CHAPTER 45
I looked across to Kim, whose face was twisting a little, and I absolutely no need to ask her the reason. Abruptly, she stood up and left the room, heading for either the kitchen or the back door. Shit. I touched my face, where that bruise had lingered for far too long. Give her a minute, then go after her, see she was okay.

To my surprise, the kitchen door opened again after about thirty seconds, and she called across to Alicia.

“Heavy shit, girl, so getting back to House tradition. Kettle’s on if you want a hot choccie. Loads of us do that, and I did, first day I was here, sort of. Remember those pubs, Debbie?”

“Pubs?”

“The one that told us to piss off, the first one? Then that nice guy with the hot soup and the open fire?”

“Oh, yes. Of course”

“Well, Alicia, love, that’s what we got here. My Dad’s a shit, and he won’t never change, but we had a few words. And other stuff. He moved away after that. Your Dad like that? Violent?”

Alicia looked up, clearly shaken.

“Did you say you were doing hot stuff? Could I?”

“Course you can, love. Now, Debbie met my Dad, so once we’ve got the drinks sorted, we can talk about yours. That suit?”

A nod from the newer girl, followed by a minor exodus as the others went to sort out their own drinks while I moved across to hold Alicia, who was skirting the edge of tears.

“I never wanted to leave, Debbie. Just couldn’t take the stupid stuff any longer. Mam mostly. What do you think?”

“Talk it through as a family, girl. They’ll be back in soon. Can you do that?”

A sharp nod, before Kim and the rest were back in with steaming mugs, which reminded me to make a mental note to get more tins of the brown stuff on the next big grocery shopping run. Kim slipped in next to the two of us.

“Deb can tell you about my Dad, but I think you’ve got the idea. Em and Rach there, they had shit from theirs, but they’re not all bad. That right, Debbie?”

The pain was ever there, but she was right.

“Yeah, my Dad was a wonderful man, and Mam. Lost them… lost them both years ago. Obvious thing to say, but what I wish, well, as I said, obvious, aye? Not to have lost them. I was lucky. How lucky were you, Alicia?”

She sat and thought her answer through, which pleased me. No way would I let her go scuttling back without a good idea it would be the right thing and not simply a plea to be allowed into her family again. Hiding herself for the short term, only to have it far worse in some future explosion; I didn’t need Dr Thomas to explain that one to me.

“I think… It’s Mam, really. Always wants everything neat, in a box, always rules, isn’t it? Dad’s not like that, not really. I mean… I had a teddy, yeah? From being a little, I had it, and Mam said it was stupid, and not right for a big boy, and she wanted it thrown out, so Dad showed me how I could pull a bottom drawer out, and there was a space there, so I could… I could hide him in there so Mam couldn’t see him”

She started to weep, turning to me with a little gasp.

“Had to leave him behind when I left, didn’t I? He’ll still be there, unless Mam finds him”

A few deeper breaths.

“Could I let Dad know? See what he says? Just by text, or maybe that Heidi could talk to him?”

Kim hugged us both.

“Whatever you think is right, girl. I got to tell my Dad what I thought of him, but that was different”

I remembered her stripping away his belt, before using it on him with great enthusiasm, not to mention venom. Perhaps Alicia’s memories might be brighter, or at least cleaner. I took a quick look around the room, and there was such a mix of expressions, from soppiness to clenched jaw muscles, especially on those who had seen abuse. I took a decision, and picked up the House phone to call Heidi’s number.

“Hiya, Debbie. Not at work right now, but don’t worry. This will be about Alicia, am I right?”

“Spot on. Just a moment, while I ask her a question, so that you can hear the answer. Alicia?”

“Yeah?”

“We are talking about your private life, and it’s me and Heidi, and all the other girls who are listening. Are you okay with us all being here?”

She nodded, before realising and saying “Yeah, I’m fine” so that Heidi could hear. Heidi coughed.

“You got a speaker setting then, Debbie?”

“Wait a second”

I pushed the necessary buttons, and Heidi’s voice was there for everybody to hear.

“Hi, Alicia. Do you want me to talk through things, or do you want to do this by asking me questions?”

“About my Dad? Could you just talk?”

I understood why, as she was having a real problem controlling her voice. Heidi was straight to the point.

“Well, your Dad’s been asking us questions, love. That’s why I sorted out the burner phone—I mean it’s not registered to you, and it’s pay as you go, so it won’t link you to anyone. Anyway, he’s been ringing, and I think, from the times, it’s from work. There are many reasons he might do that”

“He doesn’t want Mam to know, does he?”

“I assume not, Alicia. Now, I am not going to ask how you are being treated there, as everyone is listening in”

“They’re all lovely here”

“Thank you, but we will stick with the formal assessments, as we are required to”

She snorted out a laugh, tinny on the phone.

“Yeah, I already know they’re all lovely, isn’t it? Now, back to your Dad. He said he has something for you. Benjy?”

Her head rose.

“My bear! Had him since I was really small; he hides under a drawer in my bedside cupboard”

“Yes, he said that. And that he had taken him out and put him in a safe place, just in case. He wants to talk to you, Alicia”

“I don’t know if I can. Did he really call me his child?”

“Yes, he did. Started to say ‘son’, and I coughed, or rather harrumphed, and he changed it to ‘child’. I did try for a little more acceptance, but all he would say was that he couldn’t do that cold. If he could see you, then perhaps he might be able to see who you are. His words, my love, not mine. I really think he’s trying his best.

“Now, I am only passing on the news, but I don’t think this is something you can or should just leap into. We don’t just drop you into something like that cold, and I have met more than a few extremely good actors. If we do this, I would want a safe and neutral place, someone in with you, and Paul and possibly another waiting nearby. I don’t take things like this lightly, my dear. Now, what I would suggest is a bit sneaky, and a little unfair on him, to be honest, at least if he himself is being honest. We wait, just for a month and a bit. Get Christmas out of the way first. Debbie?”

“Yes?”

“I have a pretty good idea of what you do for those holidays. Same again this year?”

“Marlene’s? Graham and Malcolm? I would say so, yes”

“Then we give Alicia’s Dad a Christmas without his daughter. It should concentrate his thoughts, and, if we’re lucky, stir up your Mam. You never know. Now, safe place?”

Kim raised her hand, but started talking immediately.

“Heidi? It’s Kim. My place, yeah? The café again? Close enough to here without being obvious, and there’s a quiet corner I can stick ‘Licia in. I’ll be behind the counter, and Paul can lurk round the corner. Not all flashy, his car, is it? Deb? You want to sit in as well?”

I fought back a laugh.

“Whose bloody place is this, Kim?”

She raised an eyebrow, gesturing with both arms to the other girls.

“Ours, of course!”

That broke the mood, and Alicia was almost giggling as she and Heidi signed off from the call. The new girl looked round at the others, and smiled in a way that fell short of being a happy one, but only just.

“Come on, then? What did she mean about the usual Christmas?”

Not that long afterwards, we showed her, after a small flock of teenaged girls had descended on the city centre shops for their new party outfits. The fall-out from that was hilarious, as on the actual night, Marlene had relaxed far more than I had ever seen before. Her way of showing that, of course, meant that her normal acidity dipped a lot further down the litmus scale, and Alicia only stayed because of the laughter coming from the girls around her, including two cocky students, returned home for the holidays.

Marlene caught Alicia’s reaction, and grinned ferociously.

“Don’t worry, little lady, I don’t bite, unless asked very nicely”

Nell shouted, “You’ve said that one before, Marlene!”

A grin.

“Well, I’m a traditionalist, aren’t I? Yes, you with the tattoos? No! You with the fucking ugly tattoos and the shit taste in piercings! Order or fuck off away from my bar!”

She was off, doing her usual acid queen-bitch routine, so we tugged Alicia over to our reserved corner as Graham drew Malcolm towards the dance floor, and as Alicia dissolved into gasps of laughter, Kim was peering around as if scoping for threats.

“Ah, shit. They think he’s a bloody twink!”

“Who, love?”

“Over by the door, boy in the hoody, the Adidas one. By the leather boys”

“Who?”

She looked a little worried.

“Um, I asked Phil if he’d like to come out”

“And what about the other girls? What if they feel a bit exposed?”

“Um, we had a chat before… I told him it’s all friends, with my Aunty to look after us. His Dad’s picking him up later, and he can’t feel he’s being gayed up cause he’s here with me, and I’m a girl, so it’s just the dancing and shit and music”

“Bugger. A little warning next time, please? Please?”

“OK. Hang on, he’s just waving. PHIL!”

The lad wasn’t exactly a clone of Oily, but I was watching Kim’s face as he came over, and she lit up. The boy was blushing beetroot red.

“I thought, those men, I…”

He grabbed her for a hug, clearly trying to decide whether to push his luck, but left things at that, turning to me with a hand held out.

“Hi, you must be Kim’s Aunty. I’m Phil”

I took his hand: soft, but a firm grip.

“Debbie, love. Just Debbie. What’s your Dad doing?”

“Dad taxi, tonight. Can’t stay out all night, but he says he’ll pick me up about half ten or eleven, just need to ring when I’m ready”

Nervous as all hell, I thought, but he was there, and he was clearly ‘with’ Kim. I couldn’t decide at first if that was as a defence against interested young men, but as the evening wore on, and he relaxed, I decided that it was actual affection. He would bear watching, but he was doing well thus far.

He was gone at ten forty-five, Kim seeing him to the door and waiting to make sure he was safely collected, and I am sure my girl was otherwise occupied while they waited, as her lipstick needed quite a bit or repair work on her return. Not that long after Phil’s departure, we were all heading home in a group of large taxis I had stumped out for, and yes: I had deliveries to make on Boxing Day.

It was still a bloody good Christmas, especially as it was their first ever for so many of my girls. I will gloss over New Year; Phil most definitely was not invited to that one!

More tea runs, more deliveries of hot soup when the weather really turned shitty, and more reminders to every one of us how lucky we were, as Sparky called in two deaths from hypothermia, or hunger, or just fucking loneliness, two human beings stiff and cold under piles of plastic and old cardboard as the better off walked past them to the theatre or some overpriced eatery or other.

I paid my obligations, but that Winter almost all of them went forward. Thank god for my girls.

Two months into the new year and I was buzzing with delight, as Cathy had given me the news about the change in the law with the Gender Recognition Act. So many opportunities would have been open to me, if my life had actually been a little better-served by luck. I shackled down my feelings as I took my seat in Ruth’s place, my mobile set for a speed dial to Paul’s own, as he sat with Nita in an unmarked car parked around the corner. Kim supplied me with tea, and then Heidi walked in with Alicia, to take a seat in the table Ruth had set aside for them in the back of the café. If this particular Daddy Dearest wanted to be shitty, he would have to get past me to the exit, and Paul would be there in no time.

Alicia had gone for an outfit that left no doubt as to her gender, a wool skirt with opaque tights and Mary-Janes under a pink fleece. The nerves were clearly there, and she gave me a small nod just before the little bell on the café door tinkled and a tall man walked in.