The snowball hit me almost full on my face. It was cold and it hurt but I wasn’t about to cry in front of this lot.

The local kids were not all that nice to those of us who lived in the home and I, in particular, seemed to be singled out for special treatment at school and even out of school like now.

What I did do was turn my back and start walking down the steep hill leading to the town, ignoring the taunts of gay boy, fag and other nice remarks about my gender and parentage.

I was due back at the home anyway. Being off school because of the poor weather meant that the kids in the town were out and about and in many cases looking for trouble.

It was cold, too cold for me. I wasn’t wearing what you would call warm weather clothing. You would have thought that the home would run to some decent winter clothing, but what with cutbacks, bla-di-bla-di-bla–

As I shuffled through the snow, I wondered, not for the first time, why I was ever born and whether it was worth going on for much longer.

My Dad died when I was one year old and my mum couldn’t cope so I was put in a home when I was five. She then promptly fell under a bus after having three too many drinks evidently, and there was, little orphan Joey.

So I was sent to a number of foster homes and then a couple of children’s homes until I landed in the one I was at present. I’m 13 now and look about eleven as I am small and thin– weedy some kids call me–and I suppose that I stuck out like a sore thumb compared to the other ‘more normal’ kids.

Normal kids do not think that they are a girl, well girls do, but...well you know what I mean. I was born as a bouncing baby boy but would have much preferred to be a bouncing baby girl. Ever since I knew the differences between boys and girls–and living in mixed children’s homes you get to know the difference– I realised that I wasn’t normal, for a boy, that is. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to dress as a girl, play with the girls and do everything that they did. No I was stuck in boy mode and told that I shouldn’t be stupid. I would grow out of it and no Joey, you can’t put that dress on.

So much for an enlightened authority that prided itself on being politically correct and proud about doing the ‘right thing’. Well they must have torn the page out regarding people like me when they thought about transgendered kids. That’s what I was, transgendered, well that was I was according to the internet anyway, and as everyone knows, you can learn a lot from the internet, not all of it very wholesome.

Devon is a nice place to visit and when it isn’t cold, wet or snowy, it’s really rather nice. But this was a long way from summer and my feet were getting colder in my shoes as my socks gradually got wetter and wetter. In addition to this, my ears were getting frozen and I was glad that I would be home soon.

Well I suppose it was home, but it didn’t feel much like it at the moment. The home had ten bedrooms a sort of lounge and play room, a large kitchen and three bathrooms. Outside was a sort of wooden shed structure where we kids could go and play table tennis and other stuff that required more room.

The garden was about two acres, so there was plenty of places for boisterous children to run about or in my case go away and hide, when the weather wasn’t like this, anyway.

Up until about three months previously, it hadn’t been too bad. Mr and Mrs Jones had been the home parents and they were nice people but getting on a bit. They were a bit stick in the mud and strong on discipline but they were fair and I didn’t have many complaints other than the fact that they, like everyone else, thought that I shouldn’t keep trying to be and act like a girl. Also it didn’t help that I had a plumbing problem and wet the bed, but I wasn’t the only one to do that.

There was a boy’s dormitory and one for the girls on the next flight up. There were absolutely no chances for me to dress as a girl in private. I had a very small stash of girls’ clothes hidden in the cellar behind some packing cases and other junk. When I could, I went down there and tried a few things on. Luckily, for some reason the cellar had a bolt on the inside and I always slipped it across before I did a quick change and put on a skirt and blouse or my one single dress. These clothes I had taken from the rubbish bins. Of course that meant that they were hardly new, but I was thankful for what I could get.

I could see the house ahead now. It had started to rain instead of snow and that, if anything made me feel colder in my thin coat and I pulled the collar up and trudged on towards the lights.

Things changed when the Jones’s retired and a new couple came in. Mike and Laura Parminter were younger, more energetic and seemed to be nice people. The other kids liked them and so did I at first. They knew about me and seemed interested in getting me to see a doctor about my ‘condition’ as they strangely called it, but nothing much had been done, despite my continually asking them about it, except a brief trip to a doctor two years before.

You may be wondering what the other children thought about this strange boy who wanted to be a girl. Well I never told anyone about it, but they just got to know. I often had snide remarks from the girls and the boys were a bit nasty about it, especially the older ones. A couple of times I had been beaten up in the past and that meant that I withdrew into my own little world and no one was really interested in me anymore. I had no friends, I did have one, Simon, but he was put up for adoption and managed to get out.

That was a rarity, adoption, I mean. Plenty of couples wanted to have children but many were put off by the red tape and the hoops they had to go through to get them. Also babies and young children were more favoured, rather than kids older than say ten or eleven with gender and plumbing problems.

I opened the squeaky gate and walked up the path. I would probably get told off for going out without permission, but the house mum and dad weren’t around earlier and anyway, I didn’t live in a prison, did I?

Thinking about my house parents and in particular Mike, there was something about him that I didn’t like. He sometimes gave me a strange look and was about to say something and then seemed to change his mind. Maybe I was being paranoid so I tried to ignore it but occasionally my flesh crept when I was around him.

I rang the bell on the front door and a few seconds later it was opened.

‘Where the hell have you been?’ asked an annoyed looking Mike.

‘I went for a walk.’

‘Without telling anyone?’

‘Sorry, you weren’t about; I wasn’t going to be long.’

‘You know the rules; always let us know where you are. I nearly called the police out.’

‘Sorry,’ I mumbled as I walked across the threshold and into the hall.

‘Well, all right just don’t do it again.’

I took off my coat and hung it on my peg. I noticed that there were no other coats there and the place was strangely quiet.

‘Where is everyone?’ I asked.

‘What?’ said Mike as he walked across the hallway on the way to the office.

Where is everyone?’

‘They have gone to the cinema. If you had been here, you could have gone.’

‘No one said anything.’

‘You should look on the board, it’s all there.’

‘Oh,’ I said, a bit deflated. I remembered now, we always went to the cinema on the night before Christmas Eve, one of the few treats that the strapped for cash council allowed us.

I turned away.

‘Oh, Joey.’

I hated my name, Joe, Joey, Joseph, I much preferred my girls name, Hannah.

‘Yes?’

‘About you little problem.’

‘Problem?’

He looked annoyed for a second and then ploughed on.

‘This notion that you think that you are a girl...’

‘I am a girl!’

‘So you say. Anyway, evidently, there is a lot of red tape involved before you even get to see a psychiatrist–you did see one two years ago and he wasn’t convinced about you. In any case, you are not considered as an urgent case now. Anyway, as its Christmas, not much will happen until the New Year. The general consensus is still that you will grow out of it.’

‘How do they know that, they haven’t even seen me?’

‘They did before and anyway experience shows that many children go through phases like this and grow out of it...’

‘So you are an expert are you and I bet that’s what you said to them when you told them about me.’

‘Don’t talk to me like that Joey. I won’t let any fag...I mean child speak to me like that. Remember your position here.’

‘ So I’m a fag am I?’ I said, feeling myself grow hot.

‘I...I didn’t mean that, it slipped out. You are a confused boy who needs putting right; it’s for your own good.’

I looked at him and realised that my first impressions of him were correct, he was not what I would call a nice man.

I said no more as I knew that arguments with adults wouldn’t be of any help to me now, especially this one.

I went upstairs to the dormitory and then over to my bed. Sitting down, I thought about what Mike had said. According to the net, people like me were being dealt with more fairly and my problems weren’t unique, but it seemed to me that the way I was being treated bucked that trend. I may have only been 13, but I was intelligent and knew what I was.

Two years before I had seen a doctor and I was so tongue tied and frightened of my own shadow, I hadn’t been able to explain myself fully. He was a big man with a rather loud voice and he scared me. Maybe I should have seen a woman doctor and she might have been more sympathetic and may have been able to bring me out a bit more.

I sighed, this was all in the past and I had to look to the future, if I ever had one. A few tears coursed down my cheeks and I did nothing to wipe them away.

I looked up as the door opened and Mike came in. He walked over to me, he was carrying a bag.

‘You’ve been crying.’

‘Yes,’ I sniffed.

‘I’m sorry if I told you off. It was just that I was concerned about you. It’s my job to keep you safe.’

He seemed to conveniently forget that he called me a fag, but I wasn’t about to start another argument.

He sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders.

‘Look, we haven’t got off on the right foot, have we? I understand that you have problems and I will try to help you.’

‘Will you?’ I said hopefully, although I was feeling uncomfortable with him holding me like that and in such close proximity.

‘Yes, I could give another report to the authorities to say that you indeed are more like a girl than a boy, but I think that I would need to see you dressed like a girl and that would help me in my report.’

‘I haven’t got any girls clothes,’ I said–not wanting to tell him about my little stash of very used clothes in the cellar.

‘Yes well, I thought about that.’ He bent down and picked up the bag and handed it to me.

‘Put these on and then I can see what you look like.’

I must have been desperate and clutching at yet more straws as I took the clothes and then went into the bathroom to change.

It was the work of moments to take off my boys’ things and get into the clothes provided. He had even put in a pair of pink panties and a bra. There was a short skirt and a pink satin top–not exactly the height of fashion for a thirteen year old but still, this is what I had so I made the most of it. I didn’t bother with the bra; I had nothing to put in it. After slipping on the panties–they felt nice and free after my padded pull ups–I quickly pulled up the skirt and put on the top. At the bottom of the bag were some new black tights and shoes with two inch heels. One again, these didn’t seem quite right for me, but this was what he wanted and I was in the zone, so to speak and I wanted to make the right impression.

I pulled up the tights, they were a bit big but I managed somehow to remove the wrinkles, they were very sheer but felt nice and then slipped on the shoes.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw that I was very pretty in my opinion but not very nice. What I mean by that is that I looked a bit cheap; the sort of thing a girl would wear when on the make. I had seen the TV and surfed the internet and I wasn’t as green as I looked. Remember I was thirteen, but I was small and looked more like eleven and what I was wearing was not very age appropriate.

The clothes just didn’t suit me and I wasn’t very happy with the idea of going outside and letting him see me like that.

‘Are you ready yet?’ I heard Mike call from outside.

‘Erm the clothes don’t really go well on me,’ I answered.

‘Never mind that, it’s just to give me an idea as to what you look like as a girl. Don’t be shy–oh and take your hair out of the pony tail, you have long hair, you ought to show it off.’

I didn’t like the sound of his voice, it sounded– I wasn’t sure–hungry?

I sighed and did as I was told and took the band off my hair and shook it loose. I forget the endless argument that I had had over my hair. I liked it long for obvious reasons and the authorities wanted me to cut it. I had managed to get out of it up to now, but it had been a long hard slog to get it to the length it was–down to and just touching my shoulders.

I had a brush and comb by my sink and I picked up the brush and played with my hair for bit, making it look a bit more girlie. It was nice how my hair now shaped my face making me look more like the real me.

After I had finished, I stepped back and had a good look at myself. I tried to pull down the skirt, it was very short. The blouse was short too and barely covered my belly button and no matter what I did, there was a small area of skin exposed where it didn’t meet the top of my skirt.

I had no idea where he had purchased the clothes, but it was obvious to me that he hadn’t a clue as to what a young girl like me would wear.

‘Are you ready yet?’

He sounded impatient.

‘Coming,’ I called. I wondered when the others would be back. I also wondered where the helpers were. There were three assistants that worked during the day at the home. Maybe they were supervising the other kids at the cinema?

One last look in the mirror and I turned away. Taking a deep breath I walked out of the bathroom and back into the dormitory.

He was standing by the window looking out onto the drive but turned as he heard my heels on the linoleum.

His eyes went wide as he saw me. I could hear the sound of my heart thumping and a trickle of nervous sweat ran down the small of my back, making me shiver slightly.

‘Don’t be frightened,’ he said in an oily voice, looking me up and down and making me feel a bit uncomfortable. It was those eyes again, they seemed almost hungry. I felt like a juicy bit of meat in a butcher’s window. Did I say that I had a vivid imagination?

‘You look very pretty,’ he said.

‘Th...thank you,’ I replied in a small voice, looking down.

‘Come here,’ he beckoned.

Hesitatingly, I walked over and he stroked my hair and then seemed to come nearer...

There was the toot or a car horn outside and we both sort of jumped and I stepped away.

He walked over to the window and glanced down. I could see that there was anger in his face and I didn’t like the look of his expression.

He turned to me.

‘You had better get changed, the others are back.’

‘Will you tell the authorities about me?’

‘Erm yes, it’s clear that you are a erm, girl. We’ll speak again tomorrow. Maybe we can find somewhere private and you can show me a bit more about how much of a girl you are. Keep the clothes and hide them away. It will be our little secret, for now.’

He smiled at me, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes, all I could see was a strange hungry look and it made me feel very scared about what he might do to me, but I tried to show no sign of my fear and just smiled at him and said thank you before grabbing the bag and going back into the bathroom for a quick change.

That night I couldn’t sleep and I could hear the sounds of heavy breathing all around me. Looking at the illuminated dial of my watch, I could see that it was half past one in the morning. I had lain there for nearly three hours, wondering what I could do.

Mike had done nothing to me physically, but there was a promise of it in future if I read the signs right. Here I was a girl being treated as a boy and no one was ready willing or able to help me. I had little hope that Mike would help me. I think that he had other things on his mind that would not be too healthy for me.

I wondered what my options were. At about midnight, I closed my eyes as the door opened and a dim light streamed in. there was a whispering as Mike and Laura walked down the room, checking on everyone. I had my eyes shut and pretended that I was asleep.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a hand on my hair, stroking it. I turned over; pretending that I had been disturbed and the hand went away. I knew who’s hand it had been and my flesh crept.

There was the sound of retreating footsteps and then the door closed quietly, leaving me wide awake and dreading what might happen very soon if I didn’t do something about it.

I had to do something but what?

No one would believe me if I said that Mike was a pervert and wanted to abuse me. Nothing had been done...yet. Would I have to wait until I was raped before something was done?

I not going to have that, I thought, better that I get away from here and try my luck on my own.

There were cases almost every day of people going missing, running away, I would be one of them. Only I wouldn’t go as Joey, I would go as Hannah, less chance of being recognised and anyway I was tired of pretending to be a boy.

Where would I go though? It was cold outside and although the snow had stopped and it had warmed up a bit and the rain had washed much of the snow away, it was still a cold raw night out there.

I thought about what I should do and came up with a plan. I waited for a few minutes and made sure that everyone was asleep and then I got up quietly, took my torch out of my cabinet and other personal things that I had in a bag. Beneath the mattress was an envelope with some money in it. It was only forty pounds, accumulated pocket money that I had stashed away for a rainy day, but it would have to do.

I didn’t think that the others would take much notice of me even if they did wake up. They were used to me getting up in the night go to the toilet. I had a weak bladder and when I had to go, I did. I actually wore some special pull up pants that helped in case I didn’t get to the toilet in time and of course my bed had a rubber sheet–more humiliation that I had had to live with for most of my life.

Anyway, no one stirred as I crept out and closed the door quietly behind me. I shivered a bit in my pyjamas and hurried downstairs to the laundry room by the light of my torch and the night lights that were dotted along the corridors.

On the way, I passed the storeroom where cases and bags were kept for our infrequent trips away from ‘home’. I picked out a rucksack that wasn’t too big and then went on to the laundry room.

In there, over to one side were racks of clothes, a girls rack and a boys one. Down here, there was no danger of being seen, as everyone was in bed on the upper floors, so I turned on the light, blinking at the sudden brightness and immediately went over to the girls section.

I picked out some jeans–this was not a time for skirts and dresses–and a few tops. Mind you there were few uber lovely skirts and tops that happened to find their way into my rucksack, together with panties from a drawer, socks and a few other essential items like a couple of nighties and some girlie jim-jams. Anyway I picked out some things to wear and slipped on some jeans and a warm pink top. Did I say I loved pink?

There were a few jumpers and I picked out one to wear. It was cashmere, probably someone’s cast off, but I was a girl on a mission and I needed to be warm. It was sky blue in colour and clashed a bit with my top, but I wasn’t about to make a fashion statement here; I just wanted to be warm and as un-boy like as possible.

There were few coats and I tried on a few and found one that was warm and not too un-cool. The boots that I found at the back of the erm, boot cupboard, fitted me like a glove, well not a glove, but you know what I mean. They went up to mid calf and I think that they were leather, but as long as they kept me warm, I wasn’t going to argue about it.

Every few moments I stopped and listened. I didn’t want to be caught now, of all times.

I found a nice pink woolly hat with buttons on it which was cool and almost ready and I put that over my hair. It covered my hair and my ears and that was uber cool as far as I was concerned.

So there I was, rucksack full of clothes, wearing girls’ things and feeling happier than I had been in ages. I knew that I was going to places unknown, but at least I was going as Hannah and getting away from the immediate danger in the shape of Mike.

As a bit of mis-direction I left a note saying that I had gone to see my auntie in Scotland; I didn’t have one, but it might help gain me a bit of time.

I let myself out of the front door, closing it carefully after me.

It was cold, but not really bad as the night had warmed even more and what snow was left was melting in the moonlit sky.

It was technically Christmas Eve now and I knew that if I had left it until the following night, I would have little chance of getting away, what with the limited public transport services available over the holiday period– so it was now or maybe never; although, I decided early on that public transport probably wouldn’t be an option.

I was concerned about the possibility of being seen or recorded on camera as I made my way to the destination that I had decided on, so trains were definitely out and I also recalled that I read somewhere that most buses had camera’s too, so that was another big no-no.

I could hitch-hike but that carried more dangers than I was willing to chance. So I did what I had to do; I walked.

My destination was twenty miles away. I was young, fit and relatively healthy and I hoped that I could just walk there and not get caught.

As I walked through town, I avoided the town centre where I knew there were cameras and wherever I could, I kept to the shadows. Being a pretty rough night, there were few people about and I was glad of that. I did have to hide in a bush when a police car roared by, blue lights flashing, but apart from that, I only had to hide once or twice before I left town and went out into the countryside.

The roads were well signposted and I made quite good time, although some of the roads were a bit slippery still and there was also some un-melted snow that I had to negotiate around. I had a few bars of chocolate with me and a small bottle of coke–I had them in my locker and I was pleased that I had the presence of mind to bring them along–so I didn’t go hungry or thirsty on my longish journey.

Twenty miles might not seem far in a car, but try it on foot when you are tired, worried, frightened and very insecure and you would probably agree that it was a long enough journey in the daylight in the middle of a hot summer, let alone in the middle of the night in the winter when most sane people were tucked up in bed.

But I knew I had to get away and this was the only way I could do it. I had no idea what I would do when I got to where I was going, but I hoped that I might have some sort of divine intervention, or even a bit of blind luck that would see me through and get me to safety.

I walked as long as I could along a fairly large B road that led me slowly to my destination. Why I wanted to go there, I wasn’t very sure, but I remembered it from a few years ago and recalled the place as being lovely, friendly and somewhere that would be a nice place to live with, given the chance.

We had camped on the hills above the village, the sea was down below and the views fantastic. I had dreams that night of my new parents who agreed to adopt me on the spot and had taken me home to live happily ever after. Then I woke up and realised that it was just a dream. But I had never forgotten it and hoped, naively perhaps, that I would find happiness and safety in that quaint little village.

It got colder as the night drew on and the sky up above had twinkling stars and a large moon to show me the way and guide me to my destination.

Looking at my watch, I could see that it was now five fifteen and I was getting very tired, but I continued on, almost shuffling as I went across the moor that led eventually to the road that would, I hoped, soon lead me to my destination. It would be dark for at least another hour and I stopped for a moment and had my last piece of chocolate and final few dregs of my drink before I shuffled on. I wasn’t that cold though, as I had kept moving and that had helped to keep me warm.

The road wound downward and I couldn’t see much, even in the moonlight. I was off the moor now and there were bushes lined along the road making it difficult to find out where I actually was. But I could smell the sea and knew that it couldn’t be much longer before I reached my destination. I stopped suddenly as a large shadow crossed my path. It was a fox and it stopped, looked at me and then continued on its way. Up above in one of the trees, an owl hooted and there were some rustling noises in some bushes to my left. I wasn’t scared–much.

After a while I stopped and sat on a low wall. I could smell the sea now and was that surf I heard?

I took off my boots and rubbed my aching feet. I wasn’t in as good a condition as I thought and I would have dearly liked to just lie down and go to sleep, but I couldn’t just give in and I had to go on. Not far now, surely...

Wearily, I got to my feet and trudged on. I was too tired to even think beyond the next step. There was a bend in the road and then, looking down, I gasped. There before me in all its glory, in the waning moonlight was...Penmarris Bay.

Part 2 coming soon...

Please leave comments and kudo thingies...thanks! ~Sue

If you are enjoying this story, The original Penmarris story - Changes Book 1 is now available on Kindle:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006NZFWG8 (US)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Changes-ebook/dp/B006NZFWG8/ref=sr_1... (UK)