CHAPTER 23
Kim was off out early the next morning, to help with the breakfast trade, but she promised to be back at one for our shopping trip. She had clearly stirred Nell up, as that girl was the one who knocked on my bedroom door with a morning cuppa.

“Um, Kim said I should…”

“Thanks, love! Kim’s jeans and one of her tees?”

“Yeah, and she lent me…”

A wave at her new bosom was all the info I needed, and I blessed Kim’s foresight and clear thinking. She had really come on in leaps and bounds since our camping trip, and the defining quality was confidence. I wondered how much of that had arrived with each swing of the belt she had laid over her father’s back, but put the thought away quickly. It didn’t matter, in the end, where she found her strength; the important thing was that she had done so, and seemed more than ready to do that ‘paying forward’ I valued.

I sat up, smiling as warmly as I could at our new friend, and took the cup and saucer from her.

“I’ll be down in a few, Nell. What do you do for breakfast, normally? I don’t keep that much in, cause I use Ruth’s place if I want a pig-out, but there’s cereal, jam, bread and that”

I also used Ruth’s café as a way of repaying obs, as Dad had called them, but I’d save that explanation for another day.

“Toast would be nice, Debbie”

“Feel free, then. I am going to take a quick shower, and then we can sort out today’s plan. Off you hop!”

I stayed with my normal jeans and T-shirt rig, which sort of matched Nell’s own outfit, and not long after I had finished my own slices of toast and marmalade, there was a knock at the back door. I shut the internal door and did the usual check before opening the outer one on a smiling Heidi, who I let into the kitchen before locking up again.

“I don’t know what that door is made of, Debbie, but you need to get a bell or something, just to save people’s knuckles. How’s Eleanor?”

“Watching morning telly at the moment. Don’t think she’s that interested, really. Just seems a little more comfortable, not having to talk. A little withdrawn, though Kim seems to be bringing her out of herself a little. She’s at work, be back for a shopping run this afternoon”

“Can we go in?”

“Yeah. I’ll announce you first, OK?”

“I put my head around the door.

“Want to kill the box? Your social services lady is here, to sort out some paperwork. You OK with that?”

She nodded, and hit the off button on the remote. Heidi took a place on the settee before pulling a bundle of files from her briefcase.

“Got the paperwork Nita told you about, Debbie. She said she’d explained the grant system to you, so what I will need is some banking details from you. All routine, really, but I will need some words from Eleanor here”

“Nell”

The girl’s voice was soft, but clear. As Heidi raised an eyebrow in query, she spoke again.

“Kim called me it, and I like it, so can you please use that as well?”

Heidi nodded, smiling at the girl.

“Fine by me. How are you finding this place, then?”

An answering smile appeared, face lowered but eyes looking up from under her brows.

“They’re both being lovely to me, Kim and Debbie. Not like those other places. Kim’s even…”

Once again, she waved at her chest, and Heid’s smile brightened.

“I had noticed, Nell. Debbie says you are going shopping later. Getting some new clothes?”

“I hope so”

“Well, that is partly what my visit is about. We can’t expect Ms Wells here to pay out all the time, so I am sorting funding out. Before I do that, I will need to know, sort of formally, if you want to stay on here. No point in sorting out a grant if not, isn’t it?”

“Um, yeah…”

All the time Heidi and I were speaking, she had her head down, and the only thing she lifted as she spoke herself was her gaze. Not her head, nor her voice. I may have had absolutely no training in headshrinking, but the confidence issues were still clear to me.

“Nell?”

“Yes?”

“Change of subject, but stick with me. When your Mam goes shopping, not a food shop or that, but Going To The Shops, where does she go? You’re a Valleys girl, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, Cwm Parc. Depends on the weather, and who’s driving. Mam just gets the train down here. Dad likes driving, stupid stuff. If it’s him, we’ll come over the tops so he can throw the car around, and go down to Bridgend. I don’t like that”

“What bit? The road, the driving or Bridgend?”

“The driving. Dad thinks he’s in a rally car”

“So… Heidi?”

“Yup?”

“I might go out of town today, down to Newport. Not great for shopping, but if we can get Nell sorted with the basics, less chance of her being recognised by someone. Where has she been staying, and don’t say Newport!”

“No worries, Debbie. She’s mostly been in Bridgend, oddly”

“Right. We have a plan. By the way, I know that road, Nell. I take the bike out there now and again, for fun”

“The motorbike? Never been on one. Dad says they’re a nuisance”

“I am beginning to take a bit of a dislike to your father, love. Anyway, cuppa before you’re done, Heidi?”

“Have to say no, though I’d love one. Got another couple of visits this morning. Now, this form…”

We rattled through the paperwork, after I had grabbed my cheque book for the bank codes, and then Heidi was off, just as I heard the front letterbox bang. I locked up yet again, and then went into the hall, where I could see a small package sitting on the mat. There was an English postmark on it, along with the message “PHOTOS! PLEASE DO NOT BEND”. I had a very good idea what the contents would be, and decided to save its opening for the afternoon. I popped back into the living room.

“Nell?”

“Yeah?”

“You OK if I pop out for a bit? I want a quick word with Ruth, where Kim works”

“I’ll be fine. Could I listen to one of my cassettes while you’re out?”

I paused at the door.

“You’ve got your own music?”

“Got some. Cassettes I took when I left home. Haven’t got anything to play them on”

“You should have said! I have a cassette player in the attic; haven’t used it for years”

It was the one left behind my Mam and Dad, and I had a little spasm of memory, just enough to hurt, but I managed to keep my smile steady.

“Use the stereo for now, and we can dig out the player later. You go and grab your tapes, and I’ll set it up for you”

She was suddenly filled with life, almost sprinting up the stairs for her bag, and I set everything ready to go, cassette drawer open, and as I heard her at the door again I held my hand out ready for whatever she wanted to play first.

It turned out to be something by Sibelius, his third symphony by the label, and I slipped it in and pressed ‘play’. Something about the start caught my attention, as some deep instruments set up a rhythmic beat, then other, higher, instruments began swirling around. I stood listening for a few minutes, as Nell whispered to me that it was a ship coming out of fog in the English Channel, as the sun came out.

“It’s the last bit, Debbie, the ending I love. It’s like a song, a big tune, and you just have to sing along. Thank you. I missed this”

I looked at her properly this time, and her eyes were moist, so I reached out and paused the tape.

“How long is it since you last heard your music, love?”

“Don’t know. Four, five months. Nobody ever let me play it”

Fucking hell’s teeth. I had been worrying about getting her headphones, and all the time she had been without the stuff that was as necessary to me as air or food.

“We sort that out, then. How many tapes have you got?”

“Eight. Three Sibelius, one Bruckner, two Mahler, a Britten and a Beethoven”

“Then we have a family session of your music one night, and you can explain it to us. I should tell you why, love”

I settled down into one of the chairs, pushing the anger down inside me.

“I was a runaway too, love. I ended up in a really bad place, but I managed to get out, and I found my own parents, not the ones I was born to, but ones I loved, and almost the first thing they did was play me music. The stereo there, apart from the CD player, was theirs, ours, as a family, and almost all of the LPs were the same. Stuff I’d never heard of, stuff I fell in love with. Stuff I would never have known existed if it wasn’t…”

My voice cracked just then, so I paused for breath, control, calm.

“Mam and Dad are both gone, so the music is a big part of what I have left of them. If we find something you love, that speaks to all of us, then it’s a win. Carry on doing what Mam and Dad did, OK?”

Deep breath, woman. Not the place for tears, not today.

“What do your parents like?”

“Country and Western…”

“Oh god no!”

“Dad has a Stetson, and cowboy boots, and there’s a club he takes Mam to…”

“Enough! Now, I will be back in a very short time, and then, once Kim’s done, we are off to Newport. If you hear a key in the lock, it will be me or her. If you hear a knock, ignore it. Got me?”

“Got you. Is that because of what happened to your face? Kim told me”

I nodded.

“Nobody gets in that easily again, love. Not if we are sensible”

I let myself out, locking the door with both keys, and walked round to Ruth’s, where Kim was manning the till. The shop was buzzing, and I felt a little guilty about leaving my friend on her own for the afternoon.

“Hiya, Deb! Want a coffee?”

“Please, Ruth”

“There’s a side table over there; grab a seat and I’ll bring it over”

She was with me a minute later, and I asked if she had time for a very quick chat. As the table was up against the end of the counter, she had simply passed the drink to me, waving my money away.

“I can spare a minute, Deb. What’s up?”

“I need to let you know I’m taking a sort of job on. Fostering for the Social Services”

She lowered her voice to a whisper.

“I’d already guessed that bit, Debbie, as I had worked out that you and Kim there aren’t related, but I don’t care. This mean you’ve got a new placement? Another kid?”

“Yes. Sorry about the tall story, but, you know. People get nasty. I was adopted, so I tend to be a bit protective”

“Not a worry, and no offence taken. Way Kim carries on, looks like you’re just the thing for her. This another trans girl?”

I found myself staring at her, realising yet again how sharp her mind was.

“I am not going to ask how you worked that one out, butt. Yes, she is. That a problem?”

She sighed, checking the till area with a glance before turning back to me.

“When you got smacked by that bastard, he’d been in here a couple of hours before. He asked me if I knew where a tranny kid was living with some biker slag with a Transit van. I told him to piss off. Didn’t tell the police, because I hear the problem was sorted byway of, er, an alternative route. I worked it out, love. I don’t care. She’s a lovely kid, and a bloody good worker, and that’s all I need to know. My parents were good folk, and I was lucky in them. Doesn’t mean I have to look down on the unlucky, does it? What’s the new kid’s name?”

“Nell”

“Then you get her settled in, and I’ll come round and cook for you some evening, or rather push Kim around the kitchen. OK with that?”

“It would be great”

“How’s the eye feeling, anyway?”

“Sore as hell, especially when I lie on it, but I’ll heal”

I had healed from an awful lot worse, but enough was enough.

“Ruth?”

“Yes?”

“Get any other queries like that, let me know”

“Do better than that, I can. Security camera up there, so I can give you faces if anyone else comes asking. Anyway, I’ll kick Kim out about twelve thirty, if that suits”

“That would be fine. Thanks again”

“No need, woman. Just keep looking after her, and the new girl, OK?”

I made my way back round to the house, being as noisy as I could with the keys, expecting to find some more of the classical stuff pumping out of the stereo, but to my surprise it was one of my own records, Lindisfarne’s ‘Magic in the Air’. I opened the inner door to see her lying back in an armchair, eyes closed, mouthing the words to a song I should have guessed would catch her eye.

“All right, Lady Eleanor, I’m all right in your arms…”

As track ended, I lifted the needle off the LP, and her eyes opened, a trace of guilt sitting in them.

“I saw the title, and…”

I put the arm back to the start of the track, smiling at her.

“Let’s listen together, then, till Kim gets home”

I lowered the needle into its groove and settled back, my memories warmer than they had been for what seemed like forever.