TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 14 SCHOOL IS IN......

I am sure that everyone must remember there high school days, especially the first one. I know I will and let me tell you it was a nice one. Although I had so many emotions running through my head. Fear, being one of them. I also had alot of anxiety and stress upon which I was not expecting.

*****
For me, this was nothing I had even anticipated, let alone predicted how my first day would be, let alone how my first week would turn out. I find it very ammusing now as I look back at that all important week and the days that followed. Let me begin by saying that the weeks leading up to that week were interesting. Jenn and I spoke often as well as going shopping for notebooks, pens, etc. Well I also have to say that clothes were the top of the list. You see we were all given dress code guidelines at this public high school. well I being the unsure one as to what would be proper and what was not. I bought mini skirts and tank tops as well as heels. Being brought up on the street were heels and boots were standard, there was no chance I knew what sneakers were let alone anything else they had on that silly list ( I still have that list). The code stated, jeans or skirts , tops with adequate sleeves, sneakers or appropriate footwear, minimal makeup for girls , hair adequately styled etc. In my mind it was a pathetic attempt to make us conform to standards, well me I grew up street wise, so conforming was not on the priority list of topics.

*****
The monday prior to the labour day weekend proved to be interesting. I had the usual orientation and meet and greet etc. I was assigned my locker and given my combination. I wore a very tight skirt which was about 3 inches below my private area. I wore modest makeup and hair was in a long braid. I can tell you I garnered alot of looks, some sneers and alot of comments. I met my principal that morning of orientaion, his name was MR. Badham. He was a very tall and handsome man, well over 6 feet 4 and solid build. Short greying black hair and blue eyes. He was hot. My english and home room teacher , MR. heinrichs was short of a man, about 5 feet 7 and grey hair and brown eyes. I later found out he was one of the original teachers at the schol when it opened in the late 1930's, he was old. My other teachers were introduced to me as well and were predominently female except the prvious I have mentioned. We were lead to gather and sign out of class texts and other general items and sign for our lockers and a agreements etc to the lockers etc as far as defacing them was concerned. That was a immediate suspension if we damaged or defaced the school propery. My home room was on the second floor. My locker fortuneately or unfortuneately however one looks at it was 3 in from the home room door..yuck. I had not much choice as to seating as I found out , so I chose the middle seat front row. I was surrounded by the guys on my right and behind me, the girls were on my left. I could tell this was going to be a very interesting and challenging first year. My main objective was to survive the first day then the week. OH JOY.

When my classes began let me tell you what I wore, I had on a short grey mini and black cross top that showed my belly button and my hair was braided and light makup. My heels were not modest either, 3 inch black spike heels.I walked with authority into the school that morning. I laugh now and have some good type memories about that day when I struted into the school. I had a look of "bitch" and you better not mess with me look. I think all movement and noise ceased at 8 am that morning when I opened the doors from the parking lot. All eyes shifted to me. I ignored everyone and headed to the stairs to my locker. What a trip. I was so scared and nervous that my stomache was flipping about like a tidal wave. I know I never showed it on the outside, inside I was scared shitless. My first call went well then it was home room and then english so I never had to switch classes. I felt somewhat relieved at that. I was constantly getting oggled by the guys and they were not suttle looks either..more like lust. I had seen those looks for a long time working the streets, never bothered me in the least. I thought it was flattering. I have to say I loked damn hot. yes I was arrogant and self assured, but scared. This new environment presented alot of dangers for me. I was constantly aware of being found out and beat up or worse. I was very much shy. I was constantly on guard while in school and to this day I still am to a greater extent.

*****
I find it quite ammusing that durring announcements that durring the following week there would be a event called "frosh week" and the crowning of the frosh king and queen. I already had the queen title sowed up and needed no crown to recognize such. That was going to proove interesting. At the end of the week there was going to be a "freshy dance" and all grade nines had to attend. it was mandatory. I thought yeah right, me go to a dance. I didn't know how to dance in the first place, let alone figure out that the girls had to ask the guys to it. Hmmm kinda idiotic if you ask me. I laughed about it when I finished my day. I had so much homework that first day. I am so glad that I was able to stay with Jenn. You see I only lived a shout 15 minute walk from our place to school. The rest of the week went pretty much like the first day, I dressed in short skirts and tops and heels or boots. On the Friday durring home room I was passed a note by MR. Heinrichs to see the principal. I thought 'great, what now'. So I went. This nifty distracton would take me away from english anyway and I knew I was ahead after the first week. I was given my reading assignment for the semester.."hamlet", a so called clssic, whose standards is this classic.

Upon entering the office I was told to take a seat and the principal would be with me shortly. I just sighed and sat on a old bench. I was called in to Mr. Badham's office and told to take a seat. he looked very stern and authoritarian. In my mind he still looked hot. Come on girls we all had crushes on teachers and principals. Anyhow, he paused before he spoke.

MR. B. " hmmm, you are in violation of the dress code here young lady"

Me " I am wearing which is comfortable to me" was my reply.

MR.B. "It clearly states jeans and or skirts below the knees, as well as sneekers." he was looking directly at my legs while he stated this.

Me " well I am abiding to the rules and I do not own a pair of sneakers, I never have owned a pair in my life and I would not begin to know how they would feel." I uncrossed my long legs and just smiled. I knew I was flirting, did I care ,no way.

He then asked me about my life upon which I explained to him and where I am at right now attending school instead of continuing my lifestyle. I can tell you this he was shocked and dismayed at my bluntness.

After about 90 minutes he dismissed me by requestion that I purchase sneakers and wear jeans as it was going to get colder out. I raised my brow at that and snickered. Cold, whatever, you get used to the weather in short skirts and tops and light jackets in -40 weather and colder with the windchill. ( if anyone has experienced a Canadian winter you know what I am talking about). he gave me a hall pass so I would not be marked late for my next class. I strutted into that class and took my seat. all eyes were on me when I entered. I thought ' I still have control of boys who want to be or try to be like me' not likely..laughing inside at this generalization. The day went much slower than I wanted it to I sat at lunch against the old trees and read and caught up on homework. Everyone was either curious about me or jsut avoided me like I was a disease or something because I kept getting stared at or raped by a set of eyes. I was so glad when I walked home that day.

*****
My dismay came the following week, tuesday after classes. I should mention I did tone my dress abit, I worse skin tight jeans and tank tops with a jean jacket over my top. My navel still showed and I never did wear sneakers. sheesh. always wore heels shows off the legs very nicely. I was placing my texts in the locker and grabiing others to take home wit me, when this guy Vaughn appraoched my locker and said "Hi". I returned the sentiment "Hi". It did not take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was going to ask me. I palyed the game.

Vaughn " My freinds were wondering if you would like to attend a party after the dance this weekend" he had a cockey attitude when he asked maybe nervous as well.

Me " no I do not think so, as I have plans anyway, and I will be leaving about 1 hour into the dance anyways, so that you for asking". Had to be polite , it was a nice gesture.

vaughn " We would really appreciate it if you could party with us after the dance we are going to the valley and party is going to be good." He was starting to annoy me a bit by this persistance.

Me " I do not think so , the offer is nice, so thank you". I knw what they wanted and well it was not going to work, sp I played my bitch card to the max. I went on to tell him " look Vaughn, I do not want to go and even if I did want to you and your "little" freinds could not afford me, oh yeah and your dad's and grand dads either, so the answer is still NO".
The look on his face was priceless. he looked utterly shocked at my statement. I grabbed my books and locked my locker and started for the stair case. He looked so pathetic and still dumbfounded stareing at me and dejected. I on the other hand smiled and left.

Needless to say the following morning in home roomwas a interesting event. You culd hear a pin drop.I knew exactly what they were talking about...ME, god I was getting the hang of this pathetic school yard inmaturity. I for one was not going to paly their silly games. I have been through way to much to play games. Firstly I was way more mature than these kids and secondly I considered myself a adult. My life did not seem so lame now and my confidence grew as did my self esteem. All through the next week up til the dance every time I went by the guys they would shut up. I just laughed. The girls snicckered and some appraoched me and let me know that it was good to put them in line. There were al sorts of rumors floating about. I was a hight class call girl, a prostitute who had a big pimp to protect me. of how dumb they were. Prostitute was correct, pimp not on there lives. I should correct my self herte and say ex prostitute. I gave up that style after I saw and witnessed the horror earlier in these chapters. I jsut shook my head and smiled inwardly.

Do not get me wrong here, I was very much affraid and nervous, sure there were a few bouts of hilarity in that first week. it never diminished the reality I was alone and felt in danger, especially if my secret got out. I had all forged ID when I entered school , so that was also a huge risk I took. I was 19 when I would get all the illegal ID to legal ID. I did go to the dance and did leave soon after to attend my homework. I became a studious individual throughout my highschool years. The rest of that first semester felw by and eventually the rumor mil ceased to exist arround me and I was ignored, I was eccstatic about that. I stated to make some acquaintances and some would eventually be my freinds at a later time in my life. I was still very guarded and very protective of my life and my choices. I was always haunted at night of my abuse at home and my time on the street. I was damaged goods, My slate was written on and there was no way to erase it, no matter how hard I tried. I guess the failures of the system to protect those that needed to be protected. My marks were sufficient at quarter and at end of semester that I had no doubts I was going to somehow make it. All my marks were high 80' and low 90's. Not too shabby for a street smart educated individual. I was told I was a failure and would not ammount too much. I laugh at those dumb comments made by my "father". I guess I had something to prove not to him, to myself. I think at that time I did prove myself right and chose the path I needed to. Jenn was a huge support to me (GOD BLESS HER). In my heart I knew I was not going to fail anymore and chose the path I needed to make it in this world.

*****

The nightmares continued and so did my sessions I enrolled in with the abuse line in the city. I felt it was needed at the request of my doctors and I was placed on a better equalization dose of estrogen and my hormones started to blance out considerably. By the time HS began I was a 34c and comfortable with those on my 5'11 frame. I was still 135 and rail thin, however it suited me. A statuesque body and I was lusted after. experience I gained was a hinderence as well as a benefit for me. I feel I came along way, and still have a long road ahead of me. I owe alot of credit to Jenn. She stuck with me and really never gave up, she genuinely loved and cared for me. I certainly did and we became sisters.
I grew alot and wished I had a childhood to enjoy the things children enjoy growing up, I wish I could turn the clock back, as I look back now, I would not change a thing, except maybe one. I was given to a family that genuinely cared for me and was willing to protect me and love me unconditionally. i guess a life lesson here and one to cherish, not pleasant to say the least but one that will be a lesson. A life was not wasted , but nutured by myself and grew to be appreciated. I will say this over and over again to those I have met and have known. I will value my street smarts education over any book smart eduaction I had, 100 fold, no arguement,enuff said.........

TO BE CONTINUED

*** DEDECATED TO JENN S (APRIL 11TH 1961 TO FEBRURARY 23RD 2000) GOD BLESS YOU JENN,LOVE YOU SISTER OF MINE.

COPYWRITE 2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64