CHAPTER 93
Kim was around early the next morning, which surprised me. I was getting ready to head off on the bike for the first of four days of longer delivery runs, out to Carmarthen, Haverfordwest and Llanelli, loading a flask of coffee and some ham and cheese rolls for my midday break, when she banged at the kitchen door. A couple of the girls were just washing their breakfast bowls as she entered, and the grin plastered onto her face lasted just long enough for her to say the words “Gemma let us know and… Oh.”

She turned to the younger girls, waving them away from us.

“Sorry, kids. Nana and I need a quiet word. Could you, please… ta!”

Once the door was shut, she turned to me, arms folded below what was now a respectable bosom.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Debbie. I know that look!”

“What look?”

“The ‘I shouldn’t have done that because it might make me feel I am worth more than a piece of shit’ look, that’s what!”

She lowered her voice, head tilting to one side.

“Gemma said she could tell, you know. Where did you…?”

I found my boots rather fascinating just then.

“Back of the van. Not exactly classy”

“And what did he do after he had finished, assuming I am right about what you got up to? Fuck off home?”

“No…”

She stepped forward, taking my shoulders in her hands.

“Shit! He had… He was… Twice? Or was it more?”

“Twice”

“Fuck! And after all that, what did he say?”

“He….”

I turned away, stuffing my flask and bag of sandwiches into my rucksack ready for the ride to Bert’s yard.

“He what, Debbie?”

I took some calming breaths, looking up into a corner of the ceiling, where a house spider’s web needed moving.

“He asked me to spend the night, I think. At his”

“And… Oh, fuck, love, you are so screwed up, aren’t you. Look at me, okay? What is it between me and Phil?”

I turned to look at her, and took a guess at what exactly she wanted as an answer.

“I think he is very fond of you”

“Debbie, he bloody well LOVES me, and I have no doubt about that at all, and I love him, and that is something I never expected to find in my life. How many beds do you think we have? Don’t answer that one, cause we both know it’s just one. And you bloody well know what we do in there, given as I haven’t had the time and opportunity to get that all sorted”

Again, she dropped her voice.

“Yes, I know it is what was done to you, but that was rape and, well, Phil seems to like it, and… and it actually works bloody well for me, so move on, nothing to see… getting this all wrong, Debbie. Look, the shagging is great, because it isn’t shagging, though it is, and, bollocks. Making love, Debbie. You know our Charlie did some renting for a while, but I will tell you this, it hasn’t put her off the idea of finding a nice lad and, well. I’m talking too much. Gemma said her bit last night, Debbie and she’s been listening to Frank talk about you for ages. He said a lot of things to her after that trial in Chester, lots of things, but she picked up on what he meant, because our Gem may be quiet, but she is a bloody long way from being deaf, blind and stupid”

She pulled me to her, wrapping me in her arms.

“We tried to say it with the flowers, Deb. ‘Welcome home’, home to yourself. You are having all sorts of worries about being shop-soiled, and do you know who uses that phrase? Diane does. Said it to Tiff and Charlie a few times, Now look at her, with that big bastard of a husband and that little boy. Shop-soiled, is it? Have you spoken to Frank this morning?”

“No. Got work to go to”

“Well, make sure your mobile’s got a full charge, and ring him, ring him this morning, not after your break, not this evening. Gemma said she’d see how he was, let the rest of us know. He’s a bloody good man, Debbie”

“I know that, but…”

“But fucking nothing, my love. He knows just about everything there is to know about you, and he is besotted. Not like some randy git who likes the shape of your arse, had enough of those, I have, but someone who wants a chance to argue about whose turn it is to put the kettle on!”

She grinned suddenly.

“Yeah, Phil can be a right lazy shit at times, but I can live with that, just like I can do a lot more than live with a man who loves me, and that I love back. Now, Gemma is going to let me know what mood he’s in this morning, and I will expect you to stop by at Ruth’s on the way home. Deal?”

I had no other option but to agree, and then we were both out of the door as Kim headed for the Olive and I sparked up the bike before immediately killing the engine once more.

Into the kitchen for the Transit keys, and yes, that CD was still there. I popped it into its jewel case, found a pocket in the rucksack for it, and set off for work. My wagon was ready for me, three separate loads filling the trailer. All of the drops were at bigger supermarkets, so I knew that my role would end as soon as I opened the trailer doors after backing up to a loading bay.

The new music was a delight as I cruised along the M4 to the first drop in Llanelli, and I suppose it must have been the combination of the steady driving and the new familiarity of the sounds, but I was finding a calm place again. Into Tesco’s, reverse up to dock, unlock the rear doors and step away before the junior manager and his drones could find shelf space for me. I wandered over to one side, where there were a couple of old chairs, and poured myself a cuppa. My phone came out of the top pocket of my rucksack automatically, its face almost accusing in its blankness.

Sod it. I switched it back on, and tapped in the number. Gemma’s voice.

“Prosser’s!”

“Hiya Gem”

“Oh, hi Debbie. I’ll pass you across to him”

Before I could say ‘no’, he was on the phone, his tone filled with smiles.

“Morning girl, where are you at?”

“Ah, dropping off a load in Llanelli, then Carmarthen and Haverfordwest, then I’m done for today. Um… how are you?”

“Still smiling, I am!”

Gemma’s voice came through as she passed her own comment.

“Smiling? Grinning so much the top of his head’s about to fall off!”

Laughter from Frank.

“Back in the kitchen, drudge! Or you’ll not get any gruel”

“Don’t do gruel, Frank, cause we are a bakery. I could do some soups… Later, okay? Just had an idea for lunchtimes”

A few seconds of chuckling, and then Frank was back.

“She’s off to the kitchen again, Debs. Typical of her, that was. Anyway, how are you… I didn’t hurt you, did I? When we, you know, when we… you seemed to want it”

“I did, Frank. It was… That was my first time, last night, and I am a little confused this morning”

“I can tell because you seem to have forgotten that it must have been your second time as well”

“I’m trying to be serious here”

“So am I, but I am smiling too much. You’ve done that, Debbie, so I am going to cut this short, because your girl Gem is getting a lot of trade for me, and it is Judy’s day off, and I have customers. I will just say that last night was possibly the best day I have ever had, and it would be wonderful if we could try and have a better one. Over to you, girl. Talk later; trade”

He hung up, just as I heard his voice ask what he could get for what must have been a customer. Damn my timing. I waved over to the junior manager, and he nodded. Phone off and into my bag again, doors shut and locked and off to Carmarthen. I was running a little bit ahead of time, so once that load was off, I parked up in one of the long bays on the A40, just past Sarnau, and broke out my sandwiches and flask. I left the phone away, playing one of the discs I had selected for my driving time, this being ‘I want to See the Bright Lights Tonight’, as it suited my melancholy mood. One of the songs hit hard, about how there was ‘nothing at the end of the rainbow, nothing to grow up for anymore’, and I could feel everything swinging in a wind that couldn’t make its mind up about the way to blow.

When I had got my hands on him… my thoughts derailed slightly at that point, at the memory, and the rest of the thought trailed in a distant second.

When I had been with him, it had been as near to perfection as it was possible to be; I slept on the idea, and all I found was fear and self-doubt. I spoke to him from a loading dock, and my heart lifted at his voice, and then as soon as the call ended, I was back in a black pit once more. What to do…

I finished my break, carrying on down quieter roads for my third and final drop of the day, my phone staying in my bag once more, before heading back to Cardiff, this time with Led Zep’s ‘Physical Graffiti’ pounding away, and as always I had to work hard to keep my speed down when ‘Trampled Underfoot’ came on, as Plant launched his voice into the thunder from Jones, Bonham and Page. Music of my youth, music of my family. Sign the wagon back in, and onto my bike, the engine working hard as I pulled away from each red light, and then the home stretch, Past Harry’s pub and into the back yard, rucksack into the corner of the living room, the phone still inside. It wasn’t even a minute before the House landline rang, and of course, it was Kim.

“What did I tell you about when you got home? Bloody phone turned off as well. Get your arse out of that armchair and get round here now; I’ll be pouring in about two minutes, whether or not you are here”

Shit. I grabbed my leather again, scuttling off round to Ruth’s to avoid risking stewed tea, and to my surprise, the only person behind the counter was Kim. In response to my raised eyebrows, she frowned.

“Ruth is helping a friend out, Debbie. They needed someone to mind their shop for a while. Out at Cathays”

“What?”

Her frown tightened, just a little.

“You have bloody good friends, woman, and she is taking one for the team, okay? Phil will be over in a few to help out here, while Ruth covers the bakery. He’s sitting in the back. I’ll bring your tea over”

I had been so wound up that I hadn’t even looked round the place, and there he was, in the same seats where Alun had properly met his daughter for the first time, laying the foundations for their own version of our ‘fairy bridge’. Tall; a smile, but no twinkle, just a hint of concern. I walked across, drawing back the chair opposite hm, and as I sat down, he reached for my hand, and while so many of the voices in my head were raging and weeping, it was Kim’s that cut through them all, as she set the promised tray down beside me.

“Time to roll those dice, Debbie”

As my hand, unbidden, started to link its fingers to Frank’s, Kim chuckled.

“What the hell. Think these dice are loaded!”

Dice. I had thrown them across the wasteland of my life when I was twelve, and they had brought me my Mam and Dad. Could they…

“Frank?”

“Yes, girl?”

“How did you get across here?”

“Marty brought me across after dropping Ruth off”

How many people had Kim involved? I think that realisation was where my decision came from.

“I have to work tomorrow, but…”

One of the spare lids from the House fitted him; he was a terrible pillion.

His walk-in shower was a delight, though.