Tragedy of the Spirit Part 17 Jason

Jason and I spent a considerable ammount of time talking and ne thing I did was give him the background on my beginings and my journey.

Our weekends were spent mostly on the phone with several dates as he placed it and we did get close. I did, however, feel out of touch and out opf place and I truely believe he knew what I was feeling and tried in so many ways to understand.

One conversation we had was very intense. We went to a restraunt called SMITTY"S. This restraunt was very nice and we occupied a quiet booth near the back. He ordered coffee and I ordered tea. I guess I grew accustomed to tea after growng up on the farm and never really acquired the taste for the black brew.

Jason: " I need to know where you and I stand on several issues here Mellissa. I feel a strong admiration for you and yet I feel I cannot get any closer to you as you have this wall about you. It is like you are always on guard. I am not really sure why?"

Me: " I really do not understand Jason, I have tried my very best to be more myself when we are out and I am open to what you have to say to me and I do try my best to communicate. I suppose I knew that trying to date out side of the "realm" of street life was going to create alot of problems for me and for us. I know I have a wall, I just do not know how I can be anymore open withoput that wall." I continued " I do understand what you are ssaying I think, I wish I knew why and what I am trying to protect me from."

Jason: " I know exactly what is happenning for and too me here Mellissa, It is I am starting to get feelings for you and I am not really sure where or what your thoughts and feelings are towards me . I know you have alot to try and deal with. Your transition, your running, your trying to protect yourself. I WANT to KNOW where I fit in and how I can assist if any to make this easier."

I was shocked at his words and his general stance on this.

Me: " Jason, I have so much to protect me from, that I know and when I was on my own and living the street life, MY priority was MYSELF. I had no one. I could not rely on anyone. I had to rely on only one person here and that was ME. I am SO trying to be the person you want in your life and maybe it is what i want as well, however I know I need to get right. I am not sure how I can do that without hurting people like Jenn, you and the acquaintances I have made. I want to keep my guard up and my wall. I am not sure how I can deal with this."

Jason: " I know I am asking a huge lot of you here Mellissa, I jsut feel that if it is not correctable, then maybe we should part and see where it goes." He continued " Mellissa, I am not sure anymore what you want. What you feel you would like in your life. It is almost like I am dealing with a parent here."

I was again stunned.

Me: " I know that maybe so , but you have to understand that my life was not easy nor will that life be easy for me in the future. I cannot be sure what I need here. I am trying maybe to do too much. I wish the hell I knew. My life was and looks like it is still fucked up beyond what is normal for a human to deal with. You know Jason, yes I have grown up. I was placed in a extremely difficult situation and I made due with what I had to deal with daily. I have told you before, that my life was not easy. I get that fact that you are so trying to deal with my insecurities, my failures as you may see it as. I know I never had failed. I have in some ways yes succedded, in others I have not met expectations to what you wish for a girlfreind. I guess in essence I have failed there as well. I am not going to hold you to me, if you want you can walk, however I do care and wish to try and make it work. If you want you can leave, I am hopeful that we can remain freinds if that happens. If not then I move foreward as best I can. I knwo you are off to university soon. I get it, I also get that you think I am way to "wise" for you. ( street smarts survival and strength). I also get that fact that you could have any girl yopu want and desire. I have been rejected enuff already."

Jason: " I know all that Mellissa, I jsut want to try and be with you, I cannot tho, it feels like you are withholding and keeping a safe distance."

Me: " Do you wanna know why I keep a distance? or Do you already know? "

Jason: " I know why I guess, I also guess that your protection from abuse and being hurt prevents you from getting close."

I smiled and nodded at that comment. I also reminded him that I feared him. He was a bit bigger than me and well it kinda reminded me of my "father". Jason had alot of confidence in himself, his intellect was amazing and that was what atracted me to him. I feel he was also attracted to me in the same fashion.

I replied to his observation by saying " yes, I am affraid, yes I have to protect me from the world. I know I have to change it, but I am not sure how and when I can do that. It is not like I can turn a switch and jsut say that it is going to be ok and that everything that went on with me will be erased. I cannot and will not do that jason. Not for yu or anyone. I cannot afford it for myself right now. I have paid a cost already for fuck sake." I bele4ive I shocked him there with that as his eyes grew wide and saw a flicker of angst there. We ended our night and he took me back home and I beiefly explained the night to Jenn. She nodded her head and went to bed. I relaxed in my room and shed some tears.

My relationship with Jason lasted 5 months and 4 days and we had many long continuous chats like the one that night. I guess he never was able to come to terms with my past. I on the other hand tried my level best to slowly drop the wall arround me. I was not successful tho. I guess looking back at this whole Jason experience, it gave me a oppertunity to try dating outside of what I was so used to a guick wham bam nigth over and over. Yes jason and I had some sex, however like al the nights and tricks on the streets he used protection. I was not going to end up getting a STD. I had vowed to stay STD free and it has workd for me .Jason and I would not remain freinds, he eventually moved off to the coast and I lost contact with him til 1992, then my world changed again.

TO BE CONTINUED

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