Alternative Reality 1

I tried to open my eyes but had to close them again. Everything was black. I tried to open my eyes. They were so heavy. I did my best to keep them open, but the light hurt them. Everything looked so white. I could see this woman looking down at me saying to wake up. She was calling me Ashley! My name was Ash! I closed my eyes again. I could not keep them open.

I closed my eyes again, and I could hear my mom and dad fighting in the car. I knew they were talking about me. Mom was saying that the school nurse rang and wanted to meet them the next day. She was talking about child services and dad was getting mad. He was looking at mom, trying to calm her down by telling her that they were good parents. Then I saw metal and glass fly all over the place as dad drove into a huge oak tree. I remember screaming and the pain as it felt like I was being torn apart and there were so much pain and noise of twisted metal, broken glass and screaming.

I opened my eyes and remembered I have been in a car accident with my parents. I was not in pain, but my body felt so heavy and stiff. Everything was white around me and I slowly realized that I was in a hospital. I could see a nurse and then a doctor around me. I also saw this old-fashioned woman looking at me, telling everyone that Ashley was awake. Why did she keep calling me that? I started to ask where my mom and dad were. No one would answer. Then I started getting hysteric telling them I wanted my parents. The doctor said I was not ready yet and he gave me a shot where everything went black again.

My eyes opened again and I looked around. I was quiet this time as I did not want to be put to sleep again. My grandmother was saying that she did not know how much I could understand. I think I was a bit drugged, as she kept on calling me a girl. I was a boy. I just looked around and waited and waited for the drugs to wear off.

The woman told me she was my grandmother and I would be living with her from now on. I looked at her confused and told her that I wanted my mother and father. She took my hand and told me my family was in a car accident and I was the only survivor. I was in shock and in grief as I realized that this meant that my mom and dad were now dead. I was an orphan. My grandmother told me she was there, and it was good to cry. I just looked up at the ceiling and as tears were running down my cheeks, I was remembering my parents, and how they were fighting before they died. I cried thinking they were the best parents a boy could ever want. The rest of the day was quiet in the hospital, despite my grandmother telling me that she would take care of me. I closed my eyes as I had no tears left. What would life be like with no parents? What was my grandmother like? When would the grief I felt in my heart not hurt so much?

The next few days, I just was in bed recovering. Hospital food was not that bad and I had my own room. My grandmother was there all the time. She fussed around a lot, making sure everything was tidy and making sure I got my medicine on time. She was a strict woman. I wonder why I never met her before. Did she not like my parents?

I asked grandma if I could wear pyjamas and not this gown. She told me I was wearing a nightdress. I nearly vomited when she said that and told her I was no sissy. She looked at me in a stern way and told me we would talk about it later. I gave her my worse look. I must have blushed so much every time a doctor or nurse came into the room. I hid under the covers and did not want them to see me in a girl’s night dress.

The next day, this woman came in and sat down on a chair next to me. She was a psychiatrist at the hospital. I sighed as I thought she would be talking about my dear parents. However, she looked at my file and whispered to herself where should she start? She asked me if I was 8 years old, and I nodded. Then she said I have a lot to deal with. I already knew that my parents were in heaven and I now had to live with my grandmother. I nodded again.

“I do not know how to say this,” she continued, “in all my years; I have never seen a case like this. You were a son of your parents, and they treated you in every way like a son. I know they loved you and took great care of you. However, you were not born a son. You were born as their daughter….”

I started to explain I didn’t want this nightdress on, and that I was a boy. The shrink explained that for some reason, my parents were raising me as a boy. This was despite the fact that I had a girl’s body. She then showed me a picture of a naked boy and a naked girl. I was in shock. I once saw Billy’s boy’s thing and asked mom why I didn’t have one, Mom said it will grow when I was ready. I believed her! Now I was being told I had a girl’s body!

Granny told the woman that dad could not deal with girls, as he simply did not know how to take care of them. They treated me like a tomboy and in time, they considered me as a boy and I was basically raised as a boy. I felt so stupid that I never questioned my body before. My head felt very light as the fact that I was a girl was bouncing around in it. It was suddenly hard to breathe and my whole body was in turmoil. The shrink said I was having an anxiety attack. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t even breathe. I was given a tablet to relax like I was on a fluffy cloud.

When I was myself again, and after crying for a long time, Granny told me we were going home the next day. I looked at her and told her that I could have the body of a girl, but I only ever lived as a boy. My mind was that of a boy. This made granny mad. She said the good Lord created me as a girl, and I will always be a girl. She held my hand very tight and warned me I should now consider myself a girl if I was to be happy living with her. I was afraid of the woman and shut my mouth.

The next day, grandma started putting clothes on me. They were panties, tights, a small skirt and a tube top. She told me I would not be getting a haircut for a long time. I looked in the mirror. I looked like a sissy. Everyone could see my belly and the skirt was so small. I tried to pull it down but if I had to conclude that it was short. Granny had a smile on her face and said that I looked so pretty. It was time to go. As we went out of the hospital and in public, everyone was saying how pretty I was. I started to suck my thumb, so no one would see me cry.

Granny lived in an old house that also smelled old. She showed me my bedroom which nearly blinded me. It was so pink and white. The bed was an old-fashioned canopy bed with purple curtains. The floor was a thick pink carpet. The walls were white with posters of puppies, kittens and Disney princesses. The roof was sparkling stars. The room was cute. It was too cute. It was a girl’s bedroom. Granny told me she hoped I liked it. She called me Ashley again. She told me none of my old things was here, and she even bought me new clothes. I opened the dressers and wardrobe. Dresses, skirts, tops, and every sort of girl shoe you can buy. There were no boy clothes. I could feel my anxiety again and I kicked a dollhouse and screamed my name was Ash and I did not want to be a girl!

Granny got very mad at me and told me I was a girl and I had to accept it. God made me a girl. My parents fooled around with creation. She stormed out of my new bedroom and warned me to think about what I will do, or life would be very sad from now on. I could hear her mumbling that how could anyone treat a girl like a boy?

I looked around and ripped off my girl clothes and just sat there naked. I wanted to scream and cry, but I had no tears left. I started to think of what I wanted. This was easy. I wanted my mom and dad back. I wanted my old clothes and toys. I wanted my old name. All this was not possible, and when I looked down at my body, it confirmed that I was born as a girl. This confused me, as I had a girl’s body, but I felt like a boy. I looked in the mirror and felt so empty inside when I saw a girls slit on my body. Should I fight God and the way he created me? I had to accept that I was a girl. Otherwise, my life would be hell.

The next day, I found a Sundays dress put out for me. It was a yellow dress that was very puffy and had a green ribbon belt. The dress also had a lace collar. There were also ankle socks and sandals. I looked in the mirror and went down and presented myself to my granny. She smiled and told me it was good that I accepted who I was. I put on a weak polite smile. I hoped this made her happy. She looked up and down and then said I needed one more change. She cut the fringe of my hair and put a flower in my hair. It was long for a boy. But now the fringe was straight down, making me look more like a girl. Granny told me that would have to do, but I could use hair extensions until my hair grew plus earrings.

On the way to church, she told me she was happy that I saw the light. After all, I was only 8 years old, so I was not old enough or mature enough to see reality. She told me I was lucky I was going to live in a new town, as no one would know I was treated like a boy before. She smiled and said everyone would see the true me. She was speaking all the way to church, saying we should give thanks to God that my identity was saved.

I didn’t listen too much to what the priest said. I was thinking of living in a new place. I missed my old friends! Besides that, it was hard remembering how a girl should act. I found out when I was sitting on a bench outside that it was important to keep my legs together. This old creepy man was staring up my dress at my panties. I felt so embarrassed that he was doing that. Granny saw it and told me to close my legs. She said it like it was my own fault!

When we got home, I was going to hide in my bedroom and remember the old days. I didn’t get permission to do this, as granny gave me a duster and told me I could help with housework. Walking around the house and dusting the old furniture was fun. It’s like I was wiping 100 years of dust from the things. I tried to be funny and dust granny. After all, she was just as old as the furniture. The woman did not have humour. She just told me to continue doing my duty and do not get my dress dirty.

That night, she was reading me a story about a princess and a fairy. I tried to pay attention, but the story was just too cute. I close my eyes and imagined spiderman. Then I started to feel anxiety and opened them again remembering I promised to myself to adapt to the new changes. She finally finished the story but then said that I would be starting ballet next day.

What has my life become?

Ballet was a nightmare. I went to school and was in a changing room with other girls. They were friendly with me, especially when I said I never tried before. I put the leotard and tights and slippers on and it felt like it was glued to my skin. I tried not to hate it, but I did. When I went to the dancing room, I felt so naked. Then we all had to stand by a bar and then do what the lady told us. I couldn’t see that we were dancing so much, it was just lifting legs a folding them and stretching. I know the class was for 45 mins and wondered how slow 45 minutes could go. It was like the time was broken.

When the ballet was over I was so happy. However, I would have to go through it all in again in a week’s time. I asked granny do u have to do ballet and she said yes!

As every day went by I was becoming more and more depressed about my body and the fact that granny wanted me as some princess. I did honestly try and accept it, but how could I just forget what my life was until now? My mind would simply not accept that I was a girl. I was in a conflict. A girl’s body and a granny that wanted me to be a girl this was easier said than done. I am a boy... a boy with the wrong body! I was not going to tell granny as she would just get mad and I was afraid every time she got mad.

So the next time I had ballet, I told granny that I would go to school and then I would cycle home. She was smiling saying that it great that I was so excited about going to the ballet. I was excited, but it was for a different reason.

After school, I went on my bike and cycled towards ballet. However, I cycled by it. I peddled so fast that and my and heart was beating so fast with excitement. I had jeans on and a white t-shirt. They were girl clothes, but they could also be worn by boys. I cycled and cycled thinking that I was free. It was to another part of town. I was never here before, but I found some boys playing basketball in an old parking lot. I got off my bike and walked towards them. I had a smile on my face and I felt like myself again.

There were 7 boys, so I asked them if I could play. One of the boys looked at me and said he did not want a sissy to play. Another boy said I was not a sissy, I was a girl. They considered my clothes to be girlish. I went up to them and took the ball and dribbled the ball telling them to come and take it from me if they wanted to. They could not take it away from me. For the next 45 minutes, we played. It was the first time that I had so much fun in weeks! Before I went, I told them that my name was ash, and I was nearly 9 years old. They told me I was great for only being 8 years old. They invited me back!

So the next few weeks, I did my best to be a good well-behaved girl at home. This was despite I had to wear the girlish clothes and live as someone who liked everything to be pretty and cute. I had to survive pretending to be someone I was not. I had to be overjoyed that my hair was getting longer and longer. It no longer was a boy’s hairstyle. This being said, the happiest time of the week was when I was Ash playing basketball. They considered me a sissy, but at least a sissy is a boy! This escape once a week was when I smiled the most.

This was until one day we were playing basketball. It was a very hot day, so we all had our t-shirts off. It was not like that I had any boobs. It was 16 days until I was 9 years old; I was as flat as could be. The simple act of taking off a t-shirt was total freedom. I was Ash, not Ashley!

That was until I heard a loud voice calling Ashley’s name!

It was granny. She must have followed me. She told me to come to her. I walked slowly with my head low. She told my friends that they should be ashamed, as they were comfortable being with a girl without a t-shirt. I never felt so humiliated in my life as I heard the boys whisper and ask themselves was I really a girl?

On our way home, she stopped at one of her friends. Granny said nothing at all until now. She told me her friend was retired but promised to do this. I wondered what she would do, but was only told to sit down. Before I knew it, my ears were pierced and I had two earrings in them. Granny told me that they will always remind me who I was and I would not deceive myself or others anymore. She told me I would be starting at an all-girl boarding school that was strict and would teach me how to be a lady! I cried and cried, and begged grandmother not to send me there. I would promise to forget everything about being a boy.

She did not believe me, and when I was in bed that night, I did not believe myself either. I tried being a girl. I did not feel like one. Now my granny was going to send me to a boarding school where I would learn how to be a princess and if I refused, I who knows what would happen.

Did granny love me? Would she only love me if I was a girl? Would she not love me when I knew I was a boy? One thing was certain for me. My life was going to be full of tears, unhappiness and torment.

Late at night, I didn’t take any clothes with me. I sneaked out of the house and snuck out of the house.

The next day, granny would find out that I ran away.

To be continued.