The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2594 by Angharad Copyright© 2015 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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“Ye’re aboot tae gi’ up a’ ye’ve done f’ thae past few years?”

“I’ll do the odd bit now and again, help with surveys and so on.”

“Will ye noo? Sae wha’s gang tae run yer department?”

“If I was ill they’d find someone.”

“Aye, but ye’re no ill, are ye?”

“I’m sick of being a bureaucrat.”

“Is that how ye see yersel’?”

“Yes.”

“Sae ye dinna see yersel’ as helpin’ yer students find fulfilment, designin’ research programmes, or protecting habitats or species, especially yer furry tree rats? Ye dinna see yersel’ educatin’ the general public wi’ yer films an’ yer miniskirts, changing public perceptions tae conservation issues or encouraging others, especially young women followin’ yer footsteps? Ye’re jest a bureaucrat pushin’ bits o’ paper around yer desk an’ raisin’ money for yer department.”

“Okay, I’m more than just a bureaucrat.”

“Aye, ye’re a professor an’ a guid one despite such little experience.”

“I don’t think I’m very good, too little experience especially at pretending to be a business woman. I feel I should be running research programmes not dealing with accountants, I’m a teacher not an entrepreneur.”

“Aye, ye’re an inspired teacher if a wee bitty unorthodox.”

“I get results, don’t I?”

“Ye dae, which is why I want ye tae continue here until ye get thae Sussex job.”

“I don’t think I have much chance for Sussex,”

“Show ’em whit ye’ve done here.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“No, o’ course not—humbug.”

“I haven’t.”

“Whit aboot settin’ up an’ runnin’ thae biggest mammal survey ever done.”

“You did a lot of that.”

“I headed it ye did thae work.”

“That’s about it though isn’t it?”

“Aye hen, that’s it unless we include introducin’ ecology tae thae university an’ settin’ up courses an’ runnin’ them when a junior lecturer. Bein’ an inspirational teacher wi’ a turn o’ novelty even a stage magician wud find hard tae outdo. Yer students love ye, yet ye’re takin’ aboot leavin’ them in thae lurch...”

“Okay, okay, you made your point, you don’t want me to resign.”

“Only if ye got thae job at Sussex.”

“Professor Herbert will be a tough act to follow.”

“Aye we ken that, sae does he—that’s why he wants ye tae dae it.”

“I don’t have the experience, do I?”

“Why d’ye think we got ye thae job o’ professor here?”

“So I could have a better chance of getting Sussex?”

“At last. Ye widnae tak thae UN job which would hae been even more usefu’ on yer CV, despite Ezzie tryin’ tae get ye tae, but no, Little Miss Know it a’, knew it all already. Except ye didnae an’ haed tae work yer socks aff tae keep up wi whit wis happenin’.”

“No wonder it felt like a conspiracy—it was one.”

“Aye but f’ thae best o’ reasons.”

“So Herbert knew about the offer from Harvard a year or so ago?”

“Aye, more or less.”

“How could that be? I thought stitch ups only happened in poor movies and the police.”

“Get real, Cathy, this is a world where deception and misdirection are every bit as common place as international politics.”

“So I see, what about a fair and free system?”

“Ever thae idealist.”

“Ideals are like dreams, without them how can you have ambitions or hopes. Yes, I’m an idealist and proud of it.”

“Ye’ll be tellin’ me ye’re a woman an’ prood o’ it tae.”

“I am.”

He roared with laughter and I glared at him. “Sometimes ye’re sae predictable.”

“I am proud of being a woman.”

“Guid, I’m glad tae hear it. Noo, when Sussex advertise for Ezzie’s job, I want ye tae apply.”

“I’m not commuting from here to Brighton every day.”

“It’s no that far.”

“It’s fifty miles each way.”

“Och, that’s nae big deal.”

“So, how come you didn’t do it?”

“How d’ye ken I didnae?”

“I couldn’t see you driving a hundred miles a day, Daddy.”

“Well Miss Ken it a’, I did when I first came tae Portsmouth. I wis living in Bournemouth an’ teaching at Southampton, commuting every day. Hef thae time we were on thae Isle O’ Wight running experiments or surveys.”

“I thought you didn’t do surveys?”

“I dinnae but that disnae mean I canna do ain.” He smirked and I felt like slapping him one.

“All this time I thought you couldn't do one.”

“Ye’re a wee bit better at it than I am, and I consider it much more an ecologist’s bag than biologist.”

“But you let me plan and then set up the survey, knowing all the time you could’ve done it yourself.”

“Ye needed a job, it gave ye extra hoors.”

“But you could have done it yourself?”

“Aye, but ye did it sae much better.”

“You conned me.”

“No I didnae. Ye never asked if I could've done, ye just assumed I couldnae.”

“You old fraudster.”

“No, ye never asked me.”

“I assumed...”

“In which case ye’ve learned something—never assume onything ye canna verify by experiment.”

“Very funny.”

“Aye, I thocht sae.”

“So the old bugger reckons you only got the job here because they were planning on appointing you to Sussex?” Simon summed things up as we lay in bed together.

“The professorship, yes.”

“What was that about the survey?”

“He asked me to teach doing surveys because he knew I had experience of doing them, then he asked me to do a paper on them as a proposition for my MSc. I assumed he didn’t do them or couldn’t do them—the old fraud could, he just didn’t like doing them.”

“Oh, so you made an assumption without testing it?”

“Don’t you start.”

“Wait until Trish hears this.”

“Please don’t tell her, she finishes half our conversations with, ‘some bloody biologist you are.’”

He laughed so loudly I thought he might wake the baby so I hushed him to be quiet. “Don’t wake Lizzie, it’s taken me months to get her to go all night.” No wonder he could get up earlier than me, he wasn’t being woken in the night to give a feed—I was. Occasionally, Jacquie would do it, but not often, she preferred to do the breakfast one—can’t say I blamed her, babies are rarely social assets. I never considered I was integrated enough to pass the time of day while standing with a pushchair or pram outside a school gate while waiting for older children.

When I used to walk past them waiting when I was a school boy, I was so envious of their ability to have babies—and still am to some extent—but not standing about for hours each week waiting at school gates comparing stretch marks or sleepless nights.

I kissed Simon goodnight and turned over to sleep. I felt his warm body against my back and drifted off to sleep knowing I was safe and loved without needing to test my hypothesis.