Chapter One
Fear and Flight

Life was difficult for me when I was growing up. My Mam tried her best to raise my older sister, Jemma, and me to be polite respectful and keep ourselves clean and tidy. The same could not be said for my father, to put it bluntly he was a drunken lazy loud-mouthed slob. The only times he appeared respectable was when he was going to work as a bricklayer on construction sites or down to the Rugby club to see his teammates. He was a big intimidating hulk of a man , a typical front-row forward, tall bulky and not afraid to use his size to get his way, on or off the Rugby field, or at home. My mam shielded us from his temper and abuse as much as she could, as best as she could, but she couldn’t be around all the time.

After Jemma and I had gone upstairs to our beds, we often heard their raised voices in the kitchen and living room, having violent arguments, and frequently the next morning saw bruises on Mam’s arms or face. He never physically attacked Jemma or me, but we often felt the lash of his tongue as he berated us for minor breaches of what he thought our roles and aims in life should be.

He was always on at Jemma about wearing jeans and sloppy loose tops, telling her that now she was seventeen and growing into a woman she should dress as one, wear dresses skirts and more makeup, and learn how to flirt and satisfy a man.This was totally opposite to how he expected Mam to look, anything more than lipstick or any clothes that he thought to be ‘too sexy’ brought accusations of her playing around and being unfaithful to him, usually followed by at best a slapping, at worst a beating.

His beef with me was that I was quite small and weedy and he often told me how disappointed he was that I would never be able to follow him into the rugby team, not even as a fly-half, the smaller players who were the fast runners with the ball. Once he even jokingly suggested that I try out for the girls’ team as I was more of their size and weight rather than like the bigger boys growing up through the ranks. In addition he was always criticising everything I did, berating me, telling me that I was useless and a waste of space, undermining my confidence and faith in myself, often leaving me in tears and running up to my room to get away from him.

He was very much a ‘man’s man’, when he was in a good mood and sober he did the heavy work around the house and garden, leaving all the lighter domestic duties to Mam, Jemma and me. In many ways he considered that as I physically took after my mother that I should fit better working with the girls rather than doing ‘man’s work’. Working alongside Mam and Jemma I soon learned the basics of cooking and baking, and when they were off in town shopping and he felt hungry it was my job to keep him fed and supplied with drink.

One night after he came back from the pub, drunk and full of himself as usual, lying in bed I heard a lot of shouting and screaming from Mam and Jemma, and went downstairs to see what the bother was.

“”Get the hell out of here wimp, this is nothing to do with you, it’s bad enough that I have these two bitches having a go at me without you getting on at me too.”

“Ally, go back to bed, it’s not helpful you being here, this is between the three of us, you are best keeping out of it.” Mam told me with tears in her eyes, waving me to go away.

I woke the next morning to hear the door slamming and a car driving off, hurriedly got dressed for school and went downstairs to grab some toast and coffee for breakfast. I found a note on the kitchen table addressed to me, from my mam.

“Ally, I’m dreadfully sorry to do this to you, but Jemma and I have to get away from your father, he has gone too far this time in the way he treats Jemma and me. Unfortunately where I am going I cannot take you with me, but I will come back for you as soon as I can. Until then take care of yourself and try not to upset your father too much. Remember that I will always love you. Mam xx.”

I didn’t really understand what was happening but just thought that his violent streak had got too much for Mam and sat for a while trying to get to grips with the fact that I was now left alone with my father, before going off to school.

My day at school was a waste of time, my mind was forever wandering off to think about the situation at home. I arrived back home to find that Mam had obviously returned, having collected clothes and other personal belongings for her and Jemma while my father was at work, and then left again, which I assumed meant that the pair of them would not be coming back for some time.

About an hour later, My Father came home in a filthy mood, even worse than normal.

“What have you done for my dinner wimp?”

“I didn’t know what has been happening and what was planned, so nothing is on the go.”

“Look wimp, the bitches have left us, I am working my fingers to the bone on the building site all to to keep us in food, I expect a hot meal when I get back. Now that the women have left us, it’s your job to make sure that there is food on the table, get on with it before I really lose my temper with you.” He shouted at me as he slapped me across my cheek, sending me stumbling back to thump against the worktop.

“There is not much in the fridge,, or cupboards, so it is just something simple, sausages, baked beans and mashed potato, it’s the best I could do.” I fearfully apologised to him as I warily served up his meal tp him.

“It’s hardly a hearty meal after I have been grafting all day, I expect something better in the future, and give me one of your sausages I need it more than you.”

“ But……”

“Just shut up, I had enough earache last night from the bitches. When I have finished this I am off down to the rugby club for a few pints with the lads. When I get back I expect to see this place clean and tidy, with a clean set of work clothes laid out on my bed for me and you out of the way in your room. I want you up early every morning to get my breakfast before I leave for work. Just do as you are told and there will be no problems.”

After sorting things out, I went up to my room, did my school homework and climbed into bed, hoping there would not be any trouble when he got back .

When I went downstairs the next morning to start on his breakfast he was laid out on the sofa, he had obviously been so drunk that he hadn’t even made it up the stairs to his bed.

“What time do you call this, I should be on my way to work by now, I’ll not bother with breakfast today, I’ll grab a takeaway, but don’t let it happen again. There’s money on the sideboard, what little is left after the bitch cleared our bank account, make sure that you get some decent food in for tonight and stock up the cupboards, that is your responsibility from now on.”

So it went on for the next few weeks, all the domestic duties became my responsibility, shopping, tidying, washing and ironing clothes, and if anything was not to his satisfaction I got a lot of tongue lashing and on occasions a slapping or beating. I now understood why Mam had been forced to leave.

“Right Ellie, by the way that’s your name from now on as you may as well be a girl for all the good you are doing around here, things are going to change around here. Since the bitches left I miss the presence of a woman about the house, the rustle of their clothes, the smell of their perfume and scented soaps, and I have decided that you now have to provide that atmosphere for me. You can keep your boys’ clothes for school, but as you are doing all the woman’s work around the house I want to see you looking like one. See what Jemma has left in her room, find something that fits and suits you, put on a bit of makeup and come back in here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Dad, I don’t mind doing Mum’s work but asking me to dress as a girl and wear makeup is going too far.”

He came over, grabbed me by the hair, slapped me a few times, and threw me to the floor.

“So you think that I am ridiculous do you? You’ll do as you’re bloody told unless you want more of that, If I ever see you again not wearing a skirt or dress you will learn what a beating really is, now go and sort yourself out.”

As it happened Jemma had left a lot of stuff behind that she had grown out of or didn’t like the style anymore. I didn’t really want to do as he had ordered me, but felt that the only way to keep him calm was to do what he had said.

I picked out a plain denim mid-thigh skirt, cotton top and flat sandals, quickly changed into them, put on some lipstick, brushed my hair into something resembling a feminine style, and went back downstairs feeling embarrassed and humiliated.

“That’s better Ellie, the style suits your nature and what you are now doing, much better than your old boys’ clothes, come here and let me have a close look at you.”

He had me turn around and while my back was to him he felt my shoulders and then flicked up the hem of the skirt.

“Those boxer shorts are not appropriate you need to start wearing panties, and a girl your age should be wearing a bra. As you are going to do this, you need to do it properly, no half measures. While you are upstairs changing, do something better with your hair, it is long enough for a much more girly style, put on more makeup, even though Jemma always dressed sloppily in jeans and loose tops she aways had her eyes and lashes made up too. Now run off like a good little girl and sort yourself out properly.”

Back upstairs I found Jemma’s undies drawer where she had left some panties and bras and soon picked out some relatively plain ones that fitted and put them on. While rummaging amongst the bras I found some ‘chicken fillet’ breast enhancers that she had used a few years before when she hadn’t fully developed and placed them in the bra cups, I thought that I had better do that before he had something else to complain about. Five minutes later after putting on eyeliner and mascara, and a bit of shadow, and tying my hair up with a scrunchie into a high pony tail, I went back down.

“Much better, you look a lot like your sister, You were never much of a boy in my eyes, being Ellie is much more appropriate for you, especially considering your role in this house now you’re doing all the woman’s work. Until the end of the school term when you will be old enough to leave, other than when you are at school that is how you will dress. After that you can throw all your boys’ clothes away and get yourself some new things to top up what Jemma has left for you.”

“But Dad, I feel ridiculous, and am not comfortable wearing these clothes, I will be quite happy to do all what you call woman’s work, but making me dress as a girl is taking it too far.”

”You’ll do as you’re told unless you want a good beating. If I hear any more whinging from you, I will burn all your boy’s clothes and you will have to go to school to sit your exams wearing a skirt and makeup, and tell everybody that you now want to be a girl, do you want to do that?”

Rather than keep going back and to for clothes and to do my make up, I moved into Jemma’s room taking only my school clothes to hang in the wardrobe along with what were now my skirts and dresses and learned to adjust my new life as Ellie. My father treated me and talked to me as if I had always been a girl and never made any remarks about my previous life as Ally.

Over the next few weeks as I sat my final exams before leaving school, life went on, although I was beginning get some strange looks from my classmates as I was now using Jemma’s scented soaps and shampoos, which also helped to make my hair much fuller. I was often getting compliments from some of the girls as to how I was grooming myself and found myself invited into their company much more than with the boys, who were gossiping that they thought I was gay and kept their distance from me.

Although I rarely used nail polish at home whenever I did I made sure that all of it and all the rest of my makeup was fully cleaned off, but despite that I couldn’t hide the fact that being with the girls so much I was beginning to adopt many of their gestures attitudes and ways of talking, which just hardened the opinions of the boys towards me. In fact the girls even started to treat me as if I was just another one of them and drew me into their conversations about clothes, makeup, boys and even their feminine problems.

Other than at school,I was now living full-time as a girl, not just around the house, but also when I went out grocery shopping or into town for clothes. I was much more comfortable looking through the racks of girls’ clothes or at the makeup counter dressed as Ellie rather than looking a bit weird dressed as Ally. I was almost caught out one time looking at dresses when two of my classmates who I had become friendly with came over to look at the same rack, asking my opinion on what I thought of the ones they had selected, we starting chatting and they invited me to have a coffee with them.

I was reluctant, worried about being discovered but they were quite persuasive and I joined them.

“I’m Jan and this is Bev, we’ve not seen you around before.”

“I’m Ellie. I’m only visiting my Grannie and getting some shopping in for her.”

As Ally I had often sat at the lunch table with Jan and Bev, so was quite comfortable chatting to them over the coffee, but I was glad to get away from them without being unmasked, and thought to myself that I would have to be a bit more careful in future and not get too chatty with anyone else. It would’ve been good to meet up with them again, some friends to share things with, although obviously not my biggest secret, but it was safest to just keep myself to myself.

One night after Dad had been fairly pleasant to me for a few days, I made him his favourite meal, a 12oz sirloin steak with all the trimming, along with a treacle sponge pudding and custard, what he called ‘proper man’s food’, before tidying up and going to bed, leaving him with a couple of bottles of beer.

I put my clothes on the chair by the dressing table to put them away and changed into the sleep-set of Jemma’s that I had been using since Dad had seen me coming from the bathroom wearing Ally’s pyjamas and removed most of my own stuff. I was just about to clean off my makeup when he burst into the room and sat on the bed next to me.

“Ellie, you have been doing a wonderful job doing all the woman’s work around the house, and doing a better job of it than that bitch of a wife of mine ever did. But there is one duty that you haven’t carried out yet, a man has needs and it is his woman’s job to satisfy those needs. When my wife wouldn’t play anymore I tried it on with Jemma, but your mother heard her shouting at me to leave her alone, rushed in and kept hitting me and forced me to get out of the room and out of her sight. The next morning the pair of them left.”

He grabbed me threw me on the bed and rolled me over onto my stomach and made me get up on my knees. “Just stay there like a good girl, while I drop my trousers, you are going to learn tonight what it is really like to be a woman.”

Scared witless I lashed out at him straightening my leg and caught him really hard between his legs with my foot. He dropped to the floor, clutching his groin and retching from the pain and the nausea. While he was writhing in agony, I picked up the clothes I had been wearing and ran out of the room, stamping him in his groin again before I left. Downstairs I quickly put on a coat over my nightwear, grabbed the shoulder bag I was using which contained my money, keys and some makeup, stuffed my clothes in a shopping bag, slipped into some shoes, slammed the door and ran away as fast as I could. Luckily he didn’t follow me as I made my way to the local 24hr supermarket, went into the washroom and changed back into my clothes, and went into the café to think about what to do next.

Although I had become friendly with some of the girls at school, there was nobody that knew about my double life that I could trust to see me looking like this, and I had nowhere to go.

The counter assistant was quite friendly and chatty as the café was not busy at that time of night and came over and sat next to me when there were no customers queuing up. When I told her that I had to escape from domestic abuse, and get to a safe place, although not the details of who I really was, she agreed to let me sit there as long as I wanted. I stayed there overnight, even when she went off-shift and passed me over to her replacement, occasionally dozing for a while.

From the sympathy I had got in the café, I decided that it might be easier to get people to help me and less likely for any of Dad’s friends to recognise me and tell him where I was, if I stayed dressed as a girl.

In the morning I went back to the house. Seeing that Dad’s car was not there as he must have left for work, I warily went in and checked that the house was empty. I packed a case with a selection of Jemma’s clothes, toiletries and bits and pieces, and also filled a backpack with Ally’s stuff to give me options if the situation arose. In a fit of spite I went to Dad’s room and slashed all his best clothes that he wore when trying to look respectable at the rugby club. only leaving intact a couple of pairs of jeans and tee shirts, his work clothes. All his bottles and cans of beer were emptied into the sink, the empties left strewn over the floor, and the previously prepared meals in the freezer and fridge were thrown into the bin.

There were too many of dad’s drinking friends around our town who if they saw me would be on to him right away, so I decided to get out of the area and made my way to the bus station. I had no idea where I could go and just took the next bus to leave, heading for a town about 40 miles away. The bus soon filled up as it picked up more people at stops on the way and soon a young girl a little older than me, sat down next to me on one of the few spare seats.

“Hi, I’m Carly, Carly Welbeck, are you going all the way.”

“Yes, I think so, to be honest I don’t really know where I am going, I just had to get away and this was the first bus to leave. I’m Ellie Taylor by the way.”

“Are you running away from something?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it, but I need some space away from my father.”

Tears started to form from my eyes and drip down my cheek at the thought of what my father had tried to do to me.

“Here’s a tissue Ellie, dry your eyes. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but has he been abusing you?”

The tears started again as I nodded my head and Carly took hold of my hand to comfort me.

“Mainly mental abuse rather than physical, but I couldn’t stand it any longer.”

“Have you got somewhere to go, relatives or friends that you could stay with?”

“I’ve no idea what to do, my Mam and my sister Jemma left a few weeks ago to get away from his abuse and I haven’t a clue as to where they are now. If they’ve any sense they will have gone to her sister’s place down in Cornwall, but I don’t want to go all the way there on a wild goose chase.”

“If you want a bit of time to sort things out, you would be welcome to stay at my Mum’s. I’m only going home for a weekend break and will be going back to college in a few days.”

“I don’t want to be a nuisance, are you sure that she won’t mind a stranger in her house?”

“She’s used to it, she runs a B&B, so has people in and out all the time, and there are usually some unoccupied rooms.”

We got off a few stops later, collected my case and bag and we were soon at her house a short walk away. It was a big rambling Georgian property with Virginia Creeper almost covering the walls and a large wrap-around garden. A sign by the roadside gate had scrolls of ivy painted around its border encircling the description ‘Ivy Lodge B&B’.

“This looks expensive I’m not sure that I can afford it.”

“Don’t be silly, you are my guest, and if you feel guilty about it, I’m sure that Mum can find you something to do, either here at her Café on the main road.”

“Hi Mum, I’ve brought a friend with me to stay for a while, if that’s ok.” She called out as we entered the large double-height hallway with a sweeping staircase to the upper floors. An attractive woman in her forties came out and gave Carly a big hug.

“Good to see you back Carly, you should come home more often. Who’s your friend?”

“This is Ellie, I met her on the bus, she is having a difficult time and I told her she could stay with us, well really with you, for a while until she sorts herself out. I’ll tell you all about her later, but I’m sure that she could do with being alone for a while.”

“Hello Ellie, I’m Fiona Welbeck, welcome to Ivy Lodge, I’ll show you to your room and we can talk later.” She led me to a large light and airy bedroom with ensuite shower and toilet, with a large vase of flowers on the windowsill, all clean and prepared for the next paying guest.

“Make yourself comfortable, and come down when you are ready, I’ll leave you to settle in.” It was all very professional she was obviously used to greeting paying guests and had her welcome speech already scripted.

I sat there for a while getting my thoughts together and decided that I needed to repay their kindness by at least being polite and going to have a chat. As I was still wearing the clothes that I had worn the day before and had spent the night in the supermarket café they were now looking and smelling a bit well-worn. I had a quick shower, put-on a fresh skirt and top, fixed my makeup, brushed out my hair and feeling a lot more presentable I was ready to go down and face them, hoping that I would be totally believable as a girl.

To be continued.