I woke early in the morning and heard my sister up in her room below me; I knew mom must be awake also. I’m not dressing as Jessie, but I do decide to wear my yellow cami and panties. I made double sure they did not show through. My shirt was long enough that nothing would show if I bent down. I brushed out and tussled my hair so it would be fitting for Jeff. I check the mirror to make sure only my boy clothes are showing.

I thought of using just a little mascara or other makeup but decided against it. I was dressed and ready for school by the time I usually get up. Mom smiles as I enter the kitchen and I got myself some cereal. “Hey, young man what is with you being up?”

“I woke and heard you and Rachel down here. I decided to get up instead of trying to go back to sleep. I thought if I dressed as Jessie, I would have needed the extra time.” I wetted my lips and Mom smiled.

She asked, “Did you want to dress as Jessie to go to school?” I replied, “No!”

She asked, “Would you like to get out early enough from school to change and be Jessie, to see Dr. Hunt?”

I had to think a moment, but I didn’t think it was a serious possibility. I was pretty sure Dr. Beth wanted to see Jeff today. “Even if I thought Dr. Hunt was open to it, I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in the waiting room as Jessie… Were you serious about asking?”

Mom stopped, “I was serious to find out if you’d be at ease with the idea. Jeff, it seems you are accepting that Jesse is part of you.”

By now I was eating my breakfast, “Mom, would it be okay if I wear some clear nail polish on my fingernails?”

“Yes, you can. You do realize Tami and April might be looking for some signs of Jessie.”

“Mom, they don’t even know that Jessie exists yet.”

Mom asked, “You don’t think so? ...I suspect, they are probably pretty sure there is something behind you having girls’ earrings.” I hadn’t thought that through. If they had it was kind of neat that they seemed to accept that possibility.

After breakfast, I asked permission from Rachel to use her clear polish. She voiced the idea for me to use the bathroom and run the exhaust fan when I polished my nails. “Either use the flat or semi-gloss polish. The clear polish with a pink tint will give your nails a healthy look.”

The pink tint was very lite and I liked the look Rachel mentioned. There was the smell of newly painted nails and even with the medium gloss, one could tell a little that my nails had been done. Most of the morning at school, I did what I could to keep my fingers out of sight.

My friends Cade and Derek gave me a hard time for being around Tami and April too much. “You’re clean, neat and even smell a little like them. I can’t believe you are even wearing those girly earrings for them.”

I said, “You’re jealous. I’m hoping to dance with Tami at the dance, Friday. Tell me you wouldn’t like to be dancing with her.”

They were not very happy when I went to sit with Tami and her friends at lunch. Tami passed me a disturbing note, “Nice undershirt, we call them camis.”

I wrote and slipped the note back, “You can’t see it, what makes you guess that?” The note kept passing.

“You’re not wearing your regular undershirt. April agrees with me it’s the outline of a cami. Don’t worry, unless someone is seriously looking I don’t think they would notice. But I would like that you’d admit it to me.”

I tore the note and stuffed it in my pocket. I looked at Tami and whispered, “Yes.”

Tami was amused that my Mom was forcing me to wear two sets of earrings until both holes healed.

I did get hassled several times during the day about my earrings. By the end of the school day, I was watching my back as if I had been shoved or bumped a few times. I heard some guys trying to give me grief, but did not respond.

Tami suggested I tell the principal or teachers, but a guy doesn’t do that.

Mom had to take off of work to take me to my appointment with Dr. Hunt. We should have come earlier because Mom had quite a few sheets of paper to fill out and I think I had as many or more. I went back to the receptionist: “These things I write, do all of you read it, or just Dr. Hunt?”

She said, “Don’t worry it is usually only the doctor and those responsible for the records.” Mom said I didn’t have to write much as I would get to say more to Dr. Hunt.

While we were done well after the appointment was to start, we still had to wait before I was asked by Dr. Hunt to come back and visit with her. “It is good to see you again Jeff.”

We had probably talked at least a half-hour about me, my family, and school before she asked anything about Jessie. “Have you had any more occasions of being Jessie or wearing girl stuff?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

She said, “Yes?”

“Dr. Beth my friend Tami said, she could tell I was wearing a girl’s cami at school today.”

“Are you asking me if I can tell if you are?” She pauses, but I don’t know what to say. “It appears that you are wearing a wide strap cami. How often do you wear girls’ clothes under your other clothes?”

I say, “When I put on my underclothes, I made sure no one could see them. So how did you and Tami know I was wearing them?”

Dr. Beth asks, “Can you ever tell if a girl is wearing a bra without actually seeing it?”

I said, “Yes, I can often see the outline of a bra, but they’re bulkier than a cami.”

Dr. Beth has just the slightest smile as she says, “Yes, the outline of your cami is much more subtle. If Tami was intentionally looking to see any sign of a girl who might wear those earrings, she might have seen the cami. …Were you sad or glad that she figured it out?”

“Why would I possibly be glad she could see it?”

Dr. Beth asked me, “You tell me, why you might be glad?”

I paused hoping we were near the end of the visit and I wouldn’t have to answer. She just remained quiet. Finally, I gave up and said, “Because if she knew, she didn't laugh at me… maybe she could be Jessie’s friend.”

She asked very calmly, “Would Jessie like to have her as a friend?”

I said, “Yes, but I was hoping she would be more Jeff’s friend.”

She says, “Maybe she sees Jeff and Jesse as the same. Have you ever had moments Jeff and Jesse want the same thing, but might not want to share?”

“Well, Jeff and Jessie are both me; it’s not like I’m two people. But it’s like for a long time, only I knew Jessie was me. Now it is like people are interested in Jessie and not noticing me as Jeff.”

“Then why did you polish your fingernails and wear a cami, if you only wanted Jeff to be noticed?

I said, “I didn’t think people would see that stuff, but I kinda wanted a sign that Jessie is still there.”

“This is a personal question and you don’t have to answer it, but are you wearing Rachel’s panties as well? And did you think girls wouldn’t see your nail polish just because it is clear?”

“I’m wearing a panty but it’s not Rachel’s, they’re mine. I guess Mom and Rachel said it was possible someone could tell, but I kept them hidden most of the time.”

Dr. Hunt checked her watch or something before she asked, “On a scale of one to ten how much do you like being Jessie? With ten being the high…”

“I guess I like being Jessie a lot sometimes, maybe an eight, but I like being Jeff even more. I am all Jeff and a boy.”

Dr. Beth says, “Today’s session was very helpful for the first time. I would like to see you next week and each week for a month before we move to every other or the third week. If you would like to come dressed as Jessie sometimes we can schedule an appointment for 6:00 p.m. on a Wednesday. Next week’s appointment will again be on Tuesday unless you’d like to already come as Jesse.”

“Next Tuesday would be fine.” Dr. Beth met with my Mom for only ten-fifteen minutes. Mom and I were both pleased with our visits.

Mom stopped at a department store, “Jeff, I’d like to get you another set of earrings for you.” Since I already had a clear stone I got a black zirconia stone this time. I found myself once again wishing guys’ stuff had more choices. Mom needed to look for a few things she needed which gave me a chance to linger in the woman’s section.

Mom was looking for a nice blouse-skirt outfit that was festive enough for Easter as well as worn throughout the spring. An embroidered peasant blouse caught my eye. It was white with lavender needlework. A voice behind me said, “That is very cute, one could wear it with a variety of skirts, jeans, or dressy slacks.” I turned hoping whoever it was, was talking to someone else.

Instead, I hear, “Oh, you are Jeff, Rachel’s younger brother. I’m Suzie, I am in the high school choir and I have many of the same classes as her. Did she tell you that many of us were impressed by you speaking up for Dan Smothers?” She lowered her voice, “I don’t mean to offend you, but I could let you use the first dressing room if you are interested in seeing how it looks on you.”

I was ready to ask, ‘Why would you suggest that?’ But I guessed she could see the outline of the cami.

I said, “I think it’s cute and that my sister has a coral one like it.” My Mom walked over so I asked Suzie there, “Mom doesn’t Rachel have a blouse like this, either coral or peach?”

“Hi, Suzie,” Mom acknowledged Suzie’s presence. “Yes she does, but that would be a nice addition to a young woman’s wardrobe.” Mom lifts it to look at it and casually holds it up between her and me. “Did I hear she offered you a chance to try it on?”

Mom looked to Suzie, “Can I ask confidentially how many might surmise he’d wear such a top?”

Suzie stepped closer to keep the conversation private. “I don’t know of any. I overheard Jenny Johnson say to her sister that Jeff was sensitive much like Danny. And now he appears to be wearing a cami underneath his shirt. And your son is looking around more intently than the average guy. Working here, I guess I’ve become tuned to guys looking for a gift or possibly looking for themselves. I told him, I didn’t mean anything offensive.”

Suzie asks, “Now, can I confide in you? My younger brother was switched to a parochial school thinking he’d be safer there. It appears that people there just cloak their prejudice differently. I think, Jeff did Danny and others a service meeting it head-on in front of others.” We three talked for a while.

Mom had three pieces of clothing she wanted to try on before she bought them. The store was currently light on shoppers. Mom said to me, “If you think you’d like it. You need to try it on and see how it fits and looks on you.”

Suzie said, “Let me carry it over there. If and when you’re ready to try it on, I’ll hand it to you.” Mom was changing into a complete outfit and was now out to check it in the mirrors.

Mom soon said, “There is no one around so please step out and let me see the blouse on you.” I was scared, but I did step out. I wasn’t wanting Suzie to be there, but she could have been my sister for how nice she was. Mom said, “Your sister could even borrow that from you if she has something to wear under it or wanted an oversized look.”

Suzie was complimentary, “Jeff, I can even see your resemblance to your Mom; she's very attractive.” Mom and I both said, “Thank you.”

After mom changed and came back out, she was told, “Mrs. Preston if you get the blouse and all of your items. It would qualify you for the twenty-five percent discount.”

Mom asked me to show Suzie panties that were extra nice, I owed some to my sister. But Mom bought size five which was what I wore because my hips were smaller. I finally complained, “Mom, you can’t continue buying Jessie clothes.”

Mom said, “It was you who picked out what I’m buying for you.”

Suzie said, “I like the name Jessie for you, somehow I think it fits for you and your age.” She asks, “Do either of you have Pink Sugar as a perfume?”

I admitted, “Rachel put a little of Margaret’s on me once, I didn’t want to try it but it is nice.”

“This is a .25 oz. gift sample for you to enjoy.”

“What do you say, young lady?” Without thought, there was Jessie’s voice saying, ‘Thank you.’

Mom said, “We better hurry and get out of here before Jessie shows up anymore.”

We were walking away, when Suzie said, “It was nice to meet you, Jessie. I hope to get to see you sometime.”

Mom was trying to make small talk as we headed home. “So do you have any thoughts on what I bought for myself?”

“I thought the skirt and blouse look very nice. I thought it is a very nice look for you, Mom. I think the slacks will also go well with the blouse. It will go nicely with some of the spring sweaters I saw you getting out.”

Mom asked, “Would you mind if I taught you how to wash and care for sweaters and delicates? Your peasant blouse would even fare better if you lightly washed it in a sink.”

“How girly are you wanting to get me,” I asked?

Mom said, “Even if you were to go back totally to being Jeff; it wouldn’t hurt you to know how to do it. It would have been a help and saved some grief if your Dad knew how when I was sick or pregnant with you.” She paused, “Have you ever had some of your finer clothes ruined in the wash?”

I sighed, “Yes, the time I tried to wash all of my clothes together, without your knowledge.”

Mom smiled as she seemed to remember the incident. “Then you have an idea of how I felt when your father ruined two loads of my clothing. He said he was sorry, I lost even more clothes than he owned up to.”

We pulled into the driveway, and Mom said, “You don’t need to remind your father of that time. I shared it, only so you’d remember the importance of proper care for clothes.”

Rachel was quick to go through the shopping bags while asking me, “How did your doctor’s appointment go? ...Mom, Dad ordered pizza for tonight.” Rachel lifts out my blouse, “It looks like Mom treated you as well as herself. Did you help her pick out any of her clothes? Look Pink Sugar, is this mine?”

“You know better, you just want me to acknowledge it is mine. Oh, you should know Suzie Hammonds knows about me as Jessie?”

Rachel hugged me and then pulled me to her room. “How did that come about? Was she nice about it?”

I told her, “I guess several girls today recognized I was wearing my cami under my shirt?”

Sis says, “I was going to tell you about that. But I went to use the… Well when I got out and searched for you, you had already left and were off our block. If you remember I was going to stop to give you a ride, but you waved me to keep going.

She wanted to keep talking while wanting me to model my blouse for her. I told her, “Mom was shopping for her clothes when Suzie noticed I was eyeing this blouse. I think from behind she thought I might be a girl. When I turned around she recognized me as your little brother. It was then she knew I was wearing a cami. …To answer how she treated me, she was nice; it was like having another sister like you. Did you know her youngest brother switched schools because he was being picked on? She indicated the move just changed the finesse with which he’s been bullied.”

Rachel said, “She’s stayed away from talking about her brother at his new school. I guess she’s fairly sensitive about him. You said she was like a sister, a sister can be bossy as you know.”

I commented, “Like you, she was very nice to me. Besides the sample of Pink Sugar, she allowed me to try the blouse in the women’s changing rooms. I am surprised how girls who have come to know about this side of me, have been nice to me.”

Rach shares, “That’s good, I think even if a girl differs with the idea, there’s more of a desire to be open. It would be a rare girl who would want to risk being the reason someone would get rough with you. Boys can be rough enough relating to a girl.”

Rachel asked, “If you have any homework why don’t you get it and do it in my room?” She asked me if it was okay to spray the Pink Sugar in the air. I said yes and we both enjoyed it as we did our homework until the pizza showed up. I put my shirt back on to eat pizza.

Dad wanted to know what Dr. Hunt said about who I am. I was glad Mom told him it would be a few appointments before she would even consider any diagnosis. “The important thing at this point, is she and Jeff seem to be comfortable with each other.”

Dad asked me, “Why did you go with Rachel into her room?”

“Dad, she was the first to ask me about my appointment.”

He said, “I thought you might have gotten something new to show her. Not that you don’t have more than enough girl stuff already.”

“Dad, it wasn’t planned but Mom did get me a blouse when Mom was shopping for herself.”

Dad was a little bit accusatory, “If that’s the case and you showed it to her; why didn’t you wear it out here?”

Mom huffed, but I was the one who answered him. “Because we’re eating pizza and I didn’t want to get a stain on the blouse. If that is not enough, I’m not into mixing the look of Jessie and Jeff.”

Mom said, “Jeff told me he already had enough girl stuff, but I could tell he liked it. It would be a pretty blouse for Jessie, so I decided to buy it for her. If you have a problem with it, it is with me. I also bought a second pair of earrings those were for Jeff, not Jessie.”

I finished my homework up in my room. It was eight-thirty when I received a call from Tami. She said, “For such a sensitive boy you have a lot of courage wearing those earrings and a cami. I was disappointed you had to leave school early. I wanted to find out how pretty your cami was. It looked like it had some pretty lace edging along the straps. I get goosebumps thinking of how pretty you are in your own way. I hope you don’t mind if I think you are pretty as well as brave?”

I said, “One doesn’t usually hear those terms together unless it is about a heroine.”

We visited longer, part of it was about her math homework and problems she had difficulty with.

Wednesday morning, Mom said, “I see Jeff is back your hair hasn’t been brushed well and you didn’t take care of your skin last night or this morning. I had hoped you’d realize that it is okay for a boy to take pride in his appearance.” I did take note of what she said and confirmed it to be true by looking in the mirror. Apart from pushing a comb through my hair a few times, little got to change.

I met and walked with Tami and April two blocks from my house. My friend Luke decided for the first time in a long time to walk with us. He was more neatly and better dressed than I was. That was a change and made me think about what my Mom had said.

Before we went to our different classes Luke asked, “Could I sit with you guys at lunch?” The truth was Luke was interested in Monica but was afraid to show it. April’s responded, “Yea, just don’t bring any other friends or we’ll throw you back. And I mean it!”

It was funny, come lunchtime, April made sure Luke and I were not sitting next to each other. “You guys don’t usually talk much unless it's sports. We don’t talk much about sports at this table.” ‘Um, hum’ was heard several places around the table.

Monica flirted a little with Luke, “We did notice Luke that you are more neatly dressed this morning. Even more so than Jeff, though he combed his hair since getting to school.” I was glad somebody noticed though I don’t particularly like Monica.

We had two quizzes that I did better than usual. Several guys asked me after lunch, “What are Luke and you doing so the girls let you sit with them?” One guy Max said, “I have a hairbrush do you think you could show me how to get mine to look better?”

We still had ten minutes of recess before classes started in the afternoon. Initially, it felt a little awkward helping Max. We were in the boys’ room and Max wasn’t getting it until I took his brush and brushed out the different sections. I said, "First brush it this way and then lift the brush as you go back. It gives the appearance of having more body to it.” He did the last few brush strokes and I told him it was looking good.

I was taken back, by the way, he said ‘thanks’ and ‘do you think so.’ I'm sure there was nothing to it, but somehow I like that he noticed and commented. He’s a very good basketball player, so I liked it when he said, “Come over and shoot some baskets with me sometime.”

After school, I was looking for Max, but Tami found me first and we walked to her house. When it was just her and me, she asked, “What happened, your hair was just so, so today. I see you have a different set of earrings and I don’t see any glow to your smile. I missed that.”

“Yea, I didn’t take my time this morning. I missed it too.”

Tami said, “Before I go to change and we do our homework, would you mind if I used something on your face for your complexion?”

I was stunned a bit and didn’t want to be ‘girlified’, “I’m not wearing any makeup here.”

Tami was amused, “Not that, it’s just a moisturizing skin cream. You won’t see it minutes after I use it. Just lift your head and face me for a minute.” She showed me a small dot of cream on her finger and said, “See how little I use, but your complexion will be much better.”

Tami was just finishing when her sister Jennifer came home and through the door. “Well, little sis are you getting him groomed the way you want?”

I giggle, “Something like that I think.”

Jenny says, “Just remember he’s not one of your girlfriends.”

Tami heatedly said, “Just mind your own business and leave us alone.” She turned to me saying, “I’m done but let it be until I come back down it should be all absorbed by that time.”

I was home by 5:30 p.m., a little before my Mom. There were some instructions to prepare a salad and some potatoes for dinner as well as to empty the dishwasher and set the table. Rachel was finishing up the last two and Rob was already out of the house. Rachel tied an apron on me to do the potatoes and then the salad.

I was done with the potatoes and had them in a pot to boil when Mom came home. Mom was soon in the kitchen getting the dinner started. “Jeff, you’re looking different from this morning what happened?”

I honestly didn’t know till Rachel came into the kitchen and spoke. “He brushed out his hair better and it appears he used a moisturizer, but that was done before he got home.”

Mom asked, “So did you go back over to Tami’s to do your homework? Did it take a girl to get you to take care of yourself?”

“She said I looked drab when I don’t take care of myself. She wants to be to look sharp if we’re going to dance on Friday.”

“You know I don’t want you dating,” Mom says.

“We’re not dating, we’re just planning to dance and be together part of the time.”

Mom asks, “Do you have any guy news?”

“Mom dancing with Tami is guy news. Besides that Max Coulter asked me to come over sometime to shoot baskets. He’s a good basketball player; I don’t know why he asked me but it’s good.”

Mom hugs me. “I appreciate you helping around the house. It is like pulling teeth to get Rob to help. It is good that you’re working with someone to do your homework. Shooting baskets are not high on my list, but you could use an active friend like that.”

Thursday was much of the same and Friday started that way except Max was frustrated again. Luckily his hair was not so messy and it took a short time to help him. I asked, “So do you have your eye on some girl for the dance or just whoever comes your way?”

Max said, “Yeah something like that. I was wondering about tomorrow around ten if you’d come over and shoot some baskets with me?”

I told him, “Sounds like a good idea, it might even get me out of a chore or two.” He encouraged me not to forget and said thanks for helping him. It’s going to be nice having him as a friend.

Being a junior high dance it would begin at 7:00 and it’s to be over by 8:30 but usually lasts close to 9:00 p.m. The time is like a relic of when Junior High students didn’t do much and their parents had a shorter leash on them. I was glad Mom and Dad knew I’d be dancing a lot with Tami. Officially not a date, but Mom knows I’m serious about her. Mom noticed Jessie’s earrings. She unbuttoned the second and third buttons of my shirt to discover a tank top I borrowed from Rachel. All she said was, “Do you think that is wise?”

When I told her, “Tami’s into my sensitive side. And I’m keeping the second and third buttons done up; she probably won’t even notice.” Mom seemed comfortable with that. Rachel was nice enough to drive me to the school. Mom or dad would pick me up if I didn’t get a ride or walk home.

I thought the dance was going to start rough for me as two guys decided to block my way in the hall. I waited for a moment before trying to go through. Madden, a friend, and teammate of Max’s told the guys to leave me alone. Luke also stepped over to me and that was enough to get me through without an incident.

It was nice to have a few early dances with Tami. It is nice on the ego to dance with someone so attractive and popular. It is fun being with a group though I’m mostly focusing on Tami and just listening. I lean into Tami and ask about the fragrance she’s wearing. “A&F 8, what do you like about it?”

I say, “It is strong enough that I notice it but it is not overpowering. It has a fresh fruity and floral fragrance.”

Tami asks, “Can you really tell that or did you read that somewhere?”

We were interrupted as Margaret came over and ask me for a dance. “So is my neighbor tied exclusively with one girl now or can you dance with me?”

“I’m free to dance,” I look at Tami as I say it.

Margaret turned to Tami with a giggle, “I’ll return him soon.”

Tami responded, “I can’t date anyway my parents wouldn’t let me. We’re just close friends getting to know each other.”

Margaret and Jeff begin to dance as Margaret says, “I like the bangles Jeff, I thought with Jessie’s influence you would be into more bling and sparkle of prettier jewelry.

“You’re right regarding Jessie but we’re not totally the same. It is a lot more fun for me to be dancing with you than it would be for Jessie.”

“I’m glad you’re here Jeff, I apologize. But Jessie’s real isn’t she?”

“She’s probably me, yet different.” Margaret kissed me on the cheek, “Does Tami know yet?”

I was honest, “You know, I’m not sure, but like with you, I think we’re friends.” April broke in as the dance music quickly changed. It was a faster song and dance. April told me, “Tami wants to talk to you alone. She’s already gone out so Monica won’t see you going out together.” We stop dancing before the song is over as Monica’s still dancing.

I found Tami near where we usually went before school. The last three steps, she opened her arms kissed me, and we hugged. “I wanted to tell you how much I like you.” I thought she did well. “I need to know more about your tender side. Jenny says there is likely to be more to you. Do you like me?”

“You're pretty Tami, and I love being your friend. We’re merely thirteen and I’m not ready to say more than that.”

She smiles, “Me too, but I would like to know if there is more to you. Please trust me, I like you too much to hurt you.” She slides her hand over my shoulder; I’m guessing she knows I have a sleeveless top on.

I begin to look down but she taps my face up to look up. She says, “Trust me that I can be as caring as you.”

“Yes, I’ve been trying to stuff it and deny it but I guess this sensitive side as you’ve called it is bigger or stronger. I’m mostly Jeff but there’s part of me who wants to be more like you and have girls as friends.”

Tami smiles, “Would you trust me enough to kiss me…” I start to move forward, and Tami stops me, “…would you kiss me with lipstick on, I want to be your girlfriend too.” I take half a step back to ponder what she’s saying, and then smile as Tami holds up a stick of lip gloss. It is way too tempting, I take the lip-gloss, look around, and lightly do my lips. We both paused to let it set before we kissed. This kiss was warm and more passionate. I felt a little guilty but not enough to stop. After the kiss, we hugged and I kissed her ear. “Ou, I liked that I thank you.”

She gave me a makeup cloth to use before we went back in. I remembered her ear as she used a tissue to clean around but not her lips. “Can I see the top you’re wearing before we go back in?”

“How about I walk you home? Maybe I can show you before we get to your door.” Tami needed to text April. April walked with us to her house. But before April was out of the school, I asked, “Does or will April know too?”

“She’s my best friend,” Tami said, lowering her head. We were half a block from April’s house and near a bright street light.

I turn to the two of them, “April can I share something with you as well as Tami? You’re her best friend.”

April shook her head and said, “You know you can.” I unbuttoned the front of my shirt, my sister’s top was a pastel pink that showed up well in the light. “Is that enough for now?”

Tami gave me a big hug, and April said, "We should be the Three Amigos.”

I asked, “Even when I’m a bit girly?”

April said, “Especially then, you have the understanding and can go shopping. But we like the guy Jeff as well.” April turned to Tami, “Before I go in can you tell me if she kissed you?” Tami took out her lip gloss and put it in my hand. I thought she meant for me to put it on.

“Both of them have warm tender lips, but hers were creamy.” Tami hugged me and whispered, “The lip gloss is for you, you’re special.” When I turned around April was waving and going up to her house. When we got to Tami’s house, she whispered, “Remember we’re not dating. A warm hug would be nice.” We hugged and as she got to her door and went in I jumped and twirled. I couldn’t have imagined a better scenario for the night.

It wasn’t quite nine o’clock when I walked into my house and leaned against the door as I closed it. I heard Mom, “We didn’t expect you home quite yet, but it looks like you had a very good time.”

“Mom, would I hurt Dad’s feelings if I wanted to talk only to you?” She sat down and patted the seat next to her.

She said, “I see you showed your colors to someone. Since you’re happy, I gather it went well. Please tell me whatever you want.”

“Mom, I couldn’t have asked for more, Tami and her best friend April even like my girl side. She likes me, Jeff, too.”

Mom holds me, “Tell me what you'd like.” I start to unbutton my shirt but stopped. Mom said, “That would be fine, the color is nice on you. Tami must be a very special girl to like a special person like you.”

Mom then became quiet, at first I wondered why. Then I knew she wanted me to talk, saying whatever I wanted. “Jeff and Jessie can acknowledge one another. I’m not comfortable yelling that out loud, but it is nice to be able to talk with you and accept me for me now.” I mentioned Max inviting me over for basketball. “It feels good to be Jeff and have a new friend.”

When I took a shower to go to bed, I did my Jessie regiment of shaving my legs, shampooing, and conditioning my hair. I wore one of my girly robes. I even moisturized my face. It was a while before I quit dreaming while I was still awake lying on my bed.

I was up early enough to do two chores and get a good breakfast with Mom. She made eggs, and bacon and gave me a small bowl of berries and cream. I brushed out my hair and then messed it up a little. My jeans, shirt, and cross-trainers were right for the day.

I wondered how many would be over at Max’s. I was the first to show up. Max said he wanted to help me to play and shoot baskets better before we invited others over. It was neat, Max and I were out on the half-court in front of his garage for a good hour and a half. He did help me to dribble and shoot the ball better. Most guys just want to show off to one another. I wasn’t good and Max was having fun helping me. Several times I ran into him just out of frustration, trying to get around him or get a good shot was difficult. He’d just wrap his arms around me and would tell me to try again.

Once as I ran into him I noticed I had become excited, not the regular basketball excited. Max had hugged me again and I was now afraid to turn around. I yelled, “I got to pee!” and ran into his house to a toilet.

We ate lunch and watched the last of a college playoff basketball game. We sat on the sofa together watching the game like we were best friends. I liked the feeling of having a close friend. Max leaned over to wrestle with me when I rooted against his team. This time we both got a bit excited and quit wrestling then.

When the game was over I suggested I needed to leave, but his mother told him to show me his room first. He showed me his room and played some music. He had posters of three girls and someone who was a model. Andreja Pejic was the model and I wasn’t sure if it was he or she, but I kind of liked that. The ones I knew were girls were Emily Rios, Ellen Page, and Vicky Beeching. Max was playing a Christian song and it was Vicky singing. I had heard her before and I knew she was popular. Not being very churchy, I didn’t know much more. I had no problem seeing why he liked to look at any of them.

Max seemed like he wanted to talk, but then he would say something else, not what he wanted. I realized again I was having feelings for him again. But they were like feelings Jessie might have and I became uncomfortable. I quietly tried to tell myself to stop.

I told Max, “I better be getting home, but I want to thank you a lot for having me over and helping me with basketball. I’m better but still not much in comparison to you. But I’d like to come back if it would be okay.”

Max smiled and hugged me, “Hey you’re a good friend to have. I haven’t learned much about you, I’m sorry it was all my stuff this time.” I was nervously getting excited and was praying he didn’t notice. As I tried pulling myself away and fixing myself, Max noticed, “That’s kind of embarrassing when it happens, but it does.”

I needed to say thanks and goodbye to his mother as well. As I walked home, I knew I had messed myself up. Not bad enough, Mom was home and in the kitchen. I ran through and up the stairs, saying hello as I went racing through. Mom called me but I acted like I didn’t hear her and got to my room. Maybe I should have run to the bathroom but I needed a change of clothes. And now Mom was coming upstairs.

“Mom, I’m alright but I want to be alone.”

She asked, “Did something happen I need to know about? Are you hurt?”

I shouldn’t have paused as I did in saying no. She said, “Sorry, but something happened. I’m worried about you and I’m coming in.”

I started crying as mom came over, hugged me, and said, “Tell me what’s up?”

I didn’t want to say anything but she was quiet and waited me out. “Mom, it’s just that I had felt I shouldn’t have. It was like Jessie had feelings for Max. It happened several times but I got control of myself. Max and I had a great time, I didn’t mean to have those feelings I know it was wrong, but it didn’t feel…” I clammed up, I couldn’t tell my Mom.

I hear my Mom realize what I was trying to say, “Oh.” There was silence and then Mom in a calm voice said, “You said the feelings were wrong but did they feel bad or good?” I was afraid to answer. Mom thought and then said, “You said, Jessie had feelings for Max, were they like feelings a girl might have for a boy?”

“Mom, I shouldn’t have those feelings, it’s not right.” Mom took me in her arms and held me as I cried. “I’m not Dr. Hunt, but if part of you feels things as Jessie, we might need to accept they could be natural and good feelings for you.”

“But Mom, I was there as Jeff and he was just being my friend. I don’t care what you say, I shouldn’t have those feelings like he’s a hunk.” Instead of pushing away, I snuggle more. I’m weepy no longer crying. I can’t believe what I just said, ‘Now Mom’s going to know I’m sick.’

Mom says, “You might not want to hear this, but your hormones are just clicking in. From experience, I know boys have those experiences. If I were you I wouldn’t rush to any conclusions.”

Mom takes a brush and starts brushing my hair. “I want Jessie to tell me why you think he’s a hunk?”

“Mom?” I find myself giving in and Jessie is willing to talk. “Well, he’s bigger and stronger than I am. He’s an eighth-grader and athletic. I’m sure a girl would see him as very attractive. I didn’t dare look in his eyes much. He’s a strong but sensitive guy. We kind of wrestled once and I bumped into him several times when I got frustrated trying to play against him. But he was good to me and helped me to play better.”

When I was finished talking, all Mom said was, “Yes, I can see he’s a nice friend to have. You can tell Dr. Hunt, but as a friend, I think he’s a keeper…

To be continued…