Chapter 5 Curiosity

The world, while I had my ears covered, was slightly different. It was quieter, of course, but the silence, over time, brought a stillness. It was like life was less harsh somehow.

Shower curtains pushed against my back and two big feet stepped into the bathtub. When I looked up, Sam was standing there. I scooted away from her.

She sat on the other side of the tub. It was an extremely weird experience sitting in a tub with someone so big in—

Suddenly an image of a tiny me, bathing with my parents came to mind. Maybe it’s not so strange? I thought.

I turned to see if Gina was still behind me. No one was there and the door was closed.

Sam motioned for me to remove my hands. If I didn’t listen to her I wasn’t sure what she was going to do to me. I was hesitant but removed them. It was still quiet.

“Do you really have to get custom clothes?” she asked.

I sighed. “Yeah.”

“Almost all of mine are handmade.”

When I took a peek at her she wasn’t looking at me. She was staring at her nightgown. I knew she was just trying to distract me from the stuff they were doing to me.

“Why ar—”

“Which clothes do you have to get modified?” she interrupted.

“Uhm.” I looked down. “We usually buy clothes that are too big for me. Then we will fix them so that they fit me without really changing how they look.”

“Who fixes them?”

“My mom.”

“My Aunt makes mine.”

I nodded.

We sat there for a while letting the silence overtake us.

“Do they really trust you enough to have the door closed?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

That seemed like a lot of trust to give a friend. My friends were trustworthy, but I didn’t know that I would trust many of them to be alone with my girlfriend.

“Walker.”

I looked up at her.

“If you don’t want us to do this anymore we won’t. I’ll make them stop.”

There was no doubt in my mind that she could too. “It’s not— I mean, they keep calling me her, and she.”

Sam looked at me. She was really beautiful. Her red hair kept getting in front of her blue eyes, and every so often she had to tuck it behind an ear. “I can talk to them about it if you want?”

“Over the last year I’ve been petrified I’d be called a girl. Even as the changes were happening I was afraid to tell my mom because I didn’t want her calling me a girl.”

“Are girls that bad?” The full brunt of Sam’s stare was on me as she leaned back.

“I like girls but…”

“You don’t want to be one?”

I nodded.

“I wish I wasn’t a girl.”

The hell? “What?”

“If I were this tall as a guy no one would care.”

“But, you’re so pretty.”

Sam crossed her arms. “Well, so are you!”

I hadn’t expected that and wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or her snapping at me. “Why do they want to dress me up?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Maybe because you’re a guy and look like that?”

I rubbed my toes against the soft surface of the bathtub. It felt pretty weird. “Why don’t you want to be a girl?”

“The clothes, the hair, the…”

“What?” I asked.

“Periods.”

“What are those like?”

She put her head against her knees.

“That bad?”

Sam sat up and looked at me again. “It hurts for like a week and then the…” She gagged. “The blood.”

“I’m glad I won’t get them,” I said.

“Are you sure? That you won’t get them, I mean.”

I wasn’t sure so I shrugged. “With how my life’s been going I probably will.” A tear inched down my face.

“The crying too. I hate it,” Sam said as tears formed and fell from her eyes.

“I hate crying too.”

Sam wiped her eyes. “Sometimes, I’ll even cry at stupid commercials.”

“I know! Every time I do it, it reminds me of what I am. I hate it.” I wiped away my tears and rubbed my eyes.

“Walker?”

“Hmmm?”

“Wha- I mean, did you get tests done at the doctors? Like x-rays or something?”

“I think x-rays are for bones,” I said. “They looked at me down below but I never got scanned or anything. I’m supposed to get an MRI next week.”

She nodded.

“You’re a co—”

“I’m sorr—” we interrupted each other.

“You first,” I said.

“You’re a cool guy, Walker.”

I shrugged. “Thanks.”

“What were you gonna say?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“What about earlier?”

“Like, when I was looking up at you.”

She nodded. “Everyone does it.”

“It’s not right though,” I said.

It was weird being this close to a girl other than my family. My sisters and I usually yelled at each other more than we actually sat down and talked. Joy and I hadn’t done the whole cuddle thing and we didn’t really hang out together at lunch. Our relationship was more of an away from school sort of thing where we went to the movies or out to eat.

Sam didn’t say anything for a while.

I looked down at my legs covered up to the thigh with the long socks or leggings— whatever they had called them. I ran my hand up and down my leg. It was so soft, and the fabric felt strange against my newly shaved legs.

“We do this a lot, you know,” she finally said.

“Do what?”

“Dress up and mess with makeup.”

“I have two sisters, I know. Why are they doing it to me though?”

She shrugged. “We don’t ever get to dress up a guy like us.”

That made at least some sense.

“Want me to make them stop?” she asked again.

As I was about to respond I stopped myself. This whole thing was so crazy that I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, it seemed that I was making friends with at least one of these girls. On the other hand, I was being forced to confront my body's changes.

Be brave, Walker. “I-I g-guess we can keep going,” I said, as I tried to be brave.

Sam leaned back, her mouth agape. “Are you sure?”

I shrugged. “Maybe you can ask them to not call me her and she so much?”

A knock came from the door followed by a muffled “I gotta go.”

***
Sam stood and offered me her hands. I took them and she pulled me up. Watching her duck to get under the shower curtain pole was entertaining even though it shouldn’t have been.

Gina was at the door and was the person who had “to go.”

When we got back into Joy’s room I avoided eye contact with everyone and returned to the seat in front of the vanity. My gaze never met the mirror. I didn’t dare look.

Sam grabbed the hairband I discarded, put my hair up again, and started cleaning my face off with a wipe. It smelled so bad.

I stopped her. “You can keep goi—”

“You messed it up so I have to fix it,” she said.

I looked down at my hands. They had little black marks all over them. “Oh.”

Sam smiled at me and tossed me a small wet wipe.

I cleaned my hands with it. “So gross,” I said.

Joy sat on the side of her bed closest to the vanity. “Are you okay?”

I nodded.

Joy’s gaze went to my legs, and I closed them.

Sam stopped for a moment and sat next to Joy. She whispered something to her. As Sam finished, Joy’s eyes went wide and she looked at me.

Sam got up and went back to the makeup box.

Joy mouthed, “Sorry.”

I gave her my best pathetic look.

Joy got up and joined Alyx by the closet. I couldn’t hear them. Eventually, Alyx nodded and Joy moved on to Lacy and did the same thing.

Sam repeated what she was doing earlier to my face. It was much faster this time around but I didn’t know why. The whole time I kept glancing at the lipstick on the vanity as it mocked me. Are girls that bad?

I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid of being called a girl. I had girl parts and boy parts. It should have been easy to flow between both if I wanted. Right? If only it were that easy. I had to work so hard to pull off the boy thing and I wasn’t sure how successful I was. Perhaps I’d ask the girls later.

“Okay,” Sam said and picked up the dreaded lipstick. “You ready for this?”

It’s not permanent, I told myself and nodded.

As she brought it toward my face I felt my body start to shake. It was smooth as she applied it to my upper lip. For some reason, my brain decided it would feel chalky or something like that.

Sam told me to pucker so I complied. The lipstick glided along my bottom lip but she ended up having to make several dabbing moves. When she finished she folded a tissue paper, placed it between my lips, and told me to press.

After I did that she nodded at me. “It’s done.”

The chair I was sitting on swiveled and I was suddenly looking at a girl in the mirror. Joy, Alyx, and Lacy walked up behind me.

“See, pretty,” Alyx said as she pointed at me.

She wasn’t lying. It was scary how right she was.

“Is that really me?” I asked as the girl in the mirror copied my movements. My heart picked up speed.

Joy spun the chair so I faced her. “Here, come look,” and reached her hands out.

Before I took her hands I had to have another glance at myself. The girl staring back at me looked surprised. Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly parted. Her face looked as smooth as any of the girls I saw at school.

Joy pulled me to my feet, led me away from the vanity, and brought me to her closet so I could look at my whole body.

The skirt I was wearing looked even shorter than I remembered. At least the leggings made me feel as if something was covered up. My belly button was completely exposed which I was really uncomfortable with for some reason.

“She’s so pretty!” Gina screeched from behind me.

I turned to look at her. She was in the doorway of the bathroom staring at me.

Sam immediately walked over to her and told her about my preference to not be called a girl.

“Stand like this,” Alyx said as she pushed my hips to the side. “Your arm goes here.” She moved my hand to my skirt. “What do you think?”

The pose she put me in made me look like one of the girls from a magazine. I wasn't as skinny as they were but it was eerily close.

What could you say to something so weird? A little voice in my head kept muttering, “You're a boy!” over and over again. The evidence in front of me said otherwise though and I was almost okay with it.

I'd never really stood out as a guy. My immensely baggy clothes probably didn’t help but I was so tired of having to hide my body. The fact that I could just slip on some clothes and look this good made me feel relieved which confused the hell out of me. “It's nice,” I finally replied.

“Let's try something else on her— I mean on Kennedi,” Lacy said.

Calling me Kennedi wasn’t much better than calling me her but at least it was something that I was used to.

“What time is it?” Alyx asked.

Joy turned, glancing at her bed, and then back at Alyx. “10:30.”

I separated myself from the group and closed in on the mirror to get a better look at my face.

Sam used a lot of browns which was the style I’d seen most girls wearing. My lips were mostly red but there was brown in it as well. I was so… I hated to think it, pretty.

When I turned to the girls behind me my heartbeat quickened in my ears. “C-can we try another one?”

“You’re blushing!” Lacy yelled.

Gina and Sam rushed over, joining us.

Joy’s eyebrows tilted down. “You want to try another outfit?”

Everyone watched me when I gave her a slight nod.

Joy and I continued staring at each other while Alyx, Gina, and Lacy rushed to the closet to look for my next outfit.

Our gazes stayed locked for I didn’t know how long.

I was the first to break the standoff and switched it to my feet. She hates m—.

Joy put her hand on my chin and lifted my face. When our eyes met again she closed in and hugged me.

***
The worst part about the whole situation was that I didn’t know how this might affect my relationship with Joy. It was still new and we’d only been out on a few dates. Those went well but I wondered how she would feel after the night was over.

I also wondered how much her friends affected her decision-making. My friends were a big influence on me. I knew that for sure.

“Ouch!” I said.

The top was too small for me like I’d said earlier. We were having a hard time removing it. Introspection while stuck inside of a shirt. My brain had picked the wrong time to mull this stuff over.

“Suck it in!” Alyx said.

“Suck what in?” I yelled.

I inhaled deeply, took a step back, and a sharp pain radiated from my arms. Then the shirt suddenly popped off. My whole world spun for a moment as I tried to catch my breath. I’d already passed out once today and I didn’t want to do it again.

“You okay?” Joy asked.

I put up a finger for her to wait a few seconds. After everything stopped spinning I was able to nod.

“Do you get dizzy a lot?” she asked.

“Got out of having to take PE because of it,” I said. “It was before all this”—I gestured at my body—“happened. So I sort of lucked out.”

“What happened? I mean why do you get dizzy?” Lacy asked.

“Long story,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh,” she replied.

Anxiety began to build as I stood there in underwear and a bra. It took a lot of resolve to not cover up but I somehow pushed that self-consciousness away. If I wanted to see myself in more clothes I’d have to keep my cool. No matter how much I felt like running away and screaming into the night.

“What do I wear next?” I asked, changing the subject. If they were paying attention to the clothes they wouldn’t be staring at me.

“Oh, this,” Gina said, turned to the bed, and grabbed a purple top.

I seriously hoped that one wasn’t as tight as the last one.

Joy broke off from us and took Sam into the bathroom with her. They closed the door which had me a little worried.

“Here you go,” Gina said and handed me the shirt.

This one was quite a bit easier to get on, which I was thankful for. It wasn’t as fancy as the last one but its bust line was really low. Low enough that I actually saw my breasts pushed up from the bra I was wearing. “Does it have to be so low?” I asked.

“What? This one covers your stomach,” Alyx said.

“No, I mean up here,” and pointed to my chest.

“It’s really cute, don’t worry. This goes with it,” Alyx said and handed me another black skirt. This one was much longer than the other one.

“How far do I pull this up?” I asked as I stepped into it.

“This one you can just tuck your top in,” Gina said and helped pull it up. “Turn around.”

I complied and she zipped up the zipper.

“How do you wear this stuff—” My body jerked backward as Gina did something behind me, “without someone helping you?”

“Oh, it’s easy, you get used to it,” Lacy said.

Alyx placed her hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and walked me closer to the mirror. “What do you think?”

The outfit was cute and the black and purple went especially well together. If it weren’t for the low top it would have been great. I did however like how the skirt flared out a bit right above my knees. I gave my hips a small turn, and watched the fabric twist. It was somehow satisfying.

“No, do this,” Alyx said and grabbed me by the hips and pushed to one side.

My body shifted.

“Now the other way.” She pushed. “Like this.”

My skirt and hips flung to the side getting some serious air. “Whoa,” I said.

“Put your arms up like this.” Alyx raised her arms so her elbows were about chin level and shifted her butt to the right. “Then you just do what we just did real slow.” She demonstrated as her lower body swung from left to right. When her hips hit the apex of each swing she snapped her fingers. “And that’s a slow dance.”

Lacy and Gina stood next to me and copied Alyx.

“C’mon you try,” Gina said.

Getting into the rhythm was hard for me. I did my best though and eventually, we all were in sync for a few thrusts.

“You did it!” Lacy screeched.

Gina jumped up and down while grabbing my arm. “Good job!”

Their enthusiasm was intoxicating and I couldn’t resist being excited too. “Let's do some more!” I said.

Alyx sat on Joy’s bed while Gina, Lacy, and I practiced the dance together. More than a few times we synced up and it felt really good.

Sam and Joy came out of the bathroom and I waved to the mirror.

Joy gestured at me, her mouth wide open, and she rushed right back into the bathroom. Sam backed up watching me for a few seconds before following Joy and closing the door.

I stopped and stared at the closed door.

Shit.

***