Intro by Carla Ann

“Tiffany, I’ve asked you how everything is going with people and the activities you’re involved in, but you haven’t mentioned how you are coping with everything.” She emphasized the ‘you,’ when she asked that.

“Well, better than I was last year,” I started. “Way better than last year… I have a lot of friends now, and I’m not getting picked on every day.” I saw her eyes boring into me looking for something else. “Alright, I don’t know how I’m doing right now.” I told her honestly.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Well for one I’m really tired of everyone guessing I’m five if I wear the wrong clothes.” I told her hesitantly. I was sure my parents had filled her in with everything anyway, “Tuesday was pajama day. Mom and I had found some cute pajamas with feet on them that would fit Amy and me, so we wore them for pajama day. We really did look cute dressed like that, and I was having a lot of fun with it. That was until the sub in English class thought that I was someone’s little sister that had come them to school that day.”

I was really surprised Dr. Reynolds didn’t laugh about it, but I continued, “Then the next day the whole squad was wearing shortalls and our hair done in pigtails and I looked to be about five again. One of my best friends even brought a doll to school to play a joke on the sub that we’d had. I don’t think she knew that it really upset me though. I’m not five, I’m twelve! Amy has grown about five inches here in the last couple months, but I’m still the same height I was last year. It’s good for cheerleading stuff because people can toss me so easily… but…” I was doing my best to not go into tears over all of this. “as long as we’ve got my puberty stopped then I won’t be doing much growing. That’s all on top of the fact that I’m never going to be able to have periods like my friends… and I’m stuck with this stupid thing between my legs,” I told her with a great deal of exasperation. “I’m so tired of having to look at it, or hide it, every time I turn around. I know you can’t do anything about it till I’m eighteen – but I wish it could be gone now!” I had gone to tears now.

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The Legal Stuff: Dreaming of Cheers  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar
 
This is a work of fiction. Names, Characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.
 
 
Preface
 
 
It’s been a long road to publishing this third book in my Standing Up to Life Series. I began writing the first book over two years ago, putting the first two books out in a quick succession of six months work. The third book became more challenging to finish as I had set my sights on only writing a trilogy. I declared myself finished last August, but found myself unhappy with the ending. Well seven months later I feel this is ready to give to you, my readers, and I hope you will enjoy it. It has not gone on the track I had expected, and indeed there will probably be at least one more book following this in order to complete Tiffany’s story. I hope you will find that your wait has been worth it.

Like the first two books I posted here, I will be posting a full copy here on BigCloset. This time I am going to upload two chapters per week to the site. The full version should be completely posted by August. For those that cannot wait however, I have an e-book version of the full book available from Lulu.com as of today. You may find it at My Store. My assumption is that the majority of my readers would be more interested in this edition of the book rather than a hardback or paperback. If you enjoy this work perhaps you will consider supporting me by purchasing it ($5.95 for the eBook).

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy reading Dreaming of Cheers!

 

Chapter 14:

 
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY passed by really quickly. I had tried to make plans to stay the night at Amy’s house on Thursday, but Mom had reminded me that I had doctor’s appointments. If we got home early enough I was still going to try and go over to her house, I wasn’t holding my breath though. Immediately after school Mom came and picked me up and took me to my first appointment which was with Dr. Wilmer.

“How are you doing?” he asked me as I came in.

“I’m doing good,” I told him nervously. I didn’t know why I was nervous, but I was. Eventually after some small talk and asking about any side effects I might be having he had me pull my shirt off so he could see how the growth was developing. After making sure there wasn’t anything unusual he said, “I’m not a gynecologist, but everything seems to be growing in normally for you as if you were born a girl. You’ll probably be able to fit into a real bra here in another month or two,” he told me as I pulled my sweatshirt back down over my chest.

He then had me pull my pants off and looked at the remainders of Brandon that I wished more than anything were gone. It was really embarrassing. When he was done, and I was completely dressed again, he made plans with my mom for us to come back again in another month. Probably when I was off from school, he suggested. The last thing he did was draw few vials of blood out of my arm.

Then we were off to see Dr. Reynolds downstairs. Our appointment with Dr. Wilmer had taken a little longer than we’d anticipated so we were just walking in right at our appointment time. Dr. Reynolds talked with my mom for a bit and then I went in and talked to her about stuff. The concerns I had about my dad got brought up by me.

“Tiffany, I think everything’ll work out there. Just know this is really hard on him too.” She told me. I nodded. “Don’t worry about it, it’ll work itself out.” She told me with a smile. My mom had come in again for a bit and we talked about things together with her for a bit.

“I think everything is going well right now, just keep doing what you’re doing Tiffany,” she told me. After I had gone into the lobby my mom had hung back for a moment and the two of them had shared something between them before Mom came back down the hallway and we went home. By the time we got home it was already six-thirty and mom didn’t want me going over to Amy’s. I pouted, but there was nothing I could do to budge her.

Friday after school I went over to Amy’s and did stay the night then. In a role reversal, I was the one that had to go back home early on Saturday morning. My parents hadn’t bothered telling me until late Thursday night that they were planning on getting some family pictures done on Saturday. When I got home that morning Mom had helped me pick out three other outfits besides my dresses that she wanted me to have my pictures taken in.

I’d gone ahead and put on the green holiday dress before she did my hair and makeup. She hadn’t done much, but what she had done looked really pretty. At the end of her working on my hair she added a green bow to the side of my head that matched my dress.

“Ready yet ladies?” My dad asked as he came into the kitchen as she was finishing up.

“Let me run to the bathroom real quick and then I’ll be ready,” I told him. By the time I returned out to the living room he had my other two dresses, my duffle bag, and my saxophone case in his hands. I’d been to the photo studio we were going to once before with Amy and her mom, but it had been long enough ago that I didn’t really remember where we were going. After a long time in the car we pulled up to the building I vaguely remembered.

Once again dad was relegated to the task for carrying my stuff as we walked in. The lady at the front looked at us as we came in and asked, “Are you the Jacobson’s?”

“Yes,” my mom answered.

“I’ll go let him know that you’re here.” She told us, before adding, “You can take your other outfits into the dressing room this way.” She pointed to a set of changing rooms I remembered from last time. It wasn’t long after I hung up my dresses that Dad was carrying that the photographer came out to meet us.

“How are you all doing?” he asked.

“Good,” my mom answered.

“Great! Well let’s get started. Why don’t we take care of the family picture first?” he suggested. Soon after that he got to work. We took pictures as family in several different poses and in front of different backgrounds. He took a few of me by myself in more places and poses before I went to go change into another dress while he took some more pictures of my mom and dad together.

It didn’t take me long to change into the other dress, but I did have to be really careful to check my face and hair. This next dress was the one that had the black bodice with the red skirt. Mom came up shortly after that and pulled a red bow out to put in my hair. She checked things over herself and then I was in the middle of another family picture, more pictures of me by myself, and then changing clothes again.

The last dress was the one I’d worn Monday, the black and white one, and I found myself enjoying myself as we took another round of pictures that I was sure you could see my breasts growing in. Mom had the photographer take some pictures of me holding my saxophone in this set. Three combinations of sweaters and jeans/skirts later I was in my last outfit — my dance outfit. I’d missed the team pictures for the cheerleading squad, so Mom decided we should make up for those while we were doing all of this.

Needless to say by the time I’d gotten back into just my simple jeans and a sweater outfit, I was tired of pictures.

“I should have proofs developed and printed today if you would like to come back and see them and pick,” the photographer offered.

“When do you think you can get them printed by?” my mom asked.

“Should be done by Monday evening if you come and pick out which ones you want before five today.”

“We’ll do that then,” my dad said.

“Okay, see you in a bit then.” He told them.

We went home for a bit to get rid of my clothes, and I changed into my much more comfortable set of sweats. I wasn’t feeling real great all of the sudden, and since I’d been more than a little bit dressed up earlier I felt like I should be more comfortable. Just after I got done changing I called Amy to kill a few minutes.

“Hey Amy,” I said.

“Hey Tiff, how were pictures?” she asked.

“Ugh… I thought I felt like a Barbie doll with you and your mom that last time… but I felt even more like it this time because Mom kept fixing this and that. I was surprised she didn’t make me let her dress me!” I said.

She snickered, “Well just to warn you I think you may have another round in a couple weeks.”

“Huh?” I asked suddenly.

“My mom was talking about doing another set of us together before Christmas.”

“Well at least I’ll have some company that way,” I told her.

“When do you get these back?” she asked.

“We’re supposed to go look at proofs in a little bit, and they said they’ll have them ready Monday night…. I think my parents want them done before we go up to Denver next week.”

“Wow, I can’t believe Thanksgiving is already next week! Are you excited?”

“Not really. Honestly I’m scared. This is the first time most of the family will have seen me since last Christmas. My parents sent some pictures to them… but that’s not the same as seeing them.”

“It’ll be okay Tiff,” she told me.

“Tiffany, we need to go!” I heard my mom call suddenly.

“Well I guess you heard that Amy, I’ll talk to you more later?” I suggested.

“Yeah. You should see if you can come over tomorrow and do homework — or maybe even stay the night.” She suggested.

“I’ll try.” I told her. I wasn’t holding out hope too much. My mom seemed to be hinting I needed to spend more time around my dad.

With that we got back into the car and began looking through a lot of proof pictures at the photo studio. I looked pretty in all of them, and that satisfied me. I was actually smiling a lot by the time we finished. We picked out two family pictures, one of me in each dress, one of just them together, and one of each of the outfits I wore, plus two of the black dress since I had the saxophone in one. My parents also got a second one with my dance uniform in front of a different background.

“Okay, that should do it then. Like I said, by Monday evening they should be done,” he told us.

“Thanks,” we said as we left. Going home we began to talk about the trip some more.

“When are we leaving?” I asked my dad.

“Wednesday morning we’ll drive up,” he told me. “We’ll check into the hotel and spend some time with them that night. Not everyone will be there until around noon on Thursday. We’re all going to have lunch at your Uncle Allen’s house. I’m not quite sure what you’ll do the rest of the day, but we’re going to probably have the football games on in the living room.” I saw him look excited about that.

“We’ll find something for you to do sweetie,” Mom assured me. “And then I think Friday the girls at least are going to go out shopping.”

I smiled. “Good.”

“Then Saturday we’re going to drive home,” my dad added.

“That’s going to be a long drive for a short trip,” I said. They both nodded. “And… is everyone okay with… me? At this point?” I asked nervously.

I saw Dad look in the rear view mirror at me. “They’re going to love you just like they always have,” he told me. I sensed he wasn’t telling me truth though — and I was sure that I looked at Mom give him a side-glance too.

‘Great! I get to spend Thanksgiving with people that think I’m a freak!’ I thought to myself. At home Mom pulled out some enchiladas that she had been baking in the oven for dinner. I ate fairly quietly that night, and pulled myself to my room to read a book in bed after dinner. I didn’t really want to hang out with my parents right now. Next week was a break from school, ‘I should be looking forward to it!’ I thought. ‘Now I’m dreading every moment of it because at least someone in our family is going to be rude to me…’

I had enough cousins that would be there that I hoped at least one of them would still like me. The six cousins were all so different age wise that surely one would get along with me still, right? My youngest cousin on my dad’s side was ten, and my oldest was seventeen. Up until I had become Tiffany I had been the grandchild that had made it more boys than girls… but as the ‘swing vote’ I had made it to where there were more granddaughters than grandsons now. ‘Would my family resent me for it?’

I eventually managed to get into the book I was reading, and soon enough Mom was prodding me to go to bed. I didn’t bother switching into pajamas, I just slept in my sweats.

 

SUNDAY MORNING I decided to ask Mom if I could go over to Amy’s. She had looked a little miffed at the idea at first, but then she decided to let me. I was really grateful that she relented. I couldn’t bear the idea of not getting to hang out with Amy on that day. I needed to be with someone who would listen to my worries, but wouldn’t be made more miserable by them.

My mom even ended up being nice enough to let me spend the night Sunday. Amy and I spent the time having a lot of fun together, even playing with Barbies for a bit for a couple hours. I had been kind of surprised by that, but she had brought it up — and of course we were together, so we had fun. Her family was going down to Las Cruces for the break. “Hey, and then the next weekend you have to come with us skiing!” she told me.

“Is there even any snow up there yet?” I asked.

“It’s not a lot right now, but it’s two weeks from now right? I’m sure some will fall before then.” Her words were going to come back to haunt me later that week, but I didn’t think anything of them at that moment.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” I told her, now excited that there was something to look forward past the trip I was dreading.

“Of course I am. You know if you come up with us enough this year we might have to buy you your own skis!”

I was a little horrified, “Your parents don’t need to spend more money on me…” I started.

“Tiffany, you’re their other daughter, trust me it’s alright!” she told me with a smile.

The two of us played, talked, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company all evening. Neither of us was really ready to head to bed when Melanie came to shoo us there. It was really nice that she was around to fix us breakfast the next morning. My mom always had to leave so early in the morning that I had to fend for myself. Not that I was incapable… but I was lazy in the mornings.

Monday I ended up not having gymnastics for the second week in a row, so I managed to get to stay over at Amy’s again after dance practice. I convinced my parents that since I was going to be spending so much time with them over Thanksgiving it was fair. I couldn’t pull it off Tuesday night though, I knew that in advance. Even with my dread of the next few days I couldn’t help but be excited in seventh period when the bell rang. I had five days without school ahead of me!

Since the holiday was beginning we didn’t have dance practice after school. While I was glad not to have to go to practice — free time is always nice, I had to admit that we really needed to practice! After school Amy and I caught up with each other outside the bus to her house though. My mom didn’t want me to ride the bus to my house by myself, and I was more than happy to be going to her house anyway.

“How was band?” Amy asked me.

I shrugged, “It wasn’t anything special. Mrs. Remar was in a bad mood, so it wasn’t a lot of fun.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s okay, at least there’s no more school for five days right?” I said with a smile.

“Yep!”

And that was enough to get both of us completely smiling. The ride to her house went by with the two of us talking about how Amy wasn’t really looking forward to going to her grandparents in Las Cruces. “There’s nothing to do there!” She told me with a frown.

“There is a bright side Amy,” I told her.

“What?”

“It’s supposed to be like seventy degrees down there isn’t it?” I asked her.

“Well yeah…”

“I’m going up to Denver! I’ll be lucky if it’s thirty degrees for the high from what the news said this morning!” I whined.

“At least there’s shopping there.” She told me.

She did have me there. From what she had told me, there was some shopping down there, but not a whole lot. Personally I’d never been down there so I didn’t know. “I guess…”

We pulled up to our stop and went inside her house. The two of us ended up sprawling out on the floor in her playroom. “So you’re not looking forward to Denver at all are you?” Amy asked me.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked her.

“Not really… you’re just going up to see family… oh duh.” She said. For whatever reason I hadn’t talked with anyone about my fear of this week, even Amy. “Why wouldn’t they like you Tiff?” she asked getting it.

“I don’t know… I just know that my uncle wasn’t real fond of the idea of my dad’s son turning into a daughter. Plus what are my cousins going to think? I’m sure they’ll think I’m a freak!” I was getting shaky just thinking about this some more.

“Tiffany relax!” she told me while sitting up and giving me a hug.

“That’s easy for you to say,” I told her with a sniff.

“You’ll be fine. Look, they’re family first of all, but there’s also no way anyone can deny you’re a girl when they see you like you are!”

“I want to believe you,” I told her.

“Then do!”

“What if they pick on me?”

“Then tell them off and be glad you live far away from them.” She told me.

The two of us probably would have talked all night but I heard the doorbell downstairs ring and knew it meant my mom was already here. At the door as I opened it for my mom to come in I gave Amy a hug and took my stuff to our car and got in. “Call me when you get back,” Amy told me just before I closed the door.

”Oh Amy!” My mom called after her as she rolled down her window.

“Yes?” She said as she came over to that side of our car.

“Give this to your mom, okay?” She told her as she handed her a large manila envelope.

“Okay, see you later,” she told us again as she went into the house.

And with that I was locked into going and seeing my family tomorrow. I was terrified. When we got home Mom and I set about packing for a bit before having grilled cheese and soup for dinner. Dad came home just as the two of us were sitting down. “Hi ladies,” he told us, while giving us both hugs.

“Hi Daddy,” I told him before putting a spoonful of soup in my mouth.

“How was school today?”

“It was okay. At least I don’t have school for the next three days.” I told him with some enthusiasm forced into my voice. There was no reason for my parents to have to know how nervous I was about all of this. I went back to eating quickly so I could minimize my conversation with him right now.

A question suddenly occurred to me, “Mom? What was in that envelope you gave Amy?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t ask sooner Tiffany…” She said, I sensed she wasn’t as clueless about my current state of mind as I wanted. “It was the pictures from this weekend.”

“Oh. Can I see them?” I asked. I’d only seen them small — I hadn’t seen them enlarged yet.

“Finish dinner first,” she told me.

I held the half of the grilled cheese in my hand and decided that was her hint to try and get me to continue eating. I’d been slowly nibbling on the same half for a long time now. “Okay,” I said. I forced myself to finish that half, with one half still laying on the plate. I looked at it for a couple seconds, but my nerves were getting more strained every minute. I just didn’t feel like eating “Actually I’m kind of full already mom, do you mind if I go look at them now?”

Her look was one that I was sure she could see right through me. She sighed. “They’re on top of the TV in the living room, wash your hands first though. Go ahead and leave your plate and bowl there, I’ll take care of it.” She told me while giving me a look of concern.

I went out to the living room and found the pictures on top of the TV. I took them with me to sit down on the couch and look at them. The first picture made me smile right away; it was one of the ones with my parents and me together. I stared at the picture for several moments trying to see what others would see. Could they see that there was something wrong with me? That I was a freak? I was pretty sure that no one would ever guess that I wasn’t a girl… but I worried. When we gave this picture to my aunts and uncles would they hang it up? Or burn it? I wasn’t sure.

I kept looking through them, happy that I looked pretty in my dresses and the other outfits.

‘Who would ever guess that the girl in the pictures wasn’t what she looked like?’ I asked myself. I looked really pretty in the dresses… a little younger than I was, but cute. Then there was some contrast when I came to the pictures of me in the dance team outfit. I felt pride at looking at myself there — I was pretty, and I looked like I should be wearing that outfit. ‘How can my family not accept me like this?’ part of me wondered. There was another part of me that felt that no matter how pretty I was, I was going to be an outcast the next few days. It was so unfair!

I carefully put the pictures back into the envelope and just stared into space for a few moments. I didn’t want my parents to see me like this, so I decided to go to the bathroom. I went in and closed the door, looked around, closed the lid of the toilet, and just sat on top of it to shake uncontrollably for a few minutes. ‘What was I going to do?’

I could feel my face was wet, but I couldn’t do anything about it. All I could think about was the fear of what my family was going to say. Not that it was just going to bother me… what about my dad? He hadn’t done anything to cause this, but he was sure to take the brunt of it from his brother. Every time I’d heard anything about him it seemed like he was absolutely enraged by my behavior, but even more so that my dad was allowing it. ‘What would he say to me?’

I kept thinking over and over again about all of this when I heard a soft tapping noise in the background. It made me look up through my tear stained eyes and focus a bit.

“Tiffany? Are you all right?” Mom asked.

I didn’t know how to respond, I felt frozen.

“Tiffany, please, open the door…” Dad added.

I had locked it, I didn’t want any intrusions. They both became a little more frantic before I heard something being pressed into the door knob, some jiggling, and then a slight pop. My mom came in tentatively, “Tiffany, are you all right?”

I didn’t know what to say or do. I wasn’t all right. I was scared senseless! This was worse than thinking about going to any day of school had ever been. She sounded so worried though that I forced myself to look up at her. I felt her move my hair out of my face and she just held onto me.

We sat there like that for a long time, me just hugging her, and her softly reassuring me. I didn’t even know if she knew what was going wrong or not. Finally after a while I felt my sobs become more controllable and I pushed her away and grabbed a Kleenex.

“Tiffany, what happened?” My dad asked with concern in his voice.

“I don’t know…” I started to lie, but I figured they should know. “I’m nervous about tomorrow I guess. I’m scared.”

“It’ll be alright,” he told me. “I promise if anything gets out of hand we’ll leave immediately, okay?”

I just nodded.

“Besides Tiffany, your grandparents will be there — you know they’re already behind you right?”

I gave another nod.

Things went on like this for a while before I finally said, “I’ll be fine, really… I just needed to get it out of my system” I told both of them, hoping Mom would understand. She did and she helped me get dad shooed out of the bathroom so I could really go now. As I finished up I caught a glance of my face out of the mirror and cringed… I was a real mess. I grabbed a wash cloth from the towel rack and washed my face off with some really hot water. I grabbed a ponytail holder and put my hair up with it, before going into the kitchen and finding my mom.

“Mom do you mind if I take a shower?” I asked.

She looked momentarily a little worried, but then said, “I think that should be fine.” I had just turned around when she said, “Tiffany?”

“Yes Mommy?” I said. I figured I’d caused enough trouble today using that name would help a little.

“Would you please leave the door unlocked?”

I was startled a little bit. “Just don’t come barging in please…” I asked her as I nodded. I could understand their concern. I went down to my room and grabbed a pair of pajamas and a fresh pair of panties before going back into the bathroom and undressed. As soon as I had the water going as hot as I could stand I clambered in and washed my whole body. It had a great calming effect on me.

‘Tomorrow won’t be that bad…’ I told myself. ‘The worst part’ll be being in the car that long.’ I talked myself into being calm about tomorrow, and right about the time the hot water ran out I felt like I could face the day. Getting out of the shower I went ahead and blew my hair dry and put my pajamas on. I got back to packing, trying to make sure I had everything with me that I could want. When mom wasn’t looking I packed my makeup into my suitcase… I didn’t want her to gripe at me about it.

Of course I can’t get away with doing anything wrong so she found it as she came into triple check me. “Tiffany I don’t really want you wearing makeup on this trip…” she told me.

“But Mommy…” I tried with her.

“Sweetie, I want them to see you as the little girl you are, not as the teenager you’ll be next year.” She told me with a smile.

“But…”

“Tiffany Christine…”

I was stunned into submission instantly, she’d never done the middle name thing to me since I’d become Tiffany to them. They used to do it to me as Brandon when I was in trouble… I don’t know if she was really trying to accomplish the deer-in-the-headlights look or not, but that’s what she did. My whole arguing skidded to a stop.

“Alright…” I said weakly as she took the makeup bag and put it back in the bathroom. I couldn’t get away with anything. ‘What’s her problem?’ I thought to myself. It wasn’t like I never wore makeup. Why should it be such a problem on this trip?

What I discovered though, was that both of my parents were grouchy that night. At nine o’clock I finally decided I was done dealing with them and said goodnight to both of them and went to bed.

 

Chapter 15:

 
OUR DEPARTURE THE next morning was frantic and I just tried to stay out of everyone’s way. I knew that no matter what I did with my hair at this point it would just end up being messed up by the time we drove there, so I just put it up in a ponytail. I’d made the mistake of asking my parents about how long of a trip it was, ‘seven hours or so,’ had been my mom’s answer. She had told me we should be able to stop at the hotel before going over to my aunt and uncles, so I could make my hair look decent then. Since I was going to in theory have a chance to change, I just put on a pair of my cheer warm-up pants and a cheer shirt. They were comfortable, and even if we ended up going and meeting my family like this — it screamed that I was a girl.

When Dad had finally finished packing everything just the right way, I went out to our minivan and sat down in the middle row of seats. I had a blanket, a pillow, and Emily, my stuffed tiger in hand — fully intending to either read or sleep most of the way up there. As soon as the car was moving I began making myself comfortable in my seat with my head propped against my pillow. That felt comfortable for a moment until I felt my pony tail digging into the back of my head. I shifted to my side and managed to doze off fairly quickly.

Sometime later I felt a prodding, “Tiffany, wake up…” Mom said to me gently.

“Where are we?” I asked her as I sat up slowly while wiping the sleep out of my eyes.

“Raton,” she said.

“Where’s that?” I asked sleepily.

“We’re not far from the Colorado border,” she told me.

“Oh, why’d we stop?”

“Bathroom break silly,” she told me and continued to try and get me out of the car. I threw my cheer jacket on and the two of us walked into the gas station where we’d stopped. The bathrooms were single bathrooms which Mom went into first. She came back out shortly with her nose wrinkled up, and I could only imagine just how bad the restroom was going to be. I walked in to find a bathroom that was only one step up from a port-a-potty in grossness! I tried to not pay attention as I looked down at the toilet and pulled my pants down to sit down. I couldn’t help but look around the restroom as I went pee though… it was filthy and stunk.

I stood up as quickly as I could and used my foot to flush the toilet. The sink was covered in grime, it looked like the soap was empty, and the paper towel dispenser was also empty — I skipped the hand washing. Mom looked sympathetic as I came out and we walked to the car with Dad.

“That was gross!!!” I told her as we climbed in the car. She handed me a Wet One wipe, and I knew she must have had similar thoughts to what I’d been thinking. ‘I suppose I could still have skipped sitting down,’ I told myself — but knew I wouldn’t really consider that. We were back on the road pretty quickly and I decided to start reading a book. I could hear my dad snoring up in the front seat. Mom ended up coercing me into talking to her since he was sleeping. “I need someone to talk to me…” she had said.

I closed my book and began talking to her about lots of nothing. We talked about some of the scenery as we drove through the mountain passes, and then the absolute barren plains as we passed into the southern area of Colorado. In several areas as we drove there was snow piled up along the sides of the roads. I had been hoping we would get snow back home, but we’d yet to get a storm. Amy’s parents said there was snow up near their condo at least — so maybe we’d get to go skiing soon.

Eventually we saw a sign for Pueblo and Mom began looking for somewhere to stop for lunch. Dad woke up about then and suggested the Sizzler when he saw it. I didn’t really care, I just wanted out of the car! As we walked in a boy about my age held the door for us and said ‘hi’ to me shyly. I just smiled, and was somewhat amused as that looked like it had made his whole day. “You know you really shouldn’t do that to boys like that,” Mom told me quietly as we walked side by side.

I was worried she had a problem because it was a boy, but she continued, “it’s not really fair to them.”

I just grinned a little bit. She pulled me in closer with her arm around me and gave me a hug as we stood at the counter waiting for Dad to pay for us. As soon as the waiter had taken our drink orders I asked, “Where is the restroom?”

“Down that way,” the man said pointing towards the other end of the restaurant.

“Thanks!” I said and started for that way.

“I’m coming too,” Mom said to me and the two of us headed for the restroom together. I really needed to go, so I rushed a little faster than she did. I pushed open the door and was very happy to see that there were two empty stalls. I sat down quickly and began to go… feeling very relieved. I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror for a moment while I waited for Mom to do the same.

The two of us stopped back by the table where our drink orders were waiting before we went searching for food. I wasn’t that hungry, but I grabbed a little bit of everything to take back to the table. Mom and Dad talked to each other about different things, and what we were going to do when we got there.

“I would really like it if we could stop by the hotel first…” I told them.

They looked at me and both of them sighed at the same time. “You know it was a lot easier before you cared what you looked like,” Mom said in a way that didn’t sound like she really missed it, but accepted it instead.

“It’s probably not a bad idea to get rid of our bags and stuff,” Dad said.

I smiled, “Thanks!”

“You can’t spend all day in the bathroom though,” Mom told me sternly. I blushed a little and got back to my food. While I was taking my next bite I looked up and saw something I couldn’t believe. A big man… A REALLY BIG man was walking towards a table with a plate of food in his hand. It was stacked about eight inches high of food. I tried not to stare, but it was so crazy to see that much food on one plate. I forced myself to go back to the food in front of me, munching on the chicken piece I had. I quickly finished eating what I felt like eating on my plate.

I decided that meant it was time for dessert, something sweet sounded really good. I looked around the dessert area and grabbed a piece of pumpkin pie and a small brownie. I’d never be able to eat both, but I wanted a couple bites from each! As I returned to my seat I noticed the really big guy had left. I’d felt bad for staring unintentionally before. I had just put my first bit of brownie in my mouth when I saw him come back with another plate… This one covered with strawberries just as high as the previous one!

I turned to look at Mom, and she appeared to be just as stunned as I was. Neither of us said anything though. After I’d eaten all of the dessert I cared to finish the three of us hit the restroom on the way back out to the car. “How far are we from Denver?” I asked as I buckled my seat belt.
“It’s about two more hours sweetie,” Mom told me.

“Okay, I’m going back to sleep!” I told her, wrapped myself in my blanket, put my stuffed tiger underneath my arm, and laid my head down. I was still so nervous that the only thing I could think of to pass the time would be to sleep. It was surprisingly easy to do though.

 

TWO HOURS LATER I woke up as I felt the car slow down and I realized we were stopped at a stoplight. “You finally woke up,” Mom teased me.

“Huh?” I asked while wiping the sleep from my eyes. “Where are we now?”

“Almost to the hotel,” she said.

“Good,” I said and sat up. I noticed I had drool on my pillow, yuck! My ponytail had become messed up while I slept so I pulled the scrunchie out. I grabbed my hairbrush from my backpack at my feet and started brushing it out. I was still brushing it when we pulled up to the front of the hotel and Dad went inside to check-in. While he was inside I pulled it back up into a more organized ponytail. I sighed and started gathering some stuff together when he came back out.

“Let’s just unload the car here,” Dad told us.

“Is the room close?” Mom asked.

“They said the elevator is just through there, we’re in room three-twenty-four.”

The three of us filled our arms with stuff and walked through the lobby doors down to the elevator. Once inside the room I walked into the restroom first. After I used the restroom I looked at my appearance while I washed my hands. I was a girl. There was no doubt about that as I looked in the mirror… My relatives were just going to have to deal with it. I left the restroom so my parents could get into there too. Meanwhile I looked in my suitcase to see if there was something else I wanted to change into.

Nothing looked like something I wanted to wear right then though. It was cold outside, but I didn’t feel like wearing jeans. I’d be wearing a dress all day the next day… In the end I decided to just stick with what I was wearing. It might make things worse coming as the cheerleader girl persona, but it was probably going to be bad no matter what — ‘I might as well be comfortable,’ I thought to myself.

I did go into the bathroom and double check my hair and face one more time though. I saw my necklace clasp had made its way to the front so I turned it back to the back of my neck. As I came out my parents looked surprised. “You’re not ready already are you?” Dad asked incredulously.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t care to dress up since I’ll be in a dress tomorrow… And these are more comfortable than jeans,” I said while pinching the fabric of my nylon warm-up pants between my thumb and forefinger. “So let’s go,” I told them.

My Mom gave me a smile, put her arm around my shoulder, and kissed me atop my head. “It’ll be fine,” she told me. The three of us then headed down to the lobby and to the car.

I sat down in my seat and watched as Dad closed the door for me. “Tiffany, we decided we’re going to go get something to eat first before we head over there — do you have anywhere you would like to go?”

I shook my head, “I don’t really care.” I told them. I didn’t, honestly I wanted to go to my uncle’s house and get this over with!

“How about just going to IHOP?” My dad suggested pointing across the way where one was sitting.

“I’m fine with that,” I said.

Mom started up the car and drove out in the street basically long enough to have to turn right off of it again. The three of us filed into the restaurant and were led to a booth. I hadn’t noticed it, but the waitress had grabbed a kids menu for me — complete with crayons. Mom saw it and started to object for me, but I just shook my head, “It’s alright Mommy,” with a wink. I normally would have been annoyed, but it kind of amused me at that moment. ‘Plus, it should be cheaper, right?’ I told myself.

I looked at the menu and ended up deciding that the ‘funny face’ pancakes sounded good. I opened up the crayons and began coloring while we waited for the lady to get back with the drinks. She wasn’t that old, probably just out of high school, so I was kind of amused that she thought I was that young. It didn’t usually happen when I was wearing cheerleading stuff. At least she didn’t bring my drink in a plastic cup… “And what are we having tonight?” she asked us.

My parents gave her their orders, followed by my, “The funny face pancakes please,” which she then smiled at me.

“I remember when I was in the youth cheerleading leagues.” She said to me.

“Actually this is my school stuff,” I told her with a smile.

She seemed to suddenly realize she’d guessed wrong on my age, “How come I get the feeling that you’re older than I thought you were…”

“It’s okay, I get it all of the time. I still qualify for the kids menu though,” I giggled.

Apparently her name was Emily, and she came back and talked to us several times through the meal. It helped me relax a bit before the coming onslaught of stress. The chocolate chip pancakes arrived with the whipped cream and strawberries making the face — something that made me smile a bit more. Maybe Mom was right, at least a little bit, about her wanting to enjoy me being her little girl for a bit longer.

I think my parents dragged their heels in eating a little bit longer than they normally would, because they were just as nervous as I was. They wouldn’t tell me that, but I could see their eyes flashing back and forth; wordlessly communicating about whether or not this was really a good idea or not. Eventually though, the food was gone, our bellies full, and it was time to go. While Dad paid, Mom and I once again stopped in the ladies room. I debated for a heartbeat about trying to get my hair out of the ponytail and into something more reasonable… but I didn’t have the time, and it probably wouldn’t matter anyway.

We clambered into the car for the drive to my Uncle’s house. I found my legs wouldn’t stop moving, I was almost trembling in nervousness. Their house was probably one of the larger houses that anyone in my family owned. I had never been there before, but I’d seen pictures and heard enough about it to know kind of what it was like. It was two stories, with a bedroom for my aunt and uncle, a bedroom for each of my three cousins, and one spare bedroom that my grandparents were staying in. Those were all upstairs, with some larger living areas downstairs. As I got out of the car I shivered, and not just from the cold. Mom grabbed my hand and walked side by side with me up the walkway and the steps, to stand on their porch with Dad in front of us.

He rang the door bell.

I took a deep breath in and waited.

I counted in my head, wondering how long it would be before someone came and answered the door. I could hear a lot of people deep in conversation inside the house. I heard someone grasp the handle of the door and turn it. As the door opened I saw my cousin Caleb come into view.

“Hey Uncle Joe, Aunt Mandy!” He said excitedly. My parents and I had always liked him — and he reciprocated that.

“How are you doing Caleb?” My dad asked as he accepted the invitation to come in.

“I’m doing well. And how are you doing Tiffany?” He asked me.

I paused for half-a-heartbeat trying to determine if there was anything in his voice that I needed to worry about. He didn’t sound like he was going to be a problem… “I’m doing great now that we’re out of the car!” I told him with a smile. He was in the middle of giving my dad a hand shake.

“I bet you are, that’s a long drive!”

He gave my mom a hug, and then did the same to me! I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be a problem. What a relief, if I could at least have one person to hang out with the next two days maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. At seventeen he was my oldest cousin and he’d always seemed like a big brother to me anytime we had hung out. Maybe this was just going to continue like it had been?

The rest of my family started appearing to greet us. If Caleb seemed like the person that would be okay with me, his younger brother Bobby was certainly not okay with me. I could feel his glares even before I looked up at his face. I quickly turned away and saw their sister, Stephanie, standing at the edge. I smiled at her, saying “Hi,” to which she smiled weakly, but didn’t seem so sure of herself. She remained close to her parents who were the next to greet us.

Uncle Allen said, “Hi Joe, Mandy,” with a handshake to my dad, and light hug to my mom.

“How was your trip?”

“Good, no problems on the roads or anything.” My dad told him.

“Good,” he said.

When he and his wife, my Aunt Jackie, had finished greeting my parents I felt as though the room temperature dropped below what it was like outside. They just kind of looked at me for a couple uncomfortable moments. We might have stood like that forever, I don’t know, but thankfully my grandmother broke through the crowd and said, “Tiffany!” Giving me a hug, “How are you doing sweetheart?”

I tried to remain calm, “I’m doing good, how are you?” I asked her.

The two of us talked for a moment before my grandfather joined us, he was coming out of their downstairs bathroom. “Tiffany!” he exclaimed happily towards me and he came and gave me a big hug as well.

My aunt and uncle both conveniently disappeared into the kitchen, leaving my parents and I, with Caleb, my grandparents, and Stephanie. Bobby had also disappeared. I was grateful that at least Stephanie had remained. She was thirteen, so she was the closest in age to me. I was really hoping that she and I could get along on this trip. The two of us had never spent much time together though, so I didn’t know how she was going to react. ‘At least no one has screamed at me so far,’ I thought to myself as I sat down on the couch.

“Where’s everyone else?” Mom asked Grandma.

“Well Linda and Bill called a little bit ago; they’d just checked into their hotel and are heading over here. It shouldn’t be too long before they get here. Wendy, Raymond, and the kids didn’t get started till late, so they’re just planning on going straight to the hotel and not coming here tonight.”

“Oh.” My mom said. I think we were all hoping that the more people we could have around the more likely it would be that we wouldn’t have family squabbles about me.

I just kind of sat on the couch quietly for a while… I didn’t really feel comfortable striking up a conversation. Caleb was talking to my parents and grandparents quite a bit, not ignoring me, but not really paying attention. Stephanie looked like she was fighting the awkwardness just as badly as I was, but also unsure of what to do. About the time I was just about to say something to her, the doorbell rang, and my Aunt Linda and her boyfriend Bill were shown in.

“Hi everyone,” Aunt Linda said.

“You must be Tiffany,” she said to me as she made the rounds of giving everyone hugs. She pushed me out to arms length and looked at me. “Your parents and grandparents weren’t exaggerating, you really are pretty,” she told me and gave me a hug.

“Thanks,” I whispered, trying to fight back the tears. I had known that she would probably be okay with me. She was the ‘free-thinker’ of the family. Aunt Linda had a very new-age outlook on life, had been in and out of several marriages, and generally disagreed with most of our family on most religious and political issues. That being said, she’d always been one of my favorite aunts because she used to always bring me presents when she came to visit! This time was no exception, though it wasn’t a physical one. It was the emotional present of knowing she accepted me for who I was.

The conversations once again started up, and I felt like I was truly on the outside of everything. No one really was paying attention to any of the kids, and, in the case of Uncle Allen he was intentionally not paying attention to me. He and Aunt Jackie had rejoined the group in the living room now that Aunt Linda was there. After a while boredom must have struck Caleb, because he came over to me and asked, “Hey Tiffany, do you want to play a board game or something?”

I looked up at him and smiled, “Sure!”

“You want to play too Steph?” He asked his sister.

She shrugged, “sure, I’m bored.”

“Let’s go pick one out then,” he said and led me down the hallway to a room that reminded me of Amy’s playroom, except a little bit more mature. It also was a lot more masculine as there were more boys than girls… I did see a few Barbie dolls scattered about though. ‘I wonder if Stephanie ever plays with them anymore?’ I thought to myself.

“What do you want to play?” Caleb asked as he opened a cupboard of games.

I shrugged, “Anything’ll work for me.”

“Stephanie?” he asked.

“Trivial Pursuit or Sorry?” she suggested while she pointed to a junior edition of Trivial Pursuit, and the Sorry game boxes.

“I don’t really feel like thinking that much tonight, Sorry?” He asked me.

“That sounds fine to me.” I replied. The only place I ever played board games really was at Amy’s and another cousin’s house, so I only barely knew how to play it. The three of us setup the game on a small table they had in the room.

“Do you want to see if Bobby wants to play?” Stephanie asked Caleb on the side of the room quietly. I don’t think they knew I could hear them.

“Not really. I’m sure he’d say no, and I really don’t like being around him right now,” he told her.

“Yeah, you’re right.” She said.

The three of us set up the game, not really saying a whole lot before Caleb asked, “So Tiffany… I think I heard your mom say you’re in band?”

I nodded, “Uh-huh I play sax. You?”

“I play trombone actually. Stephanie plays flute. Bobby’s the only one who isn’t in band. He used to be, but our director kicked him out last year,” he said with a shake of his head. He seemed to be fine with making the effort to reacquaint himself with me. After we played the game awhile Stephanie began coming out of her shell a bit.

“So you’re a cheerleader?” She asked motioning towards my clothes.

“Yeah, I joined the squad a month or so ago…” I paused then decided I’d elaborate a bit, “actually I’m one of the co-captains for the dance squad.” I smiled when I thought of that. ‘If I had been born a real girl there would have been absolutely no stopping the bragging with that. Well, not that I would have been outright bragging, but it’s something to be proud of!’

“Really?” Caleb asked. “You haven’t been doing this that long have you?”

I shook my head, “No, but I seem to do well at it… especially the dancing,” I told them with a smile.

“I really like that part too, but all we do are cheer routines at my school,” Stephanie said. “What kind of dancing are you guys doing?” she asked.

The two of us began to really hit it off at that point talking about different things our two squads were doing. Stephanie was fairly athletic, as was her brother. Caleb was on the varsity football team at his school. He’d been a starting linebacker this past year as a junior. Supposedly Colorado State was already trying to convince him to come their way. Bobby could have been on that same track, but so far he was too involved with drugs (or so my grandparents said) to be possibly able to do sports. While both Caleb and Bobby were solidly built, Stephanie was slighter — though not as small as I was.

For a long time the three of us were having a really great time, and though Caleb seemed a little removed from the conversation about cheerleading stunts, he tried to make his way back in eventually. “So I’m guessing you’re one of the girls that get tossed in the air?” he asked me.

“Yeah, I’m the smallest one on the squad.”

“Does that get a little freaky?” he asked me.

“Normally no… it was kind of unnerving this summer though when I was at camp. They asked for a volunteer to help the college squad out with something… so I raised my hand and got picked. A couple of the college guys were the ones that tossed me — I don’t even know how far I flew in the air, but I’m pretty sure it was at least fifteen or twenty feet up!”

“Wow!” Stephanie said.

“Well you were probably a lot easier to toss than who they’re used to normally,” Caleb said.

I nodded. “It was fun though.”

Uncle Allen suddenly made an appearance in the room right then, “Stephanie, you need to get ready for bed.”

“It’s only ten Dad!” she told him.

“Now.”

“We haven’t even finished out game yet, let us finish, please…?” she pleaded.

“Stephanie Marie…” he said with some venom coming into his voice. He looked like he was already angry, I was scared to see her make him more so.

Her expression went down and she said, “Yes sir…”

She began to stand up from where she was sitting and put her hand on my shoulder, “I guess we’ll talk more tomorrow…” Just as she was at the doorway she turned back and said, “This isn’t nearly as weird as I thought it would be Tiffany.” Then without saying anything else she left to go upstairs to her room.

After a quick glance that Caleb and I shared trying to figure out what was going on, we began to wordlessly start putting everything up from the board game. The two of us walked back to the living room and I was surprised to see my parents were already starting to get jackets from the closet. “Are you ready to go Tiffany?” Dad asked me. There was something wrong with his voice… I immediately knew I’d missed something. He sounded angry and hurt… between that and what had happened from Uncle Allen to Stephanie I was pretty sure they were all upset about the same thing… and of course I knew I was at the center of it.