Missing you

When someone is a transgender, it is a huge thing. I mean basically, you are rebelling against your body and the way you are born. It is hard when you realize you are different. This is especially the case when you are a child because you need the support of your family. If you do not keep your feelings a secret and confide in your family, it means your gender identity would be the main focus of family life. It means others will have to live with it and accept you are transgender.

Many stories and accounts of transgender children are centred on the child. It is not this simple. Being a transgender is a journey. For the child, it is a question of how far you will go as a transgender. Will it be to dress as a girl, or do you aim to go the whole way, using hormones and an operation? What many people forget is that you are not alone. Your family follows you and has to accept on how you change. Your parents have to accept that they lost a son, but gained a daughter. This is the same as your friends. It can be very confusing for some of how a boy they knew all their life is now saying he is a girl!

I always knew I was different. Even when I was a toddler, I would wear play with dolls and I always would put a dress on me when possible. Since I remember, I hated getting haircuts. I knew I was different, I just didn’t know how. Things became serious when I was 7 when I wanted to dress as Pocahontas for Halloween. I was allowed, but after Halloween, I did not want to wear any boy’s clothes again. I was an only child and had the best parents in the world. They were confused to as why I refused to wear boy clothes, and it was a daily fight to get them on. By the time it was Christmas, I refused to answer when they called me by boy’s name. I wanted to be called Dakota. So the conflicts grew and grew until they took me to a shrink. She helped a lot when she asked was I a girl in a boy’s body? At last, I could put some words on what I was thinking.

Now my parents knew I had a gender identity problem. They could have continued the fight, and who knows maybe I would have buried this all someplace deep in me. This did not happen. On my 8th birthday, I was given a dress and doll as a present. Even the birthday card said, “To Dakota!”

So my life as a girl started. My boy's life was replaced with a girl’s life. My clothes, bedroom and toys were now girls. This was no phase of life, I was so happy. When I became 12, I took hormone blockers that would stop my boy hormones, and I soon would be taking female hormones. I already decided that when I was old enough, I would get the operation.

When I started my life as a girl, I was not teased by my classmates. I told them that I was a girl. The problem was that God gave me the wrong body. Most shrugged their shoulders and just said that must be confusing. They accepted me as a girl and the more time that went, the more people forgot I was a boy. I started hanging out with the girls. They helped a lot by telling me what colour goes with what colour and how to do my hair. As time went by, I was shy when I was around boys. Some of them were so cute!

The same happened with my family. Once they decided to treat me like a girl, they didn’t turn back. It was hard for my dad at first. He thought being a man was the greatest gift from God, and didn’t understand why I considered myself a girl. In time, he accepted it and even loved having a daughter. Mom was great. I loved when she did my hair, like doing pigtails. We would chat a lot when she did my hair.

My best friend was Amy. She was like a twin sister. In fact, she spent more time at our house than her own house. She knew I was once a boy, but that did not bother her. I was a girl and she said there was nothing to discuss. She did joke once a while about having a boy’s body and something between my legs. She wondered what would happen when I found a boyfriend and what he would say to it.

So where did my problems really start?

I had a birthday party a few weeks before school started up after the summer holidays. This was an important birthday, as I was now a teenager. Most of my friends came, but some were on holidays. We would be going to our beach house the following day. The party went great. We were in the garden. The boys were playing football and the girls were sitting in a group. We were talking about music and which of the boys were playing well. I must admit we also talked about who was cute or not. We also did the normal birthday things like eat cake and presents. I was given some makeup and some things I could paint with. Mom and Dad gave me a bikini as they said I was old enough for one.

The next day, we were at the beach. My parents rented a small beach house for a week. It would be a great break before I started school again. Amy was with us. We had the same room with a bunk bed. She took the top one while I took the lower one. I hate to be in the top bed. We planned what we would do. Amy wanted to teach me how to put makeup on. I never used it and she thought that I was old enough. I told her we would see. I just wanted to get a suntan.

The beach holiday had a bad start. I tried my new bikini on and Amy and I were walking on the beach. She also had a bikini on. We were giggling and chatting until we came close to two teens. One of them started pointing at me and giggling. They could see the shape of my boy's thing in my bikini. It was poking out in full glory making a sort of tent. They knew I had a boy’s body, so they started calling me a sissy and gay and a lot of bad names

We rushed past them and found a place to sunbathe. We sat still for a few minutes and I burst out crying. I was not used to people calling me names and teasing me. I was lucky as my friends and family never called me names or gave me problems that I still had a boy’s body. That teen boy was mean and I did know why he had to tease me to the point where I would cry. Could they not respect me for who I was? Amy put her arm around me and told me some boys could be idiots. She advised I hide my boy's thing between my legs. We could use tape. So we did this after lunch.

Mom heard about the boy teasing me when we were eating lunch. She did not say much. In fact, she just sat in her own thoughts. Amy told us that we used tape so no one could see any evidence or tent. Mom still said nothing but just told us to eat. She seemed depressed so we just ate our lunch. It was strange seeing mom being so quiet. Maybe it was the heat. Amy and I just chatted while Dad read the newspaper. He tried to cheer mom up by asking her if she would like to go shopping. Mom sighed and said she may as well.

Amy and I walked down the beach again and this time people did not laugh when they saw me. It was a bit uncomfortable, but I did not want to be teased again. We found a place and sat down. The sand was soft and we had a great view of the beach. We soon forget about that teen that teased me and was talking about different things. Being on a beach was great. It was like time stood still and the pressures were gone. Even the air was different. It was much easier to breathe. I always wondered what it would be like wearing a bikini. I mean it showed lots of skin. Despite the problem my boy's body gave, it was a good experience. I felt older.

This boy came and sat down next to us. I went quiet looking down to make sure nothing was poking out. The boy's name was Jake and he was 14 and on holidays with his family. Amy did most of the talking while I just sat and blushed. To be honest, I was afraid that he would start teasing me like the other one we met earlier did. As it turned out, he was quite nice and he had no intention of teasing or being mean.

Amy said she suddenly had to go back to the cabin which left me alone with Jake. This forced me to speak, and in no time we were talking like we were best friends. I found out we liked the same films and music, and both hated Maths in class. At one stage he told me that I was very pretty and asked if I had a boyfriend. He was surprised I didn’t have one. He then held my hand. My heart was beating so quick and I felt lightheaded. Jake was one of the cutest boys I ever saw and here he was holding my hand! My heart skipped a beat when he asked me do I believe in love at first sight. I told him it was time to go home and promised we could meet each other again.

When I came home, I was in such a good mood. Amy knew why and smiled as I told mom that I met this new boy. I talked and talked about how cute Jake was and that we even held hands. Mom was very quiet as I told the story. The only thing she asked did Jake know I was transgender. I said no and told mom I wasn’t going to tell him. Mom suddenly started to cry which confused me. She excused herself and went outside to hide in some corner. I was wondering what I said wrong and if she was mad at me. Amy gave me a hug and told me I was in love for the first time. Mom must have realized I was now a young woman! It must be hard for any mom seeing their daughter is growing up!

After a while, I went out to mom and gave her a hug. She explained that she was sorry she cried and was so emotional. I told her I loved her and she was the best mom in the world. She told me she was just being foolish and her mind was playing tricks on her. She smiled and told us we should visit the shops in the town. So I put on a purple dress and we went downtown. We visited one shop after another shop. I really did not want anything. It was fun wishing I could buy it all. Mom quickly was in a good mood again, so it’s true what they say… shopping helps! We smiled as we talked about what looks nice and what did not look so nice.

At one shop we were talking about buying a matching outfit. Mom was so happy about this and we were giggling like two small girls. All of a sudden mom went quiet and she would not answer me. Her eyes started welling up and I could see she was about to cry. I could see her looking at a mother picking some clothes for her son. She stopped at what she was doing and just looked at the mother and son. After a few minutes, she knelt down and started crying. I was so worried. The other mother came and gave my mom a hug and telling her she knows buying clothes for children could be stressful. She said mom was lucky to have a daughter, as sons were impossible. Mom looked up at the boy and had a new fit of tears.

When we came home, I asked mom was she ok? Dad seemed also worried. Everyone was supposed to smile when we were on holidays. Mom put on a smile and said she would cook.

The next couple of days, I was with Jake all the time. Amy thought it was cute that I would spend ages making my hair was perfect and I looked my best when I saw him. She even helped me with eyeshadow and mascara on. We even used lip-gloss. Then I would see Jake and I felt like we were on a pink cloud. I knew he fancied me and I knew he was cute. There was one thing I was afraid of. What would he say when he found out what my body looks like.

It was a few days before we were to go home. I agreed to meet Jake outside to look at the sunset. How romantic could we get? I had on my best summer dress. We sat outside the cabin and held hands as we looked at the sunset.

“There is something I have to ask,” He said, “You know I like you a lot. In fact, I love you! I am asking if you will be my girlfriend,”
“Well… I would love to, but there is something I should tell you. You see it is the way I was born….”

He said he did not care and before I could tell him it was important, he gave me a kiss. This was no puppy love kiss. It was one like an adult kiss. I did not know what to do; I just surrendered my body to him. It was like we could hear fireworks and like everything I was spinning. I put my hand around him as we continued to kiss. It was like time stood still. I looked at the cabin and could see mom at the door looking at us. She went into the cabin. I told Jake that I had to go.

I was in one of the happiest moods I was in. I wanted to share my joy with mom, so I tried to find her. I opened the door to her bedroom; she was lying on the bed and crying. I could see that she was holding a picture of me as a boy. I crept on the bed and gave her a hug.
Mom tried to explain, “You know that your mom and dad support you being transgender. I can see you are happy and that is so important. However, I have been emotional because I miss the boy I lost when you started living as a girl. I know it’s just me being foolish. I may have lost a son but gained a daughter… a daughter I love and who I am so proud of. Don’t mind me; I am just being a foolish old woman. I am so sorry. Tell me about your new boyfriend.”

I did not want to talk about Jake. I told mom he fancied me, but what would he say when he found out I was transgender.

I went to my bunk and looked at the ceiling thinking about everything. Maybe I was wrong on insisting I was transgender. Dad didn’t really understand it. It now made mom cry. That boy teased me a few days ago. I also was deceiving Jake by not telling him the whole truth.
The next day, I spent a lot of time I the bathroom. Mom kept on calling me to breakfast. I made a decision so I took some scissors and cut my hair. It was like a knife stabbing me every time I cut some hair and I was in tears. However, I could not be selfish anymore. When I was done, I looked like a skater boy. I put on some denim shorts I had.

I went down to breakfast and everyone went silent. It looked like they all had a heart attack. I told them the phase is over. I no longer wanted to be a girl. I did not want to discuss it. That made Dad happy. He continued eating breakfast like nothing happened. Mom gave me a strange look and Amy whispered in my ear that she did not believe me.

After breakfast mom fixed and cut my hair so it looked decent. The rest of the day went as well as we played cards and other games. The only bad thing was when Jake came and asked could I come out. He was told I was sick. Somehow I could not tell him the truth. It would break his heart, and I was not brave enough to do that.

I came in the summer holidays as a girl and went home as a boy. Dad wasted no time in getting rid of all my girl things. He even bought a whole set of boy clothes for me the next day and put my girl clothes in plastic bags. He looked like the nightmare was over. This was great to see. I don’t think I ever saw him smile as much.

Mom was not smiling. She thought I was doing this because she was crying. I admit it was the reason that I changed my mind. However, I told her I did not want to discuss it. At times mom was happy and smiling and we would do things like bake or watch TV. Then at other times she would stare at me and be silent in her thoughts. When I look back at it, mom’s mood changed a lot.

Jake sent me loads of messages. He told me how pretty I was and how he missed me. He wanted to meet and that was possible because he lived on the other side of town. I never knew what to answer as I was to chicken to tell him I was a boy. I just told him that I was busy. Mom told me I should tell him the truth. I got an anxiety attack every time he sent a message. It ended up that he sent me a message saying I was obviously not interested in him anymore and he thought that I loved him as well. He wrote that he understood I was not interested. I cried because I felt like I broke your heart.

I wrote him a message:
“I do love you… but you deserve a real girlfriend. I never told you the full truth. I was transgender when we met… I have a boy’s body…. You deserve a real girl… I am sorry I did not tell you the full truth… I will always love you!”
He did not send an answer.

Things did not go better when I started school again. Everyone was surprised that I was a boy. They called me a Tomboy. One day they pulled down my trousers and could see I had a boy’s body. This did not stop them from being bullies. Now they teased that I was a sissy and most likely gay. I suddenly felt so lonely. The people that teased me were the same people I called friends months before. Maybe they could accept it when I was transgender and maybe they even forgot it. They could not accept that I wanted to be a boy. It made my life at school a misery and I hated every time I had to go.

It didn’t help at home either. Amy no longer came to visit and that meant I was alone. I asked her why she did not visit. She shrugged her shoulders and said we had a lot to do together when I was a girl, but what would we do now that I was a boy? She mentioned that she was also afraid of people thinking I was her boyfriend.

Even mom acted strangely at times. Sometimes I would see her looking at pictures of me as a girl. Sometimes she would find something I had as a girl and sit with it and sigh. A few times she asked if I wanted her to brush my hair, then she would apologise in a low voice remembering I did not need pigtails anymore.

I was no longer happy. I felt like I lost everything from Jake, Amy and to friends at school. Most important is that I did not feel like a boy. I thought people would be happy that I no longer insisted that I was a girl. They did not. They turned their back on me. In a way, I also turned my back on myself- Every time I saw myself in the mirror, I hated the image of the boy. He was not me! He was someone I was pretending to be. I was not a boy!

When I was at my lowest, Jake sent me a message and said that he did not care if I was a boy, girl or monkey. He was in love with me and wanted to meet!

I replied that I wanted to meet him.

Later that night mom came in with a dress, “You will need this when you meet Jake. You are not a boy. You are a girl and it’s wrong to think otherwise. If you think I am right and know you are a girl, then take this dress and live the life that makes you happy. Maybe sometime, you will allow my son to visit me on some weekends.”

I took the dress and smiled. I have to ring Amy to help me get ready for a date.