By Jessica C

Things started with Jeff turning 13 years old, dressing in his sister’s clothes and makeup; he didn’t expect to be caught… The discovery of him cross-dressing begins the blossoming of Jessie... Jeff now accepting Jessie is really him, others have trouble accepting Jeff and Jessie co-exist… Mom and Dr. Hunt support Jessie/Jeff in discovering what is true for Je...

Jeff had a good time at Grandma Stephens’ even going to church the following day as Jeff. He watched some baseball with his Grandfather, even had fun in his woodshop. The best thing was now having Darby as a special friend. It wasn’t the same as his friendship with Tami. He was comfortable just being a friend with Darby. A girl who knew and could talk to Jessie whether she was dressed as such or not.

Darby might have liked Jessie or Jeff more except her brother likes Jessie too. She sees that as a conflict she does not want.

School the next two days was fine and Jeff was back into his routine. His Mom even allowed him to go to Tami’s for their study time together. Jeff isn’t to change into one of Jennifer’s old blouses and skirts, but Tuesday he did. It wasn’t his idea, but Tami’s sister Jennifer. Jeff didn’t ask for Jennifer to make up his face, but he didn’t complain either. This time it was the tell-tale signs of blush they missed that gave him away at home.

Today he’s to get out of school at 11:30 for his appointment with Dr. Kim Stoults but it would be different there. He would appear as Jeff at the women’s clinic. Once there, one woman talks to his Mom, “I would be too embarrassed to bring one of my boys here when I had my appointment. Then again, I commend you, your son is well behaved.”

Luckily my appointment is for when the other patients are finished seeing the doctors for the morning. I’m caught off guard by several of the clients coming out of their appointments. I'm looking at Cosmopolitan and Teen Girl as they come out. One person coming out is a high school girl. She gives me a second look when the nurse called us back, “Jeff, the doctor will see you now.”

With a sweatshirt on, things were not noticeable.

During my exam, the eyes of Dr. Stoults gives it away that my nipples and puffiness around them are not normal for a boy. Dr. Stoults is straightforward in asking, “Jeff, it appears you have been taking other medication. What have you been taking? Mrs. Preston, have you been allowing him to take something?”

Caught off guard, Mom is the first to answer, “No!” I also say, ‘No’, but with hesitation.

Dr. Kim speaks as I’m worried that she doesn’t believe me. “Relax Jeff, I apologize, but I thought professionally I at least needed to challenge you, in case I could be wrong. Your blood tests that came back from the last time show you are mildly weak in producing testosterone and your body produces slightly more of the female hormones on its own for a normal teenage boy your age. While it is unusual for a teenage boy to develop breasts for a short time because of a hormonal imbalance. It happens to more males sometime in their life and more often with teenage boys than any other time.”

“We have had you on the change of medicines long enough to know your body will not adversely react to it if we implement a program of it this summer. That will be for you and your parents to decide along with consulting Dr. Hunt.”

She asks, “Do you have a better idea from your time away, about what you’d like to do?”

I look to Mom as we had talked about it last night. I say, “We’re thinking if everything remains the same, I want to start being Jessie full-time.” Mom speaks up, “We haven’t talked to Dr. Hunt yet, but I think it will include when Jessica goes to school as an eighth-grader. If you are comfortable with her, she’d like you to be her doctor.”

I say, “Dr. Kim is there a way I can continue as Jeff as well? I know I can’t have surgery until I’m eighteen and I feel like I’m Jeff as well as Jessie.”

Dr. Kim says, “You're right that the surgery to help you become more fully female will need to wait until you’re eighteen. Regarding my being your doctor, I will be pleased to. I'll understand if you change to a doctor specializing in this type of change.”

I told my Mom about a blouse I had seen while Grandma shopped with Darby for her birthday. The store isn’t out of our way and if we eat, I’d be getting back to school too late to mean much. Mom says, “Remember you’re still grounded through the weekend. And I’m not real comfortable about more people knowing about you yet.”

Mom knows the store saying she helps her mom shop there at Christmas time for her nieces. I joked, “I don’t remember Grandma getting me anything from here.”

We’re soon in the store and the young woman who served Darby is the only salesperson there. We walk over to the rack of light sweater blouses. I have my Mom pull out a pretty pink one that I like. Mom whispers, “All the skirts you have that would go with this are for winter weather. You’d need something to wear with it for spring and cool summer evenings.”

The saleswoman is some distance away as she says, “We have some pretty spring skirts over here and you’d be welcome to use the changing room.” Mom looks up and says, “Thank you, but I wasn’t going to buy anything today. If we get the sweater, a skirt will also be needed. You know how that is.”

“May I introduce myself, I’m Patti and if you would change your mind, I could offer you a fifteen percent discount on both or all items. May I ask, ‘Are you a tomboy or…” her voice fades away.

Mom looks to me to speak or not. I am not sure what to do, except if I speak up, I’m thinking Mom might buy me the sweater and a skirt. It would be my first lightweight girl’s sweater. Unintentionally I whisper, “I’m TG.” Mom urges me to speak up and tell her my name. “I’m transgender and my name is Jessie. If we’re alone I’d like to find a skirt and try things on.”

Patti says, “We have that time up to school letting out.” There is no shortage of skirts that could work with the blouse. I pick a bright green and another light blue and white skirt. I am walking to the changing room when my Mom hands me a white blouse and the same sweater a size larger.

She says, “This type of sweater is often worn with a blouse underneath it. Try it both ways.”

I go into the changing room dressed as Jeff, but feeling like I'm a very lucky girl. I hear Mom and Patti talking. “She is very fortunate to have a mom like you. We occasionally have boys like him come into the store cowering about what he’d like to do. I don’t like second-guessing parents but it saddens my heart to see a boy so driven while feeling so afraid or ashamed.” It does remind me how lucky I probably am.

Mom handed me a small pouch with a panty and feminine shield before I went into the changing room. I’m sure it is regularly for her or Rachel. I’m thankful for it but I now wish I had a bra as well. I like the blouse with the sweater, but I like the plain sweater even more. The skirts are a toss-up so I wear the sweater and the blue and white skirt first. I go out to show Mom and Patti. I have two small buds where my nipples are. Patti smiles and I become comfortable.

I change to the green skirt and it becomes obvious that the first skirt looks better on me as part of the outfit. I am glad when Mom decides she’ll buy me the skirt, blouse, and sweater. I change back to Jeff and as we’re checking out I see Mom’s buying a white sweater with a peach satin blouse. Mom says, “Patti and I decided the skirt needs another combination.”

We stopover at Grandma Stephens’ as Mom wants to visit. I’m also to show her my new outfit. Thankfully I search through the clothes Rachel has left there. I found a pretty bra and some shoes that I change into along with the outfit. Coming back out to Grandma, I pass by Grandpa shaking his head. “Jeff, I see more of Jessie each time you’re here.”

“Are you mad at me for that Grandpa,” I ask?

He says, “Just don’t want to see you as only being Grandma’s child. I might not take you shopping but there are other things we can do together.”

I give him a hug and a kiss. He says, “I take that to mean you agree with me. Now go show off your pretty outfit to Grandma.”

As I get to the dining room where they are, there’s a knock and I know it is Darby coming in by her voice. It’s too late to hide by the time I see her Mom is with her. Darby’s wide eyes tell me she is surprised. “Jessie/Jeff, I didn’t expect you to be here.”

Mrs. Jacobs says, “I apologize for interrupting you when you have guests. We just wanted to come over and show off Darby’s outfit and give you this ‘Thank you’.” Grandma welcomes them in, puts on the tea and we all sit around the dining room table.

Mrs. Jacobs says, “I also want to thank you, Grandma, for helping Darby to learn to bake. Everyone at our house is glad she’s becoming a good baker. And I take it, this the Granddaughter Jessie I’ve been hearing about. I don’t quite understand but I can see why Matt as well as Darby like her so much.”

Mom murmurs, “What are you hearing about Jessie?” I’m not sure if Mom really meant to say that and be heard.

“I’m Annette Jacobs, Darby and Matt’s mother. I’ve been hearing of Grandma’s grandchildren. Recently I’ve heard about Jessie and I had heard of Jeff and something told me they were unusually related. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m seeing Jessie without her makeup yet a beautiful complexion.”

Mom says, “Yes, Jeff’s my third child and is now wrestling with who he/she is. Dressed up as she is we usually call her Jessie, either way, a pretty neat person? We just stopped by my Mom’s on our way home.”

Mrs. Jacobs says, “I see. Jessie, can I ask if you picked out this cute outfit or your mother?”

Darby interrupts, “Mom she has a pretty good eye for fashion, don’t be surprised if she did.”

I say, “Yes Mrs. Jacobs, I saw the sweater yesterday and showed it to my Mom today. She bought both the sweater and skirt.” I could tell Mrs. Jacobs was wondering about my wearing a bra, but I change the subject. “Darby, your outfit even looks better with your hair and makeup like they are today.”

It is nice to be back at school being Jeff while daydreaming about being Jessie. Today, Luke joked about me becoming too girly again. I finally had the courage to say, “So, what would you say if I actually became a girl?”

Luke quietly stared at me; Andy, a friend nearby also gave his attention. Finally, Luke says, “Are you serious or just jerking me around? Tell me you’re not queer?”

“No, I’m not a homosexual, but what if I were or if I see myself as a girl?”

Andy’s comment surprised me, “Being a girl, wouldn’t make him gay, it would mean he sees himself as transgender or a cross-dresser.”

I ask Andy, “How do you know that?”

“I’ve been noticing you, and I went online. You don’t notice me much but I’m more of a friend than you know.”

I feel both happy and angry. I’m not wanting to get into a conversation there, nor do I want to ignore it.

Luke says, “Eew, is that true? It was sick enough that you’d act like a girl for Tami.”

Andy asks, “Do you see yourself just wanting to dress like a girl or wanting to be one?”

“I didn’t admit to either,” I said.

Luke begins to walk away, Andy says to Luke, “What kind of friend are you?” He turns to me, “He’s probably wondering if he ever really knew you? I kind of wonder that, but I’m not walking away. I always wanted to be more of a friend. I’m sorry if I spoke up when I shouldn’t have.”

I say, “Since I’ve become close to Tami, I’ve kind of found myself. I probably would have freaked out a bit if it were one of you. You’re right that I saw you more as Dan Roberts and Ian’s friend. Like me, I saw you as one of us in the background. I know you’ve tried to be a good friend sometimes, but I never figured out why.”

He says, “You’re a good team player and just one of the guys. Neither of us has been overly popular. Like me, you’re a friend to a lot of people not just in our group. I originally thought that is how you identified with Tami. You know, April was pissed off with you for a while? You kind of came between her and Tami. She seems to like you more now.”

He’s no longer asking, but I relax and say, “Yes to what you asked, I’m transgender, but I see myself as both Jeff and Jessie.”

“Jessie that’s neat, I can see how that easily fits. Are you outing yourself or wasn’t this planned? What do other guys think?”

“I didn’t plan it,” I say. “I’m just tired of Luke’s comments about me being too girly. I wanted to push back and see his reaction. It’s kind of what I’m afraid of.”

It is now time to move to class, Andy says, “I’m still interested in being friends.”

Come, our last class, I see Luke again and ask, “So are we still friends?”

He says, “Probably, I’m not sure. I don’t want the grief of being a friend if it’s guilt by association or fighting with you?

Tami asks later as we’re walking to her place, “What’s with you and Luke?”

“He knows about me a little and he’s not liking it much.” Study time went well.

Tami asks, “Are you beginning to tell people about being Jessie, I thought your Mom said it was too early?”

“I didn’t quite plan it, but it might not be long before I do.”

Tami says, “If you’re going to tell people it might be good to let your family and friends know what you’re doing. Your family has been good, I don’t think they want to hear you’ve been hurt or…”

“I get it, I should tell them.” I so want to be Jessie at the moment. I know I am but yet I feel more comfortable in her skin when I am dressed as such.

When I got home, I quickly changed and dress as Jessie. Mom asked when she saw me, “Where do you think you’re going? I don’t hear you asking for permission.”

“Mom it’s not like that, I want to talk to you and I want to do it as Jessie. It’s nothing bad but Tami says I need to be open and up-front with you.”

Mom sits in the kitchen, “What would you like to talk about Jessie?”

“Luke gave me one of those comments that I was going so far in being girly that I was becoming one. I inferred, ‘So what if I did. Luke thought the idea was gross and soon walked off suggesting I was telling him I was gay. He was a bit more derogatory, but you understand. Well, Andy heard our conversation and picked up I was talking about being TG or a cross-dresser.”

Mom says, “Andy, he’s one of the guys in your group, but I thought you and him weren’t that close.”

“We’re not Mom, at least I hadn’t thought we were. Then again as Andy put it, we’re kind of similar in a lot of ways. He’s right we’re more like team players and friends to people inside and outside of our group. I didn’t pay attention to him like a lot of people don’t with me.”

Mom says, “A lot of people I know notice you and they think well of you.”

“I hear you Mom, but that’s with adults. Don’t worry, I’m not putting myself down.” I change the inflection of my voice, “Mom, what’s important here is Andy now knows and I think before the end of the school year more will figure it out or know from me. As Tami said, ‘I need to talk to you and Dad, and then Rachel and Rob.’ None of you should be surprised by friends or others knowing without you knowing.” I shake my head, not sure how clearly I’m saying things. “Does that make sense Mom?”

She says, “I know what you’re saying and yes we should talk about it.” She asks, “Is it something you want to be doing this coming week, before school’s out or what?” Mom moves to sit next to me and puts an arm around me. “We should make sure this is what you want because it will be harder to change your mind later if you decided later that you’re really Jeff.”

I’m surprised by Mom statement I ask, “Do you really wonder if I’m going to change my mind?”

“I don’t see that happening but I do want to be supportive of you and if you changed your mind, I will support you through that too.”

Mom calls to Dad, “Roger, would you come in here and be part of our discussion?” Dad comes in asking what we are doing for supper and Mom says, “Sit we’ll get to that but first Jessie needs to talk with us. One or two of Jeff’s guy friends know about his girl side. He thinks the times coming up when more people are going to know. He’s wondering about opening up about it and wants us to know.”

Dad jokes and becomes a little sarcastic, “We usually know after something happens, why the change?”

I’m more than a little scared, “I’m sorry, I’ve done things without thinking or telling you. But, I’m trying to change. I thought I should be open to you. I’m trying to grow up in how I handle things. I’ve hidden this part of me and well it’s not easy.”

“Hey Sport, I understand,” Dad says. “I appreciate being brought in on this. I know you tend to be closer to your Mom, but I’m here for you too… What are we talking about this week, this summer, or between now and then?”

“I think sometime before school ends. I want it to be me sharing and not others hearing about it from others. I want to talk to Dr. Hunt and maybe she and our family get together. Maybe even have Mrs. Carol Coulter, from the county LGBT board meet with us.”

Mom says, “Let’s talk now, get together with your sister and brother and then with Dr. Hunt and we can go from there.”

“My friends Luke and Andy found out today. Luke thinks I’m becoming a sissy and Andy seemed to understand I'm transgender and is more accepting. It kind of surprised me who did what. I thought Luke was my closest friend. Andy thinks Luke might come around.”

We talked another twenty minutes when Dad said, “Enough for tonight, I’m hungry and we need to eat. Rob and Rachel have already gone out for the night.

Dad says, “You two girls dress up a bit and we’ll go get something to eat.” I hesitate, kind of humming to myself. “Don’t worry we’ll go far enough away. It will be no problem.” He turns to Mom, “You wouldn’t mind going to the Hideaway would you?”

Mom turns to me, “Don’t dress up too much but this is a very nice place. You might want to wear something nice and something you can dance in as well.” Mom followed me upstairs to my room and went directly to the closet. The way she’s searching indicated she had an idea of what she’s looking for. “Here,” she said, handing me a nice long sleeve dress that looks to be a dark blue satin. It belonged to my sister and as I took it I prayed for it to fit, it is that nice.

It took a good hour to get there, but Dad swore it’s a good nightspot and the food is worth waiting for. Mom complimented me on how the dress fits and how it looks on me. Mom said, “I thought you were wanting to slow down and be a young teen. Tonight you’ve added a sultry look with your use of the eyeliner.”

Part of me took that as a compliment asking, “Why how old does it make me look?”

Dad stopped at a traffic light and turned around, “You look older than you are. You better behave or we’ll leave there early. I would like to enjoy some time dancing with your mother as well as our visit.”

Since we were not yet on a highway, I said, “Why don’t you just take me back home and go without me?”

Dad said, “No, you’re going. We’ve been planning this for weeks and other couples will be there. Your mother called and the Howards are now bringing their daughter who’s your age.”

Mom says, “It should be interesting, both the Howards and the Millers know you to be our son. Sharon Howard and Martha Miller were both in my bridal party when we got married. I told both Sharon and Martha, you’re coming as my daughter. I think they thought I was joking.”

We turned from the highway onto a winding road and then turned into a place that looked like an old mansion, the sign said, ‘Capone’s Hideaway’. I asked my parents, “Was there really someone named Capone?” Dad said, “Dah! I hope you’re just kidding me.”

Mom says, “Hush, they don’t talk about gangsters in history.” She says to me, “He was a big-time gangster. Supposedly, this was one of his hideaways away from Chicago.”

We’re no sooner through the door and I heard a woman begin to speak, “Wow, lookit here, she wasn’t kidding. My young woman, hug me and say hello to your Aunt Sharon.” She gives me two air kisses and then a big hug. I look over her shoulder to an attractive girl a little older than me. I suspect it’s her daughter as she’s smiling at us.

Sharon says, “Jeff… Jessie, do you remember my daughter Debra?” Sharon steps back so her daughter and I can say hello.

“Jess is it,” Debra asks? “Mom says we met before but I don’t remember meeting you.”

I ask, “Do you remember meeting Jeff, he’s my age too? If you do, I’m him.” Debra lifts one of my hands in hers as she walks around me, taking in what I said.

She asks, “Is this a punishment or your choice? …Come to the table we’ll sit next to each other so we can visit.” She takes me willfully by the hand, I’ve already decided I like her. We sit down as she quickly asks again, “So punishment, or choice? I think it’s your choice, nothing looks forced. Did you do your own makeup? I’m pretty sure your mother did not do up your eyes like this.”

She continues, “It’s not only your perfume, but you also smell like a girl with no sign of a boy.” Finally, she pauses and is waiting for me to answer. Martha and Dean Miller are here and the adults and seeking to sit around the table.

Martha pushes her way to sit next to me. Mom sits next to her. Martha says, “I can’t say I approve, but then again I just want to be here and find out how a boy does dressing up as a girl. Can I hear you speak, Jeff?”

“The name’s Jessie if you please, or we two are sitting at a separate table.”

“O’ so cute, and you’re passing yourself off as a ‘hottie’ of 16.” I’m quickly up and Debra’s with me. Martha takes offense, but that is okay with me. The waiter helps us to find a small table for two, saying. “Teens aren’t usually sitting this far off by themselves. Please help me not to regret this.”

Debra says, “Please know it is better than if we remained there.” He smiled, having already understood. Debra says, to Jessie, “Aunt Martha is lucky I wasn’t sitting next to her I would have accidentally spilled my water on her.”

I said, “So she doesn’t know how to talk to people like me. I’ve been fortunate, I haven’t received too many insensitive remarks.”

Mom soon drags a chair to our table, “I’m sorry for Martha’s insensitive remark. I am sure she will apologize once we can get it through her thick head how insensitive she was.”

“Thanks, Mom, but why are you sitting over here?”

“I’m afraid of what I might say to my longtime friend until I cool down.” I start to giggle and then stop myself. Mom says, “You don’t have to stop your laugh. You need to know I am very proud of you. I never thought one of my friends would be like this. I thought we were all more astute than that.”

Mom looks to Debra, “Was Martha... I like that you two get along. It is good to see you again Debra?”

I look at Debra, she looks at me and says, “Not you but my Mom must not have told you.” …She, Debra, turns to me, “Jess, I came out as a lesbian on my fifteenth birthday in January. The biggest thing that surprised me today is you look as old as I am.”

She continues as though mom wasn’t there, or maybe she said it to shock her; “I was afraid you’d look like a thirteen-year-old dorky boy trying to be a girl. Now, I’m hoping we can have some fun.”

“Mom, I hope you cooled down enough to go back to the others.”

After we ate Debra asked me, “Have you ever thought about coming up to our county’s LGBT meetings? It is not unusual for some people to go to a group in nearby counties. Many feel safer that way, especially early on.”

I asked, “Has a Johnny Hammonds or someone like me as Bree come there from our county?”

Debra says, “Are you trying to compete in the Martha look-a-like contest? You should know better than ask about someone else!”

“Sorry, but I’ve never been to any group stuff yet. There’s a transgender girl like me but she’s known of herself longer. I’d just like to talk to her or have someone to talk to. I know I’m not the only person like me, but I feel like I am.”

Deb had been listening and talking a lot about me. We began talking about her. I finally asked, “So what did Martha say to you when she found out?”

“Martha said, I couldn’t be a lesbian because I didn’t look butch like a dike and I was too pretty for one of them to be attracted to me.”

“And?”

“And I hugged and kissed Gina who was there. She wasn’t my girlfriend at the time but she played along to shock Martha.” Hearing that Debra had kissed her friend Gina. I became a little nervous and I guess it showed. “Don’t worry Jess, I don’t kiss or pursue everything in a skirt. I won’t say in time I wouldn’t be interested in you, but I see us just as friends.”

“I’m sorry that was probably silly of me,” I say.

She says, “It’s not silly, but you should be seeing people in terms of friends and them seeing you the same way. I for one would want you to know who you are. Even if I would suggest a date or doing something together still relax. I’ve never thought about being with a T-girl, but I guess if I did you might be my type. You have the making of a total person in my book.”

It was late in the night when Martha finally sought me out and apologized. Like Deb and I talked, I accepted her apology, but I would wait to measure her sincerity.

On the way home, I talked to Mom about going to an LGBT group. “Do you think Dr. Hunt would let Deb go to one of her group meetings at the University over at Whitewater?”

“Jessie, if you’re open to going to a support or community group, first decide and go for yourself. Debra probably has things she’s doing. If you would be interested in going to one of those, we’d see what we can do. Dr. Beth’s group at Whitewater might be a good thing for you if it’s open to young teens.”

When we got home late it was one of those nights I wished I wasn’t being a girl with makeup and skin to care for. I was in taking my makeup off and cleansing my skin when Rachel came up to visit me. She said, “What would you say to put on something as Jessie and being with me tonight? I would like to get familiar with having a younger sister.”

I said, “But my breast forms aren’t secure.”

She smiles and jokes, “Your budding little nipples haven’t fallen off or died yet have they? Breast forms are way over-rated.”

“Thanks, Sis, I’d like that.”

“Mom says, you saw Debra tonight and encountered Martha to both you and Mom’s embarrassment. Debra’s neat and you’re going to encounter awkward moments with people like Martha. I told Mom to relax concerning you, she can’t protect her baby from life all the time. I think she has and will talk to Martha more. I suspect Martha might mature someday, but one does not want to hold their breath until then.”

It was nice having Rach there as she complimented how well I’m doing things as Jessie. I went to change into some teddy bear PJs and she went downstairs to take a quick shower and change for bed. I didn’t mean to rush or embarrass her but she welcomed me into the room while she still was wrapped in a large towel. “Relax Jessie, I’ll ask you to turn away in a moment, but I also want to become comfortable with you. I am what you’re becoming that’s how it is with sisters.

Rachel turns away from me as she loosens the towel around her and finishes drying. She did grab something from her night table and shortly after disposing of something in her trash. Her nightie is sheer and doesn’t hide much when she turns around and sits across from me.

“So little sis, are you sure you would like to grow up like me?”

“Don’t tease me, you know I can’t be as pretty and real as you?” Rachel steps over and takes my hand and takes me in front of her full-length mirror. She asks, “Can you really say you’re not like me?” I have trouble not smiling, not wanting to admit we’re alike. ‘Why am I resisting it? I guess I don’t want to be disappointed when I wake up and this dream is over.’ Part of me is still afraid to believe this is true.

Rachel steps behind me and then reaches around cupping my breasts. “You’re still taking the medicine for these girls aren’t you?” Warmth and tingling are originating at my nipples.

I say, “No, why would you say that?”

“Because if they were my breasts, that is what I would do. They’re still sensitive and I think they’re still growing.” Her hands are massaging me there and getting me excited.

I say, “Please stop Rachel, please.” I’m ready to cry and ready to hum from the sensation I’m feeling.

“Tell me the truth and I’ll stop.”

“If I tell you what you want to hear you’ll tell Mom and I’ll be in more trouble.”

“Tell me?”

I break down, “Yes, but don’t tell on me. I only take a pill every other day.”

Rachel leads me back and we sit next to each other on her bed. She is gently hugging me. “I’m not going to tell, I can appreciate what you’re going through. I don’t want to lose you as my sister.” There’s a light knock on the door as Mom pokes her head in to look.

Mom says, “Why is the big sister comforting her little sister?”

Rachel whispers to me, “Don’t worry.” She says aloud, “Jessie thinks she’s not going to be pretty like she sees me. She does this when we take these times. She doesn’t have a good self-image yet. I think she’s worried about people wanting her to be Jeff.”

Mom sits, “I don’t see it that way. I think Jessie is going to have her chance to blossom beginning when school is out. Jessie how many pictures did you see and compliments did you receive about being like your sister on our trip? You continue to grow like her ever since you’ve been back. I’ve been afraid someone might tease you because you’re beginning to look more like your sister than your brother Rob.”

Rachel speaks up for me, “But Mom, she’s worried by not taking the female hormones and not the blocker that her system might stop and not start again. I feel for her, it’s not something you or I would have to worry about,” said Rachel. I told her thanks as Mom looks at me.

Mom says, “Maybe you should continue to take a half dose and I’ll call Dr. Stoults about it tomorrow or the beginning of the week. Do you still have some of that prescription?”

I say and Rachel smiles, “How about if I just took one pill every other day, until then?”

Mom visits a little longer and is ready to leave the room. When she says to Rachel, “I think you should change what you’re wearing or put on a robe when your brother is with you.”

“I was wondering when you were going to say something,” Rachel says. “I respectfully disagree. I remember once Cousin Molly and I were together and she had blossomed and I had not. I suspect sometimes you had a similar experience. It is like a rite of passage for a girl growing up to see who she is becoming. I invited Jessie to be with me tonight. It’s a little sister and big sister time.” She smiles at Mom, “I hope you won’t make me treat Jessie like Jeff and make me change.”

Mom looks to me, “Jessie,” I look up; “okay Rachel, I appreciate your point. I appreciate the big sister you’re being.” She asks, “Has she commented or asked about the string showing?” I get a questioning look as Rachel puts a finger over her mouth, suggesting mom say nothing more.

After Mom left I asked what they were talking about and all Rachel would say is, “You will probably learn in time.”

I kept wondering for a while as we visited until after 2:00 a.m.

Sometime after I fell asleep I had a dream about my friend Andy and me. I was wondering why he and not Luke was more comfortable with me becoming more of a girl. The thoughts and feelings wandered from just being more accepting of being closer friends and whether he was seeing me more as a boy or a girl.

I can’t remember what happened but as I wake up I remember Andy and me kissing. I struggle to remember about it, while I’m not sure I have the notion I liked it.

Story to be continued…