The following story was placed into my mind in its entirety when I was asleep. I am not a writer, but I was under a strange compulsion to put pen to paper. Well at least to hit the keyboard. I was dreaming perhaps, but Nixxi was the name of a distant relative I had heard of. My relative Nixxi would have been many years older than I had she lived, but she had died long before I was born. Nixxi is an unusual name, so inquisitive I looked into the story, and the little in the story I could check was certainly accurate. The Nixxi I knew of from my sleep was indeed my distant relative Nixxi.
Georgina McArdle.

Mr. Eindles the headteacher of Greendeepe Community High School looked solemn as he faced the school from the stage that morning. “It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you of the death over the weekend of Bella Dortmund. The injury she sustained from her recent accident skiing was more serious than anyone realised…”

The headteacher droned on and on, and Bella’s classmate Nicholas McArdle, who was called Nick by everyone except Bella who referred to Nicholas as Nixxi, was in shock. Bella had died. Bella was dead. Nixxi’s only friend and partner in all their school projects was no longer there. Bella who was the brains behind their English and humanities endeavours who loved puns and playing with words and language, but who needed help from Nixxi with mathematics and sciences was now beyond help in either direction. Bella who, Nixxi knew, was aware that she was more interested in girls than in boys was no longer interested in either. That Nicholas, who had known and hidden for years that she was really Nixxi and not Nick, no longer had the support of Bella, who’d known as long, was devastating.

Both teens had been confused and excited by the changes they and their lives were undergoing, and had been each other’s only support, for neither had the support of their families, nor indeed had any other friends. They had been initially somewhat tentative as they’d explored the possibility of a ‘normal’ seeming relationship, normal seeming that was in the eyes of their deeply homophobic and transphobic families and community. They knew that would at least take some of the societal pressure off them till they were old enough to move away from Greendeepe and establish a relationship on their own terms as two girls. Eventually, and only recently, they had made a lifetime commitment to each other. Now that was all over. So too, eventually, were the platitudes the headteacher considered appropriate under such circumstances.

Nixxi was angry as she went to class. The first class was biology with Mr. Muir, who at least was fair, for he despised and disliked all students not just Nixxi. Without emotion of any sort in his voice he went through the expected motions as he told the class to extend their project to include something that would be a tribute to Bella’s passing. He gazed coldly at Nixxi and said, “You’ll just have to do your best, Nick, but I’ll not be assessing your work any differently from anyone else’s.” Nixxi thought resentfully, ‘You didn’t need to say that, because I already knew it,’ and her anger intensified. She was angry with Mr. Eindles, Mr. Muir, her family, Bella’s family, their community, and the world. She was even angry with Bella.

Over the next few days, whilst under intense pressure caused by being completely alone due to the loss of Bella, Nixxi had made a couple of unfortunate remarks that had outraged the entire community once they had circulated. Nixxi’s first unfortunate remark had been made when some of the unintelligent jocks had been making lewd comment’s to the other boys concerning their disappointment that now Bella’s developing body would no longer be available for their exploration. Nixxi outraged in defence of Bella had said, “There’s no chance you would have had the opportunity. She certainly wasn’t interested in boys who couldn’t keep up with her in class, and she once told me folks she had to explain jokes to were boring.” It seemed an innocuous enough remark, but the boys only heard the part of Nixxi’s remark that meant anything to them. The part that went, “She certainly wasn’t interested in boys.” It was interpreted as a slur that Bella was into girls, which whilst true was entirely unintentional.

One of the boys had replied, “And what would a pansy fag like you know about what girls like? You’re so pathetic there’s no girl would ever be interested in you. You even look and behave more like a girl than a boy.”

Nixxi’s second unfortunate remark had been her reply, “If being a boy means being as disrespectful to girls as you and being as bad at class work as you are I’d rather be a girl.” Again the boys only heard part of what Nixxi had said, the part that went, “I’d rather be a girl.” Nixxi was promptly beaten up, yet again, and it was dark before she’d been able to make her way home.

That was all it took, two innocuous remarks taken out of context. Bella’s family were outraged by Nixxi’s ‘lies, filth and ungodliness’ and demanded Nixxi was disciplined. Nixxi’s family who were even more outraged and embarrassed by the ‘admission’ of wanting to be an unnatural pervert, for that was how they took Nixxi saying “I’d rather be a girl,” were in full agreement. The tragedy of it was it didn’t matter what Nixxi wanted to be, for she already was a girl and she had been since just after conception. After the beating, Nixxi couldn’t walk for several days. Days during which the family discussed how Nicholas could be ‘cured’. Nixxi’s father eventually proclaimed, “A drastic situation requires a drastic solution. Leave it to me.”

All her life Nixxi had been victimised and bullied for being unmasculine and her father discussed the matter with Bella’s father, Sheriff Dortmund. The sheriff who was a poker playing and drinking buddy of Nixxi’s father was a violent low life who enjoyed his job because it gave him opportunities to hurt folks who couldn’t retaliate. The sheriff arranged with Nixxi’s father to throw Nicholas for the night into a cell with one of the nastiest, most dangerous and brutal lifers in the local penal system. The plan was Nick would without any effort on their part be raped and brutalised and learn a lesson of what it would be like to be treated like a bitch. That would man Nick up and end any desire to be a girl. Sheriff Dortmund was gleeful at the prospect, for it served a number of purposes, his friend was enabled to sort out a serious family problem and would thus owe him a favour, his dead daughter, and he by association, would be vindicated from the evil slur of lesbianism, and he would be able to have someone seriously hurt with no risk to himself.

Carlson the lifer was carefully chosen by the sheriff, if he killed Nick the sheriff would kill him in ‘self defence’ the following day. Carlson, who had no relatives nor friends outside the penal system to complain about, nor demand an investigation into, his death, was, the sheriff considered, an ideal candidate for his plans. If Nick survived Carlson would be returned to prison by the friends of the sheriff who worked there and had who’d ‘lent’ him Carlson, and nothing more would ever be said.

In the late afternoon Nixxi was grabbed, beaten senseless and thrown into a cell a couple of hours before Carlson was pushed in after having had his hand cuffs and leg shackles removed. The sheriff and Nixxi’s father left them to it and went to while the evening away drinking and playing poker. When Carlson looked around the cell he’d been pushed into he saw Nixxi curled up in a corner of the cell. Nixxi was seriously hurt from the beating and was rocking and crying, more for Bella, the only person who’d ever understood her, than from the pain. Carlson didn’t understand what was going on, but no stranger to beatings and pain, in a tone of voice that even to himself was strangely gentle, he asked, “You okay, Son?”

Carlson helped Nixxi to sit up. Nixxi believed there was nothing she could do to influence what happened to her in the next twelve hours or so, a belief that was to prove to be wrong, so she explained why the pair of them were in the cell. Carlson was angered by the manipulation and said, “They’re just trying to use the pair of us for their entertainment, Girl, and I’m not playing their game, nor being set up for another murder charge.” Nixxi spent the night crying enfolded in Carlson’s arms who constantly stroked her hair and said “Hush, Little Girl, it’s gonna be okay.”

Nixxi was dragged out of the cell the following day, and her enraged and disappointed father and the sheriff beat an unresisting Carlson to death which was witnessed by a couple of other prisoners who were threatened with death if they ever repeated what they had seen. The story that was put out and reported was that Carlson had attacked the sheriff when he took his breakfast in and Nixxi’s father had helped to subdue him. His death was said to be accidental, but in the face of violence of that level the sheriff and his friend who had come to his assistance had had to respond appropriately to protect themselves. There was no mention of Nixxi in the official story. As is the way of such things the story circulated in the local prison and eventually reached outside and later still Nixxi’s ears.

Nixxi was being beaten up regularly, often more than once a day, and generally having a hard time of life both at home and at school. The loss of Carlson so soon after the loss of Bella hit her hard. One day, not long after her night in the cell, Nixxi just disappeared along with a laptop from the school and her father’s wallet. She typed a series of notes and letters some acknowledging her and Bella’s relationship. She wrote to the paster, to her father and family, to Bella’s family, to the school and its teachers and to her peers. She also wrote the story of her entire life including every detail of the last few months. All were to be sent electronically to the national media outlets and published on the internet as well as to the federal authorities as she lay in the final minutes of her life having arranged for the end of her life herself.

Dear Pastor Lukes,
I suspect this letter will make little difference to the way you think about and react to persons like Bella and myself, but that doesn’t matter, for ultimately you will be called to account before the final judgement. Then you will have to make whatever peace you can with your maker, and you, like everyone, will have to accept his judgement. What does matter is that I need to write this letter for myself. To be at peace with myself I have to forgive you. I suspect you will spit on and revile my forgiveness and be happy at my death. I hope not, and if I am wrong pray accept my apologies for misjudging you. Should that be the case please forgive me. Remember the creator said he made us all perfect in his image, and that includes Bella and myself. Whatever you or any other think or say we are both children of that creator. Neither you nor any other can take that away from us.
Live in peace
Love Nixxi

Dear Father, Mother and Family,
I still have no idea what I did to anger you all so much. I can not help being me. It wasn’t something I ever had a choice about. Bella always called me Nixxi. I am Nixxi and whether you like it or not and whether you approve of it or not I have always been Nixxi, and Nixxi is a girl. I am sure you will cast me out of the family the moment you receive this, but that won’t matter, for before you reach the end of this letter you can all rejoice in my death. You all made my life impossible, doubtless my death would be just an inconvenience to you, so I have made arrangements such that you will not be troubled by my obsequies and can just forget I ever existed. I am already far away and you will never hear about me again. I always tried to be a dutiful child and still I wish you well, but I am glad it will soon be over, for I can continue no longer. Arrogant I know for a daughter to chide her father, but, Father, had I been you, I would have chosen my friends more carefully.
Love Nixxi

Dear Dortmund Family,
I loved Bella, Bella loved me. I was not the one responsible for her death. I could not have been, for I was the one who needed her care and support more than any other, as she needed mine. It is hard to write without seeming to be full of recriminations, and I have no wish to hurt anyone just for the sake of it, but I wish the truth to be known, and I know Bella did too. We had talked about it. Bella was not interested in boys, she was interested in girls, and it was not a phase she would have grown out of any more than me being a girl was one I would have grown out of. We were interested in each other, and had decided to become an acknowledged couple seemingly just another boy girl couple to keep everybody happy till we could leave Greendeepe and live our own lives as a pair of in love women. That is the truth of it. We’d talked about it for hours. I have written about everything that has happened to me in my life including the time I was thrown in a cell with Carlson Jones, and it will all be public information by the time you finish reading this. Sheriff Dortmund I am probably already dead. I wish you no ill, but I am mightily relieved that I do not have to live with your conscience.
Love Nixxi

Dear Mr. Eindles and Staff of Greendeepe High School,
My life at school was difficult and painful, for school was not a tolerant environment for any who was different. It was certainly not a place in which any could thrive. The clever and average were victimised and the strong and so called alphas were not encouraged to achieve at anything that would help them as adults. The jocks’ and the cheerleaders’ lives were over once they left high school to join the real world. After that they changed tires and flipped burgers for the rest of their lives living on the edge of a poverty that the slightest hiccup could turn into a life on the streets. The only persons who did well after attending Greendeepe High School were the ones who left for a real education elsewhere. Though I never hated anyone, staff nor student, at school, I was never for a single second happy there. If that doesn’t matter to any of you then you are the one with the problem not me. I wish you well, but even more do I wish that my death brings about some change for future staff and students at Greendeepe. Unfortunately, I doubt it.
Love Nixxi

Dear Children and Teenagers of Greendeepe,
I was always puzzled by you, my peers. All of you with the single exception of Bella Dortmund picked on me, abused me and reviled me, and yet I always knew that many of you led unhappy lives, picked on, abused and reviled in your turn. Could I suggest that you band together in a pact of mutual support and protection rather than one of mutual offence and injury? I suggest this because if you don’t things will carry on as before. On average, one point two persons of our age die every year in the Greendeepe area. That’s six of us die every five years. One of us commits suicide due to an inability to continue living every twenty-seven months. Our community is a very small place, so those numbers are far too high. Maybe you will become the next statistic after me. I hope not.
Love Nixxi

Dear Carlson,
I know you are no longer here to read this, but I am sure that you know what is in my heart that is making me write it. I don’t know what you did to be in the place you were when we met, but I do know that the compassion, care and love for me that you shared that night more than atoned for your previous sins in the eyes of the almighty. Rest easy my friend, and never give up on yourself for you are well on your road to salvation. I heard what happened to you after I was dragged from your company. It takes a brave man to fight against impossible odds, but it takes a braver one to refuse to fight when those odds are intent on his death. You’d been described to me as the biggest monster in the state’s prisons, but know this my friend even then there were bigger monsters than you outside the prisons and your refusal to become an even bigger monster still than the two who brought about your death was your first step towards your redemption and immortality. The two who witnessed those events are now free and have testified as to events. The federal authorities have given them new identities far away and are intent on justice for all of us. We who have faced a higher court than the one your murderers shall appear before are judged by different criteria and I hope and trust that I shall be deemed as full of humanity as you were.
With much love and profound gratitude,
Love Nixxi

Dear Bella,
I’m not sure what to write. We were both fourteen. You were week older than I, now I am a month or so older than you and getting older by the day, but not for long. Finally I understand the deeper meaning of ‘They shall not grow old’, from the nineteen fourteen poem by Laurence Binyon. We had our entire lives before us and were both terrified and excited by that. You had realised that boys were not the answer to every girl’s dream, and I had long known that becoming a man was not the answer to every boy’s dream, and then you taught me too that boys were not the answer to every girl’s dream. We both, I’m sure, faced a difficult future, so perhaps this is for the best. You shall not grow old and I no longer wish to, for I would rather join you and be forever fourteen. I look forward to your company soon, but before I join you I have a thought that I know will amuse you. It seems strange, even if it’s true, that the ends of our adult lives shall precede their beginnings. I love you.
Love Nixxi

I discovered that many months later the fathers of both children were found guilty in a federal court of first degree murder. Both were sentenced for longer than either could ever have been expected to live, but neither were alive six months later. They may have been bigger monsters than those in prison as Nixxi suggested, but there were many monsters in the prisons who had known and liked Carlson Jones.

I investigated the small town of Greendeepe, and fifty years after Nixxi had taken her own life nothing had changed. The place was still a bastion of intolerance, and the local newspaper archives and all the state and local records including those one had to have special permission to access contained no mention of Nicholas, Nick, or Nixxi with or without the surname McArdle. I found evidence of Bella Dortmund, but no references to Nixxi in connection to her nor any to either of the children’s fathers’ court cases. Nixxi had been expunged from all records. I searched across the data bases of the entire US and there was no record of Nixxi, nor of any of her dead names of either gender. She had managed to make herself disappear. I have no doubt that she took her own life with a fake ID or even as Jane Doe a long way from Greendeepe, for even if living somewhere supportive her writings clearly indicated that she had no desire to live without Bella.

Georgina McArdle