A Christmas Diary
Part 7

Do you think of yourself as a girl? How about when you're kissing? If you're my girlfriend how can I be yours? Too many questions, just...

Ask for Tammy
  

Tom's Christmas Diary

By Little Katie

Part Seven: Ask for Tammy

This is still a fun write, and I hope a fun read. There is some ease to writing this style, I don't have to do a lot of dialogue, like someone said in a comment. But dialogue is my strength, so I am really losing that. The difficulty is writing down the events from one point of view and trying to get the tone and emotion the right way. Remember everything you read and here are from Tommy's point of view and how he interprets others actions.

Wednesday January 1st. It's 2003. Can you believe that. A whole New Year is coming up. I'm glad the last one is over with. But I don't know myself any more, I think. Mrs. Diary, mom's gift might of gone way out of what it was suppose to. I got to tell you the whole story, so you understand and can see my problem. Anyway my Aunt says writing makes you see your problem clear if you are honest and don't leave nothing out. Here it goes.

Mom and I went out to that party. The one that Glenn and Alexis and Paul were going to be at. I thought it was going to be a bunch of fruitcups so it wouldn't matter if people knew I was a fruitcup too. First off the place we went to was real nice, like high class nice. It had a big dance floor and there was about 50 to 100 people there I bet.

Okay so my mom and I walk in. The heels weren't even hurting. I stayed by mom for the first hour. They kept making me drinks. They were like real drinks but without the bad stuff in them. The only real drink I was allowed to have was write at midnight. Well they are called virgins, any time I wanted one I could just ask, you didn't have to pay nothing.

Glenn was there and he told me how cute I look. I thanked him but told him not to take pictures. He laughed and said he would ask first. I told him he could whenever he liked but it was a meen trick that he showed me the other ones and made me believe it was a real girl.

Well after an hour or so this boy came over and asked me to dance. I was like yikes, he must think I'm a girl. Mom and glenn and Alexis said go ahead and have fun. Well this boy was a sophmore in high school and he was 16 just 2 days earlier. He wrestles too, and he drives an old ford muscle car. He was cute. I mean, if I was really a girl I would find him cute, I guess.

Well we were dancing, it was really really fun. I mean even more fun then dancing with my mom. Glenn even took pictures, he told me after I was done. Well this boy, his name is Vince, isn't that a cool name. Well we was dancing and you could feel he had lots of muscles. I told him I was 11 and still 3 weeks away from being 12.

He said he wouldn't tell anyone if I didn't. He said I was the cutest girl here. Well, there weren't many kids here for him to chose from. There were like 8 other girls and 3 of them were younger and the others had boy friends. Well I think they did cause I only saw them with one boy all night.

Dancing with another boy wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. But, here is the problem, I was really liking it. I don't know why, I think dresses make you think really stupid stuff. But, I was dancing and forgot all about not being a real girl but just a pretend one for mom.

Well, after dancing he took me out on the balcony. It was chilly out there and he put his coat on me. He is really a nice boy. Maybe when this is over we can be friends but I doubt it. He pointed out some of the constilations, he is learning it in school, I told him all I was learning was pre algebra and grammar. He said it gets better. I laughed and smiled. High school is far away I still need to get passed this year.

Well after being outside for a little we went in and do a slow dance. I don't know why but I put my head on his chest. I kind of liked that too, I think something might really be wrong with me. Why would I like something like that. Well after a slow dance we went down to his car. His parents came in a limo but he wanted to drive he said. His car is really cool and all leathery smelling.

We sat in his car to just talk, but part of me was nervous because maybe he would think I was a real girl and try to get fresh. I told My mom and Glenn and Paul where I would be, first. My fear was he would try to get fresh, then find out I wasn't a girl, then he would kill me and I would deserve it. But he didn't try to get fresh. He was a very nice boy. I sat on my side and he sat on his. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I almost BARFED. I just said no, he said it was hard to find that first one. He then asked if I was allowed to have one. I said I didn't know, because I never asked mom if I was allowed, not even for a girlfriend. He said fair enough.

We spent some time just chatting about nothing, it was real nice though, we didn't chat like two boys do about nothing and telling disgusting jokes. I got to know him, that's why I know he wrestles, he's going to win the olympics one day. He invited me to watch him. I might go as tommy when this is all over, he probably won't notice me. It was nice to be asked, he even said please. I said I would try and that made him smile. He took me back up to the party, we talked for almost an hour. I never talked to a boy for an hour about serious stuff.

Well at 11:30. I remember the time exactly. I was sitting in a chair after another dance, and now my feet were a little hurting. Vince said that at midnight after the toast it was a tradition to kiss the person your with. I didn't want to tell him, but I think it would have been wrong to have him kiss a boy without him knowing. And with so many people there I wouldn't get my butt kicked for that long.

I told him, I need to tell you something first. He said á«that your not all girl yet.' I said á«yeah how did you know.' He said that paul told him about you and that he didn't mind one bit and he thought I was cute anyway. I asked him if he was gay. I don't know why I asked, I guess I was so off guard it just came out. He laughed and said no, he just likes the pretty people girl or not.

Well I don't know why I did it, but I told him he could kiss me. That was such a big mistake. Well midnight came and I had spent the whole time with vince. We were counting down and hit 2003 and we clinked our glasses and drank some champain.

Then it happened, it kind of makes me sad to think about it.

He leaned over and kissed me right on the lips. Not a little baby kiss, but a real grown up kiss. Here is the problem though, I didn't hate it. I should of hated it right, I mean if I am normal. It wasn't like a gross make out kiss either, it was a real kiss, but nice and sweet and I THINK I LIKE IT. I can't like it, can I?

We danced again and I was like in shock. My mom saw too, she was like I guess you really liked that boy. I said I guess so, I don't know. She asked if I liked the kiss, I didn't answer and just blushed and buried my head. I think that made things worst. How could I like being kissed by a boy. Can it be the stupid dress. I don't know. I hope so.

Well after the dance me and vince sat down. He thanked me and asked for my number. I gave it to him and my email addresses to. He asked who should I ask for, I told him ask for tammy. I don't know why, I just did. It wasn't even bad to think oh him thinking of me as tammy. Maybe I'm going nuts.

He gave me his aol name too and phone number. It was a good thing I had the purse with me or I would of lost the paper. I woke up this morning and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I woke up and remembered what I did last night and just started crying like a pansy. What's wrong with me?

My Mom came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her. She said am I crying because I kissed a boy. For some reason I told her the truth and said no, I think I liked it. Then I started crying more. She said it was a part of finding myself. But who or what am I? Am I really a fruit cake, like Glenn and Paul.

Maybe it is just the dress. I kind of get into things to far when I am pretending. Once I played d &d for a few months and started learning how to sword fight for real. Maybe I just get to into things. Yeah that's it. I'm like probably going to be a real famous actor because I can play a lot of roles and get into them. I'm not a fruitcake, I'm just a real good actor. So I'm normal, and very talented. I hope.

Anyway, mom got to work tonight and I am going to go by my Aunt's and we are going to pick up Sam and spend the evening together. Thanks for listening Mrs. Diary, you've been a big help. Kiss, Kiss.

---

Thursday, January 2nd, Hi Mrs Diary. It's another day and like I promised I am still writing to you.

I don't know if I feel better or worst about everything that has happened. I mean is it so terrible that I liked the kiss, probably. I mean it is just that I take things to far I think and maybe I took this being a girl for christmas to far. So maybe it's not really me doing all this fruitiful stuff, just this character I'm playing. I read that sometimes actors get so into roles that they live them out until they finish shooting the movie. So basically, I'm not a fruit, I just got to wait until the game is over. I hope. I think. I don't know. It's only a few more days anyways.

Okay, my day. Last night I went by aunt Jan's with Sam. Hey they both got 3 letters in there name and they kind of ryme, cool. Okay, I told sam and my aunt everything that happened at the party. I meen everything, even the kissing. We were all giggling about it and they were making fun jokes about it.

It's different when girls make jokes. When boys make jokes, its usually to hurt your feelings and make you feel sad. When girls make jokes they are doing it to make you feel better and happy. Maybe it's the way they say things, but I was having a lot of fun. Even if it was about me being a fruit. I mean I didn't say that to them, but I was thinking it sometimes. Sometimes I didn't think it, and I was just happy with myself. I just felt like Tammy.

That kind of worries me that sometimes I forget I'm a boy. I can't find anything online about it, I don't know where to start looking. Okay, anyway, so we had a long talk session, then Sam and I went into my room at my aunt's. First off she was allowed to spend the night, she wore one of my nities.

But we got in the room and we started talking about the kiss again. She hasn't kissed anyone so I beat her to it. I said it was nice. Then I started to cry. I told her it scared me I liked it. She hugged me and said everyone gets scared the first time. I don't think she realizes that I didn't meen I was scared I kissed, but that I was scared because I kissed a boy and liked it kind of.

Well then I said I didn't know if vince liked it back. I never kissed before and I don't know if I did it right. That's when it happened. Sam said lets practice and we kissed each other. I couldn't believe it. I liked that to. I liked it the same way I liked Vince's kiss. We both agreed it was real nice and practiced more.

Then she said á«see I'm not scared or sad.' I told her á«but you didn't kiss another girl.' She said á«Yes I did, I kissed you, TAMMY.' I said á«well if you think I'm a girl, why did you kiss me.' She said á«it's okay for girls to kiss for practice, a lot do it.' I was like wow, I never heard of 2 boys practicing kissing.

I wonder if girls do that all the time together. I didn't ask. I know me and sam practiced kissing 5 times. The last 3 I did thinking in my head I was Tammy. Kissing a girl is way different then kissing a boy. It's a lot softer and slower.

After we finished all our kissing I asked if she was my girlfriend, she said yes, and I'm hers. I said á«I'm your boyfriend?' She said á«no,you're my girlfriend too, were girlfriends.' What's that mean, is she a lesbo or something. How can I be her girlfriend I'm not really a girl. It's been driving me nuts all day. How are we both girlfriends.

Anyway, We went to bed and got under the covers with a flashlight. That's fun. I asked her if she really sees me as tammy or as tommy pretending. She said really as tammy. I asked her how?. She said it wasn't very hard to see me as tammy her bestest girlfriend. I wonder if she throwed that last part in to drive me nuts.

I said you know I go back to tommy on Monday. She said she knew and that she will be tommy's friend still but not like as close as she is with Tammy. Is this girl fruitloops or what. We are the same person. Why is she driving me nuts for.

Okay this morning we woke up and made pancakes. Little baby pancakes, not the real big ones like mom and I made. Cooking is fun, I think I won't give that up when I go back to normal. We didn't even make a mess and they tasted really really good with strawberry syrup.

After we took Sam to her house and I went to watch Tonya. I'm glad that Glenn and Alexis thinks I'm responsible enough to watch her. It's a lot of fun too and not hard. She loves me and doesn't fuss or cry. I hope she don't mistake tammy and tommy for 2 different people. I like when I rock her to sleep, it still gives me the warm fuzzies all over. I think I would make a good mother. I mean, you know, if I was a real girl, I would.

After I was done I walked home. I was skipping. GROSS. I don't know what came over me to make me do it. No one even looked at me funny for doing it. Mom really liked my dress today. It's a white floral dress with a kind of bib thingy at the top. I curtsyed mom. A curtsy is like a bow for a girl, it is hard to do. That's because girls don't like doing anything simple. Well, mom and I are going to cook dinner now. Night night Mrs. Diary.

---

We have arrived at the climax. There is a lot of inner conflict that our main character is going through. Where my previous story, a lot of the conflict was external, in this story most of it is internal. But where does it end, and how? Why don't you tell me in a comment and who knows what ideas will spawn?