Tragedy of the Spirit Part 9 Back to Where it Began or is it.....

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Tragedy of the Spirit part 9 Back to where it Began or is it......

This is maybe not what you think. Maybe it might be. I never went home. I went back to meet Jenn and some of the freinds I knew. I had a slight fear when ia rrived back that I would run into that little creep Adam. I was also affraid I wouold run into my parent. I was frightened actually. I also knew that there was no chance in hell I would go back to that hellhole. I guess in a way I grew up really quickly. I sure had alot of thoughts and feelings about what I was doing and they scared me to to death at times.

I wondered what kind of reception I would have when I went home to see Jenn. She told me I could stay with her. She moved to a better apartment downtown with cheaper rent. She still worked at her job and was taking some courses in mangement.

When I pulled myself off the GreyHound bus at 7 am in the morning after a day and a half of riding the bus. I was tired and needed a meal. She hugged me and welcomed me home. She mentioned to em that I looked worn out and old. I felt I was old. I gained age while on the road. I sure felt like I was in my mid thirties by the time I got myslef settled on her couch that night after we had pizza.

The following day I lounged about, while Jenn went shopping. I was still tired and looked very much like "hell". Trust me I felty like it as well. I hada soaking bath, cleaned up alot, did my laundry which needed it seriously I had stains on my skirts, jacket and tops. I had mentioned to Jenn if I got the gumption I would venture to the bank. I did not as I was awoken by Jenn several hours later. I fell asleep in the tub. How stupid to do that I I hurt even worse that I was when I arrived on the bus. Sheesh. I decided to talk to her about my travles.

( here I will use the Initials of the two people conversing)

J: " I am anxious to hear your stories of your trips"
M: " Very exciting and very painful at times"
J: "What do you mean Painful?"
M: " being raped, and sometimes abused by my clients"

The look on her face was somewhat pale. We continued.

M: " I traveled to five cities, I met alot of people and I had some interesting experiences"
J: "How so?" she asked with concern.
M: "Well, I would be picked up on the corner and takin to a secluded area and was given money. I only charged what I knew I wanted and I guess I was a cheap hooker. I would charge twenty for a BJ, 40 for a fuck and 50 for the both"
Her eyes bulged out when I stated that. She got really concerned with my last statement.

I cut her off before I knew what her question was going to be. " NO i do not have any STD's " I got checked every week by the walk in clinics. I felt a sense of releif come over her when I stated that.
Then she went to ask me if I met any rich guys, I told her about my seventeenth birthday experience with Tony. How he treated me, I mentioned to her about eh infatuation I had with him. I told her that I thought it was more than that. I told her that I was lonely. I cried. I poured my soul to her that night. I told her I questioned my existance on thsi earth. my purpose, my hope, my somewhat desire. I also told her my thoughhts about ending my life as well.

She grew quite concerned and said " DON'T you ever talk shit like that, EVER". " You got out of one situation when you got the hel out of there, do not put yourself in that fucking situation again. I will damned well make sure you do not kill yourself". I got quiet and my tears flowed.

Yes I was scared, anyone would be. I was frightened that I would lose myself in this lifestyle, my future, my freinds. ( what few I had...Just Jenn now and the few I knew off the streets. I also knew I had to seriously decide what I wanted to do. The next morning woke up and left to go to the bank. You see after ever trick I pulled and every night I finished I went and put money in my bank account. I guess you could say a rainy day fund. I just was not sure when or what I would use it for. I was so scared and the physchological had been done. I was damaged goods. I knew it, I beleive Jenn knew it as well. Mind you as I look back she never mentioned it to me. I beleive that she knew I was damaged and I feel that she knew there was no hope for me. I felt as tho I failed her, failed life in general. I failed my parents to live up the there standards. I was in essence damaged and I came to beleive I was not going to be fixed. I continued my hormones and I had a good looking figure , however I was emaciated and need to put some weight on. not a chance. Do not get me wrong here I was not anorexic. i jsut had a high metabolism and I ate what I wanted to. I did look ragged, and old. Shit! I only wish things were different. It was the time of 80' punk rock, short skirts made a comeback, shit I was wearing them all the time. No comeback for me, they were my standard clothing options as were tight tops and heels.

I seriously began to question why I had come back here. I felt that Jenn knew there was something wrong and never touched that subject with me. I stayed with ehr for 2 weeks and broached the subject with ehr. I told her that this was not for me, the rest and relaxation. I had to keep going. I told her that I would end up dead doing this for a living, I told her my fears and my aweful nightmares I had since I was with her again. I never did tell her how I felt about her tho. I loved her like my sister, and I guess she was in a sense. I think she knew it too and we never talked about it.

The following sunday we went for breakfast at A&W and then I was off to the wild west via the GreyHound again. Parts unknown at that time. I just went. I told her that I would call and or write. She asked me to call her and let me know where I ended up.I told her I would.
I set off to my ever ending life on the road and some sort of assemblence to my sanity. I do not think I had sanity nor sense. I guess I failed there as well. Was my life a failure? I think it was as I look back on it then. We had a very tearful good bye at the bus depot. Oh well, I had my meagre belongings. My knapsack was full of my clothes and my journal books I kept with me. I set out. SHIT! When will it be over? Will IT? NOT FUCKING LIKELY?.

I called Jenn and let her know where I was I was in oil country and I tended to like the place. I got a room near the same place as I had before and well i settled in that very night of strolling the corners and bars looking for tricks. A long night and yes a very long five months that would turn out to be for me. I missed Jenn. I wondered as I got back to my small hole in the wall place if I would ever see her again. I whoped that she would do well and not worry about me. I somehow knew that was going to be false. I knew she cared about me. Probably the only one that did then. I struggled with sleep that night and the next night ( actually daytime). M few hours of sleep I did get we few and far between. I was soon back in my routine, sixteen hours a day. making money and selling my ass to get it. I began to feel I was a failure, a nothing, a object of desire for being a trannie. I began to see where I had so much loss and yet I knew this was my life and posible future. A street whore, nobody wanted. No one to properly love me. I was lost, I looked for those few breif moments of love and acceptance while strolling the streets and it was satisfaction. I wondered if I would ever find "true love" "true happiness" as they say.. I began to beleive ...no FUCKING WAY. I was useless as a human being, worthless. I was being used and I actually loved it. I was accepted, I was cared for by the other girls and guys on the corners and in some instances there was a shred of concern from my clients. I had some serious issues . I knew it. I was hopeless.... I was defeated.... I was a loser.... A failure.... I began to beleive there was no help for me. I was in hell and it was the worst kind of hell. I guess you could say I went back to the beginning.....

OR DID I............

TO BE CONTINUED..................

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Comments

Prarie Girl, This Chapter Made Me Cry For You

Jenn was there for you, but you left the comfort of her care for the road. In your journey, I hope that you have found peace my friend.
May Your Light Forever Shine

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Someday......

HI STAN,

Someday I will find that peace I so rightly deserve. I now Jenn was there for me. I let that slide now. However , hindsight is 20/20 right. I messed up. kinda renewed my lack of faith and as a failure then. I wish now I could have turned the clock back to that time. I cannot and I live wth that failure today.

Thank you my freind.

Mellissa

I am sorry that this chapter made you cry. I cried when I wrote it years ago and I shed tears even now when I posted this.

Why?

Why did you have to go through these experiences when so many on earth did not? I dare say that none of those many including myself had the faintest idea of how you and others like yourself had to live. And now we see someone who in many ways has reached a level of understanding and self-forgiveness that exceeds our own.

There's never an answer to that sort of question I suppose, though in your case I'm sure it lies within your human spirit and strength of character - your two most outstanding qualities, the qualities that will bring you to the life that you want .

For reasons I'm not sure I understand your tale always touches me with its compassion.

marie c.

marie c.

Thanks Marie

I guess yu can say that my journey, not just of self discovery, but also some sense of strength. I know for alot of years I wanted to call it quits. I still hold the scars both physically and mentally. I have just tried to adapt to the environment now that has been placed before me. My life has so drastically changed. My outlook on life has changed as well. In some sense I understand whereas others I do not. My Character was when I grew up to be a adult at 15,no child should have to. my strength developed while I was on the streets. I will ever hold all the education I learned there and the harsh and brutal lessons learned. My school smarts have become very secondary. I wish to thank you on your continuous comments as well as concern. I greatly appreciate it.

GOD BLESS

Mellissa

The way out of hell.

Gwen I am assuming that this story is true? Yes or no?

I was beaten severely and often by my stepfather, but never raped by him. I was only raped once. I'd have been too timid to do what has happened in this story. You are indeed fortunate that you have not picked STDs. Don't count on your luck holding.

Out here in Oregon, and I assume most everyone else, there is a street kid outtreach. I don't know how it is done every where else, but here in Portland, there are programs of "At Risk Youth." I once worked for an outfit called "Outsidein" as an volunteer Administrative Assistant.

They took youth up to 26 years old, I think. So, I would suggest that if you ever hope to get out of that life, I'd be gettin' at it.

It has taken me many years to begin to face my abnormal psychology. Looking back, I can see that the way I thought about things was not the way normal people think. My main concern here for you is STD's first and then your own self image. There are people who want to help but only if you want to participate.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep in touch. I will try to help you locate resourses if you like. Many Blessings to you.
Gwen Brown