Totally Insane 24–Reservations.
by Angharad

While driving home Daddy remarked, “That was unexpected.”

I was staring out of the window and not really listening. My eyes were red and my mascara was probably over half of my face.

“Kylie, I’m talking to you,” he complained.

“Um, what? Sorry, Daddy, I was miles away.”

“I said that interview was a bit unexpected–I don’t mean the appointment, but the manner in which Dr Schlessinger conducted it. I thought you two liked each other?”

“So did I,” I sniffed and continued gazing out the window.

“Will you go and see her again? You have an appointment.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I trust her any more.”

“I think I can see why,” he patted me on the knee, “We’ll see what the boss thinks about it.” I looked a little confused at him. “The boss, your mother–you surely didn’t think I was in charge, did you?”

I smiled at him, I’m sure he was only trying to make me feel better.

“That’s it, keep smiling, you’re a pretty kid when you smile.” I smiled again, then wondered if that meant I wasn’t when I didn’t smile? My mind went back on autopilot.

“Would you like to go for lunch somewhere?”

“Um–what,? Daddy.”

“Kylie, just because you’re a pretty face doesn’t mean you can’t have any brains as well, just try and focus them for a moment–if you can. I asked if you’d like to go for lunch somewhere?”

“I don’t know, Daddy, I feel a mess and my makeup is all over my face.”

“It’s only eleven o’clock, I’ve got some phone calls to make, so you have an hour to tart yourself up. Go and clean yourself up and put on a nice dress and I’ll treat you to lunch.” When I dithered as we came through the front door, he slapped my bottom and told me to, ‘Go and get ready, because he could taste a steak roll already.’ He wasn’t going to listen to my moans and groans, so I did as he said.

I washed my face and redid my makeup, adding some eyeliner and a more noticeable lip gloss. I also put my hair in a plait, which I was doing much more easily than before.

As he said dress, I put on a skirt and top and used my boots with the inch-high heel, they made me feel much more grown up. Daddy was still on the phone, so I gave myself a squirt of perfume and then cleaned and painted my nails. I smudged one so had to do it again, by which time it was midday. They had just dried when he called me down as he was ready to go.

“Don’t tell your mother we went out to lunch, she’ll make me take her out more often and she eats more than you,” he said winking at me.

“I’ll keep mum,” I said smiling back.

“No, I keep Mum, and she costs me a fortune.” He made a funny face and I laughed, it felt much better as I began to throw off my miseries from the morning. “Steak roll?” he asked as we went into the pub.

“Please,” I answered and went to the table in the corner. The pub was filling up and we only got that little table because someone else had just left it. I collected up the dirty plates and glasses and put them on a neighbouring table, so we wouldn’t have to sit amongst them.

Daddy came back with a Guinness for himself and a cola for me. “I spoke to Dr Brown about this morning’s experience.” I felt surprised, did he have to tell anyone except Mummy? “He said he was very surprised that Dr Schlessinger had been so off-hand with you. He said he’d have a think about an alternative doctor if you want one.”

“Thank you, Daddy, but shouldn’t we wait to speak to Mummy first.”

“Of course, but you’re the patient, not your mother. So if you’re not happy, we change things.”

“Thank you, Daddy.”

“That’s okay, you’re my little girl aren’t you, I have to look after you–it’s what Dads are for.”

I smiled at him and felt choked. He’d never have made this fuss of me as a boy, of that I was certain. I felt my eyes get a little moist and it was only the arrival of our food and the distraction it offered, that I didn’t start sniffing again.

I struggled to finish the roll, and only did so because I knew he’d be disappointed if I didn’t–being a girl was a real mixed blessing. “Oh look,” he said, “they have apple pie and cream, I think I’ll have some of that, shall I get you one as well?”

I shook my head, I felt so full. “Sure?” he asked and I nodded that I was completely sure. “Oh well, your loss.” He went to order. He came back and we chatted some more. I was sure that despite my declining his offer, he’d ordered me a piece of pie. I was surprised when the waitress came back with just one portion, with a dish of ice cream. I glared at him, “Go on, I know you love ice cream, I even got them to put some chocolate sauce on it for you.”

I didn’t think I could force it down, but I did, and there was room for more. However, I stopped while I was ahead. “Are you going into Emma’s this afternoon?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think we arranged anything.”

“Do you want to, or would you prefer to be on your own?”

I shrugged my reply, I didn’t care.

“Kylie, I don’t like to see you like this. If you want, you can come around with me, but you’ll have to sit in the car quite a lot.”

“No, Daddy, I’ll go home.”

“Sure? I can phone Em if you want.”

“No, ‘t’ sokay, I’ll be all right. Actually, I feel quite tired.” I yawned.

“Oh don’t start thaaaaaat,” he said, yawning himself, “damn, now you have me doing it.”

I grinned, my eyes were a bit wet through my yawning, and he grinned back at me and poked out his tongue. I did the same back to him and we both laughed.

He took me home and went off to do his work, I knew he’d be late because he’d have to catch up on the time he took off this morning. He spoiled me, because I was suffering from a mental illness, least that’s what Dr Wassername said. I was bonkers. Funny I didn’t feel particularly barmy, but maybe that just proved I was; after all, she’s the expert, her and that American book, what was it called, some sort of annual, like my pile of Rupert Bear ones upstairs. Mummy told me to look after them because they could be valuable one day, as long as they were in good condition. She has a pile of old books from her childhood, she used to laugh when I read them–Judy, and Bunty Annual. I used to like reading them, I’m too old now–perhaps I’ll get one down and make sure.

“Well look at you?” My mother was chuckling at me; I had fallen asleep on the sofa while reading a 1979 Judy Annual. I blushed and yawned.

“Sorry, Mummy, I fell asleep, I meant to have the kettle boiling for you.”

“Goodness, Kylie, I haven’t seen these books for years.”

“Sorry, Mummy.”

“What for?”

I burst into tears, “For taking your books without asking.”

She hugged me and put her arm around me, “You silly goose, you can always read my books, maybe I should pass them on to you anyway–after all, you’re the girl of the house now.”

I felt secure in her arms and cried some more, simply because I felt safe and I didn’t have to hold back any more. When she calmed me down, we made some tea and seated at the kitchen table, she asked how I’d got on that morning.

“Dr Shrinkle-wotsit, got cross with me, she told me I was a mental case, and she’d give me hormones next year if she like, felt like it.”

“Your father called me at lunch.”

“But he was with me at lunch?” I looked at her in astonishment.

“He called from the pub, he told you he’d gone to the toilet.”

“Oh yeah, he did go just after we’d got there.”

“He told me what had happened. So how do you feel about it?”

“I don’t wanna go there again if she’s just like, gonna put me down.”

“You were getting a bit twitchy.”

“I know, I know, but I want boobs like the other girls.”

“Kylie, you’re eleven, not fifteen. I didn’t have breasts at your age, neither do most of your contemporaries.”

“Gemma does, I’ve felt them.” Oops, that wasn’t supposed to come out like that. Mummy looked shocked.

“Is that what you were doing at her sleepover? Feeling each other’s chests?”

“No, Mummy, I meant when we hugged, they pressed into my chest.”

“If they pressed into your chest, they are probably as fake as yours.”

“Why?” I pouted, “When you hug me, yours poke into my chest.”

“Kylie, I’m a grown woman who has breast fed two children, I am somewhat better endowed than an eleven…”

“She’s twelve now,” I interrupted.

“Correction, twelve year-old girl. So will you be one day.”

“When though?”

“I don’t know, Kylie, look you have the rest of your life to have boobs, when you do have them, you’ll find they are a mixed blessing, so is wearing a bra.”

“I’d love to have to wear a bra, instead of these stupid foam things.”

“I said things like that when I was your age, nowadays, I can’t wait to take the blessed thing off. Same with these wretched shoes–and I know you can’t wait to wear heels.”

“Don’t you like being a girl, Mummy?”

“I’ve only ever thought about what it’s like being a man when I am on my period–stomach cramps and pain, plus all the mess–is a real nuisance. Sometimes, when I have to wear some stupid bit of clothing because your Daddy wants me to look good in front of his boss, or wear stupid shoes and he wants to dance all night. Then when men overlook my opinion because I’m a woman, that irritates me like crazy. You’ve got all this to come, my little lambkin, only you’ve chosen it, I didn’t.”

I hugged her tightly and felt very anxious, this girl stuff sounded worse than being a boy, and I’d already failed at that. I had to succeed at being a girl, I just had to.

“Are you still sure you want to be a girl and grow breasts and wear ridiculous clothes and shoes?”

I paused for a moment, then nodding my head, I said, “Actually, yes I do.”

She hugged me, “Kylie, if you’d been a boy of any sort, you’d have run off screaming. I’ve known for a long time that you were struggling as a boy, although seeing you as a girl the first time surprised me, it didn’t shock me. Now I’m as sure as I can be that you really are as much a girl as ever I was.”

I hugged her back, “I know that now, Mummy, but I didn’t before. But Dr Andrea, thinks I’m a nutcase.”

“Why do you think that?”

“She told me so, it’s in some big American book she has.”

“After your father rang, I called her to ask her what happened. She was very sorry that you had reacted badly to what she said and she apologises to you. She’s had problems with another patient demanding things and when you appeared to be doing so, she decided to close you down.”

“If she was really sorry, she’d give me hormones.”

“You’re too young for hormones, she told me she’d consider them after she’d known you for a year, and that is quicker than the usual clinic, in some places you’d have to wait until you’re sixteen or eighteen before they start oestrogens.”

I was horrified. Eighteen! God, I’d be nearly as old as Mummy. Maybe I’d better stick with the devil I know and get them in a year’s time.

“Oh-oh, it’s a meeting of the local coven,” said Brian cheekily as he breezed in through the kitchen door. “What’s for tea, ladies?” He went to the fridge and pulled out a can of cola and after cracking the ring pull, gulped it down and burped noisily.

“Brian, you are disgusting,” chided my mother, exactly the reaction he wanted to provoke, he laughed and disappeared upstairs. “One day, I shall murder that boy.”

“He’s all right really, Mummy, he just likes to wind you up.”

“You’ve changed your tune, a week or two ago you were hoping he’d end up in a bra and knickers.”

“Okay, so maybe we understand each other a bit better now.”

“I think I need to sit down,” she said feeling her forehead with the back of her hand, “I’m hallucinating, I thought I heard you say you understood each other. A girl and a boy, brother and sister understanding each other–that’s like the first time since Adam and Eve.”

“That’s just ‘cos you read all those silly books, you know, Men like Mars and Women like Bounty.”

She roared with laughter, “Kylie, you are so funny.”

“Why, what did I say?”

“The book is called, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.”

“Oh, well you knew what I meant,” I blushed, it had puzzled me as a title but confirmed my own feelings because I’ve always liked Bounties more than Mars bars.

“I did indeed, come on, go and change quickly and we’ll do the dinner together, then I’ve got some marking to do.”

We had one of my favourites, egg and chips, scrummy. Brian wolfed his down and then started pinching my chips. The only problem is that the salt on the chips makes me thirsty, so I had to drink an extra cup of tea.

The phone rang and Brian almost jumped over the table to answer it. He came back with a face like thunder, “It’s Gonnersall for you, don’t be all night.”

I went into the lounge to talk to Philip. “How’d you get on with the shrink, did she give you the pills?”

“No, she gave me a telling off.”

“What for?”

“For asking for the pills.”

“Just as well I got you some then, wasn’t it?”

“Looks like.”

“Are you taking them?”

“ ‘Course I am.”

“Okay, I’ve found some more, two more packs. I’ll bring one round tomorrow.”

“Can you leave it a bit longer, I’ll tell you when the others have all gone.”

“You’re not takin’ ‘em, are you?”

“I am, I’ve taken three or four so far.”

“Only three or four, I gave them to you two weeks ago. Geez, Kylie, you’ll never have boobs.”

“Mummy says I will, and because she’s got big ones, she said I should, too.”

“Oh yeah, my bimbette with big bazookas, love it.”

“Who are you calling a bimbette?”

“Uh, nobody, I said nymphette .”

I didn’t believe him, but he had some more of the magic pills. My quandary was, what would happen if they found out I was taking them? It wouldn’t be good.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, you coming around?” I asked.

“Oh, I nearly forgot, there’s a badminton match tomorrow, so bring your frilly knickers and your racquet. We’ll collect you at half six.”

“Gee thanks for all the advance warning.”

“Sorreeee for breathing,” he snapped back.

“You’d better keep doing it, Philip Gonnersall, just so I can kiss you and take your breath away.”

“Wow,” he said, “I can’t wait.”

“Nor me,” I said giggling. I handed the phone back to Brian who snatched it and snarled at me. I didn’t think trolls could do that.

Mummy was just finishing the dishes when I went back to the kitchen. “So, are you going to see Dr Schlessinger again?”

“Looks like I don’t have much choice.”

“And you’ll wait another year for the oestrogens?”

“Like, do I have much alternative?”

“I suppose not. I’m sorry that you feel things aren’t progressing as fast as you’d like them to, but in reality, you’ve come such a long way in such a short time. Some people take years to get where you are. In a couple of months, you’ll be starting school as a girl. I think you’re doing so well.”

“Hey, Sis, can you sew my jeans? I’ve split the seam again.” A pair of Brian’s jeans flew across the kitchen landing on the floor in front of us.

“Don’t touch them,” I said to Mummy who’d stooped to pick them up, “You aren’t wearing a biological warfare suit.”

She giggled and picked them up anyway. “Better get the sewing basket, young lady, I think I know what you’ll be doing for the next half an hour.”

“’Urry up, Ky, I’ve got a date in twenty minutes.”

“Twenty minutes?” I looked up from threading the needle, “You’ll be lucky, bruv.”

My mother cackled from somewhere behind me. “We’ll make a housewife of you yet, Kylie Mosse.”

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Gabi for express editing, and to Bonzi for keeping out of the way during the scribbling of this.