"Don't worry Cathy, I'm too bloody old anyway, I'd probably need Viagra which would give me a heart attack, and serve me right. So, then you'd have to run the project on your own and I couldn't leave you to do that."

"Thank you for that," I smiled back.

"Well I don't want it cocked up, do I? My reputation is riding on this."

Easy As Falling Down A Lift Shaft,
by: Gravity Girl
part: (32ft/sec)squared.

We got back to the office and Pippa went off to make coffee and tea and I followed the professor into his office. "Nice girl," he observed of his temp secretary.

"I think she is married," I said and looked away.

"Don't worry Cathy, I'm too bloody old anyway, I'd probably need Viagra which would give me a heart attack, and serve me right. So, then you'd have to run the project on your own and I couldn't leave you to do that."

"Thank you for that," I smiled back.

"Well I don't want it cocked up, do I? My reputation is riding on this."

"Gee thanks, and there was me beginning to think you cared."

"Well if you can't look after a bloody field mouse...."

"Dormouse, please!"

"All bloody vermin," his eyes were twinkling and I kicked myself, he'd done it again.

"You are a tw.." I was interrupted by Pippa entering with the drinks.

"There are loads of phone calls, some of them are about dormice, there's one from Simon saying, 'He saw the clip with the dormouse and was on his way to help you find it.' One from Des Lane, saying 'He has an outline proposal which the BBC seem happy to go with.' Someone wants you to do a talk to a school, and take a dormouse if you can. There are one or two from other universities as well regarding the project. I'll type them all up and you can decide who deals with what."

"Just like old times, eh Prof?" I smirked, "Being bossed around by a woman."

"Don't you start, you're not practising the black arts on me, so you'll be an expert by the time you get married. Practise on Simon, then he'll have a chance to protect himself."

"Huh!" I pretended to be ignorant of what he was saying, "Li'l ol' me, black arts?" I batted my eyelids at him.

"Bugger off!" he said back, "Go and do some work."

"Yes boss, straight away boss, what would you like me to do?"

"Go and feed those tree rats of yours," he waved me away.

"Der's more dan tree of dem," I said in a poor Irish accent, and he spat coffee all over his desk. At this point I fled, taking my tea with me.

Spike was fast asleep, doubtless exhausted from this morning and her ordeal with the cameras and my deodorant. I examined my blouse, there was a definite stain, I hoped it would wash out, bloody dormice!

Dan had left me a DVD of the dormouse episode, yes it was as awful and funny as I dreaded it being. Oh well it will get replays all around the world, whenever I do a talk or give a paper, I'll be the woman the dormouse hopped down the blouse of. Still if it stops them thinking, I'm the transsexual who had a dormouse looking for my nuts! Oh God, I hope no one thinks of that - I'll just curl up and die.

I was doing some emails when Pippa came down to my lab. "I've brought you your list and some more tea. I've never been down here before, can I see the dormice?"

"I don't know, you have to be vetted by the RSPCA and the college ethical committee, these are extremely valuable animals who are kept in a sterile environment, so they are uncontaminated by humans."

"So that's a 'no' then?" she shrugged.

"Don't be silly, just joking. They're probably all asleep, they're nocturnal, and the only one who is used to handling is Spike, the one who starred in the press conference this morning."

"Did it really jump down your blouse?"

I nodded, "Not only that but she left me a little message too," I showed Pippa the stain. She of course laughed and I made a thing of frowning.

"If you're not careful, I'll tell her to attack. One of the technicians only has three fingers, where she savaged him."

Pippa looked at me as I told this blatant lie, it was total nonsense but she wasn't sure about it at all. Dormice can nip you, but I haven't met a carnivorous one yet.

When I took Spike out, Pippa was a little nervous about holding her. "Here, give her a hazel nut, she'll be too busy to eat you."

"She is so small, I always thought they were bigger. Ooh she's tickling my hand. Coo, look at her tiny little hands."

People who are not familiar with animals which have hand-like paws, many of the rodents do, holding food up to their mouths like we do, so all sorts of anthropomorphic comments get made. And yes dormice are very cute, unless you get some of the edible ones in your house and they eat through your wiring or strip wallpaper, then householders don't find them quite so cute. Mind you that's only near Tring, elsewhere you have to rely on grey squirrels do do it, or the odd house mouse or even a rat. Would people make such friendly comments if the animal sat on their hand was a brown or black rat? I very much doubt it.

Spike made short work of getting at the kernel of the nut, and I put her back in her cage, she felt quite fat, she should be on her diet, I would be!

I held the empty shell for Pippa, "See the way it's rough on the outside edges and smooth inside?"

"Oh yes,"

"A fail safe way of identifying dormice in the area."

"Really?"

"Absolutely, here you can have that, show it to the kids, now you're an expert."

"I don't think I'll ever be that," she said blushing, "and having seen you in action, I know I won't."

"What do you mean?" I was puzzled.

"I saw the video of you talking to the press, you're a natural."

"Natural what, though, that's the question?"

"Don't keep on about that, it's being sorted. You should be on telly doing animal programmes, like what's his name Attenborough?"

"Yeah, someone said that this morning."

"Des somebody or other, he's phoned again. Wants you to call him urgently."

"What for, most sensible dormice are fast asleep in hibernation now. So he can hardly film them, they sleep half the year away."

"What about, Spike, is it? How come she doesn't?"

"She's adapted to living in an artificial world where there is plenty of food and constant temperatures, she wouldn't survive in the wild, too imprinted on humans."

"So are all these here for their naturals?"

"The ones in here are, but the babies they have we move and they are handled as little as possible, and allowed to act naturally. They have been going out into a site which lost its dormice about four years ago. They've been doing alright for the last two, plenty of food and cover, as long as we don't have any weasels or squirrels find 'em, they should do okay."

"Squirrels kill dormice?"

"Grey ones will and eat small birds or steal eggs. Real pests, but very cute looking ones. But then so are deer, they can damage trees and eat as much grass as a sheep. Bambi is a pest in numbers."

"I'd never thought of it like that, gosh working here is so interesting."

"It can be, sometimes it's boring too, like dealing with Grumpy's project. I'm a field biologist pushing bits of paper around." I shrugged my shoulders, the project was after all a huge fieldwork exercise.

"Can I ask you something?" Usually when someone asks that they want to know about me. I prepared myself for an embarrassing question. I nodded. "Can I bring my kids in to see the dormice one day? They'd love it."

I hope my sigh of relief wasn't too audible, "Yes of course you can. Have a look at the rota, and when I'm in on a weekend, come in then. If Spike is okay, they may be able to have her sit on their hand, that's when they remember."

"Oh great," she said exitedly, "thanks so much for the guided tour."

Part of me felt good, I love showing off what I do, but I also love showing people the animals that they never see because they aren't looking for them. When you see their faces light up, then you know they've really learned something they won't forget. Oh they'll forget the data I give them, size 6-9cms, weight, that sort of stuff, goes in one ear and out the next. But they remember Spike sitting on their hands, and it tickled.

I picked up my list of jobs. I dialled and held the phone to my ear, "Hello, can I speak to Des Lane? Yes, Cathy Watts from Portsmouth Uni. Thanks I'll hold."

I listened to the overture from the Marriage of Figaro, I'd heard worse on phone lines.

"Hello, Des Lane here."

"Hi, it's Cathy Watts, we met this morning."

"Oh yeah, great you could call back. Can we get together sometime? When I saw my overlords at the Beeb, they were excited by the campaign you're going to be running and think it's a brill idea to have you fronting the prog."

"They do?" I croaked in shock.

"Yeah, I showed them the DVD your technician did, which is brilliant plus the film I shot, for their news bulletin. I'm afraid you're gonna see that dormouse hop down your jumper a bit longer yet, it's on the news tonight."

"I'm not doing fancy tricks with them, if that's what they want they can prosecute someone else. I've got a licence to handle them. They're protected you know."

"Don't worry Cathy, I know. Look can we get together sometime?"

"Yes, I'll be in Bristol on friday."

"What this coming friday?"

"Yes."

"Wow, ask and it shall be given," he said to himself. "Fancy a bike ride?"

"What sort of bike are we talking?"

"Road, MTB, unicycle....."

"I'll settle for the first if that's okay, I need the exercise."

"Okay, I'll look forward to it. Wow!"

"I'll call you thursday evening or friday morning." I offered.

"Great, yeah, great." He sounded so excited, couldn't think why.

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