It seems like every day I wake up and look outside the sky is grey and rain is falling. I remember when I used to love to walk in the rain, back when my life was simpler. It was a good way to be alone - no one bothered me and no one could see my tears.

Now I can't even cry in the shower without someone saying something.....

I couldn't sleep half of the night last night. I finally lay down around 2:00AM, only to awaken a few hours later at 4:30AM covered in perspiration and with my heart racing. I couldn't stay still, my entire body feeling wired - like ants were crawling all over under my skin. I remember getting up several times and walking around just to try to settle myself, to no avail. The last time I checked the clock was just a few minutes before 6:30AM; I got up and changed my alarm clock, pushing it back before it could go off, from 6:30 to 8:00AM. I had an appointment scheduled at the dealership at 8:00AM to have my wife's car looked at as the left front brake is squeaking, and as it was just replaced it shouldn't be. Because of my bad night, I called and rescheduled the appointment for Thursday.

When I got up this morning, my wife jumped all over me. Completely out of proportion to the fact that I changed the appointment; she even through out (not for the first time) that I have more free time than she does - like I want to be out of work. Yet I have been the only one taking care of our home and her since being home.

It becomes more and more apparent to me that although she professes to still love me, she isn't comfortable with me around. She tries, but even I know she would be better off without me here. My sons as well. Am I the only one willing to admit to that? Surely it's obvious to anyone that they would all be better served to move on without me here?

My job search drags on. I have a lot of prospects, but no one is in a hurry to act. I spend weeks working with a recruiter or an HR rep, just to sit and wait - or worse, to have them simply stop calling. The job which I was perhaps best qualified for and truly wanted didn't happen - it was a new VP of Ops position being created, and the excuse they gave me was that they decided not to fill the spot. It was a company I had worked with in the past; they were one of my vendors in a past life. Funny how they decided not to fill the job shortly after one of their VP's whom I knew from before my transition reached out to me on LinkedIn. Strange coincidence.

I go through high points when I am busy being interviewed, only to become depressed as I await the next step. I try to stay focused on the fact that I actually have five or six good prospects working right now, and remember that at my level of employment it takes time and multiple interviews before anything happens. But the time between interviews drags on.

In the meantime, my unemployment continues to run out, and my savings slowly begin to lower. I am far from destitute, but I see the money I have worked hard for decades to save for my retirement and for my family beginning to go the wrong direction.

I try every day to keep my spirits up, to keep my faith in both myself and my God, but it is becoming harder each passing minute.

And the rain just keeps falling.....

D