Intro by Carla Ann

“Tiffany, I’ve asked you how everything is going with people and the activities you’re involved in, but you haven’t mentioned how you are coping with everything.” She emphasized the ‘you,’ when she asked that.

“Well, better than I was last year,” I started. “Way better than last year… I have a lot of friends now, and I’m not getting picked on every day.” I saw her eyes boring into me looking for something else. “Alright, I don’t know how I’m doing right now.” I told her honestly.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Well for one I’m really tired of everyone guessing I’m five if I wear the wrong clothes.” I told her hesitantly. I was sure my parents had filled her in with everything anyway, “Tuesday was pajama day. Mom and I had found some cute pajamas with feet on them that would fit Amy and me, so we wore them for pajama day. We really did look cute dressed like that, and I was having a lot of fun with it. That was until the sub in English class thought that I was someone’s little sister that had come them to school that day.”

I was really surprised Dr. Reynolds didn’t laugh about it, but I continued, “Then the next day the whole squad was wearing shortalls and our hair done in pigtails and I looked to be about five again. One of my best friends even brought a doll to school to play a joke on the sub that we’d had. I don’t think she knew that it really upset me though. I’m not five, I’m twelve! Amy has grown about five inches here in the last couple months, but I’m still the same height I was last year. It’s good for cheerleading stuff because people can toss me so easily… but…” I was doing my best to not go into tears over all of this. “as long as we’ve got my puberty stopped then I won’t be doing much growing. That’s all on top of the fact that I’m never going to be able to have periods like my friends… and I’m stuck with this stupid thing between my legs,” I told her with a great deal of exasperation. “I’m so tired of having to look at it, or hide it, every time I turn around. I know you can’t do anything about it till I’m eighteen – but I wish it could be gone now!” I had gone to tears now.

---

Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

---

 

---

 
The Legal Stuff: Dreaming of Cheers  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar
 
This is a work of fiction. Names, Characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.
 
 
Preface
 
 
It’s been a long road to publishing this third book in my Standing Up to Life Series. I began writing the first book over two years ago, putting the first two books out in a quick succession of six months work. The third book became more challenging to finish as I had set my sights on only writing a trilogy. I declared myself finished last August, but found myself unhappy with the ending. Well seven months later I feel this is ready to give to you, my readers, and I hope you will enjoy it. It has not gone on the track I had expected, and indeed there will probably be at least one more book following this in order to complete Tiffany’s story. I hope you will find that your wait has been worth it.

Like the first two books I posted here, I will be posting a full copy here on BigCloset. This time I am going to upload two chapters per week to the site. The full version should be completely posted by August. For those that cannot wait however, I have an e-book version of the full book available from Lulu.com as of today. You may find it at My Store. My assumption is that the majority of my readers would be more interested in this edition of the book rather than a hardback or paperback. If you enjoy this work perhaps you will consider supporting me by purchasing it ($5.95 for the eBook).

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy reading Dreaming of Cheers!

 

Chapter 20:

 
THE NEXT MORNING Amy and I woke up and went about our normal routines to get ready. Melanie made breakfast for us and drove us to school with both us in pretty good moods. At school we found our friends waiting outside and all commented that we wished it was a lot warmer. As it was I had on my heavy winter coat and gloves, and was still freezing! Amy and I both huddled close to David and Kyle since they both acted as great wind blocks for the wind.

“If it’s going to be this cold the least it could do, would be to snow!” Ashley said next to me as the bell rang.

“I agree!” I told her through clenched teeth.

In first hour everyone was talkative. As much as we all hated to have to wake up and come to school that morning, we were all excited to see each other again. Mr. Randolph finally made the comment, “Geeze Guys! You’d think you hadn’t seen each other in months. It’s just been a week, let’s get back on task!”

We all grumbled and got quiet for a few minutes before someone started giggling and it became contagious. He just sighed and gave up at that point.

“Hey Tiffany, it’s only three more weeks till Christmas Break!” Kyle said from his desk in front of me.

“Really?” I asked. I knew it was close, but I guess I hadn’t realized it was that close.

“Yep!”

“Cool… what did you do over Thanksgiving Break?” I asked him starting another talking session that Mr. Randolph glared at us over. I didn’t care that much, I’d already finished the assignment. Kyle had too. The conversation soon included Amy and Ashley and continued into the hallway on our way to our next classes.

That was the way the day went in every class. By the time we got to the end of the day I was feeling glad that it had been a normal day. Nothing had gone wrong, and it was such a relief after everything from the past week. Last period, in band, we got chewed out by Mrs. Remar because of how bad everything sounded. No one, including myself, seemed to have practiced over the break. At least I played the right notes though.

“Look ladies and gentlemen we have just twelve more rehearsals before our concert!!!” She told us while looking at us sternly, “Everyone needs to take their instruments home tonight! I will lock the doors to the instrument room, and anyone who can’t get their instrument because they didn’t take it home will get detention.”

I think we all kind of shirked away from her glance at that point. I found myself looking at my stand and the music that was on it. I didn’t really want to look up at her. Thankfully the bell rang right then so we were able to escape. On our way out she yelled, “Don’t forget jazz practice tomorrow night!”

It was good that she said something… I hadn’t even thought about it. I cut through the choir room and went to the locker room in the gym to switch into my practice clothes. Using the bathroom in the coaches’ office had become routine at this point, and I emerged quickly into the locker room where the rest of the girls were coming in slowly and changing as well. I took some time to clean up my locker a little bit. The locker room was in theory used by both normal P.E. classes and ladies sports such as cheerleading. If you were in a sport, like I was, you were given a locker that was taller than the little small square cubical everyone else got. All of them had a network of diamond shape cutouts all over them for air ventilation.

I didn’t have a whole lot in it at this point, but felt like a few things could be moved around. As I was doing that I heard a startled and pained “aaaah…” from Lindsey standing a few feet away.
I turned to look over at her and saw that she appeared to have her shirt half-way over her head, but seemed to be in pain. “You alright Lindsey?” I asked.

“Tiffany?” She paused, “Can you help me? I somehow got the back of my earring caught on my shirt!”

I stood up and walked over to her and saw that she was sort of trapped by the shirt and the attachment of the earring to her ear. “Ooh. Ouch! Hold on just a second Linds,” I told her. I managed to help her get the earring unstuck from the shirt.

“Thanks Tiff… I was afraid I was going to rip it out of my ear.”

“Anytime Lindsey,” I told her as she began undoing her bra so she could put her sports bra on instead. I looked away. It didn’t interest me in any way, but I didn’t want to be accused of anything. I finished gathering my stuff together. Amy came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, and then we led the girls out to the cafeteria across the hall.

Before Coach Holt made it there Amy and I started everyone doing some stretching routines. There was part of me that always loved this part. I’d worked so hard on doing splits well, and building my overall flexibility, that I was able to do better than about seven of the girls. Most of them had been doing stuff like this their whole lives! I smiled inwardly with that thought as I saw Coach Holt walk in.

“Good afternoon ladies, thanks for getting everyone started,” she added to Amy and I. We smiled in response. “We have just over sixty days until the national competition, and a week before that we’ll have the state competition.” She paused to let that set in. “I want these routines perfect before we leave for break in three weeks.”

Amy and I looked at each other with the same deer-in-the-headlights look at that point. That was a lot of time, but still… the two of us had been far from perfect the night before.

“Well, let’s see where we are,” she said at that point motioning for us to stand up.

I don’t know if it was her intention to make the point clearly to us that we needed to focus or not… but she chose to start right off with having us do the routine with the music. As a team we hadn’t done it in more than a week-and-a-half, and it showed. I was glad Amy and I had run through it yesterday as we were the only two that managed to make it through to the end together.

“FREEZE!” She said loudly at everyone. “I don’t care how bad it is, you don’t move until the team moves together!” She said sternly.

“Well, that was…” she paused, “I don’t think I need to tell you. Well let’s see the other routine.”

As we moved to set up for the other routine I gave Amy a sideways glance that she returned, ‘This was not going to go any better…’

The scenario repeated itself again, but as it was an even harder routine, I found myself ending eight counts ahead of the music. At that point I was beyond embarrassed with no hope of figuring out what move I had forgotten. Amy looked like she had ended in the right spot, but no one else looked even close from what I could see out the corners of my eyes. I did my best not to cry in frustration.

“Okay ladies, we have ninety more minutes of practice today, and we’re going to need every minute of it.” Coach Holt’s voice was dripping with disappointment and anger. “Did any of you even try to practice?” She asked.

Amy and I raised our hands. I looked around and saw Lindsey and Katrina raise their hands hesitantly as well.

“Thank you ladies, but four does not make the squad. All of you need to be practicing. When we hit Christmas Break we are going to have some practices after Christmas,” she looked around at everyone daring us to say something against it, “probably that weekend.” She paused again. “Look ladies, this is the first year we’ve ever had this kind of squad at the junior high level, but the high school has been taking awards at the state and national level for years. We need to match that high bar.”

She seemed to have run out of things to say. “Okay, let’s go back to the first routine, count by count!”

The next ninety minutes were grueling! It was not uncommon for us to end in a particularly awkward, uncomfortable, and/or physically tiring position. She had us do it over and over again. By the end of practice the first routine was only decent at quarter speed. Coach Holt never let up one bit, and at the end of practice called everyone together. “Ladies, we have to do better. Every day, every time we do something, we have to do better! Understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” I found myself saying aloud along with the other girls.

“Now, don’t forget, your next payment for the competition trips, is due on Friday this week. If for some reason you can’t make that payment, please talk to me before then. I have to make several payments to the hotel and the airline Monday.” She paused, “Anyone have any questions?”

Seeing none, she had us clean up our stuff and head down to the locker room to change. I pulled my sweaty shorts, t-shirt, and sports bra off quickly switching for my clothes I’d worn throughout the school day. I really needed a shower, but that would have to wait until after gymnastics tonight. I grabbed my backpack along with my saxophone, before I met up with Amy in the locker room. She had also just finished changing and looked as tired and depressed as I felt. On our way out Coach was standing in the hallway talking to the wrestling coach who was still there from their practice.

“Tiffany, Amy, thank you for practicing over the break,” was all she said, “see you tomorrow,” she added.

Outside I expected to see my mom’s car, but only saw Amy’s mom sitting there. She waved at us and we walked up to her. Amy climbed in the front seat and I figured I’d be waiting but she rolled her window down and said, “Tiffany, your mom called me earlier. Your gymnastics lesson tonight was cancelled.” I was kind of relieved by that. I couldn’t imagine any more physical abuse today.

“Oh, okay.”

“Anyway, get in — your parents are going to come for dinner tonight.” She told me.

“Oh, cool!” I said climbing in the back seat. Amy and I talked with her in the front seat and turning around to me in the back. Normally when we knew we were riding in the same car we both rode in the back so we could talk easier. She pulled into the driveway and I saw my mom’s car was already there.

“Hi sweetheart,” she said to me as I came in. She gave me a quick hug and continued, “Your daddy is going to be here in a bit, he’s going to be coming a little late from work.”

“Okay… do you think we have time to shower before dinner?” I asked Melanie and her. Amy nodded at my side.

“You should if it’s quick girls, go ahead and shower if you want.”

“Thanks Mom,” Amy said as we both headed upstairs and went to our separate bedrooms. I was glad I kept some spare changes of clothes there so I could switch right into them. I kept it quick, just long enough to get the sweat off of my body. I ended up scrubbing my face at the sink quickly with the towel wrapped around me before hurriedly throwing on the spare pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. I didn’t wash my hair, but of course it still got wet, so I came out of the bathroom rubbing my hair trying to dry it out. I was kind of surprised for some reason to see my mom sitting on the bed where Amy’s mom had sat last night.

“Hey,” I said.

“You really have moved in here haven’t you?” she asked me with a small smile.

“Sort of… sometimes…” I told her embarrassed. “Do you mind that I spend so much time over here?” I asked for the first time, scared of what answer she might give me.

“I guess I should…” she told me honestly, “but Amy spends a lot of time at our house too - so not really. I think Melanie and I feel just lucky enough that we each have gained another daughter on top of the beautiful one we were given.”

I had no reply for that, so I just gave her a hug. I quickly and discreetly wiped a tear away at my eyes and then separated myself from Mom. “Thanks Mommy,” I told her.

“You ready to eat yet?” She asked me. I nodded and grabbed my backpack and sax case before heading downstairs.

Dad showed up about five minutes later and the six of us sat down to eat. Amy and I were badgered with the normal questions about school for a bit before we were left to kind of chill out and eat quietly. Melanie had let a pot roast bake in the crock pot all day, and it was really good. She’d made mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli as well. I was glad we’d eaten there that night. As I left with my parents they made Amy’s parents promise to come over the following week for dinner. They would have planned it for over the weekend, but we were going up skiing. They actually invited my parents too, but they politely declined. I was kind of glad — I didn’t want to have to share myself with my parents this weekend.

 

TUESDAY MORNING I found myself patiently waiting for Amy’s mom to come pick me up for the daily drive to school. After the brief good morning remarks we were both pretty quiet. I was personally thinking about how several teachers were planning to dump huge assignments on us in the next couple weeks. Adding to that we were also supposed to have our band concert soon, which meant the choir concert too, and then in January dance squad stuff. It was just about enough to make me go crazy.

First and second hour passed with the homework being piled on. Particularly in science we were supposed to be working on a research project that was due at the end of January. Unfortunately we were supposed to have the project picked out and started by the week before Christmas! ‘When am I going to do that?!?’ I asked myself as I walked down the hallway with Lindsey and Amy towards choir.

I wasn’t paying much attention when BAM!!! I felt a pain in my side as I found myself bouncing off of the locker and onto the ground. “OW!” I screeched.

“Are you alright Tiffany?” Lindsey asked me as she knelt next to me.

“Ow… not really,” I said through clenched teeth. My side hurt in a familiar way from where one of the stupid locker dials had dug into it.

“Who did it?” Amy asked the two of us as we both looked around.

“I didn’t see them,” Lindsey admitted with embarrassment on her face.

“I didn’t see them either…” Amy said.

“Well that makes three of us.” I added trying not to cry.

“Whoever did that did it on purpose. It’s not that crowded in here," Lindsey said.

“Do you want to go to the nurse Tiff?” Amy asked.

“No… I’ll be fine,” I said. I was really trying not to start crying. They both put their arms around me and walked with me to choir.

“Are you alright Tiffany?” Ms. Beecher asked with considerable concern.

“Not really, but I will be.” I told her.

She looked questioningly at Amy and Lindsey but they both just shook their heads. “If you change your mind on that let me know, okay?”

I just nodded.

For the first several minutes of warm-ups I participated, but it was all I could do to do that. Lindsey was right. Everything from before, as well as from last week seemed to be on the precipice of spilling over into my brain at that moment — threatening to overwhelm the flimsy barriers that I had erected in my mind. I finally managed to focus. Through the last warm-up as Ms. Beecher worked our voices ever and ever higher. I tried to be the person that made it the highest, and I almost succeeded. Kristina bested me by a few notes.

After that I was able to concentrate. We were working through the Christmas concert music. When we finished working through one of the songs Ms. Beecher announced, “Okay, next week I’m going to have auditions for one girl to sing this part as a solo for the concert. If you’re interested please let me know before then.” And then as the bell rang, “Have a good day!”

As we walked out the classroom door she asked me, “Are you okay now Tiffany?”

“Yes Ma’am, I’m doing better now. Thanks for asking,” I told her.

With that we swept into the hallway and I told Amy, “I need to go by my locker really quick, walk with me?”

“Of course,” she told me with a smile. Honestly I knew better than to even have to ask — she still felt guilty about earlier in the year when I’d been left alone and attacked, so of course she would walk with me. “Are you trying out for the solo Tiffany?” Amy asked me.

“I don’t know… are you?” I didn’t want to compete with her for it.

“No!” she paused after saying that emphatically. “I don’t want to stand up in front of everyone and sing… that would be scary.” She paused. “So are you or not?”

“I don’t know… maybe… I’d really like to,” I finally admitted as she had pierced me with her gaze. I think she knew that I would want it.

She smiled at me, “You have one of the prettiest voices in there. You’ll get it for sure.”

“I wish I could be as confident about that as you,” I told her as I began turning the knob on my locker. Looking at it made my side throb some more. ‘That really hurt,’ I said to myself.

As I pulled it open I noticed a note folded piece of paper was sitting on top of my algebra book that I’d come for. I didn’t really have time to see what it said, but something in my stomach dropped and I felt like I had to look. Amy had been on the other side of the open door so she didn’t see the note sitting there, something in my face told her something though.

“Tiffany, what’s wrong?” I didn’t answer, just opened the note.

Dear freak. Leave our school, we don’t want your kind here.

I just handed it over to her. I wanted to cry, but I refused to do it there. “Oh Tiff!” Amy said, but I just began walking to algebra,

“We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry,” I told her with a level voice.

‘Is it all starting again? Am I ever going to get any peace?’ The voices in my head started roaring loudly, and I felt almost helpless to stop them.

In math I could barely concentrate. Amy finally asked Mr. Martin, “May Tiffany and I go see Mrs. Henry?”

It was the end of class, and he knew better than to argue with us on that, so he nodded, “Go ahead ladies, let me write you a pass before you leave.” A few moments later we headed down the hallway with a yellow pass in hand.

“Amy, why are we going to the office?” I asked.

“Because, you need to give that note to them, and tell them about earlier!”

I wanted to argue, but she was right. I just had lost all of my energy in the last couple hours. When we walked into the office the secretary automatically got a look in her eyes like, ‘What now?!?’ The district had already been sued by my parents, with Amy’s dad as the attorney… it made me seem like I had leprosy or something. “What can I do for you two?” One had the courage to ask.

“We need to see Mrs. Henry,” I reluctantly told the secretary.

“Just a minute, let me check and see if she’s available,” she told us. She turned and went back into her office and motioned for us to go in.

“Hi Tiffany, Amy, what can I do for you two today?” She asked me.

“Not much… I just needed to bring this note to you…” I hesitated before adding, “I guess I also need a copy of it to take home.” I was embarrassed and humiliated by all of this. It just wasn’t fair!

“I’m so sorry Tiffany, is there anything else?” She asked. We’d been through this routine enough that I knew nothing would happen about the note.

I started to shake my head, but Amy said, “Tiffany you need to tell her.”

“What?” Mrs. Henry asked politely.

“Well… on my way to choir someone, we’re not sure who, shoved me into a locker and I fell down.” I told her. I was so tired of this same routine!

“Who?”

“We don’t know,” Amy started, “Lindsey and I didn’t see them either. But I bet it’s the same people,” she said.

I just nodded.

“Are you okay Tiffany?” she asked me.

“I guess.” I told her.

“I’m sorry this happened today, I’ll look into it as much as I can Tiffany. Here let me take this and copy it for you and then you two can go to lunch, okay?” She told me politely.

As we began to leave the office, the copy in my backpack folded up into as many folds as I could angrily make it, Mrs. Henry said, “Tiffany, anytime anything else happens I want you to come immediately over here. I understand you’re tired of it, but I need you to help me keep you safe, alright?”

I just nodded as we walked out the door. I didn’t say anything as we walked down the hallway, just a couple minutes early to lunch. “You’re not mad at me are you Tiff?” Amy asked me.

“Why would you ask me that?” I paused, “Of course I’m not mad at you,” I told her.

“Well I know you didn’t want to go talk to her…”

“You were right, I needed to tell her… I just didn’t want to.” In a quieter voice I added, “Amy is this ever going to end?”

 

AS WE ATE at our lunch table a short while later I forced myself not to care about what had happened. It was going to happen… ‘people don’t like you, get over it,’ I told myself. With effort I pushed it from my mind and tried to have a good time talking to my friends. “So what are you doing this weekend?” Kyle asked me awkwardly.

‘Why is he asking me that?’ I asked myself. I answered though without a break, “I’m going with Amy and her parents up to their condo and we’re going skiing!” I smiled with that.

“Cool,” he told me. “I love skiing, but I think I actually like to snowboard more.”

“I think that looks kind of crazy,” I told him honestly.

“Well you know me…” he said with a smile.

I decided I’d see what he was doing, “So what are you doing this weekend?”

“I’m not sure… I was thinking about getting some friends together to go see a movie. But maybe I’ll do that the next weekend… that way maybe you,” there was kind of a stutter here, “and Amy might be able to go too?”

“That could be fun,” I told him awkwardly myself before we changed the subject.

As we left lunch that day for home-ec I was feeling relieved. That had been strange. To top off my worries about the conversation, “Tiffany I thought he was going to finally ask you out!” Amy whispered to me at our table in class.

“You must be mistaken,” I told her while thinking — ‘What would I have said?’

“I doubt it Tiff!” She giggled, “He’s cute too, you’re going to have a lot of jealous girls out there.” I just glared at her. I was so glad that Coach Holt started in class right then so she couldn’t continue to badger me about that. I had enough problems!

She didn’t have any other opportunities to ask me about it during school. In English we were given an assignment to write a two page book report on a non-fiction book due the last week before break. I was really beginning to get homework overload as I split off from Amy and went to band for the last period of the day. Luckily I was distracted when I got caught up in a discussion about shoes with Nikki and Ashley. The conversation was a lot of fun for the three of us, but hovering just at the edge of the group was Kyle. I just couldn’t escape that there seemed to be something happening there. I shook the thought out again and concentrated in band.

One kid, Josh, didn’t take his trumpet home the night before and so he got yelled at by Mrs. Remar — and assigned detention in front of the whole class. I was so glad I’d remembered my sax yesterday! “I expect better out of everyone in here. You all need to be practicing!”

By the time dance practice finished after school I felt like Mrs. Remar and Coach Holt must be trading notes. Practice. I couldn’t escape that word! At dance practice we’d continued working on the same routine, finally getting it up to three-quarters speed by the end of practice. We’d been told that we had to do better by tomorrow.

Dinner at home was something that I had to rush so I could fit a shower in before going to jazz rehearsal. I hated it when I showed Mom the new note, and hated the look that Dad got on his face when I mentioned that I’d been shoved into lockers again. Both were incredibly unhappy about it. I think they were actually more upset about it than I was. “Tiffany, the next time something like this happens I want you to call one of us.” Dad told me.

“But…” I started to say. I didn’t miss the fact that he didn’t add a conditional ‘if’ to his statement. He fully expected it to continue, and unfortunately so did I.

“No buts Tiffany, we need to take care of this. Next time you call,” I didn’t bother to argue with him.

It was kind of a relief when I got to jazz rehearsal and away from my parents. We were doing three pieces for the concert, including a version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer that had a solo in it. It was a section that could be played on alto sax, trumpet, or trombone, three of us had it. “Tiffany why don’t you give it a try this time?” Mrs. Remar asked me.

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I decided to try. She’d taught us some of the basics of how to solo in jazz, but I didn’t think I was all that great at it. I relaxed a little as I saw that there was a ‘suggested’ solo written in. It looked kind of hard, but I figured it had to be easier than making it up. All of the letters above the music sort of made sense, but not really. At the solo section I went ahead and started blowing through the notes. Where I thought something was kind of crazy, and too hard, I just tried to sort of play the notes, but make something up too.

“Tiffany,” she said at the end of the piece, “Not bad. Anyone else want to give it a try?” She asked.

“I’ll try Mrs. Remar,” I heard Kyle say behind me.

“Okay then, everyone start at letter E,” she told the group. She counted us off and Kyle got a shot at it.

“That was also pretty good Kyle. Do you both want to solo?”

Kyle said, “Sure!”

I just shrugged, which she took as a yes from me.

“Okay then, everyone get your pencils out… we’re going to repeat measures,” she got real specific on where we were repeating. “Tiffany you’ll go first, Kyle you’ll go second.” She looked at everyone and then said, “Okay let’s go through the whole song one more time and then we’ll move on. This time, Tiffany, please stand when we get there.”

I just looked at her. She was immune to my stare though, counting off before I could even take a breath. The second time through though I wasn’t quite as nervous, and it sounded much better, almost good. ‘If I practice this I think I can do it,’ I told myself. Before adding, ‘I’ll just do that in all of the leftover time when I’m not practicing for other things, and I’m bored…’

“Good job Tiffany,” she told me after rehearsal when my mom came to pick me up. I was still putting up my sax when I saw Mom pull Mrs. Remar off to the side. She was talking to her about something. ‘Probably something to do with earlier,’ I worried.

I watched Mrs. Remar nod about something and then she wrote down something on a piece of paper for Mom before she turned to come get me. On the way out Mom saw Kyle and said, “Hi Kyle, how are you doing?”

“What…?” He turned to identify the voice, “Oh hi Mrs. Jacobson!” he said politely. “I’m doing really well, thanks!” Kyle seemed nervous again. What was I going to do about that?

In the car a few moments later Mom asked casually, “Tiffany, so what’s the story with Kyle?”

“Huh?!?” I decided to play dumb, “What do you mean?”

“He was awfully nervous when he talked to me, and honestly he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of you.” She added.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Mommy.”

“Ri-i-ight.” She told me through an annoying smirk.

I felt my face flush into an embarrassing color, which she seemed to enjoy tremendously, so I turned towards the window and didn’t talk to her the rest of the trip home. ‘What am I going to do about this?’ I asked, the question played over and over in my head for the rest of the ride home.

At home I hurried through getting ready for bed while at the same time trying to make some headway on my algebra homework. It was already nine o’clock when I started it! I worked hard on it till ten, when Mom came in to check on me.

“Are you getting close sweetheart?”

“Slowly, but it’s going to take me another half hour,” I told her. I so wanted to go to bed. I was tired!

“I wish he wouldn’t give you so much homework,” she told me.

“Me too. Of course part of it is my own fault for being involved in everything,” I smiled weakly at her.

“Still, if this keeps up I’m going to talk to him about it.”

“Please Mom! I’m fine. Just let me get this done, okay?”

“Okay.” She walked out and returned a bit later with a cup of hot chocolate for me. I think she felt it was about all she could do for me though — she and Dad were both terrible at math. Neither of them had gone to college. I ended up being wrong on the time, it took me a full hour to get it done! I was so tired.

I walked into the bathroom we shared where Mom was busy getting ready for bed. “Done finally?” She asked with concern.

“Uh-huh, I’m going to bed now, goodnight,” I turned immediately around and headed for bed. She followed me and tucked me in.

As I slept that night I had some really strange dreams. I found I was dreaming of Kyle and going skiing with him snowboarding along with me. Later on that night I dreamt of us going to a movie together. It was just the two of us in the movie theater, and I found my hand was being held. I turned and smiled at him. As I turned to look at him his face turned to mine and approached…
I woke up startled! ‘Eeeeewwwwww!!!’ I thought to myself.

 

Chapter 21:

 
WHEN I WOKE up the next morning I was really confused… more so than normal. ‘I am a girl, right?’ I asked myself. ‘That’s definitely a yes!’ I replied silently.

‘So is it wrong to like boys?’

‘…girls are supposed to like boys… and if I’m a girl I guess that means I am supposed to like boys.’

I talked back and forth to myself the whole morning as I got ready. When Amy got there she gave me kind of a weird look. “Are you alright?” she asked me quietly in the back seat.

“Yeah… I just had a weird dream last night,” I told her.

She raised her eyebrow and looked suddenly interested. I shook my head and mouthed, ‘later,’ to her. I don’t think she wanted to wait, but she did behave and not ask anything more. Before long we were at the school and Melanie told us, “Have a good day girls,” as we opened our doors and got out. I hadn’t taken my saxophone home last night after jazz, it was pointless, and so we just started walking towards our normal spot waiting for the bell to ring.

“So what was this dream about?” Amy asked impatiently.

I looked around, “You can’t tell anyone about this!” I told her.

“I promise,” she said.

I believed her so I started, “Well… umm… I had a dream about Kyle last night…”

Her eyes lit up, “Really? What happened!?!” She asked far louder than I cared for. Thankfully we were still standing away from everyone.

“Well we ended up going to a movie together…” she motioned for me to go on, “and well we ended up holding hands…”

“That’s not all is it?” she asked with disappointment.

“Well no…”

“Did you make out?” She asked.

I just blushed.

“Wow, what a great dream Tiffany!”

“I guess… but isn’t it a little strange?”

“Tiff, you’re a girl, you’re supposed to dream about cute guys!” She saw something in my face, “You’re not worried about this are you?”

“Sort of… but not really… I think it just surprised me more than anything else.”

“Well what would you think if it actually happened?” She asked me. But I saw Lindsey and Ashley coming toward us and made a big show of waving at them hoping to give Amy a hint. Being the great friend she was she changed the subject immediately. As we all talked and waited for the bell to ring, I realized how cold it felt outside again today.

“It would be nice if they would let us wait inside, huh?” I jumped! Kyle was standing right behind me!

“Oh, hi Kyle,” I said once I recovered my voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Kyle told me.

“It’s okay Kyle, I was just a bit startled.”

“So how are you?” He asked me.

“I’m doing good… uh, how about yourself,” I answered. I was afraid I was blushing — there was no way he could know about my dream, but in that moment I was terrified that somehow there was something written on my face about it.

“Better if it was warmer,” he said. “By the way nice job last night, you sounded really cool with your solo!”

I did blush now, “Thanks, I think you did better though.”

All of us talked back and forth in our circle for the next few minutes until the bell rang. On the way to my first hour class with Amy and Kyle I heard someone walk by me and say, “Freak!”

Kyle, Amy, and I all looked around for whoever had said that, but we had no clue. I wasn’t even sure they had been talking to me. They both gave me a sympathetic look, but we didn’t say anything about it. I was surprised that anyone would try that with Kyle around. First hour was boring and I was suddenly presented with a lot of time to think quietly to myself.

‘What am I going to do about Kyle?’ I asked myself. ‘We agreed that we were just friend just a month ago… But, why am I dreaming about him now?’ I couldn’t answer that question. ‘He seems more interested now too… why?’ I asked myself. I knew there had to be a reason but I couldn’t pinpoint it. ‘Would there be anything that wrong about going on a date with him?’

‘Your parents will kill you.’ A part of my brain thought. ‘They told you no dating until you’re sixteen.’

‘Yeah like they’re going to really enforce that…’

‘Maybe they’re right though, I’m only twelve…’

The bell rang and woke me up from my thinking. My usual cluster of friends began moving through the hallway to science. “Hey faggot get lost!” I heard from somewhere near me, but couldn’t figure out where from. ‘Why now?’ I almost screamed at myself.

I looked over at Kyle and Amy and saw looks of pure anger. They were both incredibly mad about it, but once again we had no idea who it was. We were in a junction of the hallways when I heard a girl yell, “Stop stuffing your bra, freak!”

I was almost in tears at this point. The hallway was so crowded there was no way to know who was saying it. I felt a hand touch and grab my hand. I was almost scared for a second that it was Kyle’s hand, but it was Amy’s. I held onto her hand and we walked down the hallway. Kyle kept scanning the hallway trying to figure out who had said the things.

“I think the first one might have been Jared,” he said as we went into the classroom, “but I can’t be sure.” He seemed especially mad that he didn’t know.

“Well this started up again yesterday,” Amy said. “Tiffany, you really should go tell Mrs. Henry about this.”

“What good would that do?” I asked. She didn’t reply. Science was a trip to the library that day to research for our science projects.

David and Kyle sat at the end of the table with Amy, myself, Lindsey, and Ashley also spread about working on stuff. I don’t think Kyle and David spent much time talking about their projects. Instead they were trying to figure out who was behind all of this. They seemed to think it had to be Jared and Lucas, but they couldn’t figure out what to do. At one point David suggested they just go beat them up. It sounded good to me, but I didn’t want them getting in trouble, so I told them not to do anything stupid.

Between science and choir we didn’t hear any other taunts. Unfortunately I wondered if that was just because we weren’t walking our normal way since we were in the library. I didn’t say that though… I didn’t want to jinx it. Choir was a relaxing class while we worked on our Christmas concert music. We were singing several songs I really liked, and I especially worked hard on the one with the solo in it.

As we walked out of the class though, I tensed up. Amy noticed of course, saying, “Nothing happened last hour, maybe it was just a one-time thing.” One look at her face told me she didn’t believe it anymore than I did.

We were just outside the door to algebra when I heard, “Hey freak would you like to be a real woman? I’ll help you out!”

Amy and I hurried into class and sat down at our desks looking at each other. ‘How could I keep dealing with this?’

“Tiffany, I’m so sorry!” She told me a few minutes later when we were heading to lunch. She gave me a big hug. Kyle, David, Ashley, and Nikki had joined her in forming a human ring around me. I don’t know if Amy or Kyle had said something to them, or they just did it on their own.

I returned the hug and we stayed together as a group in line. Throughout lunch I forced myself to talk to my friends. Just before we got up to go away to our separate classes I watched Jared, Lucas, and Liza walk to the door. As they did so I began to look away, but felt myself halt as they all moved as one trio and glared at me. The amount of hate in their eyes, I didn’t even know what to say.

Kyle was sitting next to me, and as I looked away from them I found myself looking at him, “Those stupid…” he said out loud and then trailed off to where I couldn’t hear him. “It’s them,” he told me simply. “It has to be.”

I just nodded. I too was sure that it was the three of them behind everything, but I knew it had to be more. They were being smarter now, and I was sure that there had to have been at least two others involved in taunting me earlier. So far it had just been taunting, what if it became more? Was it inevitable that I wouldn’t be safe… ever?

 

BY THE END of the school day I had two more encounters with taunts that we couldn’t identify. They were good at hitting and running, I had to give them that. The worst part was that as far as any of my friends scaring off the taunting… none of them seemed to be intimidating the people doing it. It was like they had waited until a certain point in the year and were now waging an organized war against me. Maybe I was personalizing it too much… I didn’t know.

I forced myself to focus on dance practice after school. I couldn’t let them know they were getting to me, I promised myself that. My biggest fear was that there were girls on the squad involved with this. If that happened I didn’t know how I would deal with it. I didn’t think that there were though. I knew for certain though, that there were probably some girls that were only on the cheer squad that would like to see me humiliated.

At the end of practice when my Mom picked me up I was filled with emotions. The official count for the day was eight times. Eight times people had shouted stuff at me, with friends around me, and I had no firm idea of who it was. Eight times the terror gripped me, and now I had no idea of how I was going to make it through the next day.

I walked into the house, dropping off my stuff at the door where I left everything, and walked into my room, quietly closing the door behind me. Emily was sitting on top of my bed, next to my other stuffed animals. I quickly became a part of the zoo on the bed, surrounded by the animals that never judged me, with Emily surrounded in my arms. I had fought to hold the tears back all day, but enough was enough — I let them out.

I didn’t sit there long though before a knock on my door rudely interrupted my crying. I didn’t bother hiding it though, “Come-in” I sobbed at Mom.

She came in and hugged me, and I just got back to being the baby I felt like and continued to cry. After a while I managed to get a dam in front of my tear glands, and Mom felt it was safe to ask what was wrong. “Tiffany, what happened today?”

“It’s so stupid Mom!” I started. “It seems like every time I’m close to not having any more problems something else happens!”

“I know sweetie, I’m so sorry.” She said rocking me a little in her arms but waiting for me to continue.

“This morning I was walking to class with Kyle, Amy, and some others when someone yelled…” I told her about everything, “I’m sure it’s Jared, Lucas, and Liza… but even if I tell Mrs. Henry about it what can she possibly do?” I paused for a second and wiped my face with the sleeve of the sweater I had on. “I mean, I was walking with five other friends at one point — and NONE of us could tell who it was for certain!”

I didn’t say much for a long time. “What else is bothering you sweetie? Melanie said you had some sort of dream last night?”

‘OH MY GOD!!! She is not asking about this,’ I roared at myself. I blushed. “That was something else…”

She looked at me with a look that was way too curious for her own good. ‘I do not want to talk about this,’ I started to myself, ‘on the other hand maybe she can help…’ I squirmed for a few moments before deciding ‘what the heck?’

“You can’t laugh at me!” I started, still sniffling a bit.

“Okay…” She said timidly. She had no idea what she was getting into.

“Umm… I kind of had a strange dream last night.” I paused looking at her, “I was on a date… with a boy…”

“And?” She asked, she asked as a massive smirk formed on her face.

“Well we held hands in the movie theater for a bit.” I said, deciding that maybe that was enough for that.

“Aaaaannnd?” she prompted.

‘She’s way too good at reading me…’ I complained to myself. “Well… we sort of kissed…” I told her.

She controlled herself, not laughing, for that I was proud of her, but the smirk was not fair!

“Anything else?” She asked.

“No, that was it…”

“Who was it?” She asked.

“Someone… I couldn’t really tell who it was,” I lied to her. Surely I could get away with that one right?

“Uh-huh… Who is it that we have to worry about you with?” She asked.

“No one!” I told her… “I mean I’m not even sure about anything… I’m definitely not interested in dating yet…”

“Not to mention you’re not allowed to, you’re only twelve.” She reminded me.

Something about the way she said that made me stick my tongue out at her. “You know, you’re mean.”

I was relieved though, she had taken it way better than I had expected her to. “Tiffany, I don’t want you dating yet, but it’s not unusual for girls to start to be interested in boys at your age.” She reassured me. I smiled back at her. “But, I really don’t want you getting serious with anyone yet. And, you have to be careful.” She could have gone on further, but she didn’t then. I appreciated that.

“I will Mommy,” I told her in my sweet innocent little girls’ voice.

“Oh don’t go all innocent on me now,” she told me. For some bizarre reason she started tickling me then. She didn’t stop until I was laughing and smiling, and dying of a need to go to the bathroom!

“Stop already, I’ll be careful!” I pushed the hair that had gotten all messed up out of my eyes.

“Why don’t you take a shower real quick while I get dinner done, okay?” She suggested.

“Okay,” I said. She kissed me gently on the top of my head and left the room. Mom succeeded in helping me make it through that night without dwelling on the incidents from today too much. I worked for several hours on homework, one of those while on the phone with Amy.

“Tiffany?” Mom hollered at me about nine.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Don’t forget you have appointments with Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Wilmer tomorrow. I’m going to pick you up from school tomorrow morning around nine.”

“Can’t I just skip school all morning?” I asked.

“No sweetie, you miss enough classes for these appointments, you shouldn’t miss anymore than you have to.”

I knew that was that so I let it go. My homework was done, even the stuff for the classes I was skipping out on tomorrow, so I headed to bed via a stop at the bathroom. Dad stopped by my room as I was getting ready to turn off the lights. He had just gotten home from work, something had gone wrong with some of the equipment he was in charge of, and he’d put in a fourteen hour day because of it.

“Goodnight sweetie,” he told me as he gave me hug.

“Goodnight Daddy,” I told him. From there I climbed into bed and did my best to sleep. I alternated between thinking about everything bad today, to thinking about what it would really be like to date Kyle, or any other boy for that matter…

 

I DREADED STEPPING out of the car that morning. Things had been so bad yesterday, and I didn’t see any reason why it would have improved. To make matters even more uncomfortable, right after I got out of the car with Amy I saw Kyle and David. I felt myself turn a little red as I thought about what I had been thinking last night. Amy seemed to know what I was thinking because she gave me a wink and a smile as he walked up to us. “Hey guys,” Amy said to them.

“Hey,” they both replied at the same time. They walked with me over to the band room to leave my instrument. I’d barely touched it last night and I didn’t even know why I had bothered to take it home.

As we stood outside waiting for the bell to ring everyone was on edge. None of us really knew what was going on, but I think Kyle and David were both looking in the hopes of figuring out who was doing stuff. That did bring a thin smile to my face. At least I knew if they figured out who it was, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting the principal to do something about it. I was sure that the two of them would have a ‘talk’ with them. The bell rang and we actually made it into my first hour class without incident.

“Maybe they aren’t going to be stupid today?” Kyle suggested to Amy and I.

“I’m not going to knock it, but I’m also not going to hold my breath.” I replied.

They both just smiled at me hopefully. Class dragged on during first hour. Mom would be picking me up just after second period began, so there was a lot of anticipation I felt towards that. What would Dr. Wilmer say about my hormone results so far? I had noticed that my breasts seemed to be getting bigger, and I think that was part of what the one girl had yelled at me about yesterday. They still weren’t anything worth bragging about, but they were growing.

Then of course Dr. Reynolds… I was sure that she’d be worried about me after the last week… ‘It’s going to be a long morning,’ I thought to myself.

As the bell rang for second hour I crossed my fingers that I would be able to make it without anything else happening until the appointment. I had just made it to second hour science, and sat down when a voice came over the intercom saying, “Mr. Grainger would you please send Tiffany down to the office? She’s being picked up.”

“Have a good day Tiffany,” He told me politely as I stood to leave.

“Thanks,” I said to him. “See you all later,” I told my friends.

I hated walking through the hallway by myself. The tardy bell had rung though, so there weren’t many students around. I passed a couple of gang members, but they didn’t really concern me. We were on opposite planes of existence and it wasn’t worth their trouble to bother me. I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked safely into the office and saw Mom there waiting for me.

“You ready sweetie?” she asked.

I just nodded. I was never truly ready for this kind of stuff. I followed her out of the office and out to where the car was waiting. The drive to the hospital took a little over thirty minutes that day. Somehow we avoided too much traffic, and I was soon in the waiting room for their lab first. I wasn’t exactly thrilled as they stuck me with a fat needle and took four vials of blood. “Here sweetie hold your arm up like this and hold this down,” the nurse told me after she pulled it out.

There was something disturbing to me the way the blood would pour into the vials and look almost like a soft drink swirling around in the tube. She returned and asked, “which band-aid do you want sweetie?”

She showed me a plain one, one with Rugrats, one with Barney, and one with Barbie. I pointed towards the Barbie one with my nose, my hand still otherwise occupied, “Barbie!” I told her with a smile.

“How old are you sweetie,” she asked as she took the gauze that I was holding off and put the band-aid on.

“Twelve,” I told her.

She looked a little surprised at that as she apparently hadn’t looked at my chart. “Well sweetie thank you for being so cooperative. You’re small enough I was a little concerned you were going to put up a fight,” she smiled at me.

I was almost scared to ask, “How old did you think I was?”

She looked a little embarrassed, “Eight or nine,” she paused before adding, “now that I think about it though you act much more mature than that.”

“Thanks,” I replied to her for the compliment before I got up and walked away with Mom to the elevator. I pushed the familiar button to go to Dr. Reynolds’ office. Mom put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me close to her.

“Hello Tiffany,” Dr. Reynolds secretary told me with a smile when we walked into her waiting area.

“Hi,” I told her simply while returning the smile. Mom signed me in while I took a seat. I noticed that there was a brand new Seventeen magazine that I hadn’t read yet for December, so I picked it up. I didn’t sit long though before Dr. Reynolds came out and said, “Tiffany? Ready to come back?”

“I guess,” I told her with not a whole lot of excitement into my voice. I had a feeling it was going to be a particularly brutal session today. I followed her into the office with Mom behind me.

Dr. Reynolds made some small talk with me for a bit before dismissing my mom and starting to talk about me. As I explained last week with Uncle Allen I broke down crying. “I felt so bad for Caleb, Stephanie, and Dad!” I told her. We spent a long while talking about it and her trying to keep me sane about it. That spilled over into the verbal and written attacks from this past week.

“Tiffany, there’s a saying I want you to remember, ‘no one can make you feel inferior except yourself.’ It’s hard I know, the words are harsh… and it really hurts when those kids are being stupid like that… but they’ll only succeed in making you feel like that if you let them.”

“I know that, but it still hurts,” I told her.

“Anything else happen this week?” She asked. She noticed that I was hesitating about something, “Tiffany, you can tell me anything you know. And you need to,” she insisted.

I sighed, “Well I had this dream the other night.” I paused for a second as she motioned for me to continue. I told her about the dream and she proceeded to ask me lots of follow-up questions on it.

“Tiffany, I think this is actually a good thing,” she started, “It tells me that you really are adjusted to being a girl, and I think it’s going to be only normal for you to take an interest in boys. Just be careful and don’t get involved too much with anyone. It’s going to be tough on both of you dealing with your differences.”

I sighed, “I hate to tell you this, but you sound like my mother, Doctor.”

“Well your mom’s smart, listen to her,” she ordered.

She had me sit outside for a few minutes while she talked to my Mom, and then it was time to run upstairs for my appointment with Dr. Wilmer. I said a quick, ‘bye’ to the secretary in Dr. Reynolds’ office before we entered the elevator and pushed another button. At Dr. Wilmer’s office Mom handed the secretary some paperwork they’d given us from the lab. She made a phone call down there and made sure that the blood work was getting done quickly.

I ended up sitting in that waiting room for about fifteen minutes before a nurse called me. She weighed me and took my height before leading me into a room with Mom right behind me. “Dr. Wilmer asked for me to go ahead and ask you to change into this gown,” she said handing me a pink hospital gown. I gave Mom a look and she waited outside for a few moments while I took off everything except my panties. When she returned she chattered for a bit while we waited.

By this point I was not exactly comfortable as I felt naked in the gown. I was also mentally tired from my session with Dr. Reynolds and just wanted this appointment over with too. “Good morning,” Dr. Wilmer said finally as he entered the room.

“Hi,” I said shyly. This was only my third or fourth time of seeing him.

“Sorry to keep you waiting Mrs. Jacobson,” he said to my mom, “I wanted to make sure I had the results from her blood tests before meeting with you.” He motioned to the chart that was in his hands.

“How does it look?” My mom asked.

“Well it looks pretty good actually. Tiffany’s blood work looks like that of an average girl her age. The estrogen levels in her blood are right on target for now.” He said with a smile. Dr. Wilmer took another look at the chart before saying, “Everything else looks good level wise too. How have you been feeling Tiffany?” He asked me.

“Fine I guess,” I told him. I hadn’t noticed anything that was probably from the hormones. Although Dr. Reynolds did tell me that there might be a connection between them and my dreams. I was personally fine with it if it was. Once I got past how weird it was, I actually really enjoyed thinking about it.

“Good. Have you been noticing any results development wise?” he asked Mom and myself.

I blushed automatically, “Some,” I told him.

“Well let me make sure everything looks right,” he told me. He had me pull the gown up to where he could see my chest. “Good, there is some development starting to go on here,” he told me. He gently pressed against my skin and I winced a little. “Sore?” He asked. He continued to examine me and make sure things looked normal.

“A little,” I told him. Part of it was also it felt strange to have someone touching me there. I was proud of how they were growing though. I was just hoping that maybe by January I would be at an AA cup size. Amy had moved onto a full A cup already, I was so jealous of her!

“That’s normal. If you find it’s bothering you too much take some Tylenol,” he said as he continued checking over me. He listened to my lungs like a normal doctor, as well as then checking my lower area thoroughly. That was really embarrassing. I made it through it though and he let me pull the gown back down.

“Well Mrs. Jacobson everything looks fine with Tiffany. She’s developing at a pretty normal pace. I don’t want to up the levels at all, she is only twelve. I think at this rate by the time she’s fifteen or so she should be indistinguishable from the other girls. Excepting the genitals of course,” nothing of the conversation seemed to faze him, but I certainly felt embarrassed multiple times.

He and Mom eventually left the room and I was able to get back into my clothes. As we walked out of the hospital she grabbed my hand and gently squeezed. I squeezed back and forced a smile towards her that looked real enough. “Do you want to get something to eat before I take you back to school?”

“Sure?” I replied. “There’s nothing wrong with missing more classes.” I told her that time with a genuine smile.

“Not too long though. Olive Garden?” She suggested.

“Okay!”

It was only about eleven, so it wasn’t too busy there — Mom and I were seated quickly. We just had soup and salad. Afterwards Mom asked me, “Are you ready to go back to school?”

I sighed, “No?”

She just smiled at me and said, “Come on, let’s get you back.”

I groaned and sat quietly for the drive back. ‘At least the day’s been going well,’ I thought to myself in her car. Back at school she walked into the office with me and signed me back in. Fifth period was just about half-way through as I walked into home-ec. I handed my note to Coach Holt and sat down in my usual seat next to Amy. It turned out we were working on another sewing project today, so I began helping her out, cutting pattern pieces as she pinned them to fabric.

“Everything go alright?” She asked me.

I nodded, “Yeah, though I really hate having to go to classes after time with Dr. Reynolds.”

“I can understand that…” she then caught me up on what I’d missed that morning. Not much, from what I could tell. Home-ec went by fairly quickly and we moved onto English. We were given time to read our non-fiction book for our book report that was going to be due soon. I had decided to use a book on filmmaking I’d found in the library. As I sat down to start reading it I enjoyed learning more and more about how real movies were made.

Our little film had done really well, but I was learning all sorts of things that would make things work even better. I ended up daydreaming through part of the class about what I could actually do with the right equipment. Real film cameras, on real dollies, real actors, all of that would make things so cool! As Nikki and Ashley walked next to me to band I couldn’t help but tell them about some of the things I was reading. We all agreed we’d love to do another project and make a film for real. Unfortunately coming up with the money for such a film wasn’t something that seemed possible. It sounded like it would be at least a hundred-thousand dollars to do anything at all, let alone something really, really good!

After band I walked down to the locker room and opened my locker, talking to Lindsey as I turned the knob, and then gasped at what I saw! I just froze for a moment, stopping in mid-sentence, when Lindsey looked over my shoulder and said, “GROSS!”

Amy had appeared right then too, “Who would leave their bloody tampon in her locker?!?”

A very used tampon was sitting atop the top that I wore each day for practice. By now all of the girls were gathering, and that was enough to clue in Coach as she walked in. “What’s going on ladies?” she asked.

“Someone left a tampon in Tiffany’s locker,” Kristina said. “And not one still in its wrapper,” she added.

Coach Holt took one look at it before grabbing a paper towel to grab it and throw it in the trash can. The look on her face was one that could kill. As she picked it up I noticed a note that had been left too. There had been just enough room through the diamond shape holes in the locker for whoever did it to slip the tampon in, and they had used the same holes to slip the note in. It was labeled, ‘Freak.’

I had been just about ready to pick it up, but Coach had seen it as well and grabbed it with her other hand. She threw the tampon away, and then unfurled the note. If she had looked angry before the note, she was furious now! “WHO DID THIS?” She bellowed.

None of the girls said anything. I was just coming to terms with the fact that someone had left something so disgusting in my locker. Why couldn’t I just get back to living normally?

“I want to know who did this Ladies, and I want to know it now!” Coach Holt said aloud.

Again, none of the girls said anything. Was it really one of the girls that were standing in the room? Or, was it someone else, someone from an earlier PE class. I don’t think any of us had really looked at the tampon to see how ‘fresh’ it was. I was looking at Coach past the locker, so I could see that it must have been wet when it was put in there — there was blood on my shirt that it had been sitting on.

Coach Holt got really quiet with her voice then, “Ladies, I hope this wasn’t any of you. If I discover any of you were involved with this I will kick you off the team! I will also make sure that you receive a strong sentence from the office. You all need to be respectful of your squad members. Any more incidents and I’m going to seriously reconsider us going to nationals next month.” She paused and let that sink in.

“I’m going to ask that if you know who did this that you tell me. I want to know, and I want it to stop.” She had said all of this in a voice barely above a whisper. She stared us down for several minutes and then walked over to my locker, picked up the blood stained top, and said, “Tiffany, come with me please.”

To the rest of the girls she said sternly, “Get dressed. I want you in the cafeteria in five minutes.”

I followed her without a word, but wasn’t surprised when we got into the coach’s office that Amy had followed me too. Coach started to say something to her about going away, but her mouth closed without making a sound as she closed the door. “Tiffany? Has a lot of stuff been going on again recently?” She asked me.

I just nodded. I still didn’t know what the note said. “Coach? What does the note say?” I asked.

She shook her head, “Tiffany, you really don’t want to read it…”

“I have to copy it and give my parents a copy anyway…” I told her reluctantly. Part of me really wanted to just let it pass me by. I didn’t want to know. Maybe it was just a harmless, if not disgusting, prank by another girl. But of course I’d seen enough of the lettering on the outside of the note, and the derogatory word written on it, to know it wasn’t a harmless prank.

Coach Holt looked at me for a long moment before giving me a grim nod. She had crumpled it up in her anger some, but smoothed it out a little as she handed it to me. I silently read it. The wording was as crude as anything I had been given yet. Most notably they said, “Since you can’t do this on your own, here’s a tampon you can borrow so that people think you’re a REAL girl.” It continued on a few sentences later, “If you don’t leave our school we’ll make sure that you have more than enough soaked in your own blood…” Well, actually it was worse than anything before. A lot worse.

“Tiffany,” Amy said next to me compassionately giving me a hug.

I wanted to lose it then, I wanted to cry my eyes out, I wanted nothing more than for my mommy to hold me and rock me back and forth — I wanted all of that at once. I barely even knew what a tampon was. A few months ago while I was at Ashley’s house she’d gotten one out of her bathroom and shown me. Amy had just started needing them a couple weeks ago. Of course you would occasionally see one someone had carelessly left out in the bathroom, but… I was getting more and more upset and wanting to cry. In case any of the girls involved were in the locker room I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction though.

I took a deep breath. A second later I took another. After thirty or so I was getting mad. ‘How dare they do this to me?!?’

“So I take it this has been happening elsewhere too?” Coach asked again compassionately. I think she could tell I was about to lose it.

I nodded, “Nothing happened for a long time, but the last couple weeks it’s been getting bad again.”

“Have you talked to Mrs. Henry?”

“Yes, but we don’t know who it is,” I told her.

Amy took the moment to say something, “We think it might be Jared, Lucas, and Liza… but we aren’t sure…”

“Plus there’s at least seven of them I think,” I added to her. “Just the other day they would start shouting things at me and then run away before we could tell who it was,” I paused, “they’ve been even doing it when I’ve got five or six friends around — including Kyle and David.” I shrugged, “I don’t know what to do anymore.” I was really shaking now.

Coach Holt I think decided that she’d investigated as much as she could then. The girls had all walked out of the locker room to the cafeteria as instructed. “Well Tiffany why don’t I go copy this for you and show your shirt to Mrs. Henry. Do you have another top you can wear for practice?”

I shook my head. “I’ve got another one Tiff,” Amy told me. “Can we get changed now?” she asked Coach.

“Yeah,” she sighed, “go ahead. Unless you want to skip practice today?”

I sniffled, my nose was running, “I’m not going to give whoever did it the satisfaction.”

Coach Holt gave me a look in her eyes that flickered back and forth between worry and understanding. She looked torn about asking me more, but instead just simply nodded at me.

Amy led me back to her locker and handed me a spare shirt she had, it was one of the shirts from camp this past summer, and I went with the rest of my clean clothes through the coach’s office into the bathroom there to change. I was mad at this point. No one had any right to do this to me! I almost let myself cry there but held back, ‘not till later,’ I promised myself.

By the time I returned out to the locker room I looked at Amy a little calmer. “Are you alright Tiff?” She asked me.

“No. You?” I asked her, noticing it looked like her eyes were red as well.

“No. It’s not right Tiff! You’re not hurting anyone. You’re probably the nicest girl in the school, you’re so much better than they are! They’re the freaks!” She started crying at that point and we gave each other a hug and held each other.

‘So much for not crying,’ I told myself a second later. The two of us cried on each other’s shoulders for a long time. I finally sniffed and said, “Look, we need to get out there. I don’t want to give those retards the satisfaction of knowing they’re getting to me.”

She wiped her eyes off with her hands, I did the same, and then we both splashed some water on our faces to clear off the redness. Together we walked out into the cafeteria about the same time that Coach Holt returned. Practice was brutal that day for most of the girls except Amy and me. Part of that was that the two of us knew the routines better than anyone else, part of it was because I think Coach Holt knew us well enough to know that if I was dealing with something, so was Amy. By the end of practice I was really looking forward to going home.

After she dismissed us from practice Amy and I walked back to the locker room together. Almost every girl told me they couldn’t believe someone would do that, and asked what the note said. I told them thanks for supporting me when they said the former, and the latter I answered with the shake of my head saying, “It’s not worth repeating.”

When I had changed back into my normal clothes I found that my mom was waiting there in the office with Coach, holding a copy of the note. I saw that she had a plastic grocery sack in her other hand that looked like it held my soiled shirt. She looked furious. Mom also looked like she was really hurt about it all. “No one seems to be putting a stop to this,” Mom was telling Coach. “They say they can’t do anything…”

“Maybe it’s time for another meeting with the principal?” Coach suggested helpfully.

“For what good that will do…” Mom said bitterly. She saw me at that point and tried to smile, but it didn’t work too well. “Hi sweetie,” she told me.

I walked over to her and got the hug I so desperately needed. “Hi,” I told her softly.

She kissed the top of my head and said, “Come on, let’s go home.” She put a hand on my back and led me out.

“Have a better evening Tiffany,” Coach Holt said behind me. I turned and waved politely before walking out with Amy right next to me too.

“Your mom is waiting in the car outside Amy,” Mom told her.

“Okay,” was about all Amy was up to saying. She wasn’t happy either. Outside I noticed it felt kind of cold and warm at the same time. Thick clouds had rolled in during practice which, coupled with the late season, made it almost pitch black outside. Mom and Melanie were parked next to each other in the parking lot. Mom unlocked my door and then talked to Melanie for a second through her rolled down window.

Melanie didn’t look real happy either with all of that. She actually got out of her car, leaving Amy in it with it running, and came by my window which I rolled down. “Tiffany I’m so sorry,” she said while leaning in and giving me a hug.

“S’okay, not your fault,” I told her. She said a few other things to me that just didn’t even register, but at least she showed me that she cared. Amy made a motion with her hand to her ear for me to call her later, I just nodded.

The drive home was silent. Mom was mad about everything, but I think she was also worried. Though I hated it when she said it, I was her baby. As her only child I was her whole world — the idea of something happening to me scared her. That this particular thing was disgusting and nasty was a whole other situation. I didn’t know what to think or do about it. I felt powerless.

As we pulled into the driveway I asked, “Do you mind if I take a shower before dinner tonight?”

“Go ahead sweetheart,” she told me. She had a forced smile on her face that looked all too familiar from Coach Holt’s face earlier.

“Thanks,” I said. I didn’t bother to try.

I looked in my pajama drawer for the most comfortable pair of pajamas I could find. I decided on a pair of comfy purple sweat pants and a matching sweatshirt. I grabbed a pair of panties and jumped into the shower. As I did so I thought maybe I should have done a bath instead, but it was too late then. Instead I kept the water as hot as I could stand, and just stood there letting the water roll through my hair for a while. Several minutes passed before I turned and faced directly at the shower head and let it massage my facial muscles.

‘I can’t do this forever,’ I told myself. ‘I shouldn’t have to put up with this!’

‘What harm happened today though?’ That thought again. ‘It was gross, but it wasn’t like it was the first time I’ve seen it…’ There was a part of me that was trying to soothe the panic that raged inside of me. This was the second threat I’d received in the last couple weeks. ‘Is someone going to try and make good on it?’ That was the worst part. I had so many good friends that I could really look past the insults. They hurt, no doubt about it… but physical harm would be a completely different thing.

I don’t know by the clock how long I stood there, but eventually a part of my brain registered that the water had grown considerably cooler. I hadn’t washed anything with soap at all, so I quickly used shampoo on my hair and used some body soap on my body. By the time I finished the water was downright cold! Normally I might have made some sort of effort with my hair, or anything appearance wise, but I just pulled on my panties, put on the sweatpants, the sweatshirt, and called it all done. My hair was wet and not very dignified looking as I walked out to the kitchen.

Normally my mom would have made a comment like, ‘I thought you would never get out of there,’ to me… but not tonight. I think she had sensed my need for comfort food, so dinner tonight was grilled cheese and soup. Dad had the same gloomy look on his face as Mom, so I was sure that they had already talked about what had happened. The shirt still stood inside the bag over on the counter with the folded up copy of the note next to it. I wasn’t very hungry, only eating half of the sandwich and a quarter of the soup before I asked, “Do you mind if I go practice now?”

Mom looked thoughtfully at me before nodding. I went out to the living room where I’d left my saxophone and took it to my bedroom. I hated having anyone hear me practice, but since that was impossible in the house I settled for not having them watch me. I pulled out the large stack of music I was supposed to be practicing. My day hadn’t been bad until after school at least. I lost myself in the music for a long time. I looked up and saw it was already eight-thirty by the time I stopped. I felt a bit better by then though.

As I cleaned my saxophone I looked at it wistfully wishing for a new one. This one wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t as nice of one as I would like. Some of the more expensive ones had an extra key on them. Some of them were also prettier colors and one color all the way through the keys and the body — I liked how they looked. I still cleaned this one well though, since my parents had sacrificed a lot to buy it. We were in better shape now thanks to the money from the film, but I didn’t think they could be just going and buying me whatever. They hadn’t mentioned anything to me about costs for Dr. Reynolds or Dr. Wilmer, but I was sure that wasn’t cheap.

My parents had done everything I’d ever needed. They’d put up with everything without thinking I was a ‘freak,’ unlike certain other family members and people in my school. Not once had they expressed any anger at me about it. I couldn’t help but feel thankful for that. My thoughts finally returned to the present. I finished putting it into the case then walked out to the living room with it so I wouldn’t forget it tomorrow. Mom and Dad were in there sitting talking on the couch. I put the sax down and decided to go hop in my dad’s lap.

“You have gotten a little big for this you know,” he told me with a smile.

“I don’t care,” I told him. “I’m not that big,” I added afterwards while looking up at his face.

He smiled at me and gave me a hug. “So you’re going with Amy and her parents to go skiing tomorrow night?”

I let my jaw drop. With everything that had happened tonight I’d forgotten all about it. “Oh yeah…” I said. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten. Well maybe I could.

“Well I’m sure you’ll have a really good time up there,” he told me. I just nodded as he began rocking me back and forth a bit in his arms like when I’d been little.

Mom spoke up for the first time, “Your dad and I have been talking… we think it would be a really good idea for us to go in and talk to Mrs. Henry with you and Greg there.”

“Is he even free to come in with us?” I asked.

“I talked to him a little bit ago and he said he could make it if we let him know when.” Dad said. “He took tomorrow off from clients to get ready to go up to the condo.”

“Oh, good,” I said simply. Reality was beginning to set in again, and I was kind of going into a fog.

“Are you okay sweetie?” Dad asked. Mom looked at the two of us from her spot on the couch.

“Okay I guess.” I started to lie, but then added, “I have to say this all really sucks.”

“Yes it does,” he said. “Though I would prefer it if you wouldn’t say that word,” he added gently.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Do we need to get you into Dr. Reynolds again next week instead of just in two weeks?” he asked with concern in his voice.

I shook my head. It wouldn’t really do any good to go in any sooner.

“Let us know if you change your mind,” Mom added.

“ ’kay,” I told her.

I just sat there for a bit in his arms. I felt safe and protected there, something that was going away fast at school. There had been a solid month where things had been good… normal even! It just couldn’t last. After a while I looked at the clock and saw it was five till nine and remembered I had promised to call Amy. As if by magic the phone rang. It was just within Mom’s reach, so she picked it up.

“Hello?” she asked while listening to the other side of the phone.

“Just a minute Amy, I’ll get her over here.” Mom told her. She held the phone down and stated the obvious, “It’s Amy…”

I didn’t really want to get up, I was too comfy, but I had broken my promise to call her so I reluctantly got up. I just sat on the carpet in front of Mom and started talking to her.

“Hey Amy, I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” I started off.

“It’s okay Tiff, I don’t blame you.” She said reassuringly, “Today sucked,” she added.

“Yeah it did,” I told her.

“You ready for tomorrow at least?” Amy asked me.

“Sort of… I haven’t packed yet,” I paused, “I’d honestly forgotten all about it until my dad reminded me a few minutes ago.”

“Well you had a lot on your mind,” she told me. “Don’t forget your swimsuit,” she told me switching the subject.

“Okay… anything else I need to bring along with me?”

“Nothing more than last time. I’m really looking forward to going there this weekend! It’s supposed to snow a foot or more there tonight, so there’ll be a lot of fresh powder up there.”

“Cool,” I told her. I was feeling a little more excited, all the more by the prospect of not having to think about my problems at home this weekend. Just as I was beginning to really think about it I felt a brush start moving through my still wet hair. It felt really good, and I missed the next thing that Amy said.

“Tiffany? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry… Mom just started brushing my hair — it feels good,” I said with a smile while turning my head to thank her.

“So are you going to be able to just bring your stuff out to the car tomorrow morning when we pick you up for school?”

“Yeah, I can do that. How cold do you think it’ll be up there?”

“Daddy said it was going to be pretty cold Saturday. Much colder than when we were up there last time.”

“Okay… well Amy I think I have some homework left to get done — since I haven’t done anything on it. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten anything done yet either. See you tomorrow,” She said. I could sense the smile on the other side of the phone. I handed the phone to Mom who had to stop with the brush for a second while she hung it up.

“Thanks,” I told her as I allowed myself to purr a little while she continued.

I was disappointed when she stopped a few minutes later, “Okay time to get that homework done,” she told me.

I gave her a frown but got my homework out and began working on it in the living room on the coffee table. Thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot. We were having a quiz in math tomorrow, so Mr. Martin had been nice enough to not give us homework tonight. That left just a short English assignment, and a quick social studies assignment, both of which I finished in twenty minutes.

‘I still have to pack,’ I told myself a few moments after I got the homework put back with my backpack. The nice thing was that by the time I got to my room I saw my mom already had my small purple duffle bag set out for me, and had set my ski pants on top of it. I picked out a couple sweatshirts with some lighter shirts to layer underneath for the daytime. I debated about pajamas and decided on a set of pink flannel pajamas. I didn’t take a long time to pack, but by the time I was ready for bed it was already almost ten.

I told my parents ‘good night,’ and then went to my bedroom. My mom followed though. She tucked me in, kissed me goodnight on the forehead, and turned off my light before closing my door. The day had been awful, yet another bad day in the week that had not been good. I could only hope that Friday would be better. Fortunately I was tired enough that even my worries about the next day couldn’t keep me awake.