I just wanted to wish all of my friends here a very Happy New Year, and best wishes for 2020.

This was my fourth holiday season since going full time as my true self, and the best yet. Whether because I have become more natural and comfortable in myself, and hence more passable, or because the public around me is simply becoming more accepting, I can’t say. Perhaps a little of both?

Last week, while at work, I ducked out of my office and over to the employee cafeteria - you know, sometimes you just need a few minutes away from your desk and the computer in order to save your sanity. So I decided to get a fresh cup of coffee from the cafeteria.

As is true every year, Memorial Day weekend was not easy for me. Those of us who have served, those of us who have lost friends and comrades, those of us who have known loss - we will never forget.

But there are certain times certain things that spur our memories. This weekend was one of those for me. It is not just a time for remembrance, but a time for caring. A time for me to think of those who I have lost, and to think of those they left behind.

It’s been a while since I posted here, probably because my life has been fairly stable and reasonably happy for some time. But like all good things, it didn’t last. I know I should have expected it, but I guess I became too comfortable. I became complacent in my comfortable existence and allowed myself to be taken by surprise.

Well, shortly after going to bed tonight, my lovely wife dropped the boom on me.

Those whom we will never forget.

Save me a seat guys, for I will be along soon enough. I miss you all, and I still owe you a dance Bobby.

Absent comrades.

Yeah, it may be warm and sunny outside, but here in my world it’s just another dreary, rainy day.

I had a really good weekend last weekend, spending five days at home in Upstate NY with my wife and family. My wife Emilia and I spent several really good days together - nothing special, just some shopping, riding in the car, a few quiet meals with just the two of us, just talking and enjoying being together. I surprised her with a Valentine’s Day gift early as I knew I wouldn’t be home on the 14th, and she actually bought me a little something in return on Saturday.

Today was the first day of my new job. I recently accepted a position as Director of Transportation for Belk Stores, which those of you who live in the Southeast US may recognize. I spent about half of my day in orientation, completing paperwork, and meeting people. The other half I spent discussing the position and the direction they are looking to go. I sincerely love my boss! He has basically given me Carte Blanche to do what I want as long as I get them their numbers.

My son sent this to me this evening. I was hesitant to post this, but as it made me smile and even laugh a little on a really bad day I thought I would share it with others.

To those who might not agree with the political sentiment, I hope that you can at least see the humor in it.

D

I have been fighting depression for weeks now - just the usual things, still not settled on a new job (the problem with being senior management is that finding an appropriate position takes time - especially as this is the first time I have interviewed since transitioning), and of course there is the never ending issues with family. I'm not saying that my spouse and children are not supportive - they have in fact been very supportive this past year, but life for them has been impacted by my transition. And of course, what hurts them hurts me - deeply.

My son's fiancé sent me a text earlier today, which although not unheard of is at least unusual enough to catch my eye.

She sent me a short note that said, "Just want you to know that you inspire me. Love you!"

I cried when I read it, and I am crying now as I type this.

She reminded me of something. Today is Transgender Day of Visibility, and although most of us just want to live our lives quietly and peacefully, attracting as little attention as possible, please help those you can to understand who you are - who we are.

For those in the United States, don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour tonight. At 2:00 AM most of us go on Daylight Savings Time - unless of course you live in one of the odd (not a slur, just different from the majority) areas that does not make the change.

So remember, at 2:00 AM it's really 3:00 AM - for those of us who can't sleep, we get to spend one less hour staring at the ceiling over the bed, listening to soft music, and praying that our demons remain at rest for one more night.

D

After dinner this evening, I sat with my oldest son and watched the end of the movie Platoon. One of the final lines of the movie that Charlie Sheen gives through a voice over as he is medivac'd out has always stuck with me. "Those of us that did make it have an obligation to rebuild - to try and find some goodness out of what we survived."

That could be applied to most of us in one way or another. We are all survivors in our own way, and we all have an obligation to make the world better - not just for ourselves, but for our children and for those who will follow after us.

Some time back I was outed by one of my nephews, a particularly nasty and unthinking individual whose actions have unfortunately caused me multiple issues, not to mention the total polarization of my ex-wife's family. My ex-wife was the only person outside of my therapist and my friends here who actually new that I was transitioning - my plan being to address this with my sons in the spring of 2014. My three sons, who at the time my nephew decided to tell the world were aged 17, 22, and 25, unfortunately found out in a less than optimal fashion.