Totally Insane 34–Protestations.
by Angharad

Happy Birthday Trish, have a lovely day, sweetheart.

I began to get into some sort of routine. I’d be sick or feel I was going to be, get dressed, do my makeup–such as it was, a bit of eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss. I wanted to do my nails, but apparently they won’t let you use anything but clear nail polish. So that’s all I did.

School was pretty much the same as it had been with the boys, except I felt less threatened by the girls–until the Friday of the first week. We were told it was sports day on Tuesday and we each had to be down for at least two events, preferably one field and one track.

I wondered if I could get an exemption. I went to speak to Mrs Martin the school secretary about it because she knew of my situation–I think.

“Why can’t you enter the sports day?” she asked at my protestations.

“I have a slight problem, if you remember.”

“Is it a medical condition, like diabetes or sickle cell anaemia?”

I didn’t know mobile phones could get anaemia, unless that means a lack of a signal–I mean, like what’s anaemia any way?

“I see a doctor for it, I thought you knew about my little problem.”

“It doesn’t say anything about a medical condition here,” she said looking at my notes on the computer.

“Are you sure?” I asked seeking confirmation.

“No, see for yourself.”

I stepped round behind her and looked at the screen, it didn’t say anything about me being a b–it different. It had me down as female and gave my address, my educational level–hey that was pretty good, but nothing about my plumbing.

“I guess I’ll have to do something then.”

“I’ll speak with the headmistress on Monday morning, but usually it gives any medical conditions, like asthma, here. Are you taking any medication?”

I decided that I’d pass on that one, if she knew I was on the pill, she’d think I was a floozie, and despite all Brian’s insinuations, I’m not. He however, remains a penis capitis.

I walked home wondering what I should do, I suppose I could get Mummy to write me a letter to exempt me on medical grounds, though I’m hardly Caster Semanya and going to blitz everyone in the 800 metres. Mind you if Brian was chasing me, I’d probably run pretty quickly.

I got in and decided to make myself a cuppa before I did anything else–no, I’d go and change. I chucked my blouse in the washing machine and ran upstairs in my bra and skirt. I pulled on a tee shirt and some jeans then went down and made some tea. I had homework to do, but I had a weekend to do it in and it wasn’t especially arduous. I looked in the fridge to see what was for dinner and began to do the vegetables to save Mummy some time.
Brian came in and grunted at me; I sighed.

“What’s the prob, sis?”

I nearly fell over, and he hadn’t tried to borrow any money yet. “I’ve got to take part in the sports day–I’ve like gotta do at least one track and one field event.”

“Well you should do alright, you have a natural advantage.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you used to be a boy, so you should have bigger muscles.”

“They’re all bigger than me.” I pouted.

“Go for the shot and either a long distance race or a sprint–yeah, go for the sprint.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you’ll be able to win it.”

“I don’t want to win it, I don’t want to take part.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t like sport except badminton, and perhaps riding my bike, but it’s hardly Tour de France is it?”

“Wossisname Cavendish isn’t very big and he’s the fastest thing on two wheels, well on a bike.”

“Whoopee doo, so how’s that gonna like help me?”

“I’ll show you how to put the shot.”

“Put it where?”

“That’s what they call it.”

“Call what?”

“The shot, it’s like a cannonball and you try and throw it as far as you can.”

“Why?”

“To show you’re stronger than someone else,” he looked at me in disbelief.

“But I don’t want to show I’m stronger than someone else, do I? I just wanna sit and like do my girly sewing not run about getting all sweaty and stuff.”

“Can’t ‘elp you there,” he grabbed a cola from the fridge and turned to go upstairs–

“Wossfor tea?” he asked from the doorway.

“Pork chops, why?”

“Can you make that sauce stuff you did last time?”

“The apple sauce?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

I looked at the empty doorway, I must be dreaming except there was a Tarzan cry from upstairs, followed by another. The chief monkey was obviously at home and defending his territory. Him Cheetah, me Jane.

I put the chops on the baking tray and popped them in the oven. I set the timer for three-quarters of an hour and sat at the table and got my books out. Mummy came in just as I was finishing my algebra.

“Pop the kettle on, sweetie,” she said, then ran up to shower. I made her a mug of tea and took it up to the bedroom, she was just pulling on her clothes. “Oh thanks, Kylie–I have a mountain of marking to do, I lost my free time this afternoon when Bernie Jenkins went off sick–mind you she looked awful–she’s pregnant again and she had pre-eclampsia last time.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh it happens later in pregnancy, they get swelling and high blood pressure and so on, it can get really serious and threaten the baby and even the mother, so we sent her home to rest.”

“Oh, poor Ms Jenkins,” I offered.

“Yes, she had a rough time before. Aren’t you glad you won’t ever suffer that?”

“Maybe, I’d rather be a real girl than a pretend one.”

“Oh, darling, I didn’t mean it like that.” She hugged me and I managed to keep the tears at bay. “You are a real girl.”

“Am I? Real girls can have babies.”

“Not all of them, the female reproductive system is quite complex and loads of things can go wrong.”

“Yeah, not as wrong as mine did–it grew a willie.”

“I’m sorry, Kylie, but you just have to cope with it–let’s face it, you’ve done really well so far–everyone sees you as a girl and accepts you as such; you’re taking the pills earlier than you should–so you’ll have a female body shape, what more do you want?”

I pulled away from her, “How about a fanny, periods and babies of my own.” With that I walked out of her room and shut the door loudly, I also slammed the door of my bedroom.

I don’t know how long I sat on the edge of my bed, but I wondered how much longer I could keep up this pretence. I couldn’t go back to being a boy; that was a fate worse than being a girl. I didn’t think I could cope with only being part girl–so I would have to end it.

There was a knock on my door, and Brian entered, “Hey, sis, wossamatter?” I didn’t even look at him. “That apple stuff was really good–look, if you’re not gonna eat your dinner, can I have it?” I nodded my response although in the dark he wouldn’t see my tears. “Thanks, sis.” Having achieved what he wanted, he left happy as a pig in sh– If that’s what being a boy was all about, count me out.

I wondered how long it would take me to die if I stopped eating, probably too long and I think I read somewhere that it hurts a lot and you go blind an’ things. I wanted something quicker.

In the distance the phone rang, it was nine o’clock, probably for my gut-bucket brother. I drifted in my mind, if I died this weekend, I wouldn’t have to do sports day and I wondered if Daddy would be able to get a refund on some of my uniform.

“Kylie,” called my mother, “Emma is on the phone for you?”

I ignored it.

A few moments later, she burst into my bedroom. “KYLIE,” she shouted and I jumped off the bed. “I called you, get yourself over to Emma’s house, she needs you to babysit while she goes to the hospital, Kit has had an accident. So stop moping about and get over there.”

It took a moment for the news to penetrate, “Uncle Kit’s had an accident?”

“Yes, now get over there so Emma can go to the hospital.”

“Why does she want me?”

“Because you’re her baby-sitter, now stop this nonsense and get your pretty little bum over there.”

I wiped my face and grabbed my bag and ran over to our neighbour’s house.

“Thanks, Kylie, the silly fool fell off a ladder at work–are you all right?”

“Yeah,” I lied, “the pills sometimes make me sick.”

“Morning sickness? It’s quarter past nine in the evening.”

“Yeah, I forgot to take it this morning, so had it later.”

“Oh, okay. You going to be alright with Sarah?”

“Yes I’ll be fine–you go and see Uncle Kit.

“Are you sure? Rose said you had the miseries.”

“I’m alright, now go and see Uncle Kit and give him a kiss for me.”

“Are you trying to seduce my husband, Kylie Mosse?” There was a twinkle in her eye.

“Meee? I don’t even know what it means, isn’t it what Sherlock Holmes did?”

She looked strangely at me for a moment, “I thought that was, deduce. Seduce is what you’d like to do with Philip.”

“Oh, I thought that was sex?” I was speaking without much thought.

“Yes it is, but with a bit more finesse than you seem to appreciate.” She walked over to me, “You can tell me what’s wrong when I get back–if you want to, that is?”

I nodded and sniffed back a tear. Auntie Em rushed off and I heard the car drive down the road. It was very quiet, and I went to see where Sarah was. I stopped, why did I call her that? Usually I call her baby Sarah?

I climbed up the stairs and checked her, she was fast asleep in her cot. I’d missed doing my motherhood by proxy thing this week, I’d also missed her lovely mother who’d taught me so much about being a girl and all sorts of useful things about the house.

Did I really want to die? I looked at the innocence, sleeping possibly dreaming about her future, whereas I didn’t seem to have one. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my favourite baby, so maybe I wouldn’t die just yet. I wondered if it was possible for a boy to grow boobs which could lactate, watching Auntie Em feed her baby was pure magic and I was so envious of that. I wanted to try and do that when I was bit older, because that could make me feel like a woman, a proper one.

I sat on the floor by the side of the cot and watched my proxy baby, she was so beautiful whereas I felt so ugly by comparison. The light in the room was dim and I could just make out her breathing, light and rhythmical. I sat with my head leaning on my knees and sobbed silently before drifting off to sleep.

The first I knew of Auntie Em’s return was her calling me from downstairs, I was still very muzzy and it took a moment to register where I was and why. I stood up and staggered to the doorway.

“Oh, there you are, I was beginning to feel a bit worried.”

I yawned, “Sorry, Auntie Em, I must have nodded off, last I remember was watching Sarah.”

“Your eyes are all red, what’s happened?”

“Nothin’ really–I just feel very down.”

“C’mon, let’s have a cuppa and a chat.” She checked the baby quickly and then we went down to the kitchen where she put the kettle on. “Biccie?” she asked me and I nodded, I didn’t really want one but I hadn’t had any dinner and my tummy felt peckish.

“How’s Uncle Kit?”

“I think he’ll be okay, he’s hurt his leg and they’re not sure if he’s broken it or not, so they’re going to keep him in until he sees the consultant tomorrow.”

“Poor Uncle Kit.”

“Silly old fool, what on earth was he doing up a ladder–he’s supposed to be an auditor.”

“Um–counting the rungs?”

She looked at me, then snorted, “Yes, probably,” then she laughed. “Now, missy, what’s the matter with you?”

“Nothin’ really.”

“So why the long face?”

I shrugged and felt a tear form, moments later she was cuddling me as I wept. “Now then, what’s the problem–this isn’t like you?”

“I feel a failure.”

“A failure, Kylie, you’re twelve years old how can you be a failure?”

“I failed at being a boy, now I’m a failure as a girl.” I sobbed on her shoulder.

“Who said you were a failure?”

“Me–I did. We have to do something on sports day–I don’t want to.”

“Get Rose to write you a note. Have you told her about it?”

“No, she was telling me they’d had to send some lady home from school because she’s pregnant and she had three lamps or something.”

“Three lamps. You don’t mean, pre-eclampsia, do you?”

“Could be; I just felt inadequate–I can’t get pregnant and never will. I’m a failure.”

“So you measure being a successful female as having babies do you?”

I nodded.

“And all those women who chose not to have any, perhaps or were too busy or couldn’t have any–are they failures as well? Is Florence Nightingale a failure as a woman–because she didn’t have any children?”

“Um–I s’pose not, she did lots of work with nursing, didn’t she?”

“She totally revolutionised it and the way field hospitals worked in the army. She was a proto-feminist, showing that women could be important in areas in which they’d been previously excluded and she had enormous influence politically as well, especially during her heyday.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“Kylie, how can you possibly know what you’re going to achieve in life–you might do great things upon a very public stage or you might settle down with one person and be very happy.”

“But I wouldn’t be able to have his babies, would I?”

“Why are you so fixated on one aspect of life, is it simply because you can’t do or have something?”

“I don’t understand, Auntie Emma.”

“Let’s take it as read that you can’t biologically conceive as a mother.”

“Yeah,” I hung my head.

“So because you can’t do this one thing, you’re going to let it become the bane of your life, make the rest of it a whole and total failure, or waste of time? That’s like going on a wonderful holiday and having the most perfect time, and suddenly on the last day it rained and you got wet and it spoiled your whole view of the holiday. Is that right?”

“No, Auntie Emma, that wouldn’t spoil my holiday.”

“I won’t pretend that any woman who was told she couldn’t have babies of her own wouldn’t be upset, but don’t let it spoil the rest of your life–life is more than doing one thing. Not having your own doesn’t stop you from looking after other people’s; becoming an obstetrician or a midwife, or a teacher. All these people are important for the welfare of babies and children. Do you see what I mean?”

“I think so, Auntie Emma.”

“You’re a lovely girl, don’t let a mistake of nature stop you from reaching your full potential and enjoying your life, there’s much more to it than simply having babies you know. Now get off home before your mother phones to see if you’ve moved in here.” She hugged me and I went back home feeling still confused but she seemed to know what she was talking about.

“You’ve been a long time,” said Daddy as I went in.

“I was talking to Auntie Em.”

“Feel better now?” he asked.

“I think so.”

He put his arm round me and pulled me close to him–“That was a lovely meal you made us, how come you didn’t have any?”

“Um, it was the only way I could avoid the poison,” I joked.

“And make sure Brian got a double dose–eh?”

“Where’s Mummy?”

“She was absolutely shattered, so I sent her on up to bed. I said I’d wait up for you.”

“Oh, thanks, Daddy, I’ll be off then...” I kissed him and went to walk to the stairs.

“I thought we could have a little father daughter time.”

Oh poo, not now, Daddy–“Um it’s a bit late, Daddy.”

“I’m well aware of the time, young lady, now sit down and tell me what’s upset you and why you gave your mother a load of lip?”

“I–I–um didn’t mean to, she was on about this woman at work who’s having a baby and it just got to me, ‘cos I can’t have any, and they’re gonna make me like take part in sports day at school, an’ I’m a failure an’...”I burst into tears.

“Hang on, let’s look at these one at a time shall we?”

Daddy reassured me, saying much of the same sort of things Auntie Em said, he also hugged me and told me he thought I was actually making a much better job of being a girl than he thought I would. I wasn’t sure if that wasn’t one of those back handed compliments, Mummy goes on about.

I went to bed feeling confused about the future–I think I still wanted to be a girl, no, I needed to be a girl–oh poo, I am a girl, it’s only my plumbing that says different. I still have to do the sports day, he told me that running away from things didn’t make them go away, so I had to confront my fears. ’Cept he’s not the one hiding a willie in his knickers–um–yeah okay, he is but he’s not hiding it and he doesn’t wear knick–oh you know what I mean.

The best bit of our chat, apart from him finding my joke about poisoning Brian quite funny, was that he told me several times that both he and Mummy loved me very much and that they would always be there for me. I went to bed with a warm feeling inside me and some runny eyes.

Thanks to Gabi for corrections, any complaints see >^^<