“Jack’s parents will be retiring to their house near Limoges and will be well out of your way, unless you choose to visit them or let them visit you. Jeremy will spend the next few weeks with Jack going over the operation and finances of the business and then leave Jack totally in charge.” Josie and Jack looked surprised and relieved at how things had changed, but totally puzzled at how I had managed to turn things around.

It had been a long and taxing day, and after a short while I went off to my room, leaving them to discuss their future together under the changed circumstances. As I lay on my bed trying to clear my mind of the events of the day, I realised that following the excitement of the discussions with Sally that any thoughts about my earlier meeting with Helen Hartley about my gender dysphoria had not even entered my mind and had become less of a worrying issue and not so urgent to resolve.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now that the problem with Jack’s parents seemed to be out of the way, I was able to concentrate on my own life and decisions that had to be made, and in many ways they were all interwoven. The main thing which led to the others was how I was going to go forward with my life. I couldn’t really make any decisions about my career or my relationship with Darren, without a decision about whether my future life was to be as Joey or as Joanne, or even as some sort of in-between, a cross-dresser living life totally as a woman but without going through full transition.

Although my gender confusion had all started as a convenient path to a new career, over the year or so I had been living as Jo/Joanne, I had become more and more mentally adjusted to being a woman. I no longer consciously thought about how I was dressed or made up or how my hair was styled, at least no more or any differently. than any other woman, it was just the life I was now living. As Joey I had been quite introverted, uncomfortable in company, particularly male groups, I just never seemed to have the same interests or attitudes as the other guys, but as Joanne I was totally comfortable with all my female friends and colleagues and fitted in with them to the point that even to those that knew the truth I was just another ‘one of the girls’ and was seen and treated as such. There was no discomfort or feelings of intrusion joining in their conversations about families, clothes, interests or relationships, or even female intimate medical problems and sex, although I did not not have much to contribute to the conversation about the more intimate topics,

I was enjoying the attention of Darren and of other men who I met in my daily life, who all regarded me as what I appeared to be, a young attractive confident and extrovert girl, and responded as any other girl my age would do. Darren was a particular area of concern for me though. When I had first told him about my background, he had brushed it off as of little consequence, but whether that would last a lifetime relationship without it becoming a problem sometime I was uncertain. Either I had to accept that I should just concentrate on my careers as a woman and accept that I would never be in a long-term stable relationship and live a lonely personally unfulfilled life, take a risk like any other woman entering a relationship knowing how high the rates are for separation and divorce, or forgetting about life and relationships as Joanne and reverting back to Joey with all the temporary problems that would bring and the unclear path that life would take.

I decided that I needed to have a serious conversation with Darren, even if he had doubts about a future lifetime together, he would give me a good indication of how I would be viewed by other men who may show an interest in me and the prospects of a ‘normal’ life like any other woman. Any decision I came to about that would determine my career choices.

“Hi Darren, can we meet up soon, there is something I need to talk to you about?” I quickly and curtly cut in when he answered his phone

“ If you’re chasing me about progress on the videos, I am working on them as we speak.”

“No this is not about work, it’s personal.”
“Ok, I’m just finishing something off, it’s a nice day, let’s meet in the beer garden at The Woodman’s Arms in half an hour, and you can tell me what is so urgent.”

I arrived to find Darren sitting in a secluded corner of the garden with a tankard of beer for him and
A glass of chilled white wine for me already on the table, and sat down opposite him, rather than beside him as I wanted to see his reaction when I was speaking to him.

“What’s this all about Jo, you look ever so serious and worried?”

“You know that I am still physically male, but I am now seriously considering doing something about that. I have all but decided to start a course of treatment to transition into a female, exactly like your friend Lorna that you told me about. However, unlike her, I am unsure about my sexual orientation, but will most likely look for a male partner rather than a female. I’m not asking for any commitment from you, but would like to know your thoughts on it and whether it will make any difference to our friendship, our relationship, and I would like you to be honest, even if I may not like what you have to say.”

“What you have suggested is not unexpected, although I wasn’t anticipating it yet. Give me a minute to get my thoughts together, I want to make sure that what I have to say comes out right.” He grabbed his tankard and swallowed most of its contents in one gulp before going quiet for a while, leaving me worried that I had been too blunt with him.

“Jo, we are getting very close to each other, but I have been keeping my distance as the thought of sex acts with another man, even such a feminine one as you are, does not appeal to me. I have only ever known you as a girl, and that is how I see you, despite knowing the truth. At the moment I enjoy your company and am very fond of you, but close friendship and the excitement of a bit of foreplay is as far as I am prepared to go at the moment. However if you were to transition, it would be a different matter altogether. When Lorna transitioned I considered taking our friendship to the next level, so obviously have no qualms about having a transgender partner in life, but she made it very clear that she was looking for a relationship with another woman. Obviously any changes in you are not going to happen overnight and a lot could happen between now and when you are complete. If you want a commitment now, I can’t give you anything stronger than I will be surprised if we cannot make it work, but no promises, I don’t want you to go down the path on the basis of a lifetime future together with me. You are a really attractive intelligent fun-loving girl and I would love to have said ‘no problems let’s get on with it.’ I’m sorry if that is not the answer you wanted to hear ”

“From the sound of that reply, you have obviously thought about it as much as me, which reassures me that you are sincere and not just saying things so as not to upset me. However I will be going down the path, as you put it, and I would like you there with me holding my hand on the way.”

He quickly rose from his seat, came round the table and pulled me onto my feet and into a passionate hug, drawing my breath away, unconcerned at all the looks we were getting from the nearby customers. That was the first moment that I really felt fully as a woman and instantly had thoughts of sex with him when I was fully complete, regretting that we not in a position to go there yet.

I could hardly contain my excitement as he came home with me to tell Josie that we had both made important decisions, me finally accepting that my future was female, and Darren intending to go down life’s path with me. We told her that we were in no rush, both of us really wanted me to be fully female in all respects before we married and that it would be a year or so before I could fully transition.

“I’m so pleased for you both Joanne, to be honest it was only a matter of time before you made the decision, it has been getting harder and harder to see you as anything but female, there is none, or very little, of Joey left in you. Most of the people you work with just accept that you are a natural girl and have no reason to doubt you. The same goes for our neighbour Maggie and her friends that you have been doing the filming with, Jen and Karen, and the girls in Susie’s salon. I suggest that you get yourself started on hormones, give it a few months for them to begin to have an effect, and proving to yourself that you have no doubts and then open up to them all, I’m sure that even though they will be surprised, they are so used to you being Joanne that it will make no difference to their friendship. Just wait until Jack gets home, I can hardly wait to tell him the news about you and Darren.”

“How are things between him and his parent’s now?”

“Jack is now referring to them as Jeremy and Melanie, since you told us the truth about his parentage and how they had effectively kidnapped him from his mother, he no longer feels that they deserve to be called Mum and Dad. Despite that, it’s a lot easier now that Melanie has moved over to France to get their house ready for the permanent move and she is unlikely to be returning anytime soon. Now the truth about Jack’s birth is out it has totally taken the wind out of her sails, I don’t expect any more trouble from that direction. Jack is spending an awful lot of time learning the ropes at the business with Jeremy, who is being very professional about the handover and is now talking to Jack a lot more without Melanie sticking her oar in. Jack says that luckily there is an excellent senior management team to support him making the handover a lot less difficult than it could have been. Most of the financial irregularities were down solely to Jeremy, although some of the others had an inkling of what was going on, Jeremy played his cards very close to his chest. Despite the companies being milked over the years the overall situation is not too bad, and Jack reckons a couple of reasonable years will pull everything back onto an even keel.”

The next morning I made an appointment to see my counsellor, Helen Hartley, but I would have to wait a few days until she had an opening in her schedule. Now that I had finally decided that my future was to be Joanne it was frustrating that my treatment couldn’t start right away , but a few days would not make a lot of difference,I had my whole life to look forward to

“Good morning Joanne, I take it that you have come to a final decision and from the glint in your eyes, I assume that means that Joanne is here to stay.’ Helen greeted me as I walked into her consulting room.”

“I’m definite now. I know that you had doubts as to my reasons for wanting to transition, but I am now certain that this is how I want to live my life, as Joanne, as a fully developed woman, or at least as developed as medical techniques can take me.Yes, it did start off as a convenient way to get started in a career that I desperately wanted, but the longer I have lived as Joanne, the more certain I am that this is how I should be. When I am with other women and girls, I just feel so comfortable and natural in their company, I feel act and react no differently to any another woman, I am just being myself.”

“Stating the obvious, no matter how successful your transition could be, you do realise and accept that you can never have children and that may hinder your chances of finding a partner who is prepared to accept that.”

“I have an understanding and caring boyfriend who is more than willing to stand by me. Once my transition is complete we hope to get married, but even if that does not work out, he has shown me that there are kind and tolerant men out there, I do not think that I will many more problems than any other woman in finding a soul-mate and partner, but I will take things as they come.”

“Joanne, I don’t know if you realise you are saying it, but several times you have referred to ‘any other woman’ or ‘another woman”, including yourself with them. That convinces me that you now see yourself a woman. You present well as a natural woman, in looks, the way you move, the gestures you make, and the way you speak and express yourself. I no longer have any reservations about diagnosing you as having gender dysphoria and will issue my formal decision to your GP who will arrange to start you on a course of hormone treatment leading eventually to corrective surgery to make you outwardly what you feel yourself to really be. Welcome to the world of womanhood Joanne, I hope everything turns out as you would like it to and that you have a long and happy life as the woman you are meant to be.”

A week later I was at the surgery with Dr Stewart, and she greeted with a warm smile.

“Joanne, I have received the diagnosis from Dr Hartley, which quite frankly does not surprise me in the least. I would like to give you a quick medical, just to make sure that none of your vital functions have changed since your last one, as Joey, five years ago before you went of to university. Please go behind the screen strip off and put on the smock.

“Ok Joanne just a quick question, your body is already fairly feminine, narrow shoulders, slim chest and waist and a hairless body with smooth skin, you haven’t already been taking any hormones or other treatment have you?”

“No, other than laser treatment to get rid of my body and facial hair, and the normal use of moisturisers on my skin, that’s just the natural me.”

“Your examination was fine, nothing unusual, so I am quite happy to start you on a course of hormone treatment. As I have already seen Dr Hartley’s report I already have everything ready, and unless you are having second thoughts I can give you an injection now to kick start everything and you will need to follow on with pills that I will give you a prescription for, do you want to go ahead?”

“That’s why I am here, yes I am ready for the hormone injection.”

“Ok that’s it done Joanne, please make an appointment for about six weeks time, by then things should be having an effect, and I will give you another check over.”

I dressed and left the surgery on cloud nine, happy that I was now on my way to being what had come to be the real me, Joanne Louise Johnson. I knew that it was psychological but it was as if I could feel the female hormones flowing through my body, changing me forever. Other than my birth this was the most significant event in my life, in many ways it was the start of a rebirth..

I was still on a high the I returned home later, luckily finding Josie alone. She saw the beaming smile on my face and waddled over to greet me with a huge hug.

“I assume that is it then, you are now on the way to womanhood, I am so pleased for you as, to be honest, for the last few months it has been obvious where you were heading. How long before the hormones have any noticeable effect.”

“Not for a while, I am not going to sprout breasts overnight or anything like that. I have another appointment with Dr Stewart in six weeks time for a check-up, she says that by then the hormones should have started to work.”

“Just be thankful that the hormones will never make you go through the way I am feeling now. I am bloated, my breasts feel enormous, I am so tired, and I can’t stop eating boxes of chocolate ice cream, I will be so glad when this baby finally decides to come into the world.”

“When exactly are you due?”

“Anytime really, in fact if anything I am overdue.”

As she sat down again she suddenlyclasped her stomach and gave a shriek of pain.

“Get a towel quickly my waters have just broken, get me to hospital as fast as you can.”

We were soon in the car and on the way with Josie occasionally wincing as she felt the contractions and swearing under her breath. While driving I phoned Jack to tell him to get to the hospital as the baby was coming. But when we arrived he was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed a wheelchair, sat Josie in it and almost ran to the maternity ward. A quick examination and a timing of the contractions soon showed that the baby was on its way and Josie was wheeled into the delivery room with me alongside holding her hand.

While the obstetrician and nurses were fussing around preparing everything Jack rushed in, flushed from running through the hospital worried that he was going miss the birth. I stepped back to let Jack take over comforting Josie, and watched in awe as the baby first started to appear, thinking that sometime in the future the space between my legs would be almost identical to Josie’s, but never able to be put to the same use. The baby was soon delivered and cleaned up and passed to Josie, who smiled adoringly at her, the pain and discomfort now overwhelmed by the feeling of joy and love.

Congratulations Mrs Shepherd you a lovely baby girl, she seems healthy enough but we will take her for a few tests in a moment when you are ready, and you can have a bit of a rest and get cleaned up before you are taken back to the maternity ward”

Looking at Jack she passed the baby to him. “Meet your daddy, Clara Josephine, and he can then pass you on to your Auntie Joanne.” I gently cradled Clara for a few moments, but whether it was already an effect of the hormones, or whether all the time I had spent as Joanne had changed my emotional boundaries, the tears started to roll, knowing that I would never be in Josie’s position, and I had to pass her back to one of the nurses. Leaving Josie and Jack to spend time with each other, I left to go and sit for a while in the main waiting area to collect my thoughts and wipe away my tears.

The looks of joy on the faces of Josie and Jack had really got to me, I needed to be alone with my thoughts, and headed for the park nearby. I sat contemplating a childless future, watching the clouds drifting by, and the ducks and geese flying in to settle on the lake for the night, to try to clear my mind of my confusion, I had conversations in my head again and again,”Am I really doing the right thing”, “It’s not too late to turn back.”, ”’Darren says now that he is prepared to accept me and make a success of out lives together, and not having children is not a big issue for him, but what if he sees our families and friends having children, will he always think the same?” My thoughts were going round in circles.

As I was passing the café, I wondered if Karen was on duty, it was a while since I had seen her and Jen and maybe a chat with her would get my mind back in a sensible place.I stood outside for a few minutes deciding whether to go in, but was nudged on my way by another customer holding the door open for me.”Are you coming in dear?”

I waited while Karen served the other customer before approaching the counter.”

“Hi Jo, I haven’t seen you for a while, go and sit down and I’ll bring you over a coffee and a bun, we can have a catch-up between customers.”

A few minutes late she brought things over and sat down next to me.

“You look a bit down in the dumps, are you having problems?”

“It has been an up and down day really, I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

‘That’s what friends are for, ‘A burden shared is a burden halved.’ and all that, tell me what’s troubling you.”

“ I have decided to go forward with transition to make me fully female and this morning I went for my kick-start hormone shot.”

“About time too, I’ve been wondering what has been holding you up ! So why are you not happy with that, it’s where your life has been heading for months.”

“That’s not what is worrying me, I was quite elated imagining that I could feel the hormones rushing round my body. However when I got home Josie’s went into labour and I had to rush her into hospital.”

“Did everything go ok, are Josie and her baby alright.”

“ Yes they’re fine, better than fine, she had a lovely little baby girl, Clara Josephine. However when they passed her to me to cradle her, it hit me that I would never be able to have a child of my own.”

“Don’t let that get to you, many couples can’t, or choose not to, have a family, you have an amazing career and I hear that it is going to get even better, count the positives not the negatives.”

“I know that what you are saying is common sense, but when I look at people like you with Marianne and Josie with Clara and despite the niggles and the hard work, seeing the love shining out of your eyes, I can’t help wondering whether I am doing the right thing.”

“If you are that concerned there is always adoption.”

“Without going into details I have recently seen the downsides to raising a child that is not your own, sometimes it is not a problem, other times it does not go well when the facts are revealed. I might change my opinion when things are not so raw, but it’s not something that I am considering at the moment.”

“I’m sorry to be so indelicate but I assume that the hormones have not kicked in yet and that you are still fully functioning, have you considered surrogacy? Think about it while I serve that customer, we’ll continue this in a few minutes.”

“As you so bluntly put it, I believe that I am still fully functioning, but to be honest there has not been a lot of activity lately.”

‘“The same goes for me too, between working here and looking after Marianne and the house, I am so whacked at the end of the day that sex is the last thing on my mind when I climb into bed.” She quickly replied giggling at the thought of previous encounters.

“Surrogacy is not a bad idea, but I am sure that I don’t have a lot of time, before it won’t be possible, I don’t know how to go about finding someone that I can trust to give up the baby and not cause future problems.”

“That should not be a problem, I have someone in mind, just give me a few minutes to think, I’ll go and clear up the tables from the last of the customers while I get my thoughts together.”

Returning a few minutes later, she sat down, holding my hand. “It’s not a problem, I’ll do it for you, if you feel you can trust me.”

To be continued.