The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2566 by Angharad Copyright© 2015 Angharad

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“Ah, just the lady I wanted to speak with,” I let the DCI follow me into my office.

“If you promise not to arrest me until after we’ve finished drinking it, I could offer you a tea or coffee.”

He blushed, “Sorry about that.”

“I’ll accept your apology Chief Inspector, but if feel you harassing me or mine without just cause, you’ll find out why they call me the pension killer.”

“It isn’t a good idea to threaten a police officer.”

“That wasn’t a threat, it was a statement of fact.”

He nodded. “You found the body of Bernard Black in your laboratory just before Christmas?”

“You know I did.”

He smiled, “I do.”

We were interrupted momentarily as Delia brought in two mugs one with tea the other with coffee. I’ll let you guess which was mine but it had a picture of a dormouse on it.

“It appears your technician isn’t resting in peace.”

I pretended I had no idea of what he was talking. “Is this actual or metaphysical, given that much of his brain was splattered over the tiles in the lab.”

“As a scientist perhaps you can explain life after death,” he taunted me.

I knew why he was playing games but wasn’t going to disappoint him. “Easy, it’s a failure in the human psyche to cope with its own mortality, so we make up all sorts of games to pretend it doesn’t happen and instead of dying we live happily ever after sans bodies of course.”

“So it’s all delusional, is it?”

“Personally, I think so.”

“You an atheist?”

“I prefer agnostic, if someone proves the existence of a god in repeatable experiment which is then peer reviewed, I’ll be first to church every Sunday morning.”

He nearly smiled.

“You deceased technician has been a busy boy since he died.”

“Oh?”

“He hacked into the Land Registry and claimed you sold the land to your husband’s bank.”

“That’s quite a trick, perhaps they have cloud broadband in the hereafter.”

“I don’t find it very amusing Professor Cameron.”

“Oh c’mon, it’s pretty obvious isn’t it, he’s obviously somewhere which has internet access and as Microsoft and Google have some sort of remote storage on cloud base or similar sort of name, it seemed somewhat apt.”

“I don’t think murder is very funny, professor.”

“Nor do I. Would you prefer it if I clung to you asking you to protect us from this unknown killer?”

“Knowing you used to be a boy, I’d prefer you didn’t cling on to me.”

“Ah a transphobic copper, there’s a surprise.”

“I’m not transphobic but like you with god, I don’t believe anyone can change sex unless they were wrongly diagnosed at birth.”

“Is that just humans or all species?”

“Don’t tell me there’s some pond slime found only in a cave up the Amazon that can spontaneously change sex?”

“Okay, I won’t tell you.”

“Won’t tell me what?”

“That pond slime would probably reproduce asexually.”

“Very funny.”

“But several animals can spontaneously change from one sex to the other depending upon population dynamics, fish and some amphibians primarily.”

“Yeah, the point being?”

“As you don’t know my circumstances you shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

“So what are your circumstances, don’t tell me you’re really some sort of alien tadpole?”

“No, they all become policemen.”

“You haven’t told me your circumstances.”

“No I haven’t have I?”

“Is it relevant—to this case I mean?”

“Only insofar as possibly trying to ameliorate the transphobia being applied by a senior investigating officer.”

“I’m not transphobic, all right, I just don’t fancy you, all right; so stop making eyes at me. It won’t do you no good.”

I wasn’t aware I was trying to flirt with him. In fact I felt repelled by him.

“I’m sorry but I think you might be misinterpreting something.”

“Look, Professor, just because you’ve a pretty face and big tits doesn’t turn me on, okay. I know your history and no amount of plastic surgery and silicone is going to make me fancy you.”

I wasn’t sure if I felt indignant, angry or amused. “Inspector, my face is as it always has been apart from some makeup, I have no implants, my ‘big tits’ as you called them are because I’m still breast feeding my youngest child.”

Talk about blush, if any more blood had gone into his skin he’d have collapsed from hypotension, he muttered and blustered.

“I suspect you haven’t got all of my history at all. Now shall we stop swapping insults and deal with this like adults?”

He sat down opposite me. “You’re aware another of your colleagues has been found dead in suspicious circumstances?”

“I believe our young auditor was found dead.”

“Weren’t you heard issuing threats at him?”

“No. I challenged his audit and gave him several opportunities to change his mind but he was obviously working to a party line. When he discovered that I’d had the accounts audited by a very well regarded chap, he withdrew from the meeting. I haven’t seen him since. I can’t say I knew him well enough to give an opinion on his state of mind and whether he would take his own life. I hope he didn’t leave any children.”

“Two under fives.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you—sounds as if you hounded him out of the meeting.”

“Were you there?”

“Of course not.”

“I was and pointed out consequences to him, including that of potential prosecution.”

“That isn’t making threats?”

“I said I was suspending the meeting and possibly informing the police if any of my budgets were touched. As you probably know, certifying accounts which are known to be false is a criminal offence for an auditor.”

“It probably is for lots of people.”

“You think he killed himself?”

“It’s highly possible.”

“He hanged himself, I hear.”

“We haven’t released details.”

“I’m sorry.” I said feeling for his wife and two small children.

“You’re sorry—words are cheap, Professor.”

“I’m sorry he was caught up in things bigger than he realised.”

“What you and you bloody bank?”

“No, whatever conspiracy is going on here.”

“Haven’t you got to see its purpose before you make accusations of conspiracy? As you don’t know if there is a conspiracy or just you being paranoid.”

“I know all right and possibly who some of the main players are, I’m accumulating evidence to place before the university council.”

“Who’s going to die next?”

“How would I know, I’ll wait and see the obituaries column in the Echo.”

“Yet you knew about it almost as quickly as we did.”

“It was on the BBC website.”

“But you didn’t do it, eh professor?”

“Of course I bloody well didn’t.”

“Funny how nobody remembered to tape the conversation, just like this one.”