone ever feel like anything? I sat back and thought for a moment.

“When I was really little, I loved my siblings so very much; my big brother and sister were rock stars to me. I loved Rob, don’t get me wrong, but I just felt closer to my sister Christine. I cannot explain why, but I always felt like of the two she was the one that felt like a role model to me. I was always drawn to play with her and to be like her because it felt… right.”

“I loved Rob; he was an amazing guy. Always being brave, strong, and protective of us all. I loved him so much, even when he went out of his way to show off and annoy me.”

There was a giggle at the last remark.

“With Christine, I knew that we had something special; that we were the same, somehow. But as I got older, I was told that I was like Rob, not her. I should dress like him, play with him, look like him. No matter how much I loved him, that felt wrong.”

I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye and smiled at the memories. “The truth is, I didn’t know how to describe how I felt; there wasn’t language for it. I looked like Rob downstairs and not like Chrissie; That meant that I was a boy. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea that this could be… wrong.”

I looked at the somber faces around me and smiled. “Fast forward a whole bunch of depression and introspection and I realized that I was like Chrissie. What was on the outside didn’t matter; I was a girl too. Strangely, realizing that truth was what made it all hurt so much worse.”

“Why?” Sarah asked softly, her eyes full of love at that moment.

“If you live in darkness, you’re used to it. When you know the room is meant to be well-lit, you start to wonder what you’re missing and what life must be like for those who get to live in the light. You start to realize that you’re wrong. The worst part is, I still had no idea that I could change the lightbulb.”

I saw the blank expressions so I continued. “I knew that I was a girl, but I thought that was it; I was a girl inside a boy and there was nothing I could do about it. I would grow up like my brother and dad and become a man. Deep down inside I knew that it would kill me.”

I was crying a lot harder now and I had to stop to wipe my tears, my pretty makeup be damned. “Then one day, I discovered this woman, this popstar from Israel. She was in this great big contest and was representing her nation. She went on to win the whole contest and it turned out that she had been born a boy; she was transgender. My eyes blew open that day and I could never close them again.”

“It’s funny,” I smiled. “I never knew that anyone else felt like me; that anyone else had this same feeling of being trapped. Better yet, I now knew that I could do something about it.”

“You told your parents?” The blonde asked.

I shook my head, “I had already been sent to the Boys’ Division of our school so I was convinced beyond all rational thought that they would send me to get me corrected somehow. Instead, I bought hormones on the internet. It was so incredibly stupid, I know, but I had to do something. If I could prevent myself from turning into my father or Rob, if I could buy myself time until I got to college where I could be independent… That if I was lucky, I could enact my plan to be me.”

“Until that worked about as well as using a pissed-off raccoon as a toilet brush,” Tina interjected with a chuckle.

I looked across at her and knew that her grin was one of genuine kinship. There was a deep care that shot between us in that moment and I knew that she was on my team for good.

“Yeah,” I smiled sardonically. “I had taken advice from people who started this in their forties and fifties; for them, it all worked a lot slower. In early puberty? I had no chance at all. I made it five or six months before my parents were pretty sure. My sister was pretty sure before she saw my boobs one day and Rob… well, he was kinda oblivious. I was really struggling to be Alex at all anymore.”

“That’s wild,” Amy shook her head. “What are you going to do now?”

I shrugged, “I have no idea; right now I’m making things up as I go along. I was meant to wait until the semester was over before I was transferred. Now, cope, I guess?”

“We got your back girl,” Chloe smiled, squeezing my knee. “I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say we got you covered, ok?”

Looking around at the others, I saw support and friendship. It was a strangely comforting feeling. All of a sudden, I thought it might actually be possible to do this thing. I was acutely aware that seven girls did not mean unlimited support, but I was pretty confident that with even a small group of allies, I would fare reasonably well.

This whole situation certainly made me consider how I related to others and how they related to me. Girls had come to ask me questions and to get to know me. They wanted to check me out and assess if I was serious or not. The truth of the matter was that I posed a potential risk until they understood this whole thing better. You have to remember that this is 2004; the whole concept of being transgender was still very very unknown outside of media’s phenomenally helpful tropes.

I understood why they were curious and why they felt that way and I didn’t feel threatened by that. I was confident in who I was and what that meant. One thing I had learned from Kara and Meg was that asking for their support would get me a lot further than demanding it.

I would learn in years to come that life as a woman can sometimes come down to a constant series of threat assessments; people, places, and situations. In this case, rather than make a judgment, they wanted to know if I was on the same team as them. If I was, then I was no threat and they could relax.

Some might find that offensive or judgemental but it’s sad a human reality; we fear the unknown. I was blessed that they wanted to find out rather than make a judgment instead. It was for the same reason that I always asked to be included but never demanded it; I knew how that felt and I understood. I was confident in who I was and what they would find.

The big unknown for me was still the boys; Other than some jokes and comments I wasn’t really sure what my reception would be. Time would tell, and my hope was that they could find the understanding to see the real me too. It was certainly going to be interesting.

Our conversation lasted for another couple of hours before we all began to drift off toward our beds. The best part of the evening was when I had stopped being the center of attention. Eventually, we were just a group of girls talking like any normal group. The feeling of just being another human being cannot be overstated.

When I fell asleep that evening I was surprisingly content. After one hell of a turbulent and chaotic day, I felt final peace. While not the entire school, the die was cast. It was no longer in my hands; Holly was here.

 

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