CHAPTER 84
It was odd, in that I felt almost as tired as Di must have, just with the waiting around. Once we were all back at the House, and Paula had departed with her man, I slept the clock round. Of course, that might just have had something to do with what we drank at Harry’s, but I did my best to claim otherwise, even if only to myself. I rattled round the House on my own that day, the girls all being either at school, work or on some teenager mission of other to the city centre.

I felt a little smug at that thought, for so much had changed since the first days sharing with Kim. There had always been a climate of fear, or at best an undercurrent of it, in how they had lived their lives, from the attack on me by Kim’s father to the evil little empire run by Evans and his accomplices. We had built up our network of safe spaces, with Marlene and Rosie, as well as in the mountains and at rallies, but this was a newer experience. My girls were happy to go out and about, in groups small or large, and live that life as it should be. I still made sure every girl had a note of Marlene’s number before they went out of the door, though.

I almost felt redundant, especially as the flow of new guests was drying up. Heidi had summed it up on one visit with the simple question as to how many trans girls I thought South Wales might hold, with a rider about whether I was trying for some sort of monopoly. As she was clearly trying not to snort her tea up at the time, I didn’t take her that seriously. She was right, though: living with so many girls like me did tend to distort my expectations.

Good times. Di started bringing Rhodri around, to the delight of the girls, who initially queued up to do all of the ‘Mummy’ jobs, at least, for most of them, until they first caught the nostril-grabbing aroma of a full nappy. Tiff, though, was persistent, and as we hosted our little man at a series of little parties, she was always there for the heavy lifting, or at least heavy sniffing. The most heart-warming for me, though, was Gemma. I had no need to know how she and her young man spent their time, but there was clearly deep affection between them, and as he was able to borrow his Dad’s car, the two of them were building their own social circle around Diane and her family. I was losing my girls, one by one, for the best of reasons.

We still went out as a group, though, and while the numbers were flexible, we did our best to involve Diane, as I was getting occasional signs from her that she was feeling a little left out of things. It was clearly a real issue for her, as she usually invested so much energy and commitment to her job, and was now separated from everything that had given her focus. One day, just before Christmas, we had descended on one of those chain coffee shops that attract teenagers determined to appear worldly-wise and adult (Instant, white, no sugar; all the rest is frippery), down by Plas Roald Dahl. Paula’s book was being serialised in the Guardian of all things, so Di had brought a copy of the rag, and we had a network of cooing childminders to allow Di to indulge in another dose of vicarious street-life shit. I had grabbed the other half of the paper, with a sharp instruction from DC Sutton that I should leave the bloody sudoku and crosswords alone (“I need something to fill the bloody time between feeding and nappy changes!”), and I had one of those little surprises. I tapped her on the arm.

“Di?”

She grunted something, still away with Paula’s latest offering. I tried again.

“This your mate?”

“Uh? What?”

I folded the paper to the relevant section.

“Here. Page six, review of the year, down the bottom”

It was a picture I had almost missed, only the name catching my eye. A dumpy, dark-haired policewoman, complete with silly hat and broad smile, holding a medal in a box in front of some very famous gates. Sergeant Annie Price, it said; Queens Award for Gallantry. Diane sat upright, eyes locking onto the picture.

“That is Annie, Deb. Spot on!”

“Aye. Queen’s Award for Gallantry stuff. That’s Buckingham Palace behind her, or at least the gates”

Di was shaking her head slowly from side to side.

“How did I miss that? Shit! She deserved it, though”

Her hands were trembling as she held the paper, a slight rustling coming from it before she set it down on the table, careful to avoid any damp spots from the drinks. I kept my tone as light as I could.

“You going to look her up?”

She took a while to give an answer, but in the end, it came with a much firmer shake of the head.

“I don’t really think so, Deb. Said it all before, about old ghosts, but it’s more than that. She’s got a new life over there, in all sorts of ways, and some bloody good friends. People I don’t know”

How I knew that. I gave her an answer after a minute or so, but it was a cover for a deeper pain.

“Aye, I see your point, girl. I have had a little of that myself, with the trial and that. I can remember Benny, as a kid, and it was great… It was necessary to see him again, see that he’s still there, still fighting, but it’s not the same. He’s not the same”

“You regret seeing him again?”

Perk it up, Petrie.

“No, love. Not a bit. They are coming down for Christmas, staying up to Castle Street, behind the Stadium. Can’t have them in the House. No. What I meant was that it’s not the same thing when you meet again. Sometimes you can catch up, make it as if you’d never lost contact. Sometimes it’s like making a new old friend. Sometimes… Well, sometimes it’s like that old saying, you can’t go back”

I could see how close to her own thoughts that had been, and she tilted her head to one side, smiling slightly.

“Which one is it with your friend?”

“Ah, second one, really. So much has happened to both of us, but we’re still the same people, just new ones. Same underneath, I mean; new skins? New scars?”

Yes, I had caught her thoughts exactly. I took her hand in mine.

“You are worried you’ll throw a spanner into it with Annie, aren’t you? Getting her life on track, and you walk in. You think she’s still the same person in all ways”

One of those little twists to her lips that always came when she was trying not to give a full answer.

“I don’t know, Deb. I just think, you know: I was really getting a bit stuck on him, as she was, and she’s got a really good man now, or so I am told. No. Not fair. I saw him once, you know?”

I wondered if by ‘him’ she still meant her old friend, then revelation hit me as I remembered her doing something profoundly out of character.

“Sneaky style? When you went blonde?”

She blushed, just a little.

“Yeah. What I was going to say is that he IS a good man, but he must have some issues with, you know”

She made a vague measure towards her crotch, and of course I understood. She hadn’t finished, though.

“Not saying he’s got the problem, inside sort of thing, isn’t it? But he’ll have friends, colleagues, and you show me this, and she’s not exactly out of the public eye. Can’t be easy for him”

Once more, I was reading her mind, and it was suddenly and abundantly clear how deeply she had been in love with the boy who had never been, and I wondered, first, if she realised it herself, and then had to ask myself how Blake dealt with that. Annie’s man may have had issues with a body part or two, but this was an entire person. Don’t push it, Debbie Petrie Wells. I squeezed her hand, keeping the smile in place. Change the subject.

“Paul tells me you have a reputation, Di”

She started upright, and I laughed.

“No, not like that! He says you have a name for seeing how things fit together. Detail, aye? I can see what he means. Don’t change, girl. Don’t ever lose that”

Before I could expand on that, my nose was violently assaulted, and I pointed at the infant, being held by an equally-astonished Charlie.

“But I do think your young man needs a bit of s change. What the hell has he been eating?”

She gave me one of those bad-joke-alert grins.

“Me, mostly”

I turned the ‘Oh, really?’ stare on her, and she simply gave it back until we both started to giggle. Tiff went with her to do the necessary, and the three were back after a few minutes, Tiff smirking, Diane looking even more excessively straight-faced. Once Rhod had been settled into Charlie’s arms, Di smiled round the group, in the falsest of ways, and I braced myself.

“Just going to order some munchies, girls. Anyone else want chocolate fudge cake?”

Once we had our order, Charlie giggling away like mad, Tiff lifted her plate to her nose for a sniff.

“Looks the same, but I think I can tell the difference!”

I had created a monster.

Benny and Peter were down as promised for Christmas, but I spared them the New Year extravaganza, as that would have been one step too far. Off to Marlene’s we went, and yet again there was a pair of bears on the door with a list. Remembering Marlene’s description of Malcolm and Graham, I checked to see what she had written about Benny and Peter, to find the remarkably restrained words ‘North-Western Retired Couple; smile nicely’.

They had walked through the town at their own insistence, meeting us at the door to the Smugglers, seeming so much more relaxed than they had been in Carlisle or Chester, and yet again, it was that lack of fear that leapt out at me. We hadn’t slain our dragons, any of us, but they were bound and secured for the rest of our and their lives. There was no longer anything to look over our shoulder for.

We ended up, naturally, in what was now officially called the ‘Elaine Powell Bar (Probably the best bar named after a policewoman in the world)’, as a professional little sign over the door labelled it, and while neither Benny nor his husband were as energetic as Graham and Malcolm had been, they did indulge in a couple of the slower dances, complete with shared and soppy little smiles of delight at the atmosphere.

My first surprise of the evening came from Marlene. I had expected her usual skin-stripping faux-bitchiness routine, but when her attention turned to Benny and Peter, she simply smiled, stepping out from behind the bar and hugging them both.

“Be welcome, both of you. I know who you are, and I respect courage. Thank you both”

I must have looked obviously surprised, because her snark returned immediately, as she waved towards Gemma.

“What? You think I have forgiven you for introducing me to that cow over there with the beefcake? Do you know how many fucking POUNDS I have put on from eating her other sort of cakes? Bitch! Both of you!”

Her grin was there like a flash, though, and Gemma was laughing happily, so clearly had no problem being honoured with Marlene’s spotlighting. I was strangling my own laughter when Benny eyes widened, looking past me to the door.

“My dear!”

Jon and Rhys had arrived, hand in hand, and of course no introductions were needed. Christmas went as ever, New Year’s Eve followed, and at some point, I wondered at about four o’clock on New Year’s morning, I would have to ask my liver to forgive me.

Another new year, a few months of Gemma and Tiff spending a lot of their spare time at Diane’s, and then the event we had been waiting for, as Paula the smack-head street whore suddenly became Paula the published author.