The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2505 by Angharad Copyright© 2014 Angharad

---

“So that’s sorted then?” said Simon as we snuggled down together.

“What is?”

“Danni’s legally female.”

“The legal situation is, that’s about all.”

“I thought that was all there was to it, get legal status and you’re entitled to the same as any other of that sex. I mean she can get married now, play for England, do all sorts of things.”

“If she had chosen to become a girl and had gender surgery, I would agree with you...”

“Well she was dressing up as girl for some time before Peter chopped her up with his penknife. I mean she went up to Scotland as a girl.”

“Only because I made her do it to try and put her off—fat lot of use that was.”

“And that youngster killed herself.”

“Yeah, Alice.”

“That’s right, poor kid with her idiot father. How is it they always manage to see the light after the event, when it’s too late?”

“I don’t know, Si.”

“At least Danni didn’t do that.”

“No, but who’s to say she won’t at some future time when she realises she’s made a total mistake and wishes she was a boy.”

“That’s not going to happen, is it?”

“How do I know? Look, for the moment she’s coping with being a girl. If she gets an England cap, she’ll feel much happier—for a period, anyway—then who knows.”

“Hasn’t she got more chance as a girl than as a boy, I mean than she would have had she stayed a boy?”

“Probably. She’s quite talented but against twice as many boys, she possibly wouldn’t look as good. In a smaller pool, she has more chance to be a big fish, so yeah—except for the change of gender, that is going to be a real complication. If she were a bio female, I’d be buying her a new kitbag, because she’d be in a team. But she’s not so we’ll have to wait and see.”

“You said that Jason implied she’d be treated the same as any other young woman once she had legal status.”

“That’s what they say in public, behind closed doors, it could well be different.”

“In which case we sue.”

“You’d have to prove she’d been discriminated against, which is very difficult. They only need to say she wasn’t right for the team and we’re sunk.”

“I only have to call in a few loans and they’re bankrupt.”

“What d’you mean?”

“Who d’you think really owns Wembly stadium?”

“The FA.”

“Try again.”

“High St?”

“Amongst others.”

“You’d bring down the FA?”

“Yes if I thought it was necessary.”

“To punish them for not picking Danni?”

“Not directly, but for overlooking a gender different girl when their policy states they wouldn’t.”

“Would you do this for any transgender kid?”

“I think so, why?”

“I know why I’ll always love you, Simon.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Um—why is that then?”

“Because when it counts, you’re a man of principle.”

“But I’m a banker, babes, you know all money and no scruples.”

“Okay, so I was wrong.”

“No, I’m only joking about stereotypes.”

“That’s good. I need to sleep now, darling.” I turned over and almost nodded off except I kept seeing Danny shouting at me—“I don’t want to be a girl, you made me one, Mummy, it’s all your fault.”

I woke up crying at one point, grateful that Simon hadn’t heard me. It was two in the morning and I decided to get myself a cup of tea. I slipped out of bed and grabbed a cardi to wear over my pyjamas. I thought about the conversation I’d had with Simon and that I would always love him. Then as the kettle boiled the song written by Dolly Parton and sung by Whitney Houston, I will always love you and the words and music seemed to play in my head. I had the song on CD somewhere and I also had a DVD of the The Bodyguard where she sings it to Kevin Costner. It was one of my favourite films and always left me in tears—crazy isn’t it that all we women love a good tear jerker—but we do. Or I do, don’t go much on horror films and that but I do enjoy a good thriller or whodunit as well, preferably not too violent.

Footsteps stopped my reverie and when I looked up expecting to see Stella or even Julie, I was surprised to see Danielle standing in the doorway. “What are you doing here?” I asked thinking I should send her back to bed but I suspect she needs to talk or cuddle given what’s going on in her life.

“I couldn’t sleep an’ I heard you come down and put the kettle on, so I knew it was you, Mummy.”

“The fact that I’m down here doesn’t mean you have to be as well, does it?”

“No, I s’pose not.”

“So why are you here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay, d’you want a drink?”

“Could I have some milk, please?”

“Of course you can.” I got her a glass of cold milk and she sipped at it as I drank my tea. “What d’you want to talk about?” I asked after a couple of minutes where neither of us said anything. I knew what I thought the topic of conversation would be and wasn’t disappointed.

“This gender form thing, does that mean I’m a girl forever?”

“In a legal sense more or less. You could change it back to being a boy but it wouldn’t be easy because they only grant them on the basis that you’re going to stay in the new gender.”

“Oh,” she said blushed.

“Don’t you want to be my daughter?”

She stood up and came and sat on my lap, resting her head on my shoulder. “I love you being my mum more than anything. It’s the best thing that ever happened to any of us and we all love you, Mummy.”

“I love you all, too, sweetheart, so does Daddy and Gramps and Auntie Stella.”

“I know, we all do.” She paused for a few moments, “Did you love me more as a boy or a girl?”

“Love doesn’t compare things, Danielle, it doesn’t make conditions or terms, it just is. I love you as my child, and although I didn’t give birth to you, I love you as much as if I did. I don’t mind if you’re a boy or a girl or neither, I’ll still love you unconditionally. I will always love you,” damn that song was becoming a real earworm.

“I’ll always love you too, Mummy. You wanted me to stay a boy, didn’t you?”

“I wanted you to be happy, sweetheart and if that meant dressing as a girl or even becoming one, then it made no difference to me. I’m still your mother and as such, love you unconditionally.”

“But you tried to put me off, didn’t you?”

I did but I didn’t think admitting it would help because it would give a form of preference which she could use to justify doing one thing or the other. “I tried to give you a chance to experience life as a girl more than merely dressing as one. I hoped it would help you to see what you wanted to do. I had no idea that it would become permanent because someone else would mutilate you. I wanted it to be your decision, but when the surgeons were waiting to try and patch you up, because you’d presented as a girl, they and I thought it would be better to give you a vagina rather than try and rebuild your penis, which Peter had practically destroyed. It was as if he wanted to make sure you could never be a boy again while leaving enough skin to form a vagina. If we all made a mistake, I’m truly sorry and will do everything I can to find a surgeon to reconstruct you, no matter what it costs.” I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

“I had no chance of playing for England as a boy, did I?”

“I don’t know, darling, I know very little about soccer.”

“I don’t think I did, but I just might do it as a girl, mightn’t I?”

“I’m no judge of these things but that Mr Butcher seemed to think you had some talent, so there’s a chance. How good it is, I don’t know.”

“I’m going to give it my best shot, Mummy, like I’m going to try being the best daughter I can for you.”

“Is that what you really want to do?”

“Yes, yes it is, Mummy.”

“Well if ever you change your mind, you must come and tell me.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Okay, so it won’t hurt to promise me that you would come and tell me then, would it?”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Let’s hug to seal our pact, shall we? I promise to help you be the best daughter you can and you promise to tell me if you want to change back to a boy; okay?”

“I’m not gonna change back, I’m gonna captain England ladies.”

“If that’s what you really want to do, I’ll do all in my power to help you.”

“It is, Mummy. An’ Mummy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart—now come on, back to bed.”