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(aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2504 by Angharad Copyright© 2014 Angharad
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The meal was fine with everyone tucking in and eating to their heart’s content—I had cooked two packs of pasta. As Stephanie wasn't here to treat anyone she stayed sitting at the table with Si, Stella, Tom and Julie. I was busy loading the dishwasher and Jacquie was making teas and coffees. The younger girls were doing their homework and had sloped off to the lounge.
“So let me get this straight, if Danni is transitioning during or before puberty, then the FA will accept her as a normal female?”
“That’s what Jason said.”
“Oh well, funnily enough, my letter suggests that we placed her on testosterone blockers at age twelve and following that, low dosage oestrogen. Since her attack and consequent surgical rebuild, she is now living as any other thirteen year old female, except her inability to menstruate. She is also taking a daily dose of steroidal sex hormones, commensurate with a girl of her age and size.”
“Thank you, Steph, we much appreciate it.”
“I can’t do anything like that,” said Simon, placing his mug back on the table. He then rose and walked across the room where he took something from his computer bag. He came back and reseating himself began to open a large brown envelope.
“I’ve only got this piece of blue paper,” he placed the paper in front of me, I recognised it at once. It was a gender recognition certificate. It had Danielle’s name on it.
“How did you get it, surely it would normally be sent to here, her home?”
“We gave the bank as a poste restante so the legal team could deal with any queries.”
“What about birth certificates?” I asked.
“She gets to choose what she wants on them.” He produced the form from the Registrar General’s office at Smedley Hydro.” My tummy fluttered as I thought back to my own reassignment—legal, that is.
I called Danielle to come to the room. The form was hidden. She arrived dressed in jeans and a Portsmouth Women’s FC sweat shirt. “Yes, Mummy?”
“Darling, Dr Stephanie wants to be absolutely sure that you really want to be a girl for the rest of your life.”
A bemused expression swept across Danielle’s face. “I don’t have a lot of choice, do I—I mean, how many boys have tits and a fanny?”
“How many get a chance to play for England schoolgirls?” asked Simon.
“Okay. Yes, Dr Stephanie, I want to play for England women’s team and their school girls. So I guess I must want to be a girl.”
“It sounds a little as if you just want to get an England cap and given your refurbished genitalia, you only see that as possible as a girl.”
“Yeah, that’s about it.”
Stephanie went very red.
“I thought you enjoyed other things as well, about being a girl.”
“I do, but soccer is my main enjoyment.”
“What about the school, you seem to be enjoying that and your marks have improved no end.”
“Yeah, school's okay, better than that other place. At least the teachers at the convent listen to us occasionally.”
“You realise that if you are granted full legal status as female you cannot reverse it?” This probably wasn’t entirely true but it wouldn’t be easy.
“What d’you mean?” Danni looked bemused again.
“Despite living full time as a girl and having as girlish a body as you have, your legal status is still male.”
“Oh that, yeah, it’s a pain. Can’t we hurry them up?”
“Once it’s granted, assuming it will be, you can’t change back to being a male again.”
“I can’t anyway, can I? Not with this body.”
“Your body could be made more masculine again but it’s doubtful you would have a functioning penis again, although who knows what might be possible in years to come.”
“Yeah, dunno if I want someone messing about with me down there again, besides I want to play for England, so I’ve gotta be a girl to do that, I’ll never get a game as boy, will I?”
Stephanie was looking perplexed. “Danielle, you sound more pragmatic than convincing about being female. I’m concerned about it because you usually sound much more enthusiastic than this.”
“It’s okay being a girl, honest. I like dresses and makeup and boys—um, I mean playing with—um, it’s okay, really.”
“And you’re happy to stay as one for the rest of your life?”
“Looks like—yeah, it’s okay. Yeah, I wanna be a girl forever. That convincing enough?”
“I think I need to see you again, young lady, but not tonight. Next week, I think.”
“I won’t be any different—I’ll still be a girl, and still wanna play for England.”
“I thing Stephanie is concerned about your seeming ambivalence.”
“Sorry, look, I’m stuck as a girl. I didn’t specially wanna be one, but I am, thanks to Pia and her penknife, and I have to make the best of it. I’m a girl but I wanna be an England one.”
I hugged her. “Have a look at this.” I handed her the certificate. She looked at it and squealed.
“Yes,” she said, “I’m legal, I can play for England.”
Stephanie’s expression looked concerned.
“Can I show it to the others?”
“Put it in a display pocket to keep it clean.”
“Okay, thanks, Mum.” She pecked me on the cheek.
“It was your father who did it.”
“Did he? Thanks, Dad.” She ran off to show the others.
“How come you got a kiss and I didn’t?” Simon pouted.
“I handed her the certificate, I suppose.”
Simon huffed then poured himself a fresh glass of Chianti, “Anyone else?” he waved the bottle about. I nodded and he half-filled my glass.
“I’d better be going,” Steph said collecting Emily who was asleep in her buggy.
“I’ll see you off.” I walked with her to the front door.
She handed me her letter. “I have a few more qualms about this than I thought.”
“Please don’t give it then.”
“I thought she was happy as a girl, although I knew she didn’t exactly choose to be one. Now I’m not so sure, especially what will happen if she doesn’t get her England cap, or what happens when she outgrows football or It, her. What’s she going to be like as a thirty-something woman who tires of the charade she’s been living?”
“I don’t know, Steph, it worries me too, but I can’t see an alternative. If the England thing hadn’t cropped up, I don’t know if we’d have had a chance to resolve this or not. Until that’s settled with this training camp weekend, we just have to support her.”
“I’m just concerned about her long term future—that’s all.”
“I know—so am I.”
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Comments
As am I...
And, I've been concerned... Danni's sounding more and more somewhere in the middle (if you assume it's a single line between male and female, which I don't necessarily)... It's good that Stephanie actually got to see/hear this!
Amazing what the right amount of money can expedite...
And, if Danni didn't doesn't get the cap, I do wonder quite a lot how the kid'll react.
Thanks,
Annette
Ambivalence
I think I understand Danni perfectly. It is a lot to think about, and it is our binary culture that creates the mental illness, not us. By forcing one to be male or female, it puts those of us who are a bit of both in a terrible position.
Fortunately, one can be female and do lots of guy things, where as if one is male and doing girl things there can be lots of trouble. It is sad actually.
This makes me wonder if we went back to 2004 if it would have just been better to turn out as gay? Though the idea of anal sex is horrifying to me. Perhaps there is less public stigma for a gay man than a trans woman? I am very attracted to men, though I never was until well after I began living as a woman. My head feels as though there are a dozen people in it having a conversation.
One thing that is undeniable is that I have infinitely more social success as a woman than I ever did as a man.
This episode was good for lots of introspection.
What to do, what to do?
Khadijah
Smedley's Hydro
The only Smedley's Hydro I know is in Matlock Derbyshire, not a million miles from where we live. Is that the HQ of the Registrar General? If it is I've learned something. Matlock is where the Derbyshire County Council HQ is and the Youth Hostel Association, too. Never realised it was such a bureaucratic hub :)
Certainly Danni seems somewhat ambivalent about her future status. Wanting to play football for England doesn't really cut it as a reason. Stephanie is right to feel a little apprehensive.
Thanks Ang for your tireless efforts to keep us entertained so regularly.
Robi
Reading the banter back and
Reading the banter back and forth between Danni, Cathy and Stephanie, I believe I understand where Danni is coming from. Her journey into girl/womanhood was not of her initial making, so she is still pondering the "what ifs" in her young life. "How would I have done, if I were still a boy?"; "how will I do now that I am a girl?" What happened to her was way beyond serious, and she is still in a lot of respects trying to cope with it. She can, it seems, see the pluses and the minus' of both sides of the gender fence, and probably better than Trish, maybe even Cathy and Stephanie. Stephanie really does need to sit down with Danni and just LISTEN to her once she brings her to the point she will really and truly open up. On top of it all is still the worry she has that someone, somewhere, will recognize her from her boyhood time and will out her to the public at large. That IS a very heavy burden who is just 13.
This story arc of Danni's
This story arc of Danni's gender confusion is quite compelling. Thank you Angharad.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
Like many children
Danni appears to being pragmatic, As she gets older she may well realise that not everything is black and white , What seems to be a reasonably straightforward choice now will no doubt in a few years become more problematic, Stephanie is right to be concerned , But given the choices open to Danni if she reverts to being male there could well be as many concerns for Steph if that is her decision.
Kirri
Flip-flop, flip-flop.
I swayed back and forth all through my early years and even into my twenties. That's what caused the suicidal feelings before I finally met my best friend and married her. The transgender stuff is fairly recent for me started somewhere in my late forties/early fifties then the pendulum started get stuck on the distaff side of the swing more and more often and for longer and longer periods.
The more I read about gender issues, the more confused I get in the general sense. In my specific case, I am now definitely female but it's been a very long, painful road.
Dec 9th going to see my surgeon about orchidectomy and possible clitoroplasty.
I can readily understand Danny's ambivalence insofar as I don't see gender as a fixed feast though |I'll be happier as a woman. I never suffered from any morphobia concerning my genitalia. For me it's as much the social side insofar as wanting to join the wonderous regiment of women and enjoy the improved communications and sensitivities. Girls definitely have more fun. Well at least I believe they do.
Good chapter Ang. I'm glad your exploring issues that possibly don't affect every transexual namely the ambivalence and uncertainties for some of us.
The more I read about Danni
The more I identify with her. I think I'm on the boundary gender-wise, wishing I could be female but not to the extent that I MUST be one; on the other hand, if I had an incident such as Danni did with Pia, I'd get on with life as female, but sometimes wondering how it would be if I'd remained as I was born.
I don't think there is a real problem with being pragmatic.
Of course, how this goes is up to Angharad, and I'll find out as I continue to catch up!
Love, Bev xx