Yeah, it may be warm and sunny outside, but here in my world it’s just another dreary, rainy day.

I had a really good weekend last weekend, spending five days at home in Upstate NY with my wife and family. My wife Emilia and I spent several really good days together - nothing special, just some shopping, riding in the car, a few quiet meals with just the two of us, just talking and enjoying being together. I surprised her with a Valentine’s Day gift early as I knew I wouldn’t be home on the 14th, and she actually bought me a little something in return on Saturday.

We had dinner with the family on Sunday to celebrate my youngest son’s birthday, and actually spent a wonderful night together Tuesday night before I had to leave early on Wednesday morning to fly back to South Carolina.

Yeah, one day in Charlotte, NC, then overnight in Columbia, SC, then fly to Jackson, MS for two days. Then back to Charlotte on Friday where the plan was to grab a late flight home to NY for two short days before heading back south. Then Monday in Charlotte, then drive to Columbia again for two days, then back to Charlotte for a meeting on Thursday, then back to Columbia and spend Friday in my office there. Then Saturday, 2/24, drive back to Charlotte in the morning to catch a flight to Phoenix, AZ for the RILA conference there until Wednesday, 2/28. Then back to Charlotte, drive to Columbia and spend Thursday in my office. Then drive to Charlotte to catch a late flight to NY on Thursday night, 2/29, and home for four days.

Such is my life. Fun huh?

Of course, best laid plans and all that, I ended up having to be in my office today due to issues at work. So, there goes my short trip home for the weekend - which means that it will now be basically three weeks before I get back home. Well, really only 15 days total, but I miss two weekends in a row at home, and that means three weeks to my wife.

So, I am instantly a liar and a monster. I mean, I obviously never intended coming home right?

And of course Emilia apparently tried calling me in my office today, not realizing or caring that due to it being a Saturday and the office being empty I spend most of my time out on the floor of the DC, in the shipping office with the staff there, or this morning in the on-site office of my dedicated carrier, JB Hunt. You see, in a 680,000sq.ft. building, where my office is in the front of the building on the mezzanine level - which is completely empty on weekends, it’s kind of creepy spending the day as the only person in a dark empty office suite. So I spend my time with the DC staff, just because being around other people makes me feel better, and because they enjoy getting to rub elbows with one of the company’s directors. It makes me one of them, and they treat me really well - like a lady. Hell, I even go throw a few cases on the dock - which has all of guys laughing of course!

But of course, in Emilia’s mind I’m doing it to be away from her. And since I didn’t answer my phone I must be lying about being at work. And I will not run back to my office to give her the satisfaction of answering the phone to prove I’m there. Not only is it a long walk, it’s insulting to have to do it.

Yes, it’s been a very long time since I was able to be home every night with her. But then, she insists on living in a small town north of Albany, NY. Ever tried to find a good job in a place like that? Good luck! The job market sucks. There is nothing in my field that pays anywhere near what my salary requirements are, and for everything else I am either extremely over qualified, too highly paid (and if I offer to take less money there must be something wrong with me), too old, or too transgender. Hell, I applied for a job at $11.00 an hour about six months back up there - and didn’t get a job offer! Yeah, how about if I just quit and stay home unemployed Emilia? I bet you’d love that!

And the answer I get about her not moving? Well, first it was “not until my parents die”, then it became “I want to live where my kids are so I can see them”, and now it’s “you haven’t given me a stable life”.

Well, this unstable life has certainly provided well enough for our family! And it might have been more stable if I didn’t have to live in Mechanicville, NY, the smallest city in NY State! In a state where industry just keeps moving out and the largest employer in the area is the state government.

Oh yeah, let’s not forget her throwing out the fact that she was asked out on a date by some guy at work this week. She couldn’t wait to tell me that one. Or to tell me that everyone assumes we aren’t married anymore anyway. After all, I’m never home, and even when I am my car is sitting in Charlotte, NC. Yeah, maybe you should show him your wedding ring - which I assume you’re still wearing like I wear mine; all the time.

So, yeah, it’s another rainy day here inside my world.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t love that woman desperately. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as honorable and monogamous as I am. Sometimes I wish I had just had the guts to end it all years ago.

But I do love her - more than life itself. And I want her to be happy more than anything, and if that’s with someone else....... well, that’s her decision to make, and I will understand the best that I can. Every minute I have with her is a gift I never expected to have and I will not begrudge her happiness - with or without me.

So I just keep going on doing what I do. There are too many people who count on me - even the ones who live in Mechanicville and hate me right now. Even if it keeps raining here inside with me.......