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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-02. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

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Chapter 13
 
 
I spent most of the morning in bed and didn't feel too good about myself when I finally did surface. Claire was right. I was going to have to sort out what I felt. Easier said than done. At the very least, I was going to have to learn better self control. I felt really foolish when I thought about how I had behaved. I could make a lot of excuses: alcohol, the atmosphere, whatever. But it still came down to me not thinking through what I was doing. I couldn't afford to get into another situation like that. First Paul, now Phil. I had to be careful.

I dressed simply in a beige sweater and my blue jeans. Minimal makeup. After last night, I knew I needed to tone it down. For my parents sake, but also for my own. I found Claire at the kitchen table eating breakfast. I checked the kitchen clock, it was just after midday. I joined her and poured a bowl of cereal.

"Claire," I began hesitantly, "about last night, you were totally right. I acted stupidly and I feel really embarrassed now. I'm going to try and catch myself on and think a lot more before acting in future."

She waved a hand at me, "Hey, it's really none of my business and I probably said too much last night." She paused, "But I do worry for you. I mean you've gone from being, how can I put it...," she wrinkled her nose.

I grinned, "Say whatever you were going to say."

She shrugged, "You've gone from being Mr. Average to almost overnight becoming the object of every red blooded male's fantasy. The rest of us girls have had a lifetime of getting used to dealing with male interest. You haven't."

I nodded, "I've a lot of catching up to do and quick."

She grinned, "Especially if you're going to be strutting your stuff before the world of teenage males on Top of the Pops."

I laughed, "A long way to go before that."

She shook her head, "I don't think it will be that long." She smiled, "I saw you on that stage last night. The way you sang, the way you performed."

I laughed self consciously, "Now stop that or I'll blush." I decided to change the subject, "Where are Mum and Dad?"

Claire grimaced, "They left about 20 minutes ago. Good timing you! They are away to visit some old friends for the day."

I grinned, "Did they give you a hard time?"

She rolled her eyes, "Did they ever! I got another mini lecture about how I should know better and not be encouraging you in such ways. They asked about what happened last night."

"And you said?"

Claire shrugged and took another mouthful of cereal, "I said you danced and sang on stage like a tramp and then jumped on Phil and snogged the face off him."

For a moment she had me, "No..."

She grinned, "I told them we chatted and danced and had a quiet night. You planning on telling them anything different."

I chuckled, "What like, you mean about...Brian?"

She sniggered and waved her spoon at me, "He's a nice guy, but I doubt anything will come of it."

I played the concerned sister, "Claire really at your age you should be thinking of settling down and not going for one night gratification with young men."

She stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed and changed the subject yet again. "So, you're free this afternoon," I asked.

She nodded, "What are you planning?"

I shrugged, "Might be a long shot, but how you do fancy driving me to Pembroke?"

She set her spoon down, "Pembroke? Are you serious? What's this about, you want to take a walk down memory lane, the old homestead? Come on, it's like a hundred miles away."

I nodded, "I know that. It's a loose end that I think I need to tie up."

She looked puzzled, "What on earth is it?"

I paused, "Look Claire, I've got new ID documents and all in the name of Nicola Evans. I'm not supposed to tell you that and I can't tell you how I got them so don't ask."

Claire nodded, "That morning you and Dad went out." She was sharp.

I shrugged, "I can't say alright? But basically, there won't be much official trace of Nick Evans. Which obviously if Cara Malone makes it onto Top of the Pops as you say, will be very important. But there is a major loophole remaining."

Claire nodded and clicked her fingers, "Your old school record."

I sighed, "You're too darn smart, always have been and it really irritates me sometimes."

She grinned, "Anyways, go on then and tell me what you are thinking. Please tell me that we aren't going to break into the school and falsify your records?"

I laughed, "That is plan B. But hopefully plan A will work out."

She drummed her fingers on the table with frustration, "Come on, out with it and tell me what you are planning."

I nodded, "OK, well I was thinking about how to go about this. I don't want to break in obviously. So I need someone who will change the records for me."

Claire narrowed her eyes, "Who on earth would do that?"

"Mrs. Forbes."

"Mrs. Forbes," Claire repeated thoughtfully, "You think she would do it?"

Mrs. Forbes was the music teacher at Pembroke High. She had always encouraged me to pursue my talent and my dreams, she had always been a support and help to me at school. Before I left school she told me she would be watching out for my name to appear in the headlines sometime in the future and made me promise to keep in touch. I had broken the promise. "Yes, well I think she might help me. And I heard she was made Vice-Principal so she should have access to the records. I don't know what else to try."

Claire nodded and looked thoughtful, "And you think you really need to do this?"

I shrugged, "I would hope not. If someone goes to such lengths looking into my past, this probably isn't even enough. But I don't know if I can leave it to chance."

She nodded and mused, "Yes, I guess this would be a tabloid newspaper's dream. Well have you at least spoken to Mrs. Forbes?"

I shook my head, "I looked up the phone number in the directory but haven't phoned yet. I wanted to check if you could run me down there today if needed."

She sighed, "The things I do for my sister. Go phone because if we are going down there, we should get going sooner rather than later."

I did as I was bid and grabbed the phone to take it into the next room. I dialled the number I had written down. Of course she might not be there; it was New Year's Day after all. Would she remember me? The phone was answered at the other end.

"Hello?" It was Mrs. Forbes. Oh crap, think Nick's voice.

"Err, hello Mrs. Forbes?"

"Yes, who is that?"

"Umm, you may not remember me, this is Nick Evans."

"Nicholas! Of course I remember. Why this is a surprise."

"Yes, sorry to phone out of the blue like this, but I well, sort of need a favour."

She sounded puzzled, "Oh? What is it?"

I paused, "I know this sounds really strange, but I would rather talk about it face to face. You still work in the school?"

"Yes. Are you alright? You sound a little strange."

"Yes I'm fine. But I do need to talk to you. Today. If that's OK?"

A little pause, "Well alright. I'm not going anywhere. Do you know where I live?"

She gave me the address and I wrote it down. I figured I had better say a little more before turning up. "I'll be coming with my sister Claire, you may remember her. But just to let you know, I'm quite different now to how you remember me."

She was really confused now, "Are you sure you are alright Nick?"

"Yes I'm sure. I'll explain everything when we get there. We should be there in about two and a half hours."
 

*          *          *
 
It was a long tedious drive and I got the impression that Claire was not exactly overjoyed at being my chauffeur. Or chauffeuse? I wondered if that was a word or not. It was very strange to eventually drive back into our old home town. I hadn't been there since my parents moved to Cardiff three years ago. I had had no reason to return. Until now. We pulled up outside Mrs. Forbes semi-detached house and got out.

As I walked up the path, I realised that I was taking a bit of a chance. Mrs. Forbes would be another person to be added to 'the list'. I wondered what Jools would think of what I was doing and I realised I maybe should have given her a ring to at least tell her what I was planning. Too late now. I pressed the doorbell.

The door opened. "Hello?" Mrs. Forbes said without much evidence of recognition of Claire or myself. Then something clicked. She looked at Claire, "Oh I remember you, you are Claire Evans aren't you? But where is Nick then?"

She looked at me and I smiled sheepishly, "Hi Mrs. Forbes."

I got the wide-eyed astonished 'it can't be' look which I was getting quite familiar with. "Nick?" she gasped.

I smiled nervously, "Well it's sort of Nicola now."

She looked flustered, "Y-you'd better come in."

She told us to wait in the hallway for a moment and she went in and shooed her husband out the other door into the kitchen. She brought us in and we sat down. She apologised, "Sorry, but Cecil would find this even stranger to take in than me. Now what has happened to you?"

I grinned, "Where do I start? Well as you can see, I'm not living as Nick anymore, I've sort of had a major life change." I went on to explain a little about how my life had been going and how I felt now. I wanted to give her some background, but I didn't say anything about my music yet.

She listened and to her credit seemed to be trying to understand, "This is really quite incredible. I would not have recognised you at all. But I'm still at a loss to see where I fit in to this."

I nodded, "I've got a recording contract with Sony Music."

She took this in, "As Nicola I presume?"

"Well as Cara Malone. Stage name you know. But yes, as a female."

She nodded, "So you didn't make it as Nick ever?"

I shook my head and she continued, "You were one of the most gifted students I had ever taught. I really did think you would succeed."

I smiled, "I think I might be about to." I looked over at her piano, "May I show you?"

She smiled warmly, "Please do."

I sat down at the piano and pondered over which song to sing. Which would she appreciate most? I decided on 'Not dancing, but flying' as it was a piano driven soft ballad. I played the song and sang with as much feeling as I could muster.

"And whenever I will think or dream of you, we're not dancing, but flying."

I swivelled round on the stool and looked at her for her reaction. She clapped her hands, "Amazing. You've an even better voice now than you had before." She winked, "But you hit a B flat there instead of B in the third verse."

I laughed, "I blame you for some of my perfectionist tendencies you know."

The atmosphere was a little more relaxed now. Music had always been a strong bond between me and Mrs. Forbes. Most people have one teacher that has a major influence on them and she was mine.

"But you didn't come down here all this way just for me to tell you how good you are did you?" she asked.

I shook my head, "No. As you can imagine, no-one knows, well very few people know that Cara Malone was once Nick Evans. And as I am sure you can appreciate, it wouldn't exactly be helpful for this to come out. If I do succeed that is."

"Go on Nicola, tell me why you've come," she gently urged.

I sighed, "I know this is a lot to ask, but I was wondering if you would be able to help me to get my school records changed from a male Nicholas to a female Nicola."

She nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "I was beginning to think it would be something like this. This is a lot to ask you know."

I nodded, "I know, I'm really sorry to have to do it, but I couldn't think of any other way to do it. Well apart from breaking in, but Claire talked me out of that. I was just thinking that you know as you were Vice-Principal that you might be able to do this."

She smiled a strange smile, "Nic-ola, didn't you hear? I'm not the VP anymore."

My face fell and I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach, "Oh." I sighed, "I really should have asked before I came all this way."

She gave a little chuckle, "It's alright. No, I'm not the VP. Nic-ola dear, I was made Principal of Pembroke High nine months ago."

I looked up at her and saw her wry grin. I didn't know what to think or hope. "Erm, does that mean you'll do it?"

She looked intently at me, "It means I could do it, but I'm not sure if I should. Falsifying records? If it were found out, I could in theory be dismissed."

I nodded. She was right of course. What right had I to ask her to put herself at risk. But then it came to me and I clicked my fingers, "What if I could give you irrefutable proof that you hadn't falsified the records?"

She looked at me curiously, "What are you talking about?"

"What if your 'amended' records simply agreed with my legal identity? Mrs. Forbes, I shouldn't say too much about this, but let's just say that if anyone viewed my passport or birth certificate, or checked any centrally stored government records, what they would find would be in accordance with what I am asking you to change my records to. So if there were any comeback on it, the school records would simply match my legal documents."

She pondered this and slowly nodded. "I see what you mean. I want to help you, so I'll do this." She paused, "Are you sure about what you are doing? I mean this is a drastic change."

I smiled and nodded, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some doubts or fears. But the thought of going back to my life the way it was is something I can barely conceive. So, I'm fairly sure, not completely sure. But are we ever completely sure of anything?"

She nodded, "Fair point. Alright well it seems as if Nicola Evans is going to become the most gifted student I ever had."

"Mrs. Forbes, will anyone else at the school find out about this?"

She shrugged, "Past pupil records are only accessed if a specific request comes in. Like from an employer wanting a report of conduct, confirmation of exam results and the like. There is no other reason for anyone to look them up."

I nodded, "I really appreciate this. Thank you so much. I know I probably don't have to say it, but can you keep all this to yourself?"

She winked, "I was planning on telling Mr. Harkins."

I laughed and winced all at the same time. Mr. Harkins was the Physical Education teacher who had tried unsuccessfully to engage my interest in some form of sport. Whereas I had spent my time making excuses to head off to the music department. I grinned, "Well if you do, tell him I am running and working out most mornings now. More than I ever did."

She raised an eyebrow and looked at me, "Well it certainly looks like you do."

I thanked her again and we left. We got into the car and we both groaned at the prospect of the long drive back to Cardiff. Mum and Dad were there when we got back. I received a few comments along the lines of them being glad to see me dressed more modestly. When they asked us where we had been, I evaded a direct answer and told them we had been to see an old friend.
 

*          *          *
 
I was up early the next morning and didn't even have time for a run. Claire had to leave early to get back to Bristol for work. I had decided to hitch a lift with her and then get the bus back down to London. I had initially planned to stay until the end of the weekend. But I was beginning to itch to get back to the city and get on with things. I had in a strange way enjoyed the time I had spent at home and I knew it had been worthwhile, although extremely difficult. However it was time to move on. There was a band to find and songs to write. Dad was heading back into work again today and Mum was up to ensure we all had a hearty breakfast before going our separate ways. I had all my things packed and wore my black velvet top and denim skirt with my long black leather boots.

As we were about to leave I said my goodbyes. I gave Mum a hug and was surprised by the strength of the return hug she gave me. She looked at me closely, "Now you take care of yourself. Be sensible and don't do anything stupid."

My father harrumphed, "You mean don't do anything ELSE stupid."

I forced a smile, "Bye Dad." I didn't know whether to hug him or not. We both stood there awkwardly and from the look on his face, he didn't look overly receptive to or desiring of prolonged displays of affection.

"Keep in touch," Mum said.

"I will," I promised.

"Love you both," she called after us.

"Love you too," Claire and I chorused.

We got in the car and Claire chuckled. "What is it?" I asked.

She shook her head, "Just thinking, if I ever lose my job, at least I know what my next job could be."

"OK go on, tell me."

She grinned and winked, "Chauffeuring Cara Malone. I've certainly had enough experience of it."

I pouted and gave her a playful slap. The roads were fairly empty this early in the morning but as we approached Bristol, the morning traffic was beginning to build. Claire pulled up outside the bus station where I had arrived on my way to her house only ten days previously. It seemed like almost a lifetime ago. She helped me lift my suitcase from the boot of the car and we stood there looking at each other.

She grinned, "Come here you." We hugged fiercely.

"Thanks Claire," I murmured, "Thanks for everything. You're the best."

She laughed, "I don't know about that." She became serious, "You know Mum was right. You need to be careful. You'll not always have your big sister there to look out for you."

I nodded, "I know. I'll give you a ring in the next few days."

We said our goodbyes and I went in and bought my ticket. As the bus pulled out for the trip to London, I began to muse over the happenings of the last week or so. It had been emotionally draining. I examined myself, metaphorically speaking, to see whether I was less or more certain of what I was doing in the light of all that had taken place. I guess it was six of one and half a dozen of another. I was certain that what I was doing was right. I was sure that it was what I wanted. What I think I had realised though was that although I could look, walk and talk like a woman, I had a lot to learn about surviving as a woman in the world outside. In the first few weeks, I nearly always had Jools and Beth there to support and help me. The last week or so, I had had Claire. Could I cope without such support? I didn't know and the thought was a disconcerting one. I would have to find out.

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