“Oh, come on Ally, please, you have nothing else to do today.” my sister Claire kept on at me. “We are short of people and it is a good opportunity to raise money for our troop summer camp.”

“Why would I be interested in spending my time with a bunch of ditzy girls. If you and your friends from the Guide troop want to spend all day collecting in the supermarket , go ahead, you’re raising money for GIRL Guides, and in case you have forgotten, I am a boy. How many times have I asked you to stop calling me Ally, at school I get called Alex or Alexander or even Xander, you are the only one who calls me Ally.”

My Mum decided that this had gone on long enough and chipped in, “Alex why not help the girls out, it will help your sister and her friends have a few little luxuries when they go away for summer camp. You are too much of a loner and spend far too much time at your computer, getting out and socialising with with other people, even ‘ditzy girls’ will do you good.”

After this double-barrelled onslaught for a half-hour, I gave in and arranged to go with Claire for the afternoon. The local supermarket occasionally allowed youth charity groups to stand near the checkouts and offer to help in packing the groceries for customers, expecting a donation in return. The shop rules said that any collectors had to be readily identifiable and so I ended up at the checkout wearing a Girl Guide Rangers polo t-shirt like the others.

Despite my initial reservations, I enjoyed the afternoon chatting with the girls and the customers, even though I was often referred to by the customers I was helping as ‘dear’ or ‘love’ and being thanked for being a ‘helpful pleasant girl’. As long as they put money in the collection bucket, I just gritted my teeth and smiled. It wasn’t helped by my collar length shaggy hair and Claire and her friends calling me Ally.

Claire and I are twins, obviously not identical as we are different genders, but we are roughly the same size with the same hair colouring (mousey-brown, or light-brown as Claire preferred to call it) and eye colour (brown, or hazel as she preferred). There is no way that we could be mistaken for each other, but it is fairly obvious that we are related.

When we had finished our session at the store, Claire and another three girls asked me to join them at the local burger bar for a drink and something to eat. We placed our orders at the counter and found a table while we waited for the waitress to bring over our food and drinks.

“Here’s your order girls, as we hear that you have been raising charity money all day, the manager has said that your meals are ‘on the house’, so here is all your money back, enjoy your meals.” Again I was just included in “ here’s your order girls”, I thought to myself that I must arrange to get my hair trimmed.

The girls chatted away while we were eating and I was finding it difficult to follow all the conversations going on at once, so I mainly sat there quietly, However they made a big effort to pull me into the chat and I soon relaxed with them and joined in.

The girls, Claire and her friends Zoe, Amber and Natalie, were a really friendly group and seemed to get on well together, and I became a little jealous of the way that they all got on. We lived in a small village outside of Derby, where we went to school, and there were no other boys of my age around without travelling into town, so Mum was right, I was a bit of a loner.

From childhood, Claire had been involved with the guide movement, from Rainbows, Brownies, Guides and now Rangers, and really enjoyed all the activities they got up to. Whilst the Guide troop in the village was quite strong, there was no Scout movement group, and although I would have liked the opportunity to mix and have fun with other boys, it was just not possible. I didn’t even have anyone to discuss boy-things with, my father had died in a car accident when we were infants, and although Mum did a wonderful job bringing us up as a lone-parent I did miss interacting with other males

When we had finished and were getting ready to go home, Zoe thanked me for my help today and said that she had enjoyed my company both at the collection in the store and in the burger bar, and that I was more than welcome to join them again the next time they went out together.

We told mum about the success of the fund-raising and that we had all gone for a meal together. Claire just had to tell her that I had been mistaken many times for one of the girls, and that I did seem to fit in with them.

“I’ve told you many times Alex that you wear your hair too long and that you should get it cut, it’s always hanging over your face. You need to either get it cut or start tying it back out of the way.” Claire jumped up and ran off upstairs and came back a few minutes later with her hair brush and a few bits and pieces of accessories.

“What Mum said made me think. Let me brush your hair and see what I can do with it.” While Mum went to prepare our dinner, I let Claire play about with my hair to pass the time and when Mum came back into the room she broke into a big grin. Claire had brushed my hair back and held it in place with a scrunchie, and had pulled some forward and trimmed it to make a thick fringe.

“Have you seen yourself Alex? Maybe Claire is right, perhaps it should be Ally, with you both wearing the uniform t-shirt and with your hair like that you look like sisters not sister and brother.” We both got up and stood next to each other looking in the mirror, and to be perfectly honest, other than a little bit of eye makeup that Claire wore, it was hard to tell which one of us was a boy.

Claire and Mum were enjoying this too much and both talked me into letting her apply some mascara, eye-liner and lipstick, which totally changed the look of my face and looking in the mirror again all I could see was a girl looking back at me.

Just staying as I was we sat down for dinner and chatted a bit more about my day and how I had got on with the girls, after which Claire and I cleared up and did the dishes while mum sat down to relax. This was a bit unusual, particularly for me, as I normally went straight up to my room to get on my computer, leaving Mum and Claire to tidy up.

“Thank you very much Claire and Ally, that was a nice change, why don’t we all sit down and watch a film, it’s nice that you two haven’t rushed off to your rooms and that we can spend some time together.”

Mum selected ‘Fishermen’s Friends” as a suitable film for all of us, it had a bit of romance but was not slushy and too sentimental, and was mostly a story about the relationship between a group of men friends and their rise to success as a folk-music group singing mainly sea-shanties. Talking about it afterwards we had all enjoyed it in different ways, Claire and Mum liked the romantic strain which developed through the story, I liked the way the male characters all changed their attitudes and interacted with each other, and we all enjoyed the music and singing.

“Right, the pair of you, it’s getting late, go and clean off your make-up and brush your teeth, and get ready for bed, I’ve really enjoyed this evening, we must do it more often.”

Unusually Claire came into my room with me. “You’ve been wearing a girl’s shirt all day, and spent a lot of time with my friends and with Mum, why not finish off the day feeling girly, just leave your hair tied back as it is now, put on this nightie I have brought you and come next door so I can clean off your make-up, and we can have a bit of gossip before getting into bed.” The nightie was nothing exotic, just a short cotton shift with elbow length sleeves, so I did not feel too embarrassed putting it on and going next door to Claire’s room for a half-hour, where she told me how to clean off the makeup and put on some moisturiser before going back to my bed.

The next morning, I made my normal rush to the bathroom and on the way back to my room I bumped into Mum. “ Hi Ally, you seem to have got into this girl spirit, just come down for breakfast as you are, but before you do, please put on a pair of pants first.” Mum was fully dressed, but Claire came down in her pyjama set, why had she given me a nightie, when she was in pyjamas ?

“ You could have worn your pyjamas or, as often, nothing, but I just thought that it was a way to finish off your girly day, and you didn’t seem to object. I’m going off with the girls today, into town, do you want to come with us, it’s the same gang you were with yesterday.”

“Thanks, but I’ll give it a miss, I have work to do for school tomorrow, enjoy yourselves.”

Before I took off the nightie, I had a good look at myself in the mirror, and if I didn’t know better I would swear that I was looking at a girl. At 15 years old I still hadn’t bulked out, my arms and legs were still skinny, I had very little body hair and my facial hair was non-existent. My voice had still not broken and when I sang it was in a clear soprano, it had not even dropped down to Alto, and when I was with the girls at the shop I even started to talk like them. I promised myself that I would go for a check-up at the doctor’s to make sure that there was no problem and that I was just a late developer.

I put on a pair of knee-length Khaki shorts and a polo shirt and decided to just brush my hair back as Claire had done and tie it back, as it saved it from falling into my face when I was working at my desk. A couple of hours later all my school-work was finished and I went downstairs where mum was working in the kitchen.

“Anything I can do to help, I’ve finished what I need to do and the weather outside is too nasty to go out and do the gardening?”

“I was about to make some bread, it’s all in the bowl, it just needs mixing together into a dough and a lot of kneading to get the air into it, have a go at that if you want, it’s not my favourite job. There’s a bib apron there if you want it, it will save getting flour dust all over your clothes”

After putting on the bright red full length bib apron I put my hands into the bowl and started getting all the ingredients mixed into a dough. Mum then told me how to work it further, called kneading, to get air into the dough to encourage the yeast to swell the dough and left me to it for ten minutes to really work it up. That was the job done and I was just about to start clearing up while the dough was left to rise when there was a knock at the door.

“Will you get that for me please Ally, and see who it is, I’m upstairs.”

When I opened the door there was a woman there. “ Is Claire in dear?” I thought that I was getting fed up being called dear and being mistaken for a girl, but then remembered the way my hair was tied back and that I had bare legs under the apron, and decided not to bother arguing about it.

“ I’m afraid that she’s out with friends at the moment, can I help?”

“You must be her sister Ally, I’ve heard her mention you to the other girls. I’m Margaret Johnson, the Guide troop leader, and was hoping to talk to her about arranging something for our next meeting of the Rangers with the younger guides, I’ll have to come back later. You look all dusty with flour, are you in the middle of baking?”

“Yes I’m helping Mum by making some bread and you’ve caught me before I have had a chance to clean up.”

“It’s so good to see a young girl that is interested in cooking, too many nowadays are only capable of opening a pack of ready-meals.”

Mum caught the end of this conversation when she came downstairs, smiling. “Come in Margaret and tell me what you are after, Ally please go and make us a cup of tea and bring in the biscuits.”

I took off the apron and joined them for the tea and biscuits.

“ Hi Judy, it’s nice to see you again.Why I have come round is that we need a speaker or somebody interesting for the next meeting and Claire said that she would try and think of something different, I’ve not heard from her and it’s getting a bit late to organise anything now, but I’ve just had an idea. Ally would you be interested in coming to our meeting and giving a demonstration on bread making, I’m sure that a lot of the girls would find it interesting?”

I had just taken a sip of tea and I almost choked when i heard that, I thought to myself “Please Mum, tell her it’s not a good idea.” but Mum agreed and promised that she would work a bit more with me so that my demonstration could cover a bit more ground.

“ Thanks for your help there Mum,” I said after Mrs Johnson had left, “ I’m now committed to go along to the guides meeting in a room full of girls and to make it worse Mrs Johnson is convinced that I am a girl, please think of a way to get me out of this.”

“ I keep telling you that you need to mix with people more. I know that there are no other boys your age around here but there are plenty of girls and most are in the Guides at one level or another, go and meet some and make some friends. As for Margaret thinking you are a girl, can you blame her, you have your hair brushed very girly, your voice is very girly, and are wearing baggy shorts that almost look like culottes and she was calling you Ally, it’s easy to make the mistake.”

By now it was time to give the dough a second knead and to leave it in the bread tin to rise again before putting it into the oven to bake. I was really happy with the way the loaf turned out, it looked a bit rustic, not all smooth like the supermarket bread, and the taste and smell of fresh bread is always amazing.

When Claire came back home later, Mum told her all about our visitor and what had been agreed, and she went into fits of giggles which just made me go angrier and redder.

“I told you that you should have come into town with me and the girls, now you will have to spend even more time with even more girls, just enjoy it all sis.”

For the rest of the week after school Mum gave me even more coaching lessons on bread -making, as well, as basic loaves there were buns and rolls, and soda bread and bannocks. On the night before my talk we made a fresh batch of the various types to take as samples of the finished product so that as well as showing and describing the techniques, they could actually see how they all turned out. Obviously making bread from scratch would take too long so we prepared a few ‘this is one I made earlier’ examples at the various stages.

Claire insisted that as everyone would think that I was a girl, that I ought to look like one and Mum agreed. My hair was brushed back and held with side-combs and given a light spray to hold it in place. Again I was attacked with a mascara brush and eyeliner pencil and lipstick, finished off with one of Claire’s skirts and tops and a pair of Mary Janes and I thought that I was ready to go, but Mum thought different.

“A girl your age Ally should really have breasts, Claire have you still got those padded bras and briefs that you used before you developed a bit?” It was Claire’s turn to feel embarrassed at me now knowing about her figure-improvement aids, but she came back in a few minutes with a choice and with a box of tissues to add extra padding. A quick change and I soon had a fine pair of developing breasts even if they were all cotton wool and tissues.

Mum drove us to the meeting hall and helped carry in the mini-oven and all the samples and mixes for the demonstration and helped set everything up before going of for a chat with Mrs Johnson.

I busied myself getting more and more nervous while the Guides and Rangers went through their normal meeting stuff, but it was soon time for my spot.

“ Right Girls, some of you know Ally here, for those that don’t, this is Claire’s twin sister.” which brought on a lot of giggling from Claire, Chloe, Amber and Natalie and a few others who knew me from school, “A few days ago I walked in on her making bread with her Mum and thought it a good idea if she could come and share this with you as it is always good to know how to cook proper food. I am not a dinosaur and realise that girls your age are not as domestically-minded as those my age, but I assure you that there is real satisfaction in preparing your food from scratch. Ally is not used to standing up in front of a crowd so please remember your law number 5 ‘A Guide is polite and considerate’ and give her a chance.”

I stuttered and stammered for a few minutes but soon relaxed, and remembering everything Mum had taught me and took them through all the various stages of mixing, kneading, letting the dough rise, knocking it back and rolling it into the tin to rise again before baking. I had made enough dough to put some aside to demonstrate forming buns and rolls, and put everything in the oven to cook while I handed out samples of the stuff I had made at home.

“Thank you very much for that Ally,” said Mrs Johnson winding things up, “and thank you to Claire and her Mum for arranging such an informative and well presented talk. I can’t remember the last time I heard you all so quiet for so long.”

I was soon surrounded by a throng of girls, mainly the younger ones, all asking how long I had been baking, was it as easy as I made it look, could they take some of the samples home to their Mums, and it was even busier when I took the fresh baked stuff out of the oven. I really enjoyed the evening and it felt good to be in a crowd of people who were interested in me for a change.

Mum and Claire helped me clear up and load the stuff back into the car and Mum headed for home, leaving me with Claire and her close friends.

“You were amazing tonight sis, you really sounded like you had been baking for ages and everyone just accepted you as one of the girls, even those of us who know different, Come here and let’s all have a group hug.” I was soon surrounded and nearly crushed by Claire, Chloe, Amber and Natalie.

“We’re all going back to mine for a coffee, do you want to come with us Ally.” said Chloe, and I decided to join them.

“You know what Ally, you are much more interesting and outgoing as a girl, I can’t remember you being so confident and self-assured before, you should hang around with us more often, and I love the way you’ve done your hair, it really suits you.” Amber said to me as we were all walking arm-in-arm to Chloe’s.

“ Don’t forget that I am a boy, although I may not look like it today. I really enjoyed my day with you all at the shop collection and had a lot of fun tonight, but it’s not the real me.” Nevertheless I was glad I had gone back with them, I was so relaxed in their company, they really made me welcome into their gang, and I felt that I had made some real friends.

I started hanging around with the gang at school, going in together on the bus and having lunch together and really started getting into their chat, One day on the bus home Natalie asked me if I would like to go to one of their Ranger meetings with them.

“Don’t be silly Natalie the clue is in the name GIRL guides, boys are not allowed.”

“That’s where you are wrong Ally, boys can now be accepted and I quote from an official memo, ‘membership will be judged on ‘self identity rather than biological gender’, which means boys between the ages of five and 14 will be able to join a group without having to undergo medical treatment or dress as a girl.’ After you having given the baking demo wearing make-up and a skirt, and mixing so well with the girls afterwards, I don’t think you will have any trouble convincing Brown Owl that you identify with girls. Although you wouldn’t have to act and dress as a girl, you do it so well that it might be easier to fit in if you do.”

At home Claire was very eager to tell Mum about what Natalie had suggested, but Mum said she wanted to have a long think about it and to leave it for a few days.

On the bus to school we all talked about Natalie’s suggestion that I go the the Rangers meeting with them and they all thought that it would be a brilliant idea, and that it would help me become more comfortable and relaxed in the company of girls. However it would mean that I would have to be accepted as a girl and fit in with them.

I didn’t know what I really wanted to do, on one hand I was a boy, and was happy being a boy hopefully growing into a man, even if I had no close male friends or relatives, on the other hand I enjoyed the company of the girls and was happy and relaxed with them as my best friends, and was getting used to my new hairstyle and the girls jeans and jumpers I had taken to wearing when out of school and out with Claire and her friends.

My Mum had arranged for me to have a check-up the doctor’s as she knew that I was a bit concerned about my lack of physical maturity and growth. After a thorough examination, blood pressure and heart rate readings and lung capacity and strength checks, and taking of blood samples for testing, he told me that I was in excellent physical health otherwise and would have to wait for the results of the tests to come back before we could go any further.

“ Margaret Johnson, the Guides Brown Owl, has been on the phone. The girls told her about inviting you to their meetings, and she said that you would be more than welcome as you were exactly the sort of confident outgoing type of girl they were looking for to boost their numbers, they didn’t mention that you are a boy, not a girl. I didn’t correct her as we still haven’t agreed whether it is something you want to do.”

“I don’t know Mum, there are no there boys in the village to socialise with and the girls, Claire and her friends and those in the Guide troop are really friendly and sociable and I enjoy being with them, but I’m a boy, not a girl, and somehow I think it would not be right.”

“ Look Ally, you need to socialise more, and learn how to mix with people. If the only choice you have is mixing with girls, give it a try, it won’t do you any harm and you could get some nice friends.”

“ No promises, but I will think about it, but please say nothing to Claire.”

A couple of weeks later we were back at the doctors to hear the results of the tests he had done.

“ Alex, you are generally in good health, your cardio-vascular system is very sound, your blood count is normal and you are reasonably fit. However, we have found that your hormone levels are well out of balance, your male hormone levels are very low and your female hormone levels very high, in both cases they are at the extremity of normal levels. It really means that unless we do something you will never develop fully as a man. This can be corrected to a certain extent by medication, but at your age it is unlikely that it will cause you to grow much more, although taking male hormones would bulk you out a bit, and it would cause your voice to deepen. Because your levels are very extreme it is likely that you will need to take tablets for the rest of your life otherwise your hormones will go back to their natural levels. Do you understand?”

“ It sounds like that I am neither fully male or female, that is a big shock, but it is what I was worried you might say. I need time to take this all in, unless there is any urgent medical need I don’t want to start taking any pills just yet.”

“That’s fine, take all the time you want and make an appointment with me when you are ready.”

When we got home I went to my room and spent the next few hours searching through the internet, looking up everything I could find about hormone imbalance, and even came across information on chromosome irregularities and irregular pairings of X&Y chromosomes, causing all sorts of ‘intersex” conditions.

“ I don’t know what to think Mum, it would appear that no matter what I let the doctors do to me, that I will always be a small skinny boy and man with a high-pitched voice, and I don’t think that I would ever fully fit in.”

“ I may regret saying this, but if you think that you will never be a fully-fledged man, why not think about living as a girl. From what the doctor said, you are borderline whether you are male or female, you are not well developed sexually and probably never will be. If you feel that you could learn to be more comfortable as a girl, give it a try, it’s a good life, Claire and I both get on with it very well. Why not go with Claire and the girls to a few Ranger meetings and see how you get on and mix in with everybody. They don’t wear full uniforms, normally just trousers and t-shirt top, not much different to what you would normally wear.”

“Let me think it over, but you are probably right, what harm will it do, please let me tell Claire in my own time and in my own way.”

“Claire, you know how you all talked to Brown Owl about me joining the Guides, if it is ok with you I would like to come along to a few meetings to see how I feel about it, but I may decide that it is not for me and you and your friends have to accept that. The other thing is that I would go as Ally, as a girl, you will need to have words with anyone who knows me as a boy and swear them to keep it secret.”

“ Don’t worry about it, I will make sure that the girls are fine, and I’m sure that you will enjoy it with us Sis. i think it would be better if Brown Owl knew about you though, there are all sorts of Health&Safety and Protection of Children issues and I’m sure that she would not want to be held responsible if there are any problems.”

My Mum called Mrs Johnson round for a chat about me joining the troop.

“Margaret, we have talked it through and Ally has decided that it would be good experience to join Claire and the girls in your troop.However you need to know the that Ally is biologically a boy, not a girl. There are all sorts of hormonal imbalances and stuff like that, which is why he has not fully developed as a male. He is trying to decide where his future lies and we think it would help if he had a few more experiences as a girl to see how he feels and fits in. I understand that your rules now allow gender-confused boys to join, but I don’t wan’t to put you in any awkward position and will understand if you do not wish to accept this.”

“Judy, I have no problems with it, I would never have guessed, Ally makes a pretty and pleasant young girl, and after the bread-making demo, a few of the girls said that we should get her to join. Apologies for calling Ally “she and her”, but it’s how I have got to know her and think of her. At least, now that I know, I can keep an eye on her as part of my ‘duty of care’ as troop leader. Get Claire to bring her along to our next few meetings and if she gets to enjoy coming, we can welcome her into the troop.”

When Brown Owl left my Mum call Claire and I down from our rooms for a family talk.

“Claire, I have just had a talk with your troop leader and she is happy that Ally starts coming to your Ranger meetings, so arrange it with your friends to make life easy. What you don’t know is that Ally has medical problems which is why he has not developed to match other boys, and in some ways is almost as much of a girl as he is a boy. I don’t fully understand it and can’t explain it, but it is a fact. You have to be understanding, no insults or sarcastic remarks, treat it as part of your ‘helping the community’ theme project. Although Ally is going to have some experiences with you as a girl, he will have to finish school until the end of term as a boy, so no going overboard making him too girly ok!”

“ I don’t really understand the medical bit but am ok with the rest Mum, the girls will be really happy. Ally has fitted in with us really well the last few weeks and we just treat her as another one of the girls, when she is out with us, she looks talks and acts like the rest of us. I have often thought before that it was pity that she could not join the guides with me, I have really enjoyed my time in the troop and it has really helped me develop as a person.”

The following Friday, wearing skinny jeans, a Ranger’s tunic top and the Mary Janes and padded bra and briefs that I had worn last time, all borrowed from Claire’s wardrobe, I went to the troop meeting. I walked into the hall with Claire, Chloe, Amber and Natalie, a bit uncertain as to whether anyone would see me as a boy and a little bit uncertain if it was right for me to be here anyway. I did not really know what to expect, as when I had been there for the demonstration, I was working in the kitchen preparing for my talk while they had their general meeting.

A lot of the girls came over to me to welcome me to the troop and hoping that I would soon join.

After the formal start where the guides all repeated their promise ‘I promise that I will do my best, to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide Law’, we broke into small groups to discuss projects each of the girls was working on.

Rather than formal rigid tests, the idea was more about personal development and character building to prepare them for life later in the adult world of work. Some of the girls were doing community based projects, assisting in care homes and nurseries, collecting litter and tidying up the village, shopping or gardening for housebound elderly people. Others were developing skills for future careers with placements in local businesses, or improving computer skills, or attending specialist out-of-school courses. Some were just developing their knowledge of their hobbies; others were more interested in outdoor pursuits, trekking, camping, kayaking. The choice and level of commitment was very much a personal one, with the leaders only offering advice on how to get involved and who to speak to. The one thing they had in common was enthusiasm and commitment.

In their groups the girls generally ran through each others projects, offering suggestions and ideas as to where to go next or different approaches to take. It was all on a mutual self-help basis, nobody seemed to mind others telling them where to improve, nobody took the approach of ‘it’s my project, let me do it my way’. Each meeting, one of the girls gave a formal talk to the whole troop, which in addition to broadening everyone’s knowledge of subjects that they hadn’t been involved with before, also helped develop public-speaking and presentation skills and to overcome shyness and gain confidence.

Tonight it was Natalie’s turn, and she confidently gave a talk on her activities towards getting her Duke of Edinburgh award. She described how she had carried out her community projects, visiting people in hospital to cheer them up, assisting the Brownies and younger Guides to improve their skills, and working at weekends as a volunteer in the Community library. She then outlined her plans for her summer outdoor activities in the Peak district, rock-climbing in Dovedale North of Ashbourne and kayaking on sections of the river Derwent around Matlock. That really surprised me as I did not see her as an adventurous outdoor type, in fact I hadn’t really thought them as things that would interest girls. However those activities interested me too and I asked if I could join her.

All in all it was a really good night, after the meeting I went with Claire and her friends back to Natalie’s for a drink and a chat. I was beginning to feel totally at ease with the girls now, I had a set of friends that I felt comfortable and happy with at last.

We were busy at school for the next few weeks, preparing for and taking our GCSE exams, and apart from the occasional shopping trip with the girls we did not really get together much. I hadn’t decided yet what to do next year, whether to stay on at school or go to college to get my A-levels to prepare me for university, and decided to have a good think about it over the summer holidays.

Natalie and I prepared for our adventure activities, and we decided that I should go as Ally, so that if I decided to join the guides the activities could go on my records. This gave Claire and Mum the opportunity to take me shopping for some summer clothes of my own rather than borrowing Claire’s. I soon had a wardrobe of summer tops and shorts, with a dressy sweater and skirt for if we were going out to get something to eat, and some underwear of my own. It seemed strange that the only new clothes that had been bought for me this year were girls’ stuff, but it was a new experience selecting from a much wider range of styles than are available for boys.

They insisted that I needed a bikini for under my top and shorts when kayaking, despite the fact that I didn’t have anything to fill the top. Claire had been scrolling through some internet story sites and had got some ideas, so before I went away, I had been fitted with stuck-on breast forms and learned how to tuck myself, so both parts of the bikini fitted correctly. The extra weight on my chest and the lack of ‘dangly bits’ between my legs altered my balance and posture and way of walking and gave me a more feminine gait.

Natalie had arranged for us to stay in hostels or B&Bs and hire all the necessary heavy equipment so that we could travel light, or at least as light as it is possible for two girls. We caught buses to get us up to Ashbourne where we had arranged to be picked up to take us up to Dovedale where there are several decent climbs on the escarpments just north of Thorpe Cloud.

After an instruction session with Jack, one of the local climbing club members. we started off on one of the easier climbs, where there were already safety ropes and hand-holds. At first this was quite scary and halfway up I thought ‘Why am I doing this, I must be mad’, but the wonderful feeling of achievement when I reached the top more than made up for it and I wondered why I had never thought of doing this before.

We had a few more climbs, graduating to the slightly harder routes and I was surprised at how focussed and competitive Natalie was, she was determined to finish the climbs faster than I did and was delighted when she beat me on every ascent.

We finished our day with Jack, thanked him for all the guidance and help he had given, said goodbye with a hug and a kiss, and tired but smugly self-satisfied at what we had achieved, we walked to our overnight stop at the Youth Hostel in Ilam.

“You are really getting into being a girl Ally, I saw the smile on your face when we kissed him goodbye.”

“It just seemed the polite thing to do, I just copied you.”

“ Did it feel strange to you to kiss a man though, girls kiss each other on the cheek all the time, but boys usually don’t?”

“I didn’t really think about it, at the time it just seemed the right thing to do.”

When we got to Ilam Hall, a former Country Estate Mansion now serving as a Youth Hostel, we found that we had been booked into one of the girls’ dormitories rather than a private room. A few months earlier I would have been so excited but embarrassed to be sharing a dorm with 9 girls, but it just seemed natural now and even the sight of girls coming back from the showers and walking around in next-to-no clothes just seemed nothing out of the ordinary to me.

Before we all settled down for the night there was a bit of a pyjama party where we all sat around chatting about what we had been up to, swapping suggestions of where to go and what to do, while brushing out our hair and doing each others nails. They were all a pleasant and friendly group of girls, who all seemed keen to give each other advice and help, and it was relaxing way to end an exciting, challenging and tiring day.

We spent the next day walking up Dovedale, which was very busy with casual walkers, giving us a good view of the climbs we had made the day before, cutting across to return down the more quiet and remote Manifold Valley, through some delightful rugged scenery and rolling hills, to the hostel at Ilam. We spent a second night there before we managed to find someone to give us a lift back to the A515 main road where we caught a bus to take us to Matlock.

Natalie had arranged for us to stay with Josie, someone she had met and made friends with at one of the County Ranger get-togethers, and she decided to join us on the kayaking course and trip. As the local guides and scouts frequently used the facilities at the Kayaking centre at Matlock Bath, we got special discounted rates, and special treatment and instructions at the centre. After a basic training session, including ‘turning turtle’ and re-righting ourselves we had a gentle paddle upstream through Matlock town to get used to how the kayaks responded and drifted back with the current and a little bit of effort.

Josie had arranged for us to go for a meal together later with her brother Chris and a couple of his friends. We made a bit of an effort and dressed a little more presentably, wearing my new skirt and sleeveless blouse and with a bit more make-up than I was used to. We were soon paired off, the girls obviously fancied the friends and I ended up with her brother Chris. We had a great time, chatting and walking down by the river holding hands, and sitting on a bench in the moonlight. The moon and the stars made for such a romantic atmosphere and Chris and I ended up hugging and kissing, it felt strange to me, I had never had any romantic thoughts of boys before, but it just seemed right and enjoyable at the time. We went back to Josie’s and she, Natalie and I chatted while we got ready for bed.

“ You got on really well with Chris, and he seemed to like you a lot Ally, if ever you want to come and visit us again, give me a call, I’m sure that he would love to see you again.” Josie said to me with a big smile on her face.

I should have politely turned her down after all, why would I want to develop a relationship with a boy, but instead the words that came out were “You never know, I’ll have a think about it, I might just do that.”

When Josie had left us Natalie came and sat next to me and put her arm around me. “ Oh Ally, what are we going to do with you, you have been dressing as a girl for only a few weeks, and you are already behaving like one of us, are you sure that you are comfortable with all this?”

I then told her about my medical condition and that It looked like that I would never fully be a man, and that I was thinking about how to deal with it and that one of the options would be to live fully as a girl.

“Why not give it a try, join the Rangers and come with us to Summer camp, immerse yourself in ‘girl’ for a couple of weeks and see if you then feel the same. Either you will enjoy it and decide to stay as a girl, or you will decide that it is not for you and you can go back to being Alex.

Having mastered the basics of controlling the kayak the previous day, the next morning we went downstream where the waters were a lot livelier, with lots of swirls and eddies an half-concealed rocks making for white water and giving a much more exciting time. we ended up soaked to the skin, I was glad that I had on my bikini. We went back to Josie’s to get dried off and changed, freshened up our make-up and got packed ready say ‘Thank You and Goodbye’ to Josie and her family and leave for home. I had a special goodbye hug and kiss from Chris who made me promise to come and visit again, before we set off for the train back to Derbyll
“Did you enjoy your few days as a girl then Ally, you really seemed to get into the spirit of it and blend in, and everyone just accepted you as another one of the girls”

“I have had a great time Natalie, and it has made me decide to join up to the Guides and live as a girl for a while, at least for the school holidays to see how I settle in, before deciding what I want to do with my life.”

“If you are going to join, when you get home write up a diary of what you have done the last few days, the rock-climbing and the kayaking, but leave out the bits about meeting and kissing boys, it will all count towards badges and awards.”

When I got back home, I had a long chat with Mum and told her what I was planning to do, and she agreed that it was worth trying to help me make up my mind. I phoned Brown Owl and agreed that I would like to join them at their summer camp, before becoming a full member if that was acceptable.

The next two weeks preparing for going away to the camp were hectic, I was going to live as a girl, with girls, 24/7 for two weeks, and between Mum, Claire and her friends I was given an intensive crash course in all things ‘girl’. As well as all the physical things, getting my hair cut and styled, make-up lessons, buying more clothes, practising talking and gestures, we wove together a potted history of where I had been to school, who my friends were, where I had been on holiday, some of it based on reality, some completely fictional, except for the few people that had known me as Alex it was all a very believable story.

We all set off in a minibus to the scout camp at Beaudesert near Lichfield, a formal camp site in the grounds of a former mansion, now just a ruin, in the middle of Cannock Chase and on the edge a large woodland. Although we were living and sleeping in tents, there were communal areas were we could mix with other groups of both Guides and Scouts, particularly in the evenings for a good sing-song of traditional camp-fire songs as well as some more modern karaoke style. We took part in the traditional wide-games, trekking, orienteering treasure-hunts and such like, as well as visits to the historic city of Lichfield and its magnificent Cathedral and, for fun, the theme park at Drayton Manor.

I was amazed at how well I fitted in with and was accepted by the girls, and decided that the rather empty life I had had as a lonely boy was not nearly as good as the one I was having now and that I would like to remain as a girl and develop into a woman for the rest of my life. My medical problems were never going to go away and could just as easily be corrected by treatment as a female as as a male.

I made the first step towards this by asking Brown Owl to induct me as a member of the troop before we left camp. Although in camp we were all dressed casually in jeans and tops and anoraks, Claire and the girls decided that I ought to be a bit more formal for my induction, and so I made my promise wearing a Guide’s Uniform dress, with a little make-up and with my hair properly dressed in soft waves.

"I promise that I will do my best, to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide Law.”

At last I was being true to myself.